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Joy Behar Page
Midterm Madness; Quaids on the Run; Dunham and His Dummies
Aired November 05, 2010 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, it`s a GOP daughter duo. Meghan McCain calls out Bristol Palin because Bristol abstained from voting.
And Margaret Cho gives her take on Portia de Rossi`s struggle with anorexia.
Plus, he`s the most successful comedian in America with a little help from his wooden friends. Jeff Dunham and his dummies stop by.
That and more starting right now.
JOY BEHAR, HLN HOST: The elections are over, and the Republicans won big, but sadly, my favorite witch, Christine O`Donnell was voted off the island. Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CHRISTINE O`DONNELL (R), FORMER DELAWARE SENATE CANDIDATE: I hope and pray that you are as encouraged as I am. And we have a lot of food. We have the room all night. So God bless you. So let`s party.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Ok, here to talk about the midterm madness and all the stories from the week are Mick Foley, professional wrestler and author of "Countdown to Lockdown"; Rachel Sklar, editor-at-large for mediaite.com; and comedian Maz Jobrani.
Ok guys. We have had 48 hours at this point to collect ourselves. How are you feeling about the results?
MICK FOLEY, AUTHOR, "COUNTDOWN TO LOCKDOWN": I feel a little let down. A little let down --
BEHAR: Because?
FOLEY: Just because the conversation turned so ugly. I just prefer that our politicians make it more difficult to discern or easier, less difficult to discern between the United States Congress and a professional wrestling show.
BEHAR: That could be hard. Which, by the way, Linda McMahon, who was --
FOLEY: Yes.
BEHAR: What was she -- the head of the WWE, right?
FOLEY: She was the CEO, yes, run by her husband Vince, and Linda was a chief executive officer.
BEHAR: She lost.
FOLEY: She lost.
BEHAR: Do you care?
FOLEY: I did because I like Linda personally, and I think she quite possibly could have helped avoid some of that partisan rancor that --
BEHAR: Really?
FOLEY: Yes, you know. You don`t get to be involved in professional wrestling for 35 years without a really fierce independent streak.
BEHAR: Now, what about Christine O`Donnell. First of all, do you miss her?
RACHEL SKLAR, EDITOR-AT-LARGE, MEDIAITE.COM: I feel like she hasn`t really gone away. I don`t miss her. I really don`t think she`s going to go anywhere. She`s a story that everybody loves.
FOLEY: Joy, she`ll have her own cable talk show within a week.
BEHAR: I don`t think so.
SKLAR: She`ll have something. She never had any problem getting on TV before.
MAX JOBRANI, COMEDIAN: Yes. She needs a job.
BEHAR: But she says that she`ll go to Fox as a pundit, but Fox said they have no plans to hire her. She`s even too crazy for Fox?
JOBRANI: Wow, that`s really crazy. Yes, I mean, she needs a job at this point, and maybe she could be their like witchcraft panelist -- not panelist, but expert. Any time there`s -- call her up.
BEHAR: That`s true.
Now in the middle of all the Republican hoopla, there was this emotional victory speech from House Minority Leader, John Boehner. Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOHN BOEHNER (R), OHIO: I saw how out of touch Washington have become with the core values of this great nation, I put my name forward and ran for office.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: I just love that.
FOLEY: Yes.
JOBRANI: Am I the only one -- does he remind you of J.R. from Dallas? Doesn`t he? A little bit of drinking. A little bit of, you know.
BEHAR: You think -- that`s what I thought -- maybe he had a drink before and he`d gone weepy.
FOLEY: If you look closely Joy, you could see he actually cries orange tears.
BEHAR: Does he really? He cried. Why did he cry? He won.
SKLAR: Well, it came across as a like very emotional, authentic moment. But just remember, if Nancy Pelosi had cried when she ascended to Speaker of the chair, the media would have gone crazy.
JOBRANI: In that instant --
BEHAR: I don`t think that Nancy`s face can move, much less cry. Not for nothing, I love Nancy. But those tears aren`t going nowhere.
SKLAR: When you talk about the bad reaction to the election, I confess that I was more emotional than I expected to be at the thought of the first woman speaker stepping down. Whatever people say about her, and people are saying many things, she really -- she broke a barrier.
FOLEY: At the moment John Boehner made that speech, he became to politics what the "it`s still real to me guy" is to professional wrestler. Has anyone seen him out there where he broke down?
JOBRANI: The wrestler who broke down?
FOLEY: The wrestling fan. There`s actually a sign that says "it`s still real to me."
JOBRANI: The thing is -- they`re going to mess it up. We know they`re going to mess it up. When was the last time that Congress came in and did not mess it up? Does anyone know?
BEHAR: I know. Well, we`ll see what they`re going to do. It`s a joke, really.
JOBRANI: I think they`ll mess it up. They`ll be crying in a different way.
SKLAR: They`re planning on doing nothing.
BEHAR: They`re planning on doing nothing just like they did for the past 18 months while Obama was there. So what are they going to do? Nothing.
JOBRANI: The good news, I think, is that this will help in the next election because then Obama then can say, "Well, look, they messed it up. Vote for me."
BEHAR: Right. He doesn`t have to take the whole claim for it.
FOLEY: Obama has got to start making things click kind of like Clinton did in `92 after the Republican takeover. No matter what happens, if it`s good, eventually the president gets the credit.
