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Glenn Beck

Cannes Film Festival Pans "Da Vinci Code"; Who`s Next on "American Idol"?; Single Soldier Adopts Iraqi Child; Legal Roundup with Roe Conn

Aired May 17, 2006 - 19:00   ET


ANNOUNCER: The following program contains absolutely no discussion on immigration. If Glenn Beck hears one more word about a virtual fence or guest worker visas, he will shoot himself in the face.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: (speaking foreign language)

GLENN BECK, HOST: Hola. It is me, the big, fat gringo.

Instead of immigration today, we`re going to be talking about something much more annoying. I like to call it France.

The new movie "The Da Vinci Code," premiered at the Cannes film festival in France yesterday. The French critics gave it two snotty, judgmental thumbs down. Sacre bleu. If the French really hate it, you know what that means. That means I`m going to love it. This movie`s going to be friggin` awesome.

After all, the Cannes film festival or as I like to call it, the al Qaeda of cinema, have heaped praise on movies such as "Under Satan`s Son", "The Taste of Cherry" -- that one`s from Iran -- and, of course, the unforgettable classic, "Elephant." What do all these movies have in common? You know, other than winning the grand prize at Cannes? You`ve never heard of any of them.

Oh, and what movie has Cannes honored in 2004? Yes, you got it, "Fahrenheit 9/11." Need I say more?

I was actually kind of excited to see "The Da Vinci Code" before, but now that it`s got the seal of disapproval from the French, I`m camping outside for tickets. Because I think the people who think that this is cinematic genius, clearly have absolutely no clue as to what they`re talking about.

Christy Lemire, she is the movie critic from the Associated Press. She`s seen the movie. Do the French have it wrong, Christy?

CHRISTY LEMIRE, MOVIE CRITIC, ASSOCIATED PRESS: Well, the thing is, it`s not just the French critics. They were showing it in France first. But there were British critics there. There were American critics there.

BECK: Right.

LEMIRE: And I saw it in New York yesterday with a bunch of critics inside the Ziegfeld Theater, the cavernous, beautiful historic Ziegfeld Theater.

BECK: Yes.

LEMIRE: And no one liked it there, either. So I think it`s sort of an international phenomenon.

BECK: You`re kidding me?

LEMIRE: I`m not.

BECK: OK, hang on just a second. Because you`re like a movie critic person, right?

LEMIRE: Right. Some snob, right.

BECK: I never trusted you. "And I saw it in New York at the historic Ziegfeld."

LEMIRE: Right.

BECK: Let me just run down a couple of movies, just to see your face, to see if I can trust you on this. OK?


BECK: "English Patient"?

LEMIRE: Yes, long, stuffy, boring...

BECK: Yes, you wanted to hang yourself. Right? You were rooting for the guy to, like, you know, be shot up with morphine 10 minutes into it. Right?

LEMIRE: Next, yes.

BECK: OK. "Princess Bride."

LEMIRE: A very important part of film from my childhood. Not to make you feel old, but I can quote entire chunks.

BECK: OK. Good. That`s good. "The Rock", good or bad.

LEMIRE: "The Rock". What, the prison escape? Yes, I`m not into big shoot them up.

BECK: "Spider-Man" one or two, which one was better?

LEMIRE: The second one is better, actually.

BECK: Wow.

LEMIRE: So the sequel is better than the first, I think.

BECK: You have credibility.

LEMIRE: Thanks.

BECK: Wait a minute. Your last name?

LEMIRE: Lemire. It`s my husband`s name. It`s French Canadian.

BECK: OK. All right. So there`s no French blood in you? Because I`m starting -- you`re having a lot of credibility with me now.

LEMIRE: No, I`m Irish. I don`t get tan.

BECK: So what`s the problem with the movie?

LEMIRE: It`s -- the problem is, they tried to condense this very intricate and very dense novel, which 60 million people have read. Everyone knows all the details. And in trying to get it all in, it feels really cursory and really rushed, I think.

And so part of the fun of reading the book is that you`re right along with them, with Robert and Sophie, and trying to piece together all the details and the clues. Here, it`s like Tom Hanks sees the words on the wall of the Louvre. He sees "So dark the con of man." And he goes, "Oh, it`s an anagram. Let`s move on." And part of the fun of the book is trying to figure that out.

BECK: OK. So wait a minute. Hang on. If you didn`t read the book or -- because I read the Harry Potter books. I like the movies. My children hate the movies.

LEMIRE: Right.

BECK: Because "it`s wrecked the book." Can you still watch it? I mean, if you`re not one of those freaks that are: "It was not true to the book", will you like it?

LEMIRE: People feel proprietary about the book. People go on "Da Vinci Code" vacations to go trace back through all of the places they went. I think if you haven`t read the book, it won`t make you want to go out and read the book.

BECK: Wow.

LEMIRE: It`s two and a half hours long. It`s very dense. A lot of talk about history and religion. And -- yes.

