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Joy Behar Page
Interview With Suze Orman; Interview With Roseanne Barr
Aired September 02, 2011 - 22:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up on the JOY BEHAR INTERVIEWS, money maven Suze Orman gives her tips and tricks for surviving a bad economy. And she answers your questions.
Plus Roseanne Barr runs the gamut with Joy, from weight loss to comedy to sex. No topic is off limits. She`ll even set the record straight about her infamous national anthem debacle.
That and more starting right now.
JOY BEHAR, HOST: Welcome to the show. Tonight I talk with two of the smartest, most talented women in the world. Believe it or not, neither one of them is in the cast of "Jersey Shore".
You`ll hear from Suze Orman who makes a living helping the middle class save money. Then you`ll hear from Roseanne Barr who made a living portraying the middle class.
Suze is up first. And I started by having her explain the new American Dream.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
SUZE ORMAN, FINANCIAL EXPERT: The new American dream is one that you can attain and keep forever. The old American dream, so we should compare it, so now new and old.
BEHAR: OK.
ORMAN: The old American dream turned into bigger, better, more, more, more.
BEHAR: Plasma screens.
ORMAN: Plasma screens. Three homes, even though you couldn`t afford one.
BEHAR: Three?
ORMAN: Three, you know --
BEHAR: Who has three?
ORMAN: A lot of people do. As soon as people realized that I can buy one house for no money down, that house escalated. They then took money out of that house and bought another house and then they bought another house.
BEHAR: Right.
ORMAN: And everything started to become bigger, bigger, more, more; more cars, more jewelry, more everything.
BEHAR: Yes.
ORMAN: The problem was, is nobody had the money to pay for it. It was financed on mortgages, leases, credit cards. That came tumbling down.
The new American dream for many people now, Joy, really is not to own their own home, it`s to rent. They want to so get out of this home that they`re under water in, they don`t know what to do about it, they want out, they want to be free again, they want to rent. They want to go back to --
BEHAR: Is that a good idea?
ORMAN: I think that`s a great idea.
BEHAR: You like it?
ORMAN: I like that idea.
BEHAR: Even though owning a home usually would give you a lot of security as you got older. You always had your home to live in.
ORMAN: If you could afford the payments. The problem is you can`t afford a payment if you don`t have a job. We don`t have jobs because we`re not making enough jobs here in the United States. Everybody tells us everything is getting better. I don`t see it.
BEHAR: You know, it`s funny; there was a period there where everybody was buying houses right before the crash. I was thinking, why can`t I -- I work, I have a good salary, I have two jobs. Why can`t I afford to buy that house?
The reason I can`t afford to buy that house, is because I don`t want to be in that kind of debt and take all this money to put down, and that`s how my mind worked.
A lot of people were buying those houses, didn`t put any money down, and they really couldn`t afford them to carry the mortgage.
ORMAN: That`s right.
BEHAR: So I was the one who was in reality, I think. And I couldn`t get the house.
ORMAN: In the long run --
BEHAR: But in the long run I was right.
ORMAN: You were right, and they were so wrong.
And then there were those people who did have the money to put down. They were doing everything right. They were putting money in their retirement account, and because of the actions of others, as well as the administration at the time, as well as the SEC, the banks, the mortgage companies, real estate brokers, all of them. They -- the good ones were taken down because when people started to lose their jobs, and things started to go wrong, everybody lost their job. And people who could have afforded a home couldn`t afford it anymore, and then everybody lost.
And the new American dream, however, is one of where you sleep at night, you define yourself by who you are versus all these stupid things that you have around you. That you`re happy, you`re secure, and you create things that can never be taken away from you again.
BEHAR: Right. Did we ever have a period like that in America?
ORMAN: We did.
BEHAR: When was it?
ORMAN: `30s, `40s, `50s; before --
BEHAR: The `50s.
ORMAN: -- credit card companies came out and they said, here, little boy, here little girl, here`s some plastic so you can charge all these things.
There was a time in America where if you had to buy it, you had to have cash.
BEHAR: Right.
ORMAN: You had to have 20 percent down, or you weren`t able to buy a home. There were only fixed-rate mortgages. There weren`t the adjustable, negative amortization.
BEHAR: Yes. See, the co-ops that we have in this country, they require that you have a certain amount down. They check your credentials, your financial credentials, so they never really went down, those prices.
ORMAN: That`s correct. They went down some, but not as much as others.
BEHAR: But not as much, yes.
ORMAN: That`s correct.
BEHAR: How many credit cards should you have?
ORMAN: About two.
BEHAR: Just two?
ORMAN: You should have -- I carry an American Express and a Visa.
BEHAR: That`s what I do, too.
ORMAN: Right. And I carry a Visa simply if somebody doesn`t want to take American Express. Otherwise I love using my American Express. And why? I liked from the beginning the American Express when they had the green card and the gold card. They made it so that you had to pay it off at the end of every month.
BEHAR: Not anymore.
ORMAN: Not anymore. But when it originated --
BEHAR: Yes. That`s why I did it too.
ORMAN: And that`s why I did it.
BEHAR: It controls you.
ORMAN: That`s right, and I liked that, yes.
BEHAR: And also, well, American Express charges a lot of these companies more than, let`s say, Visa or MasterCard. That`s why --
ORMAN: In interchange fees, so a lot of companies or a lot of retailers don`t take American Express because of that. But that`s OK, so I have a Visa.
BEHAR: And how much do I hate these banks. If you go to an ATM machine, and you just want to take $100 out, they charge you $2.50 for that.
ORMAN: Yes.
BEHAR: They`re despicable.
