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Joy Behar Page
Interview with Joan Rivers; Interview with Larry David
Aired December 29, 2011 - 22:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
JOY BEHAR, HOST: Joan Rivers is one of the reasons I got into stand-up comedy. She taught me I could get paid to trash the people I love. It`s truly a pleasure to have her here.
Joan, welcome.
RIVERS: I love being here with you.
BEHAR: Yes. Well you know I sometimes --
RIVERS: Your own show.
BEHAR: On my own show.
RIVERS: You can ask any question you want.
BEHAR: Don`t you think they`re all happy for me at "The View"?
RIVERS: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yes.
You`re talking to me. And it`s nice you can ask more than one question a segment.
BEHAR: I know, without getting interrupted.
Well, you know what? We called you the legendary Joan Rivers before. And I was thinking to myself, "My God, this woman has been through so much in her career and now she`s the legend."
RIVERS: I know, it`s so stupid.
BEHAR: Don`t you feel good about it finally?
RIVERS: No, because that means that you`re over.
BEHAR: 150 years old.
RIVERS: Yes, you know what I`m saying.
BEHAR: But you`re not over. You have a new gig.
RIVERS: I know. But it`s like when people walk on an award show and the audience stands; that means they heard from their doctors. You know what I mean. What have you heard?
BEHAR: Are you accepting the fact that you`re aging gracefully?
RIVERS: No.
BEHAR: You`re not?
RIVERS: I hate age.
BEHAR: You do.
RIVERS: It sucks.
BEHAR: But you said this 20 years ago.
RIVERS: I hated it then, 20 years ago. I was already 50-something.
BEHAR: So what happens when people say, "What`s the alternative?"
RIVERS: Well, I wouldn`t mind being dead now.
BEHAR: You wouldn`t?
RIVERS: No.
BEHAR: Being dead is ok.
RIVERS: I`ve seen everything I really want -- the only place I still want to go is see is like New Jersey.
BEHAR: You haven`t seen New Jersey yet?
RIVERS: Not the way I think I should.
BEHAR: But you know it`s interesting, like Ted Koppel, I heard a rumor that he`s going to sit in for George Stephanopolous.
RIVERS: Coming back around.
BEHAR: Bob Eubanks, remember Bob Eubanks?
RIVERS: I dated him.
BEHAR: You dated him?
RIVERS: He`s hot.
BEHAR: Seriously?
RIVERS: The only good thing about age is you look at these men and you`re like he`s really very attractive. If they`d just change his diaper, he`d be really, really attractive.
BEHAR: But he`s like 73, he`s going to be hosting "The Newlywed Game". And then there`s us, there`s me and you. There`s Diane Sawyer who`s in her 60s, she just got a gig.
RIVERS: But it`s different now. I don`t know what it is. I wake up in the morning and I`m 76 years old and I go that`s just stupid, so I ignore it.
I have a new reality show with Melissa. My concert -- we have a show in London, I do everything, the jewelry is going. So to me it means nothing.
BEHAR: You`re on all cylinders.
RIVERS: Going like a crazy lady.
BEHAR: Where do you get this energy? Is it anxiety?
RIVERS: I love -- don`t you love the -- I love the business.
BEHAR: I do love the business. I love to work. That`s why I have two shows.
RIVERS: People say what`s your hobby? My hobby is coming in, having your hair and makeup done for free and then laughing with a friend and getting a check. Oh, that`s really sad, she works so hard.
BEHAR: I know it is tough.
Now let`s talk about the plastic surgery for a minute because --
RIVERS: Why me?
BEHAR: -- I was wondering. I don`t know, it just came to me. But I mean did you go into plastic -- get the plastic surgery to meet doctors? That`s all I wanted to know.
RIVERS: But a brilliant concept.
BEHAR: It`s a good concept.
RIVERS: I would think you were Jewish to think like that. That`s a good concept.
Yes, I went in, I was on the Carson show and I had bags. This is how long ago it was. Melissa was a baby. Someone said you should get the bags. I was in my 30s. And I said, ok.
BEHAR: Who said that though, how rude.
RIVERS: But how smart. I did them and they were great. Then I thought, do a little bit a (INAUDIBLE).
BEHAR: Tweak.
RIVERS: Tweak. And that`s what I`ve been doing all these years. I think it`s fabulous.
BEHAR: Well, this Heidi Montague, this kid --
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: Twenty-three-years old, she had ten surgeries in one day. That`s over the top, isn`t it?
RIVERS: Oh, bet you.
Only one anesthetic, you understand; only one anesthesiologist bill.
BEHAR: That was her point.
RIVERS: Her doctor was clean anyhow.
BEHAR: I mean they sucked, they tucked, they did everything and of course $30,000, according to "People" magazine.
RIVERS: I want to know that doctor.
BEHAR: Yes, not that much for all those --
RIVERS: For ten procedures? Oh, my gosh.
BEHAR: But you wouldn`t have done something like that at 23.
RIVERS: No, because my mother was nasty. No, I would have done it at 11.
BEHAR: What if Melissa came to you at 21 and said I have to have all of this done in one day. What would you do?
RIVERS: Let`s go.
BEHAR: No, you wouldn`t.
