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JOY BEHAR SHOW
Encore Presentation: A Look Back at 2009
Aired December 31, 2009 - 21:00:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
JOY BEHAR, HOST: Tonight on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, we`ll look back at 2009; a year to remember and in some cases to forget from men gone wild, to stunts gone wrong. Plus, the year`s biggest arrivals and most unforgettable departures, from party crashers to Obama bashers, to those reality show marriage trashers. It`s a whole year`s worth of lying, lawlessness and lunacy, gift wrapped into a single hour and it`s starting now.
Well, it`s that wonderful time of year where we look back at some of the biggest and most bizarre stories of 2009. Undoubtedly one of the stories we couldn`t get enough of -- God help me -- was the Tiger Woods` scandal. His alleged mistresses came out in full force and they were more than willing to share all the details with the world.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JAIMEE GRUBBS, ALLEGED TIGER MISTRESS: I did feel guilty that, you know, he`s spending his time with somebody that isn`t his wife. But he never mentioned her, and it was kind of, you know, I never thought about it.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What was he telling you?
CORI RIST, ALLEGED TIGER MISTRESS: Just that his marriage was on the rocks and there was a baby on the way and he had to uphold this image and stick it out for now and things were not good at home.
HOLLY SAMPSON, ALLEGED TIGER MISTRESS: Me and my girlfriends did a bachelor party for Tiger and it was amazing. And then he picked me to go in the room and I have to say he was really good.
JAMIE JUNGERS, ALLEGED TIGER MISTRESS: I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. I mean, there will always be a place in my heart for Tiger.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Here to take a look back at this and so much more are Emmy- award winner and Sirius XM talk show host, Jay Thomas; managing editor of bestweekever.tv, Michelle Collins; and comedian Kevin Meaney.
Guys, why did he pick the same type? No PhDs in there, just skankettes (ph).
KEVIN MEANEY, COMEDIAN: He likes pancakes. He goes for the pancake waitresses.
BEHAR: I mean, do you think that he could have raised the bar a little bit? You know, his wife looks like she`s got a brain in her head or who knows?
JAY THOMAS, TALK SHOW HOST, SIRIUS XM: Joy, Joy, he was looking to get laid, not have a discussion.
BEHAR: Is that what you do?
THOMAS: Yes, absolutely.
MICHELLE COLLINS, comedian: Tiger reminds me of like a 12-year-old woke up and was an adult and had been pleasuring himself (INAUDIBLE) for so many years. Now all of a sudden he can actually get these women. Of course he`s going to go for the same type.
BEHAR: Oh, I see. Can you relate to this, Kevin?
MEANEY: Pleasuring yourself? I can`t believe this. How did it get thrown to me that it`s like pleasuring yourself.
MEANEY: This behavior of his just didn`t happen last week or -- this has been going on since he was a child, you know. He was running down that golf course naked probably, you know, just running in the wind, look at me, you know. I want to see the naked pictures of him. That`s what I want to see.
BEHAR: When he was a toddler, the one that`s 48 years old was only 20. That`s what`s fascinating about that story. He was -- even then he liked the cougar.
Do you think that he can salvage his reputation at all or is it over?
THOMAS: He`s supposed to be on his boat with these guys now and Barkley wants to find him...
BEHAR: Charles Barkley.
THOMAS: Charles Barkley is trying to find him. And Jordan is trying to find him. The only way he could salvage it -- Lindsay Lohan went to India, you know that right? She`s in India now saving children.
He may be able to do it. But the problem I think with Tiger is, don`t marry the help. I think he married a woman that is like -- I`m sorry, but a servant at the house, and he didn`t think she would get upset by what he was doing. And she did.
BEHAR: You`re referring to the wife?
THOMAS: The help. She`s help. That`s what she is.
BEHAR: Why do you say that?
THOMAS: She was a nanny. She was pushing somebody`s stroller and they said why don`t you marry her, pop out a couple of kids and look she already knows how to take care of them.
COLLINS: Wasn`t she a model? I though she was a Swedish model.
BEHAR: She was a model. She wasn`t -- you know she was a model.
THOMAS: With baby formula? She was a model after that.
BEHAR: What do you think she should do, Michelle? Elin.
COLLINS: I feel horrible for Elin; a beautiful, soon to be very wealthy single mom, blonde, Swedish model. I mean I`m sure she`s going to have a lot of trouble. I do not feel bad for her. She`ll never be short of money.
BEHAR: Again with the nanny.
COLLINS: I don`t think she was a nanny.
THOMAS: She was Jesper Parnevik`s nanny.
COLLINS: Who is Jesper Parnevik?
THOMAS: He`s the -- his father was the Jerry Lewis of Sweden.
BEHAR: Stop it.
THOMAS: It`s the truth.
BEHAR: The Jerry Lewis of Sweden.
THOMAS: Jesper Parnevik`s dad -- the guy with the hat, you know this, Mo. Mo Rocca is coming on later. He knows -- he`s got pictures of him.
MEANEY: He`s a professional golfer. Jesper Parnevik is a professional golfer. And I think he did, in fact, take care of Jesper`s babies.
BEHAR: He did, okay. Let`s move on.
Let`s talk about South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, the one who lied and said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail when he was looking for some Argentinian tail. Was this the best political scandal of the year?
MEANEY: No. You know what?
BEHAR: I liked it the best.
THOMAS: You know what was stupid about him?
THOMAS: He said he was in love and all of that. It was his soul mate.
BEHAR: The soul mate thing, yes.
THOMAS: That`s embarrassing when you say stuff like that.
THOMAS: That was stupid and ...
BEHAR: Women don`t like that.
THOMAS: The woman already had another boyfriend back in Argentina and he was another -- like he never had been with a girl before.
MEANEY: Was she a nanny too? Was she another Argentinian...
THOMAS: No, she was actually sharp. And she was sharp enough to say I was just sleeping with you. He kept thinking that they had something. She said no, we don`t.