ORMAN: Yes, you cannot hate them more than I hate them.
BEHAR: Well, I hate them more than you hate them.
ORMAN: You do not. Let`s have a hating contest. I hate them more.
(CROSSTALK)
ORMAN: Seriously, how dare they? No, but it`s true. How dare Citibank, Chase --
BEHAR: They`re despicable.
ORMAN: These banks, how dare they at a time when the consumer needed their help, what did they do? They increased the interest rate on their credit card debt, Citi up to 29.99 percent.
BEHAR: Usury.
ORMAN: They increased the minimum payment due from 2 percent up to 5 percent; balance transfer fees to 5 percent. Are you kidding me?
BEHAR: Yes, yes, they`re very, very dangerous.
So what are two things that people should do to get this new American dream, and two things they should not do?
ORMAN: Yes. Two things they need to do are: the most important class I would be taking is this; a class to learn how to stand in your truth. You have to know how much money you have coming in, how much money you have going out. Where are you standing?
And from that point on, you have got to do what`s true for you. Not to keep up with so and so, not what -- what is true for you in your particular situation? Once you know what`s true, then the next thing you have to do is you have to live below your means, but within your needs. So it used to be --
BEHAR: Below your means, within your needs.
ORMAN: Yes. So if it`s a need, you have to buy it. But just because you have money, it doesn`t mean that you can afford it. If you -- the reason people got in trouble is they would have a car. Then they got a raise and then they thought, oh, I can get rid of this car and I could get another car because I just made money, I have the money for more payments. Just because you make more doesn`t mean you should spend more.
BEHAR: That`s good.
ORMAN: If you live below your means --
BEHAR: So it`s really not how much you make. It`s how much you spend.
ORMAN: Yes.
BEHAR: That really counts.
ORMAN: Yes. That is true. So those are two of probably the most important things that one could do.
BEHAR: And what about the things you should not do? Just don`t buy these things if you don`t need? It`s the opposite --
ORMAN: What you should not do is, number one, you shouldn`t buy real estate just because you think today that real estate prices are down, so therefore, it`s a good buy.
BEHAR: Really?
ORMAN: One of the biggest mistakes you will make -- let`s just say Tampa, Florida, for instance. Tampa, Florida a few years ago, you bought a house for $750,000. That same house is now worth $150,000. So you think, oh, my God, look at that great deal. It used to be $750,000 now it`s $150,000.
BEHAR: So then why not buy it for $150,000?
ORMAN: Because you don`t care about if it`s $150,000 -- compared to $750,000. You care about, is it $150,000 then you want to get it for $130,000. So you want to compare the price of real estate to what everything is selling around you now, not to what it used to sell three years ago.
BEHAR: OK. So you say you should buy the house at -- if they`re asking $150,000 only get them down to $130,000.
ORMAN: But you should only buy it if you have 20 percent down. Besides the 20 percent down, you need an eight-month security emergency fund for yourself. That`s your security. You need to be able to afford a fixed rate mortgage of 15 or 30 years. You need to --
BEHAR: Which is better, 15 or 30?
ORMAN: 15. 15 is always half a percent less, but it`s more money every single month.
BEHAR: And do you believe in carrying a mortgage or paying it off if you can?
ORMAN: If you have cash, I would pay it off like this.
BEHAR: Pay it off.
ORMAN: Yes. If you can.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Very interesting.
ORMAN: Yes.
BEHAR: OK, now what about these people out there who have been searching for jobs for over a year? What should they be doing now?
ORMAN: They have to really kind of suck it up. A lot of people are going, "I was making $80,000 a year; I`m going to not take a job until I make $80,000 a year again." Wrong.
If you can find a job that`s paying you $35,000 or $40,000 a year, just take it, because something is better than nothing.
BEHAR: That`s right.
ORMAN: Because if you continue to do nothing, you`ve gone through your emergency fund, now you`re taking money out of your retirement accounts, and now everything has gone to become the biggest financial nightmare. Take a job. Work your way up. Do it again. Start all over.
BEHAR: All that idle time can cause alcoholism. OK. No, seriously, you start to drink, you get upset. You`re depressed, you need medication. And then -- take the job.
ORMAN: And then you go out there and you spend more money, because you want to go out, you`re bored, you don`t know. Take the job. Take the damn job, thank you very much.
BEHAR: It`s like the houses were a $750,000 now it`s $150,000. Your job was $80,000 now it`s $40,000.
ORMAN: That`s correct.
BEHAR: The same concept, really.
Now, what about Social Security, now? You say in your book that you think people should retire at 67. Our grandparents or parents retired at 60.
ORMAN: What I`m really saying is don`t think about retiring until at least 67. If you could work until 70, that would be better, even further. Do you know --
BEHAR: How about 80?
ORMAN: If you can work until 80, go for it.
BEHAR: 90?
ORMAN: If you can, go for it.
BEHAR: I`ll raise you 10, 100.
ORMAN: 150, you got it. Right?
But here`s the thing, is that you know that if you took Social Security at 62, fine. You`ll get your Social Security --
BEHAR: You got less money, though.
ORMAN: You got less money. But if you waited until you were 67 to retire, you would have 40 percent more money in retirement than if you retired at 62. If you waited until you were 70 to retire, you would have 60 percent more in retirement than if you started at 62, in terms of all the money that you have.
BEHAR: But you should check your life expectancy too, shouldn`t you? I mean, if you feel like you`re not going to not make it to 70, I mean really, then you should take it early.
ORMAN: Yes, obviously if you have an illness --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
ORMAN: -- you should do whatever it takes.
