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American Morning

Talk with Martha Beck

Aired November 26, 2002 - 09:45   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


BILL HEMMER, CNN ANCHOR: All right. Sometimes all the family togetherness on a holiday like Thanksgiving can get you a bit unglued, huh? If that sounds familiar, you might want to check out an article in this month's "O" magazine, titled "Putting the Fun Back in Dysfunctional," offering tips on learning how to laugh at family nuttiness instead of going nuts yourself.
The author of that article, Martha Beck is here live in New York City.

Great to see you, Martha. Good morning to you.

MARTHA BECK, "O" MAGAZINE: Thank you. Same to you.

HEMMER: Listen, we're going to go at this bad boy right now. What is dysfunctional family bingo, and who thought of this one?

BECK: I thought of this one, actually. Here's the deal, just in order to tolerate your dysfunctional family say at Thanksgiving. My idea is you take a bingo card like this one, but blank. I made mine on my computer. You can make it a pencil, no problem. But then in each square, instead, you put something that is likely to happen, or to be said at your...

HEMMER: Such as?

BECK: Joe picks a fight is one that -- not that I have any Joe -- yes, well, Sue needs to lose weight.

HEMMER: I don't know who Sue is; that might be a possibility.

BECK: Somebody named Sue in your family is out there.

HEMMER: Definitely not.

BECK: You put something like Bob shows up drunk, or you can put things that people like to say like, dear, have you tried Weight Watchers? Those all go in your squares, right, and then every time you hear something that happens on your square, you mark that one off, and when you have bingo, you sneak off and call your friends, because they're in on this game. Whoever gets bingo first calls the others.

HEMMER: Why do you call your friends, though?

BECK: Because then after the holidays, you get a free lunch. So they have to buy you lunch -- that's the reward.

HEMMER: Does this take the edge off it, or what?

BECK: For me it does.

HEMMER: Really?

BECK: Are you kidding?

HEMMER: Tell me about your family? Do you like to get together with your family?

BECK: I do.

HEMMER: Is your family large?

BECK: I'm seventh of eight children.

HEMMER: That is extremely large.

Where's the rub, then?

BECK: That is a whole other episode. Do you have like six hours?

HEMMER: No.

BECK: No -- there's a lot of dysfunction in every family, and holidays seem to exacerbate it. We expect so much. There's so much interaction. There are so many memories, and it can really get kind of explosive.

HEMMER: My family gets along very well. We actually enjoy being with each other, catching up on each others lives, seeing how the nieces and nephews are coming along. Are we abnormal?

BECK: I wouldn't say abnormal, no; I think you're perfectly functional. Only everyone else's family is dysfunctional.

HEMMER: I got you, OK. Now I'll take that one, especially if my mom and dad are watching.

Holiday survival tips. Let's tick them off right now. Enjoy the insanity.

BECK: Right, you enjoy your family because they're sane. My family does not suffer from insanity. We enjoy it. It's a gag. So by playing these types of games, by looking at your family as material for, say, a comedy routine or a newspaper article, I mean, a magazine article, you can have a lot of fun no matter how crazy your family is.

HEMMER: You also say have realistic expectations. Expectations of what or pertaining to what?

BECK: Well, you know, A lot of times people sit down and say things like, this year, couldn't we just all get along? Oh, yes, like that's going to happen. If your family hasn't gotten along in the past, you need to accept that. Maybe there will be conflict this year, too, and that's OK.

HEMMER: A lot of that stuff comes with age. A lot of maturity when the relationships come together. Give up control. Good luck.

BECK: Well, this is one you really can work. There's the kind of control when someone tries to force someone else to do something, but there are other kinds of control. My favorite kind is people pleasing. If I'm really nice, if I act just this way, then everyone else will have to do that. Not a good idea. What you do is you set them free to be themselves and just enjoy them as they are.

HEMMER: Kind of takes us to two more tips here, set boundaries and debrief with friends. Share it.

BECK: Right, before the party, not during.

Be ready to leave, have your own car. If you can only tolerate two hours with your family, then get out after two hours, and finally, go connect with friends afterwards, be brief, talk about it, that's a great way to simmer down. You're not upset.

HEMMER: Your best tip that you will employ is what this holiday season?

BECK: Definitely, bring all of the people you love most in one place. However dysfunctional they all are, just love them to pieces.

HEMMER: Martha Beck, "O" magazine. Thanks. Have a great holiday, OK.

BECK: Thank you, you, too.

