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Joy Behar Page
Dancing with Chaz Bono; Sheen under Fire
Aired September 15, 2011 - 22:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, Joy sits down with Chaz Bono to talk about the controversy over his upcoming appearance on "Dancing with the Stars". Joy asks Chaz if he`s really a bad example for American children as some critiques are saying.
Then Nude photos of Scarlet Johansson hit the web after her phone is hacked. Are hackers the new paparazzi?
Plus Master roaster Jeffrey Ross gives us a raucous sneak peek of the Charlie Sheen roast.
That and more starting right now.
JOY BEHAR, HLN HOST: You know, in the past few years, Chaz Bono has written a book, made an Emmy-nominated documentary, and oh yes, he began transitioning from female to male. And since he has no pressure or drama in his life he decided to join the cast of "Dancing with the Stars" which premieres this Monday night.
So joining me now to talk about all that is the very self-same Chaz Bono; hi Chaz. How are you? It`s so great to have you here again.
CHAZ BONO, CAST MEMBER, "DANCING WITH THE STARS": It`s good to be here. Thanks Joy.
BEHAR: Ok. So why did you exactly say yes to "Dancing with the Stars"? I mean I don`t know why people are motivated to do that show? What`s yours?
BONO: To do that show?
BEHAR: Yes.
BONO: You know, I thought it would be fun. I thought it would be a challenge. You know, for so many years I was so physically uncomfortable in my body, that the idea of doing something that would be challenging and really different than anything I`d ever done before was appealing to me.
BEHAR: So it`s just another challenge? You`re into that challenge?
BONO: No. I thought -- I mean I thought it would be -- I thought it would be fun. And, yes, physically challenging, get me in better shape. And I thought it would be a way to kind of reach more people than I have thus far.
BEHAR: I`ll tell you something, Chaz. Everyone loses weight except for Bristol Palin on that show. Everybody gets thinner, so you`re going to lose weight. Have you been losing weight already? You look a little smaller to me.
BONO: Yes, I have been. I have been. So --
BEHAR: So that`s a nice --
BONO: It`s hard not to do the show and lose weight, you know?
BEHAR: Yes, exactly. And yet she did that.
So, you know, the thing that`s been bothering me about this whole thing is that you`ve been receiving hate mail and death threats. When you signed on for the show, did you think there would be a controversy of this enormity? I mean people -- the shrinks are talking about you and everybody.
BONO: Well, I mean the shrink that`s talking about me is a right wing activist and first and foremost, who happens to be an MD. I think not the other way around. But no, I don`t think I envisioned something of this magnitude. But, of course, I did know that there would be some controversy about it.
BEHAR: Well, let me clear up what you`re talking about.
Dr. Keith Ablow, now I`m going to start calling him Dr. Keith Ablow- hard.
BONO: Yes, I have a different nickname for him but I can`t say it on the show.
BEHAR: I know. I know. Yes, we tried that one during the commercials. He referred to your presence on "Dancing with the Stars" as toxic. In a Fox News editorial he told parents not to let their kids watch the show.
First of all, you can see my reaction. What was your reaction when you first read that?
BONO: I didn`t read it. I mean, he`s written a few things about me, and, you know, he`s not one of my favorite authors so he don`t read him.
BEHAR: Dickens, Ablow.
BONO: Yes.
BEHAR: So what`s your reaction now? As you hear about it again, does it hurt your feelings, does it bother you?
BONO: No, it doesn`t hurt my feelings at all. Look, he`s got an agenda. He`s jumping all over this to try to further himself and his career. And that`s what it`s all about.
BEHAR: It`s so destructive. It`s so destructive.
You know, let me just -- I`m going to -- because he was on Howard Stern also talking about it, and we have a little tape about it. I`d like to listen to it, so that we know what we`re talking about with this guy.
(BEGIN AUDIO CLIP)
DR. KEITH ABLOW: Here`s an analogy, if a person came to me, tattooed as a zebra --
HOWARD STERN, RADIO HOST: Right.
ABLOW: Zebra man.
STERN: Right. You wouldn`t put him on TV? Zebra man.
ABLOW: Put him on TV. But if you want me to agree with you that you`re a zebra, now you`re invading my reality.
It`s dancing with a woman as a man. I`m not going to have my kids watch a show in which people pretend to be farm animals.
(END AUDIO CLIP)
BEHAR: He`s comparing you to an animal. Do you have a feeling of just calling him a horse`s ass?
BONO: No, I really just don`t pay attention to it. It`s so absurd and it`s such irresponsible medical things that he`s talking about. I mean it`s not what the American Psychiatric Association even believes.
BEHAR: But I mean, he sort of alludes to it as if everybody is what they seem to be, you know. Like all the people who go on these shows are not neurotic, are not crazy, have not had affairs, maybe have had -- everybody`s got something.
BONO: Right.
