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Glenn Beck
Students Sue Over Exam; PC Runs Amok; Reality Show Wannabes Eager for Spotlight
Aired May 18, 2006 - 19:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
GLENN BECK, HOST: Well, teachers in Massachusetts no longer using a red pen to correct homework. They`re using a purple pen, because it`s less damaging to the child`s psyche.
So we`ve decided we should come out with our own new grading system, which would make an "F" now an "A." I mean, why discourage our children? "D" is now an "A plus." "C" is still a "C," but it stands for "terrifik," which no longer needs to end with a "C," because spelling doesn`t matter anymore. "B" is now a rainbow, and the kind of hepatitis you learn about in kindergarten. And "A`s" of course have been totally eliminated because of alphabetical hatemongering.
All right. The PC police haven`t taken over this show yet, but it seems like they`re taking over the rest of our country.
In Sacramento, some high school students have actually filed a lawsuit against the state Department of Education. Why? Well, they don`t want to take an English and math exam, you know, the one that every kid needs to take in the whole state to pass to graduate.
The students say that this discriminates against those kids that don`t speak English. Well, so does business in America. Of course, the kids that don`t speak English are going to do worse. It`s an English test.
I flunked out of gym in high school. Does that mean the gym coach was discriminatory for making me play dodge ball? No. It means I suck at sports. And I also, you know, didn`t like showering with other kids, but that`s another creepy story.
You know, I don`t think I could have sued when I was a kid anyway, because as a kid, my family didn`t even know an attorney, let alone hire one. In fact, I think if I ever would have said, "Hey, Mom and Dad, I got an `F.` Can we call an attorney?" My mom, my dad, my grandparents, they would have taken turns hitting me in the lungs with a softball bat.
If our children don`t know the difference between success and failure, hello, we`re crippling them. If this keeps up, you know, we are going to need illegal aliens to come here, because our kids are going to be so stupid they`re not going to even be able to open a candy bar.
Bill Handel is an attorney and host of "Handel on the Law", from KFI in Los Angeles. He`s been following this story -- Bill.
BILL HANDEL, HOST, KFI`S "HANDEL ON THE LAW": Hey, Glenn.
BECK: You know, I was going to ask you, you know, what`s wrong with kids? But kids are just doing what kids do, trying to...
HANDEL: No, it`s not their fault.
BECK: Yes, it`s the parents.
HANDEL: It`s this whole system. This exam, incidentally, which was put into law several years ago and was supposed to be mandatory two years ago, but it was delayed, because again, the discriminatory aspect.
Let me tell you how crazy it is. To graduate high school, you have to pass eighth grade math in California, ninth and tenth grade English. You have six chances to take the exam, and the pass rate, Glenn, is 50 percent. And a minority of students could not pass. They couldn`t speak English, went to court.
An Alameda County judge said, "You`re right. It`s discriminatory because if you don`t speak English, you`re not going to pass. You`ve got to have your high school diploma." And voila, they`re all walking across the aisle this June because it`s now illegal to give the test.
BECK: Bill, let me ask you a question. I want the frickin` job that would actually -- that you could hold down and be successful with, with those kinds of standards. We`re crippling our children.
HANDEL: Can you imagine an employer, and I have a small business here in California. Someone walks in with a California high school diploma right now. I would rather have one in Iraq or Bulgaria before I`ll accept a California diploma. It means nothing. It`s not worth the paper that it`s written on.
You know what? You cut it into four inch squares and you know where you put it? Just in case you run out of that other kind of paper.
BECK: Let me ask you this, because it started with what`s wrong with kids. It`s not the kids.
HANDEL: Yes.
BECK: I mean, I would have -- if I could have got away with this with my parents when I was a kid, I would have done that, too.
HANDEL: Sure.
BECK: It`s the parents. But you know who else? You people.
HANDEL: Oh, yes.
BECK: You attorneys. Will you agree with me that attorneys are the scurvy on the ship called America?
HANDEL: I`m not even going to blame attorneys, because it`s the system that allow the attorneys to do this, Glenn. Attorneys, you know what they are? It`s like slugs. And they go wherever they can, find whatever food is available.
It is a system of philosophy. Our legislature here in California, they`re insane. You know, when you go into a legislator office, a Democrat in California, it`s not the picture of the governor or a picture of the president. It`s a picture of Karl Marx on the wall. They`re insane.
And the system has developed where minority kids, poor kids, illiterate kids have to be so coddled, so taken care of that it`s all one low, low common denominator. And that`s what we`re going for. And you`re right. During your monologue, I was just sitting there screaming, "You`re right, Glenn" It`s crippling us.
BECK: But Bill, you, as an attorney, you go and you try to win for your client.
HANDEL: Yes.
BECK: But really you`re not winning.
HANDEL: No.
