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American Morning
Parenting at 30, 40, 50; Phone Company Denials; New England Flooding
Aired May 17, 2006 - 09:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DAN LOTHIAN, CNN CORRESPONDENT: I'm Dan Lothian in Amesbury, Massachusetts. The rain stopped. The sun is shining. But will the dam hold or buckle under pressure?
JACQUI JERAS, CNN METEOROLOGIST: I'm meteorologist Jacqui Jeras. Well, it has stopped in the Northeast. There is more rain in the forecast. We'll let you know when it arrives coming up with your national forecast.
ED HENRY, CNN WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT: I'm Ed Henry at the White House, where there's been a sudden change of heart about briefing Congress on that controversial NSA program. But will it be enough to save the president's pick for CIA director?
SOLEDAD O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: And our special hour, the ins and outs of parenting in your 30s and your 40s and your 50s. We'll take a look how you can keep your kid from becoming a problem child. Plus, we're going to take your calls and your e-mails all ahead on this AMERICAN MORNING.
Good morning. Welcome back, everybody. I'm Soledad O'Brien.
JOHN ROBERTS, CNN ANCHOR: And I'm John Roberts, in for Miles O'Brien, on our last hour this morning on that day we like to refer to as...
O'BRIEN: Hump day.
ROBERTS: ... over the hump. Looking forward to the weekend coming up soon.
O'BRIEN: Before that, though, we begin with a "Security watch," your phone records and the National Security Agency's domestic spying program. Verizon and BellSouth now denying they gave the NSA phone records of its customers, and word of a $200 billion class action lawsuit is swirling around this controversy.
Let's get right to White House Correspondent Ed Henry, Business Correspondent Carrie Lee, both with more on this.
Let's begin with Carrie.
Hey, Carrie.
CARRIE LEE, CNN BUSINESS CORRESPONDENT: Hi, Soledad. The big question, did your phone company give your records to the National Security Agency? Well, as you said, Verizon, BellSouth pretty much saying no.
Briefly, some of their statements, Verizon saying that they did not enter into an arrangement to provide the NSA with calling data. BellSouth saying they did not provide bulk customer calling records to the NSA. And AT&T, in more of a policy statement, says it does not allow wiretapping without a court order.
Now, still, the three carriers all face a number of lawsuits by customers alleging privacy violations. One of them in New York, seeking $200 billion in damages. And John Roberts spoke to the lawyer in that case earlier this morning on AMERICAN MORNING.
Here's what he had to say.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARL MAYER, PUBLIC INTEREST ATTORNEY: The U.S. law is very clear that the phone companies cannot give to the NSA or to any government agency your phone records.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
LEE: Now, why the disconnect between what the phone companies are saying and what this original piece in "USA Today" alleged? Well, there's a possibility that the NSA requested data from long distance phone companies. Names like AT&T, Sprint and MCI, and not the local carriers like Verizon and BellSouth.
Now, Verizon coming out saying that it did not enter into agreement with the NSA, but remember, Verizon bought MCI a few years ago. MCI specifically was not named in that Verizon statement.
So that is the latest on this, John and Soledad, but certainly we'll be continuing to follow this story.
O'BRIEN: Let's get right to Ed Henry now. He's got a look at what the White House is saying. Kind of a big change of heart in their strategy now.
Right, Ed?
HENRY: That's right. Good morning, Soledad.
The White House says now after months of saying they would not do this, they have suddenly said today they will brief the full House and Senate intelligence committees on that controversial domestic surveillance program. What's behind this change of heart clearly is the fact they're trying to take some of the sting out of General Michael Hayden's confirmation hearings to be the next CIA director.
They begin tomorrow before the Senate Intelligence Committee. General Hayden was the architect of that domestic spying program. This last-minute maneuver, though, may not really quell the concerns of Democrats and some Republicans on the Hill who have been raising sharp questions about the legality of this program, whether or not civil liberties of Americans have been violated. And those lawmakers will be wondering why it took the White House so long to finally break down and agree to brief both of these committees.
New White House Press Secretary Tony Snow told me a short while ago it's because the White House wants be careful about releasing information that could give terrorists a look at our playbook.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TONY SNOW, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: You've got surveillance that is being conducted in order to find al Qaeda members here and abroad who are trying to kill Americans. And the idea of somehow spilling the beans so those al Qaeda members then can adjust their behavior and their techniques and their approaches to terrorism would be grossly irresponsible.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
HENRY: Still, there will be plenty of fireworks at General Hayden's confirmation hearings that begin tomorrow. But Tony Snow told me the White House is still confident he'll still make it through -- Soledad.
O'BRIEN: Ed Henry for us this morning.
Ed, thanks -- John.
ROBERTS: Many people in New England are finally able to come back home this morning. For many people it's the first chance to see the real damage that's been done by the massive floodwaters that have been raging there for the last few days, and face the daunting task of drying out as well.
AMERICAN MORNING'S Dan Lothian is live in Amesbury, Massachusetts, near the border with New Hampshire.