BEHAR: So he says, you know, yours is just a little bit more blatant at this point than most people, you know? Anyway --
BONO: Well, I`m exactly honest about who I am.
BEHAR: That`s right.
Let me ask you this, when you`re on the show, are you going -- are they going to identify you as a transgender person or are they going to say Chaz Bono? What are they going to do?
BONO: No. I think, you know, author and activist.
BEHAR: Author and activist?
BONO: Yes.
BEHAR: I like that.
The subject of children is not even going to come up? It`s not going to be that the parents have to say, this is Chaz Bono, he used to be female, now he`s transitioned into a male. We don`t even have to have that discussion?
BONO: No. I think it`s for fair-minded, open-minded Americans who want to teach their children about tolerance and diversity, it will open up great dialogue. But if you don`t want to, you certainly don`t need to.
BEHAR: You know, last time I spoke to you, we talked about your mother, Cher and how she was dealing with your transition. Yesterday when you were on "Ellen" she called in and spoke about what she would say to people who are boycotting "Dancing with the Stars".
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CHER, CHAZ BONO`S MOTHER: Those are such feelings of hostility and fear, that I don`t know that I would have any magic words that could make you feel more comfortable and to soothe you into not being terrified if my child dances on "Dancing with the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Stars".
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: She`s always Cher. That must have made you feel good, right, to hear mom come on the show and defend you like that?
BONO: Absolutely. Yes, it was great.
BEHAR: I mean because I know that, you know, she was not always on board with this whole thing, according to your documentary. We talked about it last time you were here. She seems to be coming along beautifully?
BONO: Yes. I think so. Like I said then, it`s a process. You know, it`s something -- especially for parents, it`s probably the hardest process that you need to go through. But I think she`s -- as time goes on, becoming more and more comfortable.
BEHAR: She also joked that you`re doing "Dancing with the Stars" is just as scary as doing the change?
(CROSSTALK)
BONO: Yes. I know. She doesn`t have a lot of faith in my footwork it seems.
BEHAR: Well, you know, she should. I mean musical ability very often is genetic. Both your parents are musical talents.
BONO: Right.
BEHAR: I would think it`s a slam dunk for you to be a good dancer. Are you a good dancer?
BONO: I`m a fair dancer probably.
BEHAR: Will she be there to watch you dance?
BONO: You know, not that I know of at this point.
BEHAR: Oh, really? Like Sarah Palin? I think she`d be more popular. Sarah got booed when she was there. Remember that?
BONO: Yes.
BEHAR: It`s tricky to bring your mother there. They`ll turn on your mother. Imagine if they brought Joan Crawford there one time, it would be horrifying.
Anyway. All together about Cher has this brought the two of you closer together? The whole "Dancing with the Stars" thing and all the things you`ve been saying and the documentary and everything?
BONO: Like I said, I think it`s a process. And definitely, you know, when somebody insults your kid, it probably helps you to figure out really where you stand on something.
BEHAR: Exactly. Exactly. It`s like don`t curse my mother, and don`t curse my kid. Those are the rules of the road.
BONO: Exactly.
BEHAR: So now as we discussed last time, I know you`re taking testosterone shots. How is everything going with that? Are you feeling good? Are you growing more hair?
BONO: Yes.
BEHAR: You know. Tell me.
BONO: I feel great. Other than the fact that from my knees down I`m very sore, I feel great.
BEHAR: Why are you sore from your knees down?
BONO: From dancing hours at a time.
BEHAR: Oh, the dancing. I forgot already. Oh, my God, I`ve forgotten already what we were talking about. I was concentrating on the hair on your face which I see a little bit. Is that hairy over there?
BONO: Yes.
BEHAR: Which is the worst kind of shaving, now that you`ve tried both the shaving? The legs, the armpits the face? Which is it?
BONO: I mean I wanted my whole life to be able to shave my face, so it doesn`t bother me at all.
BEHAR: I have the same problem, I`m Italian.
Ok. Stay right there because when we come back, we`re going to bring out your dancing partner.
BONO: Cool.
BEHAR: Ok.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with Chaz Bono and we are joined by his "Dancing with the Stars" partner Lacey Schwimmer. Ok Lacey, what do you make of the controversy surrounding Chaz being on the show?
LACEY SCHWIMMER, "DANCING WITH THE STARS": I really don`t care. I mean, it`s -- I think it`s unnecessary. And he`s just every -- he`s like everybody else up there. He wants to dance. He wants to shake his thing on national television. And people should let him be happy.
BEHAR: Well, we all agree on that, you know. But as anybody -- I`m - - I seem to be the only one in this triad here who`s pissed. Are you angry? It makes me mad.
