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Joy Behar Page
Interview With Jimmy Fallon; Interview With Robin Williams
Aired December 16, 2011 - 22:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
JOY BEHAR, HOST: He`s a former cast member of "Saturday Night Live" as well as the host of his own Emmy-nominated late night talk show. His new book is called "Thank You Notes". So let me thank you, Jimmy Fallon, for doing my show and saving me from having to talk about J. Lo`s break-up and the debt ceiling.
JIMMY FALLON, TALK SHOW HOST: Oh my God. Wait, we`re not getting on those topics at all?
BEHAR: No.
FALLON: Thank you for having me.
BEHAR: Thank you.
FALLON: I think we`ve had it kind of up to here with those topics.
BEHAR: Yes. We`re sick of it. I mean, J. Lo`s -- who cares?
FALLON: They weren`t even that interesting. Yes, I mean, the debt ceiling was like, please.
BEHAR: The debt ceiling is really boring.
FALLON: Get to the end already. And now it`s all over with and now we can talk about enjoying the summer.
BEHAR: Exactly. Now your show, an Emmy nomination.
FALLON: Yes.
BEHAR: Leno didn`t get it. Letterman did not get an Emmy nomination. Just you.
FALLON: No, it was freaky. It was a crazy thing. We thought we were going to get zero nominations, because if you look at it, oh, well, "The Daily Show" will get one, and Colbert will get one, and you know, and Letterman.
BEHAR: And Maher.
FALLON: And Bill Maher. So it`s like they`re all taken up. And "Saturday Night Live". So we just go like, well, whatever. Either way we`re proud of our show, we`re happy to be doing what we`re doing. It`s fine.
BEHAR: Well, you have a lot of competition. But of all of them, I would say you are the most amiable.
FALLON: I like that.
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: I`ll take that. I`ll take what you have --
BEHAR: Meaning you`re funny and amiable. So therefore the committee might say, "Hey, we like him. He`s good looking, he`s funny, he`s sweet."
FALLON: I like this. So maybe, so you think we have a shot at maybe something.
BEHAR: You do, you do.
FALLON: See, you just ruined the whole night for me now. I was just going just to get drunk and just not remember what happened. And either way I was going to run on stage when "Modern Family" wins. And just go, hey guys, I just want to give a shout out to -- no. But no, last time --
BEHAR: You can thank Jesus. That`s always a pleasure.
FALLON: But I don`t think -- people don`t thank Jesus when they lose. They don`t go, hey, thanks a lot, Jesus. Could have helped that a little bit more, huh? Could have -- so I think we`re just going to go with the idea. I mean, I guess one in six nominees, so one in six chances of winning.
BEHAR: Yes, you got a chance.
FALLON: So you should actually think about what we`re going to say. I hate it when people get up there and go, I didn`t think we were going to win. It`s like, you had a better shot than I did. I was sitting at home, I didn`t even get nominated. So one in six chances of winning, yes.
BEHAR: Yes, exactly.
FALLON: So at least you have something prepared. But we`re just going to go, we`re already having a party out there. It is going to be fun.
And honestly, we didn`t even stress. When we first found out the nominations, I said to everybody, like, look, it doesn`t matter if we get nominated or not, we`re happy. I`m so proud of our show. We have great people who work really hard. Then when it came in, everyone was like crying and hugging and screaming. Oh, my God.
BEHAR: Of course, everybody`s excited.
FALLON: A bunch of mushes. Yes, over at late night and say, oh, my God. I hugged like 30 people before I made it to my office.
BEHAR: I love it when people cry. It`s just a statue, get over yourself.
Let`s talk about the "Jersey Shore" for a second, because this premiered on Thursday and I know you love to spoof them. So let`s take a look at some of your work here.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
FALLON: The Jersey Floor is all about the lifestyle.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Back on the Jersey Floor, baby, whoo.
FALLON: It`s like freaking paradise. I feel like I`m home here, I can be myself, I can dress the way I want to dress. You know, I do shots, I tan and I drink. STD.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
FALLON: Shots, tan and drink. Yes STD.
BEHAR: That`s hysterical. That hairdo, though.
FALLON: That`s pretty awesome. Pauly D -- we have the best, hair and make-up is great on our show. We work so hard. There are like -- two different like sketches, which is a lot of the other shows don`t do it. You don`t have to. We`re a talk show, really, so we don`t just have to. But we do things besides talk. We do sketches --
BEHAR: But that`s your thing.
FALLON: Yes. That`s what we -- I mean from "Saturday Night Live" and all that stuff. Like "Jersey Shore", I`m obsessed with that show. I think it is fantastic.
BEHAR: What do you like about it?
FALLON: They`re just so unlike me. It`s like watching sometimes I go, I would never do that, I would never make those choices. I would never like -- you know, they drive by a club and it`s packed. And they go, that place is packed, we`ve got to go there.
I`m like that`s the opposite of me. If I drive by a deli and I go, that has too many people in that deli. I want to go to a place where no one is. I don`t want to go to a bar and talk to anyone. I don`t want to - - so that`s the opposite of me.
But I love them, I`m obsessed with them. We had a couple of them on the show, you know, Pauly D and Snooki and those guys. And I think they actually have good attitudes. I like Pauly D.
BEHAR: You like him?
FALLON: I like him. I think he`s got a good attitude, like look, everything might go away in like ten minutes from now. I don`t know. I`m just making all the money I can make now, you know?
