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CNN Live Saturday

Interview With Leslie Parrott

Aired February 09, 2002 - 14:12   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
FREDRICKA WHITFIELD, CNN ANCHOR: In just a few days, love will definitely be in the air. On Valentine's Day many people will be getting engaged. But before you say, "I do," there are some questions some experts say you need to ask yourself.

Joining us now, the co-author of "Saving Your Second Marriage Before it Starts," Dr. Leslie Parrott. Thanks for joining us.

LESLIE PARROTT, MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST: Oh, my pleasure.

WHITFIELD: OK. Well the book is, "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts," but might these tips be applied to those who are thinking about popping the question or maybe even saying, "I do" for the first time?

PARROTT: Absolutely. In fact, we even wrote the book "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts" as a response to couples who needed that. But it grew out of our first book, "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts." The truth is, whether you enter marriage full of confidence and enthusiasm or a little bit gun shy, all of us can really benefit from some proven wisdom about what it takes to make a marriage work.

WHITFIELD: OK. And you said you've got to ask yourself a few questions.

PARROTT: That's true.

WHITFIELD: You've got to look within yourself. The first question, you say, is are you ready to get married again?

PARROTT: That's right.

WHITFIELD: Are you ready to get married period?

PARROTT: That's right. I mean you have to know if you're ready and face that. And this helps to do with two things. One is knowing if you're ready personally. I mean here's one thing we know for sure about marriage. A marriage can only be as health as the least healthy person in it. And so it really pays to understand, am I truly ready for marriage?

I mean part of that is finding out what are my motivations for a marriage. I mean we talk about really testing your motivations, because some of us, you know, we feel that biological clock ticking or, you know, even have some pressure -- some external pressures -- or even just financial insecurities. I mean there are all kinds of things that can be kind of dangerous motivators for marriage. But then, overall, there are some fabulous motivators, like companionship and love and the kinds of things that really make for a healthy marriage.

So not only understanding is your relationship ready and is this the right one for me, but am I ready personally. That's one of the most critical questions when you're really thinking about popping that question.

WHITFIELD: These things -- they seem like very simple things that you shouldn't overlook, but people get kind of caught up in the whole fantasy of marriage. And so when they ask themselves, "Am I ready to get married," they think of the fantasy and they think, "Well, yeah, I am ready to get married."

So how do you look within yourself and, you know, really dig deep and find out if you are prepared? What are some of the questions you ask yourself to even find out if you really are ready for marriage?

PARROTT: I'm so glad you said that, because we are crazy in love. I mean, sometimes love is kind of like a lightning bolt. You know, we can't explain it, it hits us out of the blue.

In fact, one of the most important questions for couples is to really ask themselves, "Do I know my love style? Do I really understand how love and marriage works?" And I think especially with Valentine's Day, any married couple can benefit from this.

And, in fact, one of the most helpful pictures for how love really works in marriage comes out of some work at Yale University. And it's a basic model. If you think in terms of a triangle with three ingredients that are essential to love, the first one is passion. You know, that spine tingling feeling that hopefully you're going to have on Valentine's Day. And then -- and that's really that -- you know that's the biological side of love. And the second ingredient is intimacy, which is that soul-to-soul connection. Someone I trust with my secrets and I feel close to and we share intense interest. And it's really the emotional side of love.

And on the base of that triangle is the ingredient of commitment. You know, that decision to love. That part of love that says in spite of everything that's uncertain about life, I'm ready to make one thing certain to you, and that's my commitment. And I'm going to make that rock solid no matter what else happens. And I mean, that really is the cognitive or the willful side of love.

And sometimes we even think of love as having, you know, hot, warm and cold sides. And it's an amazing thing in a relationship. In a marriage, when you have all three of those -- you know, 10 out of 10 -- then, of course, I'm hoping to have that for Valentine's Day and I want that for couples.

WHITFIELD: So you identify this love style. And you actually in this book say there are nine questions you need to ask yourself. We don't have the time to go through all nine, but another question you've got to ask yourself -- and perhaps your soul mate too -- is to find out how well your families blend. That's one of the questions you have on here. It's question number eight.

PARROTT: Oh, yes.

WHITFIELD: "Do you know how to blend a family?" And what do you mean?

PARROTT: Well, there's nothing more critical...

WHITFIELD: And how can you really control that anyway?

PARROTT: Well, absolutely. I mean, especially when you're entering a second marriage. What we're talking about -- we know now that it takes between three and six years for a family to blend, especially when you're entering that second marriage. It's not like "The Brady Bunch." I mean, we've longed for it to be easy and for everyone to feel loved and for life to fall naturally into place. We know it takes time and space and a lot of skill. And so that's what that question is all about.

I'm glad you raised it, though, because it's not just for second marriages, because we do have two families coming together in any marriage. And there are a lot of myths; there are misbeliefs about marriage that arise out of that. And one is that we have the same idealized picture of marriage. That the picture I envision in my mind's eye and the one you envision are the same.

And it's just not true, because our families really do shape us. And they give us almost unspoken ways of looking at marriage and how relationships should unfold that are often extremely different from each other. We just need to become aware of what those motivators are and those ideals are before we marry as best we can.

WHITFIELD: OK. All right, thanks. Dr. Leslie Parrott, the book is "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts." And also in the book, in addition to the nine questions you have to ask yourself, you also have some workbook exercises. So if folks have a hard time figuring out how to begin answering these questions, you kind of help -- you know, you've got these step-by-step guides in order to do that.

All right. Thanks very much, Dr. Parrott. And remembering to everyone that if you're going to make that commitment, it lasts beyond that Valentine's Day, right? All right.

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