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CNN LARRY KING LIVE
Celebrating the White House Correspondents Dinner
Aired May 1, 2010 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
LARRY KING, HOST (voice-over): Tonight President George W. Bush.
STEVE BRIDGES, "GEORGE W. BUSH": Look, Larry, I am a uniter. Not a divider. Seriously, I can't divide.
KING: President Bill Clinton.
STEVE BRIDGES, "BILL CLINTON": I'm more nervous than Dick Cheney's best hunting dog.
KING: Stephen Colbert.
STEPHEN COLBERT, HOST, "THE COLBERT REPORT": But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that -- that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality.
KING: And Wanda Sykes.
WANDA SYKES, COMEDIAN: Even the media, you know, you guys have been very favorable towards the president. You know, it's funny to me that they've never caught you smoking but they somehow always catch you with your shirt off.
KING: Next on LARRY KING LIVE.
KING: Welcome to a very special weekend edition of LARRY KING LIVE. The black ties and cocktail dresses are out in Washington tonight where the White House Correspondents' Association is under way, and as usual, we expect lots of great comedy, lots of laughs. And over the years, I've interviewed some of the best political comedians and impersonators around.
In 2006, I sat down with Steve Bridges, remember him? His dead- on impersonation of George W. Bush at that year's gala gave us two presidents for the price of one. Great stuff.
GEORGE W. BUSH, 43RD PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Members of the White House Correspondents' Association, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen, here I am.
"BUSH": Here I am at another one of these dang press dinners. Could be home asleep. Little Barney curled up at my feet. But no, I got to pretend I like being here.
KING: Mr. President.
BRIDGES: Hey, Larry, good to see you. Great to see you.
KING: Welcome aboard.
BRIDGES: Thank you, thank you, a pleasure to be here. It's -- thanks for having me. It's always good to face the media, set the record straight.
KING: You've had some differences with the media.
BRIDGES: It's true. You're darn right I have. You know, the media makes -- makes -- it makes me look like I'm not smart by emphasizing when I mis-announce a word. And that's just non-fair, you know? And it's a good thing, Larry, that I can turn a phrase. Because I can. I can turn it upside down, inside-out, down-side in, I can turn it. But usually when it's all said and done it comes out the way I want it.
KING: You're really getting into it. You feel that the media misrepresents you?
"BUSH": Absolutely. Listen, listen, I never pretended to be the smartest -- the brightest bulb in the knife drawer, but I did attend an ivory league school. I just -- I never let it go to my head.
KING: You've faced with a lot of criticism, Mr. President, let's be frank about it. Your Medicare plan has come under major criticism, being too complicated.
BRIDGES: Listen, I know a lot of folks are confused about -- they're confused with the D section. But I can assure them that it's not a whole lot more painful than the old C-section.
BRIDGES: It's true.
KING: Do you still believe it's working?
BRIDGES: Absolutely, the Medicare plan is working. Listen, this is a substantial increase in Medicare coverage. And this increase will cover all of our seniors and senoritas. Let me just tell you something... KING: Forgive me for laughing.
BRIDGES: Yes, that's all right.
KING: You have a way with words.
BRIDGES: Yes, yes. Let me tell you something, Larry, older citizens face the highest risk of death in this country.
KING: No kidding?
BRIDGES: Seniors die every day. I declare a war on natural causes. We're going after them.
KING: What are the accomplishments in the office, in your administration, that you are most proud of?
BRIDGES: Well, I'll tell you what, I have -- I have pushed this Congress to make -- to make a lot of changes. I urge them to abolish the marriage penalty. The marriage penalty is wrong. Being married is penalty enough.
KING: I know you're joking about the first lady. And speaking of Laura, does our first lady play a big part in your decisions?
BRIDGES: Hang on, let me give her a call and ask her.
KING: Speaking of marriage...
KING: ... you recently tried to amend the Constitution to ban gay marriage. Was this a political ploy, frankly, to rally the base?
BRIDGES: No, no, not at all, it was not political. My feelings are well-known on the issue of gay marriage. And let me just say this about gay marriage, Larry. You -- you can't make folks have a gay marriage. Sure, at first, there's the wedding cake and the dancing, but after that, it gets tough. Real tough.
KING: But you're against gays marrying, aren't you?
BRIDGES: No, I'm all for it. I think that a gay man ought to be able to marry any woman he wants.