SCHWIMMER: You know, no. It doesn`t make me mad because he is my friend and I`ve gotten to know him. And he`s one of the greatest guys I`ve ever gotten to know. So it`s a -- it is -- it`s pretty difficult to hear bad things about someone that you care about and love --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Yes. Chaz are you repressing the rage --
(CROSSTALK)
SCHWIMMER: -- everything --
BEHAR: -- Chaz are you repressing the rage? Because you seem very -- you know, calm.
BONO: No look, I mean, I`ve been doing this stuff for -- you know, I mean, I was an activist since 1995. So I`m -- I`m pretty used to this.
BEHAR: You`re used to it. Yes.
BONO: It`s not -- it`s not -- this isn`t the first time that somebody`s attacked me.
BEHAR: I see. Ok.
But what about you Lacey, have you gotten any flack for even being on the show with Chaz or not?
SCHWIMMER: You know, I mean fans of mine or followers or whatever, they disagree with it, but for me, it`s -- I`m just telling everybody to be happy for me and support me and support him. And that`s all we can do.
BEHAR: Right.
SCHWIMMER: And we`re not really focusing on the negative at this point.
BEHAR: Ok.
(CROSSTALK)
BONO: Yes.
There`s too much -- you know, I mean, getting ready to dance on national TV for the first time is live is -- is daunting. So there`s really not that much time to focus on all this.
BEHAR: Right. I don`t know why anybody would do that show, frankly. I mean it looks like a -- to me it looks like a nightmare in hell, frankly.
All right, but you know, just to -- just to tell you, that you do have a lot of fans out here, Chaz and people who are rooting for you.
Nancy Grace, our own Nancy on HLN, she said regarding Chaz on "Dancing with the Stars" -- she`s also going to be on. She said "I`m a lot less concerned about what he has in his pants than what he has in his shoes."
Ok. So all right, let`s get to the dancing. How is the dancing going, Chaz?
BONO: I mean it`s going, you know? It`s going. It`s a --
SCHWIMMER: You don`t sound so convincing.
BONO: It`s -- it`s challenging, but I think it`s -- improvements have been made for sure.
BEHAR: Yes how -- well --
SCHWIMMER: Oh, yes, every day.
BEHAR: Lacey -- you tell me Lacey, is he a good dancer?
SCHWIMMER: You know, he has some stuff up his sleeves that I don`t think people are ready for. He -- he has a lot of rhythm, and that`s kind of natural. But we`re working very hard on keeping his body in one piece at the moment. He -- he doesn`t like his feet very much at the moment.
BONO: Yes.
BEHAR: You don`t like your feet? No, well --
BONO: No.
BEHAR: Are you nervous?
BONO: If I have, you know, I`ve got extremely flat feet. My dad`s feet were so flat he was -- he got spared from the draft. So -- and I have his feet. So that`s -- they don`t make me happy right now.
BEHAR: I see, so it`s hard to dance with flat feet, isn`t it? Ballet dancers are famous for their arch you know so --
SCHWIMMER: Exactly. Yes.
BEHAR: I would think it would be much more difficult. But how about the stage fright? Are you nervous about appearing in front of everybody, Chaz?
BONO: Sure. Absolutely. I mean, it`s really -- doing this on live TV is scary. It`s -- I`ve never -- I`ve done a lot of things on television, but dancing isn`t one of them.
BEHAR: I know.
BONO: So that`s scary, of course.
BEHAR: But it can`t be scarier than what you -- what you`ve been going through? It`s --
SCHWIMMER: It`s different.
BONO: Sure, it`s different, I mean.
BEHAR: Yes.
BONO: Yes, it is -- it is -- it`s really, you know -- to do something so out of your comfort zone and know that you`re doing it to such a large audience is -- is scary.
BEHAR: Yes.
Who`s the biggest competition do you think?
SCHWIMMER: Everybody.
BONO: Yes.
SCHWIMMER: I mean it`s really too soon to say, you know. I think after Monday we`ll have a better opinion on that.
(CROSSTALK)
BONO: Yes. We have ideas, but we`ll really know after Monday.
SCHWIMMER: I think -- but I think your biggest competition is yourself. You`re very hard on yourself.
BONO: Well, thank you.
BEHAR: Well, no. No, no, Lacey, it`s not himself. There are other people on the show. He`s got to go up against Nancy Grace.
SCHWIMMER: Yes.
BONO: Yes.
BEHAR: Nancy might be a better dancer. You know, she`s -- she`s good at everything she does.
BONO: We`ve heard good things.
SCHWIMMER: We`ve heard great things about her.
BONO: Yes, we`ve heard good things.
SCHWIMMER: And she`s super sweet, so yes, probably.
BEHAR: Yes, all right. I mean, I -- I would be physically -- I`m physically afraid of Nancy myself, so don`t go by me.
Ok. Thank you, guys, very much, I appreciate you coming by.
SCHWIMMER: Thanks Joy.
(CROSSTALK)
BONO: Thanks for having us.
BEHAR: It was delightful to see you, Chaz, good luck. And we`re rooting for you over here.
