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Kathy Griffin Takes on Joan Rivers; Levi & Kathy Kiss & Tell; Child Beauty Pageant Winners And Their Parents

Aired August 10, 2009 - 21:00   ET


KATHY GRIFFIN, GUEST HOST: Tonight, Joan Rivers smack down -- why did the QVC queen take me out at her roast?

I'll ask her about that and how she got so rich.

Then, Levi and me.

I'm just going to be looking in his beautiful, chocolate eyes all night and waiting for magic to happen.

That's right -- the father of Sarah Palin's grandson strolls the red carpet with his cougar -- rawwww -- me.


LEVI JOHNSTON: I don't really pay attention to other women, you know?


GRIFFIN: See, he only has eyes for me. We'll show you what happened when the cameras stopped rolling.


JOHNSTON: I've got your back.

GRIFFIN: Thank you.


GRIFFIN: Then, kids with crowns -- baby beauty contestants and their parents are here.

Should I be calling children's protective services?


Good evening.

I'm Kathy Griffin sitting in for Larry.

Can you believe it?

I know.

Anyway, Larry's on vacation.

Joining me tonight is comic, writer and entrepreneur, Joan Rivers. Her new show, "How'd You Get So Rich?," airs Wednesday nights on TV Land. She'll be appearing at the Venetian Ballroom in Las Vegas later this month and in early September. You've got to see her live, by the way. Her live shows are fantastic. That is where the fur really flies.

And Joan joys us -- joins us live from QVC, where I think there's a whole separate room where they just print her money.


GRIFFIN: I really do. They're in Pennsylvania.

Joan, how are you doing?

JOAN RIVERS, COMEDIAN: I'm so excited talking to you. It was so great last night on the roast for Comedy Central. If people don't you, you were the roast mistress and you were terrific.

GRIFFIN: Joan, you knocked it out of the park.

Now, first of all, let's take a quick look at some of the proceedings.


GRIFFIN: Our Joan started out in Brooklyn as little Joan Molinsky. You know, My Joanie, Jewish girls are supposed to grow up and marry doctors, not support them.


GRIFFIN: Joanal is not an Orthodox Jew, but men still (EXPLETIVE LANGUAGE) through a sheet so they don't have to look at that face.


RIVERS: And Kathy Griffith -- yes, my good friend.

You call yourself the biggest star?

Is that what you say when you come out here, the biggest star in this room tonight?

That's like calling yourself the thinnest girl in Kirstie Alley's house. I mean it's like...



GRIFFIN: Joan, do you have any idea how excited I am that you would refer to me as skinny? RIVERS: Oh, you're so thin. You look like you went to a reunion of "Schindler's List." I mean telling you, you are just thin, thin, thin.

GRIFFIN: That is -- that makes me emotional. It is so sweet.


GRIFFIN: And I just -- I have strived for that and starved myself just for this moment.

RIVERS: Well, yes. David Brenner, who likes women that walk out of Auschwitz, David Brenner would think you're hot.


RIVERS: That's how thin you are.

GRIFFIN: All right. That's it. I'm calling him. Although you probably heard, I'm in a romantic relationship with Levi Johnston.

RIVERS: I saw.

GRIFFIN: Maybe to make him jealous, we'll -- we'll call David Brenner.

Now, tell me what you felt watching the roast.

What did you like about it?

What didn't you like?

Give me the dish.

RIVERS: I was so nervous for everybody because, you know, you want everybody to be good, but not better than you're going to be, because I knew I was coming at the end. And every time somebody would do a joke, I'd say, damn, I can't do Danny Bonaduce, because they've just done it. Damn, I can't do a joke on -- on whatever.

And so I was nervous. I was -- and very excited at the same time. I thought it was wonderful.

GRIFFIN: All right, now, when we had dinner, at first you were telling me, in New York, you were saying oh, you didn't know what you wanted to do it.

Now, do you get now that in a really twisted way, it really is an honor?

RIVERS: No. I'm sorry. No.


RIVERS: I did it.

GRIFFIN: Who are you speaking to and who are you not speaking to?

RIVERS: I'm speaking to everybody, I think -- you especially. The only -- what I thought I was going to -- when I decided to slap you, I thought, oh my gosh, there goes that friendship. And, you know, I only have three friends left because they're either not talking to me or they're dead. And I was so scared that would kill my Christmas list this year.

GRIFFIN: OK, Joan, I have to tell you -- I forgot to tell you that night, I swear, my jaw buzzed for three days. You clocked me. It was like a ghetto girl fight.

RIVERS: I didn't -- I swear I didn't mean to. I swear.


RIVERS: But the next night we went to Cher's house and we made up.


RIVERS: That was...


RIVERS: How about that?

GRIFFIN: What about that moment?

Where the heck were the crews -- the camera crews then?

RIVERS: Can we just -- you called me up and you said let's have dinner. And then you called me and Kathy says, would you mind if Cher joins us?

And you go, I can't believe this. And we went to Cher's house and we sat around...

GRIFFIN: It was such a great moment. Well, although, you know, Cher doesn't live in a house, she lives in a compound.


GRIFFIN: There's a difference.

RIVERS: It's -- it's huge. And I...

GRIFFIN: It's huge.

RIVERS: ...I kept thinking, with all the plastic and all three of us, don't let her serve anything flambe. Please, God, we'll go up.


GRIFFIN: I think I got some implants on the way out and I didn't really feel it, some sort of (INAUDIBLE) lifting. RIVERS: She -- she's just great. I'm crazy about Cher.

