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Dr. Drew
What Do Women Want?
Aired June 13, 2012 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
DR. DREW PINSKY, HOST: Here we go.
Ladies, it is your turn to tell us what you want from the guys. Now, you say we don`t get it, well, guess what? We don`t. So call in and tell us.
I`ve got Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley from "Real Housewives of Orange County" here. They`re going to be part of this conversation on what women want.
Call 855-DRDREW5 right now with your questions.
And later, I`m speaking to a female blogger who created an online dating experiment and got some shocking responses. If you`ve had an Internet romance horror story, call now.
Let`s get started.
(MUSIC)
PINSKY: All right. Now, it is sex and relationships Wednesday, as always. And tonight, we`re trying to answer the question, what do women really want from men?
And here`s the deal, guys. This show tonight is on you. Where this show goes is completely depending on the questions you ask us and we`re taking any question you have. We`re taking calls.
And here to help me, to make sure we can really go across all territory, I`ve got a powerhouse team to join me, my "Loveline" co-hosts Simone Bienne and Michael Catherwood.
Simone, where should we go with this conversation? I`m going to go to calls fast, but what do you think this is going to be about tonight?
SIMONE BIENNE, DR. DREW`S "LOVELINE` CO-HOST: I think women will say they want men to lie to them more.
PINSKY: Lie to them more?
BIENNE: Yes. So when we ask, does my bum look big in this? You will say, of course not darling. When with we ask you to come out for a romantic dinner, you say, I would love to! And you`re not thinking in your head, if I do that, it means, we`re going to have sex tonight.
PINSKY: Mike, you won`t be thinking that?
MIKE CATHERWOOD, DR. DREW`S "LOVELINE" CO-HOST: No. Sure, of course we won`t.
BIENNE: There you go, lying. Wonderful!
PINSKY: All right. Let`s go to calls. Let`s talk to Betty. Again, our number is 885-373-7395. That`s 855-DRDREW5.
Betty, go right ahead.
BETTY, CALLER FROM CALIFORNIA: Hi, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Hi, Betty.
BETTY: I`m Betty from West Hollywood, California.
PINSKY: Excellent. Right around the corner here.
BETTY: Yes. So, my question is, I`m kind of in a relationship with a gentleman and it`s sort of a friends with benefits situation.
PINSKY: Right.
BETTY: And so he says he loves me but not enough to possibly be in a relationship with. However, we hang out at the same bar and when he sees me talking to another guy, he`ll come around and make it be known that I`m kind of his to the guy that I`m potentially talking to.
PINSKY: All right. Betty, Betty, you`re getting lost in the confusion of the male psyche. You`re getting deeply lost in it. Let me tell you -- hang on, I`m going to have Mike ring in on this in just a second.
But the number one thing is, just because he`s sleeping with you does not mean he loves you. Please don`t ever confuse those things. Men can divorce those two phenomenon and do commonly.
By the same token, just because he wants possession of you, he has his male ego, does mean anything more than he has some very primitive kind of need to mark his territory.
Mike, you agree with me on this?
CATHERWOOD: Yes. I mean, Betty, you`re kind of like the parent taking your kid and setting him aside and saying, my kid really listens to me. He says he doesn`t want to eat all the candy he wants to, but he does. Then he says he doesn`t want to have cake for breakfast, but he does.
You`ve got to understand, he says he loves you and he doesn`t love you enough to be in a relationship. But he`ll have sex with you though, as much as you want, I mean, whenever you`re ready for that.
He doesn`t mind you dating other people, but you guys hang out at the same bar, shocking that you guys frequent bars, by the way. And when you talk to another guy, what happens? He gets super jealous.
So you`re allowing him his pie and eat it, too.
PINSKY: Oh, my God, Mike.
So, Simone, just give Betty a closing comment on how she can move on.
BIENNE: You need to set boundaries, Betty. Absolutely. Set your boundaries and say, you know what? This isn`t working for me.
Because when you sometimes show him you can`t have his cake and eat it --
PINSKY: His pie he said I believe.
BEINNE: I know, but there`s a double entendre there --
(CROSSTALK)
PINSKY: Thank you, Simone. Thank you for that.
CATHERWOOD: Welcome to America.
BIENNE: Betty, for you when you say that you have your cake and eat it, don`t let him get away with that. Have self respect and just watch how he might come running.
PINSKY: There you go.
Kyle in Michigan, Kyle, what do you have for me? Kyle?
KYLE, CALLER FROM MICHIGAN: Dr. Drew, I was just going to ask if it`s all right to have three-ways in a marriage.
PINSKY: In a marriage. Let me just -- we`ll each ring in on this one. I will just say that I`ve never seen it work out long term. When the primary intimacy is diminished by bringing in another person, it decays the primary intimacy. Now, two sex addicts acting out, two alcoholics doing their thing, it can be fun but it will end in disaster.
Simone, you agree?
BIENNE: I completely agree with you, Dr. Drew. What`s really interesting is, couples think, oh, after long term together, you know, how do we spice up our sex life? That isn`t the way because it just destroys it, because you cannot get that picture out of your mind. And that is both men and women.
So I would say don`t do it. Try and add some role-play into your relationship. Women love that especially once they`re married because they do feel safe already. Share some fantasies and see where it takes you.
