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American Morning

'Here's What I Don't Get'

Aired December 21, 2001 - 08:35   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DAVID LETTERMAN, LATE SHOW HOST: But insiders say bin Laden is depressed. Insiders tell us bin Laden is depressed. Here's what I don't understand. If we're talking to insiders, why don't we just get them to tell us where this (EXPLETIVE DELETED) is.

(LAUGHTER)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PAULA ZAHN, CNN ANCHOR: Good point. Here's what I don't understand.

Good morning, Jack. How are you?

JACK CAFFERTY, CNN CORRESPONDENT: Good morning.

Do your kids play video games?

ZAHN: Not many. We're not a video game family.

CAFFERTY: A lot of kids do. If they're burned out on video games and you're trying to figure out what to get for Christmas, here's a different game you might consider. Where you need are 40 horses and a dead goat with head cut off. Then you get the -- the friends can come over the house and you play a game called Buzacasi (ph). That guy in the fatigues, that's an American GI. This is a game of polio, but instead of mallets and balls, they use the carcass of a headless goat. Buzacasi means goat grabber in Afghani.

The only rules are you better stay on the horse, because if you don't, you risk being trampled to death. It's very violent. There are no rules. It's look like are American soldiers are acquitting themselves quite nicely.

ZAHN: You're serious.

CAFFERTY: No, they really play this.

ZAHN: I know they played that, but are you making this up about the guy in the red being an American GI.

CAFFERTY: No, that guy in the tan fatigues, that was an American soldier.

ZAHN: I was looking at the guy in the red. I found that captivating.

So let me ask you this, I still don't get the game, how do you play polo with a dead goat?

CAFFERTY: One, you're only allowed to grab it by the wool, and you snatch it 2 from the other guy's horse, and eventually, I guess the object is you throw it across some goal line, and I don't know, at the end of the day, what do they do, they probably cook and eat it. These are tough guys. You were looking at the girl in the red.

ZAHN: He is in there.

CAFFERTY: Yes, that's a GI right there, and he's getting his butt kicked it looks like.

ZAHN: So violent.

CAFFERTY: There he goes. And they grab this thing back and forth, and there are no rules. It's just, you know, pitch until you win.

ZAHN: What do you do if you win. Someone told me you can actually have knives on you when you're playing this game.

CAFFERTY: Whips, knives. I mean, it's awful.

ZAHN: And if you win, I guess you can select the burka of your choice at your local Afghan K-Mart. David Letterman would just have a wet burka contest.

CAFFERTY: Do you take your husband shopping with you?

ZAHN: No, absolutely not. Under no circumstances will I do that.

CAFFERTY: Why?

ZAHN: Because he has no patience.

CAFFERTY: And I don't go either, because my wife just gets mad at me because I stand around the store, and I don't know what to do with myself.

ZAHN: Women are from Venus; Men are from Mars.

CAFFERTY: There you go, so if you're stuck with your significant other at the local Wal-Mart doing that last-minute Christmas shopping while the significant other gathers the gifts, here are thing you can do to pass time at the local Wal-Mart. You get 24 boxes of condom and randomly put them in other people's shopping cart when they're not looking, and then you can go up the checkout stand and kind of watch when they go through.

ZAHN: Sounds like something you might have done when you were 16 years old, Jack, probably.

CAFFERTY: Set all the alarm clock in the house for a to go off at five-minute intervals. Not all of these are gems. Walk up to an employee and tell them in an official tone, "There's a code three in housewares" and just see what happens. You can go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. You can set up a camp in the camping depart and invite other shoppers to come into the tent, but only if they bring their own pillows from the bedding department.

ZAHN: This is going to create mass chaos. Where did you get these ideas?

CAFFERTY: I only have two more, and then I'll be right out of here. If a clerk walks up and asks if they can help you, you begin to cry, and they ask, why can't you people just leave me alone? And finally, while handling guns in the hunting depart, you ask the clerks, where are the antidepressants? Things you might.

ZAHN: You didn't come with that on your own.

CAFFERTY: Some yo-yo sent them to me.

ZAHN: That was an e-mail?

CAFFERTY: Yes.

ZAHN: This is what you inspire on your e-mail.

CAFFERTY: These are the kinds of viewers I bring to this program from that bird offering I do downstairs.

ZAHN: We will take them all, Jack, anyway I get them.

CAFFERTY: We only have 24, but we're going to try to bring some of them up here.

ZAHN: Well, let's just see what other shopping tips you get.

Do you think this guy has been in prison before?

CAFFERTY: No. Silly.

Buzacasi.

ZAHN: That game is amazing.

CAFFERTY: Amazing?

ZAHN: Glad we don't have to play it here in this country.

CAFFERTY: No.

ZAHN: Not what you would describe as a civil game.

CAFFERTY: Where do you go for Christmas?

ZAHN: I'm not telling.

CAFFERTY: You're not.

ZAHN: I'm trying to sneak out.

CAFFERTY: And then when you mention where you're going, there is always something that ends up changing your plans. So I'm not going anywhere.

You're not going anywhere either, right?

CAFFERTY: No.

ZAHN: Well, Merry Christmas.

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