BEHAR: Ok. Turnout was high for this election, but someone who didn`t vote was Bristol Palin. Watch what she told "Inside Edition".
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BRISTOL PALIN, DAUGHTER OF SARAH PALIN: I did not send in my absentee ballots in Alaska. I`m going to be in trouble. Sorry mom.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Rachel what do you think of that?
SKLAR: I just think that, you know, when it comes to the Palins, oftentimes I find myself wondering who is managing them. Who is helping them? Like how on earth could this slip through Bristol Palin`s grasp?
I mean, you know, it doesn`t reflect very well on her mom, and it certainly doesn`t reflect very well on her mom`s stake in Alaska politics. But it`s just a bone-headed move.
BEHAR: It`s bone-headed.
SKLAR: It`s so bone-headed.
JOBRANI: I hate to defend her, but this is America, nobody votes. Like we get like 50 percent.
BEHAR: Well, that`s really a ringing endorsement.
JOBRANI: Yes. Well, we have like 50 percent voter turnout.
SKLAR: But she holds herself to a higher standard though. She, I mean --
BEHAR: She`s Sarah Palin`s daughter.
FOLEY: Joy, not voting is by far the least bad news she`s had to break to her mom.
BEHAR: That`s a good point.
FOLEY: Mom, I got to tell you something. It`s like, "You`re not back together with Levi, are you?"
BEHAR: Maybe she sent in an abstinence -- I mean an absentee ballot.
(CROSSTALK)
JOBRANI: Abstinence ballot -- there you go. I`m not voting, not having sex, I`m not doing anything except dancing. She`s committed to dancing, that`s it.
BEHAR: Is it embarrassing to Sarah or is she not even capable of being embarrassed?
(CROSSTALK)
SKLAR: I think it ought to be. It ought to be.
I mean she is -- you know, at some level, Sarah Palin is holding herself out as a role model for women, and she was on Fox the other night with Geraldine Ferrari talking about again, like breaking through glass ceilings. The right to vote, the woman`s right to vote, women`s suffrage, is sort of a core feminist issue.
BEHAR: I know. It is. Ok.
SKLAR: Pick it up.
BEHAR: Randy Quaid and his wife Evi skipped their California court date this week. The couple are holed up in Canada but spoke to ABC`s "Good Morning America" Monday. Watch this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
RANDY QUAID, ACTOR: To have my integrity and my reputation so denigrated so mercilessly, why? Why would somebody want to do this to me?
EVI QUAID, RANDY QUAID`S WIFE: We are refugees. I mean that`s essentially what it is, Hollywood refugees.
(CROSSTALK)
E. QUAID: We should we left alone by the criminals in America.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: I mean they refer to people as Hollywood star whackers. Who are these whackers?
JOBRANI: This is either sad, very sad, or brilliant because they owe money, so they`re like, oh, yes.
FOLEY: I think he`s just reprising his role as Uncle Eddie for "Vacation Part 4".
BEHAR: An arrest warrant has been issued to Evi, but the judge delayed issuing a warrant for Randy. Why don`t they just show up in court?
SKLAR: They have an immigration trial in Canada. Like it`s crazy.
BEHAR: Aren`t you Canadian?
SKLAR: I am Canadian. But I have nothing to do with this.
BEHAR: How can they be on the run and also be squatters at the same time?
UF2: I wonder if there`s a refugee in the Darfur region watching this going, "You`re not the refugee, I`m the refugee." Like I`m running from -- they could chop my head off.
BEHAR: That`s right. That`s very funny. They said they`re being chased by star whackers who whacked Heath Ledger and Chris Penn and David Carradine.
It`s not really the same thing, is it? They`re on the lam, it seems to me. They have charges against them. These guys died from natural causes, pretty much.
JOBRANI: Well, the star whackers, if you take that word "whack" and just put a "y", "wacky", and then apply it to themselves, then I think we have something.
SKLAR: There doesn`t seem to be a compelling case behind these claims.
FOLEY: I don`t believe the Carradine case was an inside job.
BEHAR: No. He had a sexual asphyxiation of some sort.
JOBRANI: Isn`t that kind of hard to fix. Randy, looping a cord over his neck maybe --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Do you think that`s a terrible way to go? Sexual asphyxiation?
SKLAR: Or an awesome way to go?
FOLEY: It depends on how you look at it, yes.
BEHAR: I don`t think it`s awesome. It doesn`t sound that great.
JOBRANI: There are worst ways to go. I mean why not --
BEHAR: You know, I prefer the missionary position. Call me crazy.
Thanks guys.
Catch Maz Jobrani`s show, "Laugh or I will crush you" on Saturday at Town Hall, as part of the New York County festival.
We`re back in a minute.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: My next guest has made more money working with dummies than Nancy Pelosi. He was the top grossing live comedy act in the world last year and sold over 6 million copies on his DVDs. Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JEFF DUNHAM, COMEDIAN: You`re happy to be here?
WALTER: Oh, sure, better than last week.
DUNHAM: Last week?
WALTER: Yes.
DUNHAM: Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, we were there. You didn`t like that?
WALTER: No.
DUNHAM: Why not?
WALTER: Everyone in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, looks exactly like me.
It`s like one giant nursing home.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Here with me now is Jeff Dunham, comedian, ventriloquist and author of "All by My Selves: Walter, Peanut, Achmed and Me." And joining me as well is Jeff`s partner in crime, Walter. Welcome.