Good morning to you, Dan.
LOTHIAN: Good morning, John. Well, state officials say that most of the dams that they were so concerned about are in the clear, but there are still problem spots, like this dam here in Amesbury, Massachusetts.
First of all, before we go down and show you all of the problems that they potentially could have here, I must point out some good news. The water level here has dropped significantly, even from yesterday. So that is the good news here, but engineers are still looking at the integrity of this dam.
There were some initial problems. They can't really get a good look at it to totally assess it. It's holding for now, but they still have some concerns that it could give. Not only here at the dam, but also some of the debris or rocks that could peel off from the side, go down, clog the system, lead to additional flooding downstream.
That is the area where they've evacuated about half of the town. That includes homes and businesses. The fire chief told us earlier that they will not allow folks to return until the engineers have a full assessment about the integrity of this dam, and that could take a couple of days -- John.
ROBERTS: Dan, thanks very much.
Time for the forecast now to see if the rain in New England is all over and done with. Jacqui Jeras at the CNN Center in Atlanta.
So, Jacqui, what are we looking at?
JERAS: Well, temporarily, John. It is dry.
(WEATHER REPORT)
O'BRIEN: Thanks, Jacqui.
Coming up this morning, we're devoting really the rest of our hour to ask -- to really give parents a chance to ask -- ask questions of our experts this morning. It's our theme of our 30, 40, 50s series today, the real issues and ways parents at three different stages in life can handle them.
Listen.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hello.
O'BRIEN (voice over): You want them, and you love them, but you also have to raise them. And it's not cheap in terms of time and work and money. It's going to cost you over $200,000 to raise a child to age 17.
And then college. With more people having kids later in life, new parents may start out with more savings, but then there are other issues, like whether to go back to work, how to raise children in the Internet age, and how to keep up with the Joneses' latest bugaboo.
After all this, who has energy left for the other things in life?
(END VIDEOTAPE)
O'BRIEN: That's the life.
For the rest of the hour, we've bot lots of specific advice for you. We're going to get to your questions, ask our experts to answer them. Not only by phone -- toll free number, 877-AM6-1300 -- let's throw it up on the screen for folks -- 877-266-1300. Our e-mail address, too, AM@CNN.com.
We're back in just a moment.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
O'BRIEN: According to the Centers for Disease Control, almost 1.5 million women between the ages of 30 and 39 had children in 2003. And just 100,000 women between the ages of 40 and 54 had babies.
ROBERTS: So how does your mindset and your parenting style change as you age?
Here with the details, Michele Borba. She's the author of "12 Simple Secrets that Real Moms Know." And also with us, pediatrician Dr. Bob Sears, author of "Father's First Steps: 23 Things Every First Dad Should Know."
Good morning to both of you.
O'BRIEN: Nice to see you guys.
MICHELE BORBA, "12 SIMPLE SECRETS REAL MOMS KNOW": Good morning.
DR. BOB SEARS, "FATHERS FIRST STEPS": Good morning.
O'BRIEN: You know, in some ways it seems like a real tradeoff. In your 30s you're younger. What a great age to have young kids, right? Because you've got the energy. Your 50s, you're older. You have the money to pay for all these expensive things that kids require.
What does your experience tell both of you, when's the best age to have a kid?
SEARS: Well, I think, you know, whenever it's right for you. I remember when I was really young, my wife and I looked at each other and said, you know, our life is never going to get more simple than it is now. We're going to get busier the older we get. So we decided to have kids right away in our early 20s.
And I'm very -- you know, I found it very rewarding. I'm really glad I did. You know, other people obviously like to get through the 20s, get their careers settled first, and then start having kids. So it's really, obviously, an individual choice.
ROBERTS: What do you think, Michele? Are people better able to deal with the rigors of having a child at an earlier age, but maybe more emotionally ready later in life?
BORBA: Well, here's the key. Certainly, you're able to deal with the rigors as you are younger, because you've got something called energy. As you get older, you have something called wisdom. So, along the way, it's called a choice of what's going to work best for you, because what you want above all else is something called a child.
ROBERTS: Right. You know, I know lots of people in their 20s and 30s who are having children, but then I know a few people who are in their 50s -- men, obviously, in their 50s who are having children. One of the folks here works just upstairs just had a child, and he's probably in his early 50s, and loving every minute of t.
O'BRIEN: It's exhausting.
BORBA: There's the key. Loving every minute of it is the point that you really want to emphasize. And look, the oldest woman on record now is 66. So you never know.
O'BRIEN: Oh, lord. That's exhausting even to think about.
Let's get to our first phone caller, who's Wanda. She's 43 years old and she's in Newark, Delaware.
Hi, Wanda. What's your question for our experts this morning?
CALLER: Oh, hi. My question is that I'm dealing with what I call the drama queen stage. My 7-year-old daughter Issa (ph) usually has some sort of fight with her 9-year-old brother Jared (ph). And when I go to discipline her, give her an early bedtime, it turns into a screaming, crying, door-slamming episode, and it's just emotionally exhausting. And I'm concerned...
