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Glenn Beck
Should Child Molesters Be Allowed in Public Parks, Pools?; Should State Pay for Murderer`s Sex Change?; Prison Radio Calms Listeners
Aired June 16, 2006 - 19:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
ANNOUNCER: Today`s episode of Glenn Beck is brought to you by the Barbra Streisand farewell tour. This is the last time, I swear. No, I really, really mean it. Maybe. Tickets start at $90,000.
GLENN BECK, HOST: What the hell is going on?
In Indianapolis a group of six child molesters and child rapists -- building a bridge -- are suing the city over a new ordinance that says pedophiles shouldn`t be allowed in public parks, playgrounds or swimming pools when children are there. Those hate mongers. I guess they think that violates their civil rights to fondle kids. Boo fricking hoo. And wait, there`s more.
Take a wild guess who`s defending them? Yes, yes, the ACLU. Here`s the thing. I`m all about rights and freedoms, but the moment you decide to rape a kid, call me crazy, I think you`ve pretty much given up whatever rights you had. Maybe next time you`ll keep your mitts off the kinder.
To the people who say, "Oh, these people, Glenn, they`re sick. We have to understand them. They need treatment, not punishment." Really? Why don`t you let pedophile Pete take your kids swimming? Me? Not so much.
And for the fine folks at the ACLU, if you had a choice to let your kids either, A, play in the park that didn`t allow child molesters, or, B, play in the park that welcomed child molesters and child rapists with open arms, which one would you pick? Yes. That`s what I thought.
John La Fond, he is a retired professor of constitutional law and criminal law. He`s also the author of "Preventing Sexual Violence: How Society Should Cope with Sex Offenders".
You actually believe, if I`m not mistaken, these freaks had a case.
JOHN LA FOND, AUTHOR, "PREVENTING SEXUAL VIOLENCE": Well, Glenn, I think these laws actually are constitutional. I just think they`re a waste of time and money. They won`t prevent sex crimes, and they`ll give the public a false sense of safety.
BECK: Well, I mean, tell me, do you think that they should be allowed around, you know, swimming pools? Why -- why would a child molester want to be swimming in a pool with a bunch of kids?
LA FOND: Well, you know, most child molesters will not commit another sex crime. They have a low rate of recidivism.
BECK: That`s bull crap, and you know it is. You ask the people in prison, three out of 10 say -- no, wait a minute, let me make sure. Yes, three out of 10 say that they did it with multiple children.
It`s not just an "Oh, geez, I don`t know what I was thinking. All of a sudden I was having sex with a kid. It was only that one time." Bull crap!
LA FOND: I agree with you. We ought to punish child sex offenders, and we ought to punish them seriously. We also have to figure out which ones of them are likely to commit another crime and which ones aren`t. And the fact of the matter is...
BECK: Wait, wait, wait. How do you know that?
LA FOND: Well, there are now instruments that actually will give you a good sense of whether or not a sex offender is at high risk of committing another crime.
BECK: Boy, I`m -- I`m afraid to ask what those instruments are. Because instruments come to mind. When it comes to child offenders, instruments come to mind in my head, too. What instruments will see which ones will recommit or not?
LA FOND: These are actuarial risk assessments, really borrowed from the insurance industry. And they take a look at a person`s record, his history of offending and they can compute a pretty good statement of risk. Also...
BECK: Wait, wait, wait. We`ve taken our children`s safety in your head? You`re in Seattle right?
LA FOND: Yes, I am.
BECK: OK. I grew up in Seattle. I spent many years just doing this to my head to get the water out. Are you telling me that, in your mind, protecting our kids comes down to stats?
LA FOND: Well, you and I agree on one basic premise, Glenn. We both think we ought to prevent as many sex crimes as possible with the resources available. So we need -- we need laws that are tough and smart, and I`m telling you these laws are not smart.
BECK: OK. Then do this for me, convince me that raping a kid is not a "one strike you`re out" offense.
LA FOND: Well, you know, the fact of the matter is most sex offenders come back into the community after they`re served their prison time. And what we need to do is to identify the high-risk offenders, subject them to intensive supervision, mandatory treatment, lie detector tests and, if necessary, locator technology and focus our preventive efforts on those groups. To treat all sex offenders as equally dangerous is really not smart.
BECK: Again, one strike you`re out with me, John. I appreciate your time, thanks a lot.
By the way, I want to let everybody know, we asked the ACLU to be on the program today. For some reason they didn`t want to come on and defend this one. I don`t know. Maybe our time schedules just didn`t work out.
ANNOUNCER: And now another great moment in the history of the ACLU!
BECK: There was -- no, I`m all out.
ANNOUNCER: This has been another great moment in the history of the ACLU.
