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Joy Behar Page
Horror in Haiti; Late Night Fight; Joy`s Anatomy
Aired January 14, 2010 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
JOY BEHAR, HOST: Tonight, on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, everyone is trying to help the people of Haiti in their time of need, except, of course, Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh who seem to view the earthquake not as a human tragedy, but as an opportunity for air time. Nice.
And the late night talk show battle between Jay Leno and Conan O`Brien is getting personal as the two hosts start to talk trash.
Plus everyone`s favorite trash talker, the one and only Joan Rivers joins me in the studio. How fabulous is that?
All this and more starting now.
Yesterday, Pat Robertson said the people of Haiti are suffering because in the 1700s, they made a pact with the devil and they`ve been cursed ever since. How does he know that? Did he speak to the devil? He must have some long distance plan.
Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PAT ROBERTSON, TELEVANGELIST: Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and the people may not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, you know, Napoleon III or whatever.
And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you`ll get us free from the French. True story. And so the devil said, ok, it`s a deal.
Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: True story? Yes. With me now to discuss is Arianna Huffington, co-founder and managing editor of the huffingtonpost.com, Ari Melber, correspondent with "The Nation" and Frank Schaeffer, author of "Patience with God: Faith for people who don`t like religion".
Welcome.
Arianna, are you horrified by these remarks by Robertson?
ARIANNA HUFFINGTON, CO-FOUNDER, HUFFINGTON POST: You know what, Joy? Andy Borowitz said it best in a blog post on the Huffington Post today. He said that God considers Pat Robertson a public relations nightmare. And he thinks that he`s become a ginormous embarrassment to him.
And that`s how I feel. For anybody of faith, even if you`re not God, Pat Robertson is really giving religion a terribly bad name, again and again.
Remember, this is not the first time. Remember after 9/11 when he blamed 9/11 on the ACLU and People for the American way and gay people. So it is a pattern here of blaming every disaster to something other than what actually happened.
BEHAR: He blamed 9/11 and said there was not enough religion in school. That`s the reason. Falwell blamed 9/11 on abortionists, feminists and gays. But when he says true story...
HUFFINGTON: No, but Pat Robertson agreed with him.
BEHAR: They agreed with each other. But, you know, the question is, is he crazy? He says, and then the devil said. I mean, maybe he`s just mentally ill. What do you think Ari?
ARI MELBER, "THE NATION": I just think that what you`re seeing is the really ugly side of this right wing movement.
There are people sitting at home going, "Why do we even have to talk about this?" The truth is, not only do we have to talk about it we have to confront it, because this person has a following. I do believe they say they see God`s hand in these actions and bad things happen to bad people.
It`s a reverse of the explanations we usually hear because they think these folks are getting punished and then it comes with a right wing ideology. It`s not just religious it`s also, as you said gays and feminists. It`s wrong and we have to stand up to it.
BEHAR: That`s right.
MELBER: And the important point is he hasn`t apologized.
BEHAR: No, he hasn`t apologized.
Frank, you were an evangelist in the 1980s. And I think that you know him, right?
FRANK SCHAEFFER, AUTHOR, "PATIENCE WITH GOD": Yes, I was unfortunately on his show about six times. My dad Francis Schaeffer and I was his sidekick in that kind of evangelical nepotistic way.
As I talk about in this book you mentioned, "Patience with God", really there`s such an ugly face to the movement that someone like me got out. The reason I got out was precisely because bad news is good news to these guys. They`re groupies of the Apocalypse. The worse things get the better Pat likes it because the closer it brings Jesus to coming back or whatever.
And you know, there`s an interesting tie and you mentioned Rush Limbaugh because he`s sort of the secular version. He wants Obama to fail. He wants bad news to be good news to him. He wants things to go down.
BEHAR: Yes.
SCHAEFFER: In fact, he`s even trying to somehow pin this weirdly on Obama. So you know there`s a correlation between the secular hard right and the religious right and they`re not crazy. Unfortunately, far from being insane, they really believe this stuff. They have followers. They got people for instance who a while ago made a bumper sticker calling for President Obama`s death by saying you should pray this certain psalms, prayer that calls for the death of a leader.
These are not innocuous dumb things, these are dangerous.
BEHAR: They`re calculated.
SCHAEFFER: Hey, this is Sarah Palin`s America. She says there`s the real Americans like her, Pentecostal Christians that vote Republican, and I talk about that in the book how all just they think it`s a matter of politics as well as faith. And people like Pat Robertson who right away jump in with no compassion, no sense of the moment of history they`re in, and he just mines the dead bodies of Haiti for a few dollars from his donors or Lord knows what, but it`s just disgusting.
Someone like myself who comes from that back ground, as I talk about in "Patience with God" is just a shame that I was ever part of this crap.
BEHAR: Do you think there will be a backlash from the religious community? People like you speaking out?
SCHAEFFER: Well, look, it was like the thing with Rick Warren and the family and all these guys playing footsie with the government of Uganda trying to get gays executed. Then when the bill actually passed, they all backtrack, "We didn`t mean that."
But they were sending people over there evangelists talking about how gays could change if they wanted to and all these lies about the gay community. Then they backtracked. So you`ll see evangelical leaders distance themselves but he won`t get shut down. He`ll still have his followers and this is the problem we`re facing now that I`m talking about in the book.
BEHAR: Ari, he hasn`t apologized, Robertson. Does he care?
