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Glenn Beck

Comedian Discusses His Risque Material; What Plan for Peace in Middle East?; Was There a Mel Gibson Cover Up?

Aired August 02, 2006 - 19:00   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

ANNOUNCER: Today`s Glenn back is brought to you by me, the sun. I made it 100 degrees out yesterday, and it`s 101 today, and it`s going to be even hotter tomorrow. How do you like me now?
ROE CONN, HOST: Hey everybody, I`m Roe Conn sitting in for Glenn Beck, who`s offering Mel Gibson some spiritual guidance right now.

So, how about this crazy war? Now you know, Glenn thinks this is World War III. I say it`s World War IV. The Cold War, that was World War III. It lasted 45 years, served as the basis for some very cool James bond movies, except for the ones with Timothy Dalton.

Is it just me, or do you sort of miss the USSR? The Soviets were an enemy that made more sense. Now sure, they escalated the nuclear arms race and were responsible for Yakov Smiroff, but we had history together. They got us in a way that nobody really has since. They did great war.

Now, this is World War IV and we might as well relax and enjoy it because it`s not going anywhere, and that may be tough for the average American who thinks that "Dancing with the Stars" is a little too hard to follow.

We`re talking about religious zealots here with thousands of years of informed hatred on one another, and we here in America think Christmas is the day we celebrate the birthday of Santa Claus.

Those crazy kids over there in the Middle East have been slugging it out forever, and they`re not going to wrap it up this week just so you can take advantage of the "back to school" sale at Wal-Mart.

I think of it like my parents marriage. Now, they have their good days, but basically they would fight consistently. Mom threw out Dad`s favorite shirt. Dad made jokes about Mom`s cooking. Hezbollah kidnaps some Israeli soldiers. Israel launches tireless air strikes. The neighbors called the police when Dad screamed about how Mom destroyed his dreams. The U.N. is sending in peacekeeping forces. The similarities, very eerie. At least I think so.

Joining me now with quiet disdain as I oversimplify international conflict is Fawaz Gerges, professor of Middle East studies at Sarah Lawrence College and author of the ultimate beach book, "The Journey of the Jihadist: Inside Muslim Militancy".

Fawaz, my parents had absolutely no plan for peace. But I think you have some ideas here.

FAWAZ GERGES, AUTHOR, "THE JOURNEY OF THE JIHADIST": Well, I think, Roe, obviously, this is a very costly conflict, and unfortunately, I think civilian populations on both sides are paying a very high price.

In the case of Lebanon, you have almost 600 people, civilians, have been killed, 2,000 injured, almost a million people displaced. In the case of Israel you have dozens of Israeli civilians who have been killed. And I think one would hope that the blood letting and the bloodshed would stop.

And I think there is a peace plan offered by the Lebanese prime minister, Fouad Siniora, who is, Roe, a highly pro-western leader who basically says, "Listen, I have an answer for you." And the answer is to replace Hezbollah in Southern Lebanon by the Lebanese army and to expand the Lebanese government`s sovereignty over the entire country.

And I think this is good news, because I think it`s about time that the Lebanese government not only expands its sovereignty over the entire Lebanese territory, but also remain the only agency that has a monopoly on the use of force. The Lebanese government and the prime minister is saying we are willing to deal if a cease-fire is achieved now, today, or tomorrow.

CONN: Fawaz, that`s all well and good, but the reality here is that Syria is ultimately involved in the history and the future of Lebanon, and the Israelis got within seven miles of the Syrian border. How do you pull Syria out of this then?

GERGES: Well, as you know, Roe, Syria left Lebanon 15 months ago after the assassination of the Lebanese prime minister, Rafik Hariri. And you`re right, Syria is a major player in the equation. Iran is also a major player -- factor in the equation.

Hezbollah is armed and financed by both Iran and Syria, but I think what we`re talking about, we have a new situation now. And the new situation, it`s a national war, and this particular war, Roe, could really escalate and become a region-wide war not only between Israel and Lebanon, but Israel and Syria and Iran on the other hand.

And this is why I think it`s really essential to look at the peace plan that exists on the table today. Even Condoleezza Rice, our secretary of state, praised the peace plan offered by Fouad Siniora, the prime minister, and the peace plan says the following. Send the army to the Lebanese/Israeli border, expand the Lebanese sovereignty over the entire country, integrate Hezbollah fighters into the Lebanese army and resolve...

CONN: I`ve got to stop you right there. Integrate the Hezbollah into the army, here. The Hezbollah people are obviously very separate from a very weak Lebanese army. How can you actually have peace unless you dismantle Hezbollah?