BEHAR: Right.
ORMAN: But more people are going to spend more time in retirement than they ever did, right, working. Do you know that when they -- you`re going to love this one -- when they first created Social Security in the `30s, take Social Security at 65. People didn`t live until 65. The average life expectancy was 62. Those suckers never thought you were going to live until 65.
BEHAR: And that they were going to have to pay it.
ORMAN: That is correct.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
BEHAR: Up next, Suze tells me why she thinks you can have $7 million but still not be rich in today`s economy. And no she wasn`t drinking when she said that. You`ll see.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ORMAN: When you know you don`t have the money to go out to eat, don`t go out to eat. Stay at home. If you know that you don`t have the ability to co-sign a loan for somebody because if they can`t pay for it, you`re not going to be able to pay for it, just so "No."
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
BEHAR: I`m back with Suze Orman, her new book is "The Money Class: Learn to Create Your New American Dream". And we`re taking your calls and Facebook questions now.
Ok, let`s start. First of all, before we take a call, I love this survey that I read. Almost half of American millionaires say $7 million is not enough to be rich.
ORMAN: That is correct.
BEHAR: How do you respond to that?
ORMAN: I agree with it.
BEHAR: Really?
ORMAN: Yes. And I will tell you why.
BEHAR: Why?
ORMAN: If you have $7 million, let`s just say you happen to have that in cash, and now you want to invest it. And let`s just say even if you invested it in a five percent municipal bond, five percent of $7 million is what, $350,000 a year? They are used to living on $1 million, $2 million, $3 million dollars a year. $350,000 a year isn`t going to make it for them.
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Well, you know what -- maybe these American millionaires need to get the new American dream?
ORMAN: Maybe they do. But that`s why they`re saying that.
You know, because interest rates are so low right now, there`s no place to really generate money on your money. And who this really affects --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: But they can live on $7 million for 25 years?
ORMAN: Not if they are spending $3 million a year.
BEHAR: But they need to take the Suze Orman test.
(CROSS TALK)
ORMAN: They do. They need to be denied.
BEHAR: Denied.
Ok. Let`s talk to Donna from New Jersey who`s on the phone. What`s your question, Donna?
DONNA, NEW JERSEY (via telephone): Hi, Suze. Hi, Joy.
BEHAR: Hi.
DONNA: I`m one of the Americans that is currently unemployed. I have been unemployed since 2009. I have done some freelance and part-time types of gigs but nothing full-time. I`m looking for that right now.
My concern is that I`m starting to run out of my money, out of my savings, and thinking about either hitting my 410(k) or my pension that I have --
(CROSS TALK)
ORMAN: All right. So let me just stop you right there, and let me tell you why you don`t want to do either of those, especially your 410(k). Girlfriend 410(k)`s are protected against bankruptcy. If you really can`t find a job, you don`t know what to do, and you take money from your 410(k) plan, that`s just going to put a band aid on this problem and is going to postpone you having to find work, forcing you to go out there and do whatever it is you can.
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: So what should she do?
ORMAN: So she needs to not touch her 410(k) plan --
BEHAR: Yes.
ORMAN: Because that is money she`s going to need later on.
Honest to God, if she touches it now, if you do touch it now, you`re going to have a 10 percent penalty. You`re going to have to pay ordinary income tax on it. Please, don`t do that.
What you should be doing is this. You need to, for whatever reason, you said you have part-time work, you do this. It feels like your safety blanket has been your emergency fund, so you haven`t gone out there and forced yourself to take anything and everything to make it, correct?
DONNA: I`ve been out, actually, I mean I`ve just been having a hard time in my business finding work. I mean I -- I am aware of the fact that I`m probably going to have to take a cut in my salary, what I was used to making. I made a nice salary, you know, at the job that I --
(CROSS TALK)
ORMAN: I believe you. But here`s the solution to your problem. Be a warrior and don`t turn your back on the battlefield. You used to make a nice salary, go out there and just make a salary. Stop using your savings and all these other things as a stopgap measure, because when they`re gone you will be in serious trouble. You got that?
BEHAR: Ok.
ORMAN: Got that.
BEHAR: Ok, Donna, thank you very much.
Let me read a question from Facebook. "I work as a nanny and have credit card debt, but really want to buy the new iPad 2, which is about $800 with extras. Should I buy it?"
ORMAN: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Let me iPad this to you. You are so denied. You have credit card debt. You are a nanny. What are you thinking, like you think that the iPad is going to be really that valuable to you? You want money what -- you want money to pay off your credit card debt, you want money for an emergency fund, you want to live the new American dream.
Do you want to continue to get into credit card debt? That is the old American dream. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than that.
BEHAR: So no iPad 2?
ORMAN: No iPad.
BEHAR: No, no, no.
ORMAN: No way.
BEHAR: Ok, let`s -- let`s hear from Francie in Kansas City. What`s your question?
FRANCIE, KANSAS CITY (via telephone): Hi there.
ORMAN: Hi.
FRANCIE: I have a five-year old. And the current topic of choice on the playground right now is 529 --
ORMAN: Yes.
FRANCIE: And when should we be saving -- how much should we be saving, should I be -- you know, investing in the 529?
ORMAN: All right. So, here is my question for you -- for everybody watching tonight, a 529 plan is a college savings program where parents, grandparents could put money in. They do not pay taxes on the money when they take it out, in order to send your child to school.
BEHAR: Nobody pays taxes on it?
ORMAN: No.
BEHAR: Never? Ever?
ORMAN: No, never.
BEHAR: Wow.
ORMAN: Wow.