GRIFFIN: Well, tell me about your -- your history, because the reason that -- I know you guys go back, but I love when you told me one time that Cher came up to you one time and said that she was angry when she wasn't in the act.

RIVERS: She's very smart, Cher. And I used to use her in the act and I had a cutout of her.

Remember, when she had the big horn thing?

And I would take it and throw her on the ground. And I would say, that's her favorite position. And I just did all these jokes art about her -- you know, she had an IUD with call waiting, this and that. I mean just on and on and on about Cher and what a slut and tramp she was.

And we -- and when I took her out of the act finally, she came backstage and she said to me, you took me out of the act. And she's so damned smart. She knew that...


RIVERS: ...people don't talk about you unless you're a big star. I adore her. I adore her.

GRIFFIN: Oh, amen to that, sister. Yes, she's -- she's really cool. And one of the first times I got to talk to her alone, I said, is that true, did you really say that to Joan?

And, you know, she said, yes, of course I want to be in the act.


GRIFFIN: And, by the way, on the way over there, you just threw these in your purse from your collection and I want to -- can I read you a text that I got from Cher?

RIVERS: Yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

GRIFFIN: OK. Here we go. "It was nice to see you and Joan. I have mad respect for her."


GRIFFIN: "Can you tell her I love my bracelet and want to buy 10 more? I'll pay."

RIVERS: I will send it to her. I won't make her pay -- well, maybe wholesale.

GRIFFIN: OK. That's very unusual for an A-lister to want to pay for anything.

RIVERS: Yes, but, you know, she's not Jewish so she doesn't have my feel about money. She's willing to pay. But, you know...

GRIFFIN: All right...

RIVERS: ...she was a wonderful mother. We -- I loved that Elijah Blue would stay at the house.


RIVERS: I just -- you know, because we go way back together. We go back when the children were really small. And that's a...

GRIFFIN: Tell me about, did you ever have an uncomfortable run- in with a celebrity that you put in the act and how do you handle it?

RIVERS: The only bad celebrity I've ever really ever had was -- was what's his name, Russell Crowe, who's just an SOB and stupid. And...


RIVERS: And that's the only bad one. He doesn't talk to me. I'm really upset.

And you know who else?

Kathy Bates got angry because I made a joke that if she had not been on the Titanic, in the movie, it would not have gone down. And...


RIVERS: She wouldn't talk to me...

GRIFFIN: Well, I...


GRIFFIN: But you know what, I have to say, that's a pretty good list. I mean, you know, when people say, oh, I've been kicked out of better bars than this?

Those are two pretty good bars to be kicked out of, actually.


Who does not speak to you anymore?

GRIFFIN: Whitney.

RIVERS: Whitney?


GRIFFIN: Whitney Houston. She gave me the cracky, shaky finger. It was not -- not happy with me. RIVERS: Well, I used to always say that I was scared -- she doesn't talk to me, either, because I had a joke I was scared I'd be cremated and ended up being snorted by Whitney Houston. And that would upset me because I would end up in Bobby Brown's ass. And that was my joke.


RIVERS: And I got a letter, but a shaky letter.

GRIFFIN: And the problem is what?

RIVERS: I'm sorry?

GRIFFIN: I mean what's the problem with that?

RIVERS: Do I know?


RIVERS: Do I know?

GRIFFIN: No. It's a perfectly innocent, harmless joke.

RIVERS: You know, they don't understand with comedians, and you're there to make a joke and make people laugh. And that's my -- that's my job.

GRIFFIN: I know. All right, hey, look, we're going to -- we're going to talk about money and we're going to talk about your show and how much money you have and how you spend it and a lot inappropriate things when we come back.

RIVERS: Wait, wait...

GRIFFIN: We'll be right back.

Stick around.

RIVERS: Jon and Kate, we have to discuss them, boohoo.

GRIFFIN: Yes, those (INAUDIBLE) bunch of -- yes, the whole gang.

RIVERS: Boo hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

GRIFFIN: Stop crying, you'll be OK.



GRIFFIN: Hi. It's me, Kathy Griffin, back.

And I am from Kathy Griffin, "My Life on The D-List," which is on tonight, by the way, the season finale, which is excellent.

And in addition, you should take a look at a clip from Joan Rivers' TV Land series "How'd You Get So Rich??"

Let's take a look.


RIVERS: How did you get so rich?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So I cleaned toilets and clean sinks. And you go inside into the more private and less pleasant areas.

RIVERS: I bet this is the (INAUDIBLE) Nicole Ritchie sees after every meal.

What's the most expensive thing you ever bought?

Keep going.

That is me before liposuction.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The number would be somewhere around 15 million pieces.

RIVERS: Fifteen million people want to look like (EXPLETIVE LANGUAGE)?

I've got an idea for a novelty. (INAUDIBLE) sex without the guy turning gay.



GRIFFIN: OK, Joan, this show is so fantastic.

Now, my first question is, why do you think people don't always want to talk about money?

How do you get them to just talk about it?

RIVERS: Oh, money, who doesn't want to discuss it, you know?

New money...

GRIFFIN: Fon, fon, fon, fon, fon (ph).

RIVERS: Oh, fon, fon, fon. Maybe they're talking about it and you just don't understand them.


RIVERS: You know, they're all fon, fon, fon, fon.


What are you saying? But new money -- I love new money. I love people that are still living in trailers but they're rich, like the limos on blocks you know.


RIVERS: But I got them all to talk. And the show is a (INAUDIBLE)...


What is your secret?