GERGES: Roe, as you know, Hezbollah is partially integrated into the Lebanese government. As you know, Hezbollah has two cabinet -- two ministers in the Lebanese cabinet, and the two ministers on the 29th of July voted for the Siniora plan.

There is no way out of this particular conflict except by integrating Hezbollah fully into the Lebanese political process. That is for Hezbollah to become a political party as opposed to being a paramilitary organization. Even the United States, even the European community believes that`s the most effective and the most credible option that exists today.

CONN: Thank you very much.

Now in the last two days Israel has gone even deeper into Lebanon trying to shut down Hezbollah, which today launched over 200 missiles into Israel. While those missiles are being supplied by Syria, which supports Hezbollah, here now is David Schenker, a senior fellow in Arab politics at the Washington Institute.

Now exactly, David, what is Syria bringing to this party?

DAVID SCHENKER, SENIOR FELLOW, WASHINGTON INSTITUTE: Well, they`re a supporter -- a key supporter of Hezbollah. They also have been in Lebanon for decades and only recently were kicked out. They have a great deal of interest in staying in Lebanon and being reintroduced to Lebanon.

They also are isolated internationally and have their best ally is Iran, and so their relationship with Hezbollah is partially related to their relationship with Iran. They have a number of interests here in giving both the United States and Israel a black eye.

CONN: OK. How do we actually stop these missiles from coming across the border? I guess they`re coming from Damascus right down into -- into the fire zone in Lebanon. How do we stop it? What`s the way to get around that?

SCHENKER: Well, the Israelis appear to be blowing up Syrian armored trucks that are coming in carrying weapons for Hezbollah, but after a cease-fire there are a number of ways to do it. One way would be to engage a third party like Lloyds of London, for example, to...

CONN: The insurance company?

SCHENKER: Right, right, but they also had a monitoring company that was employed in 1991 during the Gulf War to monitor goods that were going into Jordan to make sure that no contraband was going to Saddam and they were fairly successful at this, at the U.N. and the government of Lebanon supported it. They could put them on the border and they would be like customs agents. That`s one way.

Another way, a little bit more difficult, would be to ban all Iranian flights from Syria. That`s a bigger political decision, however.

CONN: Well, is there actually a way, though, that we are monitoring, using spy satellites or anything else -- how do we know where they`re coming from and how many are coming in? Is there a way to -- for us to get involved, the United States to get involved in this?

SCHENKER: Well, I think that there`s good confidence through any number of means that the Iranians have been doing this, and of course, the Israelis are able to provide a lot of information, but we have -- independently can verify what the Iranians have been doing, and the proof is in the pudding.

You see that the missiles that are falling on Haifa are Iranian supplied. You see that the missile that hits the Israeli boat was -- was a Chinese made silkworm that was supplied by Iran.

CONN: I`ll stop you right there, because you brought up China. Is there a way to put pressure on China, because they want to be such an important economic partner with us to put pressure on them to make sure that their missiles aren`t ending up in Syrian hands that end up in Hezbollah hands?

SCHENKER: That`s a tough nut to crack. You think Hezbollah is tough. We have our own problems with China, but China has a strategic relationship with Iran based primarily on oil supply and investment -- investment in Iran.

And so there`s no chance, I don`t think, in us stopping Chinese supply of weapons to Iran, and it`s not exactly like we`re going to have leverage on China or we could go to Iran, for example, and ask them to not forward on these Chinese weapons. I think it`s really ridiculous proposition.

CONN: All right, David. Thank you very much. Appreciate it.

Up next, Mel Gibson`s apology, the sequel.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

CONN: OK, so on occasion I`ve been known to enjoy a drink or two, or six, and that was just during the last commercial break. But this is not just a subtle cry for help. I`m making a point.

Most of us have been drunk or certainly know someone who has been drunk. Drunks traditionally fall into some time-honored categories. There`s the happy drunk. There`s the angry drunk. There`s the sad drunk. There`s the "no, I`d much rather fill in for Glenn Beck than have my own TV show drunk."

What you don`t hear much about, though, is the anti-Semitic drunk. That`s unless you`re in Wisconsin, which brings us to today`s installment of Mel Gibson`s brave heartfelt apology.

Mel claims that it was the demon drink that got him seeing yellow stars, and that his repeated slip of the tongue about those "f-ing Jews" reflects his -- does not reflect his true feelings. What, exactly was this guy drinking?

Full disclosure: I`ve been on some ouzo benders and let a few things slip about the Dutch, but that`s it. Now wasn`t Mel just coming from a bar where he was knee-deep in blondes? What does this guy use for a pick-up line? "Hey lady, let`s party like it`s 1939"?