BEHAR: Wait a minute -- so -- so, I just have a new grandson.
ORMAN: Yes, so you should be doing a 529.
BEHAR: I should be doing a 529. How much do you have to put into that?
ORMAN: You can put as little as you want, or you could put a whole lot into that.
BEHAR: But -- but like you figure, the kid will be going in college in 18 years, or 17 years.
ORMAN: So, then we go on a calculator, we figure out how much you can put in one lump sum now, or you can put it in little by little every single month.
BEHAR: How come the government is letting us get away with this? No taxes?
ORMAN: This has been around for a long time. This is a way that people fund their college education.
BEHAR: Well, that`s the least they can do.
ORMAN: Yes. And -- and --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: It`s going to cost $1 million to go to Harvard in 20 years.
ORMAN: I know, we have to really wonder if it`s worth it.
BEHAR: And I know my grandson will get in.
ORMAN: No doubt. Maybe if you`re nice to me, I`ll write him a recommendation.
BEHAR: Ok.
(CROSS TALK)
ORMAN: All right. They think, oh maybe Suze Orman will give us some money.
But anyway -- here`s the thing. Do you have credit card debt?
FRANCIE: No.
ORMAN: Do you have an eight-month emergency fund?
FRANCIE: Six months.
ORMAN: Six months? You need eight months. You know what I tell you all.
Have you been funding your retirement accounts to the max? That`s a no. Did you hear the breath -- it`s like your wheezing on me, right? No. You don`t.
And you`re talking to me about funding your child`s college education. No, you don`t have the money to do it. Have a conversation with your kid, tell the kid to get good -- great grades, get scholarships, but you don`t have the money to do so.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
BEHAR: When we come back Suze answers more of your questions.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I was late for a charity event I was hosting. So I quickly got dressed, ran down to the lake, hopped on my covered jet ski that turns into a motorcycle and scooted on down to the Tampax Pearl Women`s Business Expo.
It was a magical evening raising a lot of money for women, for good ladies who have small businesses and big periods.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
BEHAR: She`s just right -- spot on. That was SNL`s take on my guest Suze Orman, and she`s answering your questions. So, let`s go.
The next caller is Sarah from New Jersey. Sarah.
SARAH (via telephone): Hi, thank you for taking my call.
BEHAR: OK
SARAH: Suze, I need help with investing. I -- other than my retirement accounts and my son`s college fund, I don`t know where to begin. I have money just sitting in a standard savings account that`s collecting almost no interest. And I don`t know what to do with this money.
ORMAN: Do you own a home?
SARAH: I do.
ORMAN: Do you have a mortgage on the home?
SARAH: I do.
ORMAN: At what interest rate?
SARAH: Five percent.
ORMAN: And is this a home that you`re going to keep for the rest of your life?
SARAH: For the next ten or 15 years probably.
ORMAN: And -- and is this -- and how old are you?
SARAH: I`m 39.
ORMAN: 39? Here`s what I would be doing at 39. Because you`re going to keep it for ten or 15 more years, it`s possible you could keep it even longer than that. Why don`t you just use this extra money and pay down the mortgage of that home? That is a guaranteed five percent return on your money.
It doesn`t matter if the market goes up, it doesn`t matter if the market goes down. And your -- your biggest expense in retirement happens to be what -- the mortgage on your home.
So if I had extra money and I didn`t know what to do with it, which means I`m not comfortable in investing it, pay off the mortgage on your home. It`s just that simple.
BEHAR: OK. Thank you for calling.
Now, here`s a Facebook question. "I bought my house for $325,000. It`s now worth $195,000. Should I sell it?"
ORMAN: No, no, listen to me my little dear ones. That`s me imitating Kristen Wiig imitating me. But that`s beside the point.
BEHAR: OK, this is so post-modern.
ORMAN: I`m telling -- this is what I say. Yes, you should -- you should sell it. The chances of that house ever coming back to $325,000 are nil -- nil.
BEHAR: Take the hit?
ORMAN: So take the hit right now. And the reason you want to take the hit right now is this. December 31st of 2012 if you -- after that date if you do a short sale, which means you owe -- you owe, let`s just say you owed $300,000 on this home and all you can get is $200,000 in a short sale, you will owe income tax on that $100,000 difference.
Prior to that, if it`s your primary residency, you do not owe income tax on the difference between the two numbers that you just read to me. So, therefore, if you`re going to do it, do it now.
BEHAR: OK, that`s very interesting. Get rid of it if you can.
ORMAN: Otherwise the difference -- everybody thinks that it`s not a big deal, do a short sale. I owe $200,000 whatever. It`s a big deal after December 31st, 2012.
BEHAR: OK, we don`t have any time left, I don`t think. But you know, do we have time for one more caller?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No.
BEHAR: No, we don`t. I`m sorry out there.
ORMAN: No problem.
BEHAR: It was terrific, though. You`re so good. But what makes you really mad these days? What thing is making you really mad?
ORMAN: What really makes me mad is when I see what the banks are doing to people --
BEHAR: Right.
ORMAN: -- what financial advisors tell people that help every day, good, ordinary people are really getting ripped off right and left with insurance policies, with this and that and they`re wasting money and they don`t have the money to waste. That really makes me mad.
BEHAR: OK, what about those people like remember, when they`d knock on your door you just won $100,000. It`s a bunch of baloney, right?
ORMAN: Yes, most of them; but every once in a while it`s true. So you might as well try to cash the check. Who cares if it bounces? It might just cash.
BEHAR: OK.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
BEHAR: Up next is Roseanne Barr. She`s a comedian, an actress, an activist and believe it or not, a nut farmer. I know, sounds nuts.
