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Joy Behar Page

All About Steve; Joy`s Favorite Moments on the Show

Aired December 15, 2011 - 22:00   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, the one and only Steve Martin is here to send Joy`s show off with a bang.

Plus, from the Kardashians to Herman Cain, Joy looks back at some of her favorite moments from the past two years with some of her favorite guests of the past two years.

That and more, starting right now.

JOY BEHAR, HLN HOST: When I was trying to figure out who would be the perfect final guest for my show only a few names came to mind: Sigmund Freud, Gertrude Stein, Jimmy Hoffa, but they`re all dead. So then I thought, what about Steve Martin? He`s a comedian, an actor, an author, a musician and even better, he`s alive.

STEVE MARTIN, ACTOR: Only partly dead.

BEHAR: So please welcome Steve Martin.

MARTIN: Thank you. Thank you. I wanted to be on your last show because I was guaranteed that I would never be asked back.

BEHAR: That`s true. You got that right. But, you know, what really happened between us is that you tweeted, "I`m sorry to see that your show is going off the air. Too bad. Great show."

MARTIN: Yes. I thought it was a great show. I really liked watching it.

BEHAR: Thank you.

MARTIN: The one time I watched, I thought it was a great show.

BEHAR: But you know, the other tweeting incident between us was one time I was in a theater and some annoying guy was chomping on popcorn during some foreign film I was watching and I tweeted this pig is eating popcorn and you then tweeted -- do you remember?

MARTIN: Vaguely. You say it.

BEHAR: You tweeted something to the effect of, "Well, I`m sorry I was so loud," or something like that.

MARTIN: Yes. Are you sure it was a foreign film? Are you sure you`re just not saying that now?

BEHAR: I`m saying that to make myself look smarter right now. It could be that. But no, it was some kind of quiet film. When someone is eating popcorn right next to you, I don`t care for that.

MARTIN: I believe you. I agree.

BEHAR: It`s annoying.

MARTIN: I`m going to agree with everything you say.

BEHAR: You`re a great tweeter -- twitterer, one of the top tweeters.

MARTIN: Well --

BEHAR: And are you going to turn it into a book or something?

MARTIN: I am.

BEHAR: You are.

MARTIN: We have a book -- I should say -- when I say we, it`s actually accurate because I`m including some responders` tweets back to me because the more I tweeted and I started reading their replies, I realized they were actually quite funny and we were kind of engaged in a dialogue. And so it`s actually -- I`m soliciting their permission -- although I found out I don`t really need it.

But since I`m on television, I`ll say it. If you get a request from -- I won`t tell the title, because it`s too long. But if you get a request from the ten, make that nine, it`s a request for permission -- and you get a free book if you reply to that.

BEHAR: Very good. So, you`re including your audience?

MARTIN: Yes, I am.

BEHAR: Ok. That`s very good of you.

MARTIN: That`s very, very kind of me, yes.

BEHAR: It is very kind.

MARTIN: I`m including them because I found out that they were funnier than I was.

BEHAR: But you know, I`ve been a fan of yours for many years. I mean I watched you on "Saturday Night Live." I remember when you were doing stand-up comedy. And it`s always interesting to me. You talk about it in your book, that you just gave up stand-up at one point. You just said that`s it. I`m not going to do this anymore.

MARTIN: I knew it was over about a year before I stopped, because I was booked and I still had all these shows to do. I actually still enjoy doing it because there`s a certain level of craft, and there`s audience response and everything. But I wasn`t being creative in it anymore. And I didn`t really know how to write for such a big audience. You know?

And I didn`t want to play for smaller audiences. I just didn`t want to go downhill. And I was in the movie business and I liked that better. Because I said, you know, when I was doing stand up, I went from town to town. And when I made movies, I stayed home and the movie went from town to town.

BEHAR: Much more pleasurable.

MARTIN: And, you know, when you did a movie and you got it right, you got it right once and it stayed right. I liked that.

BEHAR: So you didn`t miss the live performance, the smell of the grease paint, et cetera?

MARTIN: No, I really didn`t. Now I`m back, strangely, doing shows again. Music shows with comedy, bluegrass shows with a band.

BEHAR: Right.

MARTIN: And I`m using comedy and I`m really enjoying it.

BEHAR: You like it better when you have some people around you?

MARTIN: I like that.

BEHAR: It`s not so lonely.

MARTIN: And it`s not a continuum of comedy. It`s broken up with music and in a strange way it`s more narrative because you have a band. We worked out kind of a routine between us, a relationship, actually.

BEHAR: Well, stand-up is hard. You`re up there, by yourself.

MARTIN: I know. You`re by yourself, on stage. You`re by yourself off stage. And here, you have the band and you`re rehearsing and working out songs.

BEHAR: But you did the King Tut thing? That was your big number. Did you ever get tired of that?

MARTIN: Would I get tired of singing King Tut?

BEHAR: Let`s see. So, you and I have another thing in common that someone pointed out to me. We both got boost early in our careers from Steve Allen.

MARTIN: Love Steve Allen.

BEHAR: He was the best.

MARTIN: One of my favorite things he did -- he never did it on TV, he always did it in the audience warm up. They would ask him. They say, "Do they get this show in Omaha?" He would say, "They see it, but they don`t get it."

