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Marriage Meltdown

Aired February 10, 2007 - 22:00   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

RICK SANCHEZ, CNN ANCHOR: I'm Rick Sanchez. In just a moment, our CNN NEWSROOM special, "Marriage Meltdown."
But first, we'll try and get you caught up on some of the top stories that we've been following for you throughout the day.

That's Russian President Vladimir Putin. And if you can't understand him, trust me, it's nothing good about the United States. At a security conference in Germany, Putin blamed the U.S. for making the world more insecure. It's being called the most aggressive Russian speech since the Cold War.

There is a new man in charge in Iraq. The Army's newest four star general, David Petraeus, not in command of all coalition forces in the war zone. It's the general's third tour of combat duty in Iraq. His message to the troops Saturday, this mission is doable.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. BARACK OBAMA: Thank you.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: Senator Barack Obama wants to be president of the United States. It's official. The Illinois first-termer threw his hat into the crowded ring today in front of a friendly home turf crowd in Springfield, Illinois.

And did we say crowded? Yes, we did. Senators, congressmen, former mayors, former governors, more than you can count on two hands. That's right. They've all declared themselves right for the White House. They expect many more. There are a lot of exploratory committees burning the midnight oil, in fact, as we speak.

Look at that. Rule number one if you're in a police stand-off, watch out for the roadblock. That's right. A Kentucky jury watched this amazing video as part of the case against the man who held police at bay for four days, then sent the young man but heavily armed robot controlled cop after him. It was a robot. The man surrendered and was finally convicted of attempted murder.

Oh, where's the baby? And who's the daddy? And who will get custody? And what about the estate? So many questions in the wake of Anna Nicole Smith's death. Most of them surrounding the whereabouts and the fate of her infant daughter. No shortage of news crews down in the Bahamas, by the way. They're following anybody remotely related to this case. (BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: 1:00 in the morning and your husband's not home. And he's never done that before.

SANCHEZ: Emotions run high when your relationship hits a low.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: One drink led to, you know, many drinks.

SANCHEZ: Others give your ego a boost, but the bubble's about to burst.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Love is not like a pie. If I take a slice out, there's less for her.

SANCHEZ: Opening your mind, your heart, and your bed to others.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Sometimes you got to say you're sorry even when you're not.

SANCHEZ: We're bringing it out into the open. What's behind closed doors.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: This coming Wednesday, 230,000 couples will get engaged and more than 6,000 are going to get married. Valentine's Day got us thinking about the state of marriage in America. So we looked at the numbers on marriage, divorce, and infidelity. And what we found is not pretty.

So tonight, we offer up this special report -- marriage meltdown. And we begin it with two very courageous people, who share every detail of an affair that tore them apart.

This hour, they take us through the trauma, the clues, and the ultimate outcome of their relationship. It's really an anatomy of an affair, chapter one. Ready? The meltdown.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

SCOTT TOZER, HAD AFFAIR: Immediately her gorgeous red hair caught my eye. And you know, she is a very, you know, beautiful woman.

SANCHEZ: Scott felt attraction for his soon-to-be wife Colleen right from the start.

TOZER: Once I started to get to know her, there was also a real emotional and, I guess, mental attraction.

SANCHEZ: They met as young Christian missionaries in training. So eager to tie the knot, they eloped and were married in their early 20s. Through the years, Colleen never pictured her life without Scott. COLLEEN TOZER, HUSBAND CHEATED: He was my rock that I clung to, you know. I mean, he was my solid rock of Gibraltar. I mean, and at that time we had been married 17 years. And you know, and I just -- you know, I just counted on him so much.

SANCHEZ: They ended up having eight children together. Both agreed it was enough.

S. TOZER: We went from, you know, I guess, lovers, married, parents, you know, in less than a year.

SANCHEZ: The couple stuck together through layoffs, the loss of their house, and Scott's 12-hour work days as an air conditioning repairman.

S. TOZER: Hold on for a second. Let me get my tape measure.

SANCHEZ: But Colleen says the hardships just drew them closer. But 13 years into their marriage, Scott says the stress began to take a toll on him. He started fantasizing about a carefree life without responsibility. Then adding further stress to their marriage, on Colleen's 39th birthday, her mother died. Scott says she began to withdraw.

S. TOZER: I took it more of, you know, she didn't like me, you know, anymore because she wasn't as bubbly and as energetic, because my wife was exhausted, you know. I mean, you know, she was going through a hard time. I mean, that was really having an emotional effect on her that I didn't realize. And so I took it as a rejection.