Stick around. She`ll explain.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Welcome back to the show. Roseanne Barr, a nice girl from Utah, but she went on to become one of the biggest TV stars in Hollywood, and now she`s the most famous nut farmer in Hawaii. When she was on my show, I had to ask her exactly how that happened.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
BARR: I do part-time live on a Hawaiian nut farm in the rain forest of Hawaii, yes, I do.
BEHAR: Did you specifically pick living on a nut farm so that you could say I live on a nut farm?
BARR: So that I could say I live on a nut farm? No, it just kind of worked out that way, but it was like bashert.
BEHAR: It was bashert?
BARR: Yes.
BEHAR: Tell everybody what bashert means.
BARR: Decreed in heaven before earth.
BEHAR: Yes. Yes. Now, I loved your book. I loved --
BARR: Thank you.
BEHAR: Some of the things you say in the book are so great.
BARR: Thank you.
BEHAR: First of all, like losing weight.
BARR: Yes.
BEHAR: About dieting.
BARR: That`s it.
BEHAR: Yes. Tell me about it.
BARR: Well, I`m the diet expert because I`ve gained and lost over 14,000 pounds in my lifetime, so I know exactly what -- I know how to gain it and I know how to lose it, and a lot of these women these days, they don`t take credit for both sides. They`re just like go, I lost weight and you`re supposed to applaud. What about women who want to gain weight?
BEHAR: Yes. All ten of them in the world. Who are they?
BARR: No, but I mean, we want to get -- I want to get fat sometimes.
BEHAR: Why?
BARR: Because it`s fantastic.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: To just get fat.
BARR: I never thought that -- I knew, I prayed and hoped when I was a young girl that some day, it would be the cool thing in the world to be fat. And now, it`s happened.
BEHAR: No, you`re thinner than you used to be.
BARR: No. But everywhere I go, there`s like these young guys, and they`re muscling these really tall, thin model blondes out of the way to get to me.
BEHAR: Oh, is that so?
BARR: It`s just fantastic. Because they know I have something to say and they want to hear it. They`re tired of vacuous Barbie dolls with duck lips. They`ve let me know this.
BEHAR: What about exercise? Do you do that?
BARR: Hell no. That would be like failure. That would be like failure.
BEHAR: That`s admitting failure. All right. Now --
BARR: But when I want to lose weight, Joy --
BEHAR: Yes?
BARR: I have a simple solution.
BEHAR: Which is?
BARR: I eat less and move more. And it really does, for some reason, work.
BEHAR: Gee, what an original idea.
BARR: It really works.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: I do the opposite. I eat more and move less.
BARR: Well, because you want to get fat. Admit it.
BEHAR: Psychologically, I want to get fat. Yes. You know, there are a few things in the news this week that are interesting, I`d be interested in your comments.
BARR: Really.
BEHAR: For example, Hugh Hefner.
BARR: Oh, he`s old.
BEHAR: He`s 84. And he just got engaged to his 24-year-old girlfriend. Your thoughts?
BARR: She -- more power to her. I mean, you know, I guess she loves him. I guess, she`s not just having sex with him because he`s really old and a multibillionaire. I guess, she really, really cares about the guy, and she likes helping him put on his pajamas and walk down the stairs.
BEHAR: Yes.
BARR: It`s a fantastic thing for both of them.
BEHAR: But you say in your book that nobody wants to shag an old man.
BARR: No.
BEHAR: What about an old woman?
BARR: Nobody wants to have sex with an old woman either, unless she`s fat. And then like, you know, like I say.
BEHAR: Now, you also said recently that Sarah Palin stole your act. What are you talking about?
BARR: She acts just like me. It really bugs me. I mean, it really bugs me. She acts like me. She looks like me. She talks like me. She is stealing my act, and it`s not just me saying it. It was in the "New York Times." Everybody has been saying it who, you know, looks at TV and what she`s doing. There`s a picture of me with glasses and a bun years before her. She`s doing my act except she`s doing it wrong. You`re supposed to - - if you`re going to steal from me --
BEHAR: Yes.
BARR: Here`s how you do it. You have to do it right. You got to be for the working people. Not against them. That makes me mad.
BEHAR: Well, she also was a domestic goddess like you have been.
BARR: Yes.
BEHAR: Because she`s all about, you know, hunting. By the way, are you scared that she`ll come and shoot you if you keep saying she stole your act?
BARR: No, because I`m heavily armed myself, Joy. I have a number of weapons, and I`m pro guns. I love guns.
BEHAR: You love guns.
BARR: I love shooting guns. And if anybody comes to trespass on my property without my permission, including Sarah Palin --
BEHAR: Yes.
BARR: She better look out because I`m armed.
BEHAR: Like if somebody wants to come and steal some of your nuts?
BARR: That`s right. They better not be coming for my nuts. I`m growing nuts. Macadamia nuts. And, Joy, really, like for all the things that I -- I`m serious now, for all the things that I`ve ever done in my life, I feel like my real purpose on life is to get it known about how fantastic the macadamia nut is if you`ll just give me a minute.
It`s a perfect protein, Joy. And it has no carbohydrates. It`s full of fat, but it`s the right kind of fat that the human body needs. So, if we would start getting our protein from macadamia nuts, we could suspend all cheeseburger farming, and, hence, do away with greenhouse gas effect. So, I`m always trying to save the world.
BEHAR: OK. That`s really nice, but macadamia --
BARR: And it tastes so good.
BEHAR: But they make you constipated.
BARR: I don`t find that. I find it`s a nice roughage. I really do. I find it`s a lot of nice roughage.