BEHAR: He was a great guy.

MARTIN: He was great.

BEHAR: He was one of those people who, if he thought you were talented, then he would help you. Not many people do that.

MARTIN: He had me on his show, my first appearance as a stand-up comedian ever. His introduction to me was absolutely perfect. He said, "Now, this next comedian, when you see him at first, you might not get it. But then when you think about it, you still might not get it and then you might want to come up and talk to him about it."

BEHAR: That was the intro?

MARTIN: Yes. That was his introduction.

BEHAR: I was working as a secretary at "Good Morning America." And I sent him -- I called him up one day to get his New Year`s resolution and I made him laugh on the phone. He said, hey, you`re funny. Why don`t you send me a tape?

MARTIN: Wow.

BEHAR: About six months later I sent him a tape because I was petrified. Even the phone call got me scared. I sent him a tape and then I followed up and he said "I laughed out loud with my mouth."

MARTIN: That`s a funny thing to say.

BEHAR: He said if I had a show, I would put you on the air and said really? And then six months later, he got a show and he put me on his show. I was a secretary.

MARTIN: Wow.

BEHAR: Yes. He really did help me.

MARTIN: I remember a thing he did on TV --

BEHAR: Actually, I was a receptionist. I was trying to aggrandize myself again. I apologize.

MARTIN: Well, these little lies catch up with you.

BEHAR: I know.

MARTIN: I saw him once on TV. He was playing a reporter and he says, "The news travels so fast today." He says, "Hand me that newspaper." And they throw him a newspaper and it falls on the floor. He picks it up and says "Steve Allen drops newspaper on national TV."

BEHAR: The other thing that you did -- first of all, let me ask you about Elvis because I understand that you met Elvis.

MARTIN: I did meet Elvis. You want to finish that question?

BEHAR: Go ahead. And he liked your comedy. That`s all, tell me about Elvis.

MARTIN: Well, that`s the entire story.

BEHAR: Ok. You also -- next.

MARTIN: Actually, I was playing in Las Vegas and I was opening for Ann Margaret. She and her husband, Roger Smith, were very nice to me because they booked me when other people wouldn`t. And, you know, Las Vegas was a very -- it was a tough place to play because Las Vegas Hilton was a huge barn. You played in these barns. You know, the laughs, they go -- ha, ha.

BEHAR: Helium.

MARTIN: And evaporate into the ceiling. And after the show, you know, Elvis was opening next weekend. I didn`t know he was in the audience. And he came back -- first I saw Priscilla, who is the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was dressed all in white. My dressing room door was open. I saw her coming down the hall and there she was and very beautiful.

And then she peeled away and behind her was Elvis. And this is the trim Elvis.

BEHAR: Oh.

MARTIN: And he`s got his -- this buckle, you know, like this, with diamonds and there was some kind of record, the most audience ever. And he walked by me and he said -- he saw me and he said, "Son, you have an oblique sense of humor."

BEHAR: He knew the word oblique.

MARTIN: Yes. He knew the word oblique.

BEHAR: That`s pretty impressive.

MARTIN: He was a very bright guy.

BEHAR: I guess so. So, you never met the fat Elvis, just the thin Elvis?

MARTIN: I don`t want to call him fat.

BEHAR: Well, he`s --

MARTIN: I would rather call him drug-addicted.

BEHAR: Ok.

MARTIN: And then he came back to talk to us again.

BEHAR: Yes.

MARTIN: And he was chatting.

BEHAR: Yes.

MARTIN: And I felt very proud, because he had a man who came up to him and said, "Elvis, we have to go." And I knew this was a guy who always came up to Elvis whenever he was engaged in a conversation to say he had to go to get him out of situations. And Elvis said, "It`s ok."

And then Elvis said, "You want to see my guns?" And he had three loaded guns on him. And he took out a derringer out of his back, and he had a gun in his boot and a gun somewhere else. And he took out the bullets, emptied the bullets and handed us these engraved, fancy guns and we went, wow.

BEHAR: Gosh.

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: He was a dangerous guy.

MARTIN: No. He was -- mixed up.

BEHAR: He was mixed up.

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: Ok we`re just getting started with Steve Martin. And we`re going to continue this conversation. You`re not leaving, right?

We`ll be right back. He`s good. We`ll tie him down. He`ll stay.

MARTIN: It`s not going that well.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Still to come, some of Joy`s favorite guests are here to say good-bye and look back on their favorite moments from the past two years.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MARTIN: Well, I`m going to go then. And I don`t need any of this. I don`t need this stuff and I don`t need you. I don`t need anything. Except this. That`s the only thing I need, is this. I don`t need this or this, just this ashtray. Just this paddle game. The ashtray and the paddle game and that`s all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control. That`s all I need.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: Well that was Steve Martin in "The Jerk," a movie that he wrote. Maybe I should leave the building and just start taking things as I leave. You want to do that?

MARTIN: That`s how I actually, that bit came from my -- that by the way, that was Bernadette Peters also in the movie there. I don`t want to leave her out. And that was a bit I used to close my stand-up act with, when I would work nightclubs. When I would say, well, I have to go now. I didn`t do it -- down bit thing.

BEHAR: Yes.