BECK: While we`re on the religion thing, the Catholic Church, the protests. Do you think that`s helping or hurting this movie? I think it`s helping.

LEMIRE: It can do nothing but help. I mean, look at "The Passion of the Christ".

BECK: Right.

LEMIRE: Whether you went to be appalled or to have your faith reaffirmed...

BECK: Sure.

LEMIRE: ... people went. And they went over and over again. They went in groups. And I think no matter what the critics say, no matter what protests are going on all over the world. I mean, India is banning this. Like, Thailand is asking that 10 minutes of it being cut out.

BECK: Oh, please.

LEMIRE: People will still go see it.

BECK: Yes, I know. In India, they`re on a hunger strike. Have you ever been to an Indian restaurant? You ain`t giving up that much.


BECK: Christy, thanks a lot. I appreciate it

LEMIRE: Thank you.

BECK: You bet.

ANNOUNCER: This is Glenn Beck.

BECK: All right. Now, "American Idol", jam-packed with excitement last night. There was Elliott, Katharine and of course, my favorite, Taylor. They each sang three songs with varying degrees of success.

First, let`s start with Elliott. This is his last song. I heard this, and I thought this guy`s lost. There`s no way. Could he have picked a more obscure song to sing? Let me ask you this, Elliott? Was Wang Chung, the whole catalogue, all used up? Actually, that probably would have worked out a little better for him.

Katharine had a nice moment singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Here`s a little bit of this. This is tremendous. Absolutely tremendous. I don`t know why she has to sing it while lying down on the ground. Has she fallen and couldn`t get up? I don`t know. But if you`re -- if you`re lucky enough to make it to the finals, I just -- let me point out, Katharine, I mean, sit up. What do you say? Just sit up. It`s a little creepy.

And finally, Taylor had a great night. The first -- the first song he sang I didn`t think was that good, but then he -- the next two were great. He -- unfortunately for him, I think he looks older and fatter each week. But I think that`s why I like him so much, because it`s kind of like watching me each week.

Last night I`ll tell you the truth, my wife said to me at the end, she said, "Well, should we vote?" I`m glad she asked. Only for her sake, I said yes. Twenty-seven times. I know I have a problem.

Kimberly Caldwell is with us. She is host of "Idol Tonight" on the TV Guide Channel.

Hello. How are you?


BECK: So I just want to point out, I mean, I`m not -- I`m not gloating here, but you were wrong last week.

CALDWELL: You`re always gloating.

BECK: And I was right.

CALDWELL: What are you talking about?

BECK: You know...

CALDWELL: I know I was so wrong.

BECK: Yes, you were.

CALDWELL: Tell me right now that the competition did not miss Chris last night. It did.

BECK: It did. There`s really only one star of the show, and that is Chris.

CALDWELL: And it was Chris.

BECK: Yes.

CALDWELL: And he`s gone and I`m so, so, so sad.

BECK: So who do you think is going to go tonight?

CALDWELL: So I think that it will probably be Elliott, even though vocally he is my favorite.

BECK: Vocally he`s mine as well. Yes.

CALDWELL: Vocally, he is my favorite, for sure. But I think that the Katharine and the Taylor fans are really, really, really loyal fans.

BECK: Yes.

CALDWELL: So I think they -- I think that they`ll probably go to the finals.

BECK: OK. Elliott is just going to go. Can we roll the tape? -- Elliott -- roll the tape here. This exchange, when I saw this at the beginning of the show, I knew Elliott was done. And here it is.


SIMON COWELL, JUDGE, FOX`S "AMERICAN IDOL": Let me give you some advice, young man. You have got to start to loosen up and start believing that you can make the finals next week. You can do better than that.



BECK: Then he`s saying this. Listen to this exchange.


RYAN SEACREST, HOST, FOX`S "AMERICAN IDOL": Do you feel loose tonight?

YAMIN: I`m about to get loose, yes.

SEACREST: Do you believe that you can be at the finals?

YAMIN: I do. I believe more than ever now.


BECK: Stop, stop, stop. He doesn`t believe it at all.

CALDWELL: No, he doesn`t.

BECK: He doesn`t believe it at all. If you don`t believe you belong there...

CALDWELL: You know what? Last week, Elliott was so on his game.

BECK: He was great.

CALDWELL: And I think he changed the entire competition.

BECK: Yes, he did.

CALDWELL: And he is the reason that Chris is gone, is because he was so good last week. And this week, he came in like "I don`t know if I can do it." And I mean, he was awesome, still. Vocally, I mean, I love, love, love Elliott`s voice, but you have to have that presence on stage, you know? You have to, like, really, really be able to connect with the audience.

BECK: Right.

CALDWELL: And I don`t -- I think that there is a lack of that.

BECK: By the way, if you just tuned in late to the program, I want you to know, we`re intentionally not talking about immigration. Because I want to kill myself.

CALDWELL: I heard that. I like that. That`s cute.

BECK: Yes, well, you know, and welcome to the program.

CALDWELL: You can do what you want. It`s your own show.