SANCHEZ: Scott says this planted a seed that would lead to the biggest mistake of his life. After a failed attempt at marriage counseling, he turned to a woman at his job for help.

C. TOZER: And it just was very shocking, what eventually transpired.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ: And wait until you see what happens next. The disturbing clues, the ones that Colleen doesn't want to believe.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

C. TOZER: She was saying, are you OK? Are you okay? Hang in there. And I'm like, I'm standing right next to him and I'm saying, who is that?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: That's in chapter two as these courageous people tell us their story and share it with you, really the whole country.

By the way, this is a good time for you to call us. Tonight's question, what is your secret to a lasting relationship? You can call us at 1-800-807-2620. That's 1-800-807-2620. We'd like to hear the good news on this. And we'd love share it. And we'll air some of your responses later in this hour.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It gets complicated.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What I often say is if you want to keep it sweet and simple, stay monogamous.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: Whoa! As we roll along, they call their relationship polyamorous. It means, among other things, they're with other people, other couples. Sounds weird? Not to them. How does it work? How do they stay married while they're doing this? They're going to show us in their own words. And also...

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

KEVIN BACON, ACTOR: Never take advice from a movie star on how to keep your marriage together.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: You can say that again. We hear all about the celebrity breakups. Has Hollywood lost its script for any possibility of happy marriages?

And would you marry your spouse all over again? Those diamond ads that you won't always answer yes. But our new poll has some surprising numbers that don't necessarily reflect that. We're going to share it with you. Plus, a whole bevy of numbers and more stories. You're watching the CNN NEWSROOM.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

SANCHEZ: And you can decide with us. Welcome back to the CNN NEWSROOM. I'm Rick Sanchez.

Tonight, we're talking about the marriage meltdown and how to keep your marriage from doing just that -- melting down. Hundreds of thousands of people get married on Valentine's Day, did you know, but do they know how to keep their love alive even in the face of adultery? We went all the way to California for this story, the anatomy of an affair. This is chapter two, the clues.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ (voice-over): Colleen and Scott were looking back on 18 years of marriage when things started to suddenly began to fall apart. Scott started to confide in a woman he worked with, a woman he describes as homely, someone he could safely talk to without the risk of straying.

S. TOZER: I had seen her. I'd fix her air conditioning. And she was grateful and everything like that. And I wasn't even really attracted to her when I told this other woman, oh, yes, she's really in depression. Oh, you've got to get away from her. She's just going to bring you down.

Basically, it started out with lunches. And then, after a while, she invited me to have an after work drink. And so, you know, we had a drink. One drink led to, you know, many drinks.

SANCHEZ: Colleen's first clue her husband was cheating on her was when he wanted to go to a party on a Friday night. And she wasn't invited. Scott went to the party and never came home the next night.

C. TOZER: You know, 1:00 in the morning and your husband's not home, and he's never done that before, it's like, you know, at first I was angry. And then I was thinking, well, what if he was in an accident? And I got all worried and called the highway patrol. It was just crazy. It was a crazy night.

SANCHEZ: Upset and hurt, Colleen throws his clothes out onto the front lawn. Scott shows up in the morning and angrily denies everything.

S. TOZER: Because I was so guilty knowing that I was having an affair. And she was -- she had always been trusting of me.

SANCHEZ: Colleen believed the lies over and over again. And then there was the suspicious call on Father's Day. With family gathered in the kitchen, Colleen overhears a woman's voice.

C. TOZER: She was saying, are you OK? Are you OK? Hang in there. And I'm like, I'm standing right next to him and I'm saying who is that?

SANCHEZ: Even then, Colleen wanted to trust, believing Scott's lie. It was only a dispatcher calling from a job he would say.

And it got worse. A trip to Las Vegas. A trip Scott said he was taking with his buddies. One sleepless night while he was gone, she found a $600 cell phone bill. And one number appeared dozens of times. So she called it.

Colleen did not know it at the time, but it was the other woman. The woman, of course, fed her a line of bull that Colleen's husband was working on a contract job for her.

C. TOZER: I wanted to believe it. You know, I wanted to believe that my husband wasn't involved in an affair. I wanted to believe what this woman said was true.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ: So many people want to believe, but they're often left out. So tonight we not only want to know what's going on inside a marriage, we also want to know what's going on on the outside.

And we have a special panel to try to help us put that together. Let's go first to Vancouver, Canada. That's with Ann Bercht. She's director of Beyond Affairs Network. She's going to be joining us to talk about this. In San Francisco, we have clinical psychologist Deborah Anapol. She's the author of the, boy, I love this word, "Polyamory, the New Love Without Limits. And in Dallas, Texas, Sheron Patterson, relationship expert and author of "Put on Your Crown."

