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CNN Crossfire

Jim Morris as President Bush, Bill Clinton, Howard Dean, Et Cetera

Aired December 25, 2003 - 16:30   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
ANNOUNCER: CROSSFIRE. On the left, James Carville and Paul Begala. On the right, Robert Novak and Tucker Carlson.

In the CROSSFIRE, the presidents of the United States: George W. Bush, William Jefferson Clinton, Ronald Reagan, and those who would like to follow in their footsteps. Today, our holiday versions of the commanders in chief, all thanks to political impressionist Jim Morris.

Ahead on CROSSFIRE.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

ANNOUNCER: From the George Washington University, Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson.

(APPLAUSE)

TUCKER CARLSON, CO-HOST: Welcome to CROSSFIRE. As Rosie O'Donnell would say, it's a very special edition today. Today's lineup of truly staggering, unprecedented and no doubt amazing guests will set a new benchmark for stellar guests on a political talk show.

PAUL BEGALA, CO-HOST: Well, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. So, without further ado, let's get to our first guest.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States.

JIM MORRIS, IMPRESSIONIST: God bless you. I appreciate it.

BEGALA: Good to see you.

MORRIS: God bless you.

CARLSON: Well, god bless you.

MORRIS: Welcome back from Iraq.

CARLSON: Thank you, sir.

BEGALA: Ladies and Gentlemen, can we have a round of applause here?

(APPLAUSE) BEGALA: Mr. President.

CARLSON: Well, President George W. Bush could not be here with us today. But we have asked Jim Morris to fill in, in his capacity.

Mr. President, your poll numbers higher than expected. To what do you attribute that? Congratulations, incidentally.

MORRIS: I appreciate it. Well, you can't always believe those poll numbers. They conduct these opinion polls by asking people about what they think. A lot of people out there who just don't think.

The pollsters never talk to them. And that's a group I'm sure are going to vote for me as well. But I appreciate it.

You know we had a great -- I deserve reelection. We had a great first term. Just look at the wreckage -- record.

(LAUGHTER)

BEGALA: Mr. President, this week the big news. Your Homeland Security Department raised the threat left level to orange. But you're telling us we should still go about our business. What's the deal?

MORRIS: Well, I think we all have to keep our eyes open, we have to be vigilant. We've got to take in the whole picture. After all, a picture's worth a thousand words. We let just 16 words slip by last year and we're paying $87 bill and more.

CARLSON: Mr. President, Barbra Streisand claims that your war on terror has caused an erosion of civil liberties. True?

MORRIS: Well, she's still enjoys her civil liberties. No matter what -- I'll tell you something. No matter what happens, anybody who is prosecuted or held by the authorities, everything will be done in strict accordance with the Constitution. It may not be our Constitution. I hear Bolivia's got a pretty good one.

BEGALA: Well, Mr. President, you know we're shifting into the political season in just a few days. It will be 2004. You'll be running for reelection. What are you going to base your reelection on? What are you proud of from your term as president?

MORRIS: I'm very proud. We accomplished a great deal. Everything, tax cuts, the apprehension of Saddam Hussein, met with Chinese premier recently, Wen Bang Ho (ph).

I'm not sure about his -- we had a good meeting. Pretty good fellow. Didn't appreciate his holier than thou attitude.

(LAUGHTER)

MORRIS: But accomplished a great deal. He said he wanted a more free reign with Taiwan. I said, you've already got Hong Kong and the Mandarins, Cantonese, Szechuans, Hunans, and even the takeouts. I don't know why -- you've got to hold on there, pal.

CARLSON: Well, coming off a list of successes like that, what will your priorities be for your second term?

MORRIS: My priorities for second term, the environment. I hope to visit the environment some day. As a matter of fact, I think I'll take the whole cabinet with me. We'll have a campfire sing along.

God bless America -- come on, you know the words. Land rich in ore. Like a carving knife, we'll cut out wildlife with landfill digs and drilling rigs offshore.

Or maybe -- I'm hoping to accomplish -- we've got the 30th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I hope to overturn it some day. I think unborn humans have rights. That is until they're born, anyway. Then they have the right to remain silent. Anything they say can -- unless we do away with that Carmen Miranda thing...