RIVERS: The secret is they know I'm a piece of new money. So we all feel compatible, if that makes sense. And people, Kathy, take -- you're new money.


RIVERS: New money is fun.

GRIFFIN: I'm brand spanking new money. And I love to show it off...


GRIFFIN: ...including my Joan Rivers jewelry and my fancy watch.

I'm going to mug myself just for this watch.

RIVERS: But you know what I'm saying, I love when people say, I'm having a good time. I've made it myself. I've come from nowhere. I've made it myself. I've come from nowhere, I've made it myself and I'm having fun. One man said to me, I've got Alan Greenspan on speed dial. Now, that's rich.

GRIFFIN: Oh, that -- that is money.

RIVERS: You know what...

GRIFFIN: That is money.

RIVERS: You know what rich is?


RIVERS: If Oprah ever calls you for a loan, you know you've made it.

Wouldn't that be great?

I don't know Oprah.

GRIFFIN: Well, if Oprah even just called me, I would just wet myself and then faint. I don't think it's going to happen.

But, Joan, I need your advice, because I've just completed my first book...


GRIFFIN: ...Kathy Griffin, official book club selection, coming out September 8th. Please preorder.

Now, I loved your book, "Enter Talking."

So tell me about the process of how did you decide of what to put in the book, who to offend, who to protect?

How did you decide?

RIVERS: OK. First of all, make a list of all the good looking dead actors and you can say you slept with them, because they're not going to come after you.


RIVERS: That's very important. But, seriously, I -- tell the truth. People are not stupid. Tell the truth. And you've got such a story. I told you at dinner, it's going to be a huge success. Either that or do...

GRIFFIN: Now, I did say in the book that I had relations with Barack Obama.

Good choice or bad choice?

RIVERS: Barack Obama, very good choice. Very good choice and still a little edgy so that's good.


RIVERS: People will look at you.

GRIFFIN: Now, are you...

RIVERS: I had relations with Michele.

GRIFFIN: ...are you making...

RIVERS: I just said that.

GRIFFIN: Why didn't I think of that?

RIVERS: Maybe it will make -- you know, maybe it go on like eBay or something and we can sell that piece off.

GRIFFIN: And we can sell the tape that we have of us swinging with the Obamas.

RIVERS: Yes, swinging with the Obamas.

GRIFFIN: And we're not saying that to get publicity for our shows at all. RIVERS: No. No. Well, you're up for another Emmy now, my darling angel.

GRIFFIN: Joan, I want to win that Emmy more than I -- I would trade in my mother for that Emmy.

Is that wrong?

RIVERS: No. Not -- no. She's old.


RIVERS: No. Let me ask you...


RIVERS: You have two, right?

GRIFFIN: But it's not enough, Joan. It's not enough. I'm like my Emmys are like my new money -- I can't have enough.

RIVERS: So where do you keep your Emmys?

GRIFFIN: Well, I sleep with them, so I do a lot of cuddling and spooning.


GRIFFIN: And every day I make sure they're real. And every so often I just prick myself with them to watch the blood.


GRIFFIN: Is that sick?


RIVERS: And isn't that great?

When I got my Emmy, as well as my Tony...

GRIFFIN: Tell me.

RIVERS: Um-hmm. Well, I don't want to push it. But it was that -- it was one of the happiest moments of my life because -- and I'm sure you felt this way. It's something they can't ever take away from you. That's it. They cannot say you're over.

GRIFFIN: Oh, absolutely. It -- and it's kind of unbelievable for a couple of gals like us that do our thing and tell our jokes and sometimes get in a little trouble.

And it's sort of an amazing moment, is it not?

RIVERS: Yes, it's great. I was so happy for you. And, you know, I'm happy for very few people. GRIFFIN: Oh, I'm bitter as can be. I don't like most people.


GRIFFIN: I think they're wrong and we're right.

RIVERS: That's why we're friends.


GRIFFIN: All right...

RIVERS: If I ever lost my middle finger, I would have nothing to say.

GRIFFIN: Well, mail it to me, I'll use it -- or vice versa. That can be like our -- our pact that we have together.

Now, I don't know about -- if you're -- I hope you're supportive of my new romantic relationship with Levi Johnston.

RIVERS: I saw. I -- see I don't like young guys. I -- I'm always scared I'll wake up and think, is this, you know, my date or did I give birth last night?

So I -- I like an old...


RIVERS: I like an old guy, if that makes sense.

GRIFFIN: Well -- well, please get ready for Levi Johnston, because he is getting ready for you.

Hi, Levi.

OK. So Levi is backstage with the toddlers and tiaras crowd.

RIVERS: How...

GRIFFIN: I mean this is -- they're primping, not Levi but I'm telling you, that is a green room that you're not going to see any place else.

And we are back in 60 seconds.

Stick around, Joan.



GRIFFIN: Joan Rivers was served up on a platter during her Comedy Central roast. And, boy, did we tear into her.

Here are just a few of the highlights. (BEGIN VIDEO CLIP, COURTESY COMEDY CENTRAL)

GRIFFIN: And now it's time to bring up the man of the hour, comedy legend, Joan Rivers.


RIVERS: I haven't had much sleep. I had a terrible, terrible nightmare last night that I was at my mother's funeral. The worst part was I was 75.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Joan's face has been lifted more times than Bristol Palin's prom dress.

Can we say that?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This isn't roast, it's an autopsy. Oh, my gosh, Joan Rivers passed away four years ago and nobody told her face.

RIVERS: You were my friend.

You know what you are, darling?

You are a thief. Yes. You stole my act, you stole my gaze and you stole the face of the Burger King. I am not happy with this.