BEHAR: I`m not sure about that. I think that she likes him.
COLLINS: When the scandal first broke and he was saying he hiked the Appalachian Trail, that`s long been a line of mine at bars, when I tell a guy to take a hike on the Appalachian Trail. Come home after the hike. I tell it to my waxer to give me the Appalachian Trail. That`s what I ask for when I go in.
BEHAR: It`s a very southern excuse, isn`t it, to say I`m going hiking.
COLLINS: It`s like delivering...
BEHAR: In New York, they would say I`m going to see my shrink.
MEANEY: I`m going on the Appalachian Trail.
BEHAR: Should he step down as governor?
MEANY: No. Absolutely not.
BEHAR: Why not?
MEANEY: Because he`s getting a good salary. How many governorships are there in the United States? 50. And he`s one of them and he shouldn`t step down until he`s dragged out of that office by the Klan.
COLLINS: I think he should step down.
MEANEY: I don`t know why the Klan, but they`re still around.
COLLINS: I think he absolutely should step down because I never heard of a politician cheating. Name me one president who`s cheated. You can`t.
BEHAR: How much time do we have? In the 20th century.
THOMAS: You act like having sex takes a long time. It just takes a few minutes...
MEANEY: For you, jay.
BEHAR: Speak for yourself.
THOMAS: When you`re in your office, you`re in your office writing, you`re passing legislation, you`re on the phone, whatever, you have sex, you`re back writing...
MEANEY: How do you do that again, Jay?
THOMAS: It doesn`t take a long time. So it doesn`t affect your job. In fact, I think it is better for you. I think you`re happy. You`re in a good mood. You`ve released your juices.
BEHAR: It`s possible you can get a commercial for erectile dysfunction just based on what you just said.
THOMAS: I`m the spokesman for Ropex (ph).
You know, the wife, Jenny Sanford, actually left him, which I thought was great.
MEANEY: She didn`t stand next to her husband while he gave that great speech he gave after he knew he got caught and came out and told everybody about, you know, that kind of Jimmy Swaggart I sinned speech. You couldn`t turn that off. You were going how is he going to dig himself in the hole deeper. It was wonderful to watch.
COLLINS: I don`t know, watching this footage, I can see how he went to Argentina; this thin-lipped banker look. There`s nothing -- it`s like drawing blood from a stone with her.
MEANEY: I don`t like people with thin lips.
BEHAR: But you know what she`s supposed to be a beautiful Argentinian woman. And he`s like...
COLLINS: She`s nothing.
THOMAS: She doesn`t shave her legs.
BEHAR: That may be the reason she would go for him.
MEANEY: My boyfriend doesn`t shave his legs.
BEHAR: Let`s talk about fellow philanderer, David Letterman. In October, Letterman announced on his show that he was being blackmailed for his encounters with staff members behind closed doors.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DAVID LETTERMAN, CBS HOST: I have had sex with women who work for me on this show. Now, my response to that is, yes, I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show.
But what you don`t want is a guy saying, "I know you had sex with women, so I would like $2 million, or I`m going to make trouble for you." So that`s where we stand right now.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Weren`t you surprised out of all the late-night hosts it was Letterman? I was shocked.
MEANEY: I wasn`t shocked.
BEHAR: I was shocked because he looks like such a nerd. I thought that he was just sleeping with his wife now and being a good boy.
THOMAS: What about Woody Allen?
BEHAR: What about him?
COLLINS: Or Tiger Woods even.
THOMAS: Woody Allen is -- he has lots of women.
BEHAR: No, he doesn`t. He has his daughter.
THOMAS: Up until he married his daughter, that`s right. I have to recuse myself...
BEHAR: Because you`re invited on "The Letterman Show"?
THOMAS: I`m on "The Letterman Show".
BEHAR: Yes, but we`re not so we don`t give a damn.
MEANEY: Jay throws the meatball at the football. The football at the meatball and every year that`s like one thing so now he can`t talk about it.
BEHAR: Just FYI, his ratings went up after that.
COLLINS: I started watching. Once I saw how homely those girls were and I might have a chance at being with Letterman, Joy. I mean, come on.
THOMAS: Well, you can`t go over there without commenting on the interns. Not that I`ve ever commented.
BEHAR: They`re not bad looking girls.
THOMAS: They`re cute.
COLLINS: The girls that he -- well, really they`re (INAUDIBLE).
MEANEY: He`s never been really in a relationship. He was married once and that fizzled. Then (INAUDIBLE)
BEHAR: Well, he had a few along the way.
We`ll be right back. But first, the one gift that truly kept on giving this holiday season was Tiger Woods and boy did he give us a lot.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(MUSIC: TWELVE DAYS OF TIGER)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Jon and Kate Gosselin created a big stir this year by splitting up and of course, it was all captured on camera.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JON GOSSELIN, "JON & KATE PLUS 8": Kate and I have decided to separate.
KATE GOSSELIN, "JON & KATE PLUS 8": Yes, we have decided that we will separate.
J. GOSSELIN: I try to contemplate and think about and would it be better for us, it`s just not good for kids for us to be arguing in front of our kids. And it`s just -- if we can`t be cordial with one another and then we`ve decided to separate.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Ok, did anyone think they would make it?
COLLINS: I did.
BEHAR: You did?
COLLINS: You know why I liked them? They`re the two worst people in the world and they found each other and I think it`s sweet.
BEHAR: I know it`s true. Who would you rather hang out with, Kate, Jon or Ahmadinejad?
COLLINS: Michael Lohan. Is that one of the options?
BEHAR: On no that`s an option.
COLLINS: Him and Ahmadinejad.
BEHAR: Where are the kids in all of this equation now? What do you think is going to happen to the kids?
THOMAS: Well, there`s no, no and same thing with the octo-mom with Jon and Kate, there was no sex. They were done by artificial insemination.
