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American Morning

How to Keep Your Kids From Making You Insane

Aired July 03, 2003 - 08:50   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


MILES O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: All right, now that school is out and parents are adjusting to a new routine at home. It's hell, isn't it? No.
A child psychologist, Kevin Leman, has some important advice for disciplining the kids. For instance, stick to your guns but don't shoot yourself in the foot. There's one to think about. The best- selling author also says parenting is a journey, not a destination.

I talked with Dr. Leman recently and he offered some other timely words of wisdom.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

KEVIN LEMAN, CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST: I wrote a book called "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" which I think of all the books I've ever written is probably the best title I ever came up with because kids will drive you up the wall any time of year, especially now.

O'BRIEN: Well why though? Is it because the routine's gone and without the routine they don't know how to act?

LEMAN: Oh, that's part of it. But basically you've got to remember kids are hedonistic little suckers. I mean they've got an agenda, Miles. I mean I say in the book, "We have seen the enemy and they are small and they're unionized."

So whether it's getting them water in the middle of the night you know. And you bring the 4-year-old water and they take a little sip and then it's, "That's bathroom water. I want kitchen water. Kitchen water." So they'll find ways to engage you in battle as a parent.

O'BRIEN: Yes. So how do you avoid getting into it? Because you're never going to win.

LEMAN: Well, what you have to do is remove your sails from their wind. They will try to engage you in a power struggle.

Go to a mall this summer and sit there and watch some little 3 or 4-year-old kid who's been dragged through the mall a few too many minutes and they throw a temper tantrum because mom has just said no to getting them a candy treat.

O'BRIEN: And mom should at that point walk away?

LEMAN: She should step over the child. There's a great temptation to step on the child, of course.

But you know what? The kid is saying, Hey, I'm an authority over you. I want you to do what I want you to do. I'm the boss here in this family.

And my books are all premised on the fact that parents are a healthy authority over their kids. And so the smart parent who walks over the child, starts walking away, what do they hear? Mommy, Daddy, wait for me.

(CROSSTALK)

O'BRIEN: Tough thing to do, though, for some parents.

All right, let's do some tips, shall we? (UNINTELLIGIBLE). Your first tip is to hold kids accountable.

LEMAN: Exactly.

O'BRIEN: That sounds simple, but it's a little more murky, isn't it?

LEMAN: But it can be fun, Miles. You know every morning parents have a struggle during the school year, getting kids out the door. Would you hurry up? John Edgar -- and you always add the middle name when you're angry at you kid. You're going to miss the bus.

Hey, let them sleep in some morning, let them be late, then write the note. "Dear school teacher, dear principal, Little Buford and Festus have absolutely no reason to be late today. They chose to fight or they didn't get up or whatever. Feel free you do to whatever to kids who are illegally tardy. Love, Mom.

So putting that tennis ball in the kids' court is important.

O'BRIEN: I've done a similar thing and it worked in our house. And I will bear that one out.

Now give them an opportunity to give back to the family.

LEMAN: Right.

O'BRIEN: What does that mean?

LEMAN: Well, today's parents -- Dr. Leman, we're so glad you're here because we too want happy, happy, happy, happy children.

There's something wonderful about an unhappy child. I could afford to give my kids anything they ever wanted in life and take great pride in not giving them squat diddly jack. Let kids give back to the family.

I have kids who wait for the electric bill to come to see if it's down low enough, because if it's down low enough and they saved money, they get to have pizza some night and Mom doesn't have to cook.

O'BRIEN: So you have a bonus for turning off the light switch.

LEMAN: You know what it is? I think a 12-year-old kid should pay all the bills in your family for six months. Let them see what a mortgage payment looks like.

O'BRIEN: Put them to work.

All right, vitamin N and vitamin E, you talk about. What are those?

LEMAN: Yes, tell them no. Vitamin N. Don't let your kids grow up too quickly. Keep them kids. Parents today are crazy.

O'BRIEN: They say yes too much?

LEMAN: They do. And we're guilt driven that they have to give little Buford and little Festus everything they ever wanted in life. Well, what they need is your love. They need your encouragement, which is vitamin E. And they need your support. But they need your discipline. It's part of loving a child.

O'BRIEN: It's a tight rope, isn't it?

All right, let reality be the teacher. What does that mean?

LEMAN: Means if you ask the 11-year-old to clean up the room and they haven't cleaned it, don't rag on them. Go hire little 9-year-old Drucilla and let her go in and clean 11-year-old's room. And when he finds out his sister was even in his room he's not going to be happy. When he learns he lost $3 out of his allowance for the janitorial services within the home he's going to be unhappy.

In other words, you're always holding the kids accountable. And it works. I've raised five kids from 30 to 10, Miles. And we've quit having kids on at least three occasions I'm aware of. And it works. This stuff works.

O'BRIEN: You got to outsmart them. And it's not so easy, is it?

LEMAN: No. But just keep a half, that's all you need. A half a step ahead of them.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

O'BRIEN: Give me a half step, give me a half step.