BECK: OK. In other freakishly disturbing sex news, prison inmate Robert Kosilek, who now goes by the name Michelle, killed his wife, got sent to jail and now want the state to pay for his sex change operation.
First of all, the absolute last place -- I mean, call me crazy, just my idea -- that you`d want to prance around with makeup and a dress on is a state prison.
Secondly, why should the taxpayer foot the bill for a convicted murder to get fake boobs? His/her lawyer actually said, quote, "We ask that gender identity disorder" -- makes me want to vomit just there -- "be treated like any other medical condition."
Let me ask you, Perry Mason, any other medical condition? This isn`t athlete`s foot we`re talking about.
Representative Mark Gundrum from Wisconsin, he had a similar case in his district. Convince me that the state should pay for a murderer`s sex change operation, Mark.
MARK GUNDRUM, WISCONSIN STATE REPRESENTATIVE: Well, there`s no way I`ll convince you of that, because I think it`s absurd and ridiculous.
BECK: Thank you.
GUNDRUM: When you start having federal judges rule that this is a constitutional right, that`s when you`ve taken our law to the level of absurd and ridiculous.
BECK: This guy actually says that not helping him get the sex change operation is cruel and unusual punishment, which, I think, his wife might have claimed, you know, the strangling her there in the middle of the night might have been cruel and inhuman, as well.
GUNDRUM: Yes. My understanding of the Eighth Amendment was that was kind of put in there to prevent boiling in oil, burning people at the stake and things like that.
BECK: Sure.
GUNDRUM: Not preventing the taxpayers from having to fund a sex change operation while you`re spending 50 years in prison.
BECK: Right. Hold on. I`m just looking at the picture. He is one sexy dude. I mean, he`s an ugly guy, but man, he makes one beautiful- looking woman.
From what I understand -- wow! From what I understand, we`ve already paid for the female hormone treatment, so he`s growing boobs. We have paid for his laser hair removal, which I think we should have spent it -- you know, as rich as he might be, I`d give him, you know, hair removal treatment for free on taxpayer dollars if we`re talking Andy Rooney. Just get rid of the ear hair and the eyebrows.
But the guy in prison? How do we spend this without -- I mean, what is the -- what is the case for this?
GUNDRUM: Well, I can`t make one. It is absurd, and that`s why you only see these cases being brought either by the ACLU or other gay activist groups, trying to advance an agenda through our courts. They`re doing the same thing here in Wisconsin, and it`s extremely troubling.
BECK: How`d you stop it in your state, or have you?
GUNDRUM: Well, we`re trying to. And what we did was our department of corrections was providing female hormone therapy for gender identity disorder, as some people like to call it. And what we actually had to do was pass a bill and put it on the governor`s desk, which he quietly signed behind closed doors to stop it. And then now the ACLU has even sued in federal court to get an injunction against having that bill go into effect.
BECK: I`ve got to tell you, I am so upset that the ACLU wouldn`t be on today, because I wanted to ask them one question. Has anything ever passed your desk that didn`t, you know, throw stones at Jesus that you said, "No, that one`s just insane! We couldn`t defend that one!"
Let me ask you, if you`re paying -- if the taxpayers are paying for all of this and we go ahead and give them a -- you know, sex change surgery, he said he killed his wife so he could begin his life as a woman. Wouldn`t that make us an accessory to murder after the fact -- after the fact?
GUNDRUM: Well, again, that gets to just how absurd and ridiculous this whole idea is, and the idea that somebody might be suicidal if they`re not allowed to change their gender through a sex change operation while they`re spending the next 20 years in prison. I mean, that`s just absurd.
BECK: I don`t -- I mean, I don`t understand this anymore. I mean, we`re defending the rights of pedophiles to go play in children`s playgrounds. We`re worried about if somebody who`s a murderer who strangled his wife, you know, is suicidal.
I say save the state some money. Oh, right, oh, well, he got, you know, loose with his belt, too bad for us.
Mark, I appreciate it. Thanks a lot.
GUNDRUM: Thank you, Glenn.
BECK: You bet.
So if the guy does get his sex change operation, I mean, I`m just -- I`m trying to be a helper here, quite honestly, because it`s Massachusetts, I mean -- you know he`s going get it, right?
If he does get it, he`s going to need a new fashion look for the summer. And now here with makeover advice for convicted murder Robert/Michelle is our fashion expert, Adrianne Frost.
Hi, Adrian.
ADRIANNE FROST, FASHION EXPERT: Hi. Could I call you Glenda for this segment? Is that all right?
BECK: Well, the surgery hasn`t been finished yet, but the breasts are coming in nicely, aren`t they?
FROST: I know, I know. They look lovely.
BECK: Yes. So what are the hot locks for gangly transsexual wife stranglers this summer?