PINSKY: And, Mike, finally, your comment?
CATHERWOOD: Well, I understand your desire to want a threesome --
PINSKY: Hold on a second, a young male wants to have threesome?
CATHERWOOD: Sure, I mean, exactly. On paper, it sounds fantastic. But in the end, it`s only going to decay intimacy.
PINSKY: That`s right. It`s like communism. It looks great on paper, but when you`re talking about human beings, it ain`t working so good in real life.
Sasha in Illinois -- Sasha, what do you have for me?
SASHA, CALLER FROM ILLINOIS: Hi, Drew. This is Sasha from Chicago.
PINSKY: Hey there. What I want to mention is, women -- what we`re looking for in a man is just honesty. Be honest in what it is you`re looking for, from that woman. If you`re looking for just a friend, be honest with that woman. If you aren`t looking for a wife, don`t mislead her into thinking you`re ready for marriage.
PINSKY: I want Mike -- because you opened Simone by telling us to lie. But I think she`s talking about something different. She`s saying let your intentions be known up front.
But, Mike, if you let your intentions be known upfront, what happens?
CATHERWOOD: You`re going to be single forever.
PINSKY: Not even single, but alone.
CATHERWOOD: I mean, you -- it`s like going to your job interview. Think of it that way. You`re not going to say, well, I dropped out of high school because I`m a terrible student. I don`t really have any skill set at all and I`m a reprehensible person.
You`re going to want to lie up. And the same thing goes when you first meet a lady. You want to make yourself seem appealing even if you`re not. You can`t fault a guy for fudging a little bit.
PINSKY: However, I agree with Sasha -- are you still there, Sasha?
SASHA: I am.
PINSKY: Yes, I absolutely agree with you that you know, men later in life can wears on their soul when they have --
BIENNE: And there are differences between big lies and little lies. If it`s like, I`m not interested in nothing too serious. That`s being straight-up and I think that would be OK. But if it`s saying, I`m look for a wife and actually you`re just looking for someone to do some horizontal folk dancing with you --
PINSKY: When I talk to young men, I say, you don`t want to be that guy. That`s what they want to be when they really stop thinking about it.
Thanks, Sasha.
We`re going to keep this conversation going. So, call us at 855- DRDREW5.
And we`ll be right back in just a second.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
PINSKY: Welcome back to what we call sex and relationships Wednesday.
I`m joined by my co-hosts from "Loveline" Simone Bienne and Michael Catherwood.
And listen, guys, we are going to go anywhere tonight, so I suggest you bring your calls about sex and relationships and really anywhere you want to go, things you`ve been afraid to ask. This little team has been doing this a while, we`re pretty good at answering these things.
So, your wildest stuff, your most difficult material, we want it tonight.
Back to your calls.
Carol in Washington, what do you got for me?
CAROL, CALER FROM WASHINGTON: Hi, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Hi, Carol.
CAROL: I do want to know why people have it all backwards where you`re supposed to have sex and then figure out if you`re going to have a relationship or not. Then the ones that want one after the sex crave it and the ones that don`t ruin it and so everybody of gets so confused. I don`t know.
PINSKY: Right. It`s great question. What they say is, you know, men want a relationship so they can have sex and women want sex so they have a relationship. It`s all screwed up in priorities.
Simone, how would you answer this question?
BIENNE: I think it`s really important to know exactly what you want from the start. I recommend to women, if they do want a relationship, don`t have sex because straightaway you get too attached to somebody. Hormones that you release, you bond. You don`t even know if you like them. That`s a problem for women because women actually find themselves being attracted to somebody who they wouldn`t necessarily be attracted to.
So I say, have a 10-day rule. But then I`m old-fashioned. Mike would say something completely different.
CATHERWOOD: No. I mean, I think that`s great advice. But personally, I don`t understand why you`re so concerned. I think that even if people`s intentions to go in a certain direction are different, as long as they end up in the same place -- like if a guy is in a relationship for sex but happens to develop intimacy and a woman is in it for intimacy and sex comes out of it, then there`s that Venn diagram --
PINSKY: But, Mike, it rarely goes that way, that`s why we`re having this conversation.
CATHERWOOD: Sure. But that`s the part of finding who`s right.
PINSKY: You`re right. Let`s go to -- Simone is right, but keep your priorities in mind and be clear what you`re trying to do, and don`t be so busy trying to make everybody else happy.
Marcy in Texas, what do you got?
MARCY, CALLER FROM TEXAS: Hi, Drew. Listen, this is my question. Why do men always think that they have to solve everything? I mean, women give you a question. They say look, let me talk to you about this, and men just want to offer a solution and fix it.
Why can`t they just listen and then they would know exactly what we want?
PINSKY: No, we wouldn`t. That`s part of the problem because you just want us to listen, and that`s very hard job for us.
Mike, she just wants you to listen.
CATHERWOOD: Yes, the point of asking people questions is to find an answer. So if you don`t want one, then don`t ask me anything. That would be better.
PINSKY: Our crew is saying, that`s right. That`s what I`m talking about.
It`s very hard for men, if you come up with a problem -- Simone, I know you`re going to ring in on this, but if you come up with a problem and your husband or boyfriend cares about you and he wants to help you, of course, solve your problem because you`re upset. He`s immediately going to solution and that will make you angry.