DUNHAM: Thank, Joy.
BEHAR: Welcome both of you.
WALTER: Thanks, Joy. It`s a pleasure to be here. I`m a big fan of your work.
BEHAR: Thank you.
WALTER: I especially like the controversial stuff. That`s fantastic. And I must say your set is lovely. Do the folks know you`re actually on the roof at CNN?
BEHAR: No, they definitely know that.
WALTER: It`s a show on a budget. It`s fantastic.
BEHAR: How do you do that without moving your lips?
WALTER: He`s a politician. Ha, ha, get it? Oh, shut up. I don`t care.
BEHAR: So, this is how you -- what do we call you, by the way, Walter? Are you a puppet, a dummy? What?
DUNHAM: It`s OK, Walter. You can tell her.
WALTER: It`s wooden American.
DUNHAM: Right, yes.
BEHAR: A wooden American?
WALTER: That`s the politically correct -- are you married?
BEHAR: No.
WALTER: Oh, no.
BEHAR: But I have a spousal equivalent?
WALTER: Oh, you do?
BEHAR: Yes, I do.
WALTER: Well --
BEHAR: Why, are you attracted to me?
WALTER: Yes, I`m very attracted to you.
BEHAR: You`re not the only dummy who`s been attracted to me.
WALTER: You should sit on Jeff`s other knee. That`s very funny.
BEHAR: I`d break his leg.
WALTER: You know, I hit on (INAUDIBLE) this morning, it didn`t work out. So, maybe I got a shot with you now.
BEHAR: It`s possible. How long have you, two, been together, you and Jeff?
WALTER: Well, it`s not like we`re a couple. This is all professional.
BEHAR: Sure, that`s what you say.
WALTER: Yes, I know.
BEHAR: I`ve heard of kinkier things than this, believe me.
WALTER: It does come out in the book that every night Jeff has a small man in his lap.
DUNHAM: Thank you very much. Yes. Walter and I have been working together -- actually I built him when I was in college. So, it was about 1986 that he came about.
BEHAR: You see what he says, he built you as if he controls your entire life.
WALTER: I know it`s like talking about someone in the hospital when they`re right there. You know, he doesn`t know if he`s going to make it. I`m here. Hello. You know what I`m saying?
BEHAR: He built you, you know?
WALTER: You`ve never been married, Joy?
BEHAR: I have been married.
WALTER: Oh, yes, you know how that works.
BEHAR: How what? Marriage works?
WALTER: Well, you know.
BEHAR: I tried it.
WALTER: Yes. Until death do us part -- when you say that, it a sweet little vow, it eventually becomes an interesting idea.
BEHAR: Well, I will get married on my death bed because then it will be only five minutes more from here to eternity.
WALTER: That`s really good.
BEHAR: That`s my plan.
WALTER: Can we write that down.
DUNHAM: Sure.
BEHAR: You can use that.
WALTER: Thanks.
BEHAR: You and Jeff make a lot of money together. I was reading it. And you`re on the Forbes list of big money makers. How do you feel about that?
WALTER: I don`t get a penny of it and I don`t care.
BEHAR: You don`t need it?
WALTER: I`m here for the joy of it, Joy.
BEHAR: Do you really?
WALTER: Get it? See how I did that?
BEHAR: Does he keep you in a box at home? What does he do with you?
WALTER: Yes, but the worst is going through security at an airport.
BEHAR: Oh, really?
DUNHAM: Oh, it`s been many times. Tell her about Birmingham.
WALTER: Birmingham, Alabama. You know, there`s a little mechanics on my head. We`re going through security there. It was on the x-ray machine, the guy looks at the screen, turns to Jeff and he goes, you got a banjo in there? Jeff goes, no, it`s a head. And the guy goes, oh, have a nice day. That`s it? That`s our security at work.
BEHAR: Really, the TSA has to hear this. I hope they`re watching.
WALTER: It`s fantastic. I don`t care.
BEHAR: Now, where did you, two, meet? On like Craigslist? Man looking for puppet? I mean, what happened there?
DUNHAM: You know, actually, the genesis of Walter it came about because I saw Bette Davis on "The Tonight Show" very last time. She was on with Carson and I saw this woman who was speaking her mind. She didn`t care what anybody thought.
BEHAR: Bette, oh yes.
DUNHAM: What did I say?
BEHAR: Bette Davis.
DUNHAM: And I thought this is delightful. Carson loved it. It was refreshing. I thought I can have a character like this, and I came up with Walter. And I get away with a lot with him.
BEHAR: So, it`s safer to have the puppet be your mouth piece.
WALTER: You know, he`s building a puppet for you, Joy.
BEHAR: I can use a puppet.
WALTER: Yes, you can use words like bi-atch and get away with it.
I heard about that.
BEHAR: I know. If I had the puppet saying that, I would be in less trouble, wouldn`t I?
WALTER: Exactly. You`d be more of a hero. Now, you`re controversial and a hero.
BEHAR: Well, what can you do?
WALTER: Nothing.
BEHAR: Now, you, two, are together all the time. Don`t you get sick of each other?
DUNHAM: No. We do all right.
WALTER: It`s a very professional relationship. We do not fraternize after the shows.
BEHAR: Oh, you don`t?
WALTER: Right.
BEHAR: Would you have any siblings, Walter? Are there other puppets?