Ladies, I think you for being with us. Would anyone like to have at it in terms of what you've seen so far just with this relationship, what we all need to learn from it, and who's doing what wrong here? Any one of you?

SHERON PATTERSON, AUTHOR, RELATIONSHIP COACH: Let me -- I would love to jump in first if I could, Rick.

SANCHEZ: Please.

PATTERSON: OK. This couple, they show the world what's going on with marriage today. Marriage is hard work. And my fear is that people are rushing toward marriage for all the wrong reasons, for family pressure, for biological clocks, to look good, to fit in. And they don't realize one they get in -- all the hard work required, communication, collaboration all the time.

SANCHEZ: Let's stop you there. Communication, how big an effect in this is that? Ladies?

DEBORAH ANAPOL, POLYAMORY SPECIALIST: Well, you know, the problem that most people are facing is that humans are not naturally monogamous. And yet, we're supposed to pretend that we are.

And so polyamory is a way of giving people the option of telling the truth. Yes, I have another attraction. Yes, I find someone else interesting. That doesn't mean you don't have to act on it, but the communication is so important, otherwise you're living a lie. And your whole relationship is based on a lie.

SANCHEZ: So what do you need to do to make sure you know what's in your husband or your wife's head before they start to stray? What are the clues?

ANNE BERCHT, DIR., BEYOND AFFAIRS NETWORK: I think one of the things that people need to be aware of is that all marriages are vulnerable to affairs. And we can't think that because we have things going good, that it can't happen to us.

One of the important things couples can do is develop a complete commitment to openness and honesty in their lives. An affair can only take place when there's deceptions and lies in a relationship.

If we stay away from deception and lies, and we learn to be honest with each other, even about difficult things, even about attractions to the opposite sex, an affair can't take place.

SANCHEZ: But aren't there some things you really do need to keep to yourself? I mean, we get married, but that doesn't mean we lose ourselves, right? There's a certain amount of privacy we still keep even in a marriage? PATTERSON: Within a marriage.

SANCHEZ: Go ahead.

BERCHT: Absolutely. We don't lose ourselves within the marriage. We can keep that. But at the same time, we need to learn to develop a self-esteem and be complete and whole in ourselves so that when my husband comes to me and says, you know, it was strange at work today, I felt attracted to someone else, that I can come back and say, well, tell me about that. And let's talk about that. Am I not meeting your needs? Do we have some problems we need to look at in our relationship?

SANCHEZ: Is it easier for women to do that than for men?

PATTERSON: Yes, it is.

SANCHEZ: I mean, let's face it, it's usually a lot harder - Sheron, wouldn't you agree, it's a lot harder for a man to be able to come to terms with something like that?

PATTERSON: Yes. It is very hard. And it's very hard for men especially to go to counseling. And counseling is literally the key to all these problems with affairs and such.

When you bring in a neutral third party that can help you sort through the problem. But men especially are very reluctant to come to the table and request counseling. They feel like if you do that, you're airing your dirty laundry. They feel helpless. They feel impotent. But really, counseling is the key for many of these problems.

SANCHEZ: And at what point? And I guess we'll learn more about that as we continue talking to you. Sheron Patterson and Deborah Anapol and Anne Bercht, we're going to have you back in just a little bit and continue talking about this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

C. PATTERSON: He pulls away. And I grab the keys and jump in the other car and I follow him.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: Well, she feared the worst. And she was right. A husband goes astray. Part three of our look at the couple in the middle of an affair courageous enough to talk.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BACON: We put our relationship and our relationship to our children first. You know, first before fame and money and you know, success.

(END VIDEO CLIP) SANCHEZ: Mr. six degrees himself, actor Kevin Bacon, has managed to make it work. But why do Hollywood celebrities seem to struggle with marriage more than most? Some answers coming up.

Also, we want to hear from you. So what's your secret to a lasting relationship? You can call us at 1-800-807-2620. We are going to share some of your responses. That is coming up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

SANCHEZ: We are live. I'm Rick Sanchez. We welcome you back to our NEWSROOM special. It's "Marriage Meltdown."

A Woman's Day/AOL poll is out. And here's what it says. Most married women surveyed would apparently reconsider marrying their husband. In fact, 36 percent say they would not go down the aisle with their husbands if they had to do it all over again. 36 percent.