FROST: Well, I think he`s already got kind of a Lindsay Lohan, Mary Kate and Ashley thing going with the hair and the sunglasses.
BECK: Very nice.
FROST: So that`s good. I think once he, you know, starts going, maybe rip out some mattress foam and pad the butt and the hips to get, like, a J. Lo thing going. That might work.
BECK: Yes, but you wouldn`t want to advertise something that you couldn`t actually sell. You know what I`m saying?
FROST: OK. Well, maybe he could feminize the orange jumpsuit with some beading and sparkles.
BECK: OK. All right.
FROST: He could go with, maybe, the honey-glazed carrots that they serve in the cafeteria.
BECK: Very nice. Very nice.
FROST: And I think he`s really going have to soften up his shiv.
BECK: How do you mean? Oh!
FROST: You know, paint some flowers on it.
BECK: Oh, that`s very nice.
FROST: You know, paint it pink, maybe.
BECK: Sure. I mean, if you really want to go, you might want to go the Hello Kitty route.
FROST: Absolutely. Maybe put a little bit of a Chococat on there.
BECK: That`s great. Adrianne...
FROST: And I think the other inmates are going to have to realize that this is a man who would kill for those pumps.
BECK: That`s great. Adrianne, thank you so much.
FROST: You`re welcome.
BECK: I appreciate it. Bye-bye.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: I think I would describe my fashion as early American slum. It has just a hint of beer but not fresh beer.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What size waist are you?
BECK: A 32.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Really?
BECK: Maybe a 33, 34.
Thirty-six?
I kind of look at myself as a vessel for Giorgio.
I was 38 for awhile...
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And now?
BECK: ... but I think I`m probably a 40.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: And it also takes off ten years.
BECK: Takes off ten years. I haven`t seen a price tag, though, take off -- homey cow, $550, it should take off 20 years.
You, too, can look this good with $50,000.
Do you have anything with, like, cool NASCAR patches?
Let`s just start making outrageous demands because you never get a chance to do that in Armani, you know what I mean? Could I get a plate of squid? A little rumbly in my tumbly.
I`m just one damn sexy man.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: Capitalism works. I hate to break it to all of the liberals, but capitalism works. What do you say we stick with it for awhile? You know, give it a whirl. I`m just saying.
By the way, percentage of people actually earning minimum wage, is it 20 percent? Actually earning minimum wage, 15 percent? Say 10 percent, 10 percent. Seven percent?
Five percent of our population is actually earning minimum wage. Five percent. That would be great. No, actually three percent.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: Hey, when you -- when you listen to the radio, do you enjoy good Christian-themed programming? If the answer is yes, the next time you`re down in Angola, Louisiana, check out KLSP, 97.1 -- 91.7 FM on your dial. In addition to gospel, they also play a wide variety of music, and best of all, no annoying commercials. And the DJs? They know a little something about "records."
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
SIRVORIS SUTTON, A.K.A. DJ SHAQ: Thank you so much for tuning in to KLSP 91.7.
BECK (voice-over): It`s a typical day at KLSP, 91.7 FM, a radio station that caters almost exclusively to an audience made up of the highly-coveted 18- to 45-year-old male demo.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Running real good here. I think they`re really good.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: KLSP Radio, the station that kicks behind the bricks.
SUTTON: My audience range from athletes to just average guys who just like to lay back in the dorms.
BECK: As general manager of KLSP radio, Burl Cain knows his audience better than just about anybody.
BURL CAIN, WARDEN: Murderers, rapists, armed robbers, convicted felons. The average sentence is about 88 years, and there`s 3,200 of them with life sentences.
BECK: Did I mention that Burl Cain is also the warden?
KLSP broadcasts live from the notorious Louisiana State Penitentiary in Angola, making this the only prison in the country with its very own radio station.
As far as business models go, KLSP seems like it can`t miss. There`s a captive audience, more than 5,000 listeners, with no competition from any of those morning zoos or those annoying talk radio stations.
In fact, here it`s pretty much just Christian-themed programming with a wide variety of music. Just no gangsta rap, heavy metal or sleepy elevator music.
CAIN: The kind of music we play reflects our culture and has a very calming effect on them.
SUTTON: We`ll do some jazz. We`ll do some soft R&B. We`ll do some country, some rock, but primarily throughout the week continuously, you`re going to get the gospel.
91.7 Angola, the incarceration station.
BECK: As KLSP`s program manager it`s up to DJ Shaq to spread Warden Cain`s gospel.
SUTTON: Honestly, in terms of being a big gospel music fan, I wasn`t.
CAIN: Well, it grows on you, you know? They even got the rap gospel, and they play that and that`s cool. I like that.
BECK: Most of the DJs here are convicted murderers, making them uniquely qualified to preach to these inmates.