O'BRIEN: We call this the death spiral in my house. You know, the minute you sort of intervene to try to turn things around, you can't do it. The kid keeps just going down.
How do you stop the death spiral?
BORBA: Well, number one is, back to what she called the drama queen. Mommy has nailed it, and you did perfectly. Because drama queens figure out which script works, and they will continue to use the script.
You're going to have to bite the bullet, mom, and realize you're going to get the death spiral. But first of all, stop it in (INAUDIBLE) and say that isn't how we're going to act.
ROBERTS: Yes. I remember -- and I'm going to tell a tale on my daughter. She went into the death spiral at the age of about 3 to 5 -- 3 to almost 5 over dinnertime. She didn't want to eat. We wanted her to eat. So time out on the stairs.
BORBA: Yes.
ROBERTS: Is that -- how should you deal with the death spiral?
SEARS: Well, in my house, I always involved myself in my kids' bedtime routine. And so did my wife. It was always a family thing. You know, a half-hour or a whole hour of reading stories, settling down, you know, tucking them in, sitting by their bed, telling them a little bedtime story.
My kids always looked forward to bedtime, and I did as well. It was a very bonding experience. So, fortunately, in my house, I haven't experienced the death spiral yet but maybe...
O'BRIEN: Wow. (CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: I need to send my kids to your house.
BORBA: The key, though, is when it's happening. If it's right before bedtime, you can do the wind-down.
ROBERTS: Right.
BORBA: But you're mentioning, and it sounds like she is also, if it's a certain time and place, then you're going to have to do the consequence any time, way, shape and form.
ROBERTS: Or you can do the "Desperate Housewives" method...
BORBA: Right.
ROBERTS: ... like they did with Caleb (ph), and lock him in their basement.
We've got Karen on the phone with us now. She's 47 years old, she's about to catch a plane at the St. Louis airport.
What's your question this morning, Karen?
CALLER: Well, I'm in the process of moving from New York to Fairfield, Iowa, and I have a 12-year-old daughter who is very resistant to the move. She doesn't want to leave her friends, of course. And just wondering how I can support her through the move.
O'BRIEN: That's a tough age. That's a tough age to move.
BORBA: A couple of little points on this one. Number one, moves are always hard. So you're always -- the number one thing is, mom, make sure that you tell your daughter she can continue to e-mail buddies back, call back, or even set up a time where, here's the place where you can get back during, you know, the summer and meet.
But second of all, teach her along the way wonderful little things called friendship-making skills. You can even go and visit the school ahead of time, or the neighborhood. If you can find one friend, because they don't need a whole bunch, but at least one little buddy that she can begin to connect before, she's going to feel a lot more secure.
ROBERTS: Right. Just somewhere to start, really...
BORBA: Somewhere to start is where it's at.
ROBERTS: Thanks for your question, Karen. Appreciate it.
O'BRIEN: We took out our cameras out to get some folks on the street just to give us their questions they had. You'd be -- I mean, every single parent has a question for you guys.
This is a question about aggressive behavior. Listen. (BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hi. My name is Peggy and I'm in my 30s. I have five kids, and five and under. And I have 2-year-old twins. And one of the twins is always biting the other, when she gets mad or when she gets excited.
Do you have any suggestions for us?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
O'BRIEN: I have the same exact problem. I have one...
ROBERTS: Feed her so that she's not hungry enough to...
(CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: If it were only that easy that it were about hunger. But it's not.
BORBA: No.
O'BRIEN: I mean, I have one twin who bites his brother, sometimes right on the face. And you sprint across the room to try to stop it.
SEARS: Yes.
O'BRIEN: You can't get there in time. It's really upsetting, honestly.
SEARS: I think every child goes through a biting or a hitting stage. And when you have two siblings close together, it's even tougher.
I usually encourage parents to take two kind of different approaches. One is, don't intervene too quickly. If the kids are, you know rough-housing a little bit, but no one is getting seriously hurt, then step back and see how they're going to work it out.
ROBERTS: Wait until you hear that arm snap, right?
SEARS: No. Yes, but -- no. You have to be -- you have to be nearby, and if you see it's going to escalate, then you've just got to intervene.
and I like to separate both my kids. Move both my kids into a different room if they're fighting, even if one was a little more at fault. I like them both to feel like there's a little consequence if they didn't get along.
O'BRIEN: There was a school (INAUDIBLE) that bite back.
BORBA: Never bite back.
O'BRIEN: Yes -- wasn't that true? Some people had that theory. BORBA: It is, because little guys at this point are something called copycats.
O'BRIEN: Yes.
BORBA: And you're going to find it escalating back up.
O'BRIEN: All right. We've got to take a short break.
We're going to take your e-mails and your phone calls, so keep them coming. Our number, again, is 877-AM6-1300. The number right there on your screen. Or you can send us an e-mail at am@cnn.com. Any questions you have for our experts on parenting this morning.