BEHAR: Yes, but they didn`t have sex to have the babies.
THOMAS: I can`t -- I want to -- let me finish the word first.
BEHAR: Artificial insemination.
THOMAS: Yes, thank you. They were in their fake. That`s odd to me. I don`t think that`s a good beginning to the marriage when you can`t get on top of each other and make a child.
COLLINS: Well, I think it`s that she couldn`t have kids right, so they like hatched a group of eggs in her.
THOMAS: I think, if they`re not supposed to have kids...
THOMAS: ... you`re not supposed to have kids.
BEHAR: Well, who said that? That`s ridiculous.
THOMAS: God says it.
BEHAR: Oh God says it.
THOMAS: God makes you barren.
BEHAR: Why did God say that?
THOMAS: He makes you married.
BEHAR: No he made you impotent.
THOMAS: Well, that`s right and I`m not out trying to get children.
BEHAR: I know but they didn`t want eight. But now once you implant the eight little embryos...
BEHAR: ... and you have to abort a few and they didn`t do it.
THOMAS: I don`t believe that...
BEHAR: Why aren`t they given any credit by the right to lifers for that?
MEANEY: I think they`re a great family.
BEHAR: You do? They`re Americans.
MEANEY: Yes, I think these last -- this last year has been really difficult for them and I`ve been through a divorce and it`s really tough and they`ve said horrible things to each other.
BEHAR: On camera.
BEHAR: Would you ever do a show like that with your life?
MEANEY: Actually I would love to do a show with Marianne and me and Kate.
BEHAR: You`ll do it?
MEANEY: Yes and that would be a great show.
BEHAR: Well, tell them why.
THOMAS: Marianne, and me and Kate.
MEANEY: Yes, Marianne and me and Kate.
BEHAR: Marianne is the ex-wife...
BEHAR: Kate is the baby girl.
BEHAR: She`s a big girl now.
MEANEY: Yes, she`s in her 40s.
THOMAS: Well, they broke up because they weren`t cordial to each other.
BEHAR: Who the Gosselins` or the Meaneys?
THOMAS: Yes, the Gosselins. He broke up because he didn`t like girls.
BEHAR: That`s right...
BEHAR: But that makes an interesting show.
THOMAS: That`s very interesting.
MEANEY: But that`s an interesting show, but the thing is, it was difficult throughout the divorce proceedings.
THOMAS: Is this the pilot?
MEANEY: And if I can take --- if I could take some of the things back that I said I would have and I`m sure she would have also.
COLLINS: I don`t know.
MEANEY: You know everybody...
BEHAR: You know what, you just do it on tape and send it to her.
BEHAR: Ok, one person took on Jon and Kate for exploiting their children, octo-mom. Listen to this from Radar Online.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
NADYA SULEMAN, OCTOMOM: I just want it to be very not like "Jon & Kate plus 8," where I feel they made a mistake being very -- allowing to be (INAUDIBLE) invasive in their kids` lives.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Her lips are so humongous that I can`t even understand the woman.
THOMAS: Yes, wow.
BEHAR: Now, does -- she`s the most hated woman, people hate her.
MEANEY: I don`t know why people hate her. She`s still a mom...
BEHAR: I don`t know why -- yes...
MEANEY: Her kids still adore her and love her.
THOMAS: You know what? She is like the big dig, as far as I`m concern.
BEHAR: The big dig?
THOMAS: Yes, it`s the big hole in the ground. Like the Lincoln tunnel it`s like she`s some sort of machine that children plop out of. The last ones walked out without having to crawl out. I mean...
BEHAR: I know, it`s true.
THOMAS: They actually had to find the last one.
COLLINS: I was going to ask how...
THOMAS: I would find it interesting.
COLLINS: ... how she even got pregnant (INAUDIBLE). She`s the biggest super soaker, that was my joke about her.
MEANEY: Absolutely they did yes.
BEHAR: Oh we don`t have that, her uterus has a concierge. Does this exploit the kids do you think Kevin.
MEANEY: No, I think she needs help just like those quintuplets up in Canada back in the `30s.
BEHAR: Oh the Dion quintuplets.
MEANEY: The Dion quintuplets...
BEHAR: Why do I remember that? Ok.
MEANEY: Jay remembers it too.
THOMAS: No, I don`t.
BEHAR: Now, would you go out with her? Jay, would you...
THOMAS: Would I go out with the octo-mom?
BEHAR: Yes, I know Kevin won`t, but what about you?
THOMAS: You know what? I wouldn`t wave a stick in a hot room either. No, I wouldn`t do either one of those things.
BEHAR: He has the weirdest expressions.
MEANEY: We are from New Orleans. I wouldn`t wave a stick in a room, it`s crazy.
THOMAS: People are -- I wouldn`t throw a hotdog down a hot hallway.
COLLINS: She is perfect for a guy who also is looking for a studio apartment you know what I`m saying, because she comes all built in with everything.
THOMAS: No, the kids should be taken away from her.
BEHAR: Oh yes. So they can`t -- they`re not going to take the kids, they came out of her body, she`s keeping the kids.
BEHAR: Do you think they have any chance though, of growing up normal of these kids?
THOMAS: Well, there`s 14 of them. One or two will.
BEHAR: She has 14?
THOMAS: She had 6 and then 8.
BEHAR: See she is hateful in that matter?
THOMAS: No matter how long the story has been around. You didn`t know the facts.
BEHAR: I hate that. No that is the wrong to do. Ok, next.
COLLINS: She gave birth to a whole new season of "Intervention".
THOMAS: She did.
BEHAR: Ok, next.
Who can forget the story of the balloon boy? Did you buy that story for a second?
THOMAS: I did.
BEHAR: You did, well, you`re an idiot.
THOMAS: No, I was on the air and it happened and everybody wanted to make fun.
THOMAS: And I said no, don`t, he may be dead in the balloon and I`m on the radio at Sirius and I was nervous. And I have children, you know...
