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Joy Behar Page

Tiger Tees Off; Palin-Bachmann Alliance; Nuke Debate

Aired April 08, 2010 - 21:00   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

JOY BEHAR, HOST: Tonight on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, Nike`s new TV commercial features Tiger Woods` dead father talking to him. Is this an ad for Nike or new long distance plan?

Then Sarah Palin takes a break from shooting wolves to appear at Michele Bachmann rally. You know, you have to love these two. They`re like the Lucy and Ethel of the lunatic fringe.

And very few people make me laugh: Mel Brooks, Joan Rivers, Alan Greenspan, and the fabulous Carol Burnett who will be here in the studio.

That and more right now.

Tiger Woods, remember him? He teed off at the Masters this afternoon, marking his official return to golf. And while the golf world must be overjoyed that their money man is back, they`re also deeply disappointed in him.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BILLY PAYNE, CHAIRMAN, AUGUSTA NATIONAL GOLF CLUB: It is not simply the degree of his conduct that is so egregious here. It`s the fact that he disappointed all of us and more importantly our kids and our grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we sought for our children.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: He`s a role model, for Jesse James.

And there`s a new development. A 22-year-old neighbor of Tiger`s is now claiming she slept with him in his home not far from one of his kids` cribs.

Joining me to discuss this and more are comedian Rich Vos; Lindsay Powers, senior editor of Us Weekly and usmagazine.com; and the fabulous Joe Levy, editor-in-chief of "Maxim". I feel like we`re living together, Joe.

JOE LEVY, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF, "MAXIM": I often feel like that, too. And my wife is getting in the way, isn`t she?

BEHAR: She is.

LEVY: I know.

BEHAR: This guy, his name is Billy Payne, the head of the Masters, he doesn`t seem to be so in love with Tiger as others are in golf.

RICH VOS, COMEDIAN: He`s upset because there were white girls he was sleeping with, that old southern goat -- you know what I mean? That`s what he`s upset about.

BEHAR: Really, you think so?

VOS: No, it was just a joke.

BEHAR: You know, it wasn`t particularly funny, but it was a very smart remark I think.

VOS: Yes, well I think it`s because --

BEHAR: If it`s possible. You agree with it, Joe?

LEVY: You know, who knows really? Because did we really look to golf for role models? Is that what we thought? Guys who hit balls with sticks -- those are the people I want our children and our grandkids to learn from because it`s not like there`s a lot of drinking on the golf course. No. That`s not a common thing in golf.

This is silly. It`s silly to say he has to be a role model. He was a great -- is -- a great golfer.

BEHAR: Right. Right.

LINDSAY POWERS, SENIOR EDITOR, "US WEEKLY": And the timeliness, too, right? He`s like, all right, right now I`m going to make a statement. It`s like, all the stuff came out kind of a while ago.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: But you know what? The reason that he`s a role model or was, is because he set himself up as squeaky clean and somebody that the kids could look up to and he was Cablasian mixed races, et cetera. It`s not so simple that he wasn`t used as a role model.

Now the latest mistress is not a porn star, allegedly, but a neighbor. Her name is Raychel Coudriet. And here she is on the Huffington Post. Tiger knew her since she was 14. Now, to me that is more damaging than the skankettes. What do you say?

VOS: It is damaging because it`s the neighborhood. I mean the wife has to see her and she`s probably even friends with the wife. So it`s got to -- I didn`t even know this -- I have nothing on this one. I really have nothing because I didn`t know --

BEHAR: Think about it, though. She was 14 when he knew her. Now she`s 22 and he`s had an affair in his neighborhood. All these women come to him -- he`s like the Woody Allen of it. You understand?

She grew up with him like Celine Dion grew up with that other one. Rene?

LEVY: That is the strangest comparison I`ve ever heard.

BEHAR: Why? Why? There`s a similarity. They were all children when they knew these grown-up men and now they`re grown up and they`re having sex with them. In Celine`s case, give it to her, she married the guy. Woody married Sun Yi. He`s not going to marry this girl.

LEVY: No, but he also didn`t have sex with her when she was still a child. She was what -- 21 years old at the time?

BEHAR: Who are we talking about? Which one?

LEVY: The neighbor.

BEHAR: No, I know that. But she`s a girl in the neighborhood having sex in his house allegedly near where his kids sleep. Come on.

POWERS: Yes. Text messaging, it`s really shady.

BEHAR: You`re too easy on him. All right. You are. You`re too easy on him.

VOS: Here`s the thing, to me, I don`t really care because --

BEHAR: We don`t really care.

VOS: No one -- yes.

(CROSSTALK)

POWERS: They want the wholesome girl. They`re like, all right, now he`s classy, he`s at the Masters, let`s get the wholesome girl out. If he`s going to have affairs let`s have a nice -- like, you know -- affair with the neighbor child.

VOS: If it was my daughter I`d be dancing in the street. Are you kidding me?

BEHAR: Why? Because she`s going to get money from him now in?