But let me just get back to something serious, to my proudest moment. You asked about my proudest moment. I think it would be maintaining a strong economy while spreading freedom all around the world.
KING: Well, the Fed is raising interest rates, once again. Is that a sign that the administration, frankly, is worried about the economy?
BRIDGES: No. Listen, Larry, as you know, I inherited a recession from my last administration, but I assure you that I'm all over this economy, both at home, globally, and abroad. We are. We're on it. I'm serious.
KING: Are you worried about national debt?
BRIDGES: No, don't worry about the debt.
KING: Don't worry about it.
BRIDGES: No, it's my problem. And I'm not worried about it.
KING: But we're facing an enormous national debt, do you have some sort of plan to deal with it?
BRIDGES: I do. I do. I'm asked every day. Mr. President, what about the debt? And I understand these concerns. I'm not worried, but I understand the concerns. And my plan is a proposal that I've just put before Congress to sell Canada. And...
KING: Sell Canada?
BRIDGES: They ain't using half of it.
KING: What about your border crisis with Mexico?
BRIDGES: Larry, I don't think it's a crisis.
BRIDGES: We have a lot of folks sneaking across the border in order to find a better way of life. And upon seeing our gas prices, they're sneaking back. It's a win-win.
KING: Good point.
KING: But you welcome immigrants, right? You want them to come.
BRIDGES: Absolutely. It is my hope that foreigners just, like American citizens, can come to America, they find good jobs, good high-paying jobs that will eventually be lost overseas to China.
KING: Why did you decide to use armed National Guardsmen to watch the border with Mexico? BRIDGES: Because Dick Cheney wasn't available.
KING: Seriously though, does the National Guard have the resources to handle the demand?
BRIDGES: Yes, there are plenty of guardspeople. I'm even putting National Guard troops along the border with Puerto Rico. I'm still not sure if they're a part of our country or not. I know they're -- they're sort of a state. They're not a state. It's weird. They ought to make up their mind. What's their deal?
KING: We'll be right back with the President of the United States.
BUSH: I'm absolutely delighted to be here, as is Laura.
BRIDGES: She's hot.
BRIDGE: Muy caliente.
KING: We're back with the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush.
You have made some changes in personnel recently. Are you planning any more changes?
BRIDGES: Who, me, what? No, I'm not going. I'm staying.
KING: Is Dick Cheney staying?
BRIDGES: Oh, yes, yes, Dick is staying, yes, yes, I think he is, yes.
KING: I don't think you two are allowed in the same place anymore, is that right?
KING: Well, that's what I hear.
BRIDGES: Well, yes, it's true. I never know where Dick Cheney is, you know. If I'm the decider, he's the hider. Seriously, I never know where he is these days. There's days I'm sitting in the Oval Office, I just walk out into the hallway and yell, Marco. (LAUGHTER)
KING: Now in your cabinet you're standing by Donald Rumsfeld as secretary of defense.
BRIDGES: Yes, absolutely, absolutely. I have absolute faith in our secretary of defense. Look, Rumpy (ph), people don't know, he's doing a good job. People don't talk about the progress that we're making in Iraq. I think it's important to remember that Iraq has now had free elections, not expensive ones like here in America. There's a big difference.
And we're rebuilding Iraq, Larry, and we will continue to rebuild Iraq. Otherwise, there will be a space between Iran and Jordan.
KING: Never thought of that. Is Osama bin Laden still a big concern?
BRIDGES: Oh, we're going to get him. We're going to get Osama. We know a lot about him. He's a terrible man who thinks that this is just a game and this isn't a game. So, come out, come out wherever you are. That sucker can hide.
KING: You must be very pleased with the job that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is doing.
BRIDGES: I am. Condi is a fabulous secretary of state. She's a wonderful woman, very smart, keeps me informed, reads the newspapers.
KING: Some folks around the world see America as frankly a bit of a bully.
BRIDGES: Well, I dare them to come say it to my face. Look, Larry, I am a uniter, not a divider, seriously. I can't divide not worth a lick. But with Condi's help, a wonderful secretary of state, I have learned to adapt to different cultures.
Now when I'm in Russia, I walk like a Russian. When I'm in Egypt, I'll walk like an Egyptian. I'm sensitive now to different customs. You know what they say, when in Rome do as the Romanians do.