WALTER: I don`t have siblings. There`s other characters. Have you heard of Achmed, the dead terrorist?
BEHAR: No, I haven`t.
DUNHAM: Yes, that`s the guy that`s got me in trouble.
WALTER: Yes.
BEHAR: What did he do? Oh, really?
DUNHAM: Absolutely.
BEHAR: He got you into trouble?
WALTER: You haven`t heard of him? What -- do you freaking live here?
BEHAR: I live in the studio.
WALTER: We have a problem about CNN, they`re not going to air Achmed, the dead terrorist.
BEHAR: They might. But, I mean, what did you say about Achmed?
DUNHAM: He`s basically a dead terrorist. The picture`s right there on the front of the book.
WALTER: Look at the picture, Joy. You see him right there. See on the book to your right. The book, right there. We gave it to you.
BEHAR: Oh, the book?
WALTER: The book, yes. Well, let`s see.
BEHAR: Which one is Achmed?
WALTER: Which one would be Achmed the dead terrorist? The one that looks like a purple alien? I`ll go with the terrorist.
BEHAR: This guy, huh? Oh, he`s a dead terrorist.
DUNHAM: Yes. So, he`s the one that`s really gotten me on the map because he came out in our DVD, "Spark of Insanity". Gee whiz, how long has it been? Three years ago now, and a lot of controversy there. We came up with a song on YouTube called "Jingle Bombs".
BEHAR: Jingle bombs?
WALTER: Yes. That went over as well as your calling you know who a bi-atch.
BEHAR: You`re really hanging onto that one, aren`t you, Walter?
WALTER: I love it, girl. You`re my favorite newscaster now because of that. I like Bill O`Reilly, but I can`t bring that up.
BEHAR: You can bring him up. Of course, you can bring Bill O`Reilly up. We bring him up all the time here.
WALTER: Do you?
BEHAR: Yes. Like lunch. But listen -- listen, I want you to cover Walter`s ears while I ask you this question. Is ventriloquism a dying art?
DUNHAM: Yes, you know what, as a serious question.
WALTER: I`m pretending not to pay attention. Yes, just like I`m watching.
BEHAR: But not for you, but for others. I mean, there aren`t a lot of ventriloquists around.
DUNHAM: No, and it`s had a bad rap for many, many years. And I`ve tried to put kind of fresh, hip patina on the thing.
WALTER: A patina.
BEHAR: A patina.
WALTER: He used a big word here, Joy.
BEHAR: I used to date a guy Frank Patina.
DUNHAM: Oh, it`s nice.
WALTER: And he was completely fake?
BEHAR: He was completely fake. All right. I have to take a break now.
WALTER: The crew actually got that one. I`m impressed.
BEHAR: They`re very good, the crew. They`re sharp as a tack.
Don`t go anywhere. More with Jeff Dunham in a minute.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with comedian and ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham and his --
WALTER: Wooden American.
BEHAR: His alter ego, Walter, would you say?
WALTER: I love looking at you, Joy. It`s just -- you know, I know I`m much older, but it doesn`t matter.
BEHAR: But you`re my type, Walter. You`re the type of guy who`s coming onto me lately.
WALTER: You mean honest guys?
BEHAR: No. Guys who do reverse mortgage commercials, basically.
Those are the types that are attracted to me as I get into my dotage.
WALTER: Yes. I got it.
BEHAR: But you know what I`ll take what I can get.
WALTER: I understand.
BEHAR: So --
WALTER: So, what do you think of the health care thing?
BEHAR: Whatever.
WALTER: Yes, it`s a mess, isn`t it?
BEHAR: What do you think of it?
WALTER: Well, I don`t know. I mean your health care claim, you get a big bump, how much do you have to pay in it?
BEHAR: None of my doctors take health insurance. They do not take it.
WALTER: Ironically, to pay for my health care I had to sell a kidney. It was horrible.
BEHAR: That sucks.
WALTER: Yes, it does.
BEHAR: I hate that.
WALTER: Yes.
BEHAR: Now, Jeff, this book is a very intimate autobiography. What have you shared in here that people out there who know you don`t know yet?
DUNHAM: It starts when I was 8 years old, got my first dummy for Christmas and just kept going. So, basically, it`s this kid who had this dream. Pretty much only in this country can this happen. And I hope when people read this they`ll understand that this has been a lifetime. It`s been 40 years on stage. As you know, in comedy, there`s ups and downs and there`s feast and famine.
And you know, a lot of great stories and experiences of the people I`ve worked with. One of my favorite pictures in there is a picture of me when I was 14 years old sitting on a couch with a reporter from the local Dallas affiliate where we lived in 1976. It was a film camera and the long-haired reporter in there is Bill O`Reilly.
BEHAR: Oh, really? No kidding? You see, it`s six degrees of separation.
WALTER: It`s before he was angry.
BEHAR: When was that? When he was in utero?
(CROSSTALK)
WALTER: Utero and patina. Those are two new words for me today.
BEHAR: OK. You know, Edgar Bergen (ph), you know Edgar Bergen? He has a beautiful daughter Candice Bergen. I love her. She`s a lovely person.
WALTER: He`s dead, you know.
BEHAR: I know Edgar Bergen passed many years ago.
WALTER: Yes. I just wanted to make sure you knew.
BEHAR: He had a -- I don`t know so I say the word dummy or is that like offensive to you?