VOS: You`re right. You`re right. Get some cash out of him.

BEHAR: You know how sleazy you sound right now, Rich?

VOS: Ok, it`s not like my favorite daughter, it`s my second favorite daughter.

BEHAR: All right. That`s different.

Now Tiger`s new -- listen to this. This one`s good. Tiger`s new Nike ad -- it`s his first, post scandal -- and features the voice of his dead father. Take a look at this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tiger, I am more prone to be inquisitive to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was. I want to find out what your feelings are. And did you learn anything?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: I mean, the guy is so -- I mean, he has been celibate longer than Bristol Palin at this point. You know, he looks so sad. Doesn`t he?

VOS: You know what`s creepy? His father is the spokesman for Nike afterlife now. That they`re monopolizing.

BEHAR: Creepy or brilliant Joe?

LEVY: A little of both. It really is. There`s a brilliant part of this which is, we get to ask the questions that everyone wants to ask. It expresses what everyone wants to express. It`s his dad doing it so it feels like a rebuke. It`s Nike getting to show love and compassion and also to be a little bit wagging their finger at him. And Tiger doesn`t have to say a thing.

BEHAR: But using his dead father to sell sneakers?

LEVY: That`s the creepy part.

(CROSSTALK)

LEVY: I don`t think it`s sneakers, by the way.

BEHAR: And also Lindsay, let me point -- you probably know that his father apparently cheated on his mother. It`s like -- role model? No.

POWERS: Yes, but I think with Nike having him there -- you know what -- I think they`re trying to kind of talk about how he`s this dad who created this golf phenom. And they`re kind of hoping that people really remember that part of his role in Tiger`s life, not the fact he may have cheated on the mom earlier.

BEHAR: yes.

VOS: How can you point a finger at Nike when their slogan is "Just do it"?

BEHAR: That`s true. They did encourage it with that.

Let`s move on. While Kate Gosselin -- remember her -- Kate Gosselin is flying back and forth to L.A. for "Dancing with the Stars", her ex-husband, Jon, trying to get full custody of his eight kids. It`s a move that Kate`s lawyer slams as pathetic. All right?

Now, Jon claims Kate is an absentee mother. She`s trying to make some money. He pays her $20,000 a month and he`s out of work now. So he doesn`t have the money. He wants custody so that she will pay him the money, right?

POWERS: Well, that`s kind of like her deal. She`s like, I`m a single working mom, I have to do these things. And I think it`s really good timing that Jon is suddenly taking her to the court -- taking her to court as she`s announcing her new TV show, as she`s on "Dancing with the Stars" with the highest ratings ever. It`s cash cow right there.

VOS: Why would you want eight kids unless you`re opening a sweat shop? There`s no -- that conversation should -- first of all, that conversation between them should be, no, you take them. No, you take them. Ok?

(CROSSTALK)

POWERS: That`s almost what it is, though. Because they go to court, they fight for this custody, and basically, though, neither of them are spending time with their kids. I mean, "Us Weekly" has reported that - - you know Jon was gone for a whole month with his 25-year-old girlfriend in her parent`s fancy house.

And Kate -- you know she leaves and her parents run -- her kids run to the door crying, "Mommy". She has to get her mani-pedi before "Dancing with the Stars".

BEHAR: Since she`s been on the show, their numbers are up. They`re beating "American Idol" which is fascinating to me. What is the draw of her exactly? What is it about her?

LEVY: On a dancing show I can`t tell you because she cannot dance. The chair that I`m sitting in is a better dancing partner than I think -- certainly more cooperative than she is on that show. It does have more rhythm. Yes.

I have to think it`s the train wreck factor and the tabloid factor. People just want to see at this point how badly can she screw up this week? Honestly after the first two weeks that was like somebody dragging a house along.

VOS: I think -- I think people are watching because they think she`s going to drop number nine as she`s dancing.

BEHAR: Ok. Thank you very much.

Back in a minute with the always interesting Jesse Ventura. Stay there.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up a little later on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, comedy legend Carol Burnett stops by to reminisce about her extraordinary career in show business.

Now back to Joy.

BEHAR: Two stars of the GOP, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, joined forces yesterday in Minnesota before 11,000 adoring fans.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

REP. MICHELE BACHMANN (R), MINNESOTA: The last 18 months we have seen nothing less than an economic coup transpired before our eyes.

SARAH PALIN (R), FORMER GOVERNOR OF ALASKA: What`s happening to politicians especially in Washington, they`re becoming addicted to OPM -- O-P-M -- other people`s money.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: She is so witty.

Here to help he translate this gibberish are Matt Taibbi, contributing national affairs editor for "Rolling Stone" and Jesse Ventura, former Minnesota governor and author of "American Conspiracies: lie, lies and more dirty lies that the government tells us."

Welcome guys.

JESSE VENTURA, FORMER GOVERNOR OF MINNESOTA: Thank you.

BEHAR: You know these two women are getting famous; pretty famous in the country. Is it helping the GOP?