BEHAR: All right. Now, you know, when I look up your name on the Internet or something, I always see a lot of controversy around you. Mine, too sometimes.
BARR: I don`t know why.
BEHAR: Because we`re comedians, and we say crazy things.
BARR: Because we`re comedians, that`s correct.
BEHAR: Yes. But when you, I remember when you sang the national anthem.
BARR: I don`t.
BEHAR: I remember it.
BARR: No, I do.
BEHAR: And you caused quite a cause celebre because of that. Can we watch some of it again?
BARR: Oh, my God. Are you kidding?
BEHAR: I love it. It second only to the Mel Gibson tapes. Let`s watch it.
(LAUGHTER)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BARR (SINGING) o`er the land of the free and the home of the brave --
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BARR: Oh, my God.
BEHAR: OK. Now, --
BARR: That was the day, Joy, I`m so glad you brought it up. In my book, Roseannearchy --
BEHAR: Yes.
BARR: I state how at age 12 I was so jealous of my younger cousin, Debby, who got a dog food commercial when all I ever wanted to do was star in commercials, and I couldn`t get a commercial, and my Aunt Yeda who was the agent, she said you`re too fat to be in any commercials. And it devastated me until I made a deal with Satan. I sold my soul to Satan when I was 12 so that I could become a rich and famous star and still have men like me without having to lose weight. OK.
BEHAR: Did it work? It worked.
BARR: I forgot all about it. Of course, it worked. Then, I sang the "Star-Spangled Banner," and afterward, when I realized how badly I screwed up, I realized Satan was coming for my soul, and I had to turn it around. And the end of my book, Roseannearchy is me inviting Satan to Spago so that I could ask for a refi on my soul because I wanted my soul back from Satan.
BEHAR: Yes, sure.
BARR: And, you know, I was -- it`s a surprise ending, and people will like it.
BEHAR: Yes. Well, it`s a very positive book in many ways.
BARR: Thank you.
BEHAR: But the thing about that incident --
BARR: It was the worst day of my life.
BEHAR: It was terrible. But what prompted you to go out there and act like that or do that? I know you had a bad day because of your cousin, but besides that?
BARR: OK. The night before I was going to sing it, I mean, it was working woman`s night and the guy that owned the Roseanne Show owned the Padres and invited me. I was singing in my act at the time, and I sing pretty good. No one believes me. And the other thing in the book is after this devastation of the "Star-Spangled Banner" because I started too high and then I tried to make it funny because I knew I couldn`t do it.
BEHAR: Well, you were supposed to be funny doing it.
BARR: No, I wasn`t going to do it funny.
BEHAR: Oh, really?
(CROSSTALK)
BARR: No, I was going to do it serious, and I could do it. I just started too high. It`s simple. But, Joy, the redemption for me came with the phone call from Mr. Tony Bennett, a great artist, as you know, and he invited me to sing for three United States presidents with him after this devastating thing.
BEHAR: Really?
BARR: This thing that devastated my life -- I`m glad it`s just a footnote to you -- but, no, it devastated my whole life, and they threatened to take the Roseanne Show off. It was awful.
BEHAR: I think it was the spitting that got the death threats going.
BARR: That I was like, you know, trying to imitate a baseball player.
BEHAR: I know.
BARR: It`s just all misunderstood. But, Joy, I did sing for three United States presidents despite all --
BEHAR: Living ones?
BARR: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
BARR: Live. Live.
BEHAR: Do you know how fat President Taft was that they had to make a special bathtub for him because he was so fat. I`m just saying.
BARR: I did not sing for the fat President Taft.
BEHAR: I know you didn`t. I just re-associated to that.
BARR: I sang for Clinton, Ford, and Carter. And Mr. Jimmy Carter, who I love, and I`m going to say, I love Mr. Jimmy -- president, Mr. Jimmy Carter. He`s the greatest president we ever had, and I`m tired of him being run down for this criminal Ronald Reagan who I hate. Jimmy Carter is a real Christian, and I love Jimmy Carter. And he gave me the thumbs up when I looked out there, Joy.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
BEHAR: After the break, I talked to Roseanne about her groundbreaking sitcom, one of my all-time favorites.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BARR: The guy is a lot like this doughnut. OK? So, first you got to get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him.
(LAUGHTER)
BARR: And then you got to get rid all that macho crap they pick up from the beer commercials.
(LAUGHTER)
BARR: And then, there`s my personal favorite, the male ego.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: That was her from the groundbreaking sitcom "Roseanne." Its creator, Roseanne Barr, is with me talking about her new book, "Rosannearchy."
BARR: I`m never getting another perm.
BEHAR: Can I just say that show was really, really funny. And I don`t like sitcoms as a rule. I`ve never seen "Friends," for example, once. I`ve never seen it. But your show was funny.
BARR: Thank you. Thanks.
BEHAR: It was as funny as "I Love Lucy."
BARR: I love that.
BEHAR: It was.
BARR: Thank you very much. And "I Love Lucy" was very funny.
BEHAR: Because you were funny.
BARR: Thank you.
BEHAR: But you jumped the shark as they say when you guys won the lottery. Who made that stupid decision to do that?
BARR: Me. Yes, bad --
BEHAR: OK. Never mind.
BARR: It was a great decision. And I`m so happy that I did it.
BEHAR: It was the worst decision.
BARR: I wanted to do it.
BEHAR: I know. But as soon as you did that, the show lost all of its pizzazz.