BEHAR: He`s smart.
FALLON: Yes. It could all go away.
BEHAR: Doesn`t "The Situation", or whatever his name is, doesn`t he say the same thing? They copy each other.
(CROSSTALK)
FALLON: I don`t know. "The Situation" has got a different thing. A lot of people say that Pauly D`s abs are better than "The Situation`s" abs.
BEHAR: Stop it.
FALLON: That`s the real situation.
(CROSSTALK)
FALLON: I know, the end of the world. One of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
BEHAR: Now they went to Italy, to Florence, and you know, the Italians are like, get the hell out.
FALLON: I`m obsessed with it. It was great. Did you watch it? You don`t watch it.
BEHAR: I don`t really like the show that much.
FALLON: You don`t, no.
BEHAR: I grew up with kids like that, and they tried to beat me up, so I don`t like to watch them.
FALLON: It is like, it`s like watching -- but it`s interesting to see them on -- in Italy. I think what MTV should do is just keep them for two months for the rest of their lives just going on some show, either on "Jersey Shore" or something, just see how they age and who they become. It`s like an experiment, like a social experiment. Remember that movie "Seven-Up"?
BEHAR: Yes. "Seven-Up".
FALLON: It was like some guy did -- it was almost like these little kids were 7 years old, and every seven years he would interview them again.
BEHAR: Oh, yes.
FALLON: And he kept doing it until one of them passed away recently. I mean he`s running out of -- he`s getting to the end of their run.
BEHAR: It`s going to be called seven down.
FALLON: Fascinating, yes. Once it`s seven down, the movies are over with. No, yes, it`s all retrospect. It is a fascinating documentary to see how these kids grow up, what they ended up being. They kind of blamed the fame of these movies on how their lives ended up.
BEHAR: Wait a second, that`s a great sketch for you. Like do like 30 years from now all bloated and fat.
FALLON: Like here`s "The Situation". Like I got a real situation now.
BEHAR: That`s a great sketch for you. I love the fact that you can do sketches, because Letterman and Leno, to name but two, are just, they are stand-up comics. They are not like -- you have your whole experience as a sketch comic.
FALLON: Yes. I mean, yes -- "Saturday Night Live" is a big --
BEHAR: And yet you`re very charming and you can do monologues, so you really have a leg up.
FALLON: Well, I think it`s like even like Carson did sketches, too. Good or bad. He did you know --
BEHAR: His were hilarious.
FALLON: Yes, I mean, I loved them, so that`s -- have a thing like -- you have so much time to fill at night. So it`s like -- do you ever see when Ed Ames throws the tomahawk on Carson and he goes to pull -- the tomahawk lands between the cowboy`s legs. And Carson -- Ed goes to grab it, and Carson grabs him, like, oh, no, we`ve got an hour to kill, buddy. We`re going to milk this, we`re going to milk this for a long time. Oh, yes, yes. We`re going to look at that for a long time.
He`s so smart. You have so much time to fill. So you think of these different weird things just to keep people awake. And I have great, great crew writers. Like we`ve been doing a lot of musical -- I do musical impressions. I used to do that in my stand up act.
BEHAR: Like what?
FALLON: Well, I used to do, like say -- I do a Neil Young impression which a lot of people do.
BEHAR: You happen to have a guitar here.
BEHAR: I have a guitar here. Yes. I can just show you the difference between like a Neil Young and a Bob Dylan impression.
BEHAR: OK. Oh, Neil Young is kind of like a depressant.
FALLON: Well, they`re -- Neil Young also it`s like, his harmonica is different too. Neil Young could be like, so say I`ll do the theme song of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" as Neil Young.
BEHAR: Sure. Why not. As Neil Young. OK.
JIMMY FALLON: This is a story all about how my life got flip-turned upside down. Like to take a minute just sit right there, tell you all how I became a prince of a town called Bel Air.
Now Bob Dylan, he just takes the highest part of the harmonica and just screeches it. And just keep blowing out. That`s all he does, that`s how he plays harmonica.
So here is Bob Dylan doing a different theme song.
New boy in my neighborhood lives upstairs and it`s understood. He is just there to take good care of me like he`s one of the family. Charles in charge of our days and our nights, Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights, Charles in charge -- Charles in charge -- I want Charles in charge of me.
That`s the difference there.
BEHAR: Very funny.
FALLON: So like, you know, I have got to give it to the writers on that. Like Mike DeSanto (ph) is the writer that wrote those ideas. Because I`ve done those impressions of those people. I can do impressions of a bunch of other people. But it`s the idea of --
BEHAR: You need a concept.
FALLON: You need a great concept. Where do you put them? It`s like, so he was like, what if Neil Young sang Will Smith, you end up -- or if I sang Willow Smith. I sang "Whip my Hair Back and Forth" as Neil Young.
And then we got Bruce Springsteen to come on and put on a beard and wig and do that -- he used to go like, I was Neil and I`m going like, "Whip my hair back and forth." He goes, "You`ve got to whip your hair. You got to whip your hair. Ooh, whip your hair."
And he was kind of -- and it was the most bizarre thing ever to get Bruce Springsteen to put a wig on. Or anything like -- I ended up using -- we did "Born to Run," I hosted the Emmys and we did a spoof of "Born to Run," like a Glee version.
BEHAR: Oh, really?