Literally reconsidering, 20 percent saying they're not sure. But what's going on here? We asked Wendy Jaffe. She's an AOL love coach, and the author of a book called "The Divorced Lawyer's Guide to Staying Married."

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ: Thirty-five percent say physical intimacy is what's missing - you know, kissing and handholding.

WENDY JAFFE, AOL "LOVE COACH": Right.

SANCHEZ: You know, how big is that?

JAFFE: That's really big. As a matter of fact, the thing that surprised me the most about writing this book is that many of the divorce lawyers I interviewed said that there are hundreds of thousands of couples absolutely not having sex at all. People who are married for 5, 10, 20 years and really have no sex life.

But the surprising thing is that half of the couples think that's fine. Half of the couples think that's not a problem. And that really is a problem obviously in marriages today.

SANCHEZ: Who's at fault? Is it the man or the woman?

JAFFE: You know, it's interesting. It's really both.

SANCHEZ: Don't be biased now.

JAFFE: Yes. It's really both. As a matter of fact, in the old days, it was always the man who was the cheater, right?

SANCHEZ: Right.

JAFFE: But the divorce lawyers I interviewed said it's really half and half. That half the women are cheating, half the men are cheating. And they really blame the Internet for how much these affairs are increasing.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ: Ah, the Internet, our culprit. There's much more on why women don't want a marriage to do over in this month's edition of "Women's Day" magazine.

Now Rodney Dangerfield once said my wife and I were happy for 20 years, and then we met, which brings us to love Hollywood style. It's true. Tinseltown romances have had more than their share of drama.

But as CNN's Brooke Anderson shows us, there's still room there, even there, I should say, for some happy endings.

(BEGIN VIDEOATPE)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It seems right now all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you.

BROOKE ANDERSON, CNN CORRESPONDENT (voice-over): It happens all the time in the movies. True love played out on the big screen, like in this scene between Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep in 1995's "The Bridges of Madison County."

So why does it seem in Los Angeles County, home to many of Hollywood's biggest stars, love and marriage often do not end happily ever after?

COOPER LAWRENCE, PSYCHOLOGIST/RADIO HOST: Anybody who gets any kind of fame or notoriety very quickly, it gives them a certain sense of entitlement. It changes who they are. So once you get into a marriage and you have to start compromising, well, my life isn't about compromise. I don't have to compromise any other aspect of my life. And you should understand that.

ANDERSON: Overly pampered lifestyles and often challenging career demands could be to blame.

LAWRENCE: Reese and Ryan are two kids who got married very young. And whereas the rest of us developmentally, we would continue together and grow together, their -- her career specifically took on such another life of its own.

RYAN PHILIPPE, ACTOR: There are so many different factors that go in. And 50 percent of people in the country have found themselves in that situation, who have been married once.

ANDERSON: Despite the very public celebrity splits, many marriages in Hollywood can and often do overcome the glitz and glamour.

LAWRENCE: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are a good example. Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedwick. And Tom hanks and his wife, Rita Wilson, they've been together a really long time. So there can be very happy marriages in Hollywood. ANDERSON: Eastwood's second trip down the aisle has lasted for 10 years. While Streep has been happily hitched since 1978. For many A list couples, it's all about finding that delicate balance between work and family.

LAWRENCE: Helen Mirren is almost a visionary when it comes to marriage, especially in Hollywood, because it's the idea that you have to be individuals. You've to allow the other person to create and be who they are.

HELEN MIRREN, ACTRESS: We allow each other the freedom to work. And that, I think, is the greatest gift a husband can give a wife and a wife can give a husband, and especially when they're both artists.

JADA PINKETT SMITH, ACTRESS: Let us show you.

LAWRENCE: I get the impression from Will and Jada that they probably laugh like crazy. And I think it's the celebrities that can put the marriage first and realize that life is about who you've loved and who's loved you back. That's where the priority should be. And those are the couples that tend to make it.

ANDERSON: That's the secret behind Kevin Bacon and wife Kyra Sedgwick's 18 year union.

KEVIN BACON, ACTOR: We put our relationship and our relationship to our children first. And we put it, you know, first before fame and money and you know, success and whatever else.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON, ACTOR: You have to communicate to talk. And sometimes you got to say you're sorry even when you're not.

ANDERSON: But in the end, even Cupid must confess.

BACON: Never take advice from a movie star on how to keep your marriage together.

ANDERSON: Brooke Anderson, CNN, Hollywood.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ: There you go. Some good advice. You could say, by the way, Hollywood's a lot like the rest of us. Some marriages work, some don't. We asked you earlier, by the way, what is your secret to a lasting relationship? And here, already, some of your responses.