MARTIN: I have to go now and I don`t need anything. I don`t need you, I don`t need this. I need this. And I would then walk out, taking a few things with me.

BEHAR: Did it kill?

MARTIN: Did it what?

BEHAR: Did it kill?

MARTIN: It went pretty good. I wouldn`t have put it in the movie if it wasn`t going well. Hey, I want to use that lousy bit for my stand-up.

BEHAR: You know -- one of the things I was just intrigued by something in the -- in the research -- you believe that you were on Nixon`s enemy`s list?

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: I mean --

(CROSSTALK)

MARTIN: Well, I was a writer for the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour.

BEHAR: Oh I see.

MARTIN: And the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour was very critical of the war in Vietnam. And --

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: Right.

MARTIN: -- it was very left and I think -- I just guessed that all the writers and the Smothers Brothers were all on the Nixon enemies list -- enemas list. That was a -- that was a different list. And -- I mean I don`t know for sure. I just sort of guessed because we were all a little paranoid.

BEHAR: But did you want it -- you wanted to be, right?

MARTIN: I wanted to be. Yes.

BEHAR: It`s a great thing to be on it.

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: All the people who were on it, they just shouted from the rooftops.

MARTIN: Yes, I would love to see the list, but I actually don`t know.

BEHAR: Ok so let`s talk about you when you were on "Saturday Night Live" a little bit too. Because -- how did you sort of escape all the drugs that were there at that time?

MARTIN: Well, I had a very bad experience with drugs, just before walking out here.

BEHAR: So that`s --

(CROSSTALK)

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: -- so you`ve been sworn off of those since five minutes ago?

MARTIN: Yes actually, when I was very young. I smoked marijuana for a little bit and I had -- you know, there`s this horrible -- I don`t recommend marijuana to anybody, it leads to lethargy, paranoia.

BEHAR: Overeating.

MARTIN: Well, it can do that too. But -- but I -- I really had, I really had a nightmare experience that I could never experiment with drugs ever again. Fortunately.

BEHAR: Yes, that`s good.

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: Because, you know, Darryl Hammond was here recently and he is talking all about his drug abuse and --

MARTIN: Yes I had -- when I sold drugs to Darryl, it was more of like -- one of the low points of my life.

BEHAR: He did mention that.

Now, you have hosted "SNL" 15 times but Alec Baldwin recently surpassed you with 16. Are you going to take him down or what?

MARTIN: Yes I know but -- but you know what -- you know what?

BEHAR: Yes.

MARTIN: His hostings actually don`t qualify.

BEHAR: Why?

MARTIN: Because I sat with a timer and he doesn`t quite make it to the end.

BEHAR: Oh is that so?

MARTIN: Yes. Yes. The shows are a little shorter. I noticed by five or six seconds.

BEHAR: Oh, yes?

MARTIN: Yes, yes. That was a pre -- I can explain it to you all.

BEHAR: So you beat him in the end?

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: Did you see his recent thing on the airplane, his whole thing on the airplane?

MARTIN: I heard about it. I don`t know much about it.

BEHAR: Yes well, he did a funny thing on "SNL."

MARTIN: Yes I didn`t actually see the skit.

BEHAR: Oh you didn`t see the skit?

MARTIN: Because I refused to watch it.

BEHAR: He was kicked -- let`s put it this way. He was kicked off the plane because he was --

MARTIN: I know -- I know what happens, yes. You know I don`t -- what can I say? I wasn`t there.

BEHAR: Yes.

MARTIN: He`s a -- I love the guy. We get along great.

BEHAR: Oh yes he`s a great -- he`s a hilarious, hilarious guy. Like you.

MARTIN: He`s a really -- he`s a great raconteur. To have him at dinner is really fun.

BEHAR: Oh really?

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: Oh I`ve never had the pleasure. Because you know he avoids me. So Billy Crystal is returning to the Oscars.

MARTIN: Yes. Good for him.

BEHAR: Now what about you? Would you like to do it again? You were very good when you did it.

MARTIN: Well, you know it`s all a matter of timing and also being asked.

BEHAR: There is that.

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: I mean so you would do it again if they asked you?

MARTIN: Yes, sure. It depends on what`s up, what`s going on.

BEHAR: I think it`s a hard thing to do.

MARTIN: It`s very hard and it takes a lot of time for no money.

BEHAR: For no money.

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: And the audience doesn`t seem to like anybody who does it since Bob Hope did it and maybe you.

MARTIN: Oh they like -- they like people.

BEHAR: And they like Billy.

MARTIN: -- yes they like people. I don`t -- I really enjoy it. Because there`s a -- you know, the audience is -- is so much fun. I find them -- they`re all, in a way, peers. And I find the first 15 minutes of it -- my philosophy is the Johnny Carson philosophy. Is it`s a great -- great, you know you do your best in that 15-minute monologue and then get out of the way.

BEHAR: Oh right. Well, that`s right.

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: That`s correct. Now you`ve also --

(CROSSTALK)

MARTIN: But I loved working with Alec, too. That was really good to have a partner.

BEHAR: I would like to see that again. The two of you do it again.

MARTIN: Yes, all right. Here it goes. Pretend that this is --

BEHAR: But I mean, you know the thing about you is you know people expect you to be funny all the time. And I don`t think you like that. True?