BONO: You too. Thanks a lot.
BEHAR: You can see Chaz and Lacey on the premiere of "Dancing with the Stars" Monday night at 8:00 on ABC.
We`ll be right back.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up next, comedian and roastmaster extraordinaire Jeffrey Ross is here with all the hits and disses from the Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen.
A.J. HAMMER, HLN HOST, "SHOWBIZ TONIGHT": Coming up tonight on "SHOWBIZ TONIGHT" the Salahis strike again. The White House party crashers are at the center of a brand new outrageous saga. This time a kidnapping claim and a rendezvous with a rock star? What`s the deal here?
We`ll see you at 11:00 p.m. Eastern and Pacific on HLN.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Charlie Sheen spent this past year with hookers, crackheads and Jeffrey Ross. And you know what; the crackheads were much nicer to him than Jeffrey Ross was. This Monday is the Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen. Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You`re the black sheep of the family responsible for three "Mighty Ducks" movies. You make your own father ashamed and he shares the same fake name as you.
Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez said they would have been here tonight but they had a family obligation.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: He looks like Gadhafi who`s channeling Michael Jackson in that outfit.
Joining me now to talk about the roast is Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross. Hello, Jeffrey.
JEFFREY ROSS, COMIC, "ROAST OF CHARLIE SHEEN": Hey, JB, how are you doing babe?
BEHAR: How are you? Where did you get that outfit?
ROSS: I wanted to look -- I`m sitting between Mike Tyson and Charlie Sheen on national television. I wanted to humble them and be even more despicable them and just like Gadhafi.
BEHAR: I see. Ok. So now, was anything at all off limits in this roast? Anything?
ROSS: Charlie had dinner with the roasters the night before, and he made it clear that he didn`t want us to hold back at all. He wanted this to be the hardest roast we`d ever done, and I think we delivered.
BEHAR: Really? So what was the most vicious joke you told?
ROSS: Well, I think all my jokes were pretty vicious. I said, you know, Brooke Mueller was there, his ex-wife in the front row. And I said, she`s not very bright, unless Charlie`s throwing a lamp at her.
BEHAR: See this is why women --
ROSS: It was no holds barred.
BEHAR: Jeffrey, this is why women never want to be roasted, because you guys are too mean. You`re mean.
ROSS: Joy, I`ve seen you rip into people on these roasts.
BEHAR: That is so not true.
ROSS: If we roasted you, Joy, it would be a three-part miniseries; everybody would want a piece of that.
BEHAR: Ok. So tell me, what were some of the best jokes, we all want to hear some of the jokes, even if they weren`t yours. You remember any of them?
ROSS: My favorite joke of the night, I ripped into Tyson pretty hard. I made fun of his tattoo and his whole -- I said, if he`s willing to do that to his own face, imagine what he would do to mine. And then --
BEHAR: That`s good. How did --
ROSS: I asked him if it was a target for pepper spray?
BEHAR: Boy, you`re brave.
ROSS: Yes, well --
BEHAR: Did he give you a dirty look? Was he ok with it?
ROSS: He was ok, he was laughing really hard. And then when he went up, he had the best line of the night, to answer your question. He said, Jeff Ross, when you were up here, I almost bit my own ears off.
BEHAR: That`s a good line. Very funny. Who wrote that for him?
ROSS: It was very funny. I think he thought it up.
BEHAR: He did? So how did Charlie handle the night? Did he hold a knife to anybody`s throat?
ROSS: I was a little nervous, because I had roasted him on his tour, I showed up at a few shows and sort of surprised him, and -- but I don`t think he was fully expecting to be ripped. This wasn`t about having giant celebrities. This was about having the most honest comedians. I always told him we should roast him not with big stars but with big mouths, and this would be the sharpest roast ever.
This was a way for Charlie to own his meltdown and put it in a box and think about the future not the past.
BEHAR: Ok. All right.
Stay right there because we`re going to have more with you after a quick break. So stay right there and everybody else too.
ROSS: Ok babe, I`ll be here.
BEHAR: Yes, babe.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Back with Jeffrey Ross, and we`re talking about the Charlie Sheen roast which is airing on Comedy Central on Monday night. Here`s a clip of Seth MacFarlane reading Charlie`s obituary.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SETH MACFARLANE: Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid fixture due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, was found dead in his apartment -- actually, you know what, I kind of actually just copied Amy Winehouse`s obituary. It`s -- I only had to change three things, though. The sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the part that says a talent that will be missed.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Evil, evil, evil. OK, the girl`s dead. OK, I did a joke about her the other night, but still.
ROSS: At one point Charlie was laughing so hard, cocaine came out of his nose. Charlie`s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke, he calls them the Hilton sisters.
BEHAR: So give me your hooker joke? What was the best hooker joke? Do you remember it?
ROSS: Charlie Sheen has paid for so much sex, he keeps his credit card under his balls to save time.