FALLON: Yes. It was really -- it was fun. It was written by Amy Olsos (ph), she`s a great writer. And -- and so we did this bit. And it was a success for us. And then Bruce saw that and he was like, I want to come on Jimmy`s show and we`ll do a thing. What he wants to do, a bit or something? And then it was about 12 hours later, he is still talking. And then my dad -- he used to call me on the phone --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: But he`s calling. I like that, he goes on and on.
FALLON: Yes, to tell you he did an encore on the phone. And so then he said, he goes, I`ll bring like a, just get me like a floppy hat -- I used to wear a floppy hat in the `70s. And I`ll bring my own sunglasses.
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: We`ll do that and it will be fun. So he came on the show and he brought his actual sunglasses from the "Born to Run" tour. And then -- and then we got him a floppy hat and he did it. And it was --
BEHAR: He is the best. The Boss is the best.
FALLON: It was one of the most amazing --
BEHAR: Ok.
FALLON: Yes.
BEHAR: We`ll have more with Jimmy Fallon on the way. Sit tight.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
FALLON: It`s glamour time. Hello the photo shoot can begin.
(CROSSTALK)
FALLON: Look, I sound like MC Hammer. Stop, Hammer time. I`m having a ball right now. Can`t touch these or this.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Oh you`re a stunning female.
FALLON: Yes, right.
BEHAR: Some guys put a wig on and they are really facia bruta, but you are so gorgeous.
FALLON: Right, it is tough. Let me just say, just dressing up as a woman, I never had to do it on "Saturday Night Live".
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: It is so tough. I feel for you.
BEHAR: Oh I know, believe me.
FALLON: The fake eyelashes and --
BEHAR: Holding the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) up is a -- is a major production.
FALLON: I mean, just the bra, I mean, you`ve got to put it on backwards and then turn it around.
BEHAR: Oh yes.
FALLON: And then it`s all sorts of ways to get in your outfits. It`s like secrets. The whole thing is an absolute nightmare. Earrings are pressing against your earlobes. That has got to be some kind of acupuncture problem.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: It`s like acupuncture.
FALLON: I don`t know what it is, but I had flats, it`s like walking on cardboard with a gold medallion on the front. I go, this is nothing, I`m not getting any support here. It was a -- honestly, spanks. I mean, it was the whole thing. This was just to perform a comedy sketch. This is like --
BEHAR: And this is just to go to bed.
FALLON: This is just to go to bed. Not even going out anywhere. Exactly. It`s like I feel for my wife, my mother. I feel for everybody, my sister.
BEHAR: You know, before we talk about the book, which I think is hilarious, "Thank You Notes".
FALLON: Thanks.
BEHAR: I love this book. It`s so funny. They were reading it beforehand and laughing out loud. It`s a wonderful, funny concept too.
So anyway, but before we go there, I want to talk about the late night situation, because George Lopez was on -- what was he on, "Piers Morgan" the other night or something, yes?
FALLON: Yes.
BEHAR: And he was bashing Leno mercilessly. He put your name in there too, that you don`t like him, that Craig doesn`t like him. And nobody likes him. And what is up with George Lopez attacking Jay Leno? Why?
FALLON: I don`t know. I don`t know, maybe -- I -- I like Leno a lot.
BEHAR: Of course you do.
FALLON: Leno`s great.
BEHAR: There seems to be like -- ever since that whole thing with Conan, there has been a war against Leno, I perceive. What do you think?
FALLON: I don`t know, you know, I kind of jumped out of it. Because I`m just like --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Smart.
FALLON: Yes. Exactly. I don`t know what it is going to do. I think everyone ended up --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Let the old guys fight with each other.
FALLON: That`s why I ended up -- they`ve got great jobs, everyone is happy.
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: I think they should be happy. They`re all working. Everyone is doing stuff. It`s like I -- I just kind of pulled out of that. It just like it wasn`t --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: You know it`s sad that they had to fight in the first place, but again, it wasn`t my fight to fight.
BEHAR: So there is no competitiveness going on backstage between all the late night hosts?
FALLON: Maybe there is. Not with me. I`m not competitive at all. I`m friends with -- we`re playing kickball against the "Daily Show" tonight.
BEHAR: And you hope they win?
FALLON: I don`t hope they win. I hope to beat them at something. Yes.
BEHAR: How is it that you are so non-competitive? What kind of -- what kind of mother did you have?
FALLON: I don`t know. I think I wasn`t -- I mean, I do like have a competitive spirit, but I feel like when it comes to ratings and show and all that stuff, you just do the best show you can do.
BEHAR: What else can you do?
FALLON: I mean, there`s nothing else you can do. Really, I can`t --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: -- you know, it`s all about -- like it`s all about your lead- in too, I feel like, I feel it goes from your lead-in.
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: And so I feel like people are just gradually falling asleep. Absolutely.
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: They put on NBC, they watch whatever they watch, then they watch Leno, then they start drifting, and then I just happen to be on by the time you wake up for the "Today" Show. They go, hey, what? Where was I for the past 12 hours?
So the ratings go down. I feel like it is gradual. That`s just the way it`s going to be. I don`t -- our ratings have been great and all that stuff.
BEHAR: But you`re a hit. You`re a success.
FALLON: Yes. Things are working. It`s like -- which was tricky for us, because when you`re replacing someone who has been around for 16 years, Conan was on for 16 years.
BEHAR: Really.
FALLON: Isn`t that crazy?
BEHAR: My God.