BIENNE: Interestingly, Marcy, it`s the same when men have sex and receive pleasure. They find it very difficult to be passive. So you can train your man there.
PINSKY: If we knew this was the deal -- someone`s got to teach men how different our brain mechanisms are, that women get -- their motivational priority is to talk about their feelings and they would like the male just to sit and listen to it. And that`s support, not solving the problem. Just listening.
BIENNE: Now, here`s the takeaway for everybody watching at home. What you can do is actually do it with a wooden spoon and say, when I`m talking, no solution, just listen, and then pass the wooden spoon when you`re ready for the solution. Even if you pass the wooden spoon a day later.
PINSKY: This bothers me.
CATHERWOOD: I recommend taping a Victoria Secret`s catalog to your forehead when you`re talking to your man and he`ll just be there silently listening. It will work.
PINSKY: All right, then. Thank you.
Let`s go to Stacy in Arizona. Stacy, what do you got?
STACY, CALLER FROM ARIZONA: Hi, Dr. Drew. I have been with my fiance for three years and we now have a daughter together. And he has emotionally stepped out of the relationship and I`m having a very hard time trusting and forgiving him. I was just wondering if I should stay or go.
PINSKY: Oh, Stacy. You`re asking a difficult question. First of all, we won`t make that decision for you. I don`t know what you mean by emotionally stepped out of the relationship. Is he online cheating or is he actually seeing somebody else or just checked out generally?
STACY: He has been talking to another girl that he actually went to school with.
PINSKY: All right. Here`s the deal. Simone, you back me up on this. You have a child together. It`s time to get serious. You don`t let your relationship fall apart. You keep something together for that child. You mean everything for it.
I say you get professional help if you possibly can. You said you`ve been involved with school. Can you go to health services there? Somehow, you have professional in the room with you because you have to give this relationship a chance. Clearly, he`s cheating, don`t you agree?
BIENNE: Absolutely. The best way to do this is to go and get professional help. Exactly like Dr. Drew said.
Interestingly, when men cheat, it doesn`t mean they don`t love their wives. It could be because there`s some kind of pressure -- he`s acting out emotions that he`s not able to say. So get in therapy.
PINSKY: Quickly, Helen in Washington, do you have something for us?
HELEN, CALLER FROM WASHINGTON: Yes. Hi, Dr. Drew. I think you are so handsome.
CATHERWOOD: It`s true.
HELEN: My question is --
PINSKY: Mike and I are --
CATHERWOOD: It`s true.
PINSKY: Go ahead. I`m sorry.
HELEN: My question is, I`m in a long-distance relationship, and it`s like communication is not there. So what do you think?
PINSKY: How old are you?
HELEN: I`m 47.
PINSKY: And how old is he?
HELEN: He`s 51.
PINSKY: What do you think, Simone?
BIENNE: I`m all for long distance relationships, because I think nowadays, when you --
PINSKY: But they`re drifting. You know, I was just going to say, I`m with you on that. But when they drift, when it`s long distance, somebody`s got something going on. That`s my instinct, especially the guy. Do you think, Mike?
CATHERWOOD: I mean, with technology, though, nowadays, the long- distance relationship can work, with things like Skype.
PINSKY: Skyping --
CATHERWOOD: But I recommend farming out some like 25-year-old genitals being that you`re 47 and 51 --
PINSKY: Mike, dude --
(CROSSTALK)
CATHERWOOD: A nice snapshot of a 25-year-old young lady --
PINSKY: Dude, I`ve got to go to a break. More of your calls about sex and relationships. And later, a woman creates a fake online dating profile and gets some crazy responses. She is with me live and take your calls.
Members from "The Real Housewives of Orange County" they`ll be here in just a minute, too -- 855-DRDREW5.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
PINSKY: Welcome back. My "Loveline" co-hosts have joined me tonight, and they`re answering your sex and relationship questions. Yes, "Loveline" is still on the air. Check out Lovelineshow.com, if you like to see us. We`re there every night, or check your local listings.
Let`s go back to the phones. Cami in Colorado -- Cami.
CAMI, CALLER FROM COLORADO: Hello, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Hi, Cami.
CAMI: Hi. My question is, about two years into my relationship with my husband, which we`ve been together about 12 years now, I completely lost my sex drive, almost like overnight. I`ve been to the doctor to check all my hormones and all that stuff checks out fine.
PINSKY: Now, hold on. Let me ask something. Had you had a baby in those two years?
CAMI: No.
PINSKY: Did you start a new birth control pill?
CAMI: No.
PINSKY: Did you start any new medication?
CAMI: Yes.
PINSKY: What medication?
CAMI: It`s been so off and on with my Crohn`s disease, trying different medications. I don`t remember which one it was at the time. I`m not on it anymore.
PINSK: Crohn`s is an inflammatory bowel disease it`s entire -- your entire guts get inflamed, and they can come to the surface and it`s awful disease. So, that may be why you lost your sex drive. I`d just be worried about that.
But Simone will tell you anybody else out there who lose their sex drive, there are interpersonal issues that can come to bear on this as well.