MATT TAIBBI, CONTRIBUTING EDITOR, "ROLLING STONE": I think it`s helping Sarah Palin. I think if the election were to happen today she`d be the runaway favorite for the nomination.

But the problem is if you add her to Michele Bachmann that`s a ticket that cannot win a general election. So I think the Democrats have to be thrilled that they`re doing this kind of road show together.

BEHAR: Yes. A lot of things they`re doing at the RNC are happy -- making the Democrats happy. Michael Steele, that whole S&M thing -- they`re loving it.

VENTURA: Well, to me, I can`t figure out how they can hold Sarah Palin in such esteem when she quit her job.

BEHAR: Yes.

VENTURA: You know, how come she`s not being questioned on why did you quit? Just to cash in and make a bunch of money and become wealthy?

BEHAR: Well, they give her a pass, Jesse.

VENTURA: I know.

BEHAR: I mean let me tell you what -- some of these things that they`ve said.

Bachmann has said, "I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous." That was Michele Bachmann. Then she also said, "A pedophile, someone who considers themselves gay," first of all, the term -- the one`s a plural and one`s a singular. That annoys me right there.

But is she a liar or is she just stupid when she says something like that? That is so not true.

VENTURA: Right.

TAIBBI: Michele Bachmann makes Sarah Palin look like Marie Curie; I mean she`s a complete ding bat. The more she gets on television the better the Democrats are going to do. I think this has to -- it`s a windfall for the Democratic Party.

VENTURA: I would go the other way. The country has been so dumbed- down now that she may be very successful because it seems to me that the dumber you are and the stupider you are on things you say and positions you take seems to make you more popular right now.

BEHAR: Is that why the Republican Party is -- you know -- takes these people under their wing? They want them to be stupid or they have no choice?

VENTURA: No, I think it`s more a case of these two are puppets and they can be controlled easy. And that`s what they`re looking for. They`re not looking for true leadership; they`re looking for puppets.

BEHAR: You think so? That`s interesting.

TAIBBI: I think it`s just that these are two politicians who resonate with a certain hardcore demographic within the Republican Party but they have absolutely no appeal beyond that. And that`s going to be a limiting factor for the Republicans.

BEHAR: I know, 11,000 people of adoring fans. Ok, big deal. We`re 300 million people in this country.

VENTURA: Well, you can also bet that the 11,000 is a bit pumped high. What`s interesting is when we did the counter-convention to the Republicans with Ron Paul there, Ron Paul and I drew over 15,000.

BEHAR: Oh, so you were a bigger hit than they were.

VENTURA: Oh, yes, we do bigger than that.

BEHAR: And you know Michele Bachmann is from your state. Your state is so interesting.

VENTURA: She`s actually my Congresswoman. I live in here district.

BEHAR: Uh-huh. Really. I mean you have Al Franken, Jesse Ventura and Michele Bachmann. Who ever thought Minnesota was so wacky? You know what I mean? You never think of --

VENTURA: If you call us wacky, what it really truly is, we`re the Mecca of the third-party movement. We have four major parties in Minnesota, not two.

We have my party, the Independents` Party, the Green Party, the Democrats and the Republicans. We all have major party status.

BEHAR: But do you think there will ever really be a viable third party in this country?

VENTURA: No, because the two parties won`t allow it. They make up the rules and they make the rules in essence so that a third party cannot survive. There`s where you`ll see the Republicans and Democrats get in bed together because anytime --

BEHAR: Against the third party?

VENTURA: Against the third party. Any time you see any rise of the third party you will see the Republicans and Democrats then climb into bed.

BEHAR: Go ahead Matt.

TAIBBI: I think the situation is right for a third party, national third party movement.

BEHAR: You do?

TAIBBI: I think both parties have demonstrated in the last eight years that they`re both completely in bed with Wall Street and that they`re incapable of reforming themselves.

And I think there`s widespread frustration out there. You`re seeing it among the Tea party folks and among people on the other side of the spectrum. So I think, you know, if there was a legitimate attractive candidate for the third party that would get a lot of attention.

BEHAR: Yes. Are you running right now?

VENTURA: No. I was just clearing my throat.

BEHAR: I think you`re right. The Tea party is filled with people who are pissed of --

TAIBBI: Correct.

BEHAR: -- and they`re on the right and the left in the country.

TAIBBI: And they should be.

VENTURA: Here`s the key to it, Joy. If you`re going to be a legitimate third-party candidate you cannot be farther left than the Democrats or farther right than the Republicans. You must be a centrist like me.

I`m fiscally conservative, but I`m socially liberal. That eliminates you from the two parties but it`s still centrist. That`s how I won. I occupied the center.

They had to sell out to their wings to get their nomination. Then they immediately beeline back to the center but they couldn`t defeat me because I already had the center. And it`s the center who elects you; not the left or the right. It`s which way they sway?