Now not only is Mel seeking forgiveness from the community, but he`s asking to meet with Jewish leaders to "help him find the appropriate path for healing." Sounds great, Mel, but just so you know, having lunch with your agents does not count as a meeting with Jewish leaders.

Besides the guilt, Mel`s also going to have to deal with the long arm of the law. Here to help us is our own civil rights attorney, Leo Terrell.

Leo...

LEO TERRELL, CIVIL RIGHTS ATTORNEY: Roe.

CONN: ... you`re convinced there was a cover up here with the police. Let`s talk about that first.

TERRELL: Yes, let me think about it. Absolutely a cover up. That original report should have been disclosed to the public, and any attempt to sanitize it is wrong. And it`s shameful for Lee Baca or anybody from the sheriff`s department to deny that original report was an attempt to cover up and give Mel Gibson special treatment.

CONN: OK. But you live in L.A. I`ve heard -- I`m not certain of this -- but I`ve heard there`s movie stars and influential people in Hollywood. I would imagine that these movie stars and influential people, not including the cast of "Lost". Because I guess they don`t know them well enough yet. But there`s a lot of influential people. I`ll bet some of them drink. I`ll bet some of them have been pulled over. In Chicago where I`m from, it`s called a buddy pass. You don`t think that happens all the time out there?

TERRELL: Absolutely, and it`s wrong. It tells -- it tells everyone in L.A. and throughout the country that if you don`t have economic dollars, if you`re not a multimillionaire, you`re going to be treated one way. It sends the wrong and mixed message to the average citizen.

Mel Gibson was given special treatment. Mel Gibson was driven back to his car. Mel Gibson was offered the opportunity to go to the police unhandcuffed. Mel Gibson, besides the fact that he hates Jews, Mel Gibson was given special status because he`s rich and famous, and the L.A. Sheriff`s Department has its pants down now because they got caught giving people like Mel Gibson special treatment. They wouldn`t give Leo Terrell or you special treatment unless we are multimillionaires and that`s what takes this thing sick.

CONN: Let`s talk about the legal process here. There is an investigation. There will be an internal investigation into this. Can you explain to me what the two reports were and how that all broke out?

TERRELL: Yes, let me make sure the public knows this. The sheriff`s department is not going to tell the truth on this. There is the original report. The original report that everybody knows about. That is the report of the incident and the facts that occurred while Mel Gibson was being arrested. That report is the first report.

Then there`s the magical supplemental report. The supplemental report are events that occurred after the arrest.

CONN: OK, Leo, stopping you -- stopping you for a minute. Is it really important to put in -- I mean, this is America. It`s a free country. He can say whatever he wants about Jews.

Is it fair to put that stuff into the report, because really all that`s going to do is embarrass him professionally. It has nothing to do with the DUI, as the L.A. County sheriff said. They said, you know, "Listen, all we did, we pulled him over. We arrested him. All the due diligence. We took the DUI report. I mean, everything was legally to the point that it was supposed to be.

TERRELL: Wrong. Wrong. Let me tell you right now, it shows his conduct, it goes to his credibility. He was belligerent. He was not cooperating. There should be a charge of resisting arrest.

So all these things, Roe, are relevant to show his conduct. He can`t get on a witness stand and say I was peaceful. I was calm. I was relaxed.

CONN: Wait a second. This is a DUI charge. This isn`t murder one. He can just cop and say, "Yes, I did it," plead guilty, and do -- take whatever the penalty is.

TERRELL: But the whole purpose of a police report is to report the conduct. And sometimes, Roe, it`s not only the actual DUI. It`s the surrounding event. His cooperation, and not -- listen, the key here is this. If you`re telling me that he should -- the comments about the Jews and his racial comments should be eliminated, wrong, because it wouldn`t be done for anyone else.

CONN: All right, Leo. I wish you had some opinions on this, and I wish you had some passion about it. I`m sorry about that.

TERRELL: Sorry.

CONN: Thank you very much.

TERRELL: My pleasure.

CONN: So who else has Mel ticked off? Well, let`s start with the Anti-Defamation League. Joining us now is Abraham Foxman, its national director.

Abe, do you buy the apology?

ABRAHAM FOXMAN, DIRECTOR, ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE: Well, I would like to. I believe people can have epiphanies. I`m with the Anti-Defamation League all my life, and we believe that, you know, people can change their hearts and minds.

If I didn`t believe that, I wouldn`t go to work. I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. I would like to believe that, even though these words were delivered by his handlers and his P.R. people, that in fact, he had a falling from grace, a falling, you know, from up high, and that he woke up to realize he`s got a couple of addictions: alcoholism and prejudice, and I...