BIENNE: Actually, there are hormonal issues as well. Because when you first meet, your body is flushed with this wonderful cocktail of love chemicals that make you stick together and make you go at it like rabbits. And what women notice is suddenly, after about two years, exactly the time you`re talking about, these hormones reduce and suddenly your libido goes to its normal level.
And the biggest thing I would say to you and any woman watching is, unlike men, we can`t rely on testosterone, we can`t rely on having desire like that. What we can rely on is getting into bed with our husbands and getting aroused first of all and then the desire to carry on kicks in. And that can be a great ticket for your love life.
PINSKY: I think Mike just heard Charlie Brown`s teacher, wa, wa, wa - -
BIENNE: And mostly sex at the end of it.
CATHERWOOD: What?
BIENNE: Yes.
PINSKY: Stacy in Colorado, what do you have for us?
STACY, CALLER FROM COLORADO: Yes, I`m Stacy from Colorado and I want to know why men who are gay and also going both ways, why they marry straight women and ruin their lives?
PINSKY: Did that happen to you, Stacy?
STACY: Yes, it did.
CATHERWOOD: Shocking. You don`t sound like a woman with an ax to grind at all.
PINSKY: Little energy, Stacy. So, that`s -- I`m not sure we can answer that. Do we have an answer? It`s obvious --
BIENNE: I would say because there`s a lot of shame behind it and it`s difficult to still come out today in 2012 as a gay man. So what men do, sadly, there`s a whole proportionate men who sleep with men and are married.
PINSKY: There are gay homophobic men. Men who were gay, homophobic in their own sexuality, and wish they could be otherwise and try to live otherwise, but they are not that. So they can`t.
Dawn in Michigan, Dawn? Dawn? Dawn, I hear you there. Can you come to the phone?
CATHERWOOD: Come on, dawn! Dawn, we`re all counting on you.
PINSKY: So, Mike, we`re kind of running out of time anyway. I don`t feel like I`ve gotten as much out of you as I wanted to because I think women sort of want to know what the young male mind is like and how simple it is. I always tell them, don`t over think what young men are thinking about. Give them a piece of what`s going on in the young male head.
CATHERWOOD: Well, I mean --
PINSKY: We always say men under 30 stay away from in the first place.
CATHERWOOD: Listen, my best advice to girls in general is, don`t date anyone ever until that man reaches about 30. For guys who are slow like me, 32, 33, accelerated people like Dr. Drew, 28. But, in general, men that are around 20 are practically Cro-Magnon. We`re high on this drug of testosterone. We have very little world experience or intellect. We`re utterly useless.
So, wait until guys are older before you try to settle down. You can`t blame a guy who are very, very, very visually stimulated. But don`t believe we can`t develop into someone who has intimacy and really caring for a young lady.
At first, though, the first couple dates, we are thinking with the other head unfortunately. You`ve just got to see beyond that and hope some intimacy can develop.
PINSKY: Young men are on a drug. The drug is testosterone. It creates an undistorted motivational reality. And as you say, as the levels drop off, we return to humanity, right, Simone?
BIENNE: It was beautifully put.
PINSKY: OK. Thank you guys. Thank you, Mike. And, Simone, you`re going to join me later in the show.
Next up, I got Slade and Gretchen from "Real Housewives of Orange County". They`re going to join us and they`re going to take calls with me and continue this conversation. Remember that number is 855-373-7395, 855- DRDREW5.
Be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
PINSKY: Welcome back. We are continuing our conversations about sex and relationships.
Joining me is the "Real Housewives of Orange County" stars Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley.
OK. Gretchen, did you take anything away from what we`ve been talking about -- how different men and women are with regards to dating and sex and communicating.
GRETCHEN ROSSI, REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY: Well, I definitely know that men and women are very, very different, especially when it comes to the two of us. We`re very different.
PINSKY: Slade, you`re different?
SLADE SMILEY, REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY: I`m very different, yeah. She`s so right on about that.
ROSSI: You`re from a different planet altogether.
SMILEY: Yes, I`m from a different planet. It`s a fun planet but very different.
PINSKY: It`s fun for him, is it fun for you?
ROSSI: You know what? Some days not so much. But you know what? Honestly, it`s probably harder on him than it is on me. I`m crazy, a whack-a-do.
SMILEY: She`s smarter than me. So, when it comes to communicating and getting feelings out, she`s better. I want to let it internalize, I want to let it marinate for a minute. I don`t want to respond --
ROSSI: And I`m trying to pull it out of him all the time.
PINSKY: This is classic situation. Let`s take some calls and you can help.
I`m going to Nadine in Texas -- Nadine.
NADINE, CALLER FROM TEXAS: Yes. Hi, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Hi, Nadine.
NADINE: Yes, I`m with a person who is a compulsive cheater and a liar. And I`m in a situation -- I just can`t move on. I just can`t get myself out of it because I`ve never been with a person like this before. And I just need to know what can I do to move on from a situation like this.
PINSKY: Couple of questions -- how long have you been with this guy?
NADINE: I met him about a year and a half ago.
PINSKY: And do you think -- is the cheating -- is he using drugs an alcohol when he cheats?
NADINE: No, he`s not. He was involved with this young lady before me, and I found out about her. And it`s sort of like a love triangle. And he goes from me to her, her to me.