BEHAR: Isn`t it the way the Republican Party used to be, when Eisenhower was around? You know --

VENTURA: Oh, very much. Elmer Anderson, the former Minnesota governor, he gave me the best quote on abortion that I`ve ever heard. You know what it was? "Abortion is religion`s failure to persuade so now they must legislate." And that came from a Republican, an old Republican.

BEHAR: That`s an old Republican.

VENTURA: An old Republican.

BEHAR: Maybe it will go back to that eventually.

VENTURA: I don`t think so.

BEHAR: All right. After the rally the two starlets appeared on Hannity`s show where Sarah Palin surprisingly came to the defense of RNC chairman Michael Steele who is under fire after it was reported the RNC dropped $2,000 at a bondage-themed nightclub.

Watch.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PALIN: I support Michael Steele. I am glad that he is the leader of the party, administratively. I think it`s been good to have an independent outsider kind of create some change in the Republican Party.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: Would you conclude that she`s interested in bondage from that?

VENTURA: No, but what I find -- again, the initial, call it the double standard. Here are the Republicans who are supposed to stand for "family values". Yet behind the scenes they`re as decadent as anybody else walking around on the planet.

BEHAR: But they`re not -- they`re more annoyed with the fact that they spent all that money rather than it was a bondage club, right?

TAIBBI: That`s part of it. But you have to look at the irony of Sarah Palin sharing the stage with somebody who thought that "Aladdin" was pornography. And meanwhile she`s ok with Michael Steel who`s going off to S&M clubs. It doesn`t make a whole lot of sense.

BEHAR: Do you think she -- is she just a hypocrite or she doesn`t understand stuff. I never can figure it out.

TAIBBI: Both. That`s the beauty of Sarah Palin.

BEHAR: Yes. I mean "The Daily Beast` is reporting that the GOP spent $1,000 at Tiffany`s on office supplies. We`re thinking gold-plated nipple clamps. What did they buy? What did they buy?

TAIBBI: That`s actually only $900.

BEHAR: Oh, is it really? How much longer do you give Michael Steele?

VENTURA: I would say I`d give him through the election because I don`t think they want to show weakness and change at this point in time. I think that you`ll see him gone, especially if the results of the 2010 elections don`t come in the favor that they want.

BEHAR: And don`t you think that they`re worried that they can get into trouble by dismissing a black man?

TAIBBI: Absolutely. And he`s sort of sent off a warning flare about that just last week by saying that a black RNC chairman has a slimmer margin of error than maybe a white one would. And that`s kind of like a warning to say, you know, "If you fire me there`s going to be consequences among black Republicans."

BEHAR: Right. He said Obama is in the same margin.

TAIBBI: Exactly. Exactly.

BEHAR: He put him in the category with him.

TAIBBI: Right.

BEHAR: Why? They`re so inconsistent.

Ok. Stay right where you are. We`ll continue this after the break.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: During the Palin/Bachmann/Hannity love fest last night the two Republican divas bashed President Obama for signing a nuclear arms treaty. Watch.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PALIN: Unbelievable. Unbelievable. No administration in America`s history would, I think, ever have considered such a step that we just found out President Obama is supporting today. You know, that`s kind of like getting out there on the playground a bunch of kids ready to fight and one of the kids saying, go ahead, punch me in the face and I`m not going to retaliate.

BACHMANN: We need to be adults about terrorism and adults about keeping the American people safe.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: So are they right? Did Obama just sign away our safety?

TAIBBI: I don`t see how nuclear weapons are a deterrent against our real threat, terrorists. You can`t really use nuclear weapons against roving terrorists. These are outmoded weapons that are used to fight the old Cold War. And I think it`s sensible for us to have a cooperative agreement with the Russians.

BEHAR: Ok.

VENTURA: What I find most intriguing is what President Obama did here. It goes exactly with the pinnacle of the Republican who they want to put at Mt. Rushmore -- Ronald Reagan.

BEHAR: Right.

VENTURA: When you see what Ronald Reagan said about nuclear bombs when he made a speech in China, it paralleled Barack Obama completely to what he said. So how can they have it both ways? Reagan is their icon, and yet Reagan felt the same way about nuclear weapons as President Obama has.

BEHAR: Yes, that`s true.

VENTURA: Yes. How can they do that? How can Ronald Reagan, the greatest Republican of the century --

BEHAR: Oh my god, he`s canonized --

VENTURA: Yes. And yet he sits right where President Obama sat when you heard him talk about nuclear weapons. How quick they forget, huh?

BEHAR: That`s true.

But is it a false notion Democrats are weak on national security? I think it`s a false notion because after Bush invaded Iraq, we became much less safe around the world. More terrorists came out. And it really felt like we were less safe when he was there.

VENTURA: You know what bothers me, Joy, is here they`re talking about now building -- like I saw what`s his name -- the guy with the mustache that used to be in the U.N. --

TAIBBI: Bolton.

BEHAR: Bolton.

VENTURA: Bolton. Bolton`s talking about we need to build more nuclear weapons.

BEHAR: Yes, I know.