THOMAS: And I`ve thought he was dead. I really did, I believed it.
BEHAR: Are these the worst parents of the -- who are the worst parents of these?
MEANEY: Oh I have to recuse myself, because I`m related to the Heenes.
BEHAR: You are? Because you`re the Meaney...
MEANEY: Yes, I`m the Meaney.
BEHAR: What is that you`re rhyme, you rhyme with the Heenes...
MEANEY: The Heenes and the Meaneys.
BEHAR: Was his throwing up on national TV, though, that really did it -- the kid threw up.
COLLINS: It was adorable.
BEHAR: That was when he really told the...
BEHAR: ... country where they were at.
COLLINS: I have to say, if that kid would have been homely, this would have been an entirely different story, the parents would be more hated. But he`s so adorable. In a way I don`t know I almost enjoy this.
BEHAR: He got 90 days in jail today I heard today.
BEHAR: ... and the wife I think got 20...
BEHAR: ... but she`s not going this consecutive. When he comes out, then she`ll go in.
MEANEY: Yes, I think the judge did a good thing there.
THOMAS: The kid looked like the kid from "Deliverance."
COLLINS: No you`re a hardened person.
THOMAS: No that kid is not adorable.
BEHAR: Oh my God. He`s adorable.
THOMAS: He`s not adorable.
BEHAR: Yes, he is.
MEANEY: He`s a Heene.
BEHAR: He`s a Heene.
THOMAS: You can`t say anything.
BEHAR: Ok, now, let`s -- you know, but the thing about this is that the couple, they wanted attention on this.
BEHAR: So eat bugs, just go dancing with the...
BEHAR: Why do you have to put your kid in that position? The kid is hiding upstairs. Now he`ll be scared for the rest of his life.
BEHAR: He`s in the attic.
THOMAS: Well, if those kids or what?
BEHAR: You can`t even take them to the Anne Frank house now, you know what I mean?
COLLINS: What a loss.
BEHAR: Which family is the most dysfunctional?
COLLINS: I think octo-mom, handily. Octo-mom is the worst; I can`t even look at her. She makes me wish there were straight jackets for vaginas. You know what I mean?
BEHAR: What do you think is the worst thing.
THOMAS: I think the balloon boy family.
BEHAR: The balloon boy was more dysfunctional than having 14 children alone?
THOMAS: Absolutely and I think the little boy is already messed up and I think that that dad, and it`s alleged, but I think he has a bad temper and once the cameras are off and all, seriously, I really worry about those kids.
BEHAR: How about you, Kev, what is your vote?
MEANEY: I think Tiger Woods is probably the worst.
BEHAR: Because of all the women?
MEANEY: Yes, because of the women and now his family is ruined.
BEHAR: Maybe he should try men. Will you like him better then?
MEANEY: You know. Maybe.
BEHAR: Ok. Thanks, everyone.
When we come back, a look at the year`s most notorious party crashers, plus much more.
BEHAR: Accused party crashers, the Salahis, stole headlines this year when they stole a spot at a White House state dinner. Joining me are Frances Callier and Angela V. Shelton, the Frangela comedy duo.
The Salahis talked to the "Today Show" about the incident. Watch this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TAREQ SALAHI, ALLEGED WHITE HOUSE PARTY CRASHER: This has been the most devastating thing that`s ever happened to us. We`re greatly saddened by all the circumstances that have, you know, been involved and portraying my wife and I as party crashers. I can tell you we did not party crash the White House.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: They`re devastated. What do you think?
FRANGELA: Oh, boo-hoo.
The worst thing that`s ever happened.
BEHAR: Well, don`t you --
FRANGELA: My heart goes out to them.
BEHAR: Don`t you think they love all the attention?
She`s rumored to be on one of the new "Housewives of D.C." Right. These are people who clearly -- what I don`t understand is what happened to them? They act like the White House crashed their house.
Exactly. We are hurt. You`re going to call us party crashers when we crashed your party? We`re offended.
BEHAR: They say they didn`t crash. They didn`t crash they say. They were invited or some fantasy that they have going on.
FRANGELA: Let me see, who am I going to believe, the U.S. Secret Service, the White House and the president or these two fools?
I`m going to go with the White House.
FRANGELA: Yes. Me too.
BEHAR: The White House has become very cool this year. For the years that Bush were in there, people were trying to get out of the White House. Now they`re trying to get in.
FRANGELA: They`re trying to get out without being in handcuffs.
Nobody wanted to go to Bush`s parties.
I`m going to tell you something. You would never have crashed the Bush White House because Dick Cheney shot his friends.
Exactly. So you didn`t want to be up in there.
BEHAR: Are you saying he would have shot you if you tried to get in there, is that what you`re implying?
FRANGELA: I`m just saying when a man shoots his own friend on a hunting trip, you don`t know what`s going to happen.
You have to be careful.
BEHAR: That`s true. Do you have less respect for the Secret Service now that this has happened?
FRANGELA: Well, don`t they have a job to do and that job is to protect the president and check who`s coming in through the doors? I mean, we could just show up.
That`s what it sounds like.
Joy, what you doing next week? Let`s go to a party.
BEHAR: I`m busy. I have to take a nap. Another big-time crasher was Kanye West. Let`s watch the infamous moment from the MTV Music Awards.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TAYLOR SWIFT, SINGER: Thank you so much forgiving me a chance to win a VMA award.
KANYE WEST, SINGER: Taylor, I`m really happy for you. I`m going to let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all-time; one of the best videos of all-time.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: I love that. I mean, it doesn`t happen in anything but music award ceremonies, all these crazy stuff. You never see it at the Oscars, Meryl Streep wrestling Dame Judi Dench to the ground to pull the Oscar out of her hands.
FRANGELA: Nicole Kidman had a better year.
BEHAR: You don`t see that. Do you think that this incident hurt or helped his career?