BECK: I mean, the attorneys -- the clients lose in the end.
HANDEL: I don`t get it. I remember, the attorney who handled this, Arturo Gonzalez was his name. He had a young lady, Myra -- Myra was her name. And she said, "Now I`ll be able to graduate with the rest of my class and I won`t feel left out."
And I`m yelling, "You still don`t speak English!" So anyway.
BECK: All right. Bill, appreciate it. Thank you, sir.
HANDEL: Thank you.
BECK: Bye-bye.
Let`s go to political correctness now. It is moving through all aspects of our society, honestly, faster than Britney Spears is breeding white trash. At this rate, kiss Taco Bell good-bye and say hello to Southwestern Flat Bread Cafe.
Is nothing sacred anymore? How can it be stopped? Is it possible to stop it? Michael Smerconish, a friend of mine, author of "Muzzled: From T- Ball to Terrorism, True Stories That Should be Fiction".
Michael, we are -- we`re nurturing a nation of just bed wetters, are we not?
MICHAEL SMERCONISH, AUTHOR, "MUZZLED": We are. And let me warn you, Glenn. I brought a weapon with me into the studio today.
BECK: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.
SMERCONISH: It`s a red pen. Thank God it was not confiscated at the CNN door. But...
BECK: I am scarred for life just seeing the color red.
SMERCONISH: You will be, according to educators across the country.
BECK: Right.
SMERCONISH: If you receive a poor grade and suffer the double indignity of seeing it in the color of blood. It`s another example of political correctness gone absolutely nuts across the country. You`re talking about education. We`re not even grading papers in red.
BECK: Michael, please. Please, would you hold it down, because I -- no, I want you to teach your kids that red -- you know, if you see it around your answer, it doesn`t mean wrong answer. It means not the answer we were looking for. I`ll teach my kid that red around the wrong answer means, wrong answer, dummy, try again. My kid will be successful and your kid will be working the fry-alator.
SMERCONISH: It`s -- it`s part of this whole touchy-feely mindset that has taken over the nation. And you know how I feel. I feel that it`s no longer just an irritant to our quality of life domestically but that it represents a real risk in the war on terror because it`s making us, if I can say it, a bunch of sissies.
BECK: Yes. You can`t say that. I`m already getting hate mail just right now.
Michael, let me ask you. I remember when political correctness, when I first noticed it, and it was the handicapable thing. And I have a daughter with cerebral palsy, and I was like, "I don`t want to hurt anybody`s feelings. That`s not bad." And people really, I think, came into this with feeling like, "I don`t want to be a hate monger. If that will make somebody feel better." But when did it go bad? When did it all of a sudden just turn completely out of control?
SMERCONISH: I think it`s been snowballing since the 1960s. And like you, I`m willing to assume that the folks behind each one of these developments has the best of intentions. You know, trophy mania is going on all across the country. In youth sports, every kid gets a trophy for showing up. Or they turn off the scoreboard. They don`t want to hurt feelings.
BECK: There was -- my daughter`s T-ball game, she was actually -- you know, it`s T-ball.
SMERCONISH: Right.
BECK: And everybody -- if you hit the ball, everybody got a home run. It was always 8-8. The game always ended in a tie. I actually saw a parent arguing with the ump. I finally had to say, "Do you realize it always ends in a tie?"
SMERCONISH: It`s nuts. And we`re not fooling the kids.
Hey, Glenn, look, I want to play a game with you if you`re up for it.
BECK: Yes. Go ahead.
SMERCONISH: I`ve got a couple of scenarios. I want to read them to you. You tell me which one actually occurred. You ready?
BECK: OK, go ahead.
SMERCONISH: All right. A, Girl Scouts of America changed the name of their "Samoas" cookie after the ACLU filed suit on behalf of Samoan- Americans.
BECK: OK, I`ve heard that one. I don`t think that one`s true.
SMERCONISH: B, retailer removes T-shirt that read, "New Mexico, Cleaner Than Regular Mexico" after pressure -- after pressure from Anti- Defamation League.
BECK: OK.
SMERCONISH: C, homeowner to remove red, white and blue Christmas yard lights after neighbor complained the decorations insulted his Japanese heritage.
BECK: That one.
SMERCONISH: No, it is -- it is B that actually took place. The T- shirt was removed.
BECK: No, no, no.
SMERCONISH: I`m telling you.
BECK: No, no, Michael, I am not wrong. It`s just not the answer you were looking for.
SMERCONISH: Can I do one more with you?
BECK: Yes.
SMERCONISH: All right. You`re going to love this. A, a man wins a discrimination case making it illegal for a bar to hold "ladies night" if women are charged less than men for their cover.
BECK: OK.
SMERCONISH: B, students who wanted to start a room cleaning business were precluded from using the word "maid" in advertising because it`s sexist and demeaning. C, a military honor guardsman was fired for saying "God bless you" during a military funeral. Which one of those occurred?