HEMMER: Good to see you.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com






Aired November 26, 2002 - 09:45   ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
BILL HEMMER, CNN ANCHOR: All right. Sometimes all the family togetherness on a holiday like Thanksgiving can get you a bit unglued, huh? If that sounds familiar, you might want to check out an article in this month's "O" magazine, titled "Putting the Fun Back in Dysfunctional," offering tips on learning how to laugh at family nuttiness instead of going nuts yourself.
The author of that article, Martha Beck is here live in New York City.

Great to see you, Martha. Good morning to you.

MARTHA BECK, "O" MAGAZINE: Thank you. Same to you.

HEMMER: Listen, we're going to go at this bad boy right now. What is dysfunctional family bingo, and who thought of this one?

BECK: I thought of this one, actually. Here's the deal, just in order to tolerate your dysfunctional family say at Thanksgiving. My idea is you take a bingo card like this one, but blank. I made mine on my computer. You can make it a pencil, no problem. But then in each square, instead, you put something that is likely to happen, or to be said at your...

HEMMER: Such as?

BECK: Joe picks a fight is one that -- not that I have any Joe -- yes, well, Sue needs to lose weight.

HEMMER: I don't know who Sue is; that might be a possibility.

BECK: Somebody named Sue in your family is out there.

HEMMER: Definitely not.

BECK: You put something like Bob shows up drunk, or you can put things that people like to say like, dear, have you tried Weight Watchers? Those all go in your squares, right, and then every time you hear something that happens on your square, you mark that one off, and when you have bingo, you sneak off and call your friends, because they're in on this game. Whoever gets bingo first calls the others.

HEMMER: Why do you call your friends, though?

BECK: Because then after the holidays, you get a free lunch. So they have to buy you lunch -- that's the reward.

HEMMER: Does this take the edge off it, or what?

BECK: For me it does.

HEMMER: Really?

BECK: Are you kidding?

HEMMER: Tell me about your family? Do you like to get together with your family?

BECK: I do.

HEMMER: Is your family large?

BECK: I'm seventh of eight children.

HEMMER: That is extremely large.

Where's the rub, then?

BECK: That is a whole other episode. Do you have like six hours?

HEMMER: No.

BECK: No -- there's a lot of dysfunction in every family, and holidays seem to exacerbate it. We expect so much. There's so much interaction. There are so many memories, and it can really get kind of explosive.

HEMMER: My family gets along very well. We actually enjoy being with each other, catching up on each others lives, seeing how the nieces and nephews are coming along. Are we abnormal?

BECK: I wouldn't say abnormal, no; I think you're perfectly functional. Only everyone else's family is dysfunctional.

HEMMER: I got you, OK. Now I'll take that one, especially if my mom and dad are watching.

Holiday survival tips. Let's tick them off right now. Enjoy the insanity.

BECK: Right, you enjoy your family because they're sane. My family does not suffer from insanity. We enjoy it. It's a gag. So by playing these types of games, by looking at your family as material for, say, a comedy routine or a newspaper article, I mean, a magazine article, you can have a lot of fun no matter how crazy your family is.

HEMMER: You also say have realistic expectations. Expectations of what or pertaining to what?

BECK: Well, you know, A lot of times people sit down and say things like, this year, couldn't we just all get along? Oh, yes, like that's going to happen. If your family hasn't gotten along in the past, you need to accept that. Maybe there will be conflict this year, too, and that's OK.

HEMMER: A lot of that stuff comes with age. A lot of maturity when the relationships come together. Give up control. Good luck.

BECK: Well, this is one you really can work. There's the kind of control when someone tries to force someone else to do something, but there are other kinds of control. My favorite kind is people pleasing. If I'm really nice, if I act just this way, then everyone else will have to do that. Not a good idea. What you do is you set them free to be themselves and just enjoy them as they are.

HEMMER: Kind of takes us to two more tips here, set boundaries and debrief with friends. Share it.

BECK: Right, before the party, not during.

Be ready to leave, have your own car. If you can only tolerate two hours with your family, then get out after two hours, and finally, go connect with friends afterwards, be brief, talk about it, that's a great way to simmer down. You're not upset.

HEMMER: Your best tip that you will employ is what this holiday season?

BECK: Definitely, bring all of the people you love most in one place. However dysfunctional they all are, just love them to pieces.

HEMMER: Martha Beck, "O" magazine. Thanks. Have a great holiday, OK.

BECK: Thank you, you, too.

HEMMER: Good to see you.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com