MARTIN: Well, why would you want to be funny all the time?

BEHAR: Exactly.

MARTIN: I mean, you know off stage and dinner guests.

BEHAR: Yes but don`t people --

MARTIN: Hey, come on in. I don`t think that would work.

BEHAR: People do when you`re a comedian people want you to be funny all the time.

MARTIN: Not -- not real friends.

BEHAR: No.

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: No. But like if you appear some place, they want you to be funny.

MARTIN: Well, if it`s a working situation, yes.

BEHAR: Yes, I know but like --

MARTIN: You don`t walk out there and go -- by the way you`re probably expecting me to be funny, but uh-uh. Just the check, please.

BEHAR: Like, did you feel that coming here you had to be funny today? You don`t have to be.

MARTIN: No, I know that.

BEHAR: You know that?

MARTIN: No, no. I know that. I mean if it turns serious, it turns serious.

BEHAR: Ok. Well, maybe in the next segment, you`ll be really serious.

MARTIN: No next segment.

BEHAR: One more. One more with Steve, when we come back. Sit there.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: That`s the renaissance man, Steve Martin.

MARTIN: No. Actually, Leonardo never played the banjo.

BEHAR: He didn`t?

MARTIN: No.

BEHAR: Let me plug your album. This is called "Rare Bird Alert" and has been nominated for a Grammy. Congratulations.

MARTIN: Yes.

BEHAR: That`s nice.

MARTIN: Thank you.

BEHAR: So, you know, I`m out of -- this job is gone tonight. This is my last night.

MARTIN: Sorry about that.

BEHAR: Yes.

MARTIN: I`ve enjoyed your show. I want to say that. I applaud you.

BEHAR: I know. Thank you. I appreciate it.

MARTIN: It`s been very lively.

BEHAR: It has been lively. But what should I do with my time? I mean I do "The View" but I`m done at 12:00 there. I have the whole afternoon. What am I going to do?

MARTIN: But isn`t that sort of great? I just wonder, why do you want two jobs?

BEHAR: I don`t know. I just like to work, I think.

MARTIN: Well, so you`re looking for something in the evening? Don`t you have to be at "The View" at like 4:00 a.m. or something?

BEHAR: 9:00 in the morning.

MARTIN: Oh.

BEHAR: The whole thing is 9:00 to 12:00.

MARTIN: You know, you`re just -- you`re not coming off well.

BEHAR: No? Why?

MARTIN: Well --

BEHAR: Why not?

MARTIN: I mean, you know, most people, you know, work from 9:00 to 5:00 or longer.

BEHAR: Well, that`s what I`m trying to get that, to work 9:00 to 5:00.

MARTIN: I see. Do you want to do stand up? I think that`s very hard.

BEHAR: I do, do stand up.

MARTIN: I know. But I mean do you want to do it regularly? Where do you do it, for example?

BEHAR: I`ve done it all over the country. Casinos, theaters, everywhere.

MARTIN: And it goes well? I bet it does.

BEHAR: It does.

MARTIN: So maybe that`s it.

BEHAR: Maybe.

MARTIN: Do you write?

BEHAR: Yes.

MARTIN: Well, then what are you asking me for?

BEHAR: Well, you`ve tried everything. You`ve done everything. Music now, acting, stand up. You`re an art collector. What else do you do?

MARTIN: Right now I`m into this music thing. I really, really like that.

BEHAR: And so you stay with what you`re into for the time and then move on to the next?

MARTIN: If it comes up, yes.

BEHAR: That`s great.

MARTIN: I don`t know -- I mean, what do you think you`re going to do? What are you going to do tomorrow?

BEHAR: Tomorrow? Christmas shopping. Hang out.

MARTIN: That`s a job.

BEHAR: I`m interviewing someone else.

MARTIN: It doesn`t pay well.

BEHAR: No, it doesn`t. It doesn`t pay -- I don`t know. I don`t know. I`ll just do what I do, you know. I`ll call people up and say, what am I going to do next? That`s what I`ll do.

MARTIN: What about another kind of show?

BEHAR: What about it? Want to do one with me? We can do like a Regis & Kelly.

MARTIN: Regis and -- well, how would I get all my things done?

BEHAR: You wouldn`t have time.

MARTIN: I would be a bad -- I would be a bad talk show host because it`s that third guest that you don`t really know who they are.

BEHAR: Yes.

MARTIN: And you`re trying to make conversation.

BEHAR: Yes, yes. That`s tough.

No, we never did that here. I didn`t have that kind of show.

MARTIN: Yes, yes.

BEHAR: Listen, you`re here. I so appreciate you coming by. Wasn`t he fabulous?

MARTIN: I`m sorry -- I`m sorry --

BEHAR: You have no advice for me.

MARTIN: I`m sorry I fell apart in the third segment.

BEHAR: You sort of did a little bit, but that`s ok. Thanks, Steve.

MARTIN: Thank you very much. By the way, you know, there was Purell dispenser in the dressing room and I thought, what goes on out there?

BEHAR: God knows what`s been going on in there all this time. Be sure to pick up Steve`s Grammy-nominated bluegrass album, "Rare Bird Alert."