CALLER: My name is Sheila and I'm calling from Los Alamos, New Mexico. And the key to a lasting relationship is communication and honesty.

CALLER: Hi, my name is Andrea. I'm calling from Columbus, Ohio. The key, I believe, to a lasting relationship is total honesty and a sense between your partner and yourself not to take each other or yourselves too seriously.

CALLER: Hey, it's Wayne from Baltimore. I think the important thing is understanding what you have in common and growing together and understanding the differences in each other.

CALLER: Gaby, Florida. Married seven years. And the key is to choose your battles carefully.

CALLER: I'm (INAUDIBLE). I live in New Jersey. And I think it is religion that keeps us together. To know that God would want us to be together.

CALLER: Muriel, I'm from New York. And I don't think there are any secrets to a healthy relationship. I think that the majority of marriages fall apart. Mine did after 21 years of trying to do it. I would never do it again.

SANCHEZ: Wow. We just started the newscast and already we have all these people calling. We're going to have more of them, by the way, in about 30 minutes.

Also, a bit bitter on the last one? Well, maybe.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

C. TOZER: I hear this woman on his Nextel, you know, just screaming at me, saying you bitch, you bitch. And it's like - and I'm going, Scott, who is that?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: Bitterness. We'll show you bitterness in hindsight. The clues seem pretty obvious, but a wife faces the grim reality in this case as you're about to see when we revisit the couple facing up to their affair with the whole nation. Plus...

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I remember saying, Darryl, I know you. You are going to fall in love with other women. It's the way you are. I am probably going to be in love with other men.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: There you go. A marriage that includes other partners by design. A couple that insists the polyamorous life works for them.

I'm Rick Sanchez. More of this in the CNN NEWSROOM.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

SANCHEZ: Welcome back to the CNN NEWSROOM. I'm Rick Sanchez. Here we are.

Something else shocking. A third of American women surveyed have suspected that their husbands have been unfaithful. So says a recent poll by America Online. Colleen Tozer found out the hard way.

Now we've been following the details of her husband's affair all evening long. After the clues and the denials, she saw finally with her own eyes. We call this chapter 3 -- busted.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ (voice-over): Colleen could no longer ignore all the warning signs that her husband was having an affair.

C. TOZER: One night when we were in bed, he got a phone call in the middle of the night. And he gets up and starts leaving. And I said where are you going? And he goes, oh, I have to check on this job. And I go, in the middle of the night?

SANCHEZ: She grabbed her keys and followed him, pulling up alongside him on the road.

TOZER: And then I hear this woman on his Nextel, you know, just screaming at me saying you bitch, you bitch. And it's like - and I'm going, Scott, who is that? You know? And I said, Scott, I'm not letting you leave unless you tell me what is going on.

SANCHEZ: Scott would finally tell her the truth. It was someone else, but he said they hadn't had sex yet. Another lie.

C. TOZER: And I said, so do you like her more than me? And he sat there and he goes, yes, I like her more than you. And you know, then I really lost it. I said, OK. I can't be married to you then, you know, because I can't - you know, that was it as far as I was concerned. That was it.

SANCHEZ: The next day at lunch, Scott would ask her for a divorce. He called a family meeting by poolside to tell the kids. The older ones wept in shock.

C. TOZER: They just fell apart, you know, because they have always seen us so close. And they were always so happy. And they had seen so many of their friends' parents get divorced. And they never thought anything like that would happen to their family.

SANCHEZ: Colleen would finally learn the whole truth when she came face-to-face with the other woman.

C. TOZER: I went to his work because, you know, I was just curious. I just said, you know, I'm just going to sit in the parking lot and I'm just going to watch.

SANCHEZ: Finally, Colleen was forced to confront the truth. She saw her husband lean into a car and kiss a woman. She drove up and confronted them both.

C. TOZER: My husband and I have, we have eight children and we've been married for 18 years. And she sat in her car kind of taunting me and smiling and saying, so? What are you going to do? You know, and I said, I want you to stay away from my husband.

S. TOZER: It was like two worlds colliding, you know. Here my wife was. And then here this other woman was. And that was a huge wake-up call for me. (END VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ: Amazing two average people sharing their stories with the rest of us. Courageous, aren't they? So who is Scott going to choose and what's Colleen going to decide?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

C. TOZER: My husband was living a double life because he had me and his family and he was very happy with us. And then he also had her.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: Up next, the final chapter of Colleen Tozier's story. What happened after her husband's affair?