VENTURA: I`m going, excuse me, so we can`t have health care, you can`t go to the doctor but they`ll waste our money on building another bomb? How many times do you need the capability to blow up the earth? We already have that capability.

BEHAR: What is their point then? What are they trying to say? I`m wanting to --

VENTURA: That`s what they`re trying to say. They`re trying to scare the public into believing that we`re in some sort of mega-danger because Barack Obama signs a treaty with the Russians.

TAIBBI: And it`s going to work because this -- if there`s one thing every politician in Washington knows is that if you vote against any weapons system you`re going to be painted as soft on defense. And you`re going to have trouble losing and election. That`s why the defense budget always goes up regardless of what the situation is around the world.

BEHAR: But this seems a ridiculous argument in my opinion. I think people are not that stupid that they would think that if you reduce nuclear weapons in the world you will not be more -- you know safer. It`s outrageous.

TAIBBI: I cover the campaign -- both of the last two campaigns and I`ve seen this in action. People really believe that if you cut weapons systems it`s going to make this less safe. And I think it`s going to -- it will resonate with Republican voters.

BEHAR: Really?

VENTURA: Yes.

TAIBBI: Yes.

BEHAR: How do you rate Obama on foreign policy, in a word because we have to go.

VENTURA: I rate -- on foreign policy, other than increasing the wars I think he`s done exceptionally well on foreign policy. But I hate the fact that we`ve escalated the wars instead of pulled out.

BEHAR: He promised to go into Afghanistan and that`s what he did. Right?

TAIBBI: That`s true. That`s true.

BEHAR: You know, but Palin calls him professor-in-chief. Why does she hate smart people?

Thanks very much, guys.

Up next, the legendary Carol Burnett stops by.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

CAROL BURNETT: You wrote a poem about me you would like to read? All right. Why don`t you stand up and read it? What`s your name?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Danny Krueger.

BURNETT: Hi, Danny.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hi. I`m in love with a wonderful girl, but there`s a catch, oh, brother. The girl I love this glorious girl is old enough to be my mother.

BURNETT: Sit down, Danny.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

JOY BEHAR, HLN HOST: Well that was, of course, was Carol Burnett doing what she does best. Getting laughs. On stage, in films, and for 11 years on the legendary "CAROL BURNETT SHOW" she put smiles on faces all across America. And I`m smiling just having her here for sure. Welcome so much. Her new book is called "This Time Together, Laughter and Reflection." Carol?

CAROL BURNETT, ACTRESS/COMEDIAN: Hi, honey.

BEHAR: You know, I just think you`re the greatest. Everyone clapped when you walked in because, no one else got that so far.

BURNETT: Really?

BEHAR: They clap after they`re done, but not when they walk in. Like when the queen of England would walk.

BURNETT: Hello, everyone, hello. Where`s my pocketbook?

BEHAR: She can`t dress for nothing.

BURNETT: Oh --

BEHAR: Poor thing. So, you know, the adlibbing you did there, the Q&A part, it was not easy to do. In those days no one did that really.

BURNETT: Well you know what, I got the idea from Garry Moore when I was on his show as a regular. Back many the covered wagon days. Garry would go out and warm up the audience, instead of having a comedian tell jokes.

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: So he would go out, bump up the lights and take questions from -

BEHAR: Right.

BURNETT: But they never taped it, he just did that. So when my own show was going to be done, my executive producer, Bob Banner said, you know, Carol, they should -- you should come out and let the audience get to know you as a person before you start putting on the fright wigs and blacking out the teeth and wearing the fat suits.

BEHAR: Uh huh.

BURNETT: You know? And I said, oh, I couldn`t do that. I couldn`t -- he said, like Garry used to do. I said, oh, no, I wouldn`t be that smart or quick. You know, well he said, do like two or three weeks. We`ll try it. When we were just going to go on the air.

BEHAR: Uh huh.

BURNETT: See how you feel. You know? And I`ll never forget the first time that we were taping our first show and I kind of walked out and I was, hi -- I was scared that nobody would raise their hands and then I was terrified that somebody would.

BEHAR: Uh-huh.

BURNETT: And I was just -- I was awful. You know, but then finally somebody said, who`s on tonight? You know, I told them who our guest was. Then the following week I did it. I felt a little bit better. Then by the third week people in the audience had seen the show and they were kind of aware that we were going to do this. So then a lot of hands started shoots up and I don`t know, I just kind of took to it -

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: And I didn`t want any plants in the audience or anything because that would be too phony.

BEHAR: Yes that would ruin it.

BURNETT: No. So then it became one of my patient favorite things in the show.

BEHAR: Everybody loved it.

BURNETT: I loved doing it.

BEHAR: You know, you`re a natural. You were so naturally funny. No matter what you would say would have worked.

BURNETT: The audience, too, some of those -- those were doozies.

BEHAR: Yes, that`s right.

BURNETT: Some of them were really good.

BEHAR: Let me talk about some of your co-stars who are wonderful. You won 25 -- the show won 25 Emmys.