WALTER: No, you can say dummy. It`s fine. You say bitch, you can say dummy.
BEHAR: He had a dummy called Charlie McCarthy. And there were two things that are interesting about it. One was that Candice thought he was her brother and she had to kiss him good night. That`s a little weird, isn`t it?
DUNHAM: Right. I have three daughters. I don`t make them do that.
BEHAR: You don`t do that?
WALTER: No.
BEHAR: Candice has grown into a very intelligent woman, so it`s not a problem in case your children do that to him.
WALTER: They have to rub me on the head.
BEHAR: Yes. The other thing is that Edgar Bergen used to be on the radio doing ventriloquism. Now, who knew whether he was moving his lips or not? It was ridiculous.
DUNHAM: Right, but what was amazing about that for people who don`t know is that he was -- he was very much the Seinfeld of the radio days. He had the number one radio show for years. But what`s great about that and a lot of people don`t get is the reason he was so successful was the characters and the jokes and the material were so great. I mean, it was top-notch. The writers were top-notch. And people actually thought that Charlie was a little boy actor playing the part of the ventriloquist dummies. So, that`s how great he was.
BEHAR: Isn`t that special?
WALTER: No one cares. Thanks, Jeff. So --
BEHAR: Listen, it`s all been a pleasure actually meeting both of you. I enjoyed it very much.
DUNHAM: It`s been really great.
WALTER: Yes, it`s been greater for me.
BEHAR: And I know that we`ll meet again somewhere.
WALTER: I hope so.
BEHAR: OK. The book is called "All by My Selves: Walter, Peanut, Achmed and Me."
We`ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: With all of the hysteria going on after yesterday`s elections, I thought it would be a good idea to have a calm, measured voice of reason to discuss the results. Yes, with me is the author of "I`m Dreaming of a Black Christmas." The always serene, Lewis Black.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: So, any chest pains since the election results came in?
LEWIS BLACK, COMEDIAN: No, relief.
BEHAR: What are you relieved about?
BLACK: It`s over.
BEHAR: Oh, it`s over, yes.
BLACK: There are 19 days, 18 days. It`s all going to change. Everyone will die. oh, no, giant monsters. Driving me nuts. Nineteen days until the election. Shut up. When did we get to this point?
BEHAR: But look what happened, though. There was a tsunami of Republicans taking over the House like crazy. And a lot of --
BLACK: Ooh, they`ll make everything different now. Things are going to be so wonderful now. You know, we`ll wake up tomorrow, there`ll be a big rainbow in the sky, and there`ll be a pot of gold at the end.
BEHAR: I know. I can`t wait. You know, remember Gore Vidal, the great philosopher. He said that he calls this country, the United States of amnesia because they forget everything in this country. Do they really think that we`re going to be able to fix things in two years?
BLACK: Yes. Isn`t that extraordinary? You know, these guys, basically, same groups spending. It`s Democrats and Republicans, you know, work together to create this.
BEHAR: Yes.
BLACK: You know, and they flush everything down the toilet. And then all of a sudden, now, the Republicans are really going to be good at plumbing. Oh, boy, now we know what to do. We`ve got a rooter. What are they going to do? I`ve watched these -- I was in Vegas, you know, working there, and the guys, the ads were like, one after the other. I mean, the show, you know, they would go to commercial break. It was like they didn`t advertise anything.
It was like you`re killing the economy, you idiots. What about things you can buy rather than Sharron Angle or Harry Reid. And it got to the point where I just wanted them to have ads. The Republicans should have an ad with like a big bull mastiff dog -- and then have the Democrats come on with a couple of big Labradors licking things. And that would be it.
BEHAR: That would have been entertaining at least.
BLACK: It would be entertaining and it has as much content.
BEHAR: I`ll tell you what was rather entertaining. John Boehner, the House Minority Leader was crying when he won. Watch this.
BLACK: Yes, good. Good.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REP. JOHN BOEHNER, (R) EXPECTED TO BE NEXT HOUSE SPEAKER: I put my -- myself through school, working every rotten job there was, and every night shift I could find. And I poured my heart and soul into running a small business.
And when I saw how upset Washington had become with the core values of this great nation, I put my name forward and ran for office.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Hitting the old --
BLACK: What about empathy? How does a guy weep like that? I did this. I came up -- I came out, I was born in a field. Mom sat over a stump, and then there were no doctors, and now, he`s got no empathy whatsoever for the 14 percent that are out there starving to death. You idiot.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: He`s crying for himself. He feels bad for himself. He seems like maybe he had a couple drinks before he went out there. I mean, I forgive him for that. (INAUDIBLE) You know what I mean, it`s possible.
BLACK: He was drinking much the way I forgive hecklers who are completely drunk.
BEHAR: Yes, exactly. That`s exactly. But, OK. He said that the American people`s message to the president is change course. Do you agree with that?
BLACK: He thinks that the American people`s --
BEHAR: That`s what they were saying
BLACK: No, the American people`s message is basically, we`re insane. We have reached the limit.
(LAUGHTER)
BLACK: This is what I think they`ve decided. We have tried every possible route to govern ourselves, and now, we`re going to move straight to ignorance. Let us try with people who don`t, have never been, you know, no sense of government service whatsoever and let`s just get people with barely functioning -- you can do what is it -- when you check brain waves. They got nothing. Bring them in.