A short break. We're back in just a moment.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ROBERTS: And we're back with parenting experts Michele Borba and Dr. Bob Sears for this entire hour.
O'BRIEN: Want to get right to some viewer questions. This one is from Carol from New York City. Listen.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Hi. I'm carol. I'm 51. I'm the parent of two kids, a preteen and a teenager.
My question has to do with kids in those -- that age wanting to pull away, have more independence from their parents, want more privacy time with their friends. And so how do parents maintain communication with their kids, as well as respecting their privacy?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
O'BRIEN: Ooh. It's always a problem.
BORBA: I love that one, because as a mom, I've got the older set. And one of the things is, yes, you need to let them have that privacy, but you also need to stay into their zone.
So some little points.
Number one is, figure out the time when this child is most receptive to talking and get there. Mine was always around the refrigerator at 5:00. Be there and plant yourself.
Number two is, very often kids at that age want to shut down and don't want to talk so much to mom and dad. So you may want to get -- when I said get into their zone, seriously, where's the place where they're most likely to be receptive to talking? At the mall? Boys like to talk when they're doing things.
Maybe -- oh, and if you're carpooling, use that opportunity. They're locked in the car. Turn off the radio. ROBERTS: Right. You know, it is very frustrating for a parent, though. And I know that I've experienced this to a small degree, in that, you know, the kids start to get their own interests and they're not mommy and daddy's little boy or girl anymore, and you start to feel that sense of loss. You know, the communication, the reliance on me is not there anymore.
SEARS: You know what I did? The way I stayed in the zone is I -- I -- when I my teenage son -- he's 13 now -- when he took up the electric guitar, and I'd hear him, you know, playing away in the garage...
ROBERTS: You took up the bass?
SEARS: I took up the bass guitar. I love it. It's so much fun. And him and I, you know, a half hour, you know, a few days a week we're out there in the garage jamming -- jamming away.
ROBERTS: That's great.
SEARS: And you get a chance to talk. And so each of my kids, I see what their zone is, and I join in, skateboarding, mountain biking, whatever it is.
ROBERTS: Right.
O'BRIEN: Parents often want to know what's happening inside sorts of the bedrooms. OK to snoop or no?
SEARS: I've never snooped yet. You know...
O'BRIEN: See, this is a good question. I mean, seriously, OK to go through their stuff? You're the parent. Technically it's your room. Or no?
Should you say, listen, this is their one little oasis of stuff that's theirs? What do you think?
BORBA: I agree on that one. My big concern is the computer right now because of the rise in cyber bullying.
ROBERTS: Right, yes.
BORBA: And I think that you really have to be tuned into that one.
SEARS: Yes, we're really careful with the Internet filters. Our computers are in the central location of our house t.
ROBERTS: Yes, you have to be. I mean, look at the case of that kid in California.
BORBA: Exactly.
ROBERTS: Hey, just back on what you were saying, when you say you like to get into your kid's zone, you do the skateboarding thing and all that, you know, is there pressure on a parent, particularly an older parent -- I mean, you're in your mid-30s, so you're still relatively young. Is there pressure on older parents to be too hip with their kids?
BORBA: Don't try to be too hip. Be real, because once you lose that authenticity they're going to see right through you and they're going to go, you're trying to be hip and cool, and you're not, mom.
But a great little suggestion one mom pounded (ph) on to me is she was really feeling out of it. She actually started subscribing to a couple "Teen People" magazines so she could at least get into the lingo with the kids.
(CROSSTALK)
BORBA: And all of a sudden, her daughters thought she was a little cooler than before.
O'BRIEN: Crystal is calling us. She's 30 years old. She's from Savannah, New York.
Hey, Crystal.
CALLER: Hello.
O'BRIEN: What's your question?
CALLER: My question is, I have an 18-month-old and a 3-month- old. Now, my 18-month-old started talking, saying "Dada, Mama" at about 12, 14 months. Then she stopped. I'm wondering, is this OK? And what is the average age that a child does start talking and keep on talking more and more?
O'BRIEN: The 18-month-old is a boy or a girl?
CALLER: A girl.
O'BRIEN: A girl. OK. Eighteen-month-old girl, because I found my boys were actually much more delayed in their speech. It took longer to speak.
BORBA: That's a typical one.
O'BRIEN: So an 18-month-old girl, is she delayed or you think...
SEARS: Well, most kids will start saying "Mama" and "Dada" by 12 months of age, and it should continue to progress from there. A lot of 18-month-old kids will say, you know, five to 10 words at least. Then by the time you're 2, you should be putting, you know, a couple words together and a little sentence.
O'BRIEN: So she needs to watch this?
SEARS: Yes. I would say, you know, she should have a discussion with her doctor and go from there.
ROBERTS: All right.
Got an e-mail here. Brad, not telling us where he's from, he says, "I have a 3-year-old daughter that's almost constantly sucking her thumb. She's damaging her teeth considerably. What can I do to help her stop?"