GRIFFIN: Oh, I love it. Joan is going to turn the tables and put me in the hot seat, next.


RIVERS: This is Joan Rivers filling in for Kathy Griffin, who is filling in for Larry King, who is on vacation.

And hi, Kathy.

Great to have you on.

GRIFFIN: Hello, Joan.

How wonderful to see you.

RIVERS: How wonderful to see you.

Let me ask you, seriously, you know, gay men love strong women. They love you. They love me. They love Liza. They love Richard Simmons. I mean, it goes on and on and on.

Why do they love us so much?

What do you think... GRIFFIN: I think because, in a way, we're on the outside looking in like they are. You know, I kind of identify with gay people because they've got a struggle and an uphill battle and I feel like you and I have had that our whole careers.

RIVERS: Yes. OK. Because I -- could -- who found you first?

Did the gays find you first?

GRIFFIN: Oh, no. I -- I found the gays by mistake, which is that my first boyfriend, Tom, now has a boyfriend named David. So I don't know if...


GRIFFIN: ...the chicken or the egg, which came first?

Either I turned him gay or he was gay and I liked him because of it. But, yes, I -- and, also, you know that gay audiences are just so fantastic. I call them my unshockable gays because there's nothing you can say that's going to shock a gay audience. They've heard everything.

RIVERS: No. The only thing -- they will laugh at everything except Barbra Streisand. If you say anything, they get huh.


RIVERS: If you dare to say she's cross-eyed, my guys go what?


RIVERS: Because I have one joke in my act that she can cross the street without looking to the right or the left. And they just go huh.


RIVERS: It's the only joke.

GRIFFIN: That's because you're making fun of the holy messiah that is Barbra Streisand.

RIVERS: Yes. That is Barbra Streisand. OK.

GRIFFIN: I understand. It is an altar that we all serve at.

RIVERS: All right. Now, you and I go back a long time -- a long, long time.

What was the first thing -- because I -- there are so many things I want to ask you and people don't know, because they know you as smarty and funny and things.

Talk about the first time you knew you were wealthy, because I've got -- you know, how can you get so rich? So money is so much on my mind because of this show.

What was the first big purchase you made?

When did you know I'm going to be OK in this business?

GRIFFIN: Well, I bought a house year two of "Suddenly Susan." And I bought this house that was way too big for me. And Brooke Shields was making fun of me and everyone was saying what are you going to do with this big house?

And I remember saying, well, if I can afford it, I'm going to buy a house so big I could die in this house.


GRIFFIN: And they were saying what are you talking about?

And I said I bought a house big enough so that if I never worked again, I would be perfectly happy in that house the rest of my life...

RIVERS: And that's -- and you're still...

GRIFFIN: I know, it's boring. I wish I could say I bought -- I got a bunch of blow and some hookers. But it was just a house.

RIVERS: No, no, no, but are you -- are you happy in the house?

Or do you think you're going to go even bigger?

Because you know what happens, people get, you know, bigger and bigger and bigger and their houses get bigger and bigger and bigger.

GRIFFIN: I love it. I want more. I love working. I love getting stuff. The best feeling is to be able to take care of my mom. That's sort of the most important thing. But, in addition to that, I do love things. I'm materialistic and I find that things define me and make me happy and better.


Do you like fur?


GRIFFIN: I like -- I like things more than people. I like things and dogs, if I would have to pick. And then I would pick people third.

RIVERS: Yes. OK. Now, the other thing is, last night, you were out with a young, young, young man. But that...


RIVERS: What's your real life like, the real romance in your life? Because I hate...

GRIFFIN: The real romance...

RIVERS: Go ahead. Go ahead.

GRIFFIN: Well, you, of course, are always advising me to find an older, wealthy guy.

RIVERS: With a cough and a nurse.

GRIFFIN: That's right. With a nurse and -- although not a young, sexy nurse, right, because I don't want her mixing up my plan, either?

RIVERS: Yes. No. A bad cough, a nurse and...

GRIFFIN: A bad cough. Whooping cough, one might say, and a nurse.

RIVERS: And a nurse.

GRIFFIN: Now do I have to pay for the nurse, as well, because I mean then I'm spending money?

RIVERS: He's rich. He's rich.

GRIFFIN: OK. He pays for the nurse.

RIVERS: Why didn't you marry the rich guy?

GRIFFIN: Who, Steve Wozniak?


Why didn't you -- there was, my God, I mean you would have been set for life.

GRIFFIN: I know. I know. And there were a billion reasons to love him. But, you know, I guess the chemistry just wasn't there and this weird thing happened, which is that when we were seeing each other, he met someone else and married her in three weeks.

RIVERS: Yes, well, that hurts. I was going...

GRIFFIN: But that will happen sometimes in a relationship.

RIVERS: Yes. I was going out with a professor...


RIVERS: ...and while he was engaged to me, his wife became pregnant. So I went through heartbreak.

GRIFFIN: Well, of course. And the least he can do is, you know, pay her and the kid to go away and then come back to you and find true love and get a bigger house.

RIVERS: Do you think you'll get married or do you think you'll just live with someone now?

GRIFFIN: I probably won't get married again. Kind of been there, done that, type of a thing.

RIVERS: Right.

GRIFFIN: But, you know, like an idiot, I got a tattooed wedding ring and I'm freaking divorced. So, I don't know what I was thinking.

RIVERS: Oh, my God, you have a tattoo wedding ring?

GRIFFIN: Yes. I foolishly believed in love and I was wrong. It turns out, it's better to believe in work and money and success and material things.

