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American Morning

America Votes 2002: Political Humor

Aired November 05, 2002 - 09:33   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


BILL HEMMER, CNN ANCHOR: Here in Florida, a state that turned the voting process into a laughing matter only 24 months ago, you have to have a pretty good sense of humor. One guy who does is Dave Barry, the hilarious syndicated columnist. We'll give you that "hilarious" adjective for you.
DAVE BARRY, AUTHOR, "TRICK BUSINESS": Thank you. Thank you.

HEMMER: Mr. Barry already running for president in 2004, by the way. More on "issues schmissues" in a moment. He's the author of the more than 20 books. He just finished a new one called "Tricky business," which has nothing to do with elections, by the way, but it would be an apt title, I think, huh?

BARRY: Yes, it's perfect for Florida.

HEMMER: What are you hearing about Floridians today? They have a complex over what happened two years ago?

BARRY: We realized we lived up to our official state motto, which is "Florida, you can't spell it without duh," in the 2002 election. So what we're doing, and we're really embarrassed that we almost two years later almost screwed you the election that we just had, and I think we can do it again.

HEMMER: You're confident.

BARRY: I think despite all of the efforts to get us straightened out that we will find a way. We have the most complicated ballot in the world down here. It's like war and peace. My wife and I are both college graduates and trying to understand it yesterday, but there's something in there about pigs. There's a chance we can elect a pig governor of Florida.

HEMMER: You think so?

BARRY: We could.

HEMMER: Only in Florida, by the way.

BARRY: You know there's a death penalty issue...

HEMMER: As opposed to Bill McBride. I'm not here to suggest that he or Governor Bush are pigs. I mean, there are those that feel that way. I'm talking about an actual, physical pig.

BARRY: Two thoughts on this, about this long ballot in Broward County, 549 pages of text on the death penalty issue.

HEMMER: Jeffrey Toobin reports that they read some of the ballots to the legally blind to help them cast their vote. It takes 40 minutes.

BARRY: I think we should allow only the legally blind to vote in this election. They're the only people who probably heard the whole ballot read to them. And then we should let Toobin vote. He's been down here enough.

HEMMER: What do you make the governor's race? Jeb Bush running for re-election. If he wins, it would be the first time a Republican has even won re-election in your state. Bill McBride, a relative newcomer to most people here. Your take is what?

BARRY: I don't really care. No, I think it's incredibly important to all Floridians which of these two guys win. I'm just not sure why.

HEMMER: Still working on that.

BARRY: I don't plan to vote in this state myself. I'm going to vote in Ohio, someplace where they actually count your vote.

HEMMER: Safe and secure. I heard one of the election supervisors give kind of a pep talk to his workers yesterday, and he was caught on camera saying, I am sick and tired of late night comedians making fun of my home state, let's end this. Will they?

BARRY: My idea for how we could have ended it -- there are two ideas. One is, we should just keep using the 2000 ballots, because we've counted them five, six times now. So we actually know that. So we just roll them out every year and say, how we voted in 2000. The other would be instead of going with these computers, to just use photographs of the candidate faces right on the ballots, and you would vote by poking at your candidate's eyeball. What do you think of that?

HEMMER: I think that is quite clever, actually.

BARRY: The danger here in Florida, We would poke out our own eyeball, I think.

HEMMER: What do you make that Giuliani has been here, Al Gore has been here, Bill Clinton has been here, the president's been here 13 times since taking office?

BARRY: We love it.

HEMMER: You guys get a lot attention, don't you, pal?

BARRY: I know. I think that's why we do it. I mean, there's some poor state like New Jersey saying, why don't they come here? Because you people vote, you know how to vote -- we don't.

If you behave like a third world nation, everybody comes to visit and tries to help you and pay attention to you.

HEMMER: The big fear though, Dave, is if you guys do it right this right, you guys are going to lose a lot of folks and attention across the country.

BARRY: I know, and I seriously believe we won't let that happen. We will find a way to mess this up. This is South Florida, dammit, we've got a reputation to uphold. We've got the people here to do the job, we're going to screw it up, trust me.

HEMMER: Excellent. Excellent. Come back tomorrow and tell us about it.

BARRY: You bet.

HEMMER: Dave Barry, author of the new book "Tricky Business."

What have you written twenty books, Or more than that?

BARRY: More than that, but I haven't read them myself.

HEMMER: Are they all funny?

BARRY: They're hilarious. And they're great gifts, too. They're easy to wrap.