CONN: And Abe, I might stop you there. And blondes, as well. I saw the pictures from the nightclub. Pretty good.

But let me ask you this. You`re still waiting for an apology from "The Passion of the Christ", aren`t you? I mean, didn`t you meet, and your group met with him in advance of "Passion of the Christ" and were concerned about how Jews were portrayed in that movie, and did he ever talk to you after that?

FOXMAN: No, well, that`s another one of the concerns. Because while the controversy on "The Passion of the Christ" was on, the same handlers, the same P.R. people reached out. I had a call from his agent who told me that Mel Gibson is a decent wonderful human being who doesn`t have a prejudiced bone in his body. He liked the approach that we were taking. We were respectful of him, and Mel Gibson wants to come and sit and talk.

Well, this is the first time you and I, Roe, are talking. I haven`t yet talked to Mel Gibson. So in a way it may be a ploy. In a way, it may be just a P.R. gimmick. But I hope not. I think -- I think he -- the response from Hollywood this time is a lot different than it was last time.

CONN: Now, let me ask you about this offer that was made. There was a rabbi who said he wanted to have Mel come to a synagogue for the high holidays and speak to the congregation. Do you think that`s a good idea?

FOXMAN: That`s a shtick. I would -- if I were a member of that congregation, not only wouldn`t I attend those services, but I`m not sure I`d continue the employment of the rabbi. That`s base P.R. shtick, his 15 minutes in the sun. Why would you bring a bigot, an anti-Semite in the highest holy days in the Jewish tradition, into your home? He`s got a long way to go. And this is the beginning.

CONN: Let me stop you there. What does he need to do? What`s the solution here?

FOXMAN: The first part, if he said it, and if he means it, that`s the beginning. It`s the same thing with alcoholism. A lot of people deny that they`re alcoholics and that they will never be repaired, they will never be reformed, they`ll never be made whole.

In the same way he`s got an addiction. His addiction is prejudice. It`s anti-Semitism. Whether he got it from his father or whether he got it from his Christian teachings, whether it`s part of his social angst, we don`t know. But the first step -- the first step is to admit that you`re a bigot, to admit that you`ve got a problem.

Now we need to still ascertain how sincere that is, and what -- yes -- if he does, you know, then we can get a process of education and reeducation and sensitivity.

CONN: Abe, thanks very much.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

CONN: Each night on the program, Glenn talks to top talk radio hosts around the country, like myself, to get a sense of what`s going on, what the big stories are in each city. Now tonight, I`m checking the buzz with Pat Gray from Houston, host at 950 KPRC.

Now, Pat, we`re in New York today. You`re in Houston. I just left Chicago yesterday. It was 180 degrees in Chicago when I took off, and it was 240 when I landed at La Guardia last night.

PAY GRAY, RADIO TALK SHOW HOST: Wow.

CONN: It is summer; it is hot.

GRAY: Yes.

CONN: Is your sweat boiling on your forehead in Houston?

GRAY: Pretty much. Yes, but that`s -- you know, I just read where it was, what, 90 for eight straight days in Chicago? Here in Houston we call that January.

So yes, I`m a little weirded out by the heat hysteria syndrome that we`re going through right now. It gets hot in the summer, right?

CONN: Right. You know, Pat, you`re in Houston. You`re in a southern city there. You`re in a warm climate city, tropical city, I guess. You know, up here, in the higher latitudes, we have New York, we have Chicago, we have all these places that have winters. And when we have the winter -- see, here`s the deal. There`s been, like, 47,000 inches of snow this winter. There`s going -- people are going to be freezing. It will be below zero someplace, and man, remember that day it was 180? I so remember that day. This is what we practice for all winter long. And now we`re complaining about it while it`s happened.

GRAY: I think we`re kind of caught in an inconvenient truth vortex, because of Al Gore`s movie. Everything that happens is unprecedented. It`s never happened before. I used to live back East. I know it gets into the 90s. We took the kids one time to the Washington mall and got out of the car. It was so hot we had to use oven mitts to tough the steering wheel.

We got out of the car here at the mall to go to the Washington monument. It was so hot we saw Ted Kennedy walk by. He was sweating gravy. We were afraid for the kid`s lives, because I think it was 285 degrees that day.

CONN: By the way, that Jack Daniels gravy that he was sweating probably.

GRAY: OK.

CONN: All right. Now, some trouble in Houston, actually. The daughter of the mayor got picked up for a DUI. Was Mel Gibson in the car?