BECK: That`s right.

CALDWELL: Exactly.

BECK: At least until about another half hour. Let me ask you this about Katharine. She has got a problem, man. What is with women singers? They think that if they just add more notes to a song, it`s better. Have you ever heard anybody over sing as much as she does?

CALDWELL: Yes, I mean for sure. Everybody over sings. Everybody over sings. But I mean, the fact that Simon said, you know, keep it simple.

BECK: Right.

CALDWELL: Like, when she keeps it simple, her voice is so rich.

BECK: This...

CALDWELL: And it`s so good and she`s so amazing. And I mean, she`s so on top of her game on the floor. Right? Every time she`s on the floor, she`s on top of her game. It`s like Katharine she should do the entire finale on the floor, for sure.

BECK: I will tell you -- I will tell you here, on this song, when she was singing this song, I mean, it made the hair stand up on my arm.


BECK: She is just really tremendous.

CALDWELL: And on top of that, she`s stunning to look at, you know?

BECK: Well, that, yes. That made the hair on my back stand up. Which...

CALDWELL: It was a total moment for her. And she was -- yes, that is really gross that you have hair on her back.

BECK: I actually don`t. I`m just saying.

CALDWELL: I get mine waxed.

BECK: Right.

CALDWELL: Just get it waxed.

BECK: So Taylor, I really -- if he next week stays in that soul kind of mood -- this thing that he was doing by Bruce Springsteen, I mean, please. I don`t ever want see anyone do this. It just looks stupid.

CALDWELL: I think you should do it right now.

BECK: There. I mean, stop it. But when he`s singing soul, there`s just nobody better.

CALDWELL: Yes, I mean, Taylor is, you know, so unique. And there is only one of Taylor Hicks in the entire world, and I think that`s why everybody has fallen in love with him. And I think that why he may take home the crown this year. I think that he`s possibly the next "American Idol". I would have gone with Chris, but I think that Taylor, you know, is -- is possibly going to take it all.

BECK: There you go. Kim, see you next week. Thanks for stopping by.

CALDWELL: See you next week. Bye.

BECK: Bye-bye.



CALLER: Even though we say it`s a fiction -- fictitious novel, you know, there are parts that, you know, Dan Brown claims is true.

BECK: Right.

CALLER: So this is like -- I don`t know, it just plants seeds in people`s minds.

BECK: See, I`ve got to tell you, I am not afraid of knowledge. The apple was not a bad thing. The apple brought us where we are. We should not fear questioning. We should embrace questioning.

And then you should put it into perspective. Did you see "The Money Pit"? Did that harm your view of homeownership?


BECK: Actually, it kind of did with me.

Earlier today, Captain Scott Southworth was honored in Washington, D.C., with the General MacArthur Leadership Award. This salutes officers who demonstrate the ideals of General MacArthur, which are duty, honor and country.

But I think there`s something else that Scott should be recognized for, and that`s for being a father and a real American hero.


BECK (voice-over): It`s Monday morning and Scott Southworth is doing what he does every day, getting his son Allah (ph) ready for school. A typical routine, just not a typical family.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It`s not too bad, like yesterday.

BECK: It`s hard to believe that less than three years ago, this father and son were strangers.

SCOTT SOUTHWORTH, ADOPTED IRAQI CHILD: We met on September 6 of 2003.

BECK: You see, Scott Southworth is a soldier. While stationed in Iraq, he spent much of his free time volunteering at a Baghdad orphanage.

SOUTHWORTH: You`re in a war zone, and you`re seeing so many horrible, terrible things happening. To be able and go and work with those children and see the laughing and the smiling and get a chance to play children`s games with the kids really helped -- helped bring some levity to all us in that war zone.

BECK: And that is exactly where he first laid eyes on Allah (ph).

SOUTHWORTH: He can`t walk, so he pulled himself with his arms all the way over to where I was sitting. And then he grabbed my watch and told me all about the generator and the air conditioner and didn`t want me to leave.

BECK: It was in that moment that Scott knew that his life would be forever changed.

SOUTHWORTH: I believe Allah (ph) knew immediately that I was his dad, and I think he knew what was going to happen in the end.

BECK: And so it went, that Scott Southworth began the process of adopting an Iraqi child. For most people, it would be an insurmountable feat. For Scott Southworth and his soon-to-be son, it was fate.

SOUTHWORTH: We got notification from the U.S. government that humanitarian parole would have been approved, and within just a matter of hours I purchased the plane tickets to fly direct from and back to the United States. And then I went into almost 24-hour mode, working with the U.S. embassy in Baghdad.

BECK: But bringing Allah (ph) to the U.S. was just the beginning. You see, Scott`s a single guy, raising Allah (ph) on his own, and Allah (ph) has cerebral palsy. The odds were already stacked against them.

SOUTHWORTH: Didn`t have enough money. Not capable of caring for a disabled child with cerebral palsy. Not married yet. Damper on my social life. My career.