BEGALA: Well, it looks like, Mr. President, my party, the frontrunner -- no votes have been cast yet, but Howard Dean is definitely the frontrunner. He has electrified the base of the Democratic Party, he's raised millions on the Internet in small donations. He's the guy with all the buzz and energy.

How are you going to take on Howard Dean, who's really running as an outsider? And if Dean's my party's nominee, what are you going to do when he runs against you?

MORRIS: He calls himself a doctor. Says he knows how to cure our economy. I know more about a -- you know, a balanced budget, I know about a sick body. And that would be the body of -- the legislative body. What you put into the body, I send a responsible package down into that body, but it just sat there in that body without being acted upon.

It met with resistance down there, blockage, no movement. No movement, just a lot of wind. And we need to eliminate our defikits (ph). Then and only then will the problem once and for all be rectified and put behind us. My dad once said there's a new breeze blowing and we're breaking new wind.

BEGALA: This is a Christmas show.

CARLSON: Well, that's disgusting. Mr. President, speaking of human waste, what shall we do with Saddam Hussein?

MORRIS: Well, we're Americans and we value human life. You know that, Tucker. You may not.

We're a faith-based people. So I say, how about a faith-based execution for Saddam Hussein? Put it on pay per view. That will take care of the deficit.

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: The audience likes that idea. CARLSON: That is fantastic.

Mr. President, we are going to take a quick break. You know the importance of commercialism. And we're going to be right back.

There are, of course, a number of people who want to replace President Bush. We'll hear from most of them, almost every one of them in just a moment.

Plus, a special visit from the former attention getter and chief all courtesy of impressionist Jim Morris. You won't want to miss it.

We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

CARLSON: Welcome back to CROSSFIRE.

Well, the sparkplug from Vermont has surprised a lot of political observers, horrified a few others. But Washington's cockroach, as Mr. Dean likes to call him, not yet willing to concede him the Democratic presidential nomination. They're already to step into the CROSSFIRE thanks to political impressionist Jim Morris, who joins us now.

BEGALA: All right, Jim. First, thanks again for joining us.

MORRIS: Thank you. I appreciate it. And I thought I was going to come out here out of character and I could be myself and then you could see how schizo I really am. But welcome back. I appreciate the Merry Christmas and all of that.

I'm going to send it up and down my family. Thank you. And to you, up yours.

BEGALA: Well, OK. What about the guy -- the hot guy in my party -- I asked you as President Bush, but just as an impressionist now, Howard Dean seems to be the frontrunner.

MORRIS: Tough. They're all tough. When I start doing them -- you asked me during the break, what do you do, watch tapes? Yes. And there's only so much I can take of these people.

And I make notes. So far I got the Dean face down. Let me see if I can -- OK.

(APPLAUSE)

CARLSON: That is fantastic. Does it -- I mean, what's it like to do someone like Dean...

MORRIS: The voice comes later.

CARLSON: But someone -- angry little guy, barking at the screen, you watch four or five hours of that. What happens to you?

MORRIS: Oh, man. You don't want to be near me, OK? I tell you, I was watching him on C-SPAN. I can't just take the sound bites. I have to research the character.

And I was watching him recently on C-SPAN through his speech, through his question-and-answer period, the car is waiting for him, and he has to shake hands on the way out. And you can tell he was a little tense. Well, I don't know how you tell if he's tense. He looks kind of tense.

Anyway, and he's shaking hands. And this guy comes up to him, "Mr. Dean, my wife, and I, we lost our jobs. We lost our health care. We lost our benefits. And we lost our..."

And Dean's just looking at his -- I'm going to be here an hour basically. And I'm sorry, what was your question?

BEGALA: Well, do you just start with like the physicality and then you try to work to the voice?

MORRIS: It differs with each of the people. I mean, if I started with -- OK. Sometimes, and sometimes it's the inside out. You know, I learn how they -- like Al Gore was really hard to get because -- you know, and, of course, I supported all kinds of -- I wanted to go for Mr. Dean, Governor Dean, because I support him. I believe -- and I wonder if that is going to get Mr. Dean a lot of boost because people look at Al Gore and say, well, he panders to this group, that group.