FALLON: So if you were used to that face on their television at that time of night.
BEHAR: Right.
FALLON: To have a new face in there, and it`s like, I don`t know if I like this guy.
BEHAR: Yes but they like you enough to keep you there so that people can get used to your face.
FALLON: Yes. The Internet helped out a lot with that.
BEHAR: Oh yes?
FALLON: We did a lot of stuff because you know, Conan had to say goodbye, his farewell month. And all that stuff. And we`re just kind of waiting to go on and do stuff. So I don`t know how to practice. I don`t know how to do a talk show unless you practice.
So I went on the Internet. Lorne Michaels and I were actually talking. He said you should go on the Internet. And I said, yes, and he actually sent it to the press, so that means we had to go on the Internet. So we went on the Internet. I had a video camera. We had two writers.
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: And I would just talk to the video camera and just like -- like kids can do it right now from their house.
BEHAR: That`s a great idea.
FALLON: Live and talking and just say, hey, everybody. Today we`re - - we`re setting up -- we`re hiring writers. So here are the four packets, here`s one idea we thought was funny. You know, and just start talking to my audience.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: How did you get people to know -- to find you?
FALLON: Twitter, which was growing at the time. We said, hey, you guys, we`re going to go online at 12:35.
BEHAR: So your fans -- so your fans came.
FALLON: Yes, the fans started coming, and then they were commenting.
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: And they were saying, like, hey, you know what, I don`t like the way your hair looks there. Or I don`t like this -- or I wouldn`t do that bit if I were you. And it`s like, and we took what they said. It`s ok, you don`t like my hair like that? I`ll put my hair like this.
It`s like, no, wait, that`s worse, go back to the old hair. Ok, I`ll do that.
So you know what, but then they will say like, you know, yes, you should lose a few pounds or whatever they can say whatever. They can get harsh but whatever. It`s like, that`s what you get when you go into that world.
BEHAR: Well, they never get really that mean until you express your political positions. Then they turn on you.
FALLON: That`s a weird thing.
BEHAR: Yes.
FALLON: Because I sent out -- we sent out jokes for our monologue. And we hit everybody. We hit Sarah Palin. We hit President Obama. We hit Joe Biden, we hit --
BEHAR: You have to go across the board when you`re a good comedian. Otherwise they turn.
Now, listen, we`ll have more with Jimmy Fallon in just a minute.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with the host of "Late Night", Mr. Jimmy Fallon. Let`s talk about this lovely book of yours. First of all, what made you decide to write a book that had thank you notes? Where did that come from?
FALLON: Every Friday, we do thank you notes. Where these are -- sarcastic thank you notes. We did it as a one-off, and I just write these sarcastic thank you notes about mundane stuff in life that bothered me. And the audience loved it, and Twitter loved it, and Facebook, they were like, you`ve got to do thank you notes again. So I was like, you guys, I think we have a hit, we have something, it`s wild. So we started writing - -
BEHAR: How long have you been on the air?
FALLON: Two and a half years.
BEHAR: So it took you that long to come up with the bit.
FALLON: Yes.
BEHAR: It takes a while.
FALLON: It`s not easy, yes.
BEHAR: So tell me a couple.
FALLON: Sure. I`ll give you a couple. I brought --
BEHAR: Now, these are different ones from what you said on "The View," right?
FALLON: Yes. Of course. Yes. I brought some. You get exclusive ones here, Joy.
BEHAR: I want exclusives.
FALLON: Do you have any music? Or no, no music? Thank you.
BEHAR: There`s the music.
FALLON: Fantastic. Thank you very much.
Thank you Microbreweries for making my alcoholism seem like a neat hobby. You got pumpkin ale.
Thank you, Real Housewives of New Jersey, for defending the one-truism of the universe, that idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be on my TIVO. Thank you.
Thank you, guy with the $10,000 sound system in his $800 car for driving down Broadway this afternoon. You`re loud, you`re proud. You`re in a `93 Tercel. Thank you.
I have one more.
Thank you, dad, for discovering text messaging. I really like that text you sent with the smiley face, but not as much as the 27 blank text messages you sent right after. Kept me awake all night. Thank you so much, dad. Really appreciate it.
BEHAR: Oh, very funny.
And you know something, Jimmy, the thing that`s funny about you is that when you deliver it on camera, you actually pretend you`re writing it.
FALLON: Am I faking anyone out?
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: The audience thinks you`re actually writing it.
FALLON: Yes, come on. I know it. I think it`s all show business, right? Come on.
BEHAR: OK. Ben & Jerry`s I understand has named an ice cream, made an ice cream for you.
FALLON: Yes.
BEHAR: So we have it here.
FALLON: You want to try it? Be honest.
BEHAR: Let`s test this.
FALLON: So, here we go, this is -- guess what`s in it first. Have you -- eat it and guess what`s in it and then I`ll tell you what`s in it. It`s really good.
BEHAR: I see a nut. I see a nut. Not just --
(CROSSTALK)
FALLON: Ah, you beat me to it.
BEHAR: That`s good. It`s not a nut.
FALLON: No. That`s the best part. You can play this game at your house. Is it a nut or not a nut? That`s the name of the game.
BEHAR: We play naked charades at my house, ok?
FALLON: Again, is it a nut or not a nut? You know --
(CROSSTALK)
FALLON: It`s a potato chip crushed up and covered in fudge so it doesn`t get soggy. And then a salty caramel swirl.