BECK: That one. It`s the last one.
SMERCONISH: Well, you`re correct and you`re wrong. Glenn, all three of them occurred. A guy walks into a bar outside of Cherry Hill, New Jersey, Women are paying less for their drinks. He files a legal challenge. No more ladies` night.
BECK: Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Wrap your head in duct tape or it`s going to blow off your shoulders. Thanks, Mike.
SMERCONISH: Thank you, Glenn.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CALLER: I do not like Katharine. She`s -- she`s fake and she always...
BECK: Wait. Go ahead, you just sound like you`re not very passionate about even making this phone call.
CALLER: No, she just has bugged me. She always has her mouth open all the time.
BECK: Let me say this. Who is phoning up a national radio program to share that bit of information? I don`t know: I don`t like the way she has her mouth open all the time. Then again, who is hosting a national show and taking that call.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: That would be me.
Last night, Elliott Yamin was sent packing on "American Idol", meaning he`s going to have to go on to have a hugely successful career like all the other people on "American Idol" who have finished third, like there was that one -- OK, anyway, here`s how it went down yesterday.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
RYAN SEACREST, HOST, FOX`S "AMERICAN IDOL": Who is so close to going on but is going home tonight?
BECK: Yes. Come on. Get to it. Let`s go!
SEACREST: Let`s see it now.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: What a shock. Actually, you know what. Stop the tape here for a second. I`ve got to tell you, Elliott really grew on me. At the -- at the start of the competition, I admit, I called him one of the dental wonder twins. And I was wrong. He really seems like a genuinely good person. Doesn`t he?
You see that package when he went home to Richmond? He`s got a big heart. And I really think he wanted to be the "American Idol" because he really loves music, as opposed to Katharine, who I got the impression she wants to be "American Idol" because she wants to be famous.
So now it`s down to the final two. The robotic "I`m dead inside" Katharine or the doughy, middle-aged, epileptic, Joe Cocker-Jay Leno hybrid that is Taylor Hicks. You know, and actually I can relate to him, you know. That`s why I`m picking Taylor.
Now, why is it that I and millions of Americans love "Idol" so much? I really truly believe -- I mean, ask yourself. You`re sitting here watching this crappy TV show. At the end of the day, you`re tired. You`ve been yelled at by the boss. You`re fragile. The kids are finally in bed. You know, you don`t want to turn on TV and see a bunch of politicians yelling and screaming at each other. You want to escape.
That`s why these shows are so popular, and that`s why so many people are willing to get on these shows. Have you heard about the new reality show, "Race to the Border". This is the one where Americans help illegal immigrants cross into this country, like "The Amazing Race"?
There`s no such show. We just made that up. And we held a casting call for it. Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
BECK (voice-over): Most people assume that reality shows are made up of ordinary people, you know, like you and me. Well, actually no, more like you than me.
But the reality of reality is that these shows are the results of a highly methodical almost scientific formula that combines one part yelling, two parts fighting.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What the hell are you doing?
BECK: And the rest simply boils down to casting.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Ladies. Ladies, follow me.
BECK: Casting is so crucial that some networks feel they need not one but two casting geniuses in order to create a hit show.
DEBBIE GANZ, CO-OWNER, TWINS TALENT: I`m Debbie. Excuse me. I`m Debbie.
LISA GANZ, CO-OWNER, TWINS TALENT: And I`m Lisa Ganz.
D. GANZ: We are the Ganz twins.
L. GANZ: The Ganz twins.
D. GANZ: We are the owners of Twins Talent.
L. GANZ: Twins Talent.
D. GANZ: And we cast reality shows for a living.
BECK: Wait a minute. Back it up a second. Are these guys twins? Debbie and Lisa are responsible for casting some of the most ground breaking reality shows in television history, including "Nanny 911" and "Meet My Dad", "Meet My Folks", "The Biggest Loser", "Wife Swap", "Trading Spouses", "Trading Spaces", "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", "Fear Factor" and this one.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, my God.
BECK: When it comes to the reality wannabes who come to their office, Debbie and Lisa are equal opportunity casters.
D. GANZ: We meet little people. We meet 800-pound people. We meet crazy nut jobs.
L. GANZ: But to us...
D. GANZ: To you.
L. GANZ: For what we do, casting is 95 percent of reality shows.
BECK: What they do is enable ordinary people just to be themselves.
L. GANZ: You`re going to sing for us.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE (singing): I heard he had a good song.
BECK: Of course, their job isn`t really easy. They`re constantly having to push the envelope.
D. GANZ: Whether it`s putting, you know, a Hell`s Angel`s person with an Amish person with a Hasidic Jewish person and...
