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CNN Live Saturday

Interview With Neil Clark Warren

Aired March 16, 2002 - 12:26   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
FREDRICKA WHITFIELD, CNN ANCHOR: Last month President Bush unveiled a $19 billion welfare plan. Among other things, it includes a push for two-parent families. Some people, including relationship experts, have qualms with that.

In his book, "Date or Soul Mate," Author Dr. Neil Clark Warren lays out the variables that must exist to have a healthy relationship, and variables cannot be forced. He joins us now from Los Angeles to talk about some of those variables.

So it's not -- you're not that excited about the idea of any kind of relationship being forced or the result of pressure for tax incentives. Instead you say that, you know, the marriage really has to involve some of the basics, such as love and special connection, right?

DR. NEIL CLARK WARREN, AUTHOR: Well, that's right, Fredricka. I have to tell you that a bad marriage is a thousand times worse than no marriage, but on the other hand I want to tell you that I am very supportive of President Bush's eagerness to get children into two- person stable marriages. And I think the way you do that is to help people marry the right people on the front end, so that they can be genuinely happy and loving throughout the life of the marriage.

WHITFIELD: You have penned a number of books on relationships, finding the love of your life, how to know if someone is worth pursuing in two dates or less, and now "Date or Soul Mate." Why did you feel that now is the time to have a "Date or Soul Mate" book?

WARREN: Well, I've got to tell you the poll that was taken by George Gallup and his organization back in May that indicated that 94 percent of Gen Xers want to marry their soul mate; 88 percent of them said that they are willing to do really hard work to bring that about. And we think now about at eharmony.com that we have a way to help them do that. We have a matching model that consists of 29 key dimensions, and if we help people get matched on those 29 dimensions, they have so much a better chance of making the marriage work.

WHITFIELD: OK. Well, let's get to some of those 29. We can't show everybody all 29, but we have a few of them for you. Absence of emotional red flags. What do you mean by that?

WARREN: Well, that's absolutely crucial, Fredricka. I mean, if you marry someone who has an emotional health problem or you do, then your marriage will never be stronger than the emotional health of the least healthy partner. So what you want to do is marry somebody who has a good self-conception, who really has a good ability to be unselfish in a relationship. That will make such a difference to you.

WHITFIELD: But you're not saying that you have to be of the like. You can't -- you don't necessarily have to be just like one another, do you?

WARRN: Oh, no, no, no. As a matter of fact, what we know is that similarities make for stronger marriages, but you don't want to be a clone of somebody else. We have 50 important similarities. And we say if you're in the upper 30s or lower 40s on that list of 50, you'll have a lot fewer things to negotiate and compromise about.

WHITFIELD: OK. Let's get to one of the other items on the list, obstreperousness? What is that?

WARREN: Obstreperousness is...

WHITFIELD: Well, no wonder, I pronounced it wrong. What does it mean?

WARREN: Well, I know, that's OK. That's a hard word. But I got to tell you, we have 10 million persons who fall into a personality category known as -- they are just very critical about everything. And every time you turn around, you are not quite good enough, and you can't really please them. They won't let you go. You don't want to get married to a person like that. You want them to get that taken care of before you have to get involved in an intimate relationship with them.

WHITFIELD: OK. We are running out of time, but maybe we have time for just one more really quickly. Energy? You've got to have very similar energy?

WARREN: Yes, you need to have similar energy. But I've got to tell you something quickly, Fredricka, and that is that a person -- if you want to find out if you are emotionally healthy, and if you want to find out what you have to bring to a relationship, get on eharmony and take this 45 minute survey. It costs nothing, and you get a five- page profile of yourself, your own strengths and your weaknesses, the kind of person you should pursue, and if you will pursue a person like that, you have a great chance to have a wonderful, lasting marriage. And you will never do anything better for your eventual children than to marry somebody who could be a happy person for you in your life with your family.

WHITFIELD: OK. And two other things that were on your list of 29 of variables, appearance being one, meaning you should kind of have the same grade level of appearance. One is casual, you know, the other is a very formal person. You don't want that combination. And then ambition. You have to share the same ambition.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, thank you so much.

WARREN: Thank you, Fredricka. WHITFIELD: We appreciate it. And the book is "Date or Soul Mate" on the book stands now. Thanks a lot.

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