MELBER: I think he, like a lot of these folks, see themselves actually as the persecuted. I mean, there`s this great phrase (INAUDIBLE) that the Christian right combines the power of the majority with the pity of the minority. You talk to people who watch his show, CBN, they would say well, he got misunderstood. No they don`t see themselves having anything to apologize for.
And I`ll make another point, you know "Meet the Press," the dominant Sunday show that sets political discourse in this country, they have the Christian Broadcasting Network`s correspondent on, on a regular basis to tell us about politics, to tell us about what Congress should do and these people are factual...
BEHAR: No.
MELBER: ... obviously, and they`re not main stream but they`re treated like that by allowing political discourse so it has a political implication.
BEHAR: Arianna, don`t you think that the religious right has hijacked the Republican Party? Are we ever going to get it back to what it was?
HUFFINGTON: It isn`t just the religious right that is the problem with the Republican Party, because you know Rush Limbaugh is not part of the religious right and yet he`s full of anger and hatred and made comments that he immediately (INAUDIBLE) for what`s happening in Haiti down to race.
So the problems are bigger than that. But it`s just one thing to worry; they`re definitely not the majority. They may be feeling victimized but no way are they the majority.
BEHAR: Let me play Rush Limbaugh`s comments. Listen.
(BEGIN AUDIO CLIP)
RUSH LIMBAUGH, CONSERVATIVE RADIO TALK SHOW HOST: Yes, I think in the Haiti earthquake, ladies and gentlemen, in the words of Rahm Emanuel, we have another crisis simply too good to waste. This will play right into Obama`s hands: humanitarian, compassionate. They`ll use this to burnish their, shall we say, credibility with the black community in the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It`s made to order for them.
(END AUDIO CLIP)
BEHAR: Ari, comments on that?
MELBER: Rush Limbaugh is lying and he`s doing it the way he likes to lie, with some wiggle room. Rahm Emanuel did not say that about this disaster. God forbid that would be a terrible thing -- that`s a lie. Rahm Emanuel many months said that the economic disaster also presented an opportunity for economic legislation.
Rush is lying, but when you call him on it he will say Rahm did say that, those are his words I was applying. And then he gets racial as he often does, this is the same broadcaster who has a quote, "Barack the Magic Negro song", end quote that he plays.
This has nothing to do with race, this is a humanitarian catastrophe and the American public today has now reached $3 million out of their own pockets to help out through the Red Cross alone. And then Rush Limbaugh -- I do agree with Arianna, these people don`t speak for most folks who want to help.
BEHAR: I`m sorry we have run out of time but that was a fabulous discussion. Frank, Ari, thanks. Arianna, stay there. Arianna, I`m not done with you. Back in a minute.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CONAN O`BRIEN, HOST, "THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O`BRIEN": Hosting the "Tonight Show" has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream for me. And I just want to say to the kids out there watching, you can do anything you want in life. Yes, unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: That was the latest shot across the bow from Conan O`Brien who, according to a new poll by "TV Guide" has the support of 83 percent of all Americans. They want him to remain at 11:35. So will NBC let Conan be or will they let him walk?
I`m joined once again by the founder and managing editor of the "Huffington Post," Arianna Huffington as well as Danny Bonaduce, actor and radio talk show host of WYSP in Philadelphia and Cindi Leive, editor-in- chief of "Glamour" magazine.
Was anybody surprised that things would get this ugly?
DANNY BONADUCE, ACTOR/RADIO TALK SHOW HOST: I can`t imagine anybody wasn`t surprised that it could get this ugly.
BEHAR: Danny, yes...
(CROSSTALK)
CINDY LEIVE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF, GLAMOUR MAGAZINE: It`s pretty ugly.
BONADUCE: I have not seen a corporate mistake of this magnitude since somebody said, I got a great idea, let`s call it the new Coke. Remember that?
BEHAR: Yes.
BONADUCE: Ok.
BEHAR: Yes.
BONADUCE: That`s it. Aside from the new Coke, I`ve never seen anything in the corporate world this big, especially with two professional entertainers being the people who are discussing it.
LEIVE: On the other hand...
BONADUCE: It`s huge.
LEIVE: It`s been very good for ratings this week, so there`s a short term win...
BEHAR: It has been. Of course, but you, but that`s very short lived.
LEIVE: That`s ephemeral.
BEHAR: Arianna, which team are you on, team Conan or team Leno? I`m on team Moi, myself. What team are you on?
ARIANNA HUFFINGTON, MANAGING EDITOR, HUFFINGTONPOST.COM: No, actually I`m not on any team, but I think Joy, that they should bring you in to arbitrate, because you do this things so much better on "The View" maybe because it`s women. But right now there`s way too much testosterone, too much kind of macho rhetoric going on. And maybe we need you and a few other women who can negotiate, arbitrate and make us laugh rather than make it all -- so incredibly personal.
BEHAR: Well, you know, you make a point. I mean, they have kept women comedians out of late night forever.
BONADUCE: Absurd.
LEIVE: Absolutely.
BEHAR: And so you -- this is what you get.
BONADUCE: Although they`ve given it a shot...
LEIVE: Right.
BONADUCE: ... and that has failed. They`ve given a couple of tries.
BEHAR: Oh yes.
BONADUCE: Stephanie Miller had a show and she`s brilliant on the radio and her late night show failed. Joan Rivers` late night show failed.
BEHAR: Yes, but how many tries have they given men, they`ve give a woman a try and she doesn`t do it, so that means it`s the end for the rest of our lives as females.