L. GANZ: Those are the character based shows.
BECK: Is no challenge too great for these twin titans of television? We decided to put them to the test and ask them to cast a potential new reality show. For the purposes of this show, we`ll call this show "Race for the Border".
Think "Amazing Race" meets illegal immigration. Lots of fence jumping, swimming, tunnel digging, running through sewer pipes and being chased by border patrol and the vigilante Minutemen.
The winner: the first to cross the Mexican or Canadian border successfully, smuggling their illegal alien counterpart into the U.S. The prize: finally getting on national TV to show that you`ll do anything just for a second of camera time.
OK, time for the open casting call. You know, we`re all pretty excited about the crop of hopefuls that are here to try out. Luckily for us, most of them aren`t strangers to the world of reality programming.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: "Fear Factor", I would love to do it. I actually tried out for it. I told Joe Rogan, I`d kick (expletive deleted) and I`d eat cow (expletive deleted) for 10 grand. I can use the money for a car, you know. I don`t care. It`s all -- it`s about challenging yourself.
BECK: That`s the kind of can-do spirit that`s going to make our show a hit. Of course, it`s going to take a lot more than enthusiasm to win this race. It`s also going to take a lot of intestinal fortitude.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I would just make sure they have a hand of toilet paper on hand just in case or some tooting bags. I don`t want to make a mess and leave my mark in Mexico that way.
BECK: And of course, there is a language barrier to conquer.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: El casa. Del Monte. Hotel Hera (ph) or something like that. I just walk in and say I need to sleep. Where do I go?
BECK: Beautiful.
Then there`s Koti.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: "K" to the "O", "T" to the "I".
BECK: Weirder than the last. Koti was actually more interested in the feel-good aspect of smuggling an illegal alien into the U.S.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That would mean a lot to me, knowing that I (expletive deleted) helped someone come into the land of the free, home of the brave.
BECK: Although Koti`s patriotism was clearly contagious, it soon became clear that some of these contestants just couldn`t make the cut.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I`m a hypochondriac. That would worry me. I`d probably starve. I`d probably be dead before I crossed the border.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Swimming long distances, probably not. I would drown.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I would have trouble with geography.
BECK: And shockingly, one person even had the gall to question the ethics behind our can`t-miss TV show.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Smuggling illegal aliens into this country is illegal. And you know, if you want to come into this country, take the route that you`re supposed to take.
BECK: How can this guy get it, but Ted Kennedy not? Listen, Vinny, with an attitude like that, you`re going nowhere fast, brother.
Still, there was no shortage of people willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill their lifelong dream of public humiliation.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That would be fun. It would be funny. It would be funny and sad. But I`d make it funny.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE (singing): Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
ANNOUNCER: Later on Glenn Beck.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BECK: All right. Welcome to today`s "Quality of Life" market update, where the stock of John McCain has taken a serious hit after comments he made this morning at a breakfast meeting.
ANNOUNCER: Warning! We are about to discuss immigration. If you are sickened by the thought of it, please mute your television and enjoy the alternate video selection we are providing.
BECK: All right. Where is it? Hello, Kitty!
So McCain is very optimistic that the Senate will get an immigration bill passed by the end of the week, which of course, is you know, when the summer recess starts. And the Senate never misses a recess. But, before he left, he wanted to make sure all -- everybody all the way across America knew who the "word game king" really was.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. JOHN MCCAIN (R), ARIZONA: So this is not amnesty. And the thing -- if there`s anything that really gets me going is this description that it`s, quote, "amnesty." Because it`s not. It`s earned citizenship.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: "It`s not. It`s earned citizenship." Are you joking? You have to pay some "taxes" that you should have paid anyway, learn a "language" that you should have learned anyway, pay a "small fine", wait a few "years." And then all of a sudden you`ve got the same standing of the people who have "waited in line" and "played by the rules" their entire lives.
Please, John, do me a favor. Take your "earned citizenship" for your "undocumented workers" and start your "paid time off" a little early. Now the...
GRAPHIC: Attention: The immigration portion of our broadcast is now complete.
BECK: We`re done? Good. Thank you.
Now to Cuba where elderly dictator Fidel Castro is livid after "Forbes" magazine estimated his net worth to be $900 million. Americans really may not understand why you`d be mad at something like that, but apparently, communist countries don`t really appreciate plasma TVs and offshore accounts as much as we do.
Now, Fidel says that he might sue "Forbes". And Fidel, please, please do that, because you will provide endless hours of comedy.
But, in the meantime, he went on Cuban national TV for, get this, 4 1/2 hours to dispute the story. Actually, Fidel only spoke for about 30 minutes. The other four hours were filled with government officials, probably living under fear of unending torture, praising Fidel and denouncing the disgusting U.S. media. Which I`d like to agree with him but I think that`s me now.
One extremely impartial member of the Cuban Communist Party said, quote, "This vile lie makes me laugh and makes me sad. They can`t bear your image, your prestige." Uh-huh.