BEHAR: Put an MRI on them. But what about Christine O`Donnell? She was brilliant. What are you talking about?
BLACK: She`s spectacular. I think you have to rewrite if you want to be a U.S. senator, you have to have touched yourself within a year.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: I agree with that. That`s like a good campaign slogan. I like that.
BLACK: It is.
BEHAR: You must touch yourself within a year if you want to run for the Senate. I love that.
BLACK: How do you know you`re there? How does she have any idea that she`s even around? How do you go 13 years? That`s one of the scariest things I`ve ever heard. It`s like women I probably dated -- woman said that while I was sitting across from her having coffee, I would have thrown water in her face and I would have slapped her. Not hard. Just to kind of wake up. Just a little bat.
BEHAR: You`re a pussy cat. That`s not true.
BLACK: I wouldn`t slap. Not a hard slap. But certainly get to the point where you go, wake up!
BEHAR: OK. What about this Sarah Palin? She had a lot of success with her endorsements. 30 out of the 43 in the House were her endorsements, 7 out of 12 in the Senate. Whatever. In the United States.
BLACK: But what backwater?
BEHAR: No. Listen, 30 out of 43 is not backwater. That`s the country.
BLACK: No, it`s not, though. I`ve been around the country, and the one thing I noticed is we continue to act like we have a common language, I get it, you know, we do.
BEHAR: Really? You mean Spanish.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Yo quiero taco bell? Are you scared that she`s going to be president?
BLACK: No. I don`t think she can. I don`t really have that much faith in her.
BEHAR: Really? Didn`t you think George Bush would never become president?
BLACK: That I kind of thought might happen.
BEHAR: You did? Why?
BLACK: Well, because he seemed to be from another planet.
BEHAR: She doesn`t?
BLACK: She`s from like from 1950s television. She`s like right off leave it to beaver. I just think -- give them five states. Give her five states, let her take, they can all gather there. They can call the place 1950s. Call it 1956. They only allow black and white TV and they can`t have cell phones and they can`t twitter. OK. That`s what you get. If you want to go back there, then you have to live like that.
BEHAR: OK. Listen to this, this is a new thing about George W. he just mentioned (ph) it. He said that his -- this is what he said to Matt Lauer on his daily show, his worst moment as president was when Kanye West accused him of not caring about black people. I would have voted for choking on the pretzel, wouldn`t you?
BLACK: Yes.
BEHAR: But no. It`s not Katrina, it`s not the WMDs that didn`t exist in Iraq. It`s that Kanye West said he didn`t like black people.
BLACK: That is what George W. thought was the worst moment.
BEHAR: Yes. Isn`t that sort of like a narcissistic disorder to bring that back to yourself like your that after all you did? Unbelievable.
BLACK: He`s never really been in touch with himself.
BEHAR: Like Christine O`Donnell.
BLACK: Yes, no, exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Would you ever run for anything?
BLACK: I`d run from something.
BEHAR: You would never run for office?
BLACK: Oh, God, no, because I don`t want to deal with those people. Look, if lived in a co-op, I wouldn`t be on the co-op board. That`s a schmuck -- and I got to say this about that. You know, we really should have more -- the tile isn`t right. The tile isn`t right, I couldn`t do it.
BEHAR: But you`re crazy enough for them to vote for you. That`s what`s beautiful for you. You could be in the tea party if you agreed with them.
BLACK: If I agreed with them. You know, but I have no desire. I mean, I lived around Washington, D.C. that kills your taste.
BEHAR: Yes, yes, it does.
BLACK: You know, except -- I can`t think of his name. I always forget it. The guy who`s found in the fountain with the stripper. You remember that?
BEHAR: Wilber Mills.
BLACK: Wilber Mills, that`s terrific.
BEHAR: Wilber!
BLACK: OK. Give him $50.
BEHAR: OK. We`re going to take a break. We`ll be back with more from Lewis Black.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with the man Stephen King called the most engagingly pissed off comedian ever, Lewis Black, comedian, author of "I`m Dreaming of a Black Christmas." I will get to that book in a second. I want to know what do you make of this Charlie Sheen debacle lately I mean, any similar skeletons in your closet?
BLACK: No. I never was able to afford that kind of stuff. Can you imagine be able to sit there with $5,000 bottles of, you know, Chateau Latour, you know, and hookers and crank and whatever you want in the plaza? Wow! I mean, I could have been there.
BEHAR: With the kids down the hall --
BLACK: You know, you forget. What are you going to do?
(CROSSTALK)
BLACK: Their bedtime. What`s amazing is the show`s ratings went up right after that. What did they think? Let`s see if his nose is bleeding. What were they going to watch?
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: You know, aren`t you upset that Prop 9 -- I think it`s Prop 9 or 19, 19 didn`t go?
BLACK: I am upset.
BEHAR: The pot smokers are upset.
BLACK: I didn`t. I don`t smoke, and I really don`t. I know it seems like, but I don`t. But I did so much as a kid, it didn`t work anymore. And then when I tried it when it was good, it scared me to death, but I think it`s stupid that it didn`t pass. I mean, it would have been great for the national discussion, and what would be nice is then we -- we don`t know -- we don`t have any concept of how to make the economy go.
BEHAR: That`s right. There`s a plan. Tax the pot.