Ok, here is what Leno had to say last night. Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JAY LENO, HOST, "THE JAY LENO SHOW": Nobody knows what`s going on. Then Conan O`Brien, I understand was very upset. He had a statement of pave yesterday and Conan said NBC had only give him seven months to make the show work. I heard that, seven months. How did he get that deal? We only got four. Who is his agent? Get me that guy. I`ll take seven.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: You know who`s really coming out pretty well in this is Letterman. He seems to be suffering from Schaudenfreud. He`s so happy that this is happening. And they seem to be very bitter. Don`t you think they`re bitter?
BONADUCE: They`re surprisingly bitter.
BEHAR: all three of them are bitter.
BONADUCE: ... I used to tell my ex-wife, who is a very serious practicing Christian and part of my comment...
BEHAR: Is that why she dumped you?
BONADUCE: Hell yes. I only wear this to bother her. But a lot of my comedy act used to offend her and I said you can`t blaspheme in a comedy club. And it says jokes above the door, you can`t get your feelings hurt. But these jokes are hard core.
"I`m going to tell all you little kids, you can do whatever you want unless Jay Leno wants to," that`s rough. Jay leno, I`ve done, I`ve been around forever. I`ve done the "Tonight Show" ten times with Jay. I`ve also done it with Johnny Carson. I`ve also done it with Steve Allen. I did it in black and white with Jack Favre back when it had manners.
BEHAR: Black and white, boy, you`re old.
BONADUCE: Yes, I`ve been around for -- I really have and Johnny Carson, you know, you can go to Vegas right now and see a show called "Legends in Concert" and there was a guy who looks just like Elvis, but there`s one king, there`s one host of the "Tonight Show" and his name is Johnny Carson.
BEHAR: I know, but he`s dead.
BONADUCE: Which is what makes this semi-trivial for me, really.
BEHAR: Yes, you`re really in the moment here.
BONADUCE: But when I looked at him and surely he told me, I was very amazed. And he said to me and I was on his show and Johnny Carson said, "Danny, I think when you go on TV, you should show the respect to your audience and wear a jacket." To which I replied, "Dude, I`m 11." But still, I remembered it.
BEHAR: Ok.
BONADUCE: That man was right.
LEIVE: Right.
BEHAR: Ok. All right. I agree with you. Johnny was the greatest but he`s not here anymore. So let`s move on.
Ok, David Letterman couldn`t help but jump in. And here`s part of last night`s top ten list.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DAVID LETTERMAN, NBC HOST: The category tonight. Top ten messages on Jeff Zucker`s voicemail.
Number ten: What the hell are you doing?
Number nine: Hi, this is Jay Leno, Conan seemed upset in the elevator, everything ok?
Number eight: no seriously, what the hell are you doing?
And the number one message left on Jeff Zucker`s voicemail: What the Zuck?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Ok, there`s a report that Jeff Zucker has threatened to ice Conan for three and a half years until the end of his contract which would just Conan out to say he can`t do anything and would be in violation of his contract. What do you think about that, Arianna?
HUFFINGTON: Well, we don`t know if it`s true but here`s the one thing Joy, I want to say, the problem is not that they tried the 10:00 hour for Jay Leno. I mean, after all, you need to try new things. How did anybody know whether it would have worked or not worked?
The problem is how they are unraveling the thing. Maybe they just need to give it to Ellen. Together with the "American Idol" and everything else, and that will be the solution, just an entirely different "Tonight Show".
BEHAR: There seems to be a fixation on this 11:30 time slot. You know? I mean, what`s the big deal really?
LEIVE: Well, there is tradition but I agree with Arianna, I mean, I do think that most people watching this are not that engaged and all these guys beating each other up and if you had a woman in there even negotiating or actually as one of the late night players, things might be a little different.
BEHAR: Oh I think if this was women, it would be even a bigger story.
BONADUCE: Oh Joy I agree.
BEHAR: Because you know how people love a cat fight.
LEIVE: Even if it was...
BEHAR: Oh yes, but you know, someone pointed out to me you know, like "60 Minutes", sometimes the NFL stays longer even I know that.
BONADUCE: Right.
BEHAR: I know nothing about sports. And so you missed it if you T-bow, so they go a little later. That doesn`t hurt "60 Minutes".
What is the big deal about this spot? And here`s another point.
BONADUCE: Because if they did "60 Minutes" in 45 minutes people would be upset. It would be a misnomer at the very least.
BEHAR: Yes, but you`re going to get "60 Minutes"...
BONADUCE: The "Tonight Show" starts at 11:30. That`s what America believes, that`s what they`ve been raised to believe and that`s what they want.
LEIVE: Well, we`ll find out.
BEHAR: But Conan is worshipping the "Tonight Show" idea so much. If they put Conan back at 12:05 and they keep Leno at 11:35, the network saves $60 million and $80 million. No wonder they want to put it all back.
BONADUCE: Of course they want to -- but let me ask you something with, and I certainly don`t mean to interrupt, I apologize.
But if you had that kind of money and I certainly don`t, but if you had that kind of money, would you take this kind of slap in the face? This is a terrible slap in the face to move you and say you`re the new host of the "Tonight Show".
BEHAR: What do you mean, if you had that kind of money, if I have that kind of money I`ll say, thank you.
BONADUCE: Isn`t that odd, I have a $100 million.
BEHAR: I`ll take the job.
BONADUCE: I would say thank you, I won`t take the insults, I`ll be leaving. But I would like to point out, Jay Leno, you know, has his big chin that people make fun of.
BEHAR: Yes.
BONADUCE: And Conan has his red hair. So if you need an ugly redhead to host late night.
