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CNN Sunday Morning

Interview With Anthony Wolf

Aired September 01, 2002 - 11:54   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

FREDRICKA WHITFIELD, CNN ANCHOR: Adolescence is a difficult time for families. A teenager's behavior can change drastically, leaving parents to wonder what happened to their sweet little children. I am so out of breath. A new book examines the role of parents during that tough time. It's called "Get Out of My Life, But First Can You Drive Me and Cheryl (ph) To The Mall?" Dr. Anthony Wolf wrote the book, and he is a clinical psychologist at the City University of New York and he joins us now from Hartford, Connecticut.
Good to see you, Dr. Wolf.

DR. ANTHONY WOLF, AUTHOR, "GET OUT OF MY LIFE...": Good to be here.

WHITFIELD: All right, well, the difficult thing about teens is they're a lot more confrontational, yet at the same time, there's a whole lot of guessing the parent has to do.

WOLF: Well, that's right and kids today do talk back more because we decided not to use harsh punishment any more. And well, duh, now they're not afraid of parents. But it really isn't as bad as it seems because you get all this stuff at home, but there's this whole other side to them. You know people will say, "Gosh, what's your secret? Your daughter's so well behaved?" And they, you know -- which daughter are we talking about? And a lot of what goes on at home is very unpleasant, but not that serious.

WHITFIELD: So then how is a parent to understand that the kid that they're dealing with at home is a different kid once they go to their school or hang out with their friends, et cetera? And so often parents feel like, you know what, my son's kind of locked himself in the room. I don't want to go in there. This is his quiet, private time. When there is that kind of occasion, how is a parent supposed to know, you know, is this a safe time to talk?

WOLF: Well, there's a thing that happens with all teenagers, most of them, which is they develop an allergy to their parents. And it really -- it's a developmental thing. Boys, they become real quiet. They go into their room. They close the door. They turn on the stereo. They come out for supper and high school graduation. Girls are more in your face. They'll sort of declare their independence that way. But the good news is that they get to be fine later on, that it is a stage, and they become nice and they become respectful. And it sort of says, so what's all this stuff that's going on in between? And I think one of the secrets is not to take things too personal. WHITFIELD: Yeah, well, that's so hard, though, because so many parents feel like if they're not getting along with their teenager after all these years, they kind of feel like, I've done something wrong. There is no line of communication here that seems to be working.

WOLF: Well, I think what you have to do; you have to be willing to hang in there. And the one thing you don't want to do is try too hard to change them because you've already maybe done a good job, you know, like, Kevin, would you please shovel the driveway? Why? Why do I always have to do it? My arm hurts. I have a lot of work. I'm tired. Listen, young man, if you don't learn the right kind of attitude -- where really a secret -- and I say this really seriously and I talk about it in the book -- is that what you want to do is say what you have to say, do what you have to do, and then end because they won't. And the great trap for parents is that you get caught up in trying to explain to them how what they're saying is just terrible, and you've done fine. And they're out there in the world being -- most of them, being good citizens. They go out. They become good kids. And you really have to learn -- which is a skill, to back off.

WHITFIELD: Yeah, and that learning how to respect space and when is very tricky because how often have we heard, particularly in recent years when we're talking about a troubled teen, something terrible happens and then, the parents say, "Well, you know what, I never knew what was going on in the room when, you know, junior shuts his or her door."

WOLF: That's a good point. I'm a believer in giving teenagers hugs. They hate it, but at the same time, they say, my parent still loves me, my parent's still there for me. I'm going to go in their room some time and I'm just going to be there. And I'm going to be in a good mood even though they can't wait for me to get out of there, which is to say that they may be allergic to me but I'm not going to be allergic to them.

WHITFIELD: Well, I think all of us remember too, you know, the mind-set of the parents say, you know, well, this is my house, you know, and so I set the rules. How dare it be the case where now a teenager gets to set the house rules?

WOLF: Well, I am going to set the rules. They may not always obey them. And I think being the parent of a teenager is a humbling process, but in the long run, you do win with a vast majority of them.

WHITFIELD: All right, Dr. Wolf, thank you very much for joining us. We appreciate it.

WOLF: Thank you.

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