We`ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: My staff and I have put together some of the best moments from the past two and some-odd years. So, enjoy.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Joy.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Joy.

BARRY MANILOW (singing): Joy. Joy, Joy, Joy Behar.

LOUIS CK, COMEDIAN: I want to apologize, because I had -- I actually got a vasectomy three hours ago. I`m not kidding. I`m a little Valium`ed out and I`m a little swollen.

BEHAR: Seriously?

LOUIS CK: Yes. I`m not kidding.

BEHAR: No. No, no, no, no, no.

OZ: Yes.

BEHAR: Oh, my God. Who told you you could do this?

OZ: I was assured you would be -- let`s go. Inseam size. Here we go. Let`s find out. Suck it in. Suck it in. Oh, 31-and-a-half inches.

BEHAR: Seriously?

OZ: Very impressive.

BEHAR: No kidding.

OZ: I`m serious.

BEHAR: I`m underweight.

You want to know the truth? I find Eddie more attractive than Arnold. I love a tall, skinny Jewish boy like Eddie Fisher.

DEBBIE REYNOLDS, ACTRESS: Oh, that`s good.

BEHAR: This big pumped up thing is not my cup of tea.

REYNOLDS: No, I didn`t care for a big pumped up thing, but anything bigger than Eddie would have been nice.

BEHAR: Alaska is not the most liberal state and yet you seem to be very comfortable being a gay icon.

LEVI JOHNSTON: Well, growing up, I -- I`ve never seen a gay guy in Wasilla, I don`t think.

BEHAR: You never saw a gay guy? Look around. They`re all over --

JOHNSTON: I mean, I`ve seen gay guys, but --

BEHAR: Tell everybody how I got you on the show. Because you`re a big coup. Or -- one time, I have to tell you this, Merv Griffin was introducing Eva Gabor and he said one of the biggest coups in the neighborhood.

ROBIN WILLIAMS, ACTOR/COMEDIAN: And a warm hand on her opening, ladies and gentlemen.

SARAH SILVERMAN, COMEDIAN: You are known for many things. You`re funny, you`re beautiful, and you have great [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

BEHAR: That happens to be a fact.

SILVERMAN: That is well known. It`s true.

BEHAR: Known far and wide for my [EXPLETIVE DELETED].

Is there anything that you haven`t done that you would like to do still?

BILL MURRAY, COMEDIAN: Well, I have never done any crack, but I don`t know anyone who has any. You know, I don`t know where to get it.

BEHAR: There was another boyfriend you`ve had.

JOAN RIVERS, COMEDIAN: Yes, I had three since Edgar. One rich, one that only had one leg. I loved him the most. I did. I loved him the most. There`s more room in the bed. You know what I mean?

GARY SHANDLING, COMEDIAN: You`ve gotten great guests, and it`s because of you, because no one knows what HLN is. I thought it was the Home Shopping Network.

BEHAR: You made me speechless. Do you know --

BRAD GARRETT, COMEDIAN: There goes a couple of hundred. A couple of hundred, you white trash. All right. You trailer people. I love Vegas. I love, love Vegas. Really do.

BEHAR: Why would your father not like this one?

RON REAGAN JR.: Because she doesn`t have a thought in her head. She can`t explain where she stands on anything.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Your father would love her, and, frankly, I don`t think you can speak to your father, because you don`t even --

REAGAN: Have you ever met my father, Pam? Did you ever meet my father?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Did you ever meet --

REAGAN: Did you ever meet my father, Pam?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Did you ever meet --

REAGAN: Did you ever meet my father, I asked you a simple question, Pam, did you ever meet my father?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I read everything he said. And I`m saying yes, yes, I did--

REAGAN: You can`t answer that, because the answer is no.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: It`s really hard to argue with the offspring of the guy.

Is he your choice, Romney?

ANN COULTER, AUTHOR: No, I just think--

BEHAR: He is a bigger flip-flopper than John Kerry ever was in his entire career.

COULTER: To answer your question -- this is ADD in the same question.

BEHAR: Well, you have ADD, too. We`re a couple here.

MICHAEL MOORE, FILMMAKER: People had their homes foreclosed, people lost their health insurance, lost their jobs. They`re going to rise up and they`re going to say I`ve had it. I`m going to take a stand. I`m an American, this is a democracy, and I`m not going to sit on the couch anymore and take it.

BEHAR: What did you say about Fox that got you in trouble?

ELLEN BARKIN, ACTRESS: I said that I found it appalling that something that now -- that calls itself a news show can just look in the camera and lie.

BEHAR: What they would say is Bill O`Reilly is an opinion show, Sean Hannity is an opinion show, but they do have a fair and balanced news on that network. That`s what they say.

BARKIN: I haven`t found that.

BEHAR: You haven`t found it.

BARKIN: No.

BEHAR: Keep looking.

Homosexuality happens to be an orientation that some people have. I don`t think it`s a choice, do you?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Actually, yes, I do believe it`s a choice.

BEHAR: Why would you choose that when people like you vilify them?

Let me ask you something, do you have children?

DOROTHY CLAY SIMS, CASEY ANTHONY`S DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Yes.

BEHAR: Would you let Casey babysit your kids? You say she`s innocent.