You remember at the last election, he was asked a question, a simple question. Governor Bush, what is your favorite food? Broccoli. Just to piss the old man off. So then they go to governor -- they go to Vice President Gore, what is your favorite food? Well, I like roast beef, chicken.

And he goes on and on. Mexican, Chinese, Korean. I certainly hope that -- I certainly hope the vice president doesn't end up in death row in my state of Texas. His last meal will bankrupt the state. So don't kill anybody in Texas, Mr. Vice President.

Well, we'll see how I feel after the votes are counted. Well, we'll just have to see which ones are counted.

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: One of the big stories this year was when Al Gore decided not to endorse Joe Lieberman, his running mate, but...

MORRIS: You mean senator chopped liver?

BEGALA: Senator Lieberman, did that hurt him?

MORRIS: Oh, probably. But the thing is, he says, my campaign is stronger than ever. Stronger than ever? My god, it's like he was kicked down a mine shaft and, you know, my campaign is looking up. Help. Help.

But, you know, my appearance in the movie A Mighty Wind has helped a great deal. People come up to me all the time and say, we dig what you do.

CARLSON: Have political campaigns become phony, or how have they changed over the years you've been following them?

MORRIS: No. God, spin doctors and everything. I mean, Ross Perot said he didn't have any spin doctors.

No, I had a witch doctor. He shrunk my head. My ears stayed the same size. My ears stayed the same size. It's wonderful, I tell you.

But you know how it is. A candidate, a serious candidate goes on Russert's show and he has to answer all these tough questions. Well, how come your numbers don't balance out, and how do you -- give us some specifics, sir.

And the next day the same candidate is on the Leno show. Well, we hear you like Oreo cookies. You like putting them together we hear. That's what it says on my card here. And so you think you would be a good president?

And I don't know if that serves us well.

BEGALA: What about the guys who lose? I've worked for winner, I've worked for losers. Is there life for some of these characters? You work a lot, you develop a candidate, you develop a character. Perot is still around, but what do you do with the guys who lose? Do they have a future?

MORRIS: Well, luckily, most of them decide to stay in the public -- you know, Bob Dole's a good example, you know, doing Viagra commercials. He has a new commercial coming out.

Friends, remember me. Bill Blass. No, Bob Dole's just kidding. I know, Bob Dole.

You know, when I was a presidential candidate, my campaign had an awful -- had an awful problem with leaks. Well, today's no different. That's why I wear these.

BEGALA: Oh, god.

MORRIS: For my own personal (UNINTELLIGIBLE). Ronald Reagan would say, because you never know when there you go again.

BEGALA: With that, we're going to take a quick break. Jim Morris, keep your seat. And you at home, do not go away.

You may have missed a terrific movie that was on Showtime, but you won't want to miss the sneak preview of every Republican's dream, Ronald Reagan, the musical. We will be back with political impressionist Jim Morris right after this.

Stay with us.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) BEGALA: Welcome back to CROSSFIRE. We're about to be joined by an old hand in the movie and television business. He's also dabbled a little in government work. He joins us here in the CROSSFIRE, thanks to political impressionist great gifts Jim Morris -- Jim.

CARLSON: Jim, you're well known for your Reagan imitations. What did you think of the hit job CBS did on him?

MORRIS: Well, I didn't see it, so I can't comment on it. But I think if America isn't ready for Reagan the miniseries, maybe they would be Reagan (UNINTELLIGIBLE) musical. So I worked up a little something for you and your Christmas Day audience.

CARLSON: You guys want to hear Reagan, the musical?

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: All right, Jim. You're on the spot.

MORRIS: OK. Is this my camera here?

BEGALA: There you go.

MORRIS: Well, god bless you, my fellow Americans. When I first came into office, I said that our first task, our long-standing commitment, our common cause, has been, still is and will continue to be to begin the process to get big government off the backs of all those unfortunate souls I refer to as those who have been victimized and deprived under past administrations. And, of course, folks, you all know I'm talking about the multinational corporations.