BECK: Despite all the reasons why not, Scott went with his heart.

SOUTHWORTH: What I realize is that every one of those reasons was an excuse, an excuse that I would have felt very ashamed to give him. And so I decided that if I was going to feel ashamed for eternity and I was going to worry about him every day of my life here on earth, then there was only one option, and that was to go get him.

BECK: Raising a child with cerebral palsy presents hardships on any parent. But instead of considering CP as a disability, Scott and Allah (ph) chose to embrace it.

SOUTHWORTH: I don`t look at Allah (ph) as a disabled child. And Allah (ph) doesn`t stigmatize himself as being disabled.

BECK: And when people feel sorry for him, he turns it around with a smile.

SOUTHWORTH: We do joke a little bit, you know, try to put some levity for people that give us those sympathizing looks, you know, the "Oh, you know, your poor child is in a wheelchair." And so I always lighten the mood a bit by saying things like, "Well, my child does have cerebral palsy, but his favorite food is broccoli."

BECK: Beside their shared taste for veggies, music has become a source of inspiration that Scott and Allah (ph) share.

SOUTHWORTH: We really found that being in the church choir, for instance, at Christmastime was just a great thing.

BECK: It`s been a couple years now, and Allah`s (ph) progress in school is nothing short of remarkable. The other kids have taken a liking to teaching Allah (ph) all the things he never learned in Iraq.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He learned, like, how to add one plus one. And mixing colors, and he knows two of them already. How to tie your shoes and your ABC`s.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He`s really fun, and he makes me laugh. It`s nice having him around.

BECK: As for Scott`s bachelor status, I think he may have found himself a wingman.

SOUTHWORTH: I remember telling people that he was somewhat of a chick magnet. He`s much better looking than I am, so I think the girls take to him pretty well. I`m just kind of a sidekick.

BECK: Forget the obstacles. Forget the hardships. Just spend a little time with this family, and you`ll quickly see you don`t have to be typical to be a family. And every once in awhile, determination and love really can overcome anything.

SOUTHWORTH: We acknowledge that he can`t walk. We acknowledge that he has cerebral palsy. The one thing about our relationship is, is that I accept him for who he is, and he accepts me for who I am.


BECK: Jean Smart from "24" will join us in a minute.


BECK: Well, if you tune into radio in Chicago, you listen to 890 WLS and in the afternoon you can hear Roe Conn, who is back with us today.

Let`s talk a little. Let`s talk a little court case, kind of in a fashion Nancy Grace probably wouldn`t do. Let`s start with the "Survivor" that`s now going to prison.

ROE CONN, RADIO TALK SHOW HOST: Glenn, this is an amazing story. Richard Hatch -- remember him -- back in 2000, he wins a million dollars from CBS. Now here`s the deal. He doesn`t pay any taxes on it. He claims that CBS paid the taxes.

BECK: Sure.

CONN: Well, the IRS calls him, and they say, "Hey, you have to pay the taxes."

"No, no, no, I don`t have to pay the taxes. CBS paid the taxes."

They go, "No one has paid the taxes. You pay the taxes."

He for four years fights this, says, "No, no, no. I don`t owe the taxes. I don`t know anything about business." Although wasn`t he a motivational, like, corporate speaker before he was on there?

BECK: I just remember him being naked, and it was disturbing. And quite honestly, I don`t use this word very often, but it applies here, icky. You know? So I don`t know the whole story.

CONN: He had man boobs.

BECK: Well, I mean, so do I, baby. Let me ask you this.

Let me ask you this, Roe. Have you ever received any kind of payment for anything where somebody else paid the taxes? Because if so, I want in on some of that.

CONN: Right. Never. Never. And the thing is he stuck by his story so long, and he ticked off the judge. The judge banged him with a four year, three month sentence.

BECK: Might -- you might want to rephrase that whole sentence, if you would.

CONN: Hit him with a four year, three month sentence.

BECK: Just trying to be clean here.

Yes, so he`s in -- he`s going to be probably, maybe a little busy in prison. He`s, you know, going to be there for four years now. Do you have any idea, is there any chance of him getting out early?

CONN: I hope not.

BECK: Yes.

CONN: I really hope not.

BECK: You know, you would think to yourself, geez, for whatever it was, for the 40 percent, you know, probably not worth the four years in prison, you know, and the four years build up to it.

CONN: Right. Well, I mean, think about that. It`s $1 million. You know, it`s what, $350,000, $400,000. You just set that aside. You pay it to them. And then you never have to worry about, you know, sharing a cell with some guy from Enron.

BECK: Right. It`s not a problem. Not a problem.

All right. Next story.

CONN: All right. Next guy, Sean Eckman. Now Sean Eckman, unlike Richard Hatch, he`s a rule follower. He is a 29-year-old teacher in South Houston, Texas. He goes to the principal`s office. He goes to his boss`s office and he says, "Hey, I`d like to take a 17-year-old senior to the prom."