BEHAR: You`re here. I thought about you Danny. And in the new issue of "People" magazine, there`s an incredible story about the (INAUDIBLE) star Heidi Montag who at the ripe old age at 23 is apparently addicted to plastic surgery.
Listen to this. She had ten procedures done in a single day. Maybe she wanted to look 22. Who know? Now, why are young girls so obsessed with plastic surgery?
LEIVE: Well, I think it`s become incredibly casual.
BEHAR: Yes.
LEIVE: You know, it used to be like the way you would go out and get your nails done or you get highlights done. Now women are going out and getting breast augmentations, or getting their nose jobs done. And I think what we have to remember is these are really serious medical procedures.
But by the way, I think the real reason that Heidi Montag did that...
BEHAR: Why?
LEIVE: ... is so we would all be sitting here talking about it.
BONADUCE: I think there`s another reason.
LEIVE: Well...
BEHAR: You want to go plastic surgery for 10 or 12 hours?
LEIVE: I think it`s a marketing scheme. She has an album out called "The Superficial".
BEHAR: Yes.
LEIVE: And she`s doing it so she can...
BONADUCE: I have to agree with you because I think these two -- the couple are a special breed of just bizarre creatures.
LEIVE: Yes. This is not a normal thing.
BONADUCE: I think first of all, the reason that Heidi would go under ten plastic surgery procedures in one day is so she would no longer look like the woman stupid enough to marry Spencer Pratt.
BEHAR: Just FYI, in the article that I read about them, he did not encourage her to do this. So let`s get him off the hook. If she keeps going, she could look like this woman. Can we pull this picture up?
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Look at this. This is what -- a plastic surgery addiction; that was a normal looking woman now she`s being trained by Siegfried and Roy.
But we have to go. I mean Danny thanks. Ladies stay right there. More when we come back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: We`re back continuing with our week-long series "Joy`s Anatomy". My guest, Arianna Huffington and Cindi Leive have generously teamed up to offer the women of America a challenge for the New Year, to get more sleep and to do it without wine, sleeping pills or having to watch golf.
Ok, so ladies, what`s going on here? Why are you so obsessed with people sleeping?
LEIVE: We decided that sleep is actually a feminist issue, because we are a nation of sleep-deprived women. Women more so than men are likely to get by on five or six hours of sleep when what you need is, minimally, probably about seven and a half.
BEHAR: How many hours do you get?
LEIVE: Prior to the sleep challenge, I was getting under six, somewhere between five and a half and a six. But now I`m saying that every night for a month -- and Arianna`s doing this to -- we`re getting at least seven and a half hours of sleep a night.
BEHAR: How about you, Arianna, how much do you sleep?
HUFFINGTON: Well, my challenge has been eight hours a night. I did fall off the wagon one night, I admitted it. Both Cindi and I blog on glamour.com and Huffingtonpost.com twice a week and give an update. We support each other. We email each other about our little tricks. And there are many tricks.
But the bottom line, as Cindi said, is that it is a feminist issue. We need to do success differently, we women. Not by driving ourselves into the ground. Not by walking through our days like zombies but by actually being creative, being productive when we are not sleep- deprived.
So it`s really fundamental to our health, to our weight, to our sex life, to everything that we value.
BEHAR: Do what I did, just sleep during sex. That`s a good time.
LEIVE: You get 7 1/2 hours of sex at night?
BEHAR: Yes, he can go a long time -- eight, nine hours. Yes, right.
What was I going to say now? I got myself into a tizzy. I feel like I should take a nap right now.
LEIVE: Go right ahead.
HUFFINGTON: Joy, we can give you lots of little tricks. For example, never have your devices charging near you, you know, Blackberries, cell phones, computers, as far away from your bedroom as possible.
BEHAR: Are you kidding me? That is impossible. I will not go anywhere without my Blackberry.
(CROSSTALK)
HUFFINGTON: You have to.
LEIVE: You`re going to wake up at 3:00 in the morning...
BEHAR: I put it on vibrate. Does that help?
LEIVE: it might help a little bit. I think part of the problem is that women get very sort of macho and competitive about this. I mean people in general do, but you start thinking, gosh, it`s going to show that I`m a better worker, I`m more dedicated, I`m more ambitious and more of a super woman if I`m getting four hours of sleep.
BEHAR: How do you do it? You`re saying don`t sleep, don`t use medication. Everyone is using Ambien, everyone you talk to.
LEIVE: Right.
BEHAR: ... is using Ambien. Maybe they`re trying to get to sleep and they can`t.
LEIVE: I think that`s part of it but first of all, you`re going to have more energy during the day, so you`re going to be able to get more done during your awake hours if you`re getting 7 1/2 at night. And also, there`s so many other benefits.
Arianna mentioned weight. There`s incredible evidence linking weight gain and sleep deprivation.
BEHAR: People eat when they`re tired, that`s true.
LEIVE: Yes. So maybe you could safe yourself some time on exercise. Just sleep more.
BEHAR: Now, there`s an idea.
But I mean, you do hear these women who are like these high roller types, you know, highly functioning women. They say oh, I got four hours of sleep and it`s really -- and menopause, let`s just go there for one second.
Menopause disturbs your sleep. You can be sleeping and then all of a sudden in a half hour, a surge comes over you and you wake up.
HUFFINGTON: But there`s an awful lot that you can do naturally. We had doctors throughout this challenge, which is lasting for a full month, so people can tune in and actually learn a lot about it. Telling us natural things that we can do to avoid sleeplessness.
BEHAR: Right. Hot milk.
Ok ladies. Thanks.