BURNETT: Yes.

BEHAR: It was really a tremendous hit. Which I think was the precursor to "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" in many ways.

BURNETT: Well, it was on when we were on.

BEHAR: It was?

BURNETT: Yes "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," yes.

BEHAR: Oh.

BURNETT: It`s been on forever.

BEHAR: That went on in 1975.

BURNETT: It was on forever. Yes.

BEHAR: And you`ve made -- wonderful stars, wonderfully funny people. I mean the late wonderfully funny Harvey Korman. She just died last year. I miss him. I didn`t know him but I miss him.

BURNETT: I miss him, too.

BEHAR: You used to crack up over Tim all the time. What was it about Tim Conway that made you laugh so hard? All of you?

BURNETT: He`s the funniest man I know. That`s what made me laugh. No but we would tape two shows on Friday.

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: The 5:00 show, we`d call it the dress rehearsal. And we would tape that as a backup. And Tim would always do that show the way we`d rehearsed it. Then he would go to our director before the second show and the second new audience was coming in and said, Dave, did you get all the shots? And Dave did. And he`d say, well, for instance, in the hotel sketch when I go over to the window this time instead of being on a head to waist shot be on a head to toe shot. That`s all he would say.

BEHAR: That`s all the director knew?

BURNETT: That`s all the director knew. The crew -- everybody -- we didn`t know what he was going to do. You know, but he had thought up some bit of business that he was going to do on the air show that would crack everybody up. So we were helpless. Especially poor Harvey.

BEHAR: Poor Harvey.

BURNETT: Yes. Tim got him -- I think Tim`s goal in life was to destroy Harvey. I really think it was -- and it got to the point where there was going to be -- we called him the Tim and Harvey sketches. Harvey was just terrified. He was a consummate actor. Such a professional. He hated himself for letting Tim get to him. It would come to a point where just before they were going to say a word, OK, cameras on and here we`re going to do the sketch. And Tim would just say, do this to Harvey. Just look at him. Harvey was gone. He was just the expectation of what Tim was going to do --

BEHAR: Cracked him up.

BURNETT: Sent Harvey around the bend.

BEHAR: The other person that was interesting in those days was Lucille Ball who was on your show a lot. When you think of comedic female icons, Lucy and Carol, you know, Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, these are the ladies that really cracked everybody up. And yet people tell me Lucy was never funny off the air.

BURNETT: She was very serious.

BEHAR: Very serious.

BURNETT: She was funny. She had a great sense of humor but she was never on.

BEHAR: No.

BURNETT: Not at all.

BEHAR: But she had to run the studio, didn`t she, when she broke up with Desi Arnaz?

BURNETT: Yes. I have a story about that.

BEHAR: Tell me.

BURNETT: I guess I can tell it on television.

BEHAR: We`ll bleep it if it`s -- don`t worry.

BURNETT: Well, she was on our show and so my husband, Joe Hamilton, who had produced "THE GARRY MOORE SHOW" was producing our show. I was never confrontational. I -- if -- you know, if Jackie Gleeson or Sid Cesar didn`t like a sketch they`d go to the writers and they`d say, you know, this stinks, write something else.

BEHAR: Right.

BURNETT: This ain`t working. Get me something funnier.

BEHAR: Well Sid Cesar notoriously almost threw Mel Brooks out the window because he didn`t like the material.

BURNETT: He held him upside down. Maybe that`s what`s wrong with Mel now. I don`t know. I couldn`t do that. If something wasn`t working I would be, oh gosh, guys, you know, I may not be saying this right what you wrote. And I`m so sorry. Could you maybe help me out here? That`s what I would do.

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: Now, whereas -- Joe would say, this stinks, make it better. I was having dinner with Lucy at the farmer`s market. We were between rehearsals. We were waiting to do the band rehearsal Thursday night. We were having some Chinese food and everything, and she said -- she called me kid. She said, you know, kid, you`re really lucky to have Joe be the bad cop, you know, because you can come in and be just -- I said, well, I couldn`t -- I couldn`t confront anybody anyway, Lucy. She said, well, I was that way. She said, you know when I was married to the Cuban he was -- he did everything. He made it right. He did -- the scripts were terrific. He knew what he wanted and the lighting.

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: And all I had to come in and be Lucy Monday mornings and read the show and go do it and we`d be fine. Then they got a divorce. And then she got another show, I think it was, like, "THE LUCY SHOW," -

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: She had a couple others - you know with Gale Gordon --

BEHAR: Yes and Vivian Vance. Right.

BURNETT: And Vivian, and so she came in that Monday morning and she read the script. And it was terrible. And she thought, oh my god, what am I going to do? I just -- you know, Desi`s not here to -- she said, OK, everybody, let`s break for lunch. You know, and so she went into her office and she thought about it. She said, I`ve got to be strong. I`ve got to be strong. And she said, I went back out and I told everybody just exactly what I thought and, kid, that`s when they put the "S" on the end of my last name.