And in relationships, you're either monogamous or you are not. But some couples say there is another way. They call it polyamorous. We're going to explain how that works later in the show.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

SANCHEZ: Rick Sanchez here in the CNN NEWSROOM. Numbers are scary, aren't they? Many Americans are choosing to stay single these days, leading to the biggest demographic shift that we've seen in years.

Now that said, thousands of people are going to get engaged this coming Wednesday. Thousands more will get married as well on Valentine's Day.

So why are marriages melting down to begin with? We've been focusing on one stormy relationship that we found out West.

Now the final chapter in the story of Colleen and Scott Tozier, how it turns out after sharing all the details of Scott's affair. Did they finally manage to overcome the pain and stay together or not?

Chapter 4 -- what's next?

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ (voice-over): Scott had to make a choice -- the other woman or his wife of 18 years.

S. TOZER: I've got to get out of this thing. And in some ways, I really felt trapped. You know, it went from anger to feeling trapped. And it's like, how do I get out? You know, and it was my best friend who got me out.

C. TOZER: That best friend, believe it or not, was Scott's own wife.

How are you doing?

SANCHEZ: The family remained together.

C. TOZER: I know. That's on five right there.

SANCHEZ: Despite all Colleen went through, she never left her husband during the entire affair. And Scott was grateful.

S. TOZER: I'll pour the milk. It wasn't until seeing her kindness and her tenderness and wanting to work things out even after she found out about the affair, that it's like, started to wear me down. It's like, whoa.

SANCHEZ: Now nearly three years after the affair, Colleen says she's forgiven her husband.

C. TOZER: I'm just as vulnerable to an affair as he is, you know. It happened to him instead of to me. It hurts less now than it did at first. You know, I'm not to the point where I can say, oh, that doesn't bother me at all, but I'm confident that I will get to that point.

SANCHEZ: You might be asking why would a family share the private details of their affair on national television, no less? They say it's all to help others avoid their mistakes.

C. TOZER: Most men and women, you know, don't intend to go out and cheat on their spouse. They start sharing things about their marriage with somebody of the opposite sex. And that -- that's a big warning sign.

S. TOZER: Look at this.

SANCHEZ: Scott's learned to communicate his feelings, to not take his spouse's emotional ups and downs so personally. He no longer looks for ego boosts outside his marriage. And he's telling all.

C. TOZER: When somebody comes up and he feels like this person might be flirting with him or trying to get his attention...

S. TOZER: Danger.

C. TOZER: He tells me. And he says, you know, there's this lady. And you know, and this kind of seems weird to me how she's talking to me and she wants, you know, to know things about my family. And it just seems like it's a little more than just casual stuff. You know, and then we can talk. And everything is out in the open and there's no secret.

C. TOZER: And that's what an affair really is, is a secret.

S. TOZER: Correct.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

SANCHEZ: By the way, Colleen now helps to run a support group for betrayed spouses. Let's bring our panel back in and let's start with you, if we can, Anne. Some people make it through something like this. Some people don't. Some people actually choose divorce. How do you know when it's too far gone to be able to save it?

BERCHT: Well, that's an individual decision that they have to make within themselves. It's a choice, but it's never too far gone if both people want to work on it. But you need to seek outside support and help to get through it and the resources that are available.

And that's why the Beyond Affairs Network providing support to betrayed spouses where you can talk to other people going through the same thing is just such an invaluable part of any couple's individual journey.

SANCHEZ: Speaking of invaluable, you heard what he just was saying to her there at the end. And I found that somewhat curious. He was essentially telling his wife that somebody at work was kind of hitting on him, wasn't he? That's a very personal thing to share. You recommend, Sheron, that they should do that?

PATTERSON: I think it's very helpful to be open and honest like that. But Rick, for me, the whole thing with Scott and Colleen shows that marriage needs to be overhauled. It needs to be changed from the way it was because she was the classic victim for so long because she didn't have power in the relationship.

That man had energy to go out and have an affair while she had eight kids at home. If he had been there helping her with the housework and the childcare, he wouldn't have had time.

SANCHEZ: Is there any question that you think we should be asking, Deborah, at the outset of a relationship about maybe establishing some rules, maybe asking questions of your partner to make sure you don't end up bored with them down the line?

ANAPOL: Well, I think a lot of people just make the assumption that there's no choice. If they want to be married, they have to sign up for monogamy.

Whereas for some people, not everybody, but some people, their relationship actually might grow and be more exciting and fulfilling if they included other partners in the relationship.