The legendary Joan Rivers joins me next. Don`t go anywhere.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOAN RIVERS, HOST, "FASHION POLICE": I don`t like certain audiences. I hate old people. Oh, if you`re (bleep) old, get up and get out of here right now! Right now! You`re old, you say. I don`t see me. If you`re old, screw you.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
JOY BEHAR, HOST: Joan Rivers is one of the reasons I got into standup comedy. She taught me I could get paid to trash the people I love. It`s truly a pleasure to have her here. Joan, welcome.
RIVERS: I love being here with you.
BEHAR: Yes. Well, you know.
RIVERS: Your own show.
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERS: You can ask any question you want.
BEHAR: Don`t you think they`re all happy for me?
RIVERS: Oh, yes.
(LAUGHTER)
RIVERS: You`re talking to me. And it`s nice that you ask more than one question with me.
BEHAR: I know, without getting interrupted.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: You know what? We called you the legendary Joan Rivers before and I was thinking to myself. My God, this woman has been through so much in her career and now she`s the legend.
RIVERS: I know, it`s so stupid.
BEHAR: But, don`t you feel good about it finally?
RIVERS: No, because that means that you`re over. 150 years old.
BEHAR: But you`re not. You have a new gig.
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERS: I know. It`s like -- when people walk on an award show and the audience stands up, that means they heard from their doctors.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: What have you heard? Are you accepting the fact that you`re aging gracefully?
RIVERS: No.
BEHAR: You`re not.
RIVERS: I hate age. It sucks.
BEHAR: But you said these 20 years ago.
RIVERS: I hated it then, 20 years ago. I was already 50 something.
BEHAR: So, what happens when people say what`s the alternative?
RIVERS: I wouldn`t mind being dead now.
BEHAR: You wouldn`t?
RIVERS: No. Being dead is okay. I`ve seen everything. The only place I still want to go see is like New Jersey.
BEHAR: You haven`t seen New Jersey yet?
RIVERS: Not the way, I think I should.
BEHAR: OK. Well, you know. What`s interesting, I mean, like Ted Koppel, I heard a rumor he`s going to sit in for George Stephanopoulos.
RIVERS: Well, they`re coming back around. Bob Eubanks, Remember bob Eubanks?
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERS: I dated him.
(LAUGHTER)
RIVERS: The only thing about age is you like these men, you say he`s really very attractive.
BEHAR: I know, that`s true.
RIVERS: If they would just change his diaper, he would be really, really attractive.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: But he`s like 73. He`s going to be hosting the Newlywed game. And then there`s us, there is me and you.
RIVERS: Right.
BEHAR: There`s Diane Sawyer in her 60s.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: She just got a gig. It`s pretty good.
RIVERS: It`s different now. I don`t know what it is. I wake up in the morning and I`m 76 years old and I go, that`s just stupid. So ignore it. I have a new reality show with Melissa, I have my concerts ago, I have my show in London, do everything. The jewelries going. So, to me, it means nothing.
BEHAR: You`re on all cylinders.
RIVERS: Yes. Going like a crazy lady.
BEHAR: Why do you get this energy, is it anxiety?
RIVERS: I love -- don`t you love -- I love the business. I do love the business.
BEHAR: I love to work. That`s why I have two shows.
RIVERS: I mean, people say what`s your hobby? My hobby is coming in, having your hair and makeup done for free and then laughing with a friend and getting a check. Oh, that`s really sad, she works so hard.
BEHAR: I know, it is tough. Now, let`s talk about the plastic surgery for a minute because ...
RIVERS: Why me?
BEHAR: I don`t know, it just came to me. But I mean -- did you go into plastic -- get the plastic surgery to meet doctors? That`s all I wanted to know.
RIVERS: What a brilliant concept. It was a good concept. I would think you were Jewish to think like that. That`s a brilliant concept. I went in -- I was on the Carson show and I had bags and this is how long ago it was. Melissa was a baby. Someone said you should get the bags out, and I was only in my 30s. And I said OK.
BEHAR: Who said that to you, how rude?
RIVERS: But how smart.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: I did it and they were great. And then I thought, do a little bit a lot. Do a lot, tweak, tweak. And that`s what I`ve been doing all these years. I think it`s fabulous.
BEHAR: Well, this Heidi Montag, this kid.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: Twenty three years old. She had ten surgeries in one day.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: That`s over the top, isn`t it?
RIVERS: Oh, good show. Only one anesthesiologist bill.
BEHAR: That`s her point.
RIVERS: Her doctor was clean anyhow.
BEHAR: I mean, they sucked, they tucked, they did everything and it costs $30,000 according to "People Magazine."
RIVERS: I want to know that doctor. That costs for all those ten procedures?
BEHAR: Right. Right.
RIVERS: Oh my God!
BEHAR: But you wouldn`t have done something like that at 23?
RIVERS: No. Because my mother was nasty. I would have done it at 11.
BEHAR: What if Melissa came to you at 21 and said I have to have all these done in one day, what would you do?
RIVERS: Let`s go.
BEHAR: No, you wouldn`t.
RIVERS: No, but truly, truly if it makes plastic surgery is about making you feel good about yourself. And if I had a really homely daughter and she wanted to do something, absolutely do it. You go through life once, Joy.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: Go and look the way you look.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: Do what you want to look like.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: I`m afraid of it. It`s scary to me.
BEHAR: When it`s time, you`ll talk to me.
RIVERS: No, it`s over time at this point. I still haven`t done it. It`s again, you need to feel very confident about yourself. I was never the pretty girl. I was never the cheerleader, I was never the one they .