ROBIN POLK, A.K.A. ROCKIN` ROBIN: I can play that song for that guy and give him that comfort zone or relaxed state of mind to get away from all of the pressures of the mental weight of this prison.
BECK: And with song requests and shout-outs, KLSP shamelessly caters to its most loyal listeners, the men on Death Row.
SUTTON: We don`t call it Death Row here.
BECK: Oh, sorry, Life Row.
SUTTON: Guys on Life Row are some of the most faithful listeners to the radio station. I mean, a number of them, any given day, I might get anywhere from five to six letters.
What I can play for you?
BECK: And just like their fellow DJs on the outside, when it comes to payday, radio guys never seem to get the respect they deserve.
SUTTON: It`s one of the more higher-paying jobs at 20 cents an hour. It`s probably the highest pay that you can make as an inmate.
BECK: And one more thing that`s no different inside these walls. No matter how much you try, you can never please everybody.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: More rap, you know? It`s just something that`s going to pull people into it. But rap is really on the incline.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: They say music really changes your moods and they play just the right type of music to put you in the right type of mood.
SUTTON: On Saturdays I have a slow jam show. There are a number of songs I`ve scrapped from my repertoire simply because of maybe the content. It could be just a beautiful love song, but by nature, listening to it in an all-male maximum security prison. So I don`t want to move anybody in the way of, you know, something that`s negative.
In terms of music calming the wrath of an angry beast. I don`t know how true that is, but I do know that music here in Angola has proved to be a mechanism that actually works.
CAIN: It`s going to be cool and we`re just going to keep rocking and rolling.
SUTTON: God bless you and God keep you and thank you for tuning in to KLSP, 91.7 Angola. The next song on air is "I`m So Satisfied".
(END VIDEOTAPE)
ANNOUNCER: Later on GLENN BECK.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Come on, gator! Here, boy! Gator boy!
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BECK: All right. Welcome to today`s "Quality of Life" market update.
If you own a Cadillac Escalade, your stock has taken a tumble today on the news that your car is the most popular in the country among thieves. For the fourth straight year the Highway Lost Data Institute has named the Cadillac Escalade as the car most likely to be stolen, and with that 6.2 liter aluminum block V8 engine, trizone climate controls, in dash DVD Bose discrete sound system, chrome wheels, leather seats, this car practically screams carjack me!
Now, you might ask yourself, Glenn, what is the car that`s least likely to be stolen? And hopefully, your name is Glenn if you`re asking yourself that question. That honor would go to the much maligned Ford Taurus.
I mean, you know, if I were a car thief, it really wouldn`t be my first choice, you know, unless there was a bag of money in the trunk or maybe Jessica Alba. And if she were in the trunk, I`d let her out. She could sit up front with me.
Anyway, the people at Ford think that, you know, gee, this kind of stinks, but I think they shouldn`t look at this as a slam. I think this is a marketing opportunity. I mean, I`m not a car salesman, but I am a thinker. Here`s what we got.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: Ford Taurus, once again voted by car thieves as the car they would least like to steal. Drive one today.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: I mean, you know, flip the whole thing around.
In the wildlife sector, seagulls are taking a big hit today, thanks to one minor league pitcher. With the score tied 2-2, bottom of the 11th, and the count full, Durham Bulls reliever Jason Childers knew he had to throw a strike, but there was one thing standing in the way of strike three, and that was oh. There it is. A seagull.
Look at this. Look at this. Boom. Wow! Can you -- can we -- look at that. Man. Poor bird. It flops around. Believe it or not, the bird was fine after like a half hour.
Can you imagine getting hit by something your size coming at you 90 miles an hour and you just getting up 30 minutes later, going, "I`m OK. Really, I`m OK."
And there`s the ump. Apparently, he took it right to a lucky fan. It`s crippled bird night at the ballpark.
Futures on human body parts, specifically anything falling below the kneecap, plummeting on reports of a new sport taking England by storm. It is shin kicking. They call it soccer without the ball or the goals or the rules. Or -- well, you get the picture.
You might ask yourself why am I wasting time talking about this? Well, I mean the only thing that we could follow the seagull getting hit by -- with the baseball with is this actual footage of British people kicking the bat crap out of each other. This is a sport.
You know, just when you think you`re like oh, jeez, America, the reality show, we`re doomed. This is a sport in another country. England comes along and you`re like thank you, "Thank you, Queenie, baby, thank you."
Wait a minute. This guy`s either horribly disfigured from this or he`s got hay in his pants.
That`s not a sport, man. Can you imagine growing up and saying to your folks, "I just want to be the world champion shin kicker? That`s all I want, Mom and Dad."