BEHAR: Best rehab joke? Do you have one?
ROSS: Rehab joke. I said, Charlie, don`t you want to see your kids take their first 12 steps?
BEHAR: How about -- any child custody, because they had that also going on. Child custody material?
ROSS: Well, the whole winning -- he always talks about winning. Winning. Charlie, if you`re winning, then this must not be a child custody hearing. I said the only time your kids get to see you is in reruns.
BEHAR: Not rehab.
ROSS: It was vicious. This is a guy, this is a guy, Joy, he went from being TV`s highest paid actor ever, to being the highest actor ever to be on TV.
BEHAR: Is he jealous of Ashton Kutcher? Did you do anything about Ashton Kutcher?
ROSS: Yes, I said that -- I said -- I gave him -- I said you got so blanked by Ashton Kutcher, your name should be Demi Moore`s blank. It was too rough. I dressed as Gadhafi, because I warned him that the real Gadhafi was hiding in Charlie Sheen`s nostrils right now. It was vicious.
BEHAR: So who killed for the night? Besides you, of course? And who died? Anybody die that night, because it happens?
ROSS: Interestingly enough -- nobody bombed. Everybody did really well. But there was blood. This was the gnarliest roast we ever did. At the very end of the show, Steve-o from Jackass, he had Mike Tyson hold his fist out, and Steve-o ran across the stage and dove into Mike Tyson`s fist and broke his own nose.
BEHAR: Really?
ROSS: Yes.
BEHAR: What an idiot.
ROSS: This is a real thing that happened. It`s hard to understand.
BEHAR: Demented.
ROSS: I think it`s going to go down in history as one of the most memorable roasts we`ve ever done.
BEHAR: I`m going to watch it this time, because I love your work. You`re the funniest roastmaster around. So thank you, Jeffrey.
ROSS: Thank you, darling.
BEHAR: Thanks for doing this. And again, the Charlie roast -- Charlie Sheen roast airs on Comedy Central Monday night. That is three plugs for that damn show. I`ll see you later.
ROSS: Right after the premiere of "Two and a Half Men." It`s going to be a great night, I love you.
BEHAR: OK.
So the roast of Charlie Sheen will certainly be funny. But why exactly did he do it? Here to discuss this and other pop culture stories in the news, are Susie Essman, comedian and actress from "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Ben Lyons, E! Network correspondent. And Jane Kaczmarek, actress and star of the upcoming NBC show "Whitney." Welcome to the show.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: I have to start with the fact -- with Susie, because you notice -- I mentioned it to him, none of the women ever want to be roasted. We`ve never been roasted.
SUSIE ESSMAN, COMEDIAN: You know, the last roast that I was on was the Bob Saget roast. And the only thing that the male comedians have to say about you is that you have a smelly popo, and -- that`s all they have. And believe me, none of them have smelled it. I have not gotten that close to any of them.
BEHAR: They know not what they say.
ESSMAN: No. But that`s the only thing they have to say about women, either you`re saggy or you`re smelly down there.
BEHAR: So we don`t want to do it.
ESSMAN: It`s the only thing that they have to say.
BEN LYONS, E! NETWORK: But didn`t Pamela Anderson get roasted a few years ago? I feel like she sat up there and everybody made bad Tommy Lee jokes.
BEHAR: About her boobs.
LYONS: About her boobs or who she slept with.
ESSMAN: But she`s a cartoon character.
(CROSSTALK)
JANE KACZMAREK, ACTRESS: Is Charlie Sheen now anything more than a cartoon character?
BEHAR: Correct, Jane.
KACZMAREK: I found it frankly, a little -- it`s just giving so much attention to a car wreck.
BEHAR: Charlie Sheen?
KACZMAREK: Yes.
BEHAR: Yes. I know.
KACZMAREK: That kind of bad behavior. He`s soon to not be with us is my guess. And I know --
BEHAR: You think so?
KACZMAREK: -- Martin and Janet, his parents. If that were your child, would you want that? Would you be proud -- you would be heartbroken what he`s done to himself.
(CROSSTALK)
ESSMAN: Would you want him up there celebrated for your child`s disease? That`s what we`re celebrating in this culture.
BEHAR: I don`t know, I think he`s going to be fine.
LYONS: I think he`s kind of turned the corner. I remember him coming on the show a few times when it was all happening. And then we all thought, OK, this could be any day now. But I think he`s got to attack this head on. And he`s not -- I don`t think his career as an actor is done. I think he`ll now be forever just a personality.
BEHAR: Well, the night that they`re doing it is the premiere of -- what is it called? "Two and a Half Men."
LYONS: It`s all about ego.
KACZMAREK: And it`s all about money.
BEHAR: Sure.
KACZMAREK: You remember Gelsie Kirkland (ph), the ballet dancer who sued ABC or whoever because they were giving her cocaine because it made her dance so brilliantly, because it sold tickets.