GRAY: He wasn`t. I think he was busy with that blonde we saw him with the other day, but yes, she was arrested on suspicion, allegedly driving under the influence of alcohol. And it`s interesting because mayor -- our mayor here has just proposed a 10 p.m. curfew for all of our teenagers.

CONN: Just for his own kids probably. Right? I mean, that`s the way to do it.

GRAY: Except for his own kids. Because it was 12:15 when she was pulled over. And so I`d like to propose that if all mayors and city councils all over the country would just start that 10 p.m. curfew in their own homes, we`ll wait about five years and see if we even need to propose curfews for the rest of us after that period of time.

CONN: Is this going to affect him politically? What`s the situation?

GRAY: He`s pretty popular. I don`t think it`s going to damage him too much. It depends on how he handles it from here, and he said that in their family, they believe in taking personal responsibility, but then on the other hand, he called it a mistake.

So I think time will tell, but -- but I think if he would have started the 10 p.m. curfew in his own home, we might not be worried about it.

CONN: All right. Thanks, Pat.

GRAY: All right. Thanks, Roe.

CONN: Appreciate it.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

CONN: Welcome back. I`m Roe Conn, filling in for the persistently vacationing Glenn Beck.

Now, let`s get right to the best part of the day. Time to go "Straight to the Hill," Erica Hill, anchor of "PRIME NEWS" on Headline News.

ERICA HILL, CNN HEADLINE NEWS ANCHOR: You`re too kind. Thanks.

CONN: This is the best part of the day.

HILL: He does take a lot of vacations, doesn`t he?

CONN: I don`t think the man works for a living, quite honestly.

HILL: I need to get his agent. How about you?

CONN: I have his agent, so it worked out beautifully.

HILL: Oh, well, all right.

CONN: That`s another story.

HILL: How about a little news for you?

CONN: That would be good.

HILL: All right, we`re actually going to start off in Iraq. We haven`t been hearing as much about Iraq lately with so much going on in the Middle East. But today we`re learning Iraqi forces will take over security for the country by the end of the year. That news coming today from Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, who says the transition will be gradual and that multinational forces will play a supportive role.

We should point out though this is the first time that a time line has been given by Iraq for Iraqi forces taking over, so a pretty big deal there.

CONN: OK. Going to stop you right there. Does that mean that American troops are coming home? No. What does that really mean?

HILL: Well, what they`re saying is they`re transitioning control, but they will still be there in a supportive role.

CONN: OK, all right. I`m not sure I believe it, but...

HILL: Call up Secretary Rumsfeld. He`ll give you an answer.

CONN: He scares me. You don`t want to be the guy who just calls him, and, "Who`s this?" You don`t want that.

HILL: But the press conferences are always fun to watch, because you never know what he`s going to say. I like watching him. But anyway, moving on now to Cuba, getting a lot of attention over the last couple of days.

We`re getting an update on Fidel Castro`s condition from himself. State media quoting a statement today from the Cuban leader in which Castro says he`s in good spirits and is stable, but that the details of his health are secret. No word from his brother, Raul, who has, of course, taken over control of the island nation temporarily.

CONN: Do you think this is the new Cuban HIPAA law that is in effect that requires that we not know what his actual status is? And unless he`s, like, calling us up on the phone or we`re seeing pictures of him doing this, why are we to believe that he`s OK?

HILL: You`re saying you`re not buying the statement from Castro himself?

CONN: I`m just not buying it. And also, isn`t it suspicious that he`s got a brother named Raul? Who doesn`t have a brother named Raul, right?

HILL: I don`t. But I don`t have any brothers, so maybe that`s why.

CONN: Next story?

HILL: OK, Floyd Landis, how about that?

Poor guy. It`s been a tough few days for him. The Tour de France winner, his doctor now telling "The New York Times" that Landis did have more than twice the legal limit of testosterone in his urine sample, but he also notes that, while it was high, it was 11 to one, it wasn`t, quote, "off the charts."

Of course, the results of that second test of the sample are expected by the end of this week. If it does come back positive, Landis faces a two-year cycling ban and could also lose his tour title. If it`s negative, the charges will be dropped. Landis maintains his innocence.

CONN: You know, I wonder, is that a good pickup line, when you go, "You know I just have naturally high testosterone, you know"? I mean, that is his excuse for this.

HILL: I`m not going to touch that one.

CONN: Yes, try not to. All right, thank you very much, Erica Hill.

HILL: Bye.

CONN: A new health study says that, despite conventional wisdom, there`s really very little difference in the testosterone levels -- speaking of that -- between the men with low libido and those with high libido. So what happens when "not tonight, honey" turns into "never again, honey"? Maybe you just find your partner repulsive, right?