RIVERS: Oh, my God. I was going to get a tattoo...

GRIFFIN: And children and animals.


GRIFFIN: It's all about the children and the animals.

RIVERS: I have a tattoo, but I'm Jewish, so it's a -- it's a recipe.


GRIFFIN: Is it right above your butt crack there, like all the young girls have?

RIVERS: Well, it used to be on my shoulder. But it's right on my buttocks now, unfortunately.

GRIFFIN: Well, we don't know where -- wherever it landed is fine with me.

All right, well...

RIVERS: If I ever want to make toast, I just look down.


GRIFFIN: All right, Joan.

RIVERS: I know. I know.

GRIFFIN: All right, Joan, we've already been far too inappropriate. We're both fired, just so you know. They told me in my earpiece we're both fired.

RIVERS: I love you.

GRIFFIN: But I love you. And thank you so much.

And my romantic lover, Levi Johnston and I, had one hot date last night. And I'm going to tell you guys all about it.

So, Joan, good-bye and next...

RIVERS: I'll speak to you.

GRIFFIN: ...get ready for my Levi.



It's me, Larry King Griffin.

It's me, Kathy Griffin.

I'm sitting in for Larry King.

Now, our next guest -- and I hate to even use the word guest -- but he was my date for the Teen Choice Awards. He's the father of Sarah Palin's first grandchild, Tripp. Here he is, my own Levi Johnston.

Levi, let's just kiss and tell, shall we?


GRIFFIN: What do you have there for me...


GRIFFIN: ...your loving me?

JOHNSTON: Last night I had a great time and, you know, you look very beautiful tonight so I thought I'd get you a little gift here.

GRIFFIN: Do you -- would you like to pin that right to my bosom?


GRIFFIN: Because there's my bosom.


GRIFFIN: Not like you haven't seen it, Tiger. Look, I'm exhausted. I'm just going to be honest. I woke up this morning in your arms spooning and just so confused about love -- what love is. And I realized I found it in your chocolate beautiful eyes.

How are you ever going to get over me, Levi?

JOHNSTON: I don't know. It's going to be tough.


GRIFFIN: All right. Can we please talk about my new life in Wasilla?

Tell me about our love igloo.

JOHNSTON: You know, it's going to be little colder there so I'm going to have to, you know, keep you a little bit warmer.

GRIFFIN: With your big strong man arms around me?


GRIFFIN: I'm not afraid of you.


GRIFFIN: Do you have any scars from last night?

JOHNSTON: I might have a few, yes.

GRIFFIN: OK. Because I have a bruise in a naughty place.


GRIFFIN: Now, I love these flowers. They're very beautiful. I'm sure that you got them yourself. Maybe you'd like to tell the audience what you requested on the way to the hotel. That we stop for some --


GRIFFIN: Levi, that's not in our future.

JOHNSTON: Well, it was a long day with you. You're a lot to take care of. I was a little stressed out.

GRIFFIN: All right. Let's take a look at us together at last night's Teen Choice Awards.


GRIFFIN: This is an unlikely couple. I admit it. This is Levi Johnston. I'm Kathy Griffin Johnston.

JOHNSTON: Best looking one around here.

GRIFFIN: He cares for the woman inside the woman that is Kathy Griffin. He's actually delayed hunting season by a day to share our love.

I'm also going to slip him a Rohypnol. And he'll just wake up four hours later, crying.

How do you feel about Britney's comeback, Levi? JOHNSTON: I don't really pay attention to other women. You know?

GRIFFIN: See? He only has eyes for me.


GRIFFIN: Levi, we were even in a twirling fashion shot. I don't do as much modeling as you do.

JOHNSTON: Well, you look good.

GRIFFIN: I cannot get enough of you, honestly. Now, what kind of modeling would you like to do? I'm seeing underwear campaign.

JOHNSTON: That would work, you know?

GRIFFIN: I think so, too.


GRIFFIN: Tell me what it was like the first time you had to wear makeup. I know you don't care for the Holly-weird makeup.

JOHNSTON: That was a big -- one of the best times of my life right there.


JOHNSTON: I look forward to it every show.

GRIFFIN: Can you stop looking at my rack and just look at my face, please?

JOHNSTON: I'm trying, you know.

GRIFFIN: I know it's incredible. But I'm a person, Levi. I'm not just a sex object. How could you not shave? You're on Larry King.

JOHNSTON: You said you like me scruffy.

GRIFFIN: That's true, I do like you stuffy. Dirty dog, you.

All right, tell me how last night, the red carpet, compared to the GOP convention. More screaming for John McCain or the Jonas Brothers?

JOHNSTON: I would say the Jonas Brothers and the Kids for Twilight.

GRIFFIN: I believe you called Robert Pattinson your home boy.


GRIFFIN: Because he gets almost as many screams from the ladies as you do.

JOHNSTON: Yes, he's getting there.

GRIFFIN: I'm going to show you some pictures from last night, and you tell me your feelings. I'm going to hold them up. Now who is this?

JOHNSTON: The dude with the sword in his finger.

GRIFFIN: Correct. Who is this?

JOHNSTON: That would be -- I don't know.

GRIFFIN: It's Amanda Bynes.

JOHNSTON: I'm sorry.

GRIFFIN: Levi, you know it's Amanda Bynes, because when she walked by in a tight dress, you kept talking about how I had a better body.

JOHNSTON: Yes, OK. Well, that's true.