BEHAR: Lucille ball, plural, is a great name.

BURNETT: Isn`t that great?

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: Oh she cracked me up.

BEHAR: But it was hard. It`s hard for women to really be assertive like that.

BURNETT: It was then. I don`t know if it`s that hard now. Back then --

BEHAR: Well what do you guys think?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You`re fine.

BEHAR: All right. And but, you know, who makes you laugh anyway? Who makes you laugh?

BURNETT: Conway still.

BEHAR: He still makes you laugh?

BURNETT: You go out to dinner with him you have to know the Heimlich maneuver.

BEHAR: Really?

BURNETT: You`ll just choke.

BEHAR: He starts up wherever he is?

BURNETT: He has a funny take on everything. You know, and well, who makes me -- you make me laugh.

BEHAR: Oh, that`s sweet.

BURNETT: You do.

BEHAR: You don`t have to say that.

BURNETT: OK. I`ll take it back.

BEHAR: I`m going to stop you there because we have to take a break.

BURNETT: OK.

BEHAR: But just get comfortable and we`ll be back with the wonderful Carol Burnett and just a minute.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BURNETT: What brings you to terror --

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You, you vixen, you. I love you. That gown is gorgeous.

BURNETT: Thank you. I saw you out in the window and I just couldn`t resist it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: Oh that dress is legendary. And that was one of the funniest moments on "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW." And I`m happy to have the one and only Carol Burnett with me now. She`s also the author of the new book "This Time Together." So you were raised by your grandma.

BURNETT: Yes.

BEHAR: Who I read that she was married six times.

BURNETT: Well, yes. I didn`t know it at first. She told me only three. And then --

BEHAR: She was a hot number, your grandmother.

BURNETT: Yes, she was. She really was. In fact, when she died she was 81. She had a 40-year-old boyfriend who was a jazz musician from Rodondo Beach.

BEHAR: Really? Wow.

BURNETT: I remember I came out to see her in Hollywood. I had put her in an apartment and everything, so I went in to show her some photographs or something. We were visiting and I was showing her some pictures and I`d been living in New York. And she had this kind of green Japanese lantern over her couch. I said, nanny, let me just take this Japanese lantern off here so you can see better. She said, don`t you touch that, that`s my love light.

BEHAR: Oh, well, excuse me. And the -- you used to tug on your ear.

BURNETT: That was for her.

BEHAR: So sweet. Every week. That was a thing about you that everybody knows about.

BURNETT: Well, thanks.

BEHAR: Such a great thing. And the other thing is, you know, I know that you -- in your book you talk about how your parents struggled with alcoholism and everything. I`m interested in the fact you sued "The National Enquirer" and won the lawsuit. I don`t know if you`ve told that story on television.

BURNETT: Well what happened, I was back there. I was going to perform at the White House and I was with the -- our conductor. We were going to do something -- it was when the Fords were in. And so we all went to a restaurant one night. My conductor and the writers and so forth. And we were in this Washington, D.C., restaurant and I kind of -- it was kind of empty. Then across the way was Dr. Kissinger with a couple of people whom I knew and all, but -- and as we finished dinner and we were leaving I was introduced to him. He said, it`s very nice to meet you and I`ll be looking forward to you at the White House tomorrow and all that. So that was it.

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: Next thing I know, in a couple weeks or whatever, said Carol Burnett was running around the such and such restaurant in D.C. spilling wine on people and forcing Henry Kissinger to drink wine and spilling wine all over his tie. I mean, it was just bizarre.

BEHAR: And the idea that anybody could force Kissinger to do anything.

BURNETT: You know, I tried.

BEHAR: A lot of people have tried.

BURNETT: And so I thought, that`s not right. You know, especially when I came from that background. I just -- really --

BEHAR: Made you mad.

BURNETT: So I sued them. And I -- it went for five years. You know, the lawsuit.

BEHAR: You were relentless.

BURNETT: I was. I was. I just decided they`re not going to do that. So it went to a jury trial. Then they did prove not malice aforethought. You can`t prove that but you can prove reckless disregard for the truth. And they even found a memo that they presented at court that said Carol Burnett and Henry Kissinger were in such and such a restaurant last night. What can we make of this?

BEHAR: Wow, wow.

BURNETT: Yes. So that really nailed it. You know? And so -- before the trial was over, and I was still, you know, worried about it and it was in the newspapers every day and everything, and I went -- before I was going to go to court that day I dropped in on my doctor to get a vitamin shot. You know it was really stressful. And I walked into the doctor`s office and there was Barbara Stanwyck.

BEHAR: Oh.

BURNETT: Wonderful Barbara Stanwyck.

BEHAR: Brilliant.

BURNETT: She was in her 70s. Beautiful gray hair. She had on pearls and lovely suit. I didn`t know she was a patient of my doctor. But she smiled at me and I smiled back, you know? Barbara Stanwyck, wow. One of the great movie stars -- I grew up watching her. And she said, you`re going to win this case. I said, oh thank you, thank you, Ms. Stanwyck, from your lips to god`s ears. Thank you. She said, no, I mean, I know you`re going to win this case. Well, you don`t argue with Barbara Stanwyck.