KING: So you believe that we're making progress in the area of foreign policy?
BRIDGES: Absolutely. Look, 25 years ago there were 45 democracies. Today there are 122 democracies. Some of them I ain't even heard of. There's a Bulgaria and Sambuca (ph) and Utah and Costa Monica. We got all the icky-stans behind us, Larry, the icky-stans are here.
KING: You're still though, let's be frank, facing serious threats from North Korea.
BRIDGES: Yes, we are and we're going to deal with it. You know, one of the questions I face is, why can't we unite North and South Korea? And I say to people, be patient, we haven't united North and South Dakota yet, but we will. It takes time but we're going to. We're going to. And, tell you something else, we will bring Kim Jong Il to justice but the how and why is for the Iraqi people to decide. I feel strongly about that.
KING: Have you seen Al Gore's movie on global warming?
BRIDGES: No, I haven't, but I will. I'll take a look at it. Look, global warming is a tough sell in Washington, D.C. Nobody in political office wants to reduce the amount of hot air. In our nation's capital, that is our greatest resource.
KING: Back with more of President George W. Bush, or at least someone who looks and sounds very much like him, right after this.
BUSH: The media really ticks me off. The way they try to embarrass me by not editing what I say.
KING: During the tsunami and Hurricane Katrina, you enlisted the help of your father and Bill Clinton.
BRIDGES: Yes, yes. Dad and President Clinton, they've done some great work for disaster relief. They spent a lot of time consoling people who have lost their homes. They both know what it's like to lose a home, the very same home.
KING: Does it surprise you they get along so well?
BRIDGES: No, no, no, it doesn't. It doesn't surprise me at all. It helps keep Mr. Clinton out of trouble. It's like sending your college kid on spring break with Mr. Rogers. I just think it's a kick in the pants. Mom calls it "dad's inappropriate relationship."
KING: So, you've become friends?
BRIDGES: Absolutely. I respect President Clinton. I do. He was the first Democrat to win a campaign since Jimmy Carter. That's not an easy task. Democrats have lost more than the Jamaican bobsled team. But I do, I admire President Clinton. He was the first president not to improve health care, the first president not to put an end to lobbyists, first president not to catch Osama bin Laden.
KING: Have you been to his library?
BRIDGES: Yes, I have. I have, yes. I understand they call it the William Jefferson Clinton Library.
BRIDGES: It sounded better than "Bubba's Books."
KING: Are you worried about Bill Clinton helping Hillary Clinton in her campaign?
BRIDGES: No, I'm not. I mean, I think we all know that Hillary sort of wears the pants in the family. I mean, Bill has got pants, he just doesn't like to wear them.
BRIDGES: I'll get in trouble for that, just kidding.
KING: You bet.
BRIDGES: Shame on me.
KING: That will be in the papers. Do you talk to President Clinton regularly?
BRIDGES: We do. We do.
KING: Oh, good.
BRIDGES: Yes, yes, we swap e-mails. He's -- what's that? He's firstname.lastname@example.org.
BRIDGES: He'd love to hear from you.
KING: Mr. President, are you, frankly, concerned about your recent poll numbers?
BRIDGES: Look, my aides tell me I'm not very popular in the polls. I told them I'm not very popular with Americans either. Listen, I want to -- if I want to be loved with the polls, I would have run for president in Poland, ridiculous.
KING: Is it true that your brother Jeb might run in 2008?
BRIDGES: I hope so. He could lose a couple of pounds. He ought to start running right now. I'm in all sorts of hot water today.
KING: Do you believe that history, that great book of history, will be kind to you?
BRIDGES: Absolutely. I always did well in history. It's math and spelling that kick my butt. Listen, Larry, I will trust the judgment of the American people. I know I've done a wonderful job and when it's all said and done, I will leave the White House with my head held high. I'll do it and do it proudly. I'll tell you one thing, though, I ain't leaving the toilet seat down.
KING: The hugely talented Steve Bridges. He'll be back later this hour as President Clinton. But when we return, Stephen Colbert and some controversial comedy you will not want to miss.
KING: On this White House Correspondents' Dinner night, we want to take you back to the 2006 event and Stephen Colbert's appearance. Funny, yes. But not exactly a barrel of laughs for President Bush. Watch.