SANCHEZ: But you're not saying they should be looking in that direction, right?

ANAPOL: I'm not saying they should be looking, but if you talk to your partner at the beginning about is this a possibility for you...

SANCHEZ: And what if she says, no, it's not. And don't ever go there again, by the way?

ANAPOL: Well, if it's important to you to have that freedom, then that's not the right partner for you. And you're not the right partner for her. So -- just like people need to talk about whether to have children or how they want to handle money, it's important to talk about whether you would ever consider having other partners.

Interesting perspective, Deborah. We're going to be talking to you more about this in just a little bit. Ladies, we'll be back with you in just a little bit.

Loving more and loving it, you're about to meet a married couple with not one, not two, but many committed relationships outside their own. It's what Deborah was just referring to a minute ago when we speak of polyamorous relationships.

What is it? I never heard of it. Now I have. And you're going to hear about it, too, when we come back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

SANCHEZ: We knew that Valentine's Day was just around the corner. So tonight, we decided to do something different. We looked at some of the numbers when it comes to the state of matrimony in the United States. And what we found was it's essentially in a sad state.

So we decided to really dedicate a bunch of this newscast to this very topic. And what we found is information that we found surprising, terms we never heard before.

Most couples, for example, admit that they're attracted to other people even after they're married. Some choose to ignore that attraction, others cheat. Still others, like this couple, have come up with a different solution. They call it a polyamorous relationship.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

NANCY CASEY, PRACTICES POLYAMORY: You can get any more of these?

SANCHEZ (voice-over): Next month, Darryl and Nancy will celebrate nearly 38 years of marriage.

N. CASEY: To me marriage is a promise, a commitment of mutual support, sharing of love, joy and bliss, and definitely good times in bed.

SANCHEZ: The relationship started off as a typical love story. Darryl fell in love with a tall, thin, brainy girl in chemistry class. And they got married. But 12 years into their marriage, they began to explore, as Nancy puts it, the path less traveled.

N. CASEY: Darryl and I were both very, very curious as to what it would be like to be with other people.

SANCHEZ: So they made a decision, something most of society frowns upon. And they didn't reveal it to their friends and family for a long time. They decided to begin openly seeing others outside of their relationship, to become, in a word, polyamorous.

N. SANCHEZ: I remember saying, Darryl, I know you. You are going to fall in love with other women. That's the way you are. I am probably going to be in love with other men, although not as quickly as you do women, trust me. However, what I ask of you is it's an and not an or.

DARRELL CASEY, PRACTICES POLYAMORY: We had the idea that even then, that love is not like a pie that if I take a slice out there's less for her, that love is infinite. And so why not?

SANCHEZ: Over the next 20 years, the two began to meet, fall in love with, and have sex with other people, never letting go of their primary commitment to each other.

They developed long-term, committed relationships with six other couples. They call them their extended family.

D. CASEY: For the distant people, it's vacation time. We get to see them two weeks a year. I am going to be with her instead of Nancy for most of the week. We'll go places -- I'll hold her hand. We'll sit next to each other at the dinner table. You know, it's maximizing the connection, because we know we're going to then be separated for a few months.

SANCHEZ: Make no mistake, they have sex, but it's not just about sex.

N. CASEY: There are people that if I'm feeling sadness or pain, or -- I can share with them and they'll listen. And if they can help in some way, they will. And I don't have just one or two, I have maybe a dozen. And that's pretty remarkable.

SANCHEZ: During the interview, their dear ones, as they call them, drop by. Mark and Carol have been in their extended family nearly six years.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There are kisses.

SANCHEZ: And for those that say they're living in sin by having sex outside their marriage...

D. CASEY: What's wrong with loving somebody? What's wrong with being supportive of somebody just because you don't happen to be married to them and living with them all the time?

SANCHEZ: But Nancy admits their polyamorous setup is not for everyone.

N. CASEY: Until you're really, really good at having clear communication and in heart connection with one-on-one, don't even think about being open committed. Don't even consider it.

D. CASEY: It gets complicated.

N. CASEY: What I often say is if you want to keep it sweet and simple, stay monogamous.

(END VIDEOTAPE) SANCHEZ: Isn't that interesting? Sheron, I want to go to you first, because I know we all come from different perspectives on this. I'm interested to know what yours is.

PATTERSON: Rick, no way, no how. You know, I'm all for overhauling marriage, but it's still one man, one woman. It's hard enough to love one person, but a whole lot of them is out of the question.

Now if you want to date around and love around, remain single. But the polyamorous will destroy an already crisis-filled marriage situation as it is today.