GRIFFIN: Levi, we practiced this. This is completely off the cuff. How dare you? There is Leighton Meester -- what is it? It's Leighton Meester from "Gossip Girl," which I think you should make a guest appearance on. I really do.

This is Chase Crawford, who is not as hot as you are. Here's my favorite. This is Noah Cyrus. She's one of the Cyruses. But she's a little girl with a boy's name, who had an ark. Can you make any sense of this, Levi?

JOHNSTON: I can't, no.

GRIFFIN: Would you say that you had to act as my bodyguard for a moment when Billy Ray Cyrus was kind of giving me the evil eye?

JOHNSTON: I did, yes. I thought we were going to get into it a little bit.

GRIFFIN: Who would win in that one?

JOHNSTON: Come on, now.

GRIFFIN: You're taking him now, Levi. Here he is now.

JOHNSTON: That's him.

GRIFFIN: He better look out. You're coming after him. Can we please talk about Miley Cyrus' performance? OK, let's cut to it. First of all, Miley Cyrus was at the Teen Choice Awards. She comes out in the set of a trailer, which is clearly her own home that they drove out there. She comes out in sexy hot pants, and started grinding, and then went and did a number on the stripper pole.

Then, Levi, who is 19, turns to me and says, isn't she 16? That shocked you, Levi. And you're 19.

JOHNSTON: It did. She did her little thing on the pole. I thought it was a bit inappropriate for the Teen Awards.

GRIFFIN: I agree. You know, even though I'm older than you -- I just turned 24 -- still I think it was too much.

All right. This is a pretty lady named --

JOHNSTON: I have no clue.

GRIFFIN: You don't have to. It's Ellen Degeneres. But Megan Fox, you like her.

JOHNSTON: That would be Megan Fox.

GRIFFIN: She did have the shortest dress of the evening. I know you didn't notice that because you were only looking at me, of course. What do you think of the Twilight Kids? They're very famous now. Do you remember that when he went to the bathroom, the whole crowd cheered?

JOHNSTON: Yes, I do.

GRIFFIN: By the way, we don't mean to imply that he actually urinated in the theater. He exited to go to the bathroom. Have you seen Twilight?


GRIFFIN: Can it be one of our dates?

JOHNSTON: It can, yes.

GRIFFIN: Talk to me about Brit. Do you feel like it was good Brit? You you feel like she was hopped up on the goof balls? What do you think?

JOHNSTON: I think she spilled half her speech before anyone could hear a word she was saying.

GRIFFIN: Because the cheers were overwhelming. All right. There's one more picture that I think was the photo of the evening.

JOHNSTON: That's the winner right there.

GRIFFIN: I know. America, do you think Levi and I make a good couple? Go to Click on blog and let us know. I'm dying to hear what you think. Although, I can't take my eyes off Levi.

Levi is going places with his life and I got the whole lowdown. So how long is our love going to last? It's coming up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) GRIFFIN: Levi, how are you going to survive without me? Tell me what your day is going to be like without me. What's a normal day? You wake up, you think about me and then what?

JOHNSTON: I spend most of my time eating, because I'm depressed when you're not around.

GRIFFIN: Drawing pictures of me.

JOHNSTON: Yes, things like that.

GRIFFIN: I understand. Now, the other thing that we have in common, that people may not know, is that we both have sort of have unfortunate tattoos. So here's my wedding ring. I'm divorced. You, of course, have Bristol. What is your plan? Are you going to change it to something else? What are you going to do with it?

JOHNSTON: I'm not sure yet. What are you thinking?

GRIFFIN: Is there a way to, like, make it Tripp?

JOHNSTON: I don't think I'd want Tripp on my ring finger.

GRIFFIN: That would be kind of weird. How did you guys come up with the name Tripp? What does Tripp mean?

JOHNSTON: I just liked the name. Bristol mentioned it, and it just kind of worked.

GRIFFIN: All right. Now, you're still in contact with Bristol. You guys are getting along to a degree.


GRIFFIN: All right. You know my plan. My plan is that Sarah could make all the trouble go away if she moves you into the big house, everybody gets along, and you actually get to help raise the kid. Why is that a problem?

JOHNSTON: I don't know. She screwed all that up. I'm not really looking forward to being around that family anymore.

GRIFFIN: Yes, I understand. That's how guys are with in my family. I'm willing to kill them for you. I mean, get along. We all get along together.

Now, last night when we were together, between many sessions of making tender love, at the Teen Choice Awards, someone handed me a letter to give Miley Cyrus, because I know her so well. So I did promise to try. So if you wouldn't mind reading -- this is a genuine letter from a genuine teen to Miley Cyrus.

So Miley, if you're out there, we want to make sure you got this letter, as read to you by Levi Johnston.

JOHNSTON: OK. It says, "dear Miley Cyrus, my name is Josephine" --

GRIFFIN: You said that like you're black. You're like, my name is Josephine. Hey, girl, what's up?

JOHNSTON: I'm trying to -- Miley, tune in right now. "The first time I knew you" -- what the hell's that say?

GRIFFIN: Levi, please tell me you can read.

JOHNSTON: "The first time I knew you existed, I would beg my mother to take a -- or buy a picture of you. Could you just call this number once in a while?"

GRIFFIN: Don't read the number.

JOHNSTON: OK. "Please, thank you. I know I could trust you, so the number is --

GRIFFIN: Don't say it.

JOHNSTON: I'm not going to say it.

GRIFFIN: Could you take your clothes off real quick?

JOHNSTON: Yes? You might want to wait until the cameras are off.

GRIFFIN: Then what? My pants are falling off just thinking about it, Levi. What's going to happen when I get angry mail from Bristol because of our serious relationship?