BLACK: Tax makes money. People are smoking. What do they think? That more people will smoke? They`re smoking it now. But what kind of schmucky country am I in? We just keep it under wraps. They`re already puffing away. I go to my friends` houses. They`re smoking in the basement. The kids are out -- I got to go to the woods to talk to the kids. They`re hiding from the parents. They`re smoking.
BEHAR: And the parents are hiding from the kids?
BLACK: Exactly. They`re in the basement behind like water heater.
BEHAR: Yes, yes. Let`s talk about your book, "I`m Dreaming of a Black Christmas."
BLACK: Yes.
BEHAR: Why do you hate Christmas?
BLACK: I don`t.
BEHAR: And make a great Santa.
BLACK: I did Santa.
BEHAR: You did?
BLACK: The thing for the history, surviving the holidays. And in it, I dressed up like Santa, and they brought real kids in which is freaky, and then they had them sit in my lap. And I was wearing that Santa outfit, and I`ve won a Santa outfit three times. And I`ll tell you this, you got to be an alcoholic to be Santa.
BEHAR: And they are.
BLACK: Yes. You got to be somebody who`s knocked by six bottles and has some peppermint schnapps on the side.
BEHAR: Who do you think is sitting there, doing the stuff?
BLACK: I don`t know. These guys you sitting there, the kids are coming up, and there is I say, what do you want? And they go, well, you know, I really like an iPod. Well, great, I`m giving them the iPod. Yes, you`ll get your iPod. You know, basically, basically, I`m just lying.
(LAUGHTER)
BLACK: You know, and then the kid wakes up on Christmas Day, there`s no iPod.
BEHAR: And hates Santa.
BLACK: Yes.
BEHAR: And hates Santa.
BLACK: He gets an etch-a-sketch.
BEHAR: Why is that Jew writing a book about Christmas, just asking?
BLACK: I was asked by -- my publisher said I think you could bring a perspective to writing about Christmas. I said I`m a Jew. He said, well, Charles Dickens was a Jew.
BEHAR: Really?
BLACK: He was a liar.
BEHAR: That`s a lie.
BLACK: Then he did something, he said something that just knocked me over the edge. Two things, he went, Glenn Beck wrote a Christmas book. And that just did it. if Glenn Beck can write a Christmas book, I can write a Christmas book. And then he said if you write your third book, they`ll know you as an author.
BEHAR: Oh.
BLACK: Oh, God, and that really got to me. It got to that little, you know, fruity part in me.
BEHAR: Why didn`t you write a book about Hanukkah? We could use a book about Hanukkah.
BLACK: Because there`s nothing to write about, you know. My parents by the time I was 15, we were lighting 2 1/2 candles at night.
BEHAR: Get it down (ph).
BLACK: You know, forget it, not doing this anymore. It`s actually -- I actually like the book, which means (INAUDIBLE) probably people to hate it, but I really feel like --
BEHAR: I read some of it. It`s very funny. But you also, I think you like Christmas because one of the things I read, you said, if we had Christmas all year round, it would solve the world`s problems.
BLACK: Yes, it will.
BEHAR: Because everybody is in a happy mood.
BLACK: If we could actually celebrate Christmas and then separate people from their families, we could really solve the world`s problems.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: We need to do that. But do you think that the country is going to get more into Christmas spirit now that the Republicans are in office or less?
BLACK: Oh, I think they`ll get into it. I think they`re going to burrow into the Christmas spirit like nobody`s ever seen. Not because they`re Republicans or Democrats, just because it`s time to go to fantasy land. They got to escape this.
BEHAR: They do.
BLACK: You know, it`s really --
BEHAR: And you`re escaping Christmas, right? You escape every year.
BLACK: Every thanksgiving I leave because --
BEHAR: For how long?
BLACK: I leave like the Tuesday before Thanksgiving Monday and then come back on that Sunday. And then it`s already been six weeks of Christmas.
BEHAR: Yes, that`s true. Starts at Halloween.
BLACK: Yes, it starts at Halloween, but by Thanksgiving, it`s the running of the bulls. You know, -- Santa is landing every 30 seconds somewhere. And shop! Shop! You shop! You know, that black Friday nonsense. And then that`s all the coverage. You can literally go around and terrorize neighborhoods because everybody is in a store.
BEHAR: It`s true. OK. Let me ask you another question that`s in your book. You reveal in the book that at 26, you married your pregnant wife.
BLACK: Yes.
BEHAR: And five months after the birth of the baby, she told you the child wasn`t yours. Is that why you hate Christmas?
BLACK: Oh, no, no, no. I just wish it would have been a virgin birth. Apparently, some other guy got to her.
BEHAR: So, you marry the girl while she`s pregnant because you`re a nice guy, and then she says it`s not your baby.
BLACK: Yes.
BEHAR: Whose baby was it?
BLACK: It was a mime.
(LAUGHTER)
BLACK: Can you imagine.
BEHAR: A mime knocked your wife up?
BLACK: A mime, yes. Probably after he did his little hand thing. Look, ooh, wow. And then the next thing.
BEHAR: It`s the true story?
BLACK: It`s absolutely true. Who could make this crap up? Why would I go on TV and go well, it was a mime. It`s not even a great punch line.
BEHAR: My cell phone is dead. That`s the only mime I know.
BLACK: Oh, no, there are others. They`re creeping around.
BEHAR: Oh, they`re scary mime.