BEHAR: What`s it called?
FALLON: It`s called Late Night Snack. It`s Ben & Jerry`s.
BEHAR: That is fabulous.
FALLON: And then the money, the proceeds that I was going to get for this ice cream is all going to Fair Trade Universities, because the fudge in this, the ice cream and the vanilla bean is Fair Trade. So it`s good for like developing countries (ph) that can`t hack it with the giant farms.
BEHAR: That`s good. Very good. His book is called "Thank You Notes," and of course see Jimmy every night on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" on NBC.
We`ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: When he was growing up, Robin Williams was a self-described shy, quiet kid. But just like dabbling in lesbianism, it was just a phase.
ROBIN WILLIAMS, ACTOR: Wow.
BEHAR: The Oscar-winning actor and comedian is currently starring on Broadway in "Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo," which I saw, and it`s great. You should go see it. And he`s here with me now. Robin Williams. Applause, applause. OK.
So I came to see you in the play.
WILLIAMS: Dabbling in lesbianism. I mean, what are you, sisters of Sappho, unite. Now. Dabbling in lesbianism. Are you a cunning linguist? Call this number.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: You know, a lot of women do just --
WILLIAMS: Dabble.
BEHAR: They dabble.
WILLIAMS: And a lot of men do, too, but they go, hey, I didn`t perform a homosexual act. No, Elton John is a homosexual act. You just blew that guy. It`s OK. I`m dabbling. You`re dabbling. Dabbling where? I don`t want to know.
BEHAR: There`s another thing that`s going on. A bunch of lesbian mothers. They`re really married to men in the suburbs. Are cheating on their husbands with women and then going back. It`s like the opposite of what men do.
WILLIAMS: Well, welcome. Fair play.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: I know.
WILLIAMS: Mary, where were you? Guess what? We both like vagina.
BEHAR: That could get them together in a way.
WILLIAMS: In a weird way, that could bring them together, going where were you?
BEHAR: Tell everybody how I got you on the show. Because you`re a big coup. Or as --
WILLIAMS: I`m glad you --
BEHAR: One time, I`ve got to tell you this. Merv Griffin was introducing Ava Gabor, and he said one of the biggest coups in the neighborhood.
(LAUGHTER)
WILLIAMS: And a warm hand on her opening, ladies and gentlemen.
BEHAR: That`s a great story.
WILLIAMS: That`s like Queen Victoria. She wrote a book called "Balls I Have Held." Talking about great parties she --
BEHAR: Really?
WILLIAMS: I don`t now. Oh, I held a lovely ball the other day, and it was Albert. Oh, stop. You got me to come on the show because they had a thing after Bengal Tiger doing -- for Broadway Cares. And you were bidding for coming up on stage to take a picture with the crew -- with all of us on the cast. And you paid 600 bucks. And for that, I`ll do your show.
BEHAR: I basically bribed you.
WILLIAMS: Yes.
BEHAR: But for a charity.
WILLIAMS: For a charity.
BEHAR: But I really appreciate you coming. Because you don`t do a lot of TV.
WILLIAMS: No.
BEHAR: You`re a big movie star.
WILLIAMS: Oh, thank you.
BEHAR: You are. We were just going over some of your movies. You`ve done incredible movies, Robin.
WILLIAMS: Yes, there have been some interesting ones.
BEHAR: What was your fave?
WILLIAMS: I think "Dead Poets" was probably my favorite, just to get started with the idea of doing a movie that people treated as more than a movie. I once met a guy who said, I gave up my job at Sears and became a teacher because of you. I went, I hope things are going well.
BEHAR: I wonder.
WILLIAMS: yes. And then "Awakenings" and "Fisher King." And then the animation, "Aladdin," it`s always fun because it`s so much fun to do.
BEHAR: And "Popeye."
WILLIAMS: "Popeye" was great. It was just weird, we got to the end of the movie and they ran out of money. They pulled the plug and all the special effects people left. And it was a bit like Ed Wood. Shelley Duvall is in the water with an octopus with nobody to run the octopus, and she`s going, oh, help. And the octopus tentacles are going -- oh, help.
(LAUGHTER)
WILLIAMS: And I`m joking, but Robert Evans (ph) says, and he`s a little bit coked up at the time, going, how do we end the movie? How do we end the movie? And I`m going, well, I could walk on the water like Jesus. He went, yes, great idea. We ended up doing it in the movie. He was like, yes, let`s do that. That would be great. Get him off me! I never did any blow. I did a little toot, but never any blow.
BEHAR: What about "Awakenings," that movie about dead people -- no, they were not dead.
WILLIAMS: They weren`t dead.
BEHAR: They were not dead, what was it?
WILLIAMS: That`s called get up.
BEHAR: They were like catatonic.
WILLIAMS: Yes. Well, they suffered from a disease called encephalitis lethargica, which was like a flu that swept through Europe and America and it rendered people -- and they thought they were catatonic. They thought they weren`t conscious, but the truth is they were -- it had attacked the lower functions, but they were actually aware, but like in almost like a dream state. Billy Connolly said they should have called the movie, "Get up, wake up, you." And the weird thing is, a lot of them went under when they were like 16, and then they -- Oliver brought them back out with this drug called l-dopamine when they were like in their 80s. But a lot of them thought they woke up when they were 16 and thought they were 16-year-old boys again, and immediately started hey, how are you? That scene wasn`t in the movie.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: I don`t know if you can pixelate that.
