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American Morning

Not Tonight, Honey

Aired June 24, 2003 - 09:14   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


DARYN KAGAN, CNN ANCHOR: There is a new acronym for a growing segment of the population, "DINS," or dual income/no sex couples. They're married with children, too exhausted to be in the mood. "Newsweek" latest cover in fact covers the nations dwindling sex drive; 15 to 20 percent of marriages are defined as sexless, where sex is rare, if nonexistent.
Tara Paterson and her husband Chris Paterson say the can fall into that category. Also with us, therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of "The Sex Starved Marriage."

Good morning to all of you. Thanks for being with us.

First to the Patersons, not every one is going to go on national television talking about their sex lives. So kind of kudos to you on that.

You guys have had been married for a while. How long?

TARA PATERSON, HAS NO TIME FOR SEX: Seven years.

KAGAN: Seven years, and you have two little kids at home, 6 and 2, is that right?

T. PATERSON: That's right.

KAGAN: Now talk about what your sex life was like before kids and then after kids.

T. PATERSON: OK, before we had children, it was every day. It was exciting. It was, you know...

CHRIS PATERSON, HAS NO TIME FOR SEX: Spontaneous.

T. PATERSON: Exactly. And after our first son, just exhausted and you get tired and it becomes something that gets pushed to the side and, you know, we'll get to that later.

KAGAN: One more thing to do, or rather "not to do" list. And you both are working, both have businesses. I know a lot of people at home are going, I know these people, because they feel like they are you, with businesses, and jobs and kids.

Michele, this is not uncommon.

MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS, AUTHOR, "THE SEX STARVED MARRIAGE": Definitely not. There are going to be a lot of people saying, yes, that's me. But the untold story is not whether having sex or not having sex. Generally what happens in millions of marriages is that there is one spouse who is hot and another spouse who is not. And there is complete misunderstanding of why that happens. Generally the person who has a lower sex drive thinks it's no big deal, it's just sex, it's like scratching an itch. But for the one yearning for touch and physical contact, it really is about feeling wanted and feeling loved. And when that misunderstanding happens, generally what happens in marriages, intimacy on all levels drop out. They stop laughing at each other's jokes, they stop spending time together, and it puts the marriage at risk of infidelity and divorce.

KAGAN: Yes, I was going to jump in here a second. We're having a little bit of trouble with your mike. So I'm going to bring Tara and Chris back in here for a second, because I know people are really hungry to hear what you have to say. But let me bring you guys back in. At what point, did you think you not necessarily had a problem, but that it could be a lot better than this?

C. PATERSON: I think it came after Tara read Michelle's book.

T. PATERSON: No.

KAGAN: Oh, no, you'll tell him when the problem started.

T. PATERSON: I mean the problem I think -- I recognized it and I took action. I mean, I talked to my doctor about it, or I tried to figure out what to do about it. It wasn't something I just wanted to, oh well, and I'm not interested and forget you, because I love him very much.

KAGAN: And you want this to work, obviously.

OK, Michele, let's bring you back in here, because we have another microphone for you. You have some real practical tips in your book. One of them you call the Nike solution, and that is, just do it.

WEINER-DAVIS: Absolutely. I've been a marriage counselor for 20 years, and I wish I had a dollar for each time someone in my practice who said, you know, when we got started I wasn't in the mood, but once I got my feet moving, I really enjoyed myself.

There is some exciting new research that indicates that at least 50 percent of the population, sexual desire doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen. And truly, one of the best ways to make it happen is to simply be responsive to your spouse's advances, to become physically aroused, then you will desire more sex.

KAGAN: I also thought it was interesting in your book, you point out, you know, it's not just women who are saying I have a headache, or I'm too tired, that men are part of this too.

WEINER-DAVIS: Thank you for bringing that up. That is America's best kept secret. Everyone thinks women have the corner on the low libido market, when the truth is there are millions of men who are just not interested in sex, and it's not because their sexual machinery isn't working; they're doing just fine. But just like women, sometimes they feel resentful, they feel angry, they feel put down, and that is a big, big turnoff for men, as well as women. And the problem is men, don't talk about it.

KAGAN: Well, that's true.

WEINER-DAVIS: There is so much shame. So the women who are married to them think they're the only ones in the world having those kinds of marriages, and it simply isn't true.

KAGAN: What was in the book that you read that you definitely connected with that helped?

T. PATERSON: Perspective, absolutely, 100 percent perspective. I didn't think that as many times as I could tell Chris, that I was not rejecting him, he wasn't feeling that way. And Michele actually explains how it's an closeness a husband feels with his wife to show her that he loves her, and if a wife doesn't respond to that, then we're almost rejecting that love, and that's how they feel. It was the perspective.

KAGAN: When you read the book?

C. PATERSON: Well, the perspective also is basically I understood the way she was feeling, and the way I was feeling wasn't the way I should have been feeling, that she was too tired, or too tired or exhausted, but I got a perspective on it also.

KAGAN: And basically without being too nosy, it's better?

C. PATERSON: Oh, absolutely.

KAGAN: Better, more, all those kinds of things?

T. PATERSON: Absolutely.

C. PATERSON: One thing, you need to set dates.

KAGAN: Set dates.