PINSKY: Got it.
NADINE: And it`s like a mess!
PINSKY: How old is he?
NADINE: He is 47.
PINSKY: Old man.
NADINE: And it`s just seemed like the more he do it the deeper I go, and then, he`ll say that he`s going out of town, but he ends up at her house.
PINSKY: OK.
NADINE: And he`s supposed to be out of town.
PINSKY: Got it.
NADINE: But he`s around the corner at her house for a week.
PINSKY: Slade, have you been that guy?
SLADE SMILEY, STAR, "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC": I haven`t been that guy. And I keep saying, why are you with him again?
NADINE: I`m not with him. I just want to be get out of it.
SMILEY: Walk away. You have the ability to walk away. I mean, it has a lot to do with self-respect. To me, it has a lot to do with safety. You don`t know where this other girl has been. If she`s will to cheat with your guy, who else has she been with?
NADINE: I know -- then I found out a week ago, he bought a car with another girl, OK?
PINSKY: Oh, boy.
NADINE: I`m finding out all kind of stuff. He bought a car with somebody else.
PINSKY: Oh, boy.
NADINE: His car is in somebody else`s name --
SMILEY: I mean --
NADINE: -- girl`s name.
SMILEY: I mean, Nadine, there`s so many signs that you should really just be walking away from this for your own self-respect, obviously, for your own mental state. I mean, I`m not quite sure why you`re still stuck in this situation? Have the guts, walk away. Move on.
PINSKY: Now, that`s spoken like a man. We`re very practical about this thing. Gretchen, this is a woman, speak to another woman who is caught in this. She`s in love with this guy.
GRETCHEN ROSSI, STAR, "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC": Right. Right.
PINSKY: She`s literally one of the women who love too much. And by the way, there`s a book, Nadine, called "Women Who Love Too Much." I recommend to you highly. You should read it immediately, and "Facing Love Addiction," another book for you. But go ahead, Gretchen.
ROSSI: Yes. You know what, Nadine, just like Slade says, it really is about self-respect. You know, how old are you, did you say?
NADINE: I`m 52 years old and I had to go through something at this age in my life, at 52, that I never went through in my life. And I was saying, oh, my God, I mean -- it just seem like I just can`t get out of it. It`s just dragged me down --
PINSKY: It`s almost like domestic violence.
ROSSI: It really is. It`s just you`re repeating this pattern, honey. And at 52 years of age, I mean, you don`t want to wake up 10 years from now and say, why did I waste so much time with this man and energy on somebody that really didn`t deserve it?
SMILEY: These are supposed to be the best years of your life, right?
PINSKY: I know. We have tendencies as humans to repeat the traumas of the past, unless, (INAUDIBLE) cycle of repetition, we can`t get out of it. Please read those books, Nadine. Lucy in Missouri -- Lucy.
LUCY, MISSOURI: Hi, Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: Hi, Lucy.
LUCY: Hello?
PINSKY: Hi. Go right ahead.
LUCY: Oh, OK. I have been in a marriage for 35 years, and my husband has had multiple affairs for years like --
PINSKY: Now, hang on a second. Lucy, -- why are you getting -- is there something -- is there a message you`re trying to --
(LAUGHTER)
ROSSI: What is it?
SMILEY: We`ve been told we`re responsible for the degradation of American society, our show.
PINSKY: Well done.
SMILEY: Thank you.
PINSKY: Well done. You too, huh?
(LAUGHTER)
PINSKY: So, Lucy, how many affairs has he had?
LUCY: Well, two that I know of long-term, one with four years and one with two years.
PINSKY: Awful.
LUCY: The one that was four years, he was actually engaged to the other women.
PINSKY: Oh, my goodness.
LUCY: Almost got divorced, talked me out of it, felt guilty, went back with him said it would never, ever happen again. And then a year ago, it happened again. I found out, wanted the divorce, was going to do it, changed his mind. And now, I feel like I`m stuck because we have children, grandchildren.
But now, I`ve had somebody approach me that knows all about this that says they`re in love with me. And, I think I could have feelings for somebody else now because I do not trust this man --
PINSKY: Well, Lucy, why don`t you do it the old-fashioned way and end the relationship you`re with that is not working for you and then go ahead and get on the relationship. At least get a separation. At least get a separation. But here`s the deal, these last two calls, I know they sound like the grist for daytime dramas and whatnot.
But this is severe, severe relationship pathology we`re talking about here. And I would say, please, on behalf of your children or grandchildren, get some help for this. You really do need it. You can read those books I told you about.
They`ll give you a frame to understand which, you know, "Women Who Love Too Much" and "Facing Love Addiction," but that`s just a frame to understand what`s going on here for you.
You need to get in a room with somebody who can help you through this. Something is very wrong with your husband that he`s having all these affairs. Emotionally, something is wrong. Wouldn`t you agree?
ROSSI: I agree, 100 percent. She needs to get out of that.
SMILEY: I have to tell you that I`ve been married once before. I know Gretchen`s been married once before. So, we`ve gone through the struggles of having to deal with the divorce. And at that time, you think it`s the most horrific thing ever. However, you need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
ROSSI: Right.