WILLIAMS: What`s he doing now? That`s not mine, Mr. Wiener. That`s not mine.
BEHAR: I was just thinking of him, too. Isn`t that funny? I free associated right to him.
WILLIAMS: It`s easy to do. Even Freud`s going, take anything off the top shelf.
BEHAR: You know what he did, right?
WILLIAMS: Oh, yes. Supposedly he said someone hacked his Twitter account and they got a picture of him in tighty whities, but he`s going -- I don`t know -- he`s basically saying, was it really well endowed? No, it`s not mine.
BEHAR: Well, you know, Whoopi today was talking about it, and she was saying you could Photoshop anything. He could have been in trousers and they just put him in that -- do you think that could have happened?
WILLIAMS: Photoshop? Photoshop? Then why not put a smiley face on it? Oh, look. It`s little rumple foreskin. What are you doing?
BEHAR: But they basically could have done that. They could have, you know--
WILLIAMS: They could have done 100 different things. They could have actually had (inaudible) or made it slightly -- two of them. Which would be like, wow.
BEHAR: But the thing about him is that he was tweeting all these young girls. Maybe that`s a mistake.
WILLIAMS: Just a touch.
BEHAR: I mean, you are a congressman.
WILLIAMS: There`s nothing that goes unnoticed in this age. You are a congressman. And the idea of like, don`t do that. I only tweeted once. I tweeted "I`m on the road." And I went, that`s it, I`m done.
BEHAR: That`s it.
WILLIAMS: Because the next tweet is "I know, I`m right behind you." Twitter leads to stalkers.
BEHAR: Exactly.
WILLIAMS: But there`s people who are masters of -- people who are masters of tweets, like Steve Martin, Albert Brooks, Garry Shandling. They know. And it`s great short form comedy.
BEHAR: Yes. That`s true.
WILLIAMS: But you can`t imagine Shakespeare tweeting to be or not to be, smiley face.
BEHAR: No. But speaking of that, I took a picture with you one time that if that got out -- look at this picture.
WILLIAMS: What is the picture?
BEHAR: Look at that. Can you see it? That`s us on the left.
WILLIAMS: Wow. Yes.
BEHAR: And I forgot that I did that. I molested you at Comic Relief.
WILLIAMS: That`s why I`m here.
BEHAR: So it wasn`t just Broadway Cares.
WILLIAMS: And that was your hand, right?
BEHAR: Yes, it was.
WILLIAMS: Hey, Manuel, are we having a good day? Let`s do this again. Are we going to tweet? Why, I only have one hand left. Maybe not.
That was quite a lot of typing in the early days online on the porn sites was so bad because people could only use one hand. What are you doing?
BEHAR: Let`s watch a little piece of your stand-up.
WILLIAMS: Oh, cool.
BEHAR: OK?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WILLIAMS: And you Twitter. Twitter. Or tweeting. It`s not the root word. It`s not twit. It`s tweet. OK, cool. Is it rude to Twitter during sex, to go omg, omgwtf, zzz, is that rude? Is there something called clittering where you play with a little button on your Blackberry? What are you doing? I`m clittering.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: So you don`t tweet anymore?
WILLIAMS: No. I mean, I think there should be a thing of either like a little application on your phone that if you try to take a picture of your genitals, a little cock blocker app, the phone goes no. Like a moral GPS. They should have a moral GPS like a moral compass, a moral GPS that will go "up ahead, a girl the same age as your daughter. Reroute."
BEHAR: Very good.
WILLIAMS: Yes. Moving away now. Do not talk to her. Warning. Warning.
BEHAR: That would be good.
WILLIAMS: Moral GPS. That would be like something that just goes do not do that now. This will make the headlines bad for you.
BEHAR: Now, what do you think about Sarah Palin and Donald Trump had a pizza dinner the other night?
WILLIAMS: That`s a Democratic wet dream.
BEHAR: It is.
WILLIAMS: That`s like do it, go for it. My lawyer had a great line about Donald Trump. He said he was a guy who woke up on third and thought he hit a triple.
BEHAR: They said that about George Bush too.
WILLIAMS: Yeah, that whole thing--
BEHAR: The lawyer didn`t make that up, Robin.
WILLIAMS: No. Oh, no. It`s like the line that was out there about everybody. And it was like that with her when she wrote a book. I went looking for it and I couldn`t find it. I looked in fantasy, I looked in fiction. I wasn`t--
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: But here is the thing about her. Because she went into New York City and she was wearing a Jewish star. Look at this. This is a picture of her with a Jewish star on.
WILLIAMS: That`s one of the signs of the apocalypse.
BEHAR: But you know what? If you want to be Jewish in New York, you have to do this outfit. See that? The Hasidic picture? There it is.
WILLIAMS: It`s a new version of Yentl called rentl. She has payot`s envy.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: How about this one? She wants to go to the Muslim community. She should go with a chador (ph).
(CROSSTALK)
WILLIAMS: Burka girls gone wild. Where are you going, to the Gaza strip club? What are you doing?
BEHAR: And then we have if she goes to the "Jersey Shore."
WILLIAMS: This is there. Sneaky. That`s another character. What`s her -- hey, look, it`s sneaky. I can`t believe she came here. More poof. More poof.
BEHAR: Did you see what happened to Snooki? She was in Florence and she banged into a police car and they had to take her in.