O'BRIEN: My husband's name is Brad, and we have a daughter who sucks her thumb. Go ahead. I'm interested.
Thank you, honey. Appreciate that.
Is it really damaging, first, Dr. Sears, to put your fingers in your mouth as opposed to a pacifier?
SEARS: Well, yes. Either one can cause an overbite if a baby is allowed to suck the thumb or use a pacifier beyond age 2.
O'BRIEN: Oh.
SEARS: And so I always encourage parents to try to lose the pacifier, or try to, you know...
(CROSSTALK)
ROBERTS: All right. But when a baby incessantly sucking its thumb, what do you do?
SEARS: I mean, it can be a problem. You know, if a baby is 3 years old and they're still sucking the thumb, it's really hard -- it's almost impossible to get them to stop. Sometimes you've just got to step back. If they already have an overbite, the damage is already done.
ROBERTS: But a lot of times isn't it a behavior of insecurity?
SEARS: It certainly could be. And you've got to identify the times, you know, when do they suck their thumb?
Is it -- is it bedtime? Maybe they need you a little more at bedtime. Maybe they're sitting watching too much television and just sucking the thumb during that kind of down time. Maybe you just have to engage them more, be more active with them.
O'BRIEN: I don't know. I think -- I spend a lot of time with her. I don't think it's that. I think it's a comfort thing. I think that, you know, they want to comfort themselves.
SEARS: It certainly can be.
ROBERTS: Can you teach them alternative behavior?
O'BRIEN: I don't know, I feel badly -- I feel badly about telling a little kid, because people pick on her. And, oh, look -- you know, I don't want to join in that group. I say, listen, you know, big girls don't suck on their fingers. That's all I'm going to say. SEARS: And then she'll stop when she -- when she goes to school and no one else is doing it.
O'BRIEN: When she's 30. College. I know what you're talking about.
All right. We've got to take a short break.
Still ahead, the dilemma that millions of women have, stay home with the kids or go back to work? We're gong to get into that in just a little bit.
Again, our phone number right there on the screen, 877-AM6-1300, or e-mail am@CNN.com.
We're back in just a moment.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ROBERTS: We've got some breaking news to tell you about this morning. Let's go to Carol Costello who's in the newsroom for us. Good morning, Carol.
CAROL COSTELLO, CNN ANCHOR: Good morning. Good morning to all of you. This just in the to us here at CNN. Several schools in Michigan in lockdown right now after an apparent robbery attempt at a nearby credit union. Police are searching for the suspect right now. The schools are in Romulus, Michigan. This according to WDIV. We'll keep you posted.
(NEWSBREAK)
(WEATHER REPORT)
(BUSINESS HEADLINES)
ROBERTS: Coming up next, we continue our series, "30, 40, 50." We're talking parenting with our experts. Ahead, stay at home or go back to work? It's a huge question for new moms. We're also answering e-mails and taking your calls toll free this morning, 877- AM6-1300, or 877-266-1300. You can also e-mail us, AM@CNN.com.
We're back right after this.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
O'BRIEN: Welcome back, everybody. We're talking about parenting, in your 30s, and your 40s and in your 50s. Our guest this morning, Michele Borba. She's the author of "12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know". It's a terrific book. Also, Dr. Bob Sears. He's the chief editor at AskDrSears.com, also the author of "Father's First Steps: 25 Things Every New Dad Should Know."
Nice to see you guys. Good morning.
I got to ask you question about stay-at-home moms versus working- outside-the-home moms. It is such a fierce competition, certainly here in New York City, and I think that's reflected across the country. Why do you think, Michele, it's so bitterly divided? In some ways, we all should be on the same team, right?
MICHELE BORBA, "12 SIMPLE SECRETS REAL MOMS KNOW": Exactly. I think the number-one thing is raise the white flags and get on board together, because we have a lot more in common. We're all raising children.
I think that what's fueling it is guilt. We all want to do the best job we can do. Unfortunately, in a lot of case, it's mean girl grows up. But enough is enough. Let's stop it, let's realize -- I just did a survey with 5,000 parents to write "12 Simple Secrets" and the number-one thing I discovered is that 85 percent of moms, no matter stay at home or working, feel guilty, so let's look at what are we going to do instead?
ROBERTS: There is a greater trend stay-at-home moms recently. I think 24 percent of moms say that they're stay at home, which is up from 20 percent 10 years ago. What's driving that?
BORBA: Well, it's a choice to be able to say I really want to be able to say I really want to be able to stay at home with my mom -- my children. Some kids' parents don't have that choice, but the biggest problem is we're still looking at 58 percent of moms of children under the age of three who are working, so we have to figure out ways to let's help those moms and let's get onboard together.
O'BRIEN: I would also think the really high cost of child care is what's driving that, because some say it's not worth it. I mean, the numbers are so -- the dollar amount is so high, it's not worth it to go into the workforce.