JOHNSTON: I think you can handle her.

GRIFFIN: You're darn right I can. She's not going to know what hit her. Look out, gang. Look out Leighton Meester, whatever the hell those "Gossip Girls" are named. We're going to come back with Levi in a second, because I have one more thing to ask you about. Of course, it's pertaining to last night. Are you ready to go there with me?

JOHNSTON: I'm ready.

GRIFFIN: There's nowhere we haven't gone. We will be back in 60 seconds with Levi.


GRIFFIN: All right. We are back with my boyfriend, very serious boyfriend, fiance, you might say, Levi Johnston. Levi, will you please buy my book when it comes out.

JOHNSTON: Of course.

GRIFFIN: It's filled with shocking things that I think you can handle. Now, since I'm going to change my life for you and move to Wasilla, please tell me what it's going to be like when you take me a- hunting.

JOHNSTON: It's going to be long days, hard working and cold.

GRIFFIN: What are we hunting for? Hugs? Kisses?


GRIFFIN: And what kind of a gun will we use? Water pistol?

JOHNSTON: Yes. That will work.

GRIFFIN: Like the rubber bow and arrow thing like that? Have you ever shot yourself hunting?


GRIFFIN: Are you sure? Because you took a sec to think about it.


GRIFFIN: Who are our hunting buddies going to be?

JOHNSTON: I think we need anyone.

GRIFFIN: It's just you and me with guns and running moose? And the plural of moose is?

JOHNSTON: Just moose.

GRIFFIN: It's not mooses or meeses (ph).


GRIFFIN: Are you sure?

JOHNSTON: Pretty sure, yes.

GRIFFIN: How many moose have you shot in one day?

JOHNSTON: One day? Just one.

GRIFFIN: Sorry, they just screamed the word break in my ear. I think I might have gone too far. Next, kids with crowns. Beauty pageant toddlers who look like they are teenagers. What is up with that? Well, we're going to find out after the break.




UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2009 Gold Coast Beauty Pageant.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Pageants are a big business. Today, there's over 100 contestants.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Aden is a whole three days old.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: This is an amazing pageant.


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The new Highpoint winner for Inland Empire 2009 goes to --


GRIFFIN: Hi, everybody, I'm Kathy Griffin and welcome to my personal dream come true. Our next guests are featured on "Toddlers & Tiaras," airing Wednesday nights on TLC. I'm with Cassidy Blair and Emily Salazar. They're with us. Also, Emily's dad and Cassidy's mom will be joining us shortly.

So, we have a sneak peek of an upcoming episode of "Toddlers & Tiaras," or as my gays and I call it, "T&T." Watch.


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Today, we're going to the salon. She's going to be getting her nails done, hair trimmed, pedicure, facial, manicure. She's also going to get a massage this time around.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: My favorite part is the facial.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What's your favorite prize?


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The new 2009 Inland Empire Gold Coast Queen --


GRIFFIN: All right, ladies, it is a pleasure to meet you. Now who's who? What's your name?


GRIFFIN: Hi, Emily. Will you shake my hand? Thank you, like a perfect lady. You must be?


GRIFFIN: Hi, Cassidy. Now, ladies, would this be considered glitz wear?



BLAIR: Yes. GRIFFIN: I think so, too. Now, I understand you guys probably know how to walk. Would you mind teaching me how to walk? I would like to learn for my first pageant. Do you have any tips? Let's show them what you got, girls.

I've got to do that. And then what do you do when you get to the end of runway?

BLAIR: You make a circle.

GRIFFIN: A circle. Emily, let's make a circle. I did this with Levi Johnston last night at an award show. It wasn't glitz. It was more wild wear.

SALAZAR: Then we walk.

GRIFFIN: Where do we walk to?

BLAIR: We walk in a circle.

GRIFFIN: I love it. Emily? Emily, focus. Perfect. This isn't weird at all. I love it. Do we have an ending pose?

BLAIR: No. Then we --

GRIFFIN: We have to move back. We are getting yelled at. It is like they are judges. What is our ending pose?

BLAIR: We don't have one but we, like do -- we like turn around.

GRIFFIN: OK. And then do we offer them money to win?


GRIFFIN: Here's 20 bucks, what do you got? That would be fun. You might want to think about it, because you have to have an edge in this business.

Tell me about these incredible, beautiful dresses. They look very, very fancy and glitzy. Do you like your glitzy dress?



GRIFFIN: OK. Do you want to go right to child protective services? Just the three of us could get in a car.


GRIFFIN: OK. I'm just asking. This is a very pretty color. Would you call this a cream or ivory? I would, too.

Cass, is this one -- do you have other glitz dresses as well?

BLAIR: No. GRIFFIN: This is the main one. That is all you need. That is glitzy. Now, is this maybe -- as Mrs. Kathy calls it magic hair?



GRIFFIN: No, it's not. Neither is mine. I agree. We are in this together. All right. Exactly what are the pageants preparing the girls for? We will ask the grown ups next. So will you guys come back?



GRIFFIN: OK. Good. You look so cute.



UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: She has blonde hair and blue eyes. Her favorite person is her mommy.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I don't like Beyonce that much. My mom forces me to smile. I just don't want to.

JULIE BLAIR, CASSIDY'S MOM: When Cassidy is on stage, my palms are sweating. In my head, I'm thinking, please smile. Please smile.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: One word that best describes Cassidy? Wild.

J. BLAIR: Oh, she's doing awful.


GRIFFIN: All right. We are with Julie and Alex. You are a pageant mom and pat dad. You are not married?