BECK: Well, what`s wrong with that? I mean, how old? Twenty-nine years old?

CONN: He`s 29. She`s 17. Of course, she`s a senior at the high school. Now I would love to have, like, some security camera of what the principal looked like when this request was being made.

BECK: The guy was trying to be on the up and up. He didn`t know. Is this bad? Can we do this?

You know, I would say to all teachers, may I just put this blanket statement out, leave our children alone. Can you do that? Teach them. Don`t make sweet tender love to them. Or even take them dancing.

But honestly. Maybe it`s just me. I`m kind of weird. I`m a dad of three daughters. I`m a little weird on that.

Roe, we`ll see you next week, brother.

CONN: Great to see you, Glenn. Bye-bye.



BECK: Sometimes sex needs to be hot. But other times, there is nothing more beautiful than making love to your wife.



BECK: Sometimes sex needs to be hot. But other times, there is nothing more beautiful than making love to your wife. I believe about half of the audience just scurried for a garbage can. I understand; if you need to vomit, you can vomit. I get it.

Am I wrong or is it just that it`s coming out of my mouth that makes it so vominous?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Are you wrong that everyone`s scurrying for a garbage can? Absolutely not. You said a lot of things I don`t agree with, Glenn, but you are on the money on that one.


BECK: All right, conspiracy theories, sure, they`re fun. They help us keep that dream alive that someday we really will walk on the moon and that, next Christmas, your stocking could be stuffed with an Elvis comeback album.

Actually, some aren`t so fun. Ever since 9/11, a bunch of "theorists" -- otherwise known as people with active imaginations, no common sense, and a lot of time on their hands -- have insisted that explosives inside the World Trade Center brought the towers down, that all the victims in the first plane really didn`t die, because there were no passengers, and that no plane ever hit the Pentagon.


ANNOUNCER: ... 125 feet wide and 44 feet tall allegedly crashed into the Pentagon on September 11th.


BECK: Allegedly? I think yesterday, by releasing this video, the government seems to have taken care of that one in about 10 seconds flat. Or did it? Did it? Did it?

There`s a documentary you can get off of a Web site, but for some reason, they`re not letting you buy it at Blockbuster, and now available is a director`s cut that insist all of it is a hoax.

Dave Vonkleist, you produced it. Tell me, sir, how is this not a plane right there? Could we freeze that and show that box? How`s that not a plane? That`s either -- that`s a big, white object of some sort that`s either...


BECK: ... either a plane or a naked Michael Moore headed for the buffet.

VONKLEIST: It`s something, there`s no doubt about it. But the question is: Definitively, is it Flight 77? And according to the military experts that have seen our video, "9/11 in Plane Sight," it is absolutely not, and that`s according to a two-star general, General Albert Stubblebine, with 30 years experience, in charge of photo analysis at the Pentagon, and also Colonel George Nelson, United States Air Force, with 30 years experience identifying aircraft and aircraft parts.

BECK: So if it`s not a plane, what is it exactly?

VONKLEIST: I don`t know. I didn`t say it was a 757 that hit the Pentagon. That was, of course, the mainstream media, the networks, et cetera, et cetera. The question is, if that is Flight 77, a Boeing 757, how do we explain the photographs and the video footage that to this point has not really been addressed in an open and honest forum in the mainstream media?

BECK: What needs to be addressed? There is the plane. Let me ask you this...

VONKLEIST: There is something. And I`m trying to...


BECK: Where are the passengers?

VONKLEIST: It`s really interesting that you couch this entire interview by saying conspiracy theorist, but at no time am I theorizing anything. I`m basing my questions...

BECK: I`ve got to tell you...

VONKLEIST: I`m basing my questions on evidence and photographic evidence and video evidence. And we`re simply asking questions.

BECK: Hang on just a second. Hang on just a second. That`s part of the problem: You don`t have a theory. You`re saying, "It could be a plane. It could be a big, white elephant." It looks like a plane. That`s the most common-sense kind of idea, that is a plane. Give me an idea of what it would be if it`s not a plane.

VONKLEIST: Well, like I said, if I was to try to tell you what I thought it was, then I would be dabbling in conspiracy theory, and that`s not what we`re about.

BECK: I got you.


VONKLEIST: The point is that the military experts that we`ve spoken to say that the damage that you see at the Pentagon before the collapse -- and we have one of the photographs here; they showed that in that brief clip. And here`s the photograph, one of the many photographs taken before the collapse of the E-Ring.

Now, this photograph, for the most part, has been ignored by the mainstream media. It clearly shows the roof line is still intact. It shows that the place had not collapsed yet. It also shows the lawn is untouched. And, most importantly, you show me where there is a hole big enough for a 757 and is there any wreckage?

BECK: Real quick question: Have you talked to any military personnel, General Partin for one, that will tell you that it was a plane?