There's no business like big business like no business I know. Oh, no. No. Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas for Bonzo.

Bonzo doesn't get any bananas because, well, he's dead. No sense throwing them in the cage there. But Bonzo was not -- he was not -- even though he had equal billing on that wonderful show we did, that movie, he was not Caucasian nor Negroid, like many of us.

Bonzo happened to be at a disadvantage. He was one of those, well, chimpanzees. Well, if he was, what does that make us?

Are we not men? We are Devo. And we must whip inflation, whip it, whip it good.

As a matter of fact, watch out for those Democrats. What goes up, must come down. Deficit spending's got to come 'round. Talk about new taxes, it's a crying sin. Heaven help us all if those Democrats win

But you know, folks, you have made me so very happy. I'm so glad I came to the White House. Hey, hey, hey give me my White House for as long as I live. All I ask of living is to make one last movie. All I ask of living is to make one last movie.

And all I ask of dying is to take the world with me. Only want to wage World War III. Just kidding folks. Just kidding.

In conclusion, I just want to say, that's life. That's what all the pollsters say. You're riding high in April and shot down in May.

But I know, I know I'm going to change that tune when I'm back on top, back on top -- I've been a sportscaster, an actor, a governor, a rancher and then president. I've been up and down and over and out and one thing's evident. That each time I find myself falling flat (AUDIO GAP) the arms race. That's life.

Merry Christmas to one and all. Thank you for letting me do my -- did I pass the audition?

CARLSON: Ready for Vegas.

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: Outstanding. Jim Morris, fantastic.

CARLSON: All right. Coming up: our grand finale. Stay with us for holiday greetings and best wishes for the new year from a host of political stars. We'll find out who they are.

We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

CARLSON: Welcome back to CROSSFIRE. We are celebrating Christmas with a host of people you may know, all encapsulated in the person of impressionist Jim Morris.

Our final president.

MORRIS: I was just thinking that the last segment, it's a piece of tape I'm not going to be able to use. OK. But it was fun to do.

BEGALA: That's great.

MORRIS: Well, one thing. Can I talk to the American people? I certainly would appreciate...

BEGALA: Oh, the greatest president of my lifetime, Bill Clinton.

MORRIS: I thought you would say so. God bless you. Merry Christmas.

CARLSON: I don't know where it's been. I'm not talking into it.

MORRIS: I don't know. God bless you. No matter what you think of me, Tucker, I kept every promise I intended to keep.

(LAUGHTER)

BEGALA: How would, say -- I hate to plug another network, but Tom Brokaw, NBC's anchor, Tom Brokaw... MORRIS: Well, we certainly want to wish everybody a wonderful -- a wonderful Christmas. Deck the hall with boughs of holly, fa-la-la- la-la-la-la-la. And I've had nothing to drink, folks.

CARLSON: But you might have something to drink to do Dan Rather. I mean, how loaded do you have to be to do Dan Rather?

MORRIS: Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh, over the fields we go, laughing all the way. Ha ha.

(LAUGHTER)

BEGALA: How about Ted Koppel of ABC?

MORRIS: Well, Ted Koppel doesn't celebrate Christmas. He celebrates Hanukkah.

BEGALA: Right.

MORRIS: Let's let the candles, shall we? Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha'olam -- and I must caution our family members, we will be running a little long, as we do have all eight candles to light tonight.

CARLSON: And finally, a woman, Julia Childs.

MORRIS: Well, the French chef. Marvelous. Rudolph the red- nosed reindeer -- there goes my career, folks -- had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say, hey, let's put him in the oven and make venison? What do you say?

BEGALA: Outstanding.

MORRIS: Hey, Merry Christmas.

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: Jim's got a one-man show coming up in New York City. Jim Morris, in New York, a one-man show and a cast of thousands.

From the left, I am Paul Begala. That's it for CROSSFIRE.