SMILEY: And if you`re truly going to be happy, you should feel like - - have the guts to make that change, do what`s right. I would have never found Gretchen if I hadn`t taken the steps to get out of a really bad relationship.
PINSKY: I`m confused, though. You guys seem great. Why are you responsible for the degradation of the American society?
(LAUGHTER)
(CROSSTALK)
SMILEY: My fault. I did it.
PINSKY: How? Why?
ROSSI: Well, we tease because of our show because it`s just so drama filled, and I think there`s --
SMILEY: There`s a stigma amongst "housewives" and the franchise that it`s become, the things that transpire on the shows.
PINSKY: So, are you healthier than you look on television? Because you seem pretty healthy with her right now.
ROSSI: Yes. We are very happy.
SMILEY: I think. I hope.
PINSKY: Are you happy?
ROSSI: We`re very happy.
SMILEY: Incredibly happy.
ROSSI: We`re very happy. I mean, here`s the thing. We go through ups and downs. Last night, our episode was very hard on us because we had a very real, raw fight, but that`s life. That`s what happens. But, when you communicate and you talk through it and you work through it, that`s the healthy way to do it.
PINSKY: Got it. Thank you so much for joining us, Gretchen, Slade.
ROSSI: Thanks for having us.
SMILEY: Thank you.
PINSKY: Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. "Real Housewives of Orange County."
Next up, she created a bogus online dating profile and got a ton of responses. Did she find love or just a whole bunch of creeps? Her story after this and your stories of horrors with online dating after the break.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY (voice-over): Can you find love online? Or is it a recipe for disaster? Female blogger set up an over-the-top dating profile to see just how low guys would go. And, well, they went there. She`s here with me taking your calls, 855-DrDrew-5. Do you have an internet dating horror story, or perhaps, a success story? Start dialing. 855-DrDrew-5.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
PINSKY (on-camera): A lot of people these days are using social media when looking for love. Now, when you did, did you find a mate or did you find liars, losers, and just danger? Share it here with us, your online stories. Call us at 1-855-DrDrew-5.
Back with me is my co-host from "Loveline," Simone Bienne. And joining us is Alyssa Kramer who is the young lady who posted the fake profile on OKCupid.com, an online dating service. The character she created was named Marla. She was desperate for love. And Alyssa, what made you do this and what did you find out?
ALYSSA KRAMER, CREATED FAKE DATING PROFILE: I created Marla just for fun, and I`ve been doing this fake advice column for a humor website called (INAUDIBLE).com, and the fake advice column was doing pretty well, and it`s basically this character, she`s a hot mess. And she gives people the worst advice ever and fails at life consistently but has no perception of that.
So, I wanted to expand her as a character and see what else she could do. And I really was interested in getting her to communicate with people. So, I just thought to do a fake profile. And, it originally started out as something for my own amusement, because I know making a profile, like a fake profile, isn`t anything necessarily new or original and probably something that a 27-year-old such as myself shouldn`t be doing in her free time.
But, I -- so as for my own amusement and then the conversations got to be so entertaining that I thought it was worth sharing.
PINSKY: And Alyssa, have you ever dated online yourself, in real life?
KRAMER: Yes. I tried it once about two years ago. And I have to say, it was a complete opposite experience for me. I went into it with a little bit of hesitation, just based on the stigma or whatever that`s attached to it. And I had a completely normal experience, which makes me think that the way you set your profile up kind of determines the response you get.
PINSKY: Oh, interesting. Let`s talk to Tia in Massachusetts who wants to ring in on this topic. She`s actually on Skype. There she is. Hey, Tia, what happened with you?
TIA, MASSACHUSETTS: Yes. So, I met a guy. We had plans to go out. And, then, we went to go out and he told me that he died.
PINSKY: He died?
TIA: Yes. That was the text. He said that it was his dad texting me and that he had actually passed away.
PINSKY: And so what did you do?
TIA: I actually called his work, and he answered the phone, and I basically hung up on him.
PINSKY: Oh, my goodness. Simone, what do we do with this --
SIMONE BIENNE, DR. DREW "LOVELINE" CO-HOST: Oh, for goodness sake! Yes, what a screwball. Just get back in your box or your coffin, as I would say. My goodness, you poor, poor women. If you`re going to lie, just be gentle, be kind, and be realistic. We`re not fools, guys! And if you don`t want to date us, that`s OK, but have some testicles! Sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
PINSKY: Well, that is something --
KRAMER: Some better excuses.
PINSKY: Well, that`s something -- earlier on the program, somebody was saying, oh man, I wish they would just be more straightforward and honest. And this would be an opportunity -- Tia, you could have handled, right?
TIA: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
PINSKY: Have you found any better prospects online since then or are you still fearful now?
TIA: I wouldn`t say fearful, just even more cautious.
PINSKY: All right. Thank you, Tia. We`ll go to Katherine in Wisconsin. Katherine, what do you have?
KATHERINE, WISCONSIN: Well, I went on an online dating service. I spoke to a gentleman for about two weeks, and then, I decided that I would meet with him. I had about 300 people ask me to meet me, but I chose this person because he claimed to be a gentleman, and he claimed to open doors for women, et cetera, et cetera.