ROBERTS: Yes, there was a survey done that found out that a stay-at-home mom is worth salary, I think it was salary, about $130,000-something a year.
O'BRIEN: Yes, $138,000. I thought was low. I thought it deserved to be a lot higher.
BORBA: Well, there's three things, though, you want to look at. The 30-year-old moms that are staying home, it's going to be different from the 30s to the 40s. But the 30-year-old moms, very often whether you're in the workforce or not, you're kind of on autopilot. It you're not careful, you don't realize it's going by really quickly. So a very strong suggestion with that frame is create your memory. You usually don't want to be known as the one who's got the longest to-do list to your kid. But pretend your children are coming back to the family reunion, you know, and it's 40 years from now. How do you most want to be remembered?
ROBERTS: Bob is there a measurable, or at least if not measurable, recognizable difference in the behavior, the attitude of children who are raised by stay-at-home moms versus working moms? DR. BOB SEARS, PEDIATRICIAN: Well, you would think the kids of stay-at-home moms would be better adjusted and better behaved. But I think it really, in the long run, comes down to the parent. You could be a full-time, working parent, but when it comes to home, you're at home with your kids, interacting with them, building relationships.
ROBERTS: You're saying it's not quantity, it's quality.
SEARS: Yes, it's quality. Quantity counts as well, definitely, but you could have a stay-at-home mom who may pays very little attention their kids, maybe watches TV all day, let's their kids play video games all day. And that's probably the worst situation compared to a working mom who's really devoted to her children.
O'BRIEN: Let's get to a phone call before I let you go, Michele. Diane is 33. She's from San Antonio, Texas. Let's get to her question.
Hey, Diane.
DIANE: Hi, Soledad.
O'BRIEN: What's your question for our experts?
DIANE: Well, my question is, I have a 5-year-old and an 8-year- old, and I am a stay-at-home mom, but I'm torn between you know, going back to work and staying home now, because, of course, it's getting difficult to keep running the household on just one salary. But sat the same time, I don't want to jeopardize my kids by not being there for them, picking them up from school, taking them to swimming lessons, ballet, because there's so much competition out there for them in the future. So I want to, you know, prepare them along the way, but sat the same time, I -- you know, staying home, it's a little difficult.
O'BRIEN: It's hard to balance. I mean she summed it up in a nutshell.
(CROSSTALK)
BORBA: There's always guilt on one end. But let me just give you this real quick.
ROBERTS: She's got it on both ends.
BORBA: She does. No matter what you do, you're getting pulled.
The best research on this overscheduling stuff tells us, number one, that you don't need to do all of it, mom. What you really want to do is find your child's real passion, because the most talented kids didn't have moms going from do, do, do, do, do. They figured out, what's that child's natural strength, and that's the activity they chose. More is not better. So don't feel so guilty. Find one thing, and go that way.
ROBERTS: Got an e-mail from Monica who writes us from Austin, Texas. She says, "Our nanny is getting married and moving to another state." No, the nanny's getting married, not running away with my husband. "Our nanny is getting married and moving to another state. She's been with us four years. We're concerned how our 5-year-old son, who's very attached to her, is going to react. What can we do to ease the transition?"
SEARS: I think both parents are probably going to have to pick up the slack. If they've had a full-time nanny, that probably means both parents have been working, and one of them maybe needs to think about going a little part-time now, and just really you know, focusing on their relationship with their child.
S. O'BRIEN: that might be really hard to do. If that were my situation, and my oldest is five, no way. I'd be like, so, honey, are you going part time, or am I? I think it might be unrealistic for some people. I wonder if there's, like, transitional things you can do with your kids that make a bad situation into kind of like a happy situation. She's getting married! Yes!
BORBA: Exactly. I think a gradual, smooth transition, because the biggest think that's in that little guy's head right now is she's gone. Now what? So you want to gradually help that child know that mommy and daddy are going to be here. You can still write to the nanny. But in the meantime, pick up a little bit of the -- a little extra attention time, so you rebuild that bond with that child.
O'BRIEN: I'm asking you guys a question about how you can keep from raising a brat. There are so many brats out there.
ROBERTS: This is the segment I'm looking for.
O'BRIEN: That, however, after we take a quick break. We're also going to...
ROBERTS: It's take a village, right.
O'BRIEN: It takes a village.
We're taking your phone call, too. The number right there on your screen, 877-AM6-1300. E-mail, of course, am@CNN.com.
We're back in just a moment.
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O'BRIEN: We're back with our experts in just a moment talking about 30s, 40s, 50s, parenting. First though we want to check in with Daryn Kagan, see what she's working on for this morning.
Hey, Daryn, good morning.
DARYN KAGAN, CNN ANCHOR: Good morning to both of you.
Are you hitting the road today? You'll want to buckle up, or wear a bra. Yes, the combination could save your life.
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UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I stuff fly back and hit me, and I like got pushed back into the seat, and I just didn't know what it was at first.
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KAGAN: A Florida woman shot in traffic lives to tell about it thanks to a couple of straps.