Where did you lose your virginity?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I really -- I don`t know why -- I think it`s like super personal.

BEHAR: OK, what about you?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I`m weird like that.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I was 16.

BEHAR: You were 16?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I was somewhere between those two.

(CROSSTALK)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Don`t lie. You were 10.

BEHAR: I know this is jumping around, but I just remembered the story about when you used crack.

DARRELL HAMMOND, ACTOR: Yes.

BEHAR: Describe that to me. It`s just --

HAMMOND: All right. Take the greatest orgasm you`ve ever had, multiply it by five and prolong it for 12 hours.

BEHAR: That`s what it`s like to smoke crack?

HAMMOND: Yes.

BEHAR: So what`s the downside?

You write in the book that he had a fantastic body.

DIANE KEATON, ACTRESS: He did.

BEHAR: I don`t think people realized --

KEATON: A fantastic body.

BEHAR: He what?

KEATON: He had a fantastic body, yes.

BEHAR: Diane, you know what, love is blind. And here you have it.

JANE LYNCH, ACTRESS: I wrote this beautiful letter that was really honest.

BEHAR: How did it go?

(CROSSTALK)

LYNCH: Dear mom and dad, I`ve been so afraid to tell you this, because I was afraid you wouldn`t love me. And this is something that`s been -- I feel us growing apart and I really love you so much and I don`t want to lose this relationship, so I`m going to take this chance on the strength of our love. Oh, yes.

BEHAR: I can`t get you to talk to me.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I`m sorry.

BEHAR: Change seats. I want you to change seats right now. Change seats.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Good, fine. We can`t. We`re tethered to the table.

BEHAR: Oh, we can`t. You know what? We`ll be right back. They`ll be sitting where they`re supposed to be sitting.

I want to talk to you about Sandra Bullock.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I feel badly for her.

BEHAR: Why --

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don`t know her, but I --

BEHAR: You feel bad, not badly.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No, it`s an adverb.

BEHAR: No, you don`t feel sadly, do you? You feel bad and feel sad.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What is this?

BEHAR: Now, you were a bachelor for--

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Where`s my lunch box? Why am I -- so you`re calling me an illiterate in front of your entire audience?

BEHAR: No, I`m just correcting you, that it`s--

(CROSSTALK)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So I used an adverb improperly. Can I say improperly?

BEHAR: Yes, that`s correct.

Have you heard the tape, Stephen?

STEPHEN BALDWIN, ACTOR: Yes, Joy, I heard the tapes. So obviously there`s something wrong with the guy. What if this happened to you, Joy?

BEHAR: This would never happen to me. This would not happen to me. This idea of there but for the grace of God go I is a bunch of baloney. I have never been in that type of situation. I don`t talk to people like that. No one talks to me like that. So let`s get off that right now, OK? OK, sit tight. We have much more to discuss.

BALDWIN: Are you perfect?

BEHAR: Yes, I am.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: You got to watch Joy Behar. If you have had a day kind of been hard, she will lighten up your mood, make you laugh and find your groove. You`ve got to watch. You`ve got to watch. You`ve got to watch.

BEHAR: Did you feel that the interview was a spiritual journey?

MARTIN SHEEN, ACTOR: It was. It still is.

SUZE ORMAN: Right before you started, you said, but, Suze, people tune in to see topics -- and I go, Joy, they tune in to see you.

CAROL BURNETT, COMEDIAN: You make me laugh.

BEHAR: Oh, that`s sweet.

BURNETT: You do.

BEHAR: You don`t have to say that.

BURNETT: OK, I`ll take it back.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

BEHAR: And we`ll be right back with three of my favorite pop panelists of the past couple of years.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: I`m back with my panel. Now, yesterday, Scarlet Johansson`s phone was hacked and nude photos of her were posted online. Today, Mila Kunis` phone was hacked and photos of her and Justin Timberlake were posted online. I can`t wait for the Betty White collection, can you? Wait until you see the pictures of me in a sitz (ph) bath. OK.

SUSIE ESSMAN, COMEDIAN: Is she sending somebody nude pics? You would assume the person she`s sending nude pictures of her has already seen her nude.

BEHAR: Jefferson County, Colorado says that the First Amendment protects the right to view sexually explicit material. So porn is legal in public libraries. Does this mean that in addition to no talking, now there`s going to be no moaning?

JUDY GOLD, COMEDIAN: Going to be really odd for parents to be like, if I catch you in that library again, you`re grounded! You know?

BEHAR: The Kardashians, they were supposed to be on my show. They`re canceling all this media stuff. Why?

ROB SHUTER, POP CULTURE COMMENTATOR: Is that why we`re here?

BEHAR: No, not tonight.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: One of the things I loved doing on this show was the pop panels and those were three of my favorite guests. And they`re back here now to discuss the highlights and the lowlights of this past year and also some new things that have come up today.

We have Susie Essman, comedian and actress from "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Rob Shuter, naughty but nice columnist for the Huffington Post. And comedian Judy Gold.

OK, three suicidal people. What a way to end the show.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: OK, stop it!

GOLD: OK, sorry.

ESSMAN: I was going to get you -- I was thinking now you`re going to have a lot of time, so I went shopping. I was going to get you some knitting, some crocheting, some needlepoint.