FRANGELA: It totally hurt. It definitely hurt. His tour with Lady Gaga got canceled. Nobody wanted to have any part of Kanye after that, with good reason.
People were acting like he had cooties.
BEHAR: We know it helped Taylor Swift`s career. She should send him a Snuggie for Christmas.
FRANGELA: Exactly. That`s our favorite gift, too.
We love the Snuggies.
BEHAR: Thank you very much for coming on the show. More when we come back.
BEHAR: We`re back looking at some of the biggest stories of the past year. And joining me to do that are CBS Sunday morning contributor Mo Rocca. Actress and singer and funny woman Sandra Bernhard. And comedian Dave Attell. Let`s start with the death of Michael Jackson. Okay, was that the biggest --
SANDRA BERNHARD, COMEDIAN: He`s not dead.
BEHAR: He`s not?
BERNHARD: He is not dead! He calls me. He`s fine. He`s tired of it. He wanted a break.
MO ROCCA, COMMENTATOR: Oh the M.J. deniers are the worst. It`s terrible.
BEHAR: What do you think, David, is he dead?
DAVE ATTELL, COMEDIAN: I have to say this, I just recently heard the FBI was tracking him. No wonder the Al Qaeda got through, get right?
ATTELL: Wasting their resources on Michael Jackson.
BEHAR: Wasting their resources. But didn`t people sort of cannonize him after he did die? He`s dead.
ROCCA: Do you think that the death brought us all together in a way. Like high, low, media, it brought us all together but it`s unfortunate that it can only happen once-in-a-lifetime.
BERNHARD: It alienated me from you, personally, as you know. It broke my heart in a thousand pieces.
BEHAR: I don`t feel that it united us at all.
BERNHARD: It didn`t. BEHAR: Oh, contraire. It was people who still thought he was a child molester as opposed to people who thought he wasn`t.
ROCCA: Is that Jesus juice you are drinking?
BEHAR: I mean -
ATTELL: I don`t believe this.
BEHAR: The new report that came out today, I just remembered that in `93 he was accused of molestation and the kid was paid off $20 million big ones.
BERNHARD: He paid him off over the 20-year period as well. So the kid would never come out later, that`s what they do now --
BERNHARD: That`s the trick.
BEHAR: And then that`s -
ROCCA: The actress out -
BEHAR: Yes I think they still do.
ROCCA: It`s like they do it in a lump sum.
BERNHARD: It`s like winning the lottery. It`s like winning the lottery.
BERNHARD: You take a little at a time or -
BERNHARD: You take the whole lump sum. I`ll take the lump sum.
BEHAR: Let`s say the kid was in fact, allegedly he was, let`s say he was molested.
BEHAR: Wouldn`t you -- If it was your kid, wouldn`t you take the money, and you`d be angry, put the kid in therapy, and take the money, right, I would. Rather than tell the FBI. I would have to say I would do that for $20 million.
BERNHARD: It`s a hard one to call right now, Joy. Now that, you know, we`re out of touch, Michael and I.
BEHAR: Apparently not since you think he`s still alive.
BERNHARD: I`m traumatized. He didn`t give me any money.
ROCCA: I`m a Glenn Beck fan. I would have taken it in gold.
BEHAR: What do you think about -- have you observed the father, Joe Jackson, what do you think about him?
BERNHARD: Well Joe is cold. He brought those kids out from the Midwest, it was all planned. He abused all of them and you can see it in their faces.
BEHAR: Allegedly. Allegedly.
ATTELL: You`re being too kind.
BEHAR: You have to say allegedly or they sue you.
BERNHARD: Allegedly, allegedly.
ATTELL: He`s a freakish nightmare out of "avatar."
ROCCA: But you know what, he was pushing blu-ray after Michael`s death and blu-ray is an amazing format.
BEHAR: Don`t you feel bad for the kid, a little bit? You don`t feel a bit for the kid - they are orphans.
BERNHARD: It`s hard to call them kids at this point. Oh, Michael`s kids. I thought you meant Jermaine.
BEHAR: No, no, not that. BERNHARD: I feel bad for those kids. So I`m still there with them, my heart goes out -
BEHAR: I know but what about the next generation, the new kids? The little blanky.
BERNHARD: Who do they really belong to?
BERNHARD: This is the bottom line, you know. Now they`ve been thrown into the mother`s arms.
ROCCA: Well it`s clear -
BEHAR: Their mother doesn`t want them. But what about blanket?
ROCCA: Well Blanket`s Jackson`s father is clearly is Tiger Woods. That way you bring it all together.
BEHAR: Oh I see, very nice, very nice. Earlier this year, Oprah shocked everyone by calling it quits. She got emotional as she talked about moving on.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
OPRAH: These years with you, our viewers, have enriched my life beyond all measure. And you all have graciously invited me into your living rooms, into your kitchens, and into your lives.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BERNHARD: I invited me into my bedroom and she rejected me. I said, Oprah --
BEHAR: Why do you think people are acting as if she died or is that just ABC executives? They were acting like she died.
BERNHARD: People need time to adjust to the emotion to losing Oprah.
BEHAR: Two years?
BERNHARD: Listen, look how long she`s been on the scene. Look how many books she sold, how many careers she made. She made a president.
ATTELL: She taught me to read.
BEHAR: She taught you to read, Dave.
BEHAR: See she`s very good that way.
ATTELL: I think she quit to go back to her other love of being Tyler Perry. Because I think it`s one of the same person. So I think that man - -
BEHAR: Are you going to miss her. Is anybody going to miss her in this panel?
ROCCA: We won`t have to miss her. The show goes off the air in 2011, the world explodes in 2012 and she goes into space like Josie the pussy cat. The show will be from space.
BEHAR: Who is going to replace her do you think?
BERNHARD: Catherine Deneuve.
BEHAR: I don`t think so.
BERNHARD: I hope and pray.