CARLSON: And from the right, I am Tucker Carlson. Merry Christmas. Join us again next time after Christmas, for yet more CROSSFIRE.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com





Et Cetera>


Aired December 25, 2003 - 16:30   ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
ANNOUNCER: CROSSFIRE. On the left, James Carville and Paul Begala. On the right, Robert Novak and Tucker Carlson.

In the CROSSFIRE, the presidents of the United States: George W. Bush, William Jefferson Clinton, Ronald Reagan, and those who would like to follow in their footsteps. Today, our holiday versions of the commanders in chief, all thanks to political impressionist Jim Morris.

Ahead on CROSSFIRE.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

ANNOUNCER: From the George Washington University, Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson.

(APPLAUSE)

TUCKER CARLSON, CO-HOST: Welcome to CROSSFIRE. As Rosie O'Donnell would say, it's a very special edition today. Today's lineup of truly staggering, unprecedented and no doubt amazing guests will set a new benchmark for stellar guests on a political talk show.

PAUL BEGALA, CO-HOST: Well, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. So, without further ado, let's get to our first guest.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States.

JIM MORRIS, IMPRESSIONIST: God bless you. I appreciate it.

BEGALA: Good to see you.

MORRIS: God bless you.

CARLSON: Well, god bless you.

MORRIS: Welcome back from Iraq.

CARLSON: Thank you, sir.

BEGALA: Ladies and Gentlemen, can we have a round of applause here?

(APPLAUSE) BEGALA: Mr. President.

CARLSON: Well, President George W. Bush could not be here with us today. But we have asked Jim Morris to fill in, in his capacity.

Mr. President, your poll numbers higher than expected. To what do you attribute that? Congratulations, incidentally.

MORRIS: I appreciate it. Well, you can't always believe those poll numbers. They conduct these opinion polls by asking people about what they think. A lot of people out there who just don't think.

The pollsters never talk to them. And that's a group I'm sure are going to vote for me as well. But I appreciate it.

You know we had a great -- I deserve reelection. We had a great first term. Just look at the wreckage -- record.

(LAUGHTER)

BEGALA: Mr. President, this week the big news. Your Homeland Security Department raised the threat left level to orange. But you're telling us we should still go about our business. What's the deal?

MORRIS: Well, I think we all have to keep our eyes open, we have to be vigilant. We've got to take in the whole picture. After all, a picture's worth a thousand words. We let just 16 words slip by last year and we're paying $87 bill and more.

CARLSON: Mr. President, Barbra Streisand claims that your war on terror has caused an erosion of civil liberties. True?

MORRIS: Well, she's still enjoys her civil liberties. No matter what -- I'll tell you something. No matter what happens, anybody who is prosecuted or held by the authorities, everything will be done in strict accordance with the Constitution. It may not be our Constitution. I hear Bolivia's got a pretty good one.

BEGALA: Well, Mr. President, you know we're shifting into the political season in just a few days. It will be 2004. You'll be running for reelection. What are you going to base your reelection on? What are you proud of from your term as president?

MORRIS: I'm very proud. We accomplished a great deal. Everything, tax cuts, the apprehension of Saddam Hussein, met with Chinese premier recently, Wen Bang Ho (ph).

I'm not sure about his -- we had a good meeting. Pretty good fellow. Didn't appreciate his holier than thou attitude.

(LAUGHTER)

MORRIS: But accomplished a great deal. He said he wanted a more free reign with Taiwan. I said, you've already got Hong Kong and the Mandarins, Cantonese, Szechuans, Hunans, and even the takeouts. I don't know why -- you've got to hold on there, pal.

CARLSON: Well, coming off a list of successes like that, what will your priorities be for your second term?

MORRIS: My priorities for second term, the environment. I hope to visit the environment some day. As a matter of fact, I think I'll take the whole cabinet with me. We'll have a campfire sing along.

God bless America -- come on, you know the words. Land rich in ore. Like a carving knife, we'll cut out wildlife with landfill digs and drilling rigs offshore.

Or maybe -- I'm hoping to accomplish -- we've got the 30th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I hope to overturn it some day. I think unborn humans have rights. That is until they're born, anyway. Then they have the right to remain silent. Anything they say can -- unless we do away with that Carmen Miranda thing...