VONKLEIST: That`s very curious you would bring up General Partin, because, in his interview with the John Birch Society magazine, "The New American," he stated that the entire plane vaporized. And yet Jamie McIntyre on CNN yesterday stated that he had photographed pieces of the cockpit and the fuselage, and Jamie McIntyre also stated on September 11th that, upon his close inspection, there were no pieces of recognizable wreckage from any type of a large aircraft. He`s stated that there was no fuselage, there were no wings, no engines, nothing that you could recognize as a large aircraft. There were a lot of small, metal pieces.

BECK: There were some people that were protesting outside of the Time Warner Center a couple of weeks ago about the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, and they claimed that America, the government has hired Osama bin Laden, and they know this. They`ve hired an actor to play Osama bin Laden because he has two noses.

My question to you, Dave: How much are we paying that actor?

VONKLEIST: I wouldn`t know anything about that.

BECK: Wouldn`t know anything -- let me ask you this.

VONKLEIST: Not at all.

BECK: Let me ask you this: What`s in Area 51? Is it aliens or office supplies?

VONKLEIST: Well, actually I hear there`s a whole host of Elvis impersonators there that fly around in black helicopters. You can bring that up, too. What you`re doing here is the same thing that so many talk show hosts do: You ignore the message by attacking the messenger and trying to make...


BECK: No, I`m not attacking...


BECK: You seem like a reasonable human being. I just do not believe this at all, I`ve got to tell you. I have friends -- a guy who works for me, in fact, that has a friend that witnessed the plane, saw it with his own eyes. I think you are a nut job, but, strangely enough, a serious nut job. Dave, I thank you very much. Appreciate it.

VONKLEIST: Thank you. Check it out at "9/11 in Plane Sight."

BECK: Thanks.

All right, let`s go "Straight to the Hill," Erica Hill, the anchor of "PRIME NEWS" on Headline News.

How are you, Erica?

ERICA HILL, CNN HEADLINE NEWS ANCHOR: I`m doing all right, Glenn. How are you?

BECK: Good. You know, Mike, I hear that you actually don`t believe that there was -- Mike, I have to go out of the shot to see Mike, because he`s actually one of our cameramen. You don`t believe that the planes hit the World Trade Center. Is that it? What was it that...

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No, I believe the planes hit, but there`s definitely some unexplained things about that day.

BECK: Unexplained things. You know, you`re not going all the way to there were no Jews in the building and they were all called, were you?


BECK: OK, good, because that scares me. That kind of stuff scares me.

Erica, what`s happening in the world of news today?

HILL: Well, apparently -- speaking of things that might scare you -- driving in Miami could do it. It turns out that drivers in Miami get a little heated behind the wheel, according to a new survey from AutoVantage. They top the list of the worst road rage offenders in the U.S., followed by Phoenix, New York, L.A. and Boston.

Now, as for the cities with the nicest drivers, Minneapolis takes the cake, followed by Nashville, St. Louis, Seattle and Atlanta.

BECK: Of course, Minneapolis is at the top. Your hands are too cold to work all your fingers, you know what I`m saying?

HILL: There you go.


HILL: Or as Robin Meade said this morning, it`s too card to even get out of the car to mess with somebody. So there you go.

BECK: Sure, please, like you`re rolling the window down to yell at somebody in Minneapolis.

HILL: Not in the winter, you`re not.

BECK: Right.

HILL: All right. This one also getting a lot of play. Might want to sit down for it.

Paul McCartney and his wife, Heather Mills, apparently the most overused line of the day -- drum roll please -- "cannot work it out."

BECK: Oh, shoot.

HILL: Yes. They issued a joint statement today announcing the separation, which is supposedly amicable, and they blame the media, in part, noting that they have found it, quote, "increasingly difficult to maintain a normal relationship with constant intrusion into our private lives."

BECK: Give it a rest, Paul. Give it a rest. No, I`ve got to tell you, when I first heard this story, there are so many really tasteless jokes to make here, but out of respect for you, Erica, because you have credibility...

HILL: Because I`m one classy broad or what?

BECK: No, you are. You`ve got class, credibility. I`m going to give a 10-second period for everybody in the audience to make their own crass joke on this. Go.

All right, I think that`s enough.

HILL: I think that`s enough.

BECK: OK, Erica, quickly, one last story.

HILL: OK, moving on, last story for you.

For a lot of us -- I mean, you remember recess. It was definitely the best part of your day, right?

BECK: Yes.

HILL: Well, apparently, a lot of people concerned it may not be around for much longer. The Cartoon Network and the national PTA are launching the "Rescuing Recess Campaign." They`ve got kids involved, writing letters, saying, "Hey, just let us have some play time."

BECK: You know what? Let me tell you this. I so agree with them. In fact, I`m bringing in my rug and my little carton of milk tomorrow in the middle of the show. We`re breaking.

HILL: There you go.

BECK: We`re breaking.

HILL: Don`t forget, by the way, the Cartoon Network is also owned by our parent company, Time Warner. We have to disclose that.

BECK: Sure, we do. I don`t know why, but we do. Thanks a lot, Erica. Bye-bye.