BLACK: Yes, at least it wasn`t a circus clown. That would have been worse.
BEHAR: That`s really scary.
BLACK: Yes.
BEHAR: So, then what happened? Did you get a divorce?
BLACK: Won`t this enough like you (ph) normally do? No, I said, let`s make a bigger family. Let`s all three of us try to work it out.
BEHAR: But then you left -- did the mime marry her?
BLACK: I don`t even -- I think the mime -- no, yes, he did.
BEHAR: He married her?
BLACK: He married her and they --
BEHAR: And that`s a while ago because you`re old now.
BLACK: I have gotten older during this segment.
BEHAR: Has the baby mime --
BLACK: The baby mime has grown up.
BEHAR: Has he turned into a grown-up mime himself?
BLACK: No, no, because then -- if they did get married or lived together, then they separated early on.
BEHAR: All right. Oh, I`m exhausted from you.
BLACK: It`s really great for me.
BEHAR: And you came in on the red-eye. OK.
BLACK: Yes. Imagine what it would be like other words.
BEHAR: OK. The book is called "I`m Dreaming of a Black Christmas."
BLACK: Buy it! It`s a stocking stuffer.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Margaret Cho, next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Actress and comedian, Margaret Cho, is funny, feisty and frank, three of my favorite things, and she`s here with me now. Margaret, so good to see you.
MARGARET CHO, COMEDIAN: Hi.
BEHAR: OK. You know, I want to start with something kind of controversial about, I read in her new memoir, Portia de Rossi, who`s Ellen Degeneres`, are they married?
CHO: They`re married.
BEHAR: OK. She reveals her struggles with anorexia. And she says that at one point, she weighed 82 pounds.
CHO: Wow. Now, I was anorexic and I never broke 150.
BEHAR: Oh, really?
CHO: How come I -- what`s wrong with me? I mean, I was legitimately hospitalized, but I was still 150. How did this girl do it?
BEHAR: Well, because you fought it. That`s why.
CHO: I got a fighting disease.
BEHAR: You fought anorexia.
CHO: That was the weird thing.
BEHAR: Which is worse? Bulimia sounds even worse because it goes through your nose and everything.
CHO: Well, yes, but I was also like not very good at throwing up. So, I would just hold onto it, too. You know, but it`s a disease, you know, anorexia and bulimia. They are as serious as cancer. Something -- it`s deadly.
BEHAR: It could kill you. It kills Karen Carpenter.
CHO: It kills young germs, and it also kills your spirit. And you, know, it`s terrible, but I`m glad that she`s talking about it. It`s nice.
BEHAR: She is talking about it.
CHO: Have some honesty about the subject.
BEHAR: Well, she says that it was at her worst during the time she was on Ally McBeal because, this is interesting, she said that there was a competition to be anorexic over there.
CHO: Yes.
BEHAR: That is really strange.
CHO: Really stiff competition. You know, you`re competing against --
BEHAR: Calista Flockhart.
CHO: She`s like the gold medallist of anorexia. Who`s thinner than that, nobody. I mean, really.
BEHAR: She was thin, but I don`t know if she was anorexic.
CHO: I don`t know if she`s anorexic. You can`t judge. You can`t say, but I think the image of her because she was so thin, whether it was natural or whatever, people thought, that`s what I have to look like. Girls thought, that`s what I have to look like. You know, it`s a competitive kind of a disease because you`re constantly comparing yourself to other women`s bodies, and it`s hard.
BEHAR: Well, Portia de Rossi. I can`t believe she`s Italian even though her name is de Rossi because I`ve never met an Italian who`s bulimic or anorexic. I just haven`t heard of it. The food is too good to resist. I`m sure they`re out there, but I never met one.
Now, let`s go to Sesame Street. Bert may have finally come out of the closet.
CHO: I love it.
BEHAR: This is what he wrote on Twitter. Bert the Puppet.
CHO: Yes.
BEHAR: "Ever notice how similar my hair is to Mr. T`s? The only difference is mine is a little more `mo`, a little less hawk." Now, `mo` is slang for gay, is it not?
CHO: I don`t --
BEHAR: Is this the proof we`ve been waiting for? Is Big Bird now going to come out as a drag queen?
CHO: I don`t think Big Bird is a big drag queen, but I mean, I have always thought of Bert and Ernie as gay. They have been -- they`re long- term couple. They`re going to get married. They`re going to move to Connecticut. I think they`re a fine example of a long-term relationship that`s gone very well.
BEHAR: Absolutely.
CHO: They`re adorable.
BEHAR: Now, other characters have been accused of being gay, you know, Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies.
CHO: Yes, yes.
BEHAR: Spongebob square pants.
CHO: Really?
BEHAR: Yes. They`ve also been accused -- all right.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Let`s do this plug before we go. You have the New York Comedy Festival this weekend.
CHO: Yes.
BEHAR: Last night`s elections going to be very prominent in your set?
CHO: Well, it`s a big part. I mean, we`re right -- right now, it`s so politicize. Like, I`m disappointed about Prop 19, the pot thing. You know, it`s just don`t try to get stoners to go to the polls. They`re not going to go.
BEHAR: Exactly.
CHO: They`re not going to go.
BEHAR: Exactly. OK. Catch Margaret Cho performing her brand new Cho-dependent material at the Beacon Theater on Friday for the New York Comedy Festival. Goodnight, everybody.
END