BEHAR: No. She`s from Brooklyn.

BURNETT: She said, well, I know you are. I said, well, great. She said, my leprechaun told me.

BEHAR: Oh, her leprechaun. OK.

BURNETT: I said, excuse me? And she said, my leprechaun told -- they exist all right. And he said that you`re going to whip their ass.

BEHAR: Her leprechaun. This is like beyond --

BURNETT: Is that unbelievable? And she said, now, you just get some rest and you know you`re going to --

BEHAR: But it`s beyond Shirley MacLaine.

BURNETT: Yes.

BEHAR: You know what I mean, it`s like, a leprechaun. Oh, wow.

BURNETT: Isn`t that wild?

BEHAR: Yes. It`s so cute you were star struck.

BURNETT: Oh, sure.

BEHAR: We`ll be right back in a minute with more -- with Carol Burnett. You`re star struck.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: I`m back with Carol Burnett. OK, we`re going to have some Facebook and Twitter questions now. Where does Carol keep her Emmys?

BURNETT: At home.

BEHAR: Just in the house, any specific place?

BURNETT: There`s a couple of shelves I put them on.

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: It`s kind of the media room where we watch television.

BEHAR: Yes, do you dust them?

BURNETT: I go and I hold them and do my thank you speeches quite often.

BEHAR: OK.

(LAUGHTER)

BEHAR: Did you ever turn down any parts that you wish you hadn`t?

BURNETT: No.

BEHAR: OK, what is your biggest regret, if you have any?

BURNETT: My biggest regret. I don`t really have one.

BEHAR: No? You and my aunt Rose, she had no regrets either.

BURNETT: I wouldn`t be where I am, as lucky, even with the bad things that happened or did happen, whatever, there was a reason. So --

BEHAR: OK, do you like doing comedy or drama? People don`t know, I don`t think they are really aware what a good dramatic actress you are.

BURNETT: Thank you.

BEHAR: So which do you refer?

BURNETT: Comedy.

BEHAR: Why?

BURNETT: Because it makes me feel happy when people are laughing.

BEHAR: That`s the best.

BURNETT: That`s it.

BEHAR: And you can`t really control it?

BURNETT: No, it`s wonderful.

BEHAR: You can`t manipulate it the way you can with drama sometimes.

BURNETT: Yes, exactly.

BEHAR: Do you consider your life a success, you just answered that, I think.

OK let`s see are you willing to do "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"? We would love to see you do that.

BURNETT: Sure. Yes. Sure.

BEHAR: You hear that, Lorne Michaels.

Would you return to TV if the right project became available.

BURNETT: Not weekly.

BEHAR: No that`s a grind.

BURNETT: No I wouldn`t want to do that. Well ours wasn`t a grind. It`s so easy.

BEHAR: And fun.

BURNETT: I know you can`t do that again! You know so -

BEHAR: Yes.

BURNETT: I did some guest shots on some sitcoms a few years ago. And there`s 22 minutes of show right because of the commercials and stuff like that.

BEHAR: That`s right.

BURNETT: They would go for five hours or six hours.

BEHAR: Oh that`s so annoying, yes.

BURNETT: Like they we`re making a movie. You know I was like, get me out of here. Our show, we would take sometimes an hour and 15 minutes, with all those costume changes, weighed be out in two hours.

BEHAR: Wow, wow!

BURNETT: Yes.

BEHAR: Because you were on didn`t you play -- whose mother did you play in a sitcom recently?

BURNETT: Helen Hunt. "MAD ABOUT YOU".

BEHAR: What do you think about today`s TV programming, they want to know. Do you think your show would have made it on TV now?

BURNETT: I think funny is funny.

BEHAR: You can`t book a variety show.

BURNETT: Yes today, you can`t do what we did or Flip Wilson did or smothers brothers Sonny and Cher, we were all on at the same time. And because of money.

BEHAR: It`s so expensive?

BURNETT: It`s very expensive, I mean we had a 28 piece live orchestra, we had 12 dancer -

BEHAR: Wow.

BURNETT: We had two major guest stars a week, our rep company and 55 costumes by Bob Mackey every week.

BEHAR: Wow.

BURNETT: So that`s prohibitive today. It would -- the prices would be --

BEHAR: Even though they paid the people from "FRIENDS" a million dollar an episode, it still would have been more expensive to have a variety show?

BURNETT: I think so. I don`t know.

BEHAR: See this is why reality shows are possible.

BURNETT: Well they`re $1.98.

BEHAR: $1.98, Carol I can`t tell you what a pleasure it is to have you here and see you.

BURNETT: Oh darling.

BEHAR: Everyone is so loving you.

BURNETT: Thank you.

BEHAR: Her book is called "This Time Together, Laughter and Reflection" Good night, everybody.

END