But if it`s Jessica Alba lying next to you and still nothing, maybe you`ve got to consider the term "asexual." Glenn caught up with one couple to find out what it`s like to be in a relationship where both parties have no sex drive. Isn`t that called "being married"?

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

GLENN BECK, HOST (voice-over): Sex. Nowadays it seems like there`s something for everybody. Whether you`re into leather, or rubber, or plaster, I mean, you might even go for mermaids or perhaps robots are your thing. Some people are even turned on by like the gross stuff. I mean, stuff like this. Hey, if it turns you on, rest assured there`s definitely some freak out there with a Web site ready to cater to your every desire.

But what happens if nothing really turns you on? I mean, if a picture of this does the same thing to you as a picture of this? Yes, sick, isn`t it? That`s when you are what scientists call asexual.

Asexuals are people with absolutely no interest in sex of any kind, not with people of the opposite sex, not with people of the same sex, not with themselves, nothing. According to recent studies, asexuals make up as much as 1 percent of our population. We got to thinking, I mean, who are these people? I know plenty of women that aren`t really interested in sex, but guys?

Let`s take a little trip into bizarro land and meet Paul and Amanda, two asexuals who knew right from the start that they were just right for each other.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Paul and I are both members of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. So we ended up meeting up, and we got to be good friends. And eventually we just started dating.

BECK: And then naturally one thing led to another, which led to, well, you know, absolutely nothing. Ah, to be young, in love, and asexual. I could just picture it now. "Oh, so you want to come over to my place or something?" "I don`t know. You promise you won`t do anything?" "Of course not. I`m completely asexual." "Oh, me too." "Oh, I am so getting not turned on right now."

So what is it that Paul and Amanda do, you know, besides like talk and play Scrabble? Well, they told us they like to experiment. Oh, yes, that`s when things really start to get cooking.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You guys have been on a bit of a goat kick recently.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: A what kick?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Goat.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This area there`s a lot of...

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You know, like actual goat meat. It`s really good.

BECK: Wait, wait, wait, wait. So these guys will eat goat, but they think sex is disgusting?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The difference between, I think, trying a small piece of goat and having sex is that, if you really don`t like the goat, you can spit it out.

BECK: Well, hold on, I mean, you can -- no, never mind. That`s beneath us, and not a lot is. So you may be wondering -- I mean, I know I was -- how in the world do you become an asexual? And if you do become one, is there something you can take to get rid of it?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I knew when I was in high school that I was different and I had different opinions about sex, that I didn`t really worry about it too much.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: People, you know, will start asking you whether you`re gay because you`re not talking about girls, and that`s when you start to wonder.

BECK: So if you find yourself constantly fantasizing about playing a really good game of Scrabble or maybe eating goat, just know even you are not alone. Well, actually, you know, you probably are, but -- I guess the lesson here is there`s somebody for everyone.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: We`re affectionate. We like to be together. In most ways, really, we`re a pretty normal couple. You know, there`s just certain things that neither of us want to do, so we don`t do. So I mean, really, all it is, is one of the most perfectly sexually compatible couples there is.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

AHMED AHMED, COMEDIAN: Whenever I get on a plane, I always know who the air marshal is. Yes, it`s the guy who`s sitting there with the "People" magazine upside down looking right at me.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

CONN: That is funny stuff, especially to a white guy like me. Now, let`s face it: Making jokes about profiling or terrorism or the Middle East is tricky turf for a comedian these days. My next guest walks that line every time he steps onto the stage, currently on the road with the "Axis of Evil" comedy tour. Actually, he`s right here with us right now.

Ahmed Ahmed, welcome to the show.

AHMED: What`s up? Thanks for having me.

CONN: Thanks for coming by. All right, now explain a little bit about your background now. You`re Egyptian by birth, right?

AHMED: Yes, I`m one American first and foremost, let`s just put that out there on the table. But I`m Egyptian. I was raised Muslim, but Egypt is where I was born. That`s my background.

CONN: And now are Egyptians known for their comedy? I mean, they`re known for pyramids.

AHMED: They`re known for their pyramids. They`re known for the Sphinx. Yes, the Egyptians are actually known for -- if you ask most Middle Eastern people who the funny people are in the Middle East -- and I`m not saying this because I`m Egyptian -- but they`ll say it`s the Egyptians.

CONN: Just like what we say about the Canadians, it`s the same sort of thing? They`re very, very funny people.

AHMED: And they use Monopoly money, the Canadians.

CONN: Explain what the "Axis of Evil" comedy tour is.