But it was Fidel`s comments that made everything really worth the price of admission. We`ve taken the liberty of providing our own translator, since the audio was in Spanish.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
FIDEL CASTRO, CUBAN LEADER (through translator): If they can prove I have a bank account abroad with 900 million, with $1 million, $500,000, $100,000 or $1 in it, I will resign!
I have to explain something. I have to confess that I find this whole thing repugnant, having to defend myself against this garbage. I pity the fool!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: Here`s a hot tip for you, Fidel. Next time there`s something you don`t like, skip the Peter Jackson-esque national address and just ignore it. Not only will the story go away faster, but then dumb TV shows like this one won`t have your audio to do ridiculous things with, either. I`m just saying. My little tip, right to you. You have that for free.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: I want to start here with a group of high school students in Wisconsin. They`ve caused quite a little controversy with their heterosexual questionnaire.
They handed out questionnaires to several hundred students. A lot of people are saying, "Ah, you know, it`s an attempt to get people to rethink their sexuality." You know what? Can I tell you something? I could rethink my sexuality from here until the end of time, and I`m still digging chicks. I could be thinking over and over again, "Gee, are you sure about your sexuality?" I think the answer is always yes.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: Well, it`s a beautiful day here in New York. Spring is in the air. Actually, in Manhattan, a lot of things are in the air, but the days are growing longer. School soon going to be out, and I know you. You`re already thinking about where to go for vacation. That`s where I come in. Let me be your personal travel agent just for a second.
This summer, just say no to Disney World, to Dollywood. I mean, how many times do you go there? To Six Flags over somewhere. Pull out your passport, people. I`ve found the perfect holiday hotspot for you.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
BECK (voice-over): In the market for a timeshare? Yearning for that long-awaited second honeymoon? Then why not consider Libya?
Long known for its wide, sandy beaches, hospital climate and state- sponsored terrorism, Libya is actually more, much more. Considered the Monte Carlo of North Africa, minus the gambling, entertainment, alcohol, beautiful women, and fine cuisine. Libya is the land of enchantment.
But what exactly separates this oasis of ancient outposts from other great tourist destinations/terrorist hotbeds like Syria and the Sudan? Let`s explore.
Libya`s relics and ancient artifacts rival that of Ancient Rome, but Libya has something even Rome can`t post: the allure of potential violent death lurking around every street corner. Now, you might ask, won`t some visitors be scared off by Libya`s notorious past?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Absolutely not. No, I don`t care about this. I mean, I care, but I don`t stop my life for this.
BECK: Libya`s complete ban on alcohol and its reputation as the country responsible for downing commercial aircrafts and, of course, the torching of discos may deter some finicky travelers, but Moammar Gadhafi`s son, Saif, is not worried.
SAIF GADHAFI, SON OF MOAMMAR GADHAFI: (INAUDIBLE) you can`t solve them overnight, you know? You just you need admit (INAUDIBLE) decisions and discover. The most difficult thing, how to have the right plan for Libya, a master plan.
BECK: And this master plan is tourism, not terrorism, a catchy slogan indeed. Libya and you, perfect together. Oh, and by the way, Libya is also one of the world`s top producers of oil.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
BECK: But no, seriously, I bet that had nothing to do with why we`re trying to get back into bed with Libya. Gas doesn`t cost $3 a gallon there. Hmm, could that possibly explain why on Monday we removed Libya from our black list of countries that sponsor terrorism and we`re restoring diplomatic relations? It`s great.
Reza Aslan, is the Middle East expert on the program. Moammar Gadhafi, weren`t we just trying to kill him, Reza?
REZA ASLAN, AUTHOR, "NO GOD BUT GOD": Yes, we were. That`s true. Well, you could put it this way, that now we know where he is and it might be a little bit easier.
BECK: OK. You know, everybody, when we went into Iraq, everybody was protesting in the streets. "Hey, no war for oil." Shouldn`t we all make signs that say, "No peace for oil"?
ASLAN: Well, look, you know, for years now, the president has been saying to the world, "You`re either with us or you`re against us." And, frankly, I think Libya has made a decision that it`s going to be with us.
BECK: Really? Could we just show -- on the day that we said we`re not selling arms to Venezuela, we welcome them back into the fold here with Libya. Look who he`s hugging. It looks like our good friend Hugo Chavez.
ASLAN: The truth though, Glenn, is that Libya has actually made a genuine attempt to reform its image. I mean, it has dismantled its nuclear weapons program.
BECK: Wait, wait.
ASLAN: It has abandoned its support for terrorism.
BECK: You might want to rethink your answer, because you just -- I think you just hit the nail on the head, that they`ve done a lot to repair their image. Have they changed?