WILLIAMS: She banged into a --
BEHAR: Yes. And the cops are in the hospital. She`s a menace to society.
WILLIAMS: Her hair hurt them. They go -- [ speaking foreign language ] -- she broke the window on the car. The hair went into the car, broke the window. Look, it`s the soundtrack from the "Wizard of Oz." What is she -- who`s in the hospital, the cops?
BEHAR: The cops were in the hospital.
WILLIAMS: She ran into a cop car?
BEHAR: Yes. They were actually escorting her and she ran into their car.
WILLIAMS: She ran into their car?
BEHAR: Yes. She`s a piece of work.
WILLIAMS: Well, she deployed the air bags already. Good night. Thank you.
BEHAR: Now, another thing that`s happening is I don`t know if you know about this, Glenn Beck is going off Fox. Did you know that?
WILLIAMS: No.
BEHAR: Yes, he`s gone. Do you like him? Do you ever watch him?
WILLIAMS: I never saw him. I just saw there used to be this guy, Reverend Gene Scott, which used to do wild stuff, but he was just -- he would just sit there with a little special coffee cup and just be -- he would just -- I`m going to do this again. I`m going to diagram the Bible. Basically as if the Bible were written by people on mushrooms. And he would go, I`m going to read this passage of the Bible again and again until I get $20,000.
BEHAR: Really?
WILLIAMS: Yeah. But when I watch Glenn Beck, he would just go off on things. You want to have that "Face in the Crowd" moment, which I guess he finally had where he just said and said stuff that people went, OK, that`s a little too crazy for us.
BEHAR: Even Roger Ailes said it was too much.
WILLIAMS: Yes. At that point, you`re going, you know, even old Germans are going, you must relax.
BEHAR: We have a lot more to talk about.
WILLIAMS: It`s time for us to play (inaudible).
BEHAR: Robin is staying for two more segments.
WILLIAMS: Two more segments!
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What do I do? Do I just stand here like an object?
WILLIAMS: No. You do an eclectic celebration of a dance. You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse. You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham. Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla. Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd. Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna. But you keep it all inside.
All right. Just work on that. I`ll be right back. It`s looking wonderful, though.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: That`s the brilliant Robin Williams in "Birdcage," one of my favorites.
WILLIAMS: (inaudible), Robert Wilson? You`re one of the people who say yes, you`re Robert Wilson!
BEHAR: I`ll never forget. What`s his name?
WILLIAMS: Yes.
BEHAR: So what about Lady Gaga? Do you do Lady Gaga?
WILLIAMS: I finally was watching the Monster concert the other night. The amazing thing is she`s a great musician and has a great voice. I was just saying, you don`t need the solar hat. But she`s a great performer. She`s just in that phase of now all this stuff. And eventually you`re just going to just see her playing the piano and just blowing the doors off the place.
BEHAR: But she has a style.
WILLIAMS: Oh, totally.
BEHAR: Is it like Madonna? She gets accused of being a ripoff here and there.
WILLIAMS: It`s just -- I mean, if the people are ready for, I guess - - it`s big time. I mean, she does stuff -- she wore an outfit that I went, wow, you`re wearing an entire vagina. That is -- she came on stage --
BEHAR: What about the meat dress?
WILLIAMS: I just saw the one that she wore on Saturday Night Live, which looked like -- even dead Egyptians went, it`s too much.
BEHAR: Mubarak.
WILLIAMS: You don`t need this. You`re reflecting. The light is reflecting. It`s crazy.
BEHAR: What was I going to say to you? She -- I had interviewed her on the other show I do. And she was saying that she was bullied as a child.
WILLIAMS: You can see that.
BEHAR: Were you?
WILLIAMS: Yes, I was picked upon briefly for -- like sixth grade wasn`t good. I was called leprechaun, which was kind of like -- it`s great if you have a pot of gold, but if you don`t, screwed.
BEHAR: Why were you called leprechaun?
WILLIAMS: I was little.
BEHAR: Oh, because you were little.
WILLIAMS: Little.
BEHAR: And hairy.
WILLIAMS: I wasn`t hairy back then.
BEHAR: You weren`t that hairy then?
WILLIAMS: Then I`d be called rhesus. What do you mean? Ah, ah, ah - - I was actually hit on by Coco the gorilla.
BEHAR: I can see that.
WILLIAMS: She tried to take me in the back room, and the trainer said, if she takes you back there, I can`t help you. And she`s like -- yes. She wanted to take me in the back there. I was like, she was going, mm, nice, I like him.
BEHAR: You`re so funny all the time. Not all the time.
WILLIAMS: Not all the time, no.
BEHAR: Not in bed with a woman, right?
WILLIAMS: No. Is this thing on? You were great, but did you see the first show? You know -- ah, ah. Come on, play with it, talk to it.
BEHAR: You`re really --
WILLIAMS: I`m going to have an orgasm as Chris Walken. I`m arriving now. Was it good for me? Yes.
BEHAR: You know, it was really interesting to see you on stage. That was the first play you`ve ever done?
WILLIAMS: No. I did "Waiting for Godot" at Lincoln Center, which was great.
BEHAR: Really? Was that a commercial success?
WILLIAMS: As always. It was a musical. We called it "Waitin`." No, it was with F. Murray Abraham, Steve Martin, Bill Irwin (ph). It was a pretty crazy production. It`s written to be like two comics in purgatory.