COLBERT: Tonight it is my privilege to celebrate this president, because we're not so different, he and I. We both get it. Guys like us, we're not some brainiacs on the nerd patrol, we're not members of the factinista (ph). We go straight to the gut, right, sir?
That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. Now I know some of you are going to say I did look it up and that's not true.
COLBERT: That's because you looked it up in a book. Next time look it up in your gut. I did. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
COLBERT: I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
COLBERT: Most of all, I believe in this president. Now I know there are some polls out there saying that that this man has a 32 percent approval rating. But guys like us, we don't -- we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that -- that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
COLBERT: So, Mr. President, please, please, pay no attention to the people who say that the glass is half full, 32 percent means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty because 32 percent means it's two-thirds empty. There's still some liquid in that glass, is my point. But I wouldn't drink it. Last third is usually backwash.
OK. I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.
The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man's beliefs never will.
KING: Next, President Clinton with a twist. Don't go away. And that was an executive order.
DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR: Hello, everyone. Don Lemon here at the CNN World Headquarters here in Atlanta. A special edition of LARRY KING LIVE continues in just a moment, but first, I want to give you some of your headlines.
President Barack Obama will get a firsthand look at the oil spill in the Gulf Coast when he heads to the region tomorrow. The fast- growing slick is closing in on fragile coastal wetlands and is already affecting the area's fishing industry. It's already the size of Puerto Rico. A state of emergency is in effect from Louisiana all the way to Florida.
The governor of Massachusetts has declared a state of emergency after a catastrophic break in a pipe that supplies Boston with water. Officials warn that tap water in the entire area should be boiled before drinking, 8 million gallons are leaking out of the pipe every hour. As many as 2 million people may be affected by that break.
Heavy rains and flooding are soaking much of Tennessee. The floods have forced several hundred people to evacuate their homes near Memphis. And Memphis police say many streets are impassable because of the high waters. At least five people have died in central Tennessee, in and around the Nashville area.
Memphis looked bad, but the video coming in from near Nashville is really just incredible. Let's check in now with CNN's Jacqui Jeras for an update -- Jacqui.
JACQUI JERAS, CNN METEOROLOGIST: Yes, Don, it's actually really bad all across Tennessee. Since this morning, some locations have had more than a foot of rainfall. There you can see video. This is from I-24 in Nashville, and 70 vehicles were submerged in this area. And there you can see, an annex building which was washed away in the river, and then just crumbled apart as it hit up against this bridge and into these vehicles.
We do know at a minimum three people have lost their lives in the flooding today across the state of Tennessee. And unfortunately, the situation continues to compound and will get worse, we think, throughout the weekend as more rain is in the forecast.
Now this is very widespread. It's just not Memphis and just not Nashville. All of this green that you see here is where we have flash flood warnings. That means where warnings and flooding is already taking place, and watches that you can see into the darker green, which extends from Ohio all the way down to Louisiana.
In addition to flooding, we've got tornadoes to talk about tonight. We've got a plethora of watches in effect. These two watches that you see right here are what we call PDS watches or "particularly dangerous situations" where we could see very large and violent tornadoes be very destructive and stay on the ground for long periods of time, much like the tornadoes that we saw last weekend in Mississippi.
We've got multiple warnings. At one time this evening, we had almost half the state of Arkansas under a tornado warning. And you can see all of these purplish boxes where we have Doppler radar- indicated tornadoes, but nothing on the ground.
There were some reports of possible damage north of Conway earlier this evening. We will continue to monitor this situation and break in as necessary. But, Don, this is one of those few rare high- risk nights that we have here across the Mississippi Valley and (INAUDIBLE) region. People need to have their NOAA weather radios on tonight. And stay in the basement if they can.
LEMON: Jacqui, good advice. Thank you very much.
As Jacqui said, we will break in if the situation warrants it. And won't you join us at the top of the hour for live coverage of the White House Association -- Correspondents' Association Dinner. We're going to have that for you. The president and Jay Leno will speak at the top of the hour, live.
Meantime, LARRY KING LIVE continues right now.
KING: As our special presidential edition of LARRY KING LIVE continues, it's now our great pleasure to welcome the 42nd president of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton.
BRIDGES: Thank you.
KING: Mr. President, thank you for being on the show with us.