RIVERS: No, but truly, truly, plastic surgery is about making you feel good about yourself. And if I had a really homely daughter and she wanted to do something, absolutely do it. You go through life once, Joy.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: Go and look the way you look.
BEHAR: Yes. Well, that`s true.
RIVERS: Do what you want to do.
BEHAR: Yes. I`m afraid of it. It`s scary to me.
RIVERS: You`re wrong. You`re wrong. When it`s time, you`ll talk to me.
BEHAR: No, it`s over time at this point. I still haven`t done it.
RIVERS: It`s again -- then you feel very confident about yourself. I was never the pretty girl, I was never the cheerleader. I was never the one they flocked to.
BEHAR: But you were funny.
RIVERS: They laugh and then they go home with the other girl.
BEHAR: Oh, you had plenty of men in your life. Who are you dating now? Do you have a boyfriend now?
RIVERS: Well, I had one that died.
BEHAR: Oh, yes.
RIVERS: In a restaurant.
BEHAR: No. Really? Seriously.
RIVERS: So we may have a lawsuit. Wouldn`t that be great if you (INAUDIBLE) around then.
BEHAR: What do you mean, he died in -- really?
RIVERS: It wasn`t a boyfriend but it was like a date. And we were on a date and this man dropped dead in the restaurant.
BEHAR: Of all your luck, why you did it have to happen to?
RIVERS: Because I had to pay the bill. I was so --
BEHAR: No, that`s a true story?
RIVERS: True story. True story. It`s horrible. You think he`s being quiet. And you realize --
BEHAR: You`re praying.
RIVERS: You`re very quiet.
BEHAR: In your life have you preferred -- I like men who are a little younger than me. I like them younger, I don`t like them old. What about you?
RIVERS: That`s interesting. You really -- I truly -- no, I like an older man.
BEHAR: Yes, why?
RIVERS: At this point.
BEHAR: It doesn`t matter.
RIVERS: They`re dead at this point. Because my mother -- my mother was very smart; she always said, "You should be the good-looking one. He should worry about you, you shouldn`t worry about him."
BEHAR: So the younger one you have to worry about.
RIVERS: Poor Demi -- excuse me -- Demi. Have you ever interviewed her?
BEHAR: No.
RIVERS: She corrects you.
BEHAR: Seriously?
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: That`s her real name?
RIVERS: It`s Demi. Demi -- I`m sorry if it was demi --
BEHAR: Well, she`s married to Ashton.
RIVERS: Exactly. And she`s a bi-itch.
BEHAR: Ok.
RIVERS: Younger men -- and Cher likes younger men.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: She had that pizza guy who was very young, much younger than her. Melissa my daughter --
BEHAR: Judy used to have a song that Cher should sing. "If I could turn back time I would date a fetus." I always thought it was pretty funny.
RIVERS: (INAUDIBLE) is so funny.
BEHAR: Yes, I don`t know. Whatever. I can`t think about that now.
RIVERS: You`re very warm.
BEHAR: What was she going to do for me?
RIVERS: She loved you so much.
BEHAR: Yes, I know. It`s so sad.
So at this point in your life, what if the right guy came along and wanted to get married, would you marry him?
RIVERS: Get married, never.
BEHAR: Never again?
RIVERS: Never. I lived with a man for nine years, Orin Lehman, and just never -- once he said let`s get married and I called my accountant and he said are you out of your mind? You don`t mix this, you don`t mix that.
BEHAR: The guy you`re talking about had quite a bit of cash, didn`t he?
RIVERS: Yes, yes.
BEHAR: So it would have been to your benefit?
RIVERS: Not if it`s -- it`s just too much problems, the family would have gotten involved. Why?
BEHAR: I know, I don`t see the point except -- well, I don`t know.
RIVERS: Well, I have three eggs left.
BEHAR: You do really?
RIVERS: Yes. They are in the refrigerator.
BEHAR: Wow.
Now, so there`s a -- they want me to ask you this about death for some reason.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: Someone said you have -- you like to talk about dying and death. Why?
RIVERS: I don`t like to talk -- I walk into a restaurant and I say anybody here want to discuss dying and death because I`ve got ten minutes.
BEHAR: I mean do your friends talk about it?
RIVERS: Yes. You reach a certain age and I think about it because every time I pick up "The New York Times or the "Wall Street Journal" I read the obituaries, it`s contemporaries. I went to my class reunion and there were women dancing with urns. That`s when you know it`s all around us. It`s all around us.
BEHAR: You know that question they say, "How would you like to die?" I don`t know what to answer. In my sleep, of course.
RIVERS: In your sleep. How would you like to die? Very rich.
BEHAR: Very rich, sure.
RIVERS: Very rich, very healthy, in the arms of George Clooney. But I do --
BEHAR: Have you left Melissa instructions?
RIVERS: Yes. Don`t resuscitate.
BEHAR: Don`t resuscitate.
RIVERS: You know what it says in my will, I made them put it in. My lawyer got so angry. If they resuscitate me, they`re only allowed to do it if I can still get up and do an hour stand-up. Do not bring me back if I`m going to sit there and say "I used to be Joan" -- I don`t want that. Unless I can literally stand up and do stand up on stage, don`t bring me back, I don`t want to be around.
BEHAR: Right. Like Dick Shawnee dropped dead in the middle of his set.
RIVERS: How lucky.