BEGALA: Well, it looks like, Mr. President, my party, the frontrunner -- no votes have been cast yet, but Howard Dean is definitely the frontrunner. He has electrified the base of the Democratic Party, he's raised millions on the Internet in small donations. He's the guy with all the buzz and energy.

How are you going to take on Howard Dean, who's really running as an outsider? And if Dean's my party's nominee, what are you going to do when he runs against you?

MORRIS: He calls himself a doctor. Says he knows how to cure our economy. I know more about a -- you know, a balanced budget, I know about a sick body. And that would be the body of -- the legislative body. What you put into the body, I send a responsible package down into that body, but it just sat there in that body without being acted upon.

It met with resistance down there, blockage, no movement. No movement, just a lot of wind. And we need to eliminate our defikits (ph). Then and only then will the problem once and for all be rectified and put behind us. My dad once said there's a new breeze blowing and we're breaking new wind.

BEGALA: This is a Christmas show.

CARLSON: Well, that's disgusting. Mr. President, speaking of human waste, what shall we do with Saddam Hussein?

MORRIS: Well, we're Americans and we value human life. You know that, Tucker. You may not.

We're a faith-based people. So I say, how about a faith-based execution for Saddam Hussein? Put it on pay per view. That will take care of the deficit.

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: The audience likes that idea. CARLSON: That is fantastic.

Mr. President, we are going to take a quick break. You know the importance of commercialism. And we're going to be right back.

There are, of course, a number of people who want to replace President Bush. We'll hear from most of them, almost every one of them in just a moment.

Plus, a special visit from the former attention getter and chief all courtesy of impressionist Jim Morris. You won't want to miss it.

We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

CARLSON: Welcome back to CROSSFIRE.

Well, the sparkplug from Vermont has surprised a lot of political observers, horrified a few others. But Washington's cockroach, as Mr. Dean likes to call him, not yet willing to concede him the Democratic presidential nomination. They're already to step into the CROSSFIRE thanks to political impressionist Jim Morris, who joins us now.

BEGALA: All right, Jim. First, thanks again for joining us.

MORRIS: Thank you. I appreciate it. And I thought I was going to come out here out of character and I could be myself and then you could see how schizo I really am. But welcome back. I appreciate the Merry Christmas and all of that.

I'm going to send it up and down my family. Thank you. And to you, up yours.

BEGALA: Well, OK. What about the guy -- the hot guy in my party -- I asked you as President Bush, but just as an impressionist now, Howard Dean seems to be the frontrunner.

MORRIS: Tough. They're all tough. When I start doing them -- you asked me during the break, what do you do, watch tapes? Yes. And there's only so much I can take of these people.

And I make notes. So far I got the Dean face down. Let me see if I can -- OK.

(APPLAUSE)

CARLSON: That is fantastic. Does it -- I mean, what's it like to do someone like Dean...

MORRIS: The voice comes later.

CARLSON: But someone -- angry little guy, barking at the screen, you watch four or five hours of that. What happens to you?

MORRIS: Oh, man. You don't want to be near me, OK? I tell you, I was watching him on C-SPAN. I can't just take the sound bites. I have to research the character.

And I was watching him recently on C-SPAN through his speech, through his question-and-answer period, the car is waiting for him, and he has to shake hands on the way out. And you can tell he was a little tense. Well, I don't know how you tell if he's tense. He looks kind of tense.

Anyway, and he's shaking hands. And this guy comes up to him, "Mr. Dean, my wife, and I, we lost our jobs. We lost our health care. We lost our benefits. And we lost our..."

And Dean's just looking at his -- I'm going to be here an hour basically. And I'm sorry, what was your question?

BEGALA: Well, do you just start with like the physicality and then you try to work to the voice?

MORRIS: It differs with each of the people. I mean, if I started with -- OK. Sometimes, and sometimes it's the inside out. You know, I learn how they -- like Al Gore was really hard to get because -- you know, and, of course, I supported all kinds of -- I wanted to go for Mr. Dean, Governor Dean, because I support him. I believe -- and I wonder if that is going to get Mr. Dean a lot of boost because people look at Al Gore and say, well, he panders to this group, that group.