BEHAR: But you were funny.
RIVERS: Yes, they left and then they go home with the other girl.
BEHAR: You had plenty of men in your life. Who are you dating now? You have a boyfriend now?
RIVERS: Well, I had one that died.
BEHAR: Oh, yes. Did you tell him?
RIVERS: In restaurant.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Really? Seriously?
RIVERS: (INAUDIBLE)
BEHAR: What do you mean he died, really?
RIVERS: It wasn`t a boyfriend but it was like a date. And we were on a date and this man dropped dead in the restaurant.
BEHAR: Of all your luck, why you?
RIVERS: Of course, I had to pay the bill.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: No, that`s a true story?
RIVERS: True story. True story. It`s horrible. You think he is being quiet.
(LAUGHTER)
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: You`re afraid.
RIVERS: He`s being quiet.
BEHAR: So, in your life, have you preferred like I like men who are a little younger than me. I like them younger, I don`t like them older. How about you?
RIVERS: It`s interesting. I truly -- no, I like an older man.
BEHAR: Yes. Why?
RIVERS: This point.
BEHAR: It doesn`t matter.
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERS: Because my mother, she always said to me that you should be the good looking one. He should worry about you, you shouldn`t worry about him.
BEHAR: So the younger one you have to worry about.
RIVERS: Poor Demi.
BEHAR: Have you interviewed her?
RIVERS: No. She corrects you.
BEHAR: Oh, seriously?
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: Is it that`s a real name?
RIVERS: Yes. It`s Demi. Demi. But she`s married to Ashton.
BEHAR: Yes, great.
RIVERS: And she`s a bitch.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Younger men, and Cher likes younger men.
RIVERS: Yes. She had that pizza guy for a long time.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: There was a song that Cher should sing, "If I could turn back time, I would date a fetus."
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: It`s pretty funny.
RIVERS: Where -- is do funny.
BEHAR: Yes, I don`t know. Whatever.
RIVERS: OK.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: I can`t think about that now.
RIVERS: You are very worried.
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERS: She loves you so much.
BEHAR: Oh, yes I know. It`s so sad. All right. At this point in your life, what if the right guy came along and wanted to get married, would you marry him?
RIVERS: Get married? Never.
BEHAR: Never again?
RIVERS: Never. I lived with a man for nine years, and just never -- once he said let`s get married and I called my accountant and he said, are you out of your mind? You don`t mix this or that.
BEHAR: The guy you`re talking about had quite a bit of cash.
RIVERS: Yes. Yes.
BEHAR: So, it would have been to your benefit.
RIVERS: It`s just too much problems. There`s a family going to involved.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: Why?
BEHAR: I know. I don`t see the point except -- if you -- I don`t know.
RIVERS: Well, I have three eggs left.
BEHAR: You do?
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: Wow!
RIVERS: They`re in a refrigerator.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Now, so there`s a -- they want me to ask you this about you like to talk about dying and death. Why?
RIVERS: I don`t like to talk -- I walk into a restaurant and I say, anybody here want to discuss dying and death?
BEHAR: I mean, do your friends talk about it?
RIVERS: Yes. You reach a certain age and I think about it, because every time I pick up "The New York Times," "The Wall Street Journal," you read the obituaries.
BEHAR: Oh, yes.
RIVERS: It`s contemporaries. You know, I went to my class reunion.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: There were women dancing with urns. And that`s when you know it`s all around us. It`s all around us.
BEHAR: You know when that post questionnaire that says, how would you like to die? I don`t know what to answer. In my sleep, of course.
RIVERS: In your sleep.
BEHAR: Of course.
RIVERS: How`s that, you died very rich, very rich, very healthy, in the arms of George Clooney. I do .
BEHAR: Have you left Melissa instructions?
RIVERS: Yes, don`t resuscitate. Don`t resuscitate. You know what it says in my will?
BEHAR: What?
RIVERS: I made it, my lawyer got so angry. If they resuscitate me, they`re only allowed to do it if I can still get up and do an hour`s standup. Do not bring me back if I`m going to sit there and go, I used to be Joan Rivers. I don`t want that. Unless I can literally stand up on stage, don`t bring me back. I don`t want to be around.
BEHAR: Like Dick Shawn, he dropped dead in the middle of his ...
RIVERS: That was good.
BEHAR: How lucky. He was 35 years old, but still.
(LAUGHTER)
RIVERS: But also, do you know in Vegas, it`s in your act, they only pay you for the show if you do an hour.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: You have to do 31 minutes. So I said to my assistant, if I look like I`m dead on the stool, just say she`s thinking until it`s 31 minutes. She may be in trouble.
BEHAR: OK. Stick tight, lots more to talk about. Stick around.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
RIVERS: You want brutal honesty? You think you can hand the truth?
Gwyneth Paltrow. I love that hair but then I just love to see anything straight in Hollywood.
Kim Cattrall
That is a communion dress for sluts.
Haley Joel Osment.
He looked at me and he said, I see dead people. This might be hard to believe, but I can be a real bitch.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: She`s genuinely, genuinely funny. I`m back with Joan Rivers, she returns to E on Monday with "Fashion Police." The post game show for who what, who were what, who were what?
RIVERS: That`s right.
BEHAR: For the Golden globe awards. What are you wearing?
RIVERS: I was the one that first, you know, they said, and we got taken to task in "The New York Times," when we first went on, I asked some questions, they said you can`t ask that question, it`s very shallow. And then somebody else came on and said she`s asking a stupid question. Meanwhile, everybody now says, this old people really care.