ASLAN: Well, I think you could say so, because not only -- again, not only have they given up their weapons program, but they`re actually giving us an enormous amount of information that has uncovered the nuclear black market run by Pakistan`s A.Q. Khan.
Not only have they stopped their support for terrorism, but they`ve actually given us an enormous amount of help in tracking down Al-Qaeda members. You know, look, it`s not a perfect situation, but if we`re going to say, "Hey, you better join us," then we better be ready to reward those countries that say, "OK."
BECK: OK, I`m willing to do that, if you could tell me -- look me straight in the eye and tell me right now that Moammar Gadhafi is not a dictator, is not a brutal guy, is not a guy -- is a guy that you`d absolutely say, "Hey, Moammar, come on over to the house. Let`s have dinner." Is he a guy you would invite over to your house?
ASLAN: No, no, no, no.
BECK: Then why are we -- this is why we get into trouble in the Middle East every single time, because we get into bed with dirt bags.
ASLAN: Look, we`re permanently in bed with dirt bags. I mean, our best allies in the Middle East, whether it`s Saudi Arabia or Egypt, are dirt bags. That`s just how it is.
BECK: But should we be?
ASLAN: But the fact of the matter...
BECK: You`re smarter than I am. Should we be in bed with these guys or should we stand for something?
ASLAN: Well, we have a choice here. We could either sort of isolate ourselves from that region or we can try to change the region by actually engaging it. Look, war is not the only way to create freedom and democracy, believe it or not. You know, there are other possibilities. And one of these is to actually change a country from within. This is the best way of doing it.
BECK: Isn`t that the argument that we would have made with Saudi Arabia, and that`s not working out too well? Isn`t that the argument with Egypt? They don`t like us. You know who likes us in the Middle East? You know this. Iran, people in Iran like us because we don`t deal with them. We actually -- we say what we mean and mean what we say.
ASLAN: No, I think Iranians would desperately want the United States to deal with them. The Iranians are desperate for direct negotiations with the U.S.
But you`re absolutely right. The difference between Saudi Arabia and Libya is that we`re allowing the Saudis to dictate, you know, the relations here. Now, if we`re going to engage Libya, we have to make the rules.
We have to understand that, yes, hey, look, we`re interested in your oil. That`s the only reason we`re here. But that`s not enough, that this is not going to be an oil relationship, that we really want to create a strategic ally in a region that we don`t have any friends. And quite friendly, Libya is a pretty good candidate for that.
BECK: OK, Reza, I`m out of time. I wanted to ask you, you know, the perfect place to get a romantic dinner in Tripoli, you know, just in case when I go this summer for vacation, but we`re out of time. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.
ASLAN: My pleasure.
BECK: All right, I`ve got to apologize here and make something very, very clear. A few nights ago, during a rant about how much -- this is coming from the heart, by the way; this isn`t corporate dictates -- how much Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez hates President Bush, I said that, in 2002, he regained his power via a coup.
Actually, I was wrong. He regained his power using troops, but whether or not it was an official "coup" is up for debate.
We`ve also been asked to mention that, prior to that questionable coup, he was removed from office via a separate coup. Oh, in 1992, he also led a failed coup attempt. So there`s a lot of coups going on down there, and I just, you know, wanted to make sure that everything was "coup- pasetic."
(LAUGHTER)
That`s the kind of comedy you can get on this program every day. Let`s go "Straight to the Hill" now, Erica Hill, who actually has some credibility. I don`t care if he was put in by a coup or not, but others do.
ERICA HILL, CNN HEADLINE NEWS ANCHOR: I`m a little coup-fused, Glenn.
BECK: Yes, why? Oh, you`re coup -- I didn`t get it the first time, that you`re making a joke.
HILL: Hey, now I look even less funny than I was. How about we move onto the news?
BECK: Actually, can I tell you something, Erica? I get so much mail about you. People love you.
HILL: Well, thank you.
BECK: They`re not -- they`re kind of me, not so much, but you they love.
HILL: Well, apparently my checks have been clearing.
BECK: Right. OK, Erica, what`s happening?
HILL: All right, Jimmy Hoffa. You know, you can never go too long without Jimmy Hoffa popping up in a headline. The former Teamsters boss, as we know, mysteriously disappeared 30 years ago. Well, now there`s a new tip, and it`s got FBI agents and police digging at a horse farm outside Detroit.
Of course, not the first time the FBI has received a tip about Hoffa`s whereabouts, but an FBI spokesman says this tip is reliable.
BECK: This one is it.
HILL: But he didn`t comment on the source.
BECK: Let me tell you something: If we find Jimmy Hoffa -- right now we`ve got gay mobsters on "The Soprano," and we find Jimmy Hoffa, it`s like crossing the streams, you know, the whole mob world could collapse on itself, really.
HILL: It could be. I don`t know if Vito should have come back, by the way, speaking of "Sopranos," but that`s for another day.