BEHAR: You mean cocaine would make me a ballet dancer?
(LAUGHTER)
ESSMAN: Maybe that`s why Sarah Palin took it.
(CROSSTALK)
KACZMAREK: If something`s going to sell, it will be a good bump for the new "Two and a Half Men."
ESSMAN: Hello, Judy Garland, look what they did to Judy Garland.
KACZMAREK: I know, if it makes money, you do it.
BEHAR: She survived it for a while too.
ESSMAN: She died at 47.
BEHAR: But his career is kind of like on the skids, and maybe he is trying to resuscitate a little bit here. Maybe he realizes that he gave up "Two and a Half Men" too easily.
ESSMAN: I`m sure he`s got lots of money.
(CROSSTALK)
LYONS: The fact that it`s airing on Comedy Central the same night that Ashton Kutcher is coming on taking over his role on "Two and a Half Men"? That is more than a coincidence. That`s planned, I think, and calculated.
KACZMAREK: It`s just like Obama when he was giving his jobs speech the night of the Republican convention. It`s the same thing.
BEHAR: I know, it`s exactly the same. OK, let`s move on to another story.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Here`s a bulletin. You can rest easy all of you, because Michaele Salahi is safe. You know this? She wasn`t abducted by aliens, she was just shtooping a rock star. Look at these TMZ pictures of Michaele and the lead guitarist for Journey. There they are. See the two of them? These pictures were taken in front of Tarek, her husband. Shouldn`t he have figured out something was going on from the pictures?
LYONS: So she said that she was kidnapped.
BEHAR: He said.
LYONS: He said that she was kidnapped.
BEHAR: That he thought she might be.
(CROSSTALK)
KACZMAREK: How long was she missing?
LYONS: No.
KACZMAREK: One night. You can`t even file a missing person`s report unless you`ve been gone for 24 hours. I don`t know why I know that.
ESSMAN: She wasn`t kidnapped. She was on a journey.
BEHAR: She was what?
ESSMAN: On a journey.
(CROSSTALK)
KACZMAREK: If it hadn`t been that guy from Journey -- because Journey is back in because of that "Glee" song. They sing that song in "Glee" all the time.
LYONS: End of the--
BEHAR: It`s a miracle? What is the name of that song?
LYONS: "Don`t Stop Believing."
BEHAR: Oh, "Don`t Stop Believing."
LYONS: So her husband thinks that she has the skills to break into the White House, but she can`t escape like an aging rock star?
BEHAR: Exactly.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Maybe it was true. Because let`s watch it, he told an NBC affiliate yesterday something. Watch this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
TAREK SALAHI: Anybody that knows Michaele knows that she`s a very loving, beautiful person. And for anybody to want to hurt her or do anything -- I`m just scared for her.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: This is before he thought he knew what really happened.
ESSMAN: He`s the dumbest man alive. He`s the dumbest man alive.
(CROSSTALK)
KACZMAREK: Why was the affiliate even covering this?
BEHAR: What?
ESSMAN: Because they broke into the White House and they`re reality TV stars. And people--
BEHAR: Here`s the thing, the minute he thought that she was abducted, he called TMZ and they tweeted me, OK? How serious was it?
KACZMAREK: Right, let`s call the FBI.
BEHAR: Do you think this is a stunt, really? Is this PR or is it real?
LYONS: To promote what? To be more of a train wreck?
KACZMAREK: They don`t do anything but promote themselves, right?
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: They`re looking for another reality show. And after the suicide in Beverly Hills there -- how do you top a suicide? An abduction.
ESSMAN: An abduction. Exactly.
BEHAR: OK. We`ll have much more pop culture when we come back, sit tight.
KACZMAREK: Only by aliens.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: And I`m back with my panel. Now, yesterday, Scarlett Johansson`s phone was hacked and nude photos of her were posted online. Today Mila Kunis`s phone was hacked and photos of her and Justin Timberlake were posted online. I can`t wait for the Betty White collection. Can you? Wait until you see the pictures of me in a sitz (ph) bath. OK. This happens all the time lately.
(CROSSTALK)
LYONS: I haven`t seen the Scarlett Johansson ones, they`re not on my iPad, I haven`t sent them to my friends. I haven`t downloaded them. I haven`t seen them at all.
ESSMAN: But Ben, if you`re a celebrity, which they are, why do you put nude photographs of yourself? They could lose their phone and somebody, you know.
BEHAR: But you have to know the pin code number, don`t you?
(CROSSTALK)
KACZMAREK: We`re of another generation. The thought of photographing myself with my phone with no clothes on?
BEHAR: I know, it`s unbelievable.
KACZMAREK: I can`t -- nothing would be further from -- I mean -- for me or the person I would send it to.