BEHAR: That was good. He was 35 years old, but still.
RIVERS: But also, do you know in Vegas, it`s in your act, they only pay you for the show if you do an hour.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: You have to do 31 minutes. So I said to my assistant if I look like I`m dead on the stool, just say she`s thinking until its 31 minutes and then say, "She may be in trouble."
BEHAR: Ok, Joan, sit tight. We`ve got lots more to talk about. Stick around.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
RIVERS: You want brutal honesty? You think you can handle the truth?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Gwyneth Paltrow.
RIVERS: I love that straight hair, but then I just love to see anything straight in Hollywood.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Kim Cattrall.
RIVERS: That is a communion dress for sluts.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Haley Joel Osment.
RIVERS: He looked at me and he said, "I see dead people." This might be hard to believe but I can be a real bitch.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: She`s genuinely, genuinely funny. I`m back with Joan Rivers who returns to E! on Monday with "Fashion Police", the post game show for who wore what --
RIVERS: That`s right.
BEHAR: -- who wore what to the Golden Globes.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: Who wore what?
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: What are you wearing? You`re always asking them that.
RIVERS: I was the one that first -- they said and we got taken to task because "The New York Times" that first said -- and when we first went on and I did that asked him questions -- "The New York Times" said, "You can`t ask that question, it`s very shallow."
And then somebody else came on and said she`s asking a stupid question. Meanwhile now everybody now says, "Who are you wearing." And that`s all people really care about.
BEHAR: Well, in that particular venue, yes.
RIVERS: And that`s to say, you want to see who you`re wearing and what`s the jewelry like, who is drunk, who is sober, who is high? That`s the fun of the fashion.
BEHAR: Now, didn`t the show sort of excess (ph) you at one point and now you`re back to feel vindicated.
RIVERS: No, we left.
BEHAR: You left.
RIVERS: We left E! --
BEHAR: Oh I see.
RIVERS: Yes, we left to go to TV Guide --
BEHAR: Right.
RIVERS: -- and to start their channel. I like to start channels.
BEHAR: Oh I see.
RIVERS: It`s a kind of hobby. I started E! I started Fox. So, they called me up from E! And they said would you like to do the "Fashion Police". I said I would love to. Because we talked about -- I don`t just stand there and say --
BEHAR: Yes, now that`s funny.
RIVERS: -- we`ve got a lucky charm.
BEHAR: A communion dress for sluts is that funny.
RIVERS: That`s brilliant.
BEHAR: I love that.
RIVERS: And so -- so we`ll be -- I`ll be going, it`s 10:00 Eastern Standard time Monday nights on E! to talk about everybody that was on the day before.
BEHAR: All right, and let`s just do like a little bit of hot topics. What did you think of the fallout of the Harry Reid story? Let`s just talk about that.
RIVERS: I found that ridiculous.
BEHAR: Why?
RIVERS: Why? Why? Because politics are politics. Yes, of course, because Obama looked not black, because Obama sounded educated. Of course you would say he`d be a great president.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: And -- I have yet to see a Jew -- they say he`s very smart, we`ll use him. That`s why Lieberman wasn`t wearing a black hat with bases. It`s politics.
BEHAR: Yes, I see. Well, his intention, I think, Harry Reid`s intention --
RIVERS: He`s very smart.
BEHAR: Was that -- he`s not going to win unless he has certain characteristics but the way he`s phrased it was sort of dumb.
RIVERS: Oh, yes, but Joy --
BEHAR: You know what? He`s not pro choice and not pro gay marriage, Harry Reid, so screw him.
RIVERS: Yes, but he was smart enough to say we can take a black man who`s smart and yes, he can win.
BEHAR: Yes, that does -- yes, he`s a politician.
RIVERS: Everybody shut up. We have a wonderful president. Who cares if he`s black, white, pink or green? And he`s terrific.
BEHAR: He is terrific. I like him a lot.
RIVERS: So shut up.
BEHAR: I like him a lot.
RIVERS: Yes and Harry Reid, good thing for saying, "Try him."
BEHAR: Yes, ok. Now Ellen, how about Ellen, she`s the queen of "American Idol".
RIVERS: Try him again.
BEHAR: Same thing. How do you think she`s going to do? I watched it last night a little bit.
RIVERS: Can she be mean enough?
BEHAR: She`s not mean.
RIVERS: She`s not mean. She`s darling.
BEHAR: You need Simon, you need a mean person.
RIVERS: You need a meanie.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: And she --
BEHAR: Maybe you.
RIVERS: I can`t do the final -- you know. Also you feel so sorry for them.
BEHAR: Not that you`re mean, but you would tell the truth.
RIVERS: Yes, but what`s her name, the singer, that the one in England.
BEHAR: Oh, Susan Boyle.
RIVERS: Susan Boyle --
BEHAR: Oh, yes.
RIVERS: -- like they gave her a makeover and she is going a make over and over and over and over and over.
BEHAR: But the thing with her is she only sings one song. That`s it.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: Well, she doesn`t know any other song, the girl.
RIVERS: Did you ever see a picture of a cat that`s going like this?
BEHAR: Another hot topic, have you ever considered dating Tiger Woods?
RIVERS: Considered? And may I say and then --
BEHAR: He had a good stroke?