BEHAR: Well, in that particular.
RIVERS: In that event, well, yes, they want to what you`re wearing, what`s the jewelry like, who`s drunk, who`s sober, who`s high. That`s the fun of the bash.
BEHAR: Didn`t this show sort of excess you at one point, and now you`re back?
RIVERS: No, we left.
BEHAR: You left.
RIVERS: We left E!, we left to go to "tv Guide."
BEHAR: Right.
RIVERS: And just start their channel. I like to start channels. It`s just kind of hobby. I started e!, I started fox. So, they called me up and said, would you like to do the "Fashion Police" and I said I would love to. Because we talk about, I understand and say, mememememe (ph).
BEHAR: Yes. That`s funny.
RIVERS: A lucky charm.
BEHAR: A communion dress for sluts.
RIVERS: I love that.
RIVERS: I`ll be going on 10:00 Eastern Standard Time, Monday Night on E!.
BEHAR: (INAUDIBLE)
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: All right. Let`s just do like a little bit of hot top. What did you think of the fallout in the Harry Reid story? Let`s just talk about that.
RIVERS: I found that ridiculous.
BEHAR: Why?
RIVERS: Why? Why? Because politics are politics. Yes, of course because Obama looked not black because Obama sounded educated. Of course, you would say he`d be a great president.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: I have yet to see a Jew, they say he`s very smart, we`ll use him. That`s why Lieberman wasn`t wearing a black hat with basis. It`s politics.
BEHAR: Yes. I see. You know, his intention, I think Harry Reid`s intention.
RIVERS: He`s very smart.
BEHAR: . was that he`s not going to win unless he has certain characteristics. But the way he phrased it was sort of dumb. You know, he`s not pro choice and he`s not pro gay marriage, Harry Reid, so screw him.
RIVERS: Yes, but he was smart enough to say we can take a black man who`s smart and yes, he can win.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: I think he`s .
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: He`s a politician.
RIVERS: Everybody shut up. We have a wonderful president who cares if he`s white, black, pink or green. And he`s terrific.
BEHAR: He is terrific. I like him a lot.
RIVERS: So, shut up.
BEHAR: I like him a lot.
RIVERS: Yes. And Harry Reid, good for him saying try him.
BEHAR: Yes. OK. Now, Ellen, how about Ellen? She`s the queen of American.
RIVERS: Try him again. Same thing.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: How do you think she`s going to do? I watch the show last night a little bit.
RIVERS: Can she be mean enough?
BEHAR: She`s not mean. She`s not mean.
RIVERS: She`s charming.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: And you need a mean person.
RIVERS: She needs to mean it.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: And she, Ellen.
BEHAR: Maybe you.
RIVERS: I can`t do the final -- also, you are so sorry...
BEHAR: Not that you`re mean, but you would tell the truth.
RIVERS: Yes, but what`s the singer, the one in England?
BEHAR: Oh. Susan Boyle?
RIVERS: Susan Boyle.
BEHAR: OK.
RIVERS: If they gave her a makeover and over and over and over and over.
BEHAR: But the thing is, she only sings one song, and that`s it. She doesn`t know any other song.
RIVERS: Ever seen a picture of a cat that`s going like this?
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Another hot topic. Have you ever considered dating Tiger Woods?
RIVERS: Considered? And may I say in bed?
BEHAR: He had a good stroke, huh?
RIVERS: A good stroke but he was very needy. He was very needy.
BEHAR: OK. Now, what about Melissa? Let`s talk about Melissa. How is everything going with her?
RIVERS: God bless her.
BEHAR: Mother and daughter are going along.
RIVERS: Great. Do you have a daughter?
BEHAR: I do too, yes. I`m not allowed to speak about her unless it`s completely flattering.
RIVERS: Of course.
BEHAR: Yes. She doesn`t like any negativity from me.
RIVERS: And it shouldn`t be. They`re not in the business with Melissa. If I say anything negative anywhere to her, they get very agreeing but I just thought, I liked your hair better the other way. What? You don`t look like this way. You have to be so careful with your daughter.
BEHAR: Never say anything about the hair.
RIVERS: And I`m very bad because I stay at her house in California and it`s terrible. The door closed and I say why the lamp is over there? Doesn`t this look better over here? But she goes, I`m going to tell myself but she`s fabulous.
BEHAR: Well, because when you`re young, you`re very touchy about anything that the grownups say to you.
RIVERS: Well, first of all, when they`re young, it`s hard for us. It`s a dictatorship. When you`re a mother.
BEHAR: Childhood is a nightmare, isn`t it?
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERS: My poor grandson, he says to me, can I have another piece of candy? And you realize he`s 9 years old. Yes, of course go. Thanks, grandma. Wait till he`s 19 and he`s going...
BEHAR: He won`t have any teeth.
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERS: So, with Melissa, we get along great.
BEHAR: What do you feel about these women that have like eight children, seven children?
RIVERS: Stay home and take care of them.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: What is that stupid ass`s name?
BEHAR: Which one?
RIVERS: The eight.
BEHAR: The octomom? Kate Gosselin.
RIVERS: You have children, stay home. That -- and on the road, who got eight children that came out of your big womb? I think, oh, can you imagine the echo when she goes to the bathroom?
BEHAR: Oh my God!
(CROSSTALK)
RIVERS: She must use a roll of toilet paper for ...
(LAUGHTER)
RIVERS: Stay home at take care of them.