BRIDGES: Well, thank you, Larry, for having me. I'll tell you, I haven't been on TV in quite a while. So I'm more nervous than Dick Cheney's best hunting dog.
KING: You seem to though have done a lot of interviews lately, any reason for this?
BRIDGES: Well, I'll tell you what, I've got a lot of projects in the works and I want to be very clear on this one point. I am hiding from Hillary.
BRIDGES: I'm kidding you, man. I'm kidding you. She'd have loved to be here, Larry, if nothing else just to say hi and roll her eyes.
KING: I understand you're also busy on the speaking circuit right?
BRIDGES: I am. I am. I've been touring my one man show. Hillary calls it the "Wizard of Is."
KING: And she approves of you traveling on the circuit?
BRIDGES: Well, early on I thought about being a motivational speaker, but Hillary frowned on my motivations. So now I just speak about my foundation. And then I hang around and I take photos. They're only 200 bucks apiece and they're 300 if you want them provocative.
KING: You seem to have mended your marital relationship. Have you found peace at home?
BRIDGES: Well, that's a good question. I'll say this. Hillary did spend a few months watching the movie "Kill Bill." But we've reestablished trust with a lot of love and a lot of patience.
KING: What's the toughest part about being an ex-president?
BRIDGES: You know, the toughest part is losing the job title. That's the toughest part of all. I mean, without the title I'm just another Rhodes scholar named Bubba.
KING: Have you see Al Gore's movie?
BRIDGES: You know what, I have. And I think it's an important -- it's an important film to see. I think everybody ought to see that. I will say this. Al was a good vice president.
And, if you will look closely at his record during his eight years in office, you'll see that he never shot a single American. He just invented the Internet and e-mail so we could all be spammed to death.
KING: Do you feel Dick Cheney should have been censored in some way?
BRIDGES: Not at all, no. I was a little miffed that he shot the only lawyer in America that I don't owe money to.
BRIDGES: But you know what, I understand Dick's dilemma. I hunted Dan Quayle. Boy, I'll tell you, back in the '90s I wish I'd have shot a few of them lawyers. I really do.
KING: So you don't resent the Republicans for their attacks on you while you were in office?
BRIDGES: No, no, I sure don't. I mean, maybe just a little bit, OK. Let's be honest here. The truth is my impeachment hearings were a dark, dark time in American history. But let's look at the good that came from it. C-SPAN had its very first PG-13 rating. They did good.
BRIDGES: You know what, I'll tell you, Larry, I have to respect the Republicans because what they want to do is they want to reduce the size of government. Now, I just don't think that indictments are the right way to do it.
KING: So, you have some compassion for George Bush.
BRIDGES: Oh, I do. I really do. You know, the job of president, it is a ton of pressure and there are no days off. There's days you just want to sit down, relax and Google your own name.
BRIDGES: Google your own name, that sounds dirty.
KING: It sure does. We'll be back with the 42nd president of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton, right after this. Don't go away.
BILL CLINTON, 42ND PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I know we're here to honor you tonight because of the work you do, but this dinner is a pittance compared to the testament to your profession last week which opened its doors, called the Newseum.
The Newseum, the Newseum. What really surprised me for any event in Washington, this opening actually got a lot of favorable press coverage.
(LAUGHTER) CLINTON: Evidently you journalists have a lot of friends in the media.
KING: Welcome back to our special presidential edition of LARRY KING LIVE. We're talking with the never dull President Bill Clinton.
Mr. President, do you miss the attention that came with the job of president?
BRIDGES: Oh, I miss it. I do. I -- you know, everything, though -- I have to say this. Everything that I ever said during my eight years in office was always amplified in the media. And a lot of times it would just come back to haunt me.
For instance, I was the one who coined the term "new Democrat." I was also the one who coined the term "nude Democrat." And remember how I always used to tell people -- I always used to look in that camera and I used to say "I feel your pain"? It turns out that was heart disease.
KING: Speaking of which, it was surprising how fast you recovered from the surgery.
BRIDGES: Yes. Yes. I'm taking much better care of myself. You know, what happened was it gave me a good perspective on life. I was shocked to hear the doctor say to me I had acute angina. I mean, I told him I was flattered, but I was already spoken for, so just back off.
KING: How did the surgery change your perspective?
BRIDGES: You know what it did, Larry, it taught me to appreciate the little things, like aspirin and bacon bits.