AHMED: The "Axis of Evil" comedy tour was a show that was put together years ago, actually before September 11th. Mitzi Shore, who owns a comedy store in Hollywood, had this sort of epiphany that there was going to be some troubles between America and the Middle East, and she wanted to be the first club owner to put Arabs on her stage and Middle Eastern people on her stage. She`s Jewish, by the way, which I thought was interesting.

CONN: That`s Pauly Shore`s mom, right?

AHMED: Pauly Shore`s mom.

CONN: We still haven`t forgiven her for that, by the way.

AHMED: That`s between you and her. So she started this show called Arabian Knights. But because Maz is on her show and he`s Persian, and Persians aren`t Arabs, we had to change the title. So we changed it to the "Axis of Evil" comedy tour.

CONN: Well, here in America, we wouldn`t have figured that out. It would have been fine. You could have done the whole thing.

AHMED: Yes, but the Persians, the Iranians, they don`t like to be called Arabs. They are not Arabs. They had their own empire, remember?

CONN: Oh, yes, that`s true. So all right now September 11th occurs and obviously changes the dynamic of what you were going to do, right?

AHMED: Well, you know, all of us have sort of been saying this sort of same thing. We all went to bed as September 10th as Americans, woke up September 11th as suspected terrorists. So, you know, of course, our material changed, and it had to, because we were dealing with, as you said earlier, racial profiling, being detained, getting arrested.

You know, I think more importantly we`re all just trying to say that we`re Americans and, you know, we want to talk about what it`s like to have come from that culture or come from that religion, but we`re all Americans.

CONN: Now, you grew up in L.A. You had a lot of Jewish friends, right. And it says on your Web site -- I think that`s a good -- it doesn`t say that on Mel Gibson`s Web site, so I think that`s a good thing. How are your Jewish friends taking this? Is it all good?

AHMED: Yes, I mean, you know, my Jewish friends in Los Angeles are all in the entertainment industry, so they`re all very liberal and open- minded. And, you know, I think they see both sides, you know, of what`s going on in the Middle East, you know, between Israel, and Palestine, and Lebanon. There`s so much history there. You know, it goes back, you know, 48 years, and...

CONN: This ultimately is tragedy, plus time, plus more time, plus more time. We actually have a clip from your Comedy Central special that you`re doing that kind of addresses this point.

AHMED: OK.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

AHMED: I`m like, look, if you think about it, both Jews and Muslims have more in common than any other religion ever. Both Jews and Muslims don`t eat pork. We don`t celebrate Christmas. We both use "hach" in our pronunciation.

(LAUGHTER)

We`re both hairy as (bleep) monkeys. We both yell on the phone when there`s no emergency. Yes, yes, we...

(END VIDEO CLIP)

CONN: Now, can you work in what`s going on right now in Lebanon or is it too close to the bone there?

AHMED: The only thing that -- it is too close to the bone, and it`s unfortunate that there`s so much tragedy going on over there, because whenever there`s a tragedy there`s nothing funny about it. Enough time gets in the way, you know, then you can start sort of make light of it. I mean, the only thing I think is kind of amusing...

CONN: I`ve got to stop you on that, because "Hezbollah" is a funny word.

AHMED: Well, you know what? Hezbollah is such a funny word because everybody can say it. Everyone can pronounce it.

(CROSSTALK)

CONN: Well, a different way, you get...

AHMED: "Hezbollah, Hezbollah." It`s like, "Hezbollah." But it`s sort of like when you`re watching the news and watching a documentary, it`s like the World Cup of war. You know, it`s like everybody`s commentating of what`s going on. Lights out for Iraq. You know, it becomes kind of humorous when you look at it that way, I think.

CONN: Ahmed, thanks very much. Look for the "Axis of Evil" comedy tour to be pulling into a neighborhood near you. Just follow the police sirens.

OK, so now a lot of you have been asking where Glenn is and why he needs a vacation. I have no idea where Glenn is. But the vacation? I`m all for it, since it gives me a chance to show why I deserve my own show.

Now, you`ve probably heard Glenn whine about how hard he "works." He`s got this show. He`s got a radio show. He`s got a stage show, blah, blah, blah, blah. But did you ever wonder what it`s like to work for the guy? Well, his staff of suck-ups put together a little video to show what life is like behind the scenes with the real Glenn Beck.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

BECK: Putting the "radio" back into Radio City, hello, you sick, twisted freaks. This is the third-most-listened-to show in all of America. I know. It says a lot about us as a country, doesn`t it?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: When you hear him on the radio, that is Glenn Beck. He really is a genuine guy.