BEHAR: From her point of view, I`ll play her part for a second. She`d say, I think she would say, I have to make a living to support these because the husband is an a-hole.
RIVERS: Yes, and she`s not. I think -- and she said to "People Magazine," major psychiatric help that she needs. So, I suggest, she`s stay home, let them learn that you are mommy. I find this outrageous that people have these kinds of children and use them as a career move.
BEHAR: Did you stay home when you were on the road when Melissa .
RIVERS: Well, I tried to have eight children, doubled my career.
BEHAR: When you were aware, weren`t you?
RIVERS: I drove through the night to be with her, as I`m sure you. I did things -- to this day, I take my book and I`m not a wonderful parent, but I take my book and I go, that`s it, that`s grandma week. That`s my week with Melissa. Don`t even come to me and tell me there`s a -- no your family first.
BEHAR: That`s right.
RIVERS: Do you know and we are getting serious here, we should -- when we had dinners in California at 6:00, the phone stopped and my husband and I sat down and ate every night with Melissa. Every night. And if we had a dinner date, we went out after dinner.
BEHAR: That is nice. I would never want to have dinner with my parents. We will be back with more Joan River in just a minute. I dreaded it. It was like, no! It`s too bad.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Welcome back. Joan Rivers is here. Like a proper guest should, she brought us jewelry.
RIVERS: I brought you my Joan rivers qvc jewelry.
BEHAR: It`s very nice.
RIVERS: Amazing, 20 years in the business.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: I just got honored as vendor of the year last night.
BEHAR: Vendor of the year? Look at that.
RIVERS: Very big. Very big for qvc. Big, big event down there.
BEHAR: This one, I find it very pretty, it`s maroon, it is lovely. How much of this, do you know?
RIVERS: It`s about $55, $45. It`s fabulous.
BEHAR: Would you pay much more at Bergdorf for that?
RIVERS: Try going to Barney`s.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: The watch is gorgeous.
BEHAR: The watch is nice, too, yes.
RIVERS: Everything I wear if it`s not real, then it is obviously mine. I`m not stupid.
BEHAR: You don`t sell real?
RIVERS: No, that`s why people say is that your jewelry? No, I design it and I don`t wear it. Of course, I wear it/
BEHAR: Of course you wear it, you`re not a dummy. Now, let`s look at the Facebook, Twitter question that we have.
RIVERS: Yes, I love that.
BEHAR: Is it true you play the lesbian opposite Barbra Streisand in the `50s?
RIVERS: Yes. Not the `50s. It was 1966. Poor Barbra, she will kill us.
BEHAR: I know. That is a little early.
RIVERS: The first show that we both were in, a show called "Driftwood" and they couldn`t get a male, `cause he read the script, they couldn`t get a man to do it. So, I said make them lesbians. And so I .
BEHAR: The two of you were so ahead of your time.
RIVERS: And we still see each other and we laugh, cause she was Barbra with all the as.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: And I was Joan Malinski. She says hello, Joan Malinski, and I say hello Barbra with all the as. We go back for everything.
BEHAR: She is something.
RIVERS: She is great.
BEHAR: OK. Joan, if you were to have a late show today, who would be your first guest?
RIVERS: Joy.
BEHAR: OK, fine.
RIVERS: I`m going to screw myself. I`m going to say -- not Joy. I`d love to have you on -- who I would love to have on? You.
BEHAR: How about the royal family?
RIVERS: They never appear and they would never tell you the truth on camera. I might be able to tell you truth.
BEHAR: Have you met Camilla?
RIVERS: Yes. She is fabulous.
BEHAR: Is she fun?
RIVERS: So much fun.
BEHAR: It`s interesting how he went for the ugly one instead of the pretty one?
RIVERS: Like she has a great sexuality.
BEHAR: Does she really?
RIVERS: I know them for like 15 years now, she is -- she`s great, just great.
BEHAR: But the Brits are like that even his uncle, Edward, who abdicated.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: His wife was no beauty. She must have done something really good.
RIVERS: And Camilla, you just look at and you know she is just fun and sexy.
BEHAR: And he liked that the other one he didn`t like. The other one too depressed for him.
RIVERS: She`s always throwing up. She smelled of vomit. She is bulimic.
BEHAR: Diana.
RIVERS: You vomit all the time, you just get your finger away from me.
BEHAR: What do you like to watch on tv they want to know?
RIVERS: I watch - OK, I watch -- I watch Turner Classic movies.
BEHAR: I do, too.
RIVERS: I love old movies.
BEHAR: Oh, yes.
RIVERS: Also it comforts.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: You fall asleep, wake up. You know just where you are.
BEHAR: I keep "Casablanca" all the time and Betty Davis movies.
RIVERS: Betty Davis.
BEHAR: Yes. Yes.
RIVERS: There was a star.
BEHAR: You know what we are? We are like a gay man`s wet dream.
(LAUGHTER)
RIVERS: Listen to the two of us. That is I also like "Law & Order" because I love to watch the sexy detective women. Yes, that`s sperm.
(laughter)
BEHAR: "Law & Order" is coming took 10:00 twice a week after they moved Jay Leno back.
RIVERS: Yes but I missed Jerry Orbach. I like the .
BEHAR: I miss Jerry Orbach, too.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: He was the best. But you`re the best. I have got to go. Oh, I love you so.
RIVERS: I love you too. Have me back.
BEHAR: Thanks to Joan and all my guests tonight.
RIVERS: Thank you.
BEHAR: Thank you so much, everybody. And thank you all out there for watching. Good night, everybody.
END