Speaking of driving, I'll tell you who's naughty and who's nice on highways. A new survey ranks the big cities on road rage.
And then there's this...
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: While we've got you here, E.U. membership for Bulgaria and Romania, do you think that's a good thing?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Not really.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KAGAN: Guy shows up for a job interview. Yes, he's interviewed live on the news. The goof is ahead, "LIVE TODAY." The live part and the goof. The goof-free version we're going to have first.
ROBERTS: Chauncey Gardner on the BBC.
O'BRIEN: Oh, that was so funny.
KAGAN: The look on his face.
O'BRIEN: Oh, my God. The look on his face, absolutely priceless. All right, Daryn. Looking forward to that.
ROBERTS: and the Wonderbra story.
O'BRIEN: Also pretty funny. That's ahead at the top of the hour.
First, though, we finish with our "30s 40s, 50s" parenting advice from our experts. We've got Dr. Bob Sears joining us as well, and Michele Borba as well, written terrific books on parenting.
Let's talk a little bit about brats. What do you think is the number-one thing?
I do think every parent goes into it hoping that their kid's going to be a good kid, and yet you see a lot of obnoxious kids.
ROBERTS: Yes, how do you build a brat?
O'BRIEN: Yes, what do you think is the one thing a parent does that really does build a brat that you shouldn't do? BORBA: They don't stretch from me to we. The child becomes feeling like they're the little princess, an entitlement, and it's very often because -- empathy is this wonderful thing that our kids are hard wired for. But unless we stretch it, it will lie dormant, and that's the real goal you want to do help that kid be a better human being.
ROBERTS: Does it have something to do whey you talk about in your book here, real mom's secret number four: a mother who is a good role model gives her children an example worth copying?
BORBA: Yes, because it's the boomerang effect of parenting, that what you do comes right back to your face and haunt you, and we get those every day little moments, are the most wonderful ways to teach your kid. How are you doing, mom, in terms of selflessness, loyalty. Watch out for gossip.
ROBERTS: Dr. Bob, I assume that discipline would be a part of this equation, too, wouldn't it? I mean, when is discipline appropriate and what level of discipline is appropriate?
SEARS: Well, you have to know when to say no and when to say yes. Parents who say yes all the time to everything will, you know -- often that kid won't grow up knowing boundaries and limits. But parents on the other hand who say no to everything -- it really dampens a child's curiosity and creativity. So you got give your kids, you know, the freedom to roam around the house and get into things, and, you know, pretty much know when to say no.
But, you know, really, it also comes down to how you start off. You know, you mentioned, you know, at the beginning, you know, what do you do from the very beginning as a parent that might end up creating a brat? And it's -- if you're an uninvolved parent that doesn't develop a close attachment and a bond with your baby right from birth, and you don't, you know, nurture that relationship through their early years, then you're not going to have much of a relationship by the time your child reaches the bratty age. You're going to have no, really no control or power with your child, and they're going to end up being one of those brats.
O'BRIEN: Let's get a question from Andy Serwer, our business guy.
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ANDY SERWER, CNN CORRESPONDENT: My name Andy and I've got two girls, 12 and eight. I'm in my 20s. Not really. And I've got a question for the panel, and that is how do you teach your kids how to handle money? You know, allowances, chores, responsibilities. I'm kind of stuck on that. So any advice there would be great.
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BORBA: Number one is start early!
O'BRIEN: Really. So when? When should they get an allowance? BORBA: I love even the little one getting a piggy bank that's nothing more than a baby food jar and just start saving. The key in life is, don't do the impulse buying, because this is a now generation of kids -- is I want it this minute. You can also set up a rule in your home. Think about what you want, and you have to wait at least 24 hours in order to make the purchase. So it isn't this impulse thing. Otherwise you're going to be giving your kid an allowance by the age of 45. We've a lot of kids who don't have that ability. You know, you don't want to do that.
ROBERTS: You know, I got to say, too, that it's just Andy to take the day off but, you know, still try to take advantage of the program or the question. And he's not the only one, either -- although she's working today. Our font operator here at American morning, Jill, has got a question for you. She says, "I've got a 3 1/2-year-old son who over the last six months will not go to sleep. He's still awake at 10:30 at night. We've tried closing him in his room, letting him sleep in our room. It makes no difference. He's still not going to sleep. I need help."
SEARS: Sounds like my first child. We spent hours every night trying to get him to go to sleep around 8:00 or 9:00. And we were losing our whole evening anyway trying to do that. So we finally gave in, just let him stay up with us, let him roam around the house with us, you know. Played with him. We got down time, because this was his time to just have fun and play. And then when we went to bed at 11:00 or midnight, he went to bed with us.
O'BRIEN: But Jill has a similar problem that we have, which is, Jill gets up really, really early to be on this show, and I have the -- I know that Jill and I have the same thing, which is 8:00 p.m., you're saying, I need everybody in bed right now because mommy needs to go to sleep.