C. PATERSON: Set times for each other. I mean, have a babysitter and go out and spend time together.

KAGAN: Make it a priority. Thanks for making us a priority this morning. We really appreciate it. The Patersons and Michele Weiner- Davis, appreciate you, and your book.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com







Aired June 24, 2003 - 09:14   ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DARYN KAGAN, CNN ANCHOR: There is a new acronym for a growing segment of the population, "DINS," or dual income/no sex couples. They're married with children, too exhausted to be in the mood. "Newsweek" latest cover in fact covers the nations dwindling sex drive; 15 to 20 percent of marriages are defined as sexless, where sex is rare, if nonexistent.
Tara Paterson and her husband Chris Paterson say the can fall into that category. Also with us, therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of "The Sex Starved Marriage."

Good morning to all of you. Thanks for being with us.

First to the Patersons, not every one is going to go on national television talking about their sex lives. So kind of kudos to you on that.

You guys have had been married for a while. How long?

TARA PATERSON, HAS NO TIME FOR SEX: Seven years.

KAGAN: Seven years, and you have two little kids at home, 6 and 2, is that right?

T. PATERSON: That's right.

KAGAN: Now talk about what your sex life was like before kids and then after kids.

T. PATERSON: OK, before we had children, it was every day. It was exciting. It was, you know...

CHRIS PATERSON, HAS NO TIME FOR SEX: Spontaneous.

T. PATERSON: Exactly. And after our first son, just exhausted and you get tired and it becomes something that gets pushed to the side and, you know, we'll get to that later.

KAGAN: One more thing to do, or rather "not to do" list. And you both are working, both have businesses. I know a lot of people at home are going, I know these people, because they feel like they are you, with businesses, and jobs and kids.

Michele, this is not uncommon.

MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS, AUTHOR, "THE SEX STARVED MARRIAGE": Definitely not. There are going to be a lot of people saying, yes, that's me. But the untold story is not whether having sex or not having sex. Generally what happens in millions of marriages is that there is one spouse who is hot and another spouse who is not. And there is complete misunderstanding of why that happens. Generally the person who has a lower sex drive thinks it's no big deal, it's just sex, it's like scratching an itch. But for the one yearning for touch and physical contact, it really is about feeling wanted and feeling loved. And when that misunderstanding happens, generally what happens in marriages, intimacy on all levels drop out. They stop laughing at each other's jokes, they stop spending time together, and it puts the marriage at risk of infidelity and divorce.

KAGAN: Yes, I was going to jump in here a second. We're having a little bit of trouble with your mike. So I'm going to bring Tara and Chris back in here for a second, because I know people are really hungry to hear what you have to say. But let me bring you guys back in. At what point, did you think you not necessarily had a problem, but that it could be a lot better than this?

C. PATERSON: I think it came after Tara read Michelle's book.

T. PATERSON: No.

KAGAN: Oh, no, you'll tell him when the problem started.

T. PATERSON: I mean the problem I think -- I recognized it and I took action. I mean, I talked to my doctor about it, or I tried to figure out what to do about it. It wasn't something I just wanted to, oh well, and I'm not interested and forget you, because I love him very much.

KAGAN: And you want this to work, obviously.

OK, Michele, let's bring you back in here, because we have another microphone for you. You have some real practical tips in your book. One of them you call the Nike solution, and that is, just do it.

WEINER-DAVIS: Absolutely. I've been a marriage counselor for 20 years, and I wish I had a dollar for each time someone in my practice who said, you know, when we got started I wasn't in the mood, but once I got my feet moving, I really enjoyed myself.

There is some exciting new research that indicates that at least 50 percent of the population, sexual desire doesn't just happen, you have to make it happen. And truly, one of the best ways to make it happen is to simply be responsive to your spouse's advances, to become physically aroused, then you will desire more sex.

KAGAN: I also thought it was interesting in your book, you point out, you know, it's not just women who are saying I have a headache, or I'm too tired, that men are part of this too.

WEINER-DAVIS: Thank you for bringing that up. That is America's best kept secret. Everyone thinks women have the corner on the low libido market, when the truth is there are millions of men who are just not interested in sex, and it's not because their sexual machinery isn't working; they're doing just fine. But just like women, sometimes they feel resentful, they feel angry, they feel put down, and that is a big, big turnoff for men, as well as women. And the problem is men, don't talk about it.

KAGAN: Well, that's true.

WEINER-DAVIS: There is so much shame. So the women who are married to them think they're the only ones in the world having those kinds of marriages, and it simply isn't true.

KAGAN: What was in the book that you read that you definitely connected with that helped?

T. PATERSON: Perspective, absolutely, 100 percent perspective. I didn't think that as many times as I could tell Chris, that I was not rejecting him, he wasn't feeling that way. And Michele actually explains how it's an closeness a husband feels with his wife to show her that he loves her, and if a wife doesn't respond to that, then we're almost rejecting that love, and that's how they feel. It was the perspective.

KAGAN: When you read the book?

C. PATERSON: Well, the perspective also is basically I understood the way she was feeling, and the way I was feeling wasn't the way I should have been feeling, that she was too tired, or too tired or exhausted, but I got a perspective on it also.

KAGAN: And basically without being too nosy, it's better?

C. PATERSON: Oh, absolutely.

KAGAN: Better, more, all those kinds of things?

T. PATERSON: Absolutely.

C. PATERSON: One thing, you need to set dates.

KAGAN: Set dates.

C. PATERSON: Set times for each other. I mean, have a babysitter and go out and spend time together.

KAGAN: Make it a priority. Thanks for making us a priority this morning. We really appreciate it. The Patersons and Michele Weiner- Davis, appreciate you, and your book.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com