Dr. Leman's latest book about married couples and sex called "Sheet Music" is out in the stores now. And we invite you to check that out, entertaining writing. And interesting.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com







Aired July 3, 2003 - 08:50   ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
MILES O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: All right, now that school is out and parents are adjusting to a new routine at home. It's hell, isn't it? No.
A child psychologist, Kevin Leman, has some important advice for disciplining the kids. For instance, stick to your guns but don't shoot yourself in the foot. There's one to think about. The best- selling author also says parenting is a journey, not a destination.

I talked with Dr. Leman recently and he offered some other timely words of wisdom.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

KEVIN LEMAN, CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST: I wrote a book called "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" which I think of all the books I've ever written is probably the best title I ever came up with because kids will drive you up the wall any time of year, especially now.

O'BRIEN: Well why though? Is it because the routine's gone and without the routine they don't know how to act?

LEMAN: Oh, that's part of it. But basically you've got to remember kids are hedonistic little suckers. I mean they've got an agenda, Miles. I mean I say in the book, "We have seen the enemy and they are small and they're unionized."

So whether it's getting them water in the middle of the night you know. And you bring the 4-year-old water and they take a little sip and then it's, "That's bathroom water. I want kitchen water. Kitchen water." So they'll find ways to engage you in battle as a parent.

O'BRIEN: Yes. So how do you avoid getting into it? Because you're never going to win.

LEMAN: Well, what you have to do is remove your sails from their wind. They will try to engage you in a power struggle.

Go to a mall this summer and sit there and watch some little 3 or 4-year-old kid who's been dragged through the mall a few too many minutes and they throw a temper tantrum because mom has just said no to getting them a candy treat.

O'BRIEN: And mom should at that point walk away?

LEMAN: She should step over the child. There's a great temptation to step on the child, of course.

But you know what? The kid is saying, Hey, I'm an authority over you. I want you to do what I want you to do. I'm the boss here in this family.

And my books are all premised on the fact that parents are a healthy authority over their kids. And so the smart parent who walks over the child, starts walking away, what do they hear? Mommy, Daddy, wait for me.

(CROSSTALK)

O'BRIEN: Tough thing to do, though, for some parents.

All right, let's do some tips, shall we? (UNINTELLIGIBLE). Your first tip is to hold kids accountable.

LEMAN: Exactly.

O'BRIEN: That sounds simple, but it's a little more murky, isn't it?

LEMAN: But it can be fun, Miles. You know every morning parents have a struggle during the school year, getting kids out the door. Would you hurry up? John Edgar -- and you always add the middle name when you're angry at you kid. You're going to miss the bus.

Hey, let them sleep in some morning, let them be late, then write the note. "Dear school teacher, dear principal, Little Buford and Festus have absolutely no reason to be late today. They chose to fight or they didn't get up or whatever. Feel free you do to whatever to kids who are illegally tardy. Love, Mom.

So putting that tennis ball in the kids' court is important.

O'BRIEN: I've done a similar thing and it worked in our house. And I will bear that one out.

Now give them an opportunity to give back to the family.

LEMAN: Right.

O'BRIEN: What does that mean?

LEMAN: Well, today's parents -- Dr. Leman, we're so glad you're here because we too want happy, happy, happy, happy children.

There's something wonderful about an unhappy child. I could afford to give my kids anything they ever wanted in life and take great pride in not giving them squat diddly jack. Let kids give back to the family.

I have kids who wait for the electric bill to come to see if it's down low enough, because if it's down low enough and they saved money, they get to have pizza some night and Mom doesn't have to cook.

O'BRIEN: So you have a bonus for turning off the light switch.

LEMAN: You know what it is? I think a 12-year-old kid should pay all the bills in your family for six months. Let them see what a mortgage payment looks like.

O'BRIEN: Put them to work.

All right, vitamin N and vitamin E, you talk about. What are those?

LEMAN: Yes, tell them no. Vitamin N. Don't let your kids grow up too quickly. Keep them kids. Parents today are crazy.

O'BRIEN: They say yes too much?

LEMAN: They do. And we're guilt driven that they have to give little Buford and little Festus everything they ever wanted in life. Well, what they need is your love. They need your encouragement, which is vitamin E. And they need your support. But they need your discipline. It's part of loving a child.

O'BRIEN: It's a tight rope, isn't it?

All right, let reality be the teacher. What does that mean?

LEMAN: Means if you ask the 11-year-old to clean up the room and they haven't cleaned it, don't rag on them. Go hire little 9-year-old Drucilla and let her go in and clean 11-year-old's room. And when he finds out his sister was even in his room he's not going to be happy. When he learns he lost $3 out of his allowance for the janitorial services within the home he's going to be unhappy.

In other words, you're always holding the kids accountable. And it works. I've raised five kids from 30 to 10, Miles. And we've quit having kids on at least three occasions I'm aware of. And it works. This stuff works.

O'BRIEN: You got to outsmart them. And it's not so easy, is it?

LEMAN: No. But just keep a half, that's all you need. A half a step ahead of them.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

O'BRIEN: Give me a half step, give me a half step.

Dr. Leman's latest book about married couples and sex called "Sheet Music" is out in the stores now. And we invite you to check that out, entertaining writing. And interesting.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com