ROCCA: Beautiful. I love her.
BEHAR: I love her too but --
BERNHARD: And her (UNINTELLIGIBLE) in day time television. Come on. What do you think?
BEHAR: I love Catherine. She`s so cold. I love her.
BERNHARD: I mean Oprah could be cold, but Catherine can be chilly, icy -
BEHAR: She`s really icy.
BEHAR: But that`s what is sexy about her. Now, do you think it has to be a black woman or doesn`t matter?
BERNHARD: That`s why I was hoping it would be Catherine. How can you top the blackness of Oprah?
ROCCA: Diane Carol.
BEHAR: No, Diane Carol?
ROCCA: She saved "Dynasty. "
BERNHARD: I love - hey that`s a great idea.
BERNHARD: I though Diane Carol open in Vegas at the sands, in the 70`s.
ROCCA: Did she do sleeping b?
BERNHARD: She sure did. Sleeping beauty -
ATTELL: It`s getting hot in here, I better open a window.
BEHAR: All right. Let`s go to the next story.
BERNHARD: Come closer to me.
ATTELL: What were we going to talk about?
ROCCA: How about Bollywood.
BEHAR: All right do you like unruly children, you know that?
BERNHARD: Put it all together.
BEHAR: Glenn Beck became a household name this year and managed to keep making news by saying some of the darndest things, check it out.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GLENN BECK, FOX NEWS: This president I think has exposed himself as a guy over and over and over again who has a deep seated hatred for white people or the white culture, I don`t know what it is. I`m not saying that he doesn`t like white people, I`m saying he has a problem, he has a -- this guy is, I believe, a racist.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: And you`re an idiot.
BERNHARD: My wish is that Obama were blacker.
BERNHARD: I mean I would like to see him grow out the afro.
BEHAR: But you cannot be - you cannot be a racist unless you`re from the oppressed, the oppressive class.
BERNHARD: That`s true.
BEHAR: The class that is oppressed is never racist. Do you realize that? You cannot use that terminology.
BERNHARD: Joy, interesting. Interesting.
ROCCA: I think that Glenn Beck is an (inaudible). Because if he does have a little bit -- there`s a certain angle very light skinned.
BERNHARD: He`s an ape, he`s an ape, he`s an ape.
BEHAR: Did he get enough flak for that or were they easy on him? You know I think he`s kicking ass over there with his ratings, let`s tell the truth.
BERNHARD: He`s lost so many advertisers.
ATTELL: And the tea bag.
BERNHARD: It doesn`t matter.
ROCCA: Cracker barrel.
BEHAR: It doesn`t matter, it doesn`t matter.
BERNHARD: Cracker barrel, that`s weird. Cracker barrel.
BEHAR: What about those tea partiers last year, what do you think of them?
ATTELL: Tea baggers.
BEHAR: The tea baggers? What do you think about them? I thought they were tea partiers are they tea baggers?
ATTELL: Talk about a waste of logging on, tea bagging, all right I`m there. What? Political - zip up
BEHAR: I don`t really get this.
BEHAR: I don`t know what you`re talking about now.
BERNHARD: I used to love tea bagging in the `70s.
BEHAR: Did you?
BERNHARD: And then I just got tired of it.
ROCCA: It`s not safe because you wouldn`t use a strainer back then for your tea bag. What do you wear to a tea party? Because I would have gone if I knew what to wear.
BERNHARD: You need to wear like a faded acid washed jean and some sort of American flagged you know themed t-shirt, basically.
BEHAR: He`s kind of a paranoid -
BERNHARD: A cookie hat -
BEHAR: He`s kind of paranoid, isn`t he?
ATTELL: A little bit.
BEHAR: Yes Glenn is kind of paranoid. He makes people paranoid and scared and you know talks about 9/11.
BERNHARD: And 9/12.
BEHAR: And 9/12, yes.
BERNHARD: What remember it`s the day after that it kicked into high gear for this country.
BEHAR: Well thanks to Dicky Cheney and George Bush.
BEHAR: And Donald Rumsfeld.
BERNHARD: Yes everything was a distraction from what was really going on.
BEHAR: Yes, okay stay right there. We`ll be right back.
BEHAR: I`m back with my panel. "American Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert made headlines with his controversial performance at the American music awards. Tell me, Dave, if it was a girl in his crotch, would this have caused such a stir?
ATTELL: Then I would have watched. Because let`s face it, this kid is like, I don`t know, he`s gayer than new moon twilight, the sequel. I don`t know.
BEHAR: So what if he`s gay.
ATTELL: All right.
BEHAR: And don`t you think it was homophobic when they all went berserk on him? I mean it was the AMA, it`s not St. John the Divine on Christmas Eve. (LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: That right, he didn`t marry him.
BERNHARD: That`s what you think. First of all he`s doing a terrible Adam ant impression.
BERNHARD: That`s my -- that`s the thing that insults me the most. He was just like Adam ant. I mean he was like a conglomeration from all the act from the `80`s.
BEHAR: Yes but -
ROCCA: I like the guy from Alisia`s, I`m a New Yorker, I`m in favor of leash laws.
BERNHARD: That curved him -
BEHAR: Well did he become the year`s gay icon? Because for a minute there, it was Levi Johnston.
BERNHARD: I don`t think he is. I don`t think he is but you know, it is silly, it`s silliness that they would respond to this in the times we`re living in.
BEHAR: But I mean he lost "American Idol." you know, he was the runner-up.
BERNHARD: That`s right because he`s gay.
BEHAR: The runner-up is a lot of times more famous. Who was the winner? Do you remember?
ROCCA: The guy Chris -
ROCCA: Smith - Jones. Johnson -
BERNHARD: But this kid is talented and he has a good voice and a meatloaf sort of -
ROCCA: Clay Aiken was a runner up.
BEHAR: That`s right.
ROCCA: The runner up usually does better.