I was very hesitant about where to meet him. Out a whim, I decided one day, OK, I`ll just go and call him and I`ll see if he wants to meet. We met in a park where there were children across the street, meaning it was a nice, safe area. It was during the daytime.
PINSKY: Katherine, you`re going to have to get right to it. What happened?
KATHERINE: Well, he stuck his tongue down my throat. He asked if he could give me a kiss, and I`ve had my tonsils taken out when I was 17. I want to know, is there anybody you can trust on websites?
PINSKY: From online. Simone, what do you think about that?
BIENNE: Oh, I just love the fact that you gave us the details that you had your tonsils taken out, because I was just thinking, you know, tonsil hockey as you call it here. I think -- I actually said to my now- husband, I don`t kiss, I don`t do tongue, this is the first night I met him. I court, and that`s what I suggest.
PINSKY: Second night, though, was all tongue. Second night is a complete tongue.
BIENNE: No. Second meeting was a little bit of, you know, hand holding and all that. I just think, take your time, but lay it out from the off chance. If a guy isn`t interested in that, then goodbye, good riddance, because there will be plenty of guys who will wait for you.
PINSKY: Simone, you`d agree with me. We`ve taken the model of courtship out of the relationship building process, and the fact is, how else do you figure out who you want, who you are with relationships without this procedure?
Let`s call it something other than courtship because young people don`t seem to like that, but we need a procedure to evaluate one another.
BIENNE: Well, you and I will create that tonight. We`ll think about that, and we will get back to you, because we do need a new name for courtship. You need to keep it slow.
PINSKY: We`ll talk about it on "Loveline" tonight, so you need to tune in to "Loveline" or go to lovelineshow.com. Thank you, Alyssa. Thank you, Simone.
Next up, I`m answering your question about anything at all. We`re going to do the mixed bag next. Start dialing now, 855-DrDrew-5. And we`re back after this.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
PINSKY: OK now. Although, this is mixed bag, it is, after all, sex and relationships Wednesday, which is what we`re doing every Wednesday. So, I want to keep that kind of topic going with you guys. Reminder, the number is 855-DrDrew-5. And whatever you want, things you`ve had difficulty asking people about, I say we bring it here. Let`s do it.
Anne in Delaware, what do you got?
ANNE, DELAWARE: Hi, Dr. Drew. How are you?
PINSKY: I`m good, Anne. Thanks for calling.
ANNE: Good. I`m a clinical pharmacist, and I just have a question for you.
PINSKY: Go right ahead.
ANNE: Is it possible to be opiate dependent but not be an opiate addict.
PINSKY: It is possible. Absolutely it is. Dependency is what I call sort of a late complication of opiate addiction. Early on, they use intermittently. They, you know, come on and off it, but eventually, they become dependent. Meaning, they need to use it every day or they have withdrawal.
And any human can be rendered dependent on opiates if they take them long enough. It`s kind of a heady discussion for, I think, people, but the fact is you`ll have withdrawal, anybody, if you use a drug long enough, you`ll have withdrawal, an opiate.
But an addict, after they`ve gotten dependent will be unable to stop, and the average person becomes dependent will go, woo, that was awful, what`s for dinner? And that`s it. So, thank you for that question. Dawn in Michigan -- Dawn. Hi, Dawn.
DAWN, MICHIGAN: I was wondering if there are different types of orgasms for women --
PINSKY: Oh, Dawn.
DAWN: The way my girlfriends explain them to me, it`s like an over your whole body.
PINSKY: All right. All right. I didn`t know we were going to get this one tonight, but let`s get into this. I promised anything, so here`s the deal. There are differences, and different women experience them differently. The reality is that the majority of women, around 60 percent of women will have -- they have one orgasm and they will not have an orgasm with penetrative sex. They will not.
They need some sort of direct stimulation like oral sex or that sort of thing or technology. Use your imagination. But they will never, they`re not wired to have an orgasm with intercourse. There are people, another 30 or 40 percent that will sometimes with intercourse and sometimes need sort of direct stimulation or have figured out the way to do both.
And then, there`s about a five percent of the population that have multiple orgasms. They will have one right after the other, 20, 30 in counter and tend to find oral sex very uncomfortable. It doesn`t do anything perfect (ph). They can`t handle it. They`re too sensitive. So, yes, there`s all kinds of things the women are all over the place.
And you know, men come in one flavor, right? There`s one male version of everything. And so, basically, a man is like, you know, like a Cessna and a woman is like the flight deck of a 747. And every plane is different. That`s what drives men absolutely crazy. That`s what makes them nuts.
So, no wonder there`s so much trouble between men and women when it comes to the bedroom. Thank you for that question, Dawn. Very courageous. Let`s go to Lisa in Washington -- Lisa.
LISA, WASHINGTON: Hi, Dr. Drew. I`m your number one fan.
PINSKY: Thank you, Lisa. Glad to talk to my number one fan.
LISA: I`ve been married 16 years, and I`m ready to leave my husband because he`s very emotionally abusive.
PINSKY: Oh, I`m sorry for that. Is anything contributing to that? Has he become depressed? Is he drinking? Is he having trouble at work? Is there something else going on?
LISA: I don`t know. I think it`s work, but it`s like being hit, you know? I`m ready to leave. I suggest counseling, and he`s good for two weeks, and then, he starts up again.