RIVERS: He had a good stroke but not -- he was very needy.
RIVERS: He was very needy.
BEHAR: Ok now, what about with Melissa? Let`s talk about Melissa.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: How is everything going with her?
RIVERS: God bless her.
BEHAR: Mother and daughter are getting along.
RIVERS: Great, well you have a daughter.
BEHAR: I do too, yes.
RIVERS: Everything --
BEHAR: I`m not allowed to speak about her, though, unless it`s completely flattering.
RIVERS: And -- of course.
BEHAR: Yes, yes. There`s no -- and she doesn`t like any negativity from me.
RIVERS: And it shouldn`t be.
BEHAR: No.
RIVERS: They`re not in the business. With Melissa, I -- if I say anything negative anywhere to her, they get very --
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: -- what do you mean by that. I just thought I liked your hair better the other way. What, you don`t like it. You have to be so careful with the daughter.
BEHAR: Never say anything about the hair.
RIVERS: And I`m very bad because I stay at her house in California. And it`s terrible. Before the door closes I say why is the lamp over there? Doesn`t this look better over here? And she goes I`m going to kill myself.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: So -- but she`s fabulous.
BEHAR: Well, because when you`re young, you`re very touchy about anything that the grownups say to you.
RIVERS: Well, first of all, when they`re young, it`s hard for us to - - remember, it`s a dictatorship.
BEHAR: Yes, that`s true.
RIVERS: When you`re a mother --
BEHAR: Childhood is a nightmare, isn`t it?
RIVERS: It`s a nightmare.
BEHAR: It`s a nightmare.
RIVERS: And someone is saying, my poor grandson says to me can I have another piece of candy. You know, then you realize that he`s eight and half -- nine years old. Yes, of course. Thanks, grandma. Wait until he`s 19. It`s going to be --
BEHAR: You won`t have any teeth.
RIVERS: I`m eating anything I want. You shut up. So with Melissa, we get along.
BEHAR: How do you feel about these women who have like eight children, seven children --
BEHAR: I think they should stay home and take care of them.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: What`s that stupid ass`s name --
BEHAR: Which one, there`s so many.
RIVERS: The one with the eight?
BEHAR: The octo-mom?
RIVERS: The -- Kate?
BEHAR: Oh, Kate Gosselin.
RIVERS: Oh, you have children, stay home. Never mind the extensions and the tummy tuck and on the road. You`ve got eight children that came out of your big womb, I think oh --
BEHAR: It`s big --
RIVERS: -- can you imagine the echo when she goes to the bathroom?
BEHAR: Oh, my God. Oh my God, her uterus must need a concierge.
RIVERS: She must use a roll of toilet paper for tinkle. Stay home and take care of them.
BEHAR: From her point of view -- I`ll play her part for a second.
RIVERS: Yes.
BEHAR: She would say -- I think she would say I have to make a living to support these because the husband is an A-hole.
RIVERS: Yes, and she`s not. I think that -- I think and she said in "People" magazine they need major psychiatric help. Do you believe that?
BEHAR: No, duh.
RIVERS: So I suggest you stay home. Let them learn that you`re mommy. I find this outrageous that people have these kind of children --
BEHAR: How did she --
RIVERS: -- and use them as a career move.
BEHAR: Did you stay home when you were on the road when Melissa was growing up?
RIVERS: No, I tried to have eight children. So I like -- doubled my career.
BEHAR: You were away weren`t you?
RIVERS: I drove through the night to be with her. As I`m sure you -- I did things -- to this day I take my book, and I`m not a wonderful parent, but I take my book and I go, "That`s it. That`s grandma week. That`s my week with Melissa. Don`t even come to me and tell me there`s a -- no, your family first."
BEHAR: That`s right.
RIVERS: Do you know and we`re getting serious here and we shouldn`t. But we had dinners in California at 6:00, the phone stopped and my husband and I sat down and ate every night with Melissa, every night. If we had a dinner date, we went out after dinner.
BEHAR: That`s nice. I would never want to have dinner with my parents.
We`ll be back with more Joan Rivers in just a minute. I dreaded it. It was like no.
RIVERS: Well, that`s too bad.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Welcome back.
Joan Rivers is here and like a proper guest should, she brought us jewelry.
RIVERS: I brought you my Joan Rivers QVC jewelry.
BEHAR: And I`m wearing it -- it`s very nice.
RIVERS: Amazing. Twenty years in the business. I just got honored as Vendor of the Year last night.
BEHAR: Vendor of the Year. Look at this.
RIVERS: Very big for QVC; big event down there.
BEHAR: Now, this I find it very pretty. It`s maroon, it`s lovely. How much is this, do you know?
RIVERS: It`s about $55, $45. It`s a fabulous bracelet.
BEHAR: You would pay much more at Bergdorf for that.
RIVERS: Right. Try to go to Barney`s.
BEHAR: Yes.
RIVERS: The watch is gorgeous.
BEHAR: The watch is nice, too.
RIVERS: The watch is beautiful. Everything I wear, if it`s not real, then it`s obviously mine. I`m not stupid.
BEHAR: You don`t sell real.
RIVERS: No. That`s why people say is that your jewelry. No, I design it and I don`t wear it. Of course I wear it.
BEHAR: Of course, you wear it. You`re no dummy.