BEHAR: Clay Aiken is another example. Of course, Kerry Underwood is a big star and she was number one. And do you think that he lost because he was gay?
BEHAR: You do?
BERNHARD: That show is so --
BERNHARD: I think they just want to play it safe. They don`t want to rock the boat. It`s not the edgiest show in the world.
BEHAR: Well no -
ATTELL: It`s not rock and tumble Dances with the Stars.
BERNHARD: Exactly, thank you.
BEHAR: That`s really edgy -
ATTELL: Pirates of the -
ROCCA: Homophobes are notorious speed dialers. They`re very good at multiple voting - so. They were -
BEHAR: I mean they do want what they call an American Idol, which means for the majority of people. You know, not necessarily --
BERNHARD: Exactly, that`s a very good point.
ROCCA: We should use the Electoral College system so you just need to win the majority of most states.
BEHAR: That`s a good idea. Okay, Miss California, Carrie Prejean, my favorite girl, caused quite a stir at this year`s miss USA Pageant. When asked her thoughts about gay marriage. Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CARRIE PREJEAN: I think it`s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what? In my country and in my family, I think that I believe a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there. But that`s how I was raised and that`s how I think that it should be between a man and a woman.
BEHAR: This is a girl who believes that marriage is between her and herself, okay? Did you see her videos? She`s all alone.
BERNHARD: Listen, I`m still trying to keep my food down.
ATTELL: I think she`s so hot.
BEHAR: She is hot. Somebody --
BERNHARD: She`s hot in the Tiger Woods kind of way. She is a little too classy for Tiger Woods.
BEHAR: Look at him, look at him, he loves it.
ATTELL: Look how, you know, as a Jewish man, he`s like the ultimate blonde with the earrings hanging off of her head.
BERNHARD: If you walked - if you walked into Carrie Prejean`s room, she would scream and call the Nazis in on you.
ROCCA: Isn`t there a part of you that admires her? You`ve had lots of one- womans shows -- that tape was a one-woman show.
BERNHARD: She embarrasses me because I can`t keep up to her standards of comedy.
BEHAR: Do you think it`s a new trend like to do sex videos alone? Could be a new trend.
BERNHARD: Well you know, it saves a lot of money.
ROCCA: -- Economy.
BERNHARD: Thank you. It saves a lot of money. Just go for it.
BEHAR: No STD`s involved.
ROCCA: She did all the shooting herself.
BERNHARD: In her case, I would beg to differ.
BEHAR: You would?
BERNHARD: She might, in her bathroom, there might be some STD`s floating around.
BEHAR: Well you know she lost her crown, you know that?
BERNHARD: She lost her crown?
ROCCA: She lost her crown years ago, come on.
BERNHARD: She fell off a wall and broke her crown?
BEHAR: Yes she did, she did.
ROCCA: And we had to put it all back together.
BEHAR: Why are all the miss USA so controversial. She`s not the first one.
ROCCA: No of course Sarah Palin, Diane Sawyer, there are a lot of beauty queens.
BEHAR: Diane Sawyer was Ms. USA?
ROCCA: She was Ms. Kentucky.
BEHAR: Oh. Do you like how she`s doing her show?
ROCCA: I think she`s doing great.
BERNHARD: You`re lucky you are in -
BEHAR: She`s gorgeous -
BERNHARD: You`re going down -
BEHAR: Okay now let`s talk about Sarah Palin, one of my favorite moments of the year was when Sarah Palin quit as governor of Alaska while reminding us she`s not a quitter. Look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SARAH PALIN: Though it may be tempting and more comfortable to keep your head down and plod along and appease those who are demanding hey, just sit down and shut up, but that`s a worthless quitter`s way out. And I think a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to hunker down and go with the flow.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: What the hell is she --
BERNHARD: It would be apathetic -
BEHAR: What is she -
BERNHARD: To follow through on -
ROCCA: Once again -
BERNHARD: On her job -
BEHAR: What is she talking about?
BERNHARD: She never makes sense.
BEHAR: She never makes sense, did you understand what she said, Mo?
ROCCA: Yes, beauty queens are quitters, remember Lee Maryweather quitting as cat woman. They are big quitters
BEHAR: Lee Maryweather -- right. Do you think she`ll run in 2012? Are you attracted to her, Dave?
BEHAR: she`s not your type?
BERNHARD: I bet you are -
ATTELL: Maybe if I had some wood to be chopped. She`s too frontier for me.
ATTELL: You know, there`s one thing, she`s got that special need kid. What is his name again?
ATTELL: Yes, what is with that? Is that really --
BEHAR: Stop it, it`s a real child. He has a problem.
BERNHARD: She brings him out --
BEHAR: I shouldn`t say that.
BERNHARD: She bring him out -
BEHAR: You`re not supposed to say they have a problem, these kids, because they are challenged. And you know I give her credit for raising that kid.
ATTELL: Right, me too.
BERNHARD: According to Levi Johnston, she`s not raising him. So I would really beg to differ.
BEHAR: She`s not, yes, he does say that, but do you believe him?
BERNHARD: I mean he is a very reliable spouse.
ATTELL: How dare he have an Amish name. Right?
BEHAR: Levi Johnston. Yes.
ATTELL: What`s going on up there in Alaska.
BEHAR: Isn`t that a Jewish name?
ATTELL: Levi -
BEHAR: The Levi.
BERNHARD: The Levites. That`s right.
BEHAR: So do you think she`ll run in 2012? Maybe her and Glenn Beck on the same ticket. Down the toilet, it would be great for the Democrats.
BERNHARD: I think her and tom delay. They`re start on "dancing with the stars" doing a tango and people will get so excited they`ll beg them to run.
BEHAR: Now, now, you know her books are going through the roof, the sales. I mean you cannot deny the success of that book.
BEHAR: And yet a lot of her base doesn`t even read. So who is buying the book?
BERNHARD: They like to look at the pictures. There`s only one on the cover, but they like to look at that picture.