LYONS: I like now she`s getting serious, she`s filing a serious investigation.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: I mean, I won`t go to the beach, I wear a burka on the beach. They take pictures of you --
LYONS: I`m glad you mentioned Anthony Weiner, because I feel like we`re going to get to a place in our society where this stuff is going to start to happen, and it won`t become news, and there won`t be reasons to investigate. This is just going to be the way it is now after a while.
(CROSSTALK)
KACZMAREK: Look what happened to this guy. No. I mean, I will not take a photo of myself.
ESSMAN: Why is she sending somebody nude pictures? You assume the person she`s sending nude pictures of her has already seen her nude?
BEHAR: Exactly.
ESSMAN: Do they have a memory problem? Well, do they -- has she lost a lot of weight, they need to see --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Do you think maybe they want to get caught?
ESSMAN: Perhaps.
KACZMAREK: Oh my God.
BEHAR: You never thought of that, did you?
LYONS: She just got out of a marriage rather publicly, so there may be something with that. She might be doing it -- she was married to Ryan Reynolds.
(CROSSTALK)
LYONS: She`s been rumored to be with Sean Penn. She`s been seen with him a lot.
BEHAR: What a putan she is, my God! How many men does she go with?
(CROSSTALK)
LYONS: -- a lot of people cc`d on that e-mail with her photos.
ESSMAN: Remember when it was a big deal when Marilyn Monroe did the centerfold of "Playboy?"
(CROSSTALK)
KACZMAREK: Or Demi Moore pregnant. Remember?
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: We hear that Christina Crawford, Joan Crawford`s daughter in "Mommy Dearest," is going to do a one-person show and she`s going to go show footage of Joan Crawford nude. I`m scared of Joan Crawford with clothes on, much less nude. How scary.
KACZMAREK: In the nude? Are you kidding me?
BEHAR: No, it`s true.
(CROSSTALK)
KACZMAREK: Did she take pictures of her mother naked with -- with these cameras, I mean?
BEHAR: These are probably like super 8s or 8 millimeters.
ESSMAN: Maybe they`re what`s his name`s, that famous photograph, what is it, Heral (ph), or what is his name? The one that did all the gorgeous black and whites?
BEHAR: Cecil B. DeMille?
ESSMAN: No, not him. Forget it.
BEHAR: Listen to this, a controversy is heating up because televangelist Pat Robertson shocked some of his 700 Club viewers when he said it`s OK to divorce your spouse if they have Alzheimer`s. Watch this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
PAT ROBERTSON: I know it sounds cruel, but if he`s going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again. But you know, to make sure she has custodial care.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Maybe he and Newt Gingrich should open up like a marriage counseling service --
ESSMAN: Talk about what would Jesus do.
BEHAR: Jesus would get a divorce according to him.
KACZMAREK: Does his wife have Alzheimer`s?
BEHAR: No, no, but in case he has it, forget about it, then she`ll dump him. He doesn`t think of that. What type of behavior--
KACZMAREK: How did they come on to this -- how did this come up?
BEHAR: I haven`t got the clue. I don`t know what`s on the 700 Club, do you watch that show? I don`t. I can barely find Oprah, much less that show. I mean, what do you think about that? I mean, he says the person is for all intents and purposes dead.
LYONS: Why is he the authority? Why is he the one to say who people can be with?
ESSMAN: How about when is a life viable, when you abort a baby, I mean, it`s the same kind of argument about that. If the person is still alive, why are they for all intents and purposes dead? You could say that about a fetus and a cell.
BEHAR: So I don`t know, are you prochoice or not?
ESSMAN: No, I`m saying that his argument carries no weight. The person is alive, they`re for all intents and purposes dead because they have Alzheimer`s?
LYONS: Until death do us part, isn`t that what you say when you get married?
BEHAR: Unless you get a disease, it`s like a little caveat.
KACZMAREK: It`s cherry picking. Until death do you part, unless under these circumstances. And if you stand by the other things they say, there`s no abortion under any circumstances, any of that, suddenly he can go and get hot pants, and get a new woman to be his wife.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: They`re 85 years old, most people who have Alzheimer`s are pushing 100.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Pat Robertson is so hot, he`s going to find--
(CROSSTALK)
ESSMAN: My father-in-law has Alzheimer`s, and he`s quite cogent and cognizant most of the time.
BEHAR: Really?
ESSMAN: Yes. I mean, he`s not like -- he`s not divorceable. His wife died--
BEHAR: His wife died, yes.
ESSMAN: But I mean, he`s not, I mean, there`s different stages of Alzheimer`s, many different stages. Until you get to the stage where you`re completely feeble, it could be years and years and years.
BEHAR: That`s right. We have one more story, let`s see if we can get it. Mel Gibson is apparently producing a new movie for Warner Brothers about the Jewish hero Judah Macabee. I dated him. Does this mean he will now start screaming at his girlfriend in Yiddish? What kind of mensch is that? And not for nothing, I hear in this new film, he has the beaver (ph) puppet circumcised.