JEAN SMART, MARTHA LOGAN, "24": Are you going to shoot the first lady? Who are you calling?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Mrs. Logan, this is my last warning.


BECK: I think we can all agree the pill-popping first lady, Martha Logan, having a very, very bad day. But the actress who plays her is having one of the best 24 hours of her life. The season finale is coming up Monday, two-hour episode.

Jean Smart, welcome to the program. Glad to have you here.

SMART: Thank you. Thank you.

BECK: You are absolutely tremendous. You deserve an Emmy for -- no, no, no. I`m a big fan of the show. This is not to slam anybody else on the show, but you are the star of the season. Great stuff. Does it bother you that you`re so good at playing somebody nuts and drunk?

SMART: My husband doesn`t -- my husband will give you a better answer than me.

BECK: But he`d probably tell me that it`s not a real stretch or...

SMART: Not a stretch. No. No, I`m having a ball. I have the best job in Hollywood.

BECK: Were you a fan -- I asked Gregory Itzin this a couple of weeks ago or last week -- were you a fan of the show before you got on the show?

SMART: No, only because I hadn`t watched it. If I had watched it, I would have been a fan, because this big box of videotapes arrived at my door when they offered me the job. And it was season four. And my son and I sat down and started watching it, and that was it.

BECK: How do you watch it now? If you`re on a show like this, do you sit down with the family and you watch it when it comes out?

SMART: We do. That`s exactly what we do. And I`ve never done that with anything else. I usually don`t watch things I`m in. I`ve done movies that I`ve never seen, but this is just so much fun to watch. And I love everybody on it so much.

BECK: They`re mini-movies. It`s the only TV show that I`ve ever seen -- you know, they just announced they`re going to make a movie, going to film it out in London.

SMART: How are they going to do that, though?

BECK: You know, and it`s the only thing I`ve ever seen that I thought, nah, you know...

SMART: How can they do it in real-time? I wonder what they`re going to do.

BECK: Yes, I don`t know. And I don`t know that I`m really interested to see a movie, because these are like mini-movies. They`re just so well- done, so well-produced.

SMART: I trust them that they`ll make it work, whatever it is. I`m curious to see.

BECK: Yes. Have you ever been a part or can you think of a TV show where the fans -- well, you probably know just that the fans -- maybe it`s just me. I don`t want to know anything about the future. I don`t want to know if you make it back. You know, the fans are very protective. I have a friend who actually -- like he`s four, puts his fingers in his ears if you`re talking and he hadn`t seen the episode, doesn`t want to know anything.

SMART: My son does that. When they put on the scenes for next week, he turns it off. He doesn`t even want to see the...


SMART: I have scripts laying all over the house for the finale and neither one of them will even go near them.

BECK: Really? Do you know if you`re coming back?

SMART: Well, you`re assuming...

BECK: Don`t tell me. I don`t want to know. Do you know at this point if you`re coming back or not?

SMART: Now, but I can`t answer -- think about that.

BECK: No, no, you can answer that you know if you`re going to come back or not. Yes, I do know that I`m coming back or not.

SMART: Or not....

BECK: Do you know?


BECK: Really?

SMART: Wait. No, yes, no.

BECK: This is not -- this is really.

SMART: Stop.

BECK: This is really bad. You have been in this season. I don`t think you`ve actually been in the same room with Kiefer Sutherland, have you?


BECK: How weird is that, to be -- you play such a huge role.

SMART: Well, there really are two different worlds, the western White House and CTU. I mean, even the president has only had a couple of encounters with Jack.

BECK: Right.

SMART: But, yes, that`s the biggest disappointment of not doing scenes with some of the fabulous people in CTU.

BECK: Right. A couple of days ago, the episode where you were with Aaron and you were in the barn, and you shot the Secret Service...

SMART: You cut it just before that. My son was thrilled.

BECK: You were tremendous in that. What a powerful, powerful scene.

SMART: Thank you.

BECK: With that being said, what`s going on with you and Aaron? No, seriously.

SMART: You know, it`s funny, because people -- they sort of suggested that there might be something. And...

BECK: Oh, it`s like you were at New Year`s Eve, and the countdown, and you turned around and you were like, "Oh, well, Aaron, let`s make out." That`s what it`s like.

SMART: But, well, when your husband tries to blow you up and another guy comes along and saves your life...

BECK: I know, I know.

SMART: It tends to color the way you look at those two men.

BECK: Sure. So are you saying there hasn`t -- there`s nothing that you know of at this point?

SMART: Well, I think there`s -- there actually was a scene between us that got cut where Aaron said something that led Martha to believe that he had feelings for her. And that scene was gone, but the audience seems to have picked up all sorts of stuff, so they`re kind of...

BECK: Oh, yes. There was that one scene where you looked at him and you were holding his arm too long or something like that. I think the president...

SMART: That was right after the scene that got cut.

BECK: Yes, yes. How difficult is this show to do for continuity? I mean, I`ve never caught a flaw. It`s one day. And besides, I mean, the bladder infections that would be going on, nobody goes to the bathroom.