Let`s look at the Facebook/Twitter questions that we have.
RIVERS: Yes. I love Twitter.
BEHAR: This one is right. "Is it true that you played the lesbian opposite Barbra Streisand in the `50s?
RIVERS: Yes. Not in the `50s. It was 1966. Poor Barbra, she`ll kill herself.
BEHAR: I know. That`s a little early.
RIVERS: Yes, the first show that we both were in, this show called "Driftwood" and they couldn`t get a male -- because he read the script -- they couldn`t get a man to do it so I said make them lesbians. And so I played --
BEHAR: You would -- the two of you were so ahead of your time.
RIVERS: Yes. And we still see each other and we laugh because she was then Barbara with all the A`s. And I was Joan Malinski. She always says, "Hello Joan Malinski" and I say "Hello Barbara" with all the A`s. We go back forever together.
BEHAR: She`s something.
RIVERS: She`s great. We go to town.
BEHAR: Ok. Joan, if you were to have a late show today, who would be your first guest?
RIVERS: Joy.
BEHAR: Ok, fine.
RIVERS: I`m going to screw myself. Yes, I`m going to say not Joy. You know, I`d love to have on -- who would I love to have on?
BEHAR: How about the royal family? They never appear in anything.
RIVERS: They never appear and they would never tell you the truth on camera. I like people to tell you the truth.
BEHAR: Have you met Camilla?
RIVERS: Yes. She`s fabulous.
BEHAR: Is she fun?
RIVERS: So much fun.
BEHAR: It`s interesting how he went for the ugly one instead of the pretty one.
RIVERS: But she`s got a great sexuality.
BEHAR: Does she, really?
RIVERS: I`ve known them for like 15 years now. She`s great. She`s just great.
BEHAR: But the Brits are like that, even his Uncle Edward who abdicated, his wife was no beauty. She must have done something really good.
RIVERS: And Camilla, you just look at her and you know she`s just fun and sexy --
BEHAR: And he liked that. The other one, he didn`t like the other one.
RIVERS: She`s adorable.
BEHAR: The other one was too depressed for him.
RIVERS: She was always throwing up, she smelled of vomit.
BEHAR: Diana.
RIVERS: Diana, you`re vomiting all the time. Just get your finger away from me.
BEHAR: What do you like to watch on TV they want to know.
RIVERS: Ok, I watch -- I watch Turner Classic Movies. I love old movies.
BEHAR: I do too. Oh, yes.
RIVERS: Also that comfort. You can fall asleep, you can wake up. You know just where you are.
BEHAR: That`s true. I keep Casablanca on there all the time in tape and Bette Davis movies.
RIVERS: There you go. Bette Davis, there was a star.
BEHAR: You know what we are? We`re like a gay man`s wet dream. Listen to the two of us.
RIVERS: That and I also like Law & Order because I love to watch the sexy detective women, "Yes, that`s sperm." I love it.
BEHAR: Law & Order is coming back to 10:00 twice a week after they moved Jay Leno back.
RIVERS: Yes. But I miss Jerry Orbach. I like the old "Law & Order".
BEHAR: I miss Jerry Orbach, too. He was the best.
But you are the best. I`ve got to go.
RIVERS: Oh I love you so.
BEHAR: I love you too.
RIVERS: I`ll be back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Ok. I love this guy. He`s a captain of the TV industry. He produced and co-created a little megahit called Seinfeld and then created a starring vehicle for him. Let`s take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP, "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM")
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Joining me from HBO`s "Curb Your Enthusiasm." My pal, Larry David, welcome to the show, Larry.
LARRY DAVID, PRODUCER AND CO CREATOR OF SEINFELD: Thank you.
BEHAR: Does it feel like old times being here with me?
DAVID: In the sense that we work together?
BEHAR: Yes. In 19 --
DAVID: I don`t think I have sat across from a desk from you.
BEHAR: No but you`ve sat across a table because in 1987 when I was doing a some show called Wales Broadway for Lifetime, remember that?
DAVID: Of course, yes.
BEHAR: You were writing for me on the show. You use to come over to my apartment with really a stack of notes and concepts. Your mind is always filled with ideas. And then we would work out the stuff. We would then order in and the show would pay for it. You would get so excited. You`re going to put up the check? They`re going to pay for it?
DAVID: You take anything. I have some stuff that I give away, people in the office and nobody -- you can mention like a record from 1972, yeah, I`ll take it. Anything that`s for free, people will take. They don`t discriminate.
BEHAR: No matter how much they have. They still want it.
DAVID: They`ll want it! Yes. It`s the best way to get rid of your garbage, really.
The laughter you hear is the staff. They hang around here. We have Hank Galo and Frank Centropadrik. I call them the explorers.
DAVID: Hank Galo is here?
BEHAR: Yeah. He`s here. That`s who is laughing. Galo and Centropadrik we call them the explorers. Don`t they sound like De Gama and Magellan?
DAVID: Yes, yes.
BEHAR: Ok, so let`s talk about stand up.
DAVID: You know I love explorers.
BEHAR: I know you do, well who is your favorite explorer?
DAVID: Well Magellan was good.
BEHAR: I always liked Magellan.
DAVID: Yes, come on -- he circumnavigated.