You remember at the last election, he was asked a question, a simple question. Governor Bush, what is your favorite food? Broccoli. Just to piss the old man off. So then they go to governor -- they go to Vice President Gore, what is your favorite food? Well, I like roast beef, chicken.

And he goes on and on. Mexican, Chinese, Korean. I certainly hope that -- I certainly hope the vice president doesn't end up in death row in my state of Texas. His last meal will bankrupt the state. So don't kill anybody in Texas, Mr. Vice President.

Well, we'll see how I feel after the votes are counted. Well, we'll just have to see which ones are counted.

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: One of the big stories this year was when Al Gore decided not to endorse Joe Lieberman, his running mate, but...

MORRIS: You mean senator chopped liver?

BEGALA: Senator Lieberman, did that hurt him?

MORRIS: Oh, probably. But the thing is, he says, my campaign is stronger than ever. Stronger than ever? My god, it's like he was kicked down a mine shaft and, you know, my campaign is looking up. Help. Help.

But, you know, my appearance in the movie A Mighty Wind has helped a great deal. People come up to me all the time and say, we dig what you do.

CARLSON: Have political campaigns become phony, or how have they changed over the years you've been following them?

MORRIS: No. God, spin doctors and everything. I mean, Ross Perot said he didn't have any spin doctors.

No, I had a witch doctor. He shrunk my head. My ears stayed the same size. My ears stayed the same size. It's wonderful, I tell you.

But you know how it is. A candidate, a serious candidate goes on Russert's show and he has to answer all these tough questions. Well, how come your numbers don't balance out, and how do you -- give us some specifics, sir.

And the next day the same candidate is on the Leno show. Well, we hear you like Oreo cookies. You like putting them together we hear. That's what it says on my card here. And so you think you would be a good president?

And I don't know if that serves us well.

BEGALA: What about the guys who lose? I've worked for winner, I've worked for losers. Is there life for some of these characters? You work a lot, you develop a candidate, you develop a character. Perot is still around, but what do you do with the guys who lose? Do they have a future?

MORRIS: Well, luckily, most of them decide to stay in the public -- you know, Bob Dole's a good example, you know, doing Viagra commercials. He has a new commercial coming out.

Friends, remember me. Bill Blass. No, Bob Dole's just kidding. I know, Bob Dole.

You know, when I was a presidential candidate, my campaign had an awful -- had an awful problem with leaks. Well, today's no different. That's why I wear these.

BEGALA: Oh, god.

MORRIS: For my own personal (UNINTELLIGIBLE). Ronald Reagan would say, because you never know when there you go again.

BEGALA: With that, we're going to take a quick break. Jim Morris, keep your seat. And you at home, do not go away.

You may have missed a terrific movie that was on Showtime, but you won't want to miss the sneak preview of every Republican's dream, Ronald Reagan, the musical. We will be back with political impressionist Jim Morris right after this.

Stay with us.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) BEGALA: Welcome back to CROSSFIRE. We're about to be joined by an old hand in the movie and television business. He's also dabbled a little in government work. He joins us here in the CROSSFIRE, thanks to political impressionist great gifts Jim Morris -- Jim.

CARLSON: Jim, you're well known for your Reagan imitations. What did you think of the hit job CBS did on him?

MORRIS: Well, I didn't see it, so I can't comment on it. But I think if America isn't ready for Reagan the miniseries, maybe they would be Reagan (UNINTELLIGIBLE) musical. So I worked up a little something for you and your Christmas Day audience.

CARLSON: You guys want to hear Reagan, the musical?

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: All right, Jim. You're on the spot.

MORRIS: OK. Is this my camera here?

BEGALA: There you go.

MORRIS: Well, god bless you, my fellow Americans. When I first came into office, I said that our first task, our long-standing commitment, our common cause, has been, still is and will continue to be to begin the process to get big government off the backs of all those unfortunate souls I refer to as those who have been victimized and deprived under past administrations. And, of course, folks, you all know I'm talking about the multinational corporations.