BECK: Sure.
HILL: OK, this next one is apparently a story you love, because you brought it back for another day, my friend. A little more on the split between Paul and Heather McCartney.
BECK: No, don`t blame this on me.
HILL: Your people choose the stories, my friend. You know you like it. Just admit it.
BECK: No, don`t blame on my -- but I`m hunting my people down, because I complained about this story.
HILL: Well, you`re getting more of it today, so ready?
BECK: Yes, yes.
HILL: Here`s the deal: Today they`re talking money. Because, you know, that`s what it always boils down to with the celebrity divorce.
BECK: Sure.
HILL: Some legal experts, independent legal experts, saying that McCartney could lose a quarter of his billion-dollar fortune in the divorce from Heather Mills. Here`s the deal: There was no pre-nup. He apparently said he found it unromantic at the time. She has said several times she didn`t marry me for the money.
She said, "I would have signed it if he wanted me to." Bottom line: If the legal experts are on the money, it could cost him about $1.9 million basically for every week of their four-year marriage.
BECK: Let`s be honest with each other real quick, OK?
HILL: We`ll never see that much money in our lifetime?
BECK: No, no, let`s be honest. I would marry Barbra Streisand and Danny DeVito`s love child for $2 million a week. Would you?
HILL: We`re going to hold you to that.
BECK: I would. I swear to you, I`d do it. Erica, thanks a lot.
HILL: See you tomorrow.
BECK: Have a good night.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BECK: All right, so now I`ve got the TV show on top of the radio show, I can`t show up anymore just wearing my Kelly Clarkson t-shirt and Hager slacks, you know? Look, I`m trying. I`m trying. Could you do me a favor? Would you stop with the complaints about my sweaters, and my jeans, and my shoes? I get it. Stop.
Take a look at these clothes. You ready? A stylist actually helped me pick these out. Yes. We paid a lot of money so I could look like this. I think we were ripped off.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
BECK: I think I would describe my fashion as early American slum. It has just a hint of beer, but not fresh beer.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What size waist are you?
BECK: A 32.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Really?
BECK: Maybe a 34.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Uh-huh?
BECK: A 36. I kind of look at myself as a vessel for Georgio. I was 38 for a while, but I think I`m probably a 40.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It also takes off 10 years.
BECK: Takes off 10 years? I haven`t seen a price tag. I mean, it could take off -- holy cow.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: How much are they?
BECK: $550. It should take off 20 years. You, too, can look this good with $50,000. Getting like cool NASCAR patches? Let`s just start making outrageous demands, because you never get a chance to do that at Armani, you know what I mean? Could I get a plate of squid? I feel a little rumbly in my tumbly.
Yes, I don`t think it`s at clothes. I`m just one damn, sexy man.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
BECK: No, I am, seriously. Don`t be jealous: This is my gig, man. If you don`t have a job like this, you`ve got to ask yourself: Why not, man? There is absolutely no excuse for you to be home all day sprawled out on the couch, feeding your face with Fritos, and watching, I mean, you know, shows like this one.
The economy is booming. Employers need you, man. Get up, America. Get a job, and I`m not talking about dishwashers, or pool boys, or roofers, or nannies. Those are for illegal aliens. There are plenty of great jobs open right now. And somehow they`ve escaped the help wanted listings.
Stanley Bing has come up with 100 of these jobs. Stanley, what are the jobs we want?
STANLEY BING, AUTHOR: Well, you know, I looked at 100 B.S. jobs and looked at how to get them, because I think...
BECK: Wait a minute. Hang on. What`s a B.S. job?
BING: Well, it`s something that you can say on television.
BECK: No, I know that. I mean, what kind -- give me an example of the job.
BING: Well, I was looking at you just now, and I think the personal stylist would have to be one of them. I mean, you know, he`s taking essentially a very attractive, but it`s a lump of clay, and, you know, essentially convincing you that you should spend how many ever thousand dollars in order to look better. And that...
BECK: Some people might focus on the fact that you said, you know, a very attractive. I, unfortunately, am stuck on the word "lump."
BING: I`m on the show, and you can see me. So let`s not -- you know, I`m not going to get to...
BECK: Yes. So some of the jobs -- tell me, there are people like -- we had a lady on last night that was somebody who just gave people advice, just helped them answer questions. But you go all the way down to, like, closet organizer.
BING: Well, you`ve got -- you know, I mean, there are entry-level B.S. jobs, which are, you know, things like closet organizers, who essentially organize closets for people who don`t know how to organize their own closet.
BECK: I`d like one of those.
BING: I mean, who could not use one of those? But you have to say that the hours are good, and the person who actually needs somebody to do that is likely to take virtually any advice you give them, if you know what I mean, you know?