BEHAR: Yes, it`s a pretty big deal.
DAVID: That was a big thing.
BEHAR: I mean it`s better than just -
DAVID: The others, they just went - went to South America. This guy said I`m going all the way.
BEHAR: I like that.
DAVID: All the way, baby.
BEHAR: All right.
DAVID: We used to do a thing on Pons De Leon.
BEHAR: Yeah.
DAVID: He went looking for the fountain of youth, Pons De Leon.
BEHAR: Right, I remember. DAVID: He got chips for that. He went to the Queen Isabella BEHAR: Yes.
DAVID: And said I want to go look for the fountain of youth, can I get a couple ships?
BEHAR: And she said sure.
DAVID: And she said, yes, put this guy in charge of an expedition. He wants to go look for the fountain of youth. Go. Go look for it, maybe it`s there. Who knows?
BEHAR: So Queen Isabella not that bright?
DAVID: No, I guess not.
BEHAR: I want to show a little clip of you doing stand-up.
DAVID: No. Come on. Seriously. Really? You didn`t run this by me.
BEHAR: Come on let`s just show it.
DAVID: By the way, it`s freezing here.
BEHAR: I know its freezing.
DAVID: That`s why I`m wearing this thing. That`s why my collar is up.
BEHAR: I have been in menopause for 13 years.
DAVID: What is this clip?
BEHAR: Let`s see it.
DAVID: No, let`s not see it.
BEHAR: Come on -
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DAVID: Chuck Scarborough, who is the -- he`s like the anchor man, siding guy. He`s the kind of guy you like to play tennis with. Because he`s like such a nice guy. You know, you could cheat the pants off him. It`s no good, Chuck. Forget it, it`s out. He`s not going to argue with you this guy.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
DAVID: What was that -- I didn`t hear what I said?
BEHAR: Doesn`t matter, doesn`t matter what you said. I can`t believe they dug that up.
DAVID: What the hell was that?
BEHAR: That`s you, I guess.
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: You look better now. You`re so cute now.
DAVID: That young Larry resents that. Yeah. Last night, somebody came up to me and said, my god, you look so much better in person than on TV. I said what is that? Is that supposed to be a complement? I look like a dog on TV? I don`t get that.
BEHAR: They fix you up for television, so you should look better.
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: I remember you from the old days of "Catch." a rising star. And you were what you call a temperamental comic.
DAVID: Yes, temperamental.
BEHAR: You would get on - do comics always love to come into the room and say Larry is getting up. Everybody would look at the watches and see how long you would last.
DAVID: They didn`t know if I was going to have a breakdown on stage. Yes, you didn`t know what was going to happen.
BEHAR: What would happen if you didn`t get the first laugh, say?
DAVID: I didn`t -- I don`t like adverse -- I don`t react well to adversity. I`m a baby, you know. Really, almost the way John McEnroe used to be when he played tennis if a call went against him. If a person -- I could be doing great. If I saw one person talking, I`d go hey, hey, you. Oh, look, you don`t like this? It`s not good? You want to talk? I can`t do this. I`m getting out of here.
BEHAR: So that stops your act?
DAVID: One time, I have done this before. I`m on stage and I looked at the audience and I`m like, I don`t think so.
BEHAR: Just the way they looked.
DAVID: Just the way they looked. And I left. Yes.
BEHAR: I know. We always thought you were brilliant. You had funny bits and used to talk about how, you know, we were talking about before. Come on.
DAVID: The other thing. If Magellan gave me a complement, I still would have been his friend -- that sort of thing.
BEHAR: If Magellan was here now and he said Larry, you looked handsome.
DAVID: Oh really, oh. I`ll talk to Magellan. My god, that`s so sweet of you. Thank you very much. Really, I`m blown away. I Really, I am.
BEHAR: Here is the Larry David thing. You get annoyed with the audience. It`s a catch 22. How do you breakthrough that.
DAVID: They are your lover. If the lover rejects you, you yell at them.
BEHAR: I always saw that person who was never laughing as my father. Held never laugh. I`d be scared and never want to go on anymore. Maybe there`s a mother issue there.
DAVID: No, not mother, I saw the audience as a woman. Not my mother.
BEHAR: Not your mother?
DAVID: No, no. Please.
BEHAR: Like a girlfriend?
DAVID: No, someone I want to become my girlfriend. Someone I`m flirting with who I`m going after.
BEHAR: I see. If we take you now, you are hugely successful now, everybody knows you. You have enormous fans. Women are flocking to you now.
DAVID: Now, I treat them like my ex-wife.
BEHAR: There`s no winning with you.
DAVID: What were you going to say? I interrupted you?
BEHAR: That`s fine, you were going well. You didn`t have money those days.
DAVID: No.
BEHAR: you didn`t have cab fare. You were living in the dungeon for actors, Manhattan Plaza. Now, you have money. You are successful. You mad a lot of money on "Seinfeld." I`m not talking my kind of money. Your money. Big money.
DAVID: Let`s not forget, I got divorced.
BEHAR: I know. California, she took half, didn`t she?
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: That`s outrageous. You are the one who is funny and made all the money. Why does she get half? You must have got hit with the economy.
DAVID: I really don`t have anything near --
BEHAR: It`s still good.
DAVID: I`m not complaining.