BEHAR: That would work for me.

ESSMAN: But then I know all you really want to do is shop, so I didn`t get you anything.

(LAUGHTER)

BEHAR: OK, let`s start with some of the many political scandals. Now, former Senator John Edwards reportedly wants his girlfriend, Rielle Hunter, and their child to move into his family home. He has the kids and she has the puppies (ph).

(CROSSTALK)

GOLD: Wait. Don`t they have the other kid, too, together?

(CROSSTALK)

GOLD: They could do like a nude family photo shoot.

ESSMAN: There`s two sides to this. One is these kids -- Elizabeth`s children are now going to have the woman that he cheated on her with living -- however, we don`t know, they might like her. And if they do, they need a mother. So, we don`t know.

BEHAR: Right. That`s true.

SHUTER: That`s very generous.

(CROSSTALK)

GOLD: Well, you know, Susie is a stepmother.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: She`s a stepmother now.

GOLD: She`s very into the blended family.

BEHAR: But, you know, Rob, do you remember that he and she made a sex tape together?

SHUTER: They did.

BEHAR: He wanted to be president? Even Newt Gingrich doesn`t stoop that low.

ESSMAN: We don`t know yet.

GOLD: No one wants to see that one, I`ll tell you that.

SHUTER: I think it sounds to me like a good idea. I hope that they have camera crews that document it all for a new reality show on TLC. I think this would be a great program to watch this family merge.

ESSMAN: What kind of idiot runs for office and makes a sex tape? How out of touch do you have to be and not --

GOLD: That you`re going to make a sex tape and try to be president of the United States?

SHUTER: Large egos--

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: Speaking of big egos, Arnold Schwarzenegger, remember the love child?

GOLD: Yes. I think the love child should move in with John Edwards and his kids, too.

BEHAR: That`s good. Now that Maria has left him, do you think Arnold should maybe look around for some new cleaning ladies to have children with?

GOLD: He and Dominique Strauss-Kahn can go out and look for cleaning (ph) ladies together.

BEHAR: What is that about? Why do these men like to have sex with--

(CROSSTALK)

GOLD: Women like men in uniform and men like women in uniform.

ESSMAN: I`ll tell you what it is. It`s opportunity. It`s just opportunity. That -- I mean, people cheat when they have the opportunity. And the cleaning lady is there.

GOLD: Right.

ESSMAN: Not only is she in the bedroom, she`s in the bed. She`s tucking, she`s right there.

GOLD: Right. And she`s clean.

ESSMAN: And she`s clean.

BEHAR: Listen, I have a doorman. I`m not sleeping with him. Just because he`s there?

(CROSSTALK)

ESSMAN: You`re not an idiot. These are ridiculous heterosexual men. This is the dumbest group of ever human beings.

GOLD: And there`s none on this panel so we can talk about them.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: Don`t (inaudible). I do it every time he`s here.

GOLD: Sorry.

BEHAR: This Mildred Viana (ph), she revealed the kid`s identity to Hello magazine.

SHUTER: She didn`t get paid for it. She was that stupid. She could have made $500,000.

BEHAR: She didn`t make any money?

SHUTER: She didn`t get paid for it.

(CROSSTALK)

SHUTER: She did the interview with a friend of hers. And I think the deal was if we do it as friends, then I`ll write something very nice about you, is what she thought. But she could have had a big paycheck for that.

BEHAR: Don`t you think Arnold is paying her a lot of money?

GOLD: Totally.

BEHAR: Come on!

SHUTER: I think so. Maybe she doesn`t need the money.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: What do you mean she doesn`t need the money? She`s a housekeeper.

ESSMAN: Not anymore, Joy.

BEHAR: No, but she was. I don`t think she had a pension plan or a 401(k)--

(CROSSTALK)

GOLD: He did a lot for California. I`m sure he did a lot for her as well.

BEHAR: Well, you know, the kid, Joseph, he`s 13 years old. When he found out that Arnold was his daddy, he said cool. I mean --

ESSMAN: Because he`s 13. I want to see how he feels when he`s 23.

BEHAR: Why, you think it will change?

ESSMAN: Yes, because he`s an absentee father, he is not somebody who ever owned up to owning him. He might really -- that might change.

BEHAR: I don`t think he was so absentee. I think he was around quite a bit.

SHUTER: He was in the house.

BEHAR: He was in the house with her.

ESSMAN: But he wasn`t a father to the child.

BEHAR: No.

ESSMAN: He was just there.

BEHAR: That`s right.

SHUTER: But how many 13 years olds who think Arnold was cool? I thought Justin Bieber -- you know it`s like -- I`m not saying that he could be a father, but you would think that a 13-year-old wouldn`t be as into Arnold as this kid was.

BEHAR: No, but if that`s your father, and you genetically, you can lift couches over your head, you`d think that`s great.

(CROSSTALK)

ESSMAN: And also, at 13, I think you`re very susceptible to the idea of celebrity and fame.

BEHAR: That`s true. And he`s probably happy. The guy has got cash.

GOLD: He probably didn`t think he had a father, and then all of a sudden, look who his father is.

SHUTER: And he dressed up like his father for Halloween, did you know that?