Besides that, how hard is it?

SMART: That`s why we`re all so upset.

BECK: I know. "Can I have five minutes to go to the bathroom, please?"

SMART: That`s why she`s taking so many pills.

BECK: How hard is it for the continuity? Have you ever thought of just slipping something in? "I`m just going to wear a different"...

SMART: I tried to slip in a yawn, you know? I think it was around midnight or 1:00 a.m.

BECK: No yawning in a 24-hour period, no yawning.

SMART: And they didn`t say that they cut it on purpose, but they certainly did not use that take.

BECK: Right. I got it. I have to tell you, I was watching I think it was this last week, and I`m watching it, and I thought, "OK, I mean, how much more would you" -- well, you know what it was?

SMART: It`s because they literally don`t want to take the time. Even a sip of coffee takes away precious time from something else they would rather use.

BECK: Right. But it was little things like this. Your husband was walking away. He had just said, you know, whatever it was. "Hey, I didn`t mean to almost kill you today," and you rejected him. And you know the scene where he was walking out, and he`s walking back to go kill himself -- or we think he`s going to kill himself -- and his tie is still up. I`m like, he`s dealt with terrorist, VX gas. He`s had a summit. His wife has, you know, been crazy, then not crazy.

SMART: I thought if you were Republican you had to keep your tie always up.

BECK: Oh, is that what -- oh, is that what it is? Yes, all right. By the way, here`s a clip from -- you`re not going to blow anything on this clip for next week?

SMART: I`ll put dark glasses on. I won`t say a word.

BECK: All right. Here`s a clip from the season finale next week.


GREGORY ITZIN, ACTOR, "24": Come with me.

SMART: I have a better idea.

ITZIN: There`s a helicopter waiting for me.

SMART: Let it wait.

ITZIN: I can`t.

SMART: Yes, you can. You`re the president.


BECK: Oh, and it just grosses me out.


It does. It just grosses me out. If you were going -- if they were going to kill you, how do you hope they kill you? How would you like to go out?

SMART: Oh, big, big, big way, with taking a lot of people with me.

BECK: Yes, really? Yes, the pill thing -- it`s not a good enough ending for you and your character.

SMART: Something heroic. Something heroic.

BECK: Jean Smart from "24," thank you so much. What a pleasure.

SMART: My pleasure.


BECK: Yes, just when you thought this show couldn`t get more stupid, welcome to "Ask Glenn," where you can ask anything about anything to someone who knows a little about a couple of things.

Jake writes in, "Hey, Glenn, I heard your uninformed ranting about alligator zigzags with Erica Hill. If we can`t zigzag away, how do we stop them? Jake, Gainesville."

Good question, Jake. First of all, here`s the clip he`s talking about.


BECK: What is the purpose of an alligator? And I think God designed that thing incorrectly. I mean, he`s got little, teeny, short legs. You can outrun it by running in zigzags.

HILL: No, you can`t. No, you can`t.

BECK: In zigzags, you can. Oh, yes.

HILL: No, you cannot. I talked to Tim Williams from Gatorland yesterday on our show.

BECK: Yes?

HILL: They actually can go up -- I think they can go up to 30 miles an hour almost. They can lung like five feet, and they can get you if you go zigzag.

BECK: Holy cow. It`s a good thing I was never eaten.


BECK: I want you to know: I never intended to slander the alligator. Never. I have always heard that you can run away if you zigzag, but, you know, Erica is the one that knows stuff around here, so I believe her.

But that doesn`t change my view on alligators. With the recent attacks, I think we need to start a campaign to stop them, and here`s my suggestion: insults. We need to berate these gators back into the slimy swamps they crawled out of. And there`s a lot of material to hit them on.

For instance, the jaw of a gator is so strong it can crush the shell of a turtle, but look at this video. I mean, we could tape their mouths shut with electrical tape.

Hey, Mr. Alligator, you know what happens if you try to defeat a lion with a twisty tie? It eats you. You can`t take down a T. Rex with a staple gun. You shouldn`t be able to neutralize a real predator with electrical tape. And the next time you see an alligator, ask him to jump over something with their tiny, little Tom Cruise legs. They can`t. Losers.

Now, now that we`ve stopped the gator attacks with our insult plan, I think we need to think about the future. Let`s start with bees. Bees -- this is such a stupid show -- you`re pathetic. You can sting people, sure, but a real insect, you know, would be able to use its only defense mechanism against mammals without immediately dying afterwards.

Bees are nature`s suicide bombers. They`re cowardly. And if it wasn`t for the honey roasted cashews, we`d take them all out. You should be more like flies. You know what I mean? Flies, these things about born. They land in potato salad. They have a nice summer romance. Two weeks later, while they`re still in the initial infatuation period, they die happy, happy, satisfied with potato salad on their feet. That`s the way to go, isn`t it?

Ah. Made me think of potato salad on my feet.