BECK: You know the job that I really want? I want the job where you become rich by telling people that they can become rich by buying a tape of you telling them how to become rich.
BING: Motivational speakers.
BECK: Love those.
BING: You know, one of the great things about motivational speakers is they motivate you, but for a very short amount of time, kind of like a vodka tonic. You know, I mean, it wears off after about an hour or two, and pretty soon you need tape three, four, five, six...
BECK: I swear to you -- is it Tony Robbins, that good-looking guy that`s always in Hawaii?
BING: You know, the thing about him, is that he does this and he`s good looking.
BECK: Yes, I actually -- it was like 3:00 in the morning, and I`m watching Tony Robbins. I`m eating, like, ice cream on the couch, you know, just a loser. He actually motivated me enough to buy the Tony Robbins CD set. I bought it like four years ago. It`s still unopened in my house. I need like another CD to get me motivated to open up and listen to the set.
BING: Perhaps you could cut that CD. You could cut a motivational CD for people who are so unmotivated they can`t actually open the CD. You know...
BECK: Here`s a great gig. I think food critic is a great gig.
BING: What could be better? You know, you ramble around the house all day. You pretty much do nothing. You kind of snack a little. You work up an appetite. Then you go to a place with a bunch of friends, and you taste little pieces of things, and then you go home and write about them in such a way that people get hungry, if possible, or disgusted, either one, either hungry or disgusted, depending on what kind of a food critic you are.
BECK: Stanley, I have to tell you. I`m going to let you in on a little secret. Everybody -- you know, "Oh, that`s a hard job that you`re doing now." Not really. This is one of the easiest gigs I`ve ever had. I mean, I`m doing it horribly, but it`s really it`s like a scam.
And I`m watching -- last night, I`m watching Howie Mandel on TV. I`m like, "That`s"...
BING: There`s a job that you want, you know?
BECK: Oh, that`s a sweet gig.
BING: I mean, Howie`s job is game show host, and, you know, basically what you need is you need teeth. You know what? I used to think that for that show you needed hair for that job. But obviously, with Howie, you need not only bad hair, but absolutely no hair.
BECK: Yes, exactly.
BING: The guy is like, you know -- he`s like one of those trauma victims that fell in a vat of something, you know?
BECK: Right. All you really need to do is be really good at things like this: "Stanley, deal or no deal? Wait, we`ll find out his answer, after this."
BING: All right.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: We`re not going to shoot them with laser beams out of our eyes while we`re walking down the street.
ANNOUNCER: Albinos up in arms, breaking the myths of "The Da Vinci Code," a Glenn Beck investigative report tomorrow.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: All right. It`s time where you can "Ask Glenn." You know, ask me anything about anything. Let`s start here. "Glenn, wouldn`t it be easier to make Mexico the 51st state? Nick."
Actually, Nick, I`d make it the 54th state. Remember, us hatemongers, we`re already planning on making Iraq and Afghanistan number 51 and 52. And I`m really thinking that we should lock down Aruba for number 53, you know, while everybody`s afraid to visit there. I think we can get it cheap right now.
Alex writes, "Hey, really do enjoy the show, but one technical thing that bothers me is the excess of G.B. symbols. There`s shots where there are five visible at one time."
Let me tell you something, Alex, I know exactly what you`re saying. Five symbols at once is a little bit ridiculous. Ellie, can we do a little better than that, please?
OK, good. Now we`re -- yes, much better.
Irving asks, "Can you start working on being a little less insensitive, Glenn? You discussed the idea that the economy was wonderful for all. You and Ted Bell should get off your wealthy arses and see poverty that`s going on now in the middle class. I`m a retired internist who is not insulated from everything but the beautiful people."
Wow, do I have a lot to say on this one, Irving. First of all, if you`re in the middle class in the U.S., you`re not experienced poverty. You`re not even close. You might not have that nice plasma screen or the Bentley, which I used to have before this damn Bush economy, but you`re doing pretty good, especially in relation to the rest of the world.
Secondly, no economy in the history of the universe has ever been wonderful for everybody, not even for a day. No one`s claiming that. But right now, we`re in one of best economies America has ever seen! I`d just like somebody to notice it.
And, thirdly, an internist is lecturing me about poverty? The average salary of an internist is $148,000 grand a year, or around seven times the entire household earnings of someone in poverty.
And, finally, John chimes in. He says, "Glenn, I think you`re great. You`re a funny guy. But to be perfectly honest, I hate your guts."
I mean, John, that`s not even a question. Maybe it`s a statement. I think it`s the first sentence of a manifesto, quite honestly.
And listen, before we go, I want to congratulate Kevin, our floor director, and his wife, Cindy, on the birth of their daughter, Hannah Rae (ph). Congratulations, guys. And, Hannah Rae, welcome to the family.
We`ll see you tomorrow, you sick, twisted freak.
END