SEARS: We had the luxury that, you know, I get up early, of course. But my wife would sleep in until 9:00 or 10:00 with our first kid and we were able to do that. But you're right. Not all parents are.
ROBERTS: So you didn't subscribe to the little bit of rum and the goodnight drink thing?
BORBA: There's one word in that e-mail that's the telling one. We tried. The key is, consistency. Whatever you're going to do, keep doing the same thing because kids figure out what works and what doesn't. And you got keep moving with it.
ROBERTS: You know, the only thing I would have liked to have known from Jill is, is the child just awake or is the child afraid to go to sleep or -- because sometimes there are other ancillary issues.
O'BRIEN: My daughter did the same thing at three.
SEARS: He's just awake. Apparently, he's just awake.
O'BRIEN: Yes, my daughter did the same thing. She came and visited and she would hang out. She just -- you know what. I got to tell you, we ended up locking her in her room. And she cried for a little bit and I felt so awful about it, but, you know what...
BORBA: Ear plugs are good at that point.
O'BRIEN: Three days and...
ROBERTS: Why don't you just lock her in the basement, Soledad?
O'BRIEN: Well, you know, not in the basement. Locked in her bedroom. It's a nice bedroom. She did fine.
ROBERTS: You also live in apartment and you don't have a basement.
O'BRIEN: Three days later -- that, too. Three days later, it wasn't a problem. But I got to tell you, I felt horrible every minute of it, but it broke her of the habit.
SEARS: You know, a kid is four or five and they start preschool or kindergarten, getting up early for that, you can bet they're going to start being tired, you know, come evening time, especially if you give them an active day. Run around outside for an hour every evening and they're probably going crash, you know, after dinner time.
O'BRIEN: Yes, they're not -- maybe, Jill, you need to work them out more. Let them run.
O'BRIEN: OK, we got a phone call here from Kearney, Nebraska. Carol, 45 years old. Good morning. How are you?
CAROL, NEBRASKA (via telephone): Well, I'm exhausted as a mom. I'm glad you're all there! I have a 9-year-old boy and a 4-year-old boy. And I tell you, my 4-year-old is the aggressive one and he will just -- when they play together nicely, it's incredible. They love each other to pieces. But when they're mad at each other, my 4-year- old will just hit, hit, hit, hit and then my 9-year-old will you know, get angry. And it's the anger, too that I see coming through from him that just breaks my heart.
O'BRIEN: So as you were saying earlier, Bob, you let them tussle for a little bit, but this is obviously going beyond the limits, the acceptable limits.
SEARS: Right.
BORBA: One of the big things that we do wrong as parents is we assume that the child knows how to handle the anger or what to do. At this point, if want to get rid one behavior, mom, you have to teach a replacer behavior. Which means, if you see him hitting, then that child needs to learn, obviously, words. But the key is, we assume he knows the words. Sit down, rehearse with them, here's what to do differently. Immediately when they do it, that's the point to rewind it, which means, let's try it again, but this time what's -- we're going to do instead. You may want to wait until there's a calm-down moment, but it's a critical thing. ROBERTS: So it's basically, hold it, stop. Let's rewind this scene and start all over again?
(CROSSTALK)
BORBA: Yes, because otherwise they will continue to repeat the same behavior over and over again.
O'BRIEN: We got a final question by phone that I want to try to squeeze in. It's from Elizabeth. She's 34 and she's from Sheridan in Arkansas. Hey, Elizabeth, what's your question for our experts?
ELIZABETH, ARKANSAS (via telephone): Yes, sir -- yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.
O'BRIEN: That's all right.
ELIZABETH: I have an 10-year-old female daughter that's soon to be 11, perfect G.T. student, perfect behavior, gorgeous child. I've got a 6-year-old boy who's soon to be seven and finishing the first grade, makes 100s or 90s on everything in school, will not behave at school. They have -- I'm also a schoolteacher. And, of course, the topic ADHD or ADD came up. We had him tested.
O'BRIEN: I think she's spelling out a problem that a lot of parents have, which is how do you control a child who's clearly bright, clearly could do the work, but the behavior is an issue? I think it's a big problem with boys especially?
BORBA: Yes. Because very often, frankly, our boys' classrooms are not necessarily boy-friendly. The first thing is go back to that teacher immediately. Figure out, is the kid able to do the work? Don't overlook that one. Second of all is when is the behavior happening? Is it a particular subject? And then you'll be able to at least get the pattern of where it's happening.
ROBERTS: So talk to the teachers?
BORBA: Talk to the teacher before that class gets out.
O'BRIEN: Michele Borba and Dr. Bob Sears, thank you so much. I feel like all my problems have been solved this morning. Really appreciate it. Thank you.
Be sure to be with us tomorrow. We're going to spend an hour exploring specific medical issues and how you should to deal with them at 30 and 40 and 50. Expert advice on cancer prevention, men's and women's sexuality and alcohol and the body.
Short break. We're back in just a moment.
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