God bless you. Dream, dream, Great Britain. Keep dreaming.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: Batwoman will be the first lesbian, apparently, which, you know, I mean, are we really going out on a limb? And I never really thought about it with Batwoman, but with Batman and his Ward? Come on. I mean, it`s Robin. What were they doing in the cave? "We`re just down here in the cave trying on our tights. Ooh, that gun looks good with you." "Put it in my utility belt, Robin." Come on, we didn`t know? Of course, we did.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: I did say it: We did know!
All right, panic, everybody! It`s the first day of hurricane season. If you live in Florida, seriously, a lot more frightening things to worry about this summer than, you know, Hurricane Nevaeh -- which is "heaven" spelled backwards, I hear -- or there`s gay day at Disney, or really any chance encounter any day with Katherine Harris on the -- I mean, that`s just an unflattering picture of her, isn`t it?
Really, Florida, this is what you should be scared about, I mean really scared about: Yes, gator attacks! I`m sorry, but the state of Florida simply no longer safe.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BECK (voice-over): These cold-blooded killers are everywhere, crawling out of lakes onto people`s porches. Think you can flee Florida by car? Good luck. Stop for even a second, and this is what happens.
Ray, want to see the mermaids in Weeki Wachee Springs? This is definitely not a mermaid. And oh, and meet Jasmine. She`s a six-month-old golden retriever who went out for a run with her owner and wound up in the mouth of -- yes, we`d hoped to show you a picture, but for some reason Michael Rubin thought it was more important to savor than take one, jerk.
MICHAEL RUBIN, SAVED DOG FROM ALLIGATOR: I had my dog like this, and I was hitting the gator on the top of the head. And I don`t think I did that more than three or four times. I wasn`t get anywhere. And then I tried to pry its mouth off, and I just gave him one big yank and the dog came loose. At that point, I think he decided we were too much of a hassle.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: I`ve got to tell you, I`m the biggest wuss in the world. The last thing -- it would take my child. It would. It would have to take my child to be in the mouth of the gator for me to start hitting the gator on top of the head and pry its mouth open.
I know, I know, please don`t write me. "Glenn, dogs are like our children." Eh, kind of. Not enough for me to wrestle an alligator.
We decided to get to the bottom of the gator scare, and we actually went to a place called Gator World.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
BECK (voice-over): Welcome to Gatorland, alligator capital of the world, a place where the tourists watch the gators and the gators watch the tourists. The smell of fear is in the air, and the fact that three people died from alligator attacks in five days, well, it just feeds the fear even more.
But go backstage and what lurks is a different kind of Gatorland, a quiet, "Jurassic Park"-kind of place, one that looks like it must have looked 20 million years ago, a place where the gators lays around, bask in the sun, and even make a little sweet, tender love.
TIM WILLIAMS, ALLIGATOR EXPERT: Come on, gator! Get her boy! Get her boy!
BECK: Tim Williams is the guy who makes Gatorland tick. You might say he`s an alligator whisperer, although he doesn`t really whisper. People around these parts called him the dean of alligator wrasslin`. He`s been working at Gatorland, suffice to say, a really long time now.
WILLIAMS: I started wrestling alligators in 1972. And I think I`ve gotten to a point in my career where I`m at an age where I can get down on an alligator, I just got to get three or four people to help me get back up.
BECK: Tim has got a pretty interesting background. Growing up in Florida, he spent most of his time outdoors with his parents. As a matter of fact, his mom held the record for being the longest continuous Girl Scout.
WILLIAMS: Good boy.
BECK: So, needless to say, getting into the gator business just sort of made sense for Tim. And I`ve got to tell you, he does stuff with alligators nobody in their right mind would do.
WILLIAMS: Good boy. That`s my boy.
BECK: And he also says the recent attacks in Florida are incredibly unusual. Oh, it`s like fate played a cruel joke or something.
WILLIAMS: I call it the perfect reptile storm. All of the conditions were right. We`ve been in a drought. The ponds and the lakes have dried up somewhat. It`s mating season.
BECK: Yes, sure, it`s rare, but if a gator does attack, you`re probably not going to survive.
WILLIAMS: These two animals right here, behind us here, this is Rufus and Buddy. They probably have close to 3,000-pounds-per-square-inch biting power. If either one of these animals were to grab me, bite down, you`re not going get their mouth open, and it could very easily just drag me out there and drown me, and they start tearing you up and eating you. I`m aware of that.
BECK: And so is our photographer who, I have to tell you, got closer to those gators than I would. Luckily, Tim has state-of-the-art technology to fend off those 12-foot monsters.
WILLIAMS: Pete is our backup. He has a stick.
BECK: Yes. And if the stick doesn`t work, I hear you`re supposed to run away in zigzags. Turns out that`s a myth.
WILLIAMS: We tell people, if a gator starts to chase you, the best thing to do is trip somebody and walk off. They don`t want to run out here in this heat.