PINSKY: OK. So, you need to get back into the counseling office. The fact is, you know that he has some motivation to get better. He`s willing to sit with you with a counselor, and he can get better when he listens to the counselor. He just needs more. He needs more. You got to give that -- give this a chance, Lisa.
I hear in your voice how much you love your husband. And the fact that he goes to the counseling and applies himself tells me something about him, that he gets -- he`s willing to do the work and you need to require him to do so. Got to take a break.
LISA: I think it`s making me sick, though.
PINSKY: It`s making him sick -- you sick?
LISA: I think it`s making me sick. I`ve held it in so long.
PINSKY: I`m so sorry. You know, being in a dysfunctional abusive relationship will make you sick. It just will. And you`ve got to -- if he doesn`t go into the therapist office with you regularly, you may have to leave to protect yourself.
Now, 855-373 -- what`s the number 373-7395 is the number. I`m so taken with her call. And again, sex and relationships, keep it going, after the break.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
PINSKY: Are you doing anything Saturday, June 23rd? I plan to be doing something. I plan to be at the Daytime Emmy Awards. It is airing live right here and only here on HLN at 8:00 p.m. eastern time. And here`s the deal, we are very excited about this. I`ll be there. Anderson Cooper will be there. We`ll see if you can tell us apart.
And HLN is planning some very special surprises for you guys in terms of who`s going to be there, all your daytime stars and what we`re going to do there on the red carpet. So, it`s something you want to tune in to see. And you can enter a sweepstakes to be our guest at the show, go to HLNTV.com for that chance to win.
Now, back to your calls. Shane in Virginia -- Shane.
SHANE, VIRGINIA: How you doing, Dr. drew?
PINSKY: Shane.
SHANE: Hello?
PINSKY: Hi, buddy. What do you got?
SHANE: I just want to know why women get involved with men who are not over their exes and say they`ve developed all of these feelings for you. We only dated three weeks, and we`ve had a strong connection, but then, all of a sudden, she says she got scared because I move too fast and then needed time. They always need time to think.
PINSKY: How many times has this happened to you?
SHANE: About three.
PINSKY: Three times. Well, why don`t you not get involved in women that are on the rebound, Shane? I mean, you seem to be that guy that makes them feel safe, which is a great news, and you know, you get deeply involved with people. You`re emotionally available. That`s great.
But, listen, somebody is coming off a tough relationship. One of two things here going on. One is the fact they are just coming off a tough relationship and they are just not ready. The other thing, Shane, I suspect this may be even more so the case because you`re the nice guy, right?
SHANE: Oh, yes. I treat them like a princess.
PINSKY: Yes. Nice guys always get screwed, right, as far as you`re concerned.
SHANE: Yes.
PINSKY: Dave, my stage manager, is shaking his head yes vigorously. It`s not so. You are attracted to people that have some issues. They were abandoned or neglected in their childhood, and so, now they`re repeating that pattern by being attracted to guys that are abandoning and neglectful, and it traumatized them.
And then, here, you come along. You`re actually available for a relationship, and that doesn`t feel so comfortable to them. That they have to sabotage. So, dude, don`t go -- if you`re really attracted to a woman, be careful. She`s probably somebody that goes for the bad guys. Be careful.
Maybe somebody not so exciting in the future. How about that? Because you`re picking them, and your picker is really what the problem, not these women. They`re just doing what they`re do. Leah in California, what do you got? Leah.
LEAH, CALIFORNIA: Yes. Hi, Dr. Drew. Me and my daughter, 19-year- old daughter, are huge fans. Love all of your shows.
PINSKY: Thanks, Leah.
LEAH: Quickly, I`ve recently turned 40, a very young 40, gone back to school.
PINSKY: Good for you.
LEAH: Don`t have as much money as I used to. I`m currently seeing two exes that I previously dated. But what I`m doing is I`m just using them for the fun and the money and the going out to dinner and the movies. And if I need a little extra cash here to pay my insurance --
PINSKY: That`s one guy. Or are they both guys or one guy?
LEAH: That`s both.
PINSKY: Both guys. So --
LEAH: But they don`t expect anything from me. Like I`m just there when they want to have fun, too.
PINSKY: All right. So, but you`re sort of using and exploiting these guys?
LEAH: No!
PINSKY: No, let`s be honest. You are.
LEAH: I think that they`re using me.
PINSKY: So, there`s mutual exploitation going on. Do you have sex with both of them?
LEAH: Yes.
PINSKY: OK. Do you feel OK about that?
LEAH: It`s safe sex.
PINSKY: But are you feel OK about it, as a woman?
LEAH: Yes.
PINSKY: OK. And is it just because you`re getting all these goodies out of them, that you`re willing to have sex with them?
LEAH: No.
(CROSSTALK)
PINSKY: Because that would be -- that kind of quid pro quo is a very unpleasant way to deal with relationships. I got to go, Leah. I think as long as you`re very open and honest with yourself and them about what you`re doing, do it, but be careful. It`s not good for the soul and emotional systems. It may wear you down over time.
Thanks for you calls. Thanks for watching. We`ll see you next time. Guess what`s next? Nancy Grace is next.
END