BARR: I don`t agree with you. And I would suggest that you go back in time and watch it again because it`s completely relevant, and I knew it at the time. I thought, well, you know, in 10 years, it`s going to be exactly right on, and it is. It was all about the difference between being rich and being poor, that whole ninth season, and it`s like completely relevant.
BEHAR: But that was the last season.
BARR: I know that was my last season. That`s how I wanted to leave it. I wanted to leave --
BEHAR: Oh, it was your choice.
BARR: Yes. It was a show about a woman who, you know, wins the lottery.
BEHAR: Yes.
BARR: And, you know, actually a show about a woman who gets fired from her union job and then wins the lottery, and like buys back the town`s factory and gives it to the townspeople. It was my perfect ending for my show.
BEHAR: OK.
BARR: That`s what it was about.
BEHAR: All right. I take it back.
BARR: You should.
BEHAR: I take it all back. I`m sorry.
BARR: Wow.
BEHAR: And you don`t hate Ronald Reagan. Take it back.
BARR: No, I don`t hate Ronald Reagan, but I hate Reaganomics, OK? I don`t speak ill of the dead. I`m so wrong. Sometimes, I have to go -- every day I have to start my day by apologizing for what I said yesterday. I did not hate Ronald Reagan. That`s wrong. But I hate Reaganomics. They don`t work, and it`s not a good system.
BEHAR: OK. Now, you also go after Oprah in your book. What have you got against Oprah?
BARR: I don`t go after Oprah.
BEHAR: You said Oprah has never done a show on capitalism, which made her a billionaire, and that pisses me off.
BARR: It does piss me off.
BEHAR: Well, why?
BARR: Because we should have a whole bunch of shows about capitalism right now.
BEHAR: Just because she made a lot of money, she should talk about capitalism?
BARR: Yes, absolutely.
BEHAR: But you made a lot of money, you don`t talk about capitalism.
BARR: The hell if I don`t talk about capitalism, Joy. You`re wrong again. My book is all about capitalism and how much it sucks.
(LAUGHTER)
BARR: What do you think of that?
BEHAR: But when you made a billion dollars, maybe you don`t think it sucks.
BARR: Just because you`re rich doesn`t mean you`re -- why am I screaming?
BEHAR: A capitalist.
BARR: Doesn`t mean you`re horrible. I`ve done a lot of good things with my money, Joy.
BEHAR: I know.
BARR: And I love it. I get a big, big thrill in my life, I just have to say this, when I give money to a good cause, and I give a significant -- I hate that I`m saying this, I`m going to go to hell. But I give a significant amount to charity and a lot of rich people do.
BEHAR: I know they do.
BARR: A lot of people are real good, and they`re not all, you know, and Oprah is good, too.
BEHAR: Yes.
BARR: But I wanted her to talk about capitalism because that`s why we`re in trouble.
BEHAR: Well, maybe she doesn`t feel like it. She has a new, you know, a new network, so maybe she`ll do it over there.
BARR: I hope so.
BEHAR: Well, let`s hope so. OK. Now, you`re also a big supporter of gay rights.
BARR: Yes.
BEHAR: OK. Years ago now, I found out that you outed Rosie O`Donnell, and Carrie Fisher got mad at you. And now Carrie Fisher has outed -- supposedly, allegedly outed John Travolta, and he`s ticked off at her. What do you have to say to Carrie Fisher?
BARR: I want to come out of the closet right now, Joy.
BEHAR: OK.
BARR: I`m gay.
BEHAR: You are?
BARR: Yes.
BEHAR: But I met the boyfriend. I don`t think you`re gay.
BARR: No, I don`t know. I mean, it just kind of like how times change.
BEHAR: But what do you think about Carrie doing that?
BARR: I`ve wondered about it, and because she was so mad at me when I accidentally did it.
BEHAR: Really? What did you say?
BARR: I said, they said what`s going to be the difference between your show and Rosie O`Donnell`s? We both had talk shows. And I simply said, I`m, you know, my show is going to like, you know, I don`t know. I said something like, you know, something like that.
BEHAR: My show will be straight, and hers will be gay?
BARR: Kind of. Something stupid.
BEHAR: This is before she came out.
BARR: Yes.
BEHAR: So, did she call you and say, listen --
BARR: She did. And she told me to mind my own business.
BEHAR: She did.
BARR: She sure did. And I sure did apologize and eat crow. And I`m sure I`m going to have to eat more crow after being on your show, too.
BEHAR: But Carrie Fisher, I don`t think she`s backed off on it. I haven`t read that she has.
BARR: I mean, you know, it`s that whole thing that everybody talks about all the time. I mean, it`s still like so hard for gay people to come out. It`s still like legitimately dangerous.
BEHAR: Well, they`re saying --
BARR: In so many places. And you want to fight against that, you know?
BEHAR: Yes.
BARR: But maybe it`s not the right thing. People need to be able to say it themselves. But sometimes, you want to encourage them, you know? Just get it over with. Like don`t ask don`t tell. Just get it over with. Stop it.
BEHAR: It took them a while, but they got it. They got it. It`s done. Obama did it. The left was yelling at him. The right is yelling at him. Meanwhile, he got plenty of things done. He`s a very good president. Don`t you like him?
BARR: I think he can be a better president. I don`t dislike him, and I don`t think you should run down the president like in a time of war and we`re always in a war.
BEHAR: We did that to George Bush. The left was merciless.
BARR: Oh, I`m just saying that because that`s what the right says. But, you know, I think he could be a better president for sure. And I`m all for him being a better president and doing a lot of things that he promised to do and doing them quickly, but they need to be done.
BEHAR: What would you do if you were president?
BARR: Well, if I was president, you know, I`m running for president.