(CROSSTALK)

SHUTER: He dressed up as the barbarian.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: Now, did you know that just as the war in Iraq has ended, the war between Donald Trump and Rosie O`Donnell --

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: -- it`s heating up. What do you think -- this is what -- she called him on my show --

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: She called him Voldemort and she did the hair flip again, which I said to her, don`t do it. Because I know Donald, he`s very, very vindictive.

ESSMAN: Very sensitive. Yes.

BEHAR: Sensitive or vindictive? I mean, he went right back at her, called her a true loser. You know, last time they had a fight, she was still on "The View," it was evil of him.

(CROSSTALK)

SHUTER: -- this time, too, he went after the girlfriend, too, and he said Rosie is now engaged, and he said can you imagine telling your parents you`ve getting married to that loser Rosie. It really got personal.

ESSMAN: I think they`re actually attracted to each other, because there`s so much--

(CROSSTALK)

ESSMAN: So much passion between them. Why are they on this again with each other? I think that there`s an attraction there.

(CROSSTALK)

ESSMAN: Oh my God, look who`s here!

BEHAR: Lewis Black, the party is starting.

Where is he going to sit?

LEWIS BLACK, COMEDIAN: I don`t need to sit. I`m just here as the dumb heterosexual male.

BEHAR: No party is complete without one.

BLACK: They said we need a stupid man and I raced over.

(CROSSTALK)

ESSMAN: You`re one of the good ones.

BEHAR: Also, who says he`s heterosexual? Where did you even hear that?

(CROSSTALK)

BLACK: Oh, they don`t know.

BEHAR: So do you want to sit and continue the conversation?

BLACK: I`ll be on my knees before you. I worship you.

BEHAR: OK, so what do you think about the Donald and Rosie?

BLACK: I think it`s vital.

BEHAR: You think it`s vital?

BLACK: Vital for America. You know, it`s really helped our trade balance, it`s going to get the payroll taxes done, you know, it`s going to really -- it`s going to make immigration easier, everything.

BEHAR: OK. How scared is this panel that Newt Gingrich could win the election?

GOLD: That`s never going to happen.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: I have two words for you, George Bush.

ESSMAN: It`s a different personality type. George Bush was a likable guy that people wanted to have a beer with. Newt, they want to throw the beer in his face. It`s a different personality type.

BLACK: What about Richard Nixon? Isn`t he kind of like the Richard Nixon?

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: Is he running?

BLACK: No, but he`s like, more like Richard Nixon, kind of around, hovering in the background, that beard (ph), kind of like creepy -- and then, oh, but I`ve been here so long, now I`m not so creepy. I`m just nuts!

BEHAR: Oh, we have to take a break. We`ll be back in a minute. Champagne toast. We`ll be back. Hang in there. Just when the party got started. Thanks for coming back. That`s so nice of you.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ESSMAN: We`re back. Joy, over the two and some odd months, years, what`s been your favorite part of this show?

BEHAR: I think my panels are my favorite. Because we have the most fun. Everybody`s very spontaneous, and people are smart and just talk off the top of their heads, and also Catherine Deneuve was on the show. I have a little thing for her.

(CROSSTALK)

GOLD: I know how you can keep the show on.

BEHAR: How?

GOLD: You need to go on "Dancing with the Stars" and show your [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. And I`m telling you, you will remain on this network.

BEHAR: That might help. Do you think that would help?

BLACK: I think nothing really helps a network that`s hell bent to [EXPLETIVE DELETED] on itself.

SHUTER: It has been a pleasure. Thank you for letting us all be a part of this.

(CROSSTALK)

ESSMAN: Is there anything you want to say to your audience?

BEHAR: I would like to say to my audience thank you for watching all this time, because you know, you can`t really do a show like this without a great crowd watching. And I did have a lot of great people watching the show.

ESSMAN: And people love the show.

GOLD: Love it.

BEHAR: They`ve been tweeting. Everyone`s upset that it`s off the air. But you know what, it`s the way it is. The network is trying to do something else, and that`s fine. Let them do what they want to do.

ESSMAN: And you also can`t do a show like this without these incredible people.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: My crew is the best crew. These people are so great here. I`ve never worked with people like this before. The crew and my writers, you know, they give me lines. I`m not brilliant 100 percent of the time, you know what I`m saying? And the producers and everybody who worked here. Everybody. I recommend them all for another job. Call me for recommendations.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Champaign.

BEHAR: Let`s do it.

BLACK: Cheers.

ESSMAN: And a lot happened to you in the past two and a half years.

BEHAR: A lot happened.

ESSMAN: Grandma.

BEHAR: Grandma.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: I had sex with Lewis Black.

ESSMAN: You got married.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: Steve Janowitz (ph) is here. He will--

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: He thinks he`s Howard Hughes, you know? So, thank you all for watching. Good night, everybody.

CROWD: We love you, Joy. We love you.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BEHAR: I had a terrible dream. I dreamt I had my own TV show and I kept repeating the same stories over and over again. Day after day, night after night. It wouldn`t end!

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Baby, baby, that wasn`t a dream. It`s cable news. Now go back to bed. I`ve got to get up in a couple of hours.

BEHAR: Oh, OK. Pleasant dreams, dear.

Joe, not tonight, I have a headache.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

END