BECK: A report out today that saying that Tamiflu is good for the bird flu, et cetera, et cetera...

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Of all the things that Glenn cares about...

BECK: See if you can get some for me.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: ... family, family.

BECK: Yes, I was going to say get some for Tania and the kids, too, but it looks like it`s pretty expensive.

You`re really starting to irritate me.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: On a daily basis, I mean, I do a lot of things for Glenn.

BECK: This soda was about five minutes late.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He seems very appreciative of everything that I do.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: He doesn`t care about credit. He`s always worried about making sure that we receive our own, and you can see that in the name of the program.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you want to do -- like, to start it off, like a day-in-the-life piece where we can kind of film you for the day, kind of see...

BECK: And we`d play it at the beginning of the stage show?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes.

BECK: And it would just be what I`m doing every day?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: If he likes the idea, he`ll tell you he loves it. And if he doesn`t, he`ll tell you he doesn`t.

BECK: That`s a good idea.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Thanks.

BECK: Nice job. Good thinking, Stu.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: If he does like the idea, he`ll go with it and, you know, he`ll make sure that when he`s talking to other people, he makes sure that people know that this was your idea.

BECK: Yes, Rich, listen, just had this idea. What do you think about doing something to start the stage show where, like, it`s a day in the life, you know? Yes, yes, I know. Genius.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Glenn Beck, please hold. Glenn Back, please hold. Glenn Beck, please hold.

BECK: I want you to highlight "genius" and "best job ever."

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is obviously the best job I`ve ever had. If he`s ever yelling, it`s because he`s upset with himself.

BECK: Get the car!

You say nice things. Nice things. You like working here. I`m a good guy. You understand? And I know you just got married, but I swear to you I will fire you like that.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: People are so friendly and so great. Everyone`s happy and smiling.

BECK: Let`s take troops and march across the border. I mean, not the Mexican border, the Iranian border.

I try to ride the subway without actually touching anything, just because you don`t know where things have been down here.

I`ll tell you, man, I`m going to be dead by the time we -- vitamins, vitamins, vitamins.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I got a kid who has been growing his hair for charity.

BECK: Yes, no, I don`t...

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Glenn, he is really a unique thinker.

BECK: OK, I mean, I hate to do your job for you, but how about this: Have you heard about the kid who`s growing his hair for charity?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, wow.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: His hair?

BECK: Tonight, we`re going to do something a little different, and sometimes my emotions get in the way of the story. Quite frankly, it`s not something that`s real easy for me to talk about. It`s a story of both heartache...

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Glenn, we`re getting a little feedback in your audio. Maybe we could take it from the top, I think.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There`s no phoniness to him. It`s real. He`s a genuine guy. He`s a good guy. What you see is what you get. There are no surprises with him.

BECK: And sometimes my emotions get the best of me, but, damn it, we`re going to struggle through this together.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This job is an oasis.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I just love coming in here to work. You know what? And I hate to even call it work.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Sometimes my weekends drag. I just can`t believe they pay me for this.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I can`t imagine working anywhere else.

BECK: Yes, no, no, everybody was good. Everybody working hard. It`s just -- I mean, it`s just really going to come as shock to them when I fire them all Friday.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

CONN: Now, I`ve been looking at Glenn`s e-mail on his computer. I`ve also been surfing porn using his user name. And I began to understand exactly who you people are who watch this show. And I`ve got to admit, it`s a little scary.

First, though, a preview of tonight`s NANCY GRACE on "Headline Prime" -- Nancy?

NANCY GRACE, HOST: Tonight, Hollywood icon Mel Gibson facing the consequences after another DUI. Did Gibson get star treatment by police? Will his anti-Semitic and his anti-woman comments come before all jury? Or will there be no jury? Will he just get a little slap on the wrist? And will a liposuction procedure end in murder charges?

CONN: Thanks, Nancy. NANCY GRACE every night after this show at 8:00 and 10:00 p.m. Eastern here on "Headline Prime."

All right, now to your e-mails. And what`s great about this is Glenn isn`t here. He can`t defend himself, and I can do or say anything I want, and he can`t do anything about it.

First letter. "Hey, Glenn, just want to let you know that you`re growing on me. First time, not 60 seconds before I changed the channel. At some point, I found I was up to 20 minutes. Tonight, I made it a whole 30 minutes. The question is: Are you getting less obnoxious or are the writers getting better? Cindy."

Cindy, let me set the record straight. First of all, Glenn is definitely, unequivocally, no less obnoxious today than he was the first day he started his show back in May. That brings us to the writers.

I will now read a prepared statement: "The writers on this show are without a doubt the best in the business. Not only talented, they`