BECK: By the way, he`s joking. And Tim just wants to make sure that everybody knows that gators aren`t the human-hungry, evil reptiles we think they are. Even in the light of the recent deaths, he says they`re just trying to survive.
WILLIAMS: We`re in their backyard. You know, they were there before we were. They are truly the last of the dinosaurs; 20 million years ago, these things were crawling around.
BECK: And now the fact that tourists are crawling all over Florida, scuba diving and snorkeling, sooner or later they`re bound to make a meal out of one of us. So how do you avoid becoming gator bait?
WILLIAMS: Don`t swim at night. That`s when the animals like to hunt.
BECK: OK, good tip. And take heart: Tim says you can avoid being eaten by an alligator pretty much by just not being a moron.
WILLIAMS: Stay away. Be careful. Watch what`s out there around you.
BECK: Because even though Gator Tim seems to have a serious affection for alligators of all shapes and sizes, he`s only too aware of what they`re capable of.
WILLIAMS: I don`t trust them. I don`t want to give anybody any false impressions. Ow, ow, ow, ow!
(END VIDEOTAPE)
BECK: Seriously, don`t be jealous. This is my gig, man. If you don`t have a job like this, you got to ask yourself, "Why not, man?" There is absolutely no excuse for you to be home all day sprawled out on the couch, feeding your face with Fritos, and watching, I mean, you know, shows like this one.
The economy is booming. Employers need you, man. Get up, America. Get a job, and I`m not talking about dishwashers, or pool boys, or roofers, or nannies. Those are for illegal aliens. There are plenty of great jobs open right now. And somehow they`ve escaped the help wanted listings.
Stanley Bing has come up with 100 of these jobs. Stanley, what are the jobs we want?
STANLEY BING, AUTHOR: Well, you know, I looked at 100 B.S. jobs and looked at how to get them, because I think...
BECK: Wait a minute. Hang on. What`s a B.S. job?
BING: Well, it`s something that you can say on television.
BECK: No, I know that. I mean, what kind -- give me an example of the job.
BING: Well, I was looking at you just now, and I think the personal stylist would have to be one of them. I mean, you know, he`s taking essentially a very attractive, but it`s a lump of clay, and, you know, essentially convincing you that you should spend how many ever thousand dollars in order to look better. And that...
BECK: Some people might focus on the fact that you said, you know, a very attractive. I, unfortunately, am stuck on the word "lump."
BING: I`m on the show, and you can see me. So let`s not -- you know, I`m not going to get to...
BECK: Yes. So some of the jobs -- tell me, there are people like -- we had a lady on last night that was somebody who just gave people advice, just helped them answer questions. But you go all the way down to, like, closet organizer.
BING: Well, you`ve got -- you know, I mean, there are entry-level B.S. jobs, which are, you know, things like closet organizers, who essentially organize closets for people who don`t know how to organize their own closet.
BECK: I`d like one of those.
BING: I mean, who could not use one of those? But you have to say that the hours are good, and the person who actually needs somebody to do that is likely to take virtually any advice you give them, if you know what I mean, you know?
BECK: You know the job that I really want? I want the job where you become rich by telling people that they can become rich by buying a tape of you telling them how to become rich.
BING: Motivational speakers.
BECK: Love those.
BING: You know, one of the great things about motivational speakers is they motivate you, but for a very short amount of time, kind of like a vodka tonic. You know, I mean, it wears off after about an hour or two, and pretty soon you need tape three, four, five, six...
BECK: I swear to you -- is it Tony Robbins, that good-looking guy that`s always in Hawaii?
BING: You know, the thing about him, is that he does this and he`s good-looking.
BECK: Yes, I actually -- it was like 3:00 in the morning, and I`m watching Tony Robbins. I`m eating, like, ice cream on the couch, you know, just a loser. He actually motivated me enough to buy the Tony Robbins CD set. I bought it like four years ago. It`s still unopened in my house. I need like another CD to get me motivated to open up and listen to the set.
BING: Perhaps you could cut that CD. You could cut a motivational CD for people who are so unmotivated they can`t actually open the CD. You know...
BECK: Here`s a great gig. I think food critic is a great gig.
BING: What could be better? You know, you ramble around the house all day. You pretty much do nothing. You kind of snack a little. You work up an appetite.
Then you go to a place with a bunch of friends, and you taste little pieces of things, and then you go home and write about them in such a way that people get hungry, if possible, or disgusted, either one, either hungry or disgusted, depending on what kind of a food critic you are.
BECK: Stanley, I have to tell you. I`m going to let you in on a little secret. Everybody -- you know, "Oh, that`s a hard job that you`re doing now." Not really. This is one of the easiest gigs I`ve ever had. I mean, I`m doing it horribly, but it`s really it`s like a scam.