BRIDGES: I totally agree with President Bush's remarks about America's addiction to oil. I too was addicted to oil, also butter and grease and salt and mayonnaise and things like that. I don't know what I miss more, the White House or White Castle.
KING: But the heart surgery, I've got to say, hasn't slowed you down any, has it?
BRIDGES: No, it hasn't. In fact, tonight I want to let folks know that I am introducing my new ex-world leader diet plan. I call for Americans to eat less junk food. I'm calling it Just Say Whoa!
KING: The president's father seems to have become quite a good friend of yours? BRIDGES: Yes, yes, George Sr., yes. He and I, we're having a great time. We're doing a lot of traveling together. We're helping people out. I tell you what, I feel like a college kid who's on spring break with Mr. Rogers.
BRIDGES: Oh, but we have gotten to know each other really well and do some really good work.
KING: You seem -- it's an unlikely but effective team, isn't it?
BRIDGES: Oh yes, it is. It is. Yes, he actually calls me his other son which is what he always used to call me, he just shortened it a little.
BRIDGES: I asked him if his real son, the president, was jealous of our friendship, and he said that George doesn't know the meaning of the word jealous. He was serious.
KING: In the meantime, what do you have coming up?
BRIDGES: Well, you know what, I'm just living a day at a time. I'm working to preserve my legacy. I don't want to be remembered as the man who built Rush Limbaugh's house.
KING: So you're traveling as a speaker, running a foundation. What do you do to relax?
BRIDGES: You know what I do? I spend a lot of time at my presidential library down there in Arkansas. You ought to come by. You should. You ought to stop by.
KING: I was there when it opened.
BRIDGES: That's right. That's right. Fantastic. As you know, we have the only book in a nine-county area.
BRIDGES: I'm going to let you in on a little secret here. Just keep an eye out for me next year on "Dancing With The Stars." It's going to be fun.
KING: We'll be looking forward to that.
KING: Thank you so much for being with us, Mr. President.
BRIDGES: Thank you. A real pleasure. Thank you.
KING: Next, comedian Wanda Sykes. She had President Obama laughing out loud at last year's White House Correspondents' Dinner.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I would like to welcome you all to the 10-day anniversary of my first 100 days.
OBAMA: I am Barack Obama. Most of you covered me. All of you voted for me.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING: Wanda Sykes was the featured entertainer at last year's White House Correspondents' Dinner. The first African-American woman to get that role. And she did not disappoint.
SYKES: It's hard to poke fun at the -- at the president, you know, because he's so likable. Everybody likes -- you know, his T- shirts and bumper stickers, and listening to the radio, and people are dedicating songs, you know? I'd like to send out, "Always and Forever" to Mr. President.
People love you. You know, and even the media. You know, you guys have been very favorable towards the president. You know, it's funny to me that they've never caught you smoking, but they somehow always catch you with your shirt off.
SYKES: I know you're into this transparency thing, but I don't need to see your nipples.
SYKES: Is there a beach at Camp David? What the hell. You know, there was never a nipple portrait of Lincoln, I'm sorry.
SYKES: But this is amazing, you know, the first black president, you know, I know you're bi-racial, but the first black president. I mean, it's proud. You know, proud to be able to say that, you know, the first black president, you know. Well, that's unless you screw up.
(LAUGHTER) SYKES: And then it's going to be, what's up with the half-white guy, huh?
SYKES: Who voted for the mulatto? What the hell? What?
And I must say, Mr. President, I thought that, you know, that when you got into office that you would put a swift end to your basketball pick-up plan,you know, your pick-up basketball plan. You know, I mean, come on, first black president playing basketball, that's one step forward, two steps back.
SYKES: And really, are you any good? I bet you you think that your game is really nice right now, don't you? Yes, you really think that you've got good moves, huh? I mean, come on, nobody is going to give the president a hard foul with the Secret Service standing there.
SYKES: He's probably bragging and everything. You should have seen me today, baby, I was ballin', you know.
SYKES: What was that? You and Joe Biden out getting the hamburgers. The two of you can't hang out together. Whose idea was that? Nancy Pelosi's?
SYKES: Yes, why don't you boys go out and get a bite. You know she was a Hillary supporter. What's wrong with you? Oh, and God forbid if Joe Biden falls in the hands of terrorists. God forbid if there is ever a hostage situation. We're done. They won't even have to torture him. All they'll have to do is go, how's it going, Joe?