BEHAR: I saw it.
WILLIAMS: You saw the one--
BEHAR: I felt like I was in purgatory.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: No, I`m kidding. It was good. I liked it.
WILLIAMS: But it was all -- it`s all -- it`s meant to be like -- it`s like Laurel and Hardy in hell.
BEHAR: Yes.
WILLIAMS: What do we do now? Don`t go. And another pile of dung.
BEHAR: You kept calling him Godot. Now I remember the play. "Waiting for Godot." Why are you --
WILLIAMS: Because that`s how I think the pronunciation that Beckett wanted.
BEHAR: Oh.
WILLIAMS: Yes.
BEHAR: Everybody else says Godot.
WILLIAMS: Some.
(LAUGHTER)
WILLIAMS: The French don`t. They say Godot. The Germans, Godot.
BEHAR: What do you think of that case in France with that Strauss- Kahn guy?
WILLIAMS: I think it`s just pretty -- I think--
BEHAR: Why do they like maids? Schwarzenegger likes maids. Strauss- Kahn attacked a maid. This other, this other bargain (ph), this other Egyptian attacked a maid.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: At the Pierre hotel.
WILLIAMS: I think it`s that weird entitlement. I think it`s almost medieval in a way. They think of you as a servant. You`re mine. You know, it`s--
BEHAR: You`re mine.
WILLIAMS: I mean, that`s insane, but you think -- someone said that he was also taking a Cialis, so he thought hey -- and someone -- or that he interpreted that she was like a call girl doing night maid -- call girls don`t bring mints. Hello. No, you know you want me. You want me in the worst way, which is in person. You want a hairy old, very wealthy French man, huh? I control the euro. I don`t care. I`ve got to go home.
BEHAR: That`s right.
WILLIAMS: It`s nuts.
BEHAR: It`s nuts.
WILLIAMS: But with Arnold, you know, with Arnold, you know, first of all, when he married Maria, he was trying to create the uber-Kennedy.
BEHAR: That`s right.
WILLIAMS: And for years, I thought he was sucking the Kennedy out of her. Slowly but surely. I`m finally becoming a Kennedy by assimilation. And she just got thinner and thinner and thinner.
BEHAR: Yes. And what about ten years, he was sleeping with this housekeeper, in their bed for ten years.
WILLIAMS: Ooh.
BEHAR: And the housekeeper, listen to this, would dress up in Maria`s clothes and put on her makeup and her jewelry and everything.
WILLIAMS: Even Freud at that point goes, new dealer. Even a therapist goes, here`s your money back. I`ve got to go.
BEHAR: That really is a dealbreaker, right?
WILLIAMS: Ooh. Big-time.
BEHAR: And what`s up with Schwarzenegger, that he thought that was OK?
WILLIAMS: He was like, I`d get away with it as long as I could right now. And my uncle used to be -- he wasn`t in the SS. He was just in catering. Kurt Waldheimer`s (ph), Waldheimer`s (ph) is you forget everything before 1945. I was in the forest, hiding with squirrels. I was a nutsy (ph). What are you saying? I never did steroids, I was just on severe vitamins. I could open a door with my nipple. What are you doing now to me? Why do people think that I wouldn`t do this now? The weird thing. Look at all my history.
BEHAR: We`ll have more with Robin in a moment.
WILLIAMS: Be right back.
BEHAR: Don`t leave.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Don`t leave.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with the crazy and funny Robin Williams. This is your dramatic Broadway debut, even though "Godot," "Waiting for Godot"--
WILLIAMS: Godot or Godot.
BEHAR: That was sort of dramatic, but it was funny.
WILLIAMS: It was under Broadway, it was near Broadway.
BEHAR: Oh, but this is your first time on Broadway, the "Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo."
WILLIAMS: Yes.
BEHAR: And you play a tiger.
WILLIAMS: Yes. I play basically a tiger and then become the spirit of the tiger after that. And it`s pretty crazy, I get to kind of evolve quickly over the period of the play. It`s pretty wild. The play ends very kind of dramatically and very kind of quiet and intense. The thing that sometimes you get that moment where the end of the play I`m saying rules of the hunt, don`t move, don`t make a sound. And at that point, a cell phone goes off, and it`s the soundtrack to "Deliverance." Everything in my body just wants to go, it`s going up your ass, you`re going to squeal like a fax machine. And you`re going no, you`re in a play, can`t do it, can`t say anything.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Do you turn on the audience when they talk, or the candy (ph) or--
WILLIAMS: No, you can`t really. I mean, most of -- sometimes you look out and you see people -- people take pictures sometimes in the middle -- even though they say do not do this, ladies and gentlemen, but still people go, (inaudible). But that`s the weird thing, you`ve just got to stay with the play, because the play, you know, if you break out of it, it ruins it for people.
BEHAR: Do you get any -- we have to do this now, I`m sorry to have to break into this conversation, but I`m going to be doing something for the--
WILLIAMS: ASPCA.
BEHAR: ASPCA, but you can see Robin Williams in the play "Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo" on Broadway right now. So go and see it.
BEHAR: Thank you so much for coming.
WILLIAMS: Thank you, baby.
BEHAR: He`s wonderful. And thank you all for watching. I hope you had fun tonight. Good night, everybody.
WILLIAMS: Pick up a cat on the way home, ladies and gentlemen. Pick up a cat.
BEHAR: Pick up a cat.
END