And I`m watching -- last night, I`m watching Howie Mandel on TV. I`m like, "That`s"...
BING: There`s a job that you want, you know?
BECK: Oh, that`s a sweet gig.
BING: I mean, Howie`s job is game show host, and, you know, basically what you need is you need teeth. You know what? I used to think that for that show you needed hair for that job. But obviously, with Howie, you need not only bad hair, but absolutely no hair.
BECK: Yes, exactly.
BING: The guy is like, you know -- he`s like one of those trauma victims that fell in a vat of something, you know?
BECK: Right. All you really need to do is be really good at things like this: "Stanley, deal or no deal? Wait, we`ll find out his answer, after this."
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BECK: All right. A couple of weeks ago, "American Idol" finished its season and my producers made me ask for suggestions on what I should do now that I`m watching, you know, 15 hours a week of "American Idol." So, I mean, the truth is, I use TiVo a lot.
Anyway, for some reason, you actually sent some suggestions in. Brian suggests I buy an "American Idol" microphone so I can sing "Leave On" in the shower. Thanks, Brian, but my two-month-old cries enough as it is.
Cindy in Edmonton -- which I think is some place in Canada -- says their version of "Idol" starts this week and also insists on telling me that there`s never been a scandal among any of their contestants because they`re all so clean-cut and wholesome. Yes, I want some grittiness to my "Idol," all right? And, by the way, thanks. They`re Canadian.
Summer tour starts on the 5th of July. Their CD is already out. And if you`re wondering why you`re watching Katharine McPhee singing, you know, "Without You," it`s because, not only is it being released as her first single this month, it`s because she`s also here in the studio with us.
Katharine, thanks so much for coming on the program.
KATHARINE MCPHEE, "AMERICAN IDOL" RUNNER-UP: Thank you for having me.
BECK: How are you? You`re the first person that`s actually stood up. That`s so unnecessary and so nice of you.
MCPHEE: Oh, well, thank you.
BECK: Well, thank you. So let me ask you: What`s it like? I just read a survey that 50 or 56 percent of teenagers want to be famous. They think that`s the American dream.
MCPHEE: Really?
BECK: Which I thought was a little frightening. What`s it like to be overnight famous?
MCPHEE: It`s exciting. It`s also very stressful.
BECK: Yes.
MCPHEE: You definitely feel a big burden to just be -- you know, you feel like you`re being watched every second. You are, really.
BECK: Yes.
MCPHEE: And, you know, it`s difficult because people -- they see you 15 seconds, you know, interacting with the judges and they make a judgment on who they think you are as a person.
BECK: So who are you?
MCPHEE: Who am I?
BECK: Who are you?
MCPHEE: I still feel like I`m the same girl that walked into that first audition with the judges. I just get to do cooler things now. I get to meet cool people. I get to sit in the...
BECK: Who`s the biggest -- who`s the person that you met and you were like, "Shut up, you`re not a fan"? Have you met anybody like that, that you were surprised that they were a fan?
MCPHEE: Well, I mean, any time like a celebrity, because I don`t really think as myself -- I don`t think of all of the other idols as celebrities. It`s kind of a weird thing, because it just happens so fast. And even, like, a celebrity that comes up to me and they`re like, "Oh, we watch you all of the time."
BECK: Like who?
MCPHEE: Like Donald Trump, for instance. I was on the Kelly and Regis show, or "Regis and Kelly" -- I don`t know which order it is -- and it was just like so weird that he was a huge fan, you know?
BECK: Sure.
MCPHEE: Because you just don`t think that someone like Donald would have time in his day to...
BECK: Is it true that Tom Cruise asked you to sing at his wedding?
MCPHEE: I get that question non-stop. And you know what? I have no idea where that rumor came from.
BECK: Really?
MCPHEE: And I have not gotten any confirmation from any kind of management camp, so...
BECK: Are you a Scientologist?
MCPHEE: No, I`m not a Scientologist.
BECK: Really? Both of those things are rampant on the...
MCPHEE: Both of those things are false.
BECK: Really? So you haven`t met those guys?
MCPHEE: I have not met -- no, I`ve not met Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes. I`d like to.
BECK: You have actually -- and I don`t mean to embarrass you here -- but you`ve inspired me. May I show you a clip of something -- that, after your performance, you inspired me...
MCPHEE: Sure. No way!
BECK: ... yes, to go the extra mile. Let`s play the clip back from the day after the "Idol."
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BECK (singing): Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow...
(END VIDEO CLIP)
MCPHEE: That`s pretty good.
BECK: Yes, isn`t it?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BECK: ... why or why can`t I?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
MCPHEE: It`s a little dramatic, but I like it.
BECK: Isn`t that beautiful?
MCPHEE: That note is actually higher than what I hit.
(LAUGHTER)
BECK: That`s beautiful. I hope you are inspired back the same way.