BEHAR: No, don`t complain about it. Michael Moore was on --
DAVID: Now, somebody asks me and I have to ask my kids because it`s their money.
BEHAR: Yes. Yes.
DAVID: Because it`s their money.
BEHAR: Michael Moore was on "The View" with me. He really hates capitalists. Don`t you feel like he hates you now? You are a capitalist with tons of money.
DAVID: Yes, he has tons of money, but he has compassion.
BEHAR: Oh he has compassion. Why doesn`t he give some of his money away then if he has so much compassion?
DAVID: You don`t know how much he gives away. He could be giving away that money to charity --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: You think so?
DAVID: Yes, I do.
BEHAR: All right.
DAVID: Don`t (UNINTELLIGIBLE) Michael Moore to me, baby.
BEHAR: I`m sorry; I didn`t know you were so attached to Michael Moore.
DAVID: I think Michael Moore is a hero.
BEHAR: He is he`s very good. We love him but I`m just saying.
DAVID: I love him.
BEHAR: Yes, all right, we`re going to be back with more of Larry David. So don`t go away.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: We are back with the treat Larry David in the new season of "Curb." you have arrange for a "Seinfeld" reunion.
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: All right let`s take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
Why would we do something like this? I remember you talking about whenever a sitcom does a reunion episode aren`t it pathetic. Either pathetic desperate.
Desperate?
When we would watch other shows did reunion shows, you would look and make that face; you know that judgmental face of yours.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Who did you call first? Did you call Jerry first?
DAVID: Jerry.
BEHAR: Then who?
DAVID: People ask that question. I`m not telling.
BEHAR: Why did you decide to do it, now? The reunion?
DAVID: I had the idea a few years ago. But then, hurricane Katrina came along and I thought of the idea about taking in the blacks, which became the ark for that season.
BEHAR: Yes.
DAVID: That seemed topical to coincide with Katrina. You know I needed to exploit that tragedy any way I could.
BEHAR: As only you could.
DAVID: So, then I did that. I still had the idea and I thought this season, maybe we could do this. But was a very ambitious thing to undertake, really.
BEHAR: To get them all together.
DAVID: To get them all together and then to get all the schedules down and the sets and write the shows. What the show is going to be. It`s one thing to say you want to do a reunion, but what`s it about?
BEHAR: You are always thinking about those shows aren`t you? Always thinking about the plots.
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: And everybody loves to work on those -- on Curb because. They don`t have a script. They improvise and they make it up as they go along within your parameters.
DAVID: Right.
BEHAR: But you haven`t exactly asked me to be on I noticed over the years. I`m just saying.
DAVID: I haven`t exactly or I haven`t asked?
BEHAR: You haven`t asked. Now, one of my spies told me that --
DAVID: Well we have Susie Penal I thought that -
BEHAR: Yes, yes, we are the same person -
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Yes, but one of my spies told me that Michael Richards is in one of the things. Something about him. I don`t know what it is. Because the information is not out. Could it be that the hysterical craziness saying the "n" word. Is the episode going to be about that?
DAVID: Well first of all he`s not on just one episode.
BEHAR: But one of the episodes?
DAVID: We will touch upon it, yes.
BEHAR: OK. The other thing is, another thing that interested me, NBC thought the first draft of Seinfeld was too Jewish. Is that true?
DAVID: That was one of the notes, yes.
BEHAR: Too Jewish? Who was saying that? Jewish people were saying that, right?
DAVID: That`s usually the way it is. In this case, I think it was -- well he`s no longer with us. It might have been Brendon Cornucopia who said that. I`m not sure.
BEHAR: Would you consider those what they call self-hating Jews? Those people who would say it`s too Jewish?
DAVID: No, I think those are probably people who are concerned about their jobs and maybe they think the show has to be completely generic.
BEHAR: Meaning Gentile -- more Gentile than Jewish that Middle America would relate to rather than New York and L.A.
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: But that`s not true. Look at what a tremendous hit it is.
DAVID: Well yes it was -
BEHAR: So what went wrong?
(CROSSTALK)
DAVID: It wasn`t too Jewish.
BEHAR: It was Jewish but it was hilarious.
DAVID: But - wait a second, you`re saying it was very Jewish. Maybe the characters behaved what perceive to be a Jewish way. But --
BEHAR: Yes.
DAVID: That doesn`t mean that it didn`t appeal to everyone.
BEHAR: Right, exactly. Particular to the universal. Just like Mel Brooks appeals to everyone and Woody Allen.
DAVID: Right.
BEHAR: But I mean it`s interesting they would reject it out of hand because they thought it was too New York.
DAVID: They might as well say, if you`re Jewish, don`t send in a script.
BEHAR: Exactly.
DAVID: Because we don`t want to read it and we don`t want you on the shows, either. So go to Israel if you want to act or write.
BEHAR: Go to a sitcom --
DAVID: go do a sitcom in Tealeaves. It`s no good here.
BEHAR: It`s kind of creepy.
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: Now, let`s talk a little -- is there anything else you want to tell me about "Curb."
DAVID: No. I have no secrets.
BEHAR: Any little things that are going to happen. I mean you`re single on the show and the Curb Larry is single and the real Larry is single.
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: So we are seeing parallels right in the script. So are you meeting other women?