BEHAR: I heard, yes.
BARR: Running for president of these United States plus prime minister of Israel, a two-fer.
(LAUGHTER)
BARR: Because I know how to solve problems. And if I don`t, I`m going to find the people that do. I`m going to solve something, damn it. I`m running on the green tea party ticket. Green tea.
BEHAR: I got it.
BARR: And my church is, because you have to have a corresponding church or you will never get elected.
BEHAR: That`s right.
BARR: The church of common sense.
BEHAR: OK. They will never elect an atheist, I understand, in this country. Many, many people I speak to say that will never happen.
BARR: Well, we have had a lot of great atheist presidents in the past.
BEHAR: Really?
BARR: Yes.
BEHAR: Who?
BARR: Aaron Burr.
BEHAR: He was never president.
(LAUGHTER)
BARR: I don`t know. What`s his name? Thomas Jefferson.
BEHAR: You`re thinking Raymond Burr.
BARR: Thomas Jefferson.
BEHAR: Jefferson was a theist. He believed in God. Yes.
BARR: OK. Well, I`m sure there was someone. I`m sure they were good.
BEHAR: Taft when they took him out of the tub because he was so fat, then he said I don`t believe in God.
BARR: Well, I do. I think, you know, I mean in America whether you do or don`t believe in God, I mean, how are you supposed to believe somebody like that, like somebody saying they believe in God but like then they go and drop a bunch of bombs? What`s true?
BEHAR: Exactly.
BARR: Maybe they`re all atheists. That`s my opinion. Or Satanists or something, because they don`t do the right thing ever, so how can they be theists?
BEHAR: All right.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Up next, Roseanne answers your Twitter questions.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BARR: But I was too afraid to take testosterone because I don`t know what it`ll do to me. I mean, I knew right away that my I.Q. would decrease by half. I knew that.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Wow. The very dishy-looking Roseanne Barr.
BARR: I might go back blonde.
BEHAR: You need to do and go your hair blonde again. I love it.
BARR: I might for the summer.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: It`s always the summer in Hawaii at the nut farm, isn`t it?
BARR: No. It rains all the time. We got seasons there.
BEHAR: Oh, really? OK. I have some Twitter questions for you.
BARR: Oh, good. I love Twitter.
BEHAR: These are not my questions.
BARR: Oh.
BEHAR: These are from people out there.
BARR: Twittering?
BEHAR: If you don`t want to answer it, just say I don`t want to answer it.
BARR: OK.
BEHAR: Is there one nice thing you can say about Tom Arnold?
BARR: Absolutely.
BEHAR: What is it?
BARR: You know, that he`s funny.
BEHAR: OK. Next, you have global fame. How is that different from Snooki fame?
BARR: Well, Snooki and I were just the other night having dinner with Fran Lebowitz, and we`re all talking about the new books that we`ve authored.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Although, (INAUDIBLE)
(CROSSTALK)
BARR: Yes. And I was like -- Snooki is like "Star Trek." She really, really is a deep, deep thinker.
BEHAR: Existentialism in Jersey is very big these days.
BARR: It is. Very much. And I have to say, I`m a fan. I really am a fan of Snooki.
BEHAR: Aha. Why did your dad say Santa is an anti-Semite?
BARR: Because my father was like the funniest human being in the world, and that`s what he told us why Santa didn`t come to our house when we were little.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Because you were Jewish.
BARR: Yes, we`re Jewish.
BEHAR: You are Jewish.
BARR: Yes, I am Jewish, and I still am Jewish. And my father would say it`s because Santa is an anti-Semite. So, we`d go how come Santa doesn`t come to our house? Because Santa is an anti-Semite.
(LAUGHTER)
BARR: He was very funny.
BEHAR: And you believed him?
BARR: Yes. All I wanted was like Santa, and then like, I finally got a picture with Santa, which I have in my, one of my books and it was like the happiest day of my life. And I was like only 8 with this little hat. And I finally got to Santa because I thought he was like God. And so, I`m like, Santa, I want this Judy the walking doll thing, and he`s like OK, next or whatever. He wasn`t a very sensitive Santa. And then I didn`t get it!
BEHAR: Oh.
BARR: See, that`s why I feel sorry for kids with this Santa thing.
BEHAR: But that was when the devil was in you.
BARR: No. It`s because my parents didn`t buy me a Judy the walking doll.
BEHAR: Oh, was that when you were married to Tom Arnold?
BARR: No. It`s when I was a kid.
BEHAR: OK. Just kidding.
BARR: What did you say?
BEHAR: I said that was when the devil was in you, or was that when Tom Arnold was married to you?
BARR: Well, you know, getting famous is definitely a deal with the devil.
BEHAR: Yes.
BARR: You got to remain silent about the worst things, and that`s how it always felt to me. I can`t say nothing about that because I`ll get into too much trouble and I`ll lose some money. It`s a deal with the devil.
BEHAR: You know what, Roseanne, there`s nothing negative about being a celebrity. People who say it`s negative are lying. I don`t see any negatives. What do you see?
BARR: I don`t see any negatives either, and I like that -- I try to think up, you know, with what you`ve got celebrity, you could live to your highest use and serve some other people, which like if you`re a spiritual person or whatever you want to call it, that became important to me. So I was like I got a high use. I can like shine light on good things and help good things and fund good things. So, I mean, to me that`s kind of like being in heaven. You don`t get a better life than that.
BEHAR: You know, you`ve become such a good person.
BARR: Not really. It`s all an act.
(LAUGHTER)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: That`s our show. Thank you for watching. Good night, everybody.
END