MCPHEE: I didn`t know you were such a goofball. I didn`t know.
BECK: I don`t know what that -- I was dead serious. I don`t even know what that means.
MCPHEE: No, you weren`t. Did you just do that right now before I walked in?
BECK: No, no, no, that was on, I think, the day after "Idol," the day after you did it.
MCPHEE: That`s pretty.
BECK: Which, by the way, the reminds me, get off the floor. Once in a while, you should get off the floor.
Taylor just signed a big deal with Clive Davis. Who`s beating your door down?
MCPHEE: Clive Davis.
BECK: Really?
MCPHEE: I`ll be signing with RCA Records, yes.
BECK: How cool is that?
MCPHEE: Yes, isn`t that great?
BECK: Yes.
MCPHEE: Top two actually, I think, is pretty much guaranteed that they get a record deal. So that was part of the reason why I was just so, like, at ease the top two finale.
BECK: You know, Ryan Seacrest said, "You know, you`re both winners tonight," and usually that`s a load of crap. You`re like, "No, one of us is a loser."
MCPHEE: Right.
BECK: But in this particular case, if you make it to the top two, even Chris. Chris is going to have a huge career in front of him.
MCPHEE: Chris is going to do really well. I think that he is talking to, you know, RCA, as well, you know, Clive Davis, as well, so...
BECK: Can you talk about behind the scenes at all? Can you talk about what it is like with the judges? Do you interact with them at all?
MCPHEE: There`s very little interaction with the judges. People always ask that question. "How`s it like? What are they like?"
And, you know, we see the judges pretty much as much as America does. I saw Randy Jackson a little bit more. Simon, the only time you saw Simon was when someone got voted off, and he would come up on the stage and say, you know, "Farewell," or, "You know, you`re going to be fine," and stuff like that.
BECK: Well, that`s nice of him.
MCPHEE: And Paula would give us a lot of her jewelry, which I`m actually wearing this afternoon.
(LAUGHTER)
BECK: Right.
MCPHEE: So we saw her, but she was always, like, you know, the cameras were always on her trying to promote her jewelry and stuff like that. She`s pretty much the same from what you see on TV, and Randy is just like this cool dude who just can`t stop talking.
BECK: Hey, I understand what you`re saying, dog. A little pitchy for me at first, but I get it. Congratulations, and best of luck for you.
MCPHEE: Thank you. Thank you so much.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BECK: All right, let`s get the week fired up just with a little bit of hate. I mean, that`s the way to start the week, isn`t it?
Claudia writes in: "Hey, Beck. I have four points on illegal immigration that piss me off after hearing about the big Canadian terror bust -- Claudia, Manhattan."
All right, Claudia, let`s take them one by one. "Point one, the TV media, including you, talks only about the Mexican border. You never hear about the concern regarding the Canadian border."
Well, for all of you television newbies, I have said over and over again on the radio show that securing our borders means securing all of our borders. Only the people who follow the rules should enter our country, period.
Obviously the Mexican border has been in the news lately, so we`ve been talking about it. There also isn`t a huge influx of Canadians clamoring to get into the U.S. The fact is that as much as 10 percent of Mexico`s population is already here illegally. It makes it far more visible and a pressing problem.
"Point number two, how many terrorists have been caught trying to cross the Mexican border? Oh, that`s right, none."
Well, Claudia, great point here. There was one high profile terrorist caught trying to cross the border -- it was the Canadian border. You remember the millennium bomber? He was caught trying to blow up LAX on New Year`s Eve.
In more ways than one, I`m more suspicious of anyone trying to illegally cross into the U.S. from Canada because they don`t have the obvious economic motivation. People worried about security need to remember that terror can come from the north just as easily as from the south.
"Point number three, although security is the reason everybody cites for keeping such a close eye on the Mexican border, the other reason is race. I don`t routinely pull out the race card, but the case is undeniable. Otherwise, we`d hear more about the Canadian border from the Lou Dobbs and the Glenn Becks of the TV world."
Well, I`m going to let Mr. Dobbs speak for himself, but as for race being a factor, it is deniable. In fact, I deny it. There it is, it`s denied. I don`t want illegal Canadians crossing the border. I don`t want illegal Swedes crossing the border. I don`t want illegal emperor penguins from the "March of the Penguins" waddling here all the way from Antarctica, unless they have the proper paperwork, then I`ll put them in a zoo. It`s not about the color of the skin, it`s about the content of your visa.
"Number four, I hate Glenn Beck." Well, I mean, a lot of people do. Claudia, let me ask you, do you know how many people are going to write just because of the color of my socks? I mean, come on. If I`m man enough to wear them, I`m man enough to hear your hate mail. Write to me at GlennBeck@CNN.com.
END