SYKES: He'll come back with stacks of information. What did you do, did you waterboard him? No, I just said, nice weather, and he's still talking. Can't listen to him anymore. It's like torture.
Well, Mr. President, you've had your fair share of critics. You know, even Senator McCain. Senator McCain gave you grief about the new helicopters that you didn't order. You know, I think Mr. McCain was just a little bitter because he wanted to be in the new helicopters. But I want to tell Mr. McCain, Mr. McCain, I'm sure if you ask nicely, your wife will buy you a helicopter.
(LAUGHTER) SYKES: Rush Limbaugh, one of your big critics. Boy, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes this administration fails. So you're saying, I hope America fails. Just like, I don't care about people losing their homes, their jobs, our soldiers in Iraq, he just wants the country to fail.
To me, that is treason. He is not saying anything differently than what Osama bin Laden is saying. You know, you might want to look into this, sir, because I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight.
SYKES: Come on, too much? OK.
KING: Next, Leno and Letterman get in on the act.
KING: To close it out, we'll leave you with two of the best.
JAY LENO, HOST, "THE TONIGHT SHOW": Of course, you all sense the sadness that President Clinton feels about leaving the White House. Believe me, Mr. President, there was no one sadder than I am that you are leaving.
LENO: You bought my house, you bought my car. Everything I have I owe to you. I couldn't have done it without you.
One of the things I most admire about President Clinton, he is the only president I ever heard of that went back to his high school reunion. To me that is very cool. To me that is the only reason I would want to be president, just so I could go back to my high school reunion. Just to walk up to that snotty cheerleader, and go, oh, still too busy for the leader of the free world? Hey, how is your husband's Amway franchise, how's that working out?
LENO: See, that is very cool.
And, of course, President Clinton had some wonderful, wonderful international triumphs such as bringing the Arabs and the Israelis together. Remember that day in the Rose Garden, remember when they were all in step. I have never seen anything -- show that footage. Take a look.
LENO: Why do the ads always have to be so negative? These attack ads, the American public doesn't like. I am going to show you a couple of ads, local ads that ran in California for some fringe candidates. And here, you be the judge.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He says he's not one of the fat cats. He denies his ties to the milk lobby. If that's true, what's he trying to cover up? Vote dog.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Dog. He says he stands for family values. Does this look like family values? Haven't we seen this type of behavior before? Vote cat.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
LENO: I'm sorry. I had to do one. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Mr. President. I had to throw one in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I feel terrible. I just had to do one. I'm sorry, it will never happen again. Don't audit me. I don't want to go back to Cuba.
DAVID LETTERMAN, HOST, "THE LATE SHOW": The category tonight, "Top Ten Favorite George W. Bush Moments." "Top Ten Favorite George W. Bush Moments."
Here we go, number 10.
(VIDEO CLIP OF GEORGE W. BUSH HITTING HIS HEAD ON MARINE ONE)
BUSH: If it feels good, do it. If you've got a problem, blame somebody else.
LETTERMAN: Number eight.
BUSH: The issue of immigration stirs intense emotions. And in recent weeks Americans have seen those emotions on display on the streets of major cities.
LETTERMAN: Number seven.
(VIDEO CLIP OF GEORGE W. BUSH DROPPING BASKETBALL IN PHOTO-OP)
LETTERMAN: Number six.
BUSH: Let there be a stable Iran. Iran that is capable of rejecting Iranian influence -- I mean, Iraq.
LETTERMAN: Number five.
BUSH: I like to fish.
LETTERMAN: Number four.
(VIDEO CLIP OF GEORGE W. BUSH TRYING TO OPEN DOOR)
LETTERMAN: Number three.
(VIDEO CLIP OF GEORGE W. BUSH DROPPING DOG ON TARMAC)
LETTERMAN: Number two.
BUSH: Doing a better job of talking to each other. The left hand...
(GESTURES WITH RIGHT HAND)
BUSH: ... now knows what the right hand is doing.
(GESTURES WITH LEFT HAND)
LETTERMAN: And the number one favorite George W. Bush moment...
(VIDEO CLIP OF GEORGE W. BUSH SPITTING)
KING: Funny stuff. Much more ahead, too. Thanks for joining us. Good night.