GRIFFIN: Have you ever had an affair?


GRIFFIN: Just getting it out on the table.

A. SALAZAR: Most definitely not.

GRIFFIN: I, of course, am fascinated with this pageant thing. I watch the show every week. I admit it. Please tell me about the different crowns and what they mean and why they mean so much.

A. SALAZAR: Emily just a couple weeks ago won at this one, Magical Dream World. She won Mini-Grand Supreme, which was an honor. Also, this one is from California Gold Coast. She was the overall model of the year, which was throughout the whole pageant, she had the best model scores.

GRIFFIN: Now what does that mean? What is the -- I'm frightened to tell you right now. Not that I don't want to win one. First of all, how much for the big one?

A. SALAZAR: How much did she win?

GRIFFIN: I'm offering you 40 dollars. Will you take it or leave it?

A. SALAZAR: Leave it.

GRIFFIN: I am interested in the finances of the whole thing. When I watch the show, there are these entrance fees. So this is a crown for which pageant?

J. BLAIR: Golden Carousel.

GRIFFIN: How much did it cost to get into the Golden Carousel?

J. BLAIR: This was a national crown. They year, they did one divisional supreme in each age division and each winner won 500 dollars.

GRIFFIN: Do you have to sign up and register?

J. BLAIR: Yes, you do.

GRIFFIN: How much is that?

J. BLAIR: For a national, it is going to cost more than a preliminary. It can cost -- it depends on how many categories you enter that are extra, besides your mandatory categories. So it can cost up to 1,000 dollars, between 400 and 1,000.

GRIFFIN: Does that include the dresses as well?


GRIFFIN: To register and enter is between 400 and 1,000. But then the best prize you can win is 500?

J. BLAIR: No. This was just one certain pageant. Bigger pageants, bigger nationals have bigger cash prizes.

GRIFFIN: What is the biggest cash prize you can win from one of these national contests?

A. SALAZAR: I have heard up to 10,000 dollars, even cars.

GRIFFIN: Win a car. Be careful. You don't want one of those Oprah situations where they don't pay taxes. How much did you spend on Emily's glitz dress that we saw? A. SALAZAR: That is a creation by --

GRIFFIN: Of the creator.

A. SALAZAR: It was a 1,300 dollar dress, Glamour Girl Creations. It was a nice dress.

GRIFFIN: See, that is a scam I have to get into. I want to start hosting these pageants. That's where the real money is. You get yourself a Marriott or a Double Tree and then you just make people pay 500 bucks just to enter. Do all the kids win some kind of prize?

J. BLAIR: In most pageants, yes.

GRIFFIN: Do some kids go home empty handed?

J. BLAIR: In some pageants, yes.

GRIFFIN: OK, what is that moment like?

A. SALAZAR: It is hard. It is hard, but the pageant system is a good system. It teaches the kids self-confidence.

It teaches them self-confidence. There is a lot of good, positive stuff out of it.

GRIFFIN: I don't know if you have sold me. I'm entering, don't get me wrong. How young do the kids enter some times? On the show, I have seen babies with a bonnet, and they are just little babies. How young can you be to enter?

J. BLAIR: Any age. You can be a couple weeks old if your mother wants to put you in.

GRIFFIN: A two-week-old pageant?

J. BLAIR: You can.

GRIFFIN: I wouldn't put a puppy in a pageant at that age. I'd at least wait six weeks. When they have the little babies, what do they judge them on? They're kind of just floppy babies. How floppy they are?

A. SALAZAR: Honestly, I wouldn't know, because I'm not a judge.

GRIFFIN: That's what I want to know. Where do they get these judges?

J. BLAIR: They are usually --

GRIFFIN: Gay hair dressers.

J. BLAIR: -- ex-contestants, past contestants, past contestants' parents. Sometimes they use a Miss California or sometimes they use --

GRIFFIN: Not the current one, I hope. She is in a lot of controversy.

J. BLAIR: Sometimes they use talent agents.

GRIFFIN: Oh, who maybe get compensated. I see where this is going.

J. BLAIR: Sometimes the talent agents stick their cards in the gift bags.

GRIFFIN: Of course they do. Tell me the pros and cons of pageant life. I'm sure there is a part of you that is a little bit nervous, because you are exposing these kids to who knows what, and then there's the part you like. What do you not like? What do you like?

A. SALAZAR: What I love is the friends that she makes and the people that we are around. It is a pageant family we are around. I see a lot of positive for her.

The negative, I wouldn't say there is too much negative for us. Maybe in other systems, but not the ones we are doing.

GRIFFIN: Would you say denial is a river in Egypt?


GRIFFIN: You reminded me of my mother just for a second there. Are there good pageant days and bad pageant days? What does that mean?

J. BLAIR: Definitely, there's a good pageant day and a bad pageant day. Cassidy had a really bad pageant day in a national once, when she was three years old. She had been doing great, super great. And then she got out on the stage, and during beauty, she just picked her nose and lifted her dress. That was --

GRIFFIN: I have done that on stage. It made me a star.

J. BLAIR: It was a national. If you don't do good during beauty, you just kiss the whole pageant goodbye.

GRIFFIN: Could I make it in the pageant world? I have the crown.

J. BLAIR: Definitely.

GRIFFIN: Thank you so much. You guys have be very helpful, educational.

I do, I watch the show every week. I can't resist. I am Kathy Griffin. I have been sitting in for Larry King. Thank you to all of our guests. They were all great.

"Anderson Cooper 360" starts right now.