SANCHEZ: All right, Deborah...

PATTERSON: One man, one woman.

SANCHEZ: Deborah, hold on. I know you want to talk and I'm going to get to you in a minute. But let me go first to Anne and see what her response is to this.

BERCHT: I definitely believe that polyamorous relationship is putting your relationship at high risk. I have a lot of clients, in fact two this last week, who have come to me who had agreed on a polyamorous relationship. And some years into it, they found that their spouse has fallen in love with one of their partners and is seeking out of the relationship.

But the thing that I'm even more concerned about than polyamory is the couples who profess to be monogamous, and yet are lying to and deceiving each other behind their backs. And that's where I say that openness and honesty is the most important ingredient in a marriage.

SANCHEZ: Deborah, go ahead. Make your pitch, but please don't take too much time doing it.

ANAPOL: OK, well, I want to point out that when monogamous marriages run into trouble, we don't say, oh, there's something wrong with monogamy. It's no good. And yet if a polyamorous couple has an issue, we say polyamorous doesn't work.

SANCHEZ: But you'll admit that there's a high risk that when you do something like this, the person you're with might find that other person more interesting or fun to be with than you.

ANAPOL: There's a high risk being in a relationship these days, but if your partner is someone who loves you so unconditionally that they support you to do whatever makes you happy, I think you're more likely to want to stay with that person.

SANCHEZ: All right, let's get one piece of advice from all three of you. And I'll give you each about 10 or 15 seconds before we go. We're going to begin with you, Anne. The best advice that you can give to people who want to have a solid, committed relationship. Go.

BERCHT: Get a marriage education and know that it is possible to have a lifelong lasting monogamous and exciting relationship.

SANCHEZ: What's a marriage education, five seconds?

BERCHT: Well, take a marriage retreat. Go to an education course. There's lots of things available.

SANCHEZ: So don't go into it blind?

BERCHT: That's right.

SANCHEZ: All right. Deborah, you?

ANAPOL: Know that the source of love is inside yourself, not in your partner. And any hope you have of controlling your partner is useless. And that way you're prepared to keep loving no matter what happens.

SANCHEZ: Sheron to you. Close us out, if you would.

PATTERSON: Love yourself first. When you love yourself, you inoculate yourself from de-selfing, from settling. And then your partner will love who you are for who you really are in a relationship. Never settle. And always remember that self-love makes you radiate and it draws them to you.

SANCHEZ: Self-love. Like that. Sheron Patterson, Deborah Anapol, and Anne Bercht, we thank all three of you for being with us. And what's interesting is we got really different perspectives from all three of you throughout this newscast. We appreciate your time for being with us.

Well, for the past hour, we've really focused on the anatomy of marriage, how relationships change, men, fall apart, things that we all can really learn from time after time. Those involved say the situation was beyond their control, but what if there was a secret, a formula for the life that you've always wanted and it stood the test of time?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I couldn't believe all the people who knew this. They were the greatest people in history.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

SANCHEZ: It is called "The Secret." And it's a principle that's caught on with Oprah Winfrey. So much so, that she's now dedicating a whole lot to it. In fact, some of her shows are on it.

It's on our radar, too. So tomorrow night, we're going to be exploring it in depth. Rhonda Byrne, author of "The Secret" is going to be here. So will Jack Canfield. He's written all the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books. And that's tomorrow night, right here at 10:00 Eastern, right here in the NEWSROOM.

By the way, a special "Larry King Live" on Anna Nicole Smith's death is coming up next. And we're going to give you the latest news about her baby at the top of the hour.

But first, your responses to our last call question. And this to my wife, I'll be home soon. What's your secret to a healthy relationship? Here is what some of you had to say.

CALLER: Tom from Elizabeth, New Jersey. And a healthy relationship must be based on faith in God and one another.

CALLER: Hi, my name is Christian Swift. I'm calling from Arvana, Colorado. And I just want to suggest stop having children.

CALLER: Yes, my name is Jim. I'm calling from Virginia, been married 36 years. My secret, keep one eye closed.

CALLER: Derek, I'm calling from Champliss. I believe that it's the two c's -- compromise and communication.

CALLER: Jennifer, I'm calling from London, Ontario. And I think the key to a simple marriage is being best friends, respecting each other. It's really not that difficult. Keep each other laughing, listen to each other. Don't go to bed mad. And just be nice.

CALLER: The key to a lasting relationship is not giving into temptation. Everyone likes a good-looking person, but I feel giving in to that temptation is what kills most relationships.

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