DAVID: I have a couple dates.
BEHAR: In reality or on the show?
DAVID: Hopefully, I will have a couple of dates in reality I will have a date. I have been divorced two years, maybe one I will have a date. But on the show, I have two episodes, two dating episodes.
BEHAR: Two dating episodes - so are you dating anyone in real life?
DAVID: Presently, no.
BEHAR: No?
DAVID: No.
BEHAR: You are loose? Oh wow, I`m putting that out right now for all you women.
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: OK Woody Allen -
DAVID: I`m loose and promiscuous.
BEHAR: My kind of guy. Well you came to the right place --
DAVID: I run the gamete.
BEHAR: New York is filled with women who are like that. You think they are more slutty in L.A. or in New York.
DAVID: I was part of the free love hippy thing. The free love and all that -
BEHAR: Yes.
DAVID: And I kept going, where is it?
BEHAR: I know.
DAVID: You know, I don`t see anything.
BEHAR: I missed it, too. The whole sexual revolution.
DAVID: Yes, right.
BEHAR: So resentful.
DAVID: Just passed me by.
BEHAR: I know, we`ll make up for it now.
DAVID: You know why because I couldn`t hang and listen to music. You know? You know? I just wasn`t that guy.
BEHAR: I was home with a kid nursing children and taking care of dependent husbands.
DAVID: I was like, so, what do you like to do?
BEHAR: Conversations.
DAVID: You like baseball?
BEHAR: You used to be shy with women. I remember.
DAVID: I still am.
BEHAR: You are still shy with women.
DAVID: You don`t lose that quality. If you are shy, you are shy. I`m still shy.
BEHAR: Do you think all comedians are like that? We are insecure and shy.
DAVID: Not all. No. A lot of them get right up on stage and hey, you want to go on now. Hey, hello, everybody on stage. Do you want to get up on stage? Yeah.
BEHAR: How do they get that? Where did that come from?
DAVID: I don`t know. I`m so envious.
BEHAR: When I come back, I want to talk a little bit about your past. Larry and I will be back, stick around.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
You want to know what else is unacceptable. It is totally and completely unacceptable that you would grill my daughter, Gracie, about whether I took her to a birthday party and then you call me a liar?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Who`s that?
DAVID: That was Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
BEHAR: Oh Julia Louis, that`s right. Well we`re back with Larry David for our final segment, which I`m dreading already that you have to leave. I am.
DAVID: That`s sweet. Joy.
BEHAR: I love this quote, the more people I offend, and the better. That`s you.
DAVID: I said that?
BEHAR: Yes, you said that. And you had one show where you had to tell a girl that had cancer that you`re breaking up with her, Vivian Fox.
DAVID: No, I didn`t tell her because the doctor beat to it.
BEHAR: I know but you wanted to before, right?
DAVID: I tried to beat the doctor before she got the diagnosis.
BEHAR: Well you and Newt Gingrich have this in common. He told his wife he was breaking up with her while she had cancer. Did you get the idea from Gingrich?
DAVID: Yes.
BEHAR: See that, he was helpful to you. That`s interesting.
DAVID: Yes, very helpful to me. Yes.
BEHAR: They always say that comics and funny people had a miserable childhood. Did you?
DAVID: No, I don`t think I had a miserable childhood.
BEHAR: No.
DAVID: Yes, I used to do a line in my act. I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough, because it`s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood, you know?
BEHAR: I can relate to that.
DAVID: But I didn`t have a bad childhood at all.
BEHAR: They loved you, you had a bunch of aunts and uncles around you?
DAVID: They loved me -- you know, there`s a -- parents, I don`t know, back in the `50s, whatever, they didn`t love like the way parents do today. Parents today, they`re told -- you tell your kid, you know -- I love you!
BEHAR: I know, I know.
DAVID: They`re so sick of it -- yeah, you love me, shut the hell up already. Yeah, I get it, you love me. And there`s more hugging and all that today. You see it amongst everyone.
BEHAR: But don`t you think it makes kids insecure to keep telling them -- do they really love me or are they just saying this?
DAVID: Who the hell knows. I don`t know. But in my day, I never heard any of that. There was no hugging --
BEHAR: No hugging?
DAVID: No. There was only watching. How`s he doing.
BEHAR: Where is he?
DAVID: He`s talking to a girl, what`s going on there? Oh. You know?
BEHAR: Did they worry you might be gay?
DAVID: Oh, god, no. There was no such --
BEHAR: No one was gay in the `50s.
DAVID: No one was gay and no one was allergic to peanuts.
BEHAR: That`s true. That basically tells the `50s. That`s it about the` 5 `50s.
DAVID: And women had no problems getting pregnant.
BEHAR: That`s because they were under their 30s. Now they`re in their 60s getting pregnant. Will you come back and sit with me again when you`re in New York?
DAVID: I will.
BEHAR: Because this show will be on -- it`s a hit so far. Thanks, Larry. So appreciate you coming on. Great to see you. Don`t forget to watch HBO`s curb your enthusiasm, one of the funniest shows on television, good night and good luck. I shouldn`t say that, that was Edward R. Murrow, but I`ll say it anyway. Easiest interview you`ve ever had.
DAVID: Easiest by far. And probably the best.
BEHAR: Thank you. You were great!
END