HEMMER: Great plug. Thank you, Dave. Good to see you again, pal.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com







Aired November 5, 2002 - 09:33   ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
BILL HEMMER, CNN ANCHOR: Here in Florida, a state that turned the voting process into a laughing matter only 24 months ago, you have to have a pretty good sense of humor. One guy who does is Dave Barry, the hilarious syndicated columnist. We'll give you that "hilarious" adjective for you.
DAVE BARRY, AUTHOR, "TRICK BUSINESS": Thank you. Thank you.

HEMMER: Mr. Barry already running for president in 2004, by the way. More on "issues schmissues" in a moment. He's the author of the more than 20 books. He just finished a new one called "Tricky business," which has nothing to do with elections, by the way, but it would be an apt title, I think, huh?

BARRY: Yes, it's perfect for Florida.

HEMMER: What are you hearing about Floridians today? They have a complex over what happened two years ago?

BARRY: We realized we lived up to our official state motto, which is "Florida, you can't spell it without duh," in the 2002 election. So what we're doing, and we're really embarrassed that we almost two years later almost screwed you the election that we just had, and I think we can do it again.

HEMMER: You're confident.

BARRY: I think despite all of the efforts to get us straightened out that we will find a way. We have the most complicated ballot in the world down here. It's like war and peace. My wife and I are both college graduates and trying to understand it yesterday, but there's something in there about pigs. There's a chance we can elect a pig governor of Florida.

HEMMER: You think so?

BARRY: We could.

HEMMER: Only in Florida, by the way.

BARRY: You know there's a death penalty issue...

HEMMER: As opposed to Bill McBride. I'm not here to suggest that he or Governor Bush are pigs. I mean, there are those that feel that way. I'm talking about an actual, physical pig.

BARRY: Two thoughts on this, about this long ballot in Broward County, 549 pages of text on the death penalty issue.

HEMMER: Jeffrey Toobin reports that they read some of the ballots to the legally blind to help them cast their vote. It takes 40 minutes.

BARRY: I think we should allow only the legally blind to vote in this election. They're the only people who probably heard the whole ballot read to them. And then we should let Toobin vote. He's been down here enough.

HEMMER: What do you make the governor's race? Jeb Bush running for re-election. If he wins, it would be the first time a Republican has even won re-election in your state. Bill McBride, a relative newcomer to most people here. Your take is what?

BARRY: I don't really care. No, I think it's incredibly important to all Floridians which of these two guys win. I'm just not sure why.

HEMMER: Still working on that.

BARRY: I don't plan to vote in this state myself. I'm going to vote in Ohio, someplace where they actually count your vote.

HEMMER: Safe and secure. I heard one of the election supervisors give kind of a pep talk to his workers yesterday, and he was caught on camera saying, I am sick and tired of late night comedians making fun of my home state, let's end this. Will they?

BARRY: My idea for how we could have ended it -- there are two ideas. One is, we should just keep using the 2000 ballots, because we've counted them five, six times now. So we actually know that. So we just roll them out every year and say, how we voted in 2000. The other would be instead of going with these computers, to just use photographs of the candidate faces right on the ballots, and you would vote by poking at your candidate's eyeball. What do you think of that?

HEMMER: I think that is quite clever, actually.

BARRY: The danger here in Florida, We would poke out our own eyeball, I think.

HEMMER: What do you make that Giuliani has been here, Al Gore has been here, Bill Clinton has been here, the president's been here 13 times since taking office?

BARRY: We love it.

HEMMER: You guys get a lot attention, don't you, pal?

BARRY: I know. I think that's why we do it. I mean, there's some poor state like New Jersey saying, why don't they come here? Because you people vote, you know how to vote -- we don't.

If you behave like a third world nation, everybody comes to visit and tries to help you and pay attention to you.

HEMMER: The big fear though, Dave, is if you guys do it right this right, you guys are going to lose a lot of folks and attention across the country.

BARRY: I know, and I seriously believe we won't let that happen. We will find a way to mess this up. This is South Florida, dammit, we've got a reputation to uphold. We've got the people here to do the job, we're going to screw it up, trust me.

HEMMER: Excellent. Excellent. Come back tomorrow and tell us about it.

BARRY: You bet.

HEMMER: Dave Barry, author of the new book "Tricky Business."

What have you written twenty books, Or more than that?

BARRY: More than that, but I haven't read them myself.

HEMMER: Are they all funny?

BARRY: They're hilarious. And they're great gifts, too. They're easy to wrap.

HEMMER: Great plug. Thank you, Dave. Good to see you again, pal.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com