BEHAR: Do you think she`ll host her own talk show?
BERNHARD: No. It`s too late for that. It would have happen already.
ATTELL: No, I think she will.
BERNHARD: No. She can`t do it. She can`t hack it.
ATTELL: I think every day she`ll open the show with her wrestling a wild animal, a grizzly one week, a bald eagle, you know like real Alaska style.
ROCCA: We`ll leave you now -
ATTELL: The former governor wrestle -
BEHAR: What -- let`s think of other stories that went on this year that you know -- Bernie Madoff, you know, what do you think of him?
BERNHARD: I`m just glad I never invested with him.
BERNHARD: That was smart.
BEHAR: Did you? You`re Jewish.
ATTELL: I don`t have that kind of money - the Madoff
BEHAR: It`s all Jewish people that invested with the guy.
ATTELL: It`s horrible.
BERNHARD: Kyra Sedgwick and -Kevin Bacon.
ATTELL: They`re Jewish?
BERNHARD: They are friends -
ROCCA: They`re cheaters-
BERNHARD: They invested, he lost all his money.
BEHAR: Once in awhile you will find a few that are not Jewish.
BERNHARD: No, they`re not Jewish.
BEHAR: Mostly Jewish right? And who else did annoyed you this year? Was there anyone else that was bothering you this year?
BERNHARD: Something that bothered me this year was the woman who was finally discovered living in the backyard of the sex offender up in San Francisco.
ROCCA: Oh yes.
BERNHARD: How many times did they have to visit the house until they realize there was some fed intensity at -
BEHAR: Exactly. Exactly.
ROCCA: I was annoyed by the Austria man who raped his daughter over all --
BEHAR: Oh no, don`t bring us down.
ATTELL: Yes really it`s the holidays.
BERNHARD: Yes really that was - ago.
BEHAR: All right forget this, you can catch David at Carolyn`s through the 30th, and Sandra at Joe`s Pub through the 31st, both in New York City, the big apple, the friendliest city in the world. And Mo you can see on CBS Monday morning. With who is it Charles (UNINTELLIGIBLE)--
BEHAR: When we come back, predictions for the New Year. So stick around.
BEHAR: All right, enough already with 2009. I`m sick of it. What`s in store for 2010, that`s what we want to know. And here with some predictions is astrologist - astrolo-g, yes, okay, that`s his name, okay ladies and gentlemen.
GREG TUFARO, ASTROLO-G: Great it`s season remembering.
BEHAR: And I`m Astrolo-Joy.
TUFARO: That`s right. I like that.
BEHAR: Okay, all right, so let`s see what you have to say - well let`s talk about Tiger Woods, what`s in store -
TUFARO: Tiger Woods` marriage is totally over. Even if we seem them stay together, listen, how do you think it`s going to survive? In Tiger`s chart, he has an indication that he`s very secretive when it comes to sexual matters. I think that the 14 or 16 that we`ve heard about that`s the tip of the iceberg with Tiger.
BEHAR: Really? How much time does the man have?
TUFARO: All right well listen how did he do that without her knowing about it. It`s the other question.
BEHAR: Well, you say she didn`t know. We don`t know that.
TUFARO: If she`ll smart, she`ll run away from him. And the latest one is that 49-year-old woman has a 5-year-old. Astrologically speaking there was something in his chart that happens 5 years ago. So I would not be surprised if that was a love child and if we keep hearing of Tiger through October of next year.
BEHAR: Then what?
TUFARO: Newer secrets coming out. More secrets. And hopefully it will be good-
BEHAR: You know what it`s bad for him and his family but good for my show. So when are we going to see him again? Jimmy Hoffa is more visible than Tiger Woods.
TUFARO: Well I don`t see them playing golf until the end of next year, like October onwards. Before that I really think he`s going to lay low.
TUFARO: You`ll get the interview.
BEHAR: All right. He`s not going to give it to me. What about Sarah Palin? Will she give you the interview?
TUFARO: Well astrologically, there`s something funny. There`s something called horrory (ph) astrology that`s supposed to answer any question - you can ask the chart for the moment that you ask that. And I`ll say that the only way that you`re going to get an interview with her is if you change your tactic with her. Because astrologically speaking, I think you put fear into her. I think she`s afraid of actually sitting down with you.
BEHAR: Really -
BEHAR: Well that`s ridiculous.
TUFARO: but I think she`ll run for 2012.
BEHAR: Okay let`s go to Mark Sanford, has he found true love with his soul mate?
TUFARO: You know what the scary thing about it - I actually think that he has. I think that over the next couple of years, you know, they say 70 percent of affairs don`t last, the relationship doesn`t last after it`s come out.
TUFARO: I think he`s in the 30 percent that I think could --
BEHAR: I think his soul mate is going to turn into a cell mate very soon. Anyway thanks to Astrolo - G. Okay look, I can`t make predictions. I don`t have esp. I don`t even have ESPN. But I do have a lot of unanswered questions about the upcoming year.
For instance, Governor Mark Sanford, will his affair continue? Who cares? The really question is, what does an Argentinean woman see in a mousy, pasty-faced schlub who can`t tell the difference between Buenos Aires and buenas dias?
Will Jon Gosselin continue to hang with Michael Lohan? Or is he only doing it because that bitch Sir Anthony Hopkins won`t return his call?
Will Carrie Prejean take acting lessons so she can learn to talk dirty to herself?
Will the octomom give birth to more kids or will she stop now that the entire Von Trapp family has fallen out of her uterus.
Will Sarah Palin run for president in 2012? Half of her base believes the world will end in 2012, and the other half is Glenn Beck. So what`s the point?
And, finally, this question is for Tiger. Any chance I`ll be number 16? I mean, I like Ambien and I was never able to stay awake during sex anyway. I want to thank all my guests tonight; I wish you were safe and a happy holiday. Good night, everybody.