(CROSSTALK)
LYONS: This is a strange story, Joy, because Warner Brothers is the same studio as did the "Hangover" sequel, and he was rumored to have a cameo in that, and then all the cast members talked about how they didn`t want to be a part of a film that had him in it, so they removed him from the film. And now they`re going to give him this whole franchise movie with this Jewish action hero?
(CROSSTALK)
ESSMAN: Why doesn`t he -- to me, that`s as though he was like playing Malcolm X. You know what I mean? It`s as much of a stretch as for him to play Martin Luther King.
(CROSSTALK)
LYONS: I can`t see him on screen in any form. He makes me sick. I don`t mind the films he directs now, but I can`t watch him on screen.
KACZMAREK: You know what, it comes back to our original conversation, someone must think they can make money out of this, or they wouldn`t -- they are not doing it because they think he`s seen the error of his ways, they are not doing it because they think what a great story and Mel is the only one who could tell it.
(CROSSTALK)
KACZMAREK: Someone said we can make a lot of money out of Mel Gibson making his movie.
BEHAR: Well, he produced his last movie, "Apocalypto," he did that himself with his own money. He might have to do this. I don`t know three Jews who are going to put money up for Mel Gibson.
Thank you, guys, and by the way, you can see Susie at Caroline`s in New York City tonight and tomorrow night. We`ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with a woman who was nominated for seven consecutive Emmys for playing an acerbic, frustrated mother on "Malcolm in the Middle." Now, complete with new hips, she returns to TV as an acerbic, frustrated mother on NBC`s new "Whitney." The lovely Jane Kaczmarek.
KACZMAREK: So unlike who I am in real life.
BEHAR: Well, that`s my first question. Are you like that?
KACZMAREK: I am loud, and I do like talking, and I don`t know if I`m cynical but I`m pretty judgmental.
BEHAR: So you had this hip issue.
KACZMAREK: I did. You know, I was -- DePuy asked me to come on to this campaign to talk to people about what might be happening to them because it was happening to me, because it was tremendous pain in my tuchus -- no, in my hip at night when I was sleeping. I couldn`t sleep and I felt it in my groin. And -- it was surprising because I didn`t think if you had a hip that was going bad, that`s where it would hurt.
BEHAR: Who knew.
KACZMAREK: Who knew. And I was also pregnant with my third baby, was taking about 20 Advil a day. Which--
BEHAR: Did that affect the baby?
KACZMAREK: Well, I had to stop. That`s when I realized how bad my hip was. The doctor said you can`t be taking any of this stuff when you`re pregnant.
BEHAR: The baby will be pain free for the rest of her life.
KACZMAREK: So this pregnancy was really, you know --
BEHAR: Horrible.
KACZMAREK: And I had to finish "Malcolm." And I nursed her and then I had to finish "Malcolm" in the day. "Malcolm" was finished for that season, I went in and had this hip replaced.
Now, I don`t know everybody`s story, what mine is, but I`m just trying to encourage people if you are feeling these symptoms, to go to a doctor and have this checked out. Then I had my other one two years later. Two years later. The beginning of feeling that one, I went in and had it replaced. Now I just have a little switch.
BEHAR: You do.
KACZMAREK: I turn it on, I walk and I turn it off. But the things were, you know, it was crazy how you make excuses and live with yourself thinking oh, this isn`t bad, this isn`t bad. I used to go to the mall, and I would drive to the mall, and go in and get something, and get back in the car. Drive to the next store in the mall. I couldn`t even walk the length of the mall. And you just think, I`m busy, I don`t have time to do this.
BEHAR: But this company, DuPuy Orthopedics, they`re giving away hips? Because I could use--
KACZMAREK: If you buy a cereal box and you open your cereal, you could find an artificial hip in your cereal.
BEHAR: No, they`re not giving away hips?
KACZMAREK: They`re not giving away hips.
BEHAR: What are they doing? Before we go.
KACZMAREK: They started a campaign called the Anatomy of Movement Experience.
BEHAR: The Anatomy of Movement Experience.
KACZMAREK: Where people can go in. There are doctors who they can talk to in their area, they can talk about symptoms. People who are feeling these things. Even as young -- I was in my mid 40s when I had this done. People should go to this web site, check this out and find out if an artificial hip or knee might be in their cards.
BEHAR: You were young for that.
KACZMAREK: Yes, I was 47 with the first one.
BEHAR: OK. You guys out there, you can go to anatomyofmovementexperience.com for more information about Jane`s campaign.
And one quick note before we go. Kristin Chenoweth was on this show the other night and I want to note that the Parents Television Council has not opposed the gay storylines on "Glee." Just to clear that up. Yes. Thanks for watching. Thank you for doing this.
KACZMAREK: My pleasure.
BEHAR: Good night, everybody.
END