There's no business like big business like no business I know. Oh, no. No. Yes, we have no bananas. We have no bananas for Bonzo.

Bonzo doesn't get any bananas because, well, he's dead. No sense throwing them in the cage there. But Bonzo was not -- he was not -- even though he had equal billing on that wonderful show we did, that movie, he was not Caucasian nor Negroid, like many of us.

Bonzo happened to be at a disadvantage. He was one of those, well, chimpanzees. Well, if he was, what does that make us?

Are we not men? We are Devo. And we must whip inflation, whip it, whip it good.

As a matter of fact, watch out for those Democrats. What goes up, must come down. Deficit spending's got to come 'round. Talk about new taxes, it's a crying sin. Heaven help us all if those Democrats win

But you know, folks, you have made me so very happy. I'm so glad I came to the White House. Hey, hey, hey give me my White House for as long as I live. All I ask of living is to make one last movie. All I ask of living is to make one last movie.

And all I ask of dying is to take the world with me. Only want to wage World War III. Just kidding folks. Just kidding.

In conclusion, I just want to say, that's life. That's what all the pollsters say. You're riding high in April and shot down in May.

But I know, I know I'm going to change that tune when I'm back on top, back on top -- I've been a sportscaster, an actor, a governor, a rancher and then president. I've been up and down and over and out and one thing's evident. That each time I find myself falling flat (AUDIO GAP) the arms race. That's life.

Merry Christmas to one and all. Thank you for letting me do my -- did I pass the audition?

CARLSON: Ready for Vegas.

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: Outstanding. Jim Morris, fantastic.

CARLSON: All right. Coming up: our grand finale. Stay with us for holiday greetings and best wishes for the new year from a host of political stars. We'll find out who they are.

We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

CARLSON: Welcome back to CROSSFIRE. We are celebrating Christmas with a host of people you may know, all encapsulated in the person of impressionist Jim Morris.

Our final president.

MORRIS: I was just thinking that the last segment, it's a piece of tape I'm not going to be able to use. OK. But it was fun to do.

BEGALA: That's great.

MORRIS: Well, one thing. Can I talk to the American people? I certainly would appreciate...

BEGALA: Oh, the greatest president of my lifetime, Bill Clinton.

MORRIS: I thought you would say so. God bless you. Merry Christmas.

CARLSON: I don't know where it's been. I'm not talking into it.

MORRIS: I don't know. God bless you. No matter what you think of me, Tucker, I kept every promise I intended to keep.

(LAUGHTER)

BEGALA: How would, say -- I hate to plug another network, but Tom Brokaw, NBC's anchor, Tom Brokaw... MORRIS: Well, we certainly want to wish everybody a wonderful -- a wonderful Christmas. Deck the hall with boughs of holly, fa-la-la- la-la-la-la-la. And I've had nothing to drink, folks.

CARLSON: But you might have something to drink to do Dan Rather. I mean, how loaded do you have to be to do Dan Rather?

MORRIS: Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh, over the fields we go, laughing all the way. Ha ha.

(LAUGHTER)

BEGALA: How about Ted Koppel of ABC?

MORRIS: Well, Ted Koppel doesn't celebrate Christmas. He celebrates Hanukkah.

BEGALA: Right.

MORRIS: Let's let the candles, shall we? Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha'olam -- and I must caution our family members, we will be running a little long, as we do have all eight candles to light tonight.

CARLSON: And finally, a woman, Julia Childs.

MORRIS: Well, the French chef. Marvelous. Rudolph the red- nosed reindeer -- there goes my career, folks -- had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say, hey, let's put him in the oven and make venison? What do you say?

BEGALA: Outstanding.

MORRIS: Hey, Merry Christmas.

(APPLAUSE)

BEGALA: Jim's got a one-man show coming up in New York City. Jim Morris, in New York, a one-man show and a cast of thousands.

From the left, I am Paul Begala. That's it for CROSSFIRE.

CARLSON: And from the right, I am Tucker Carlson. Merry Christmas. Join us again next time after Christmas, for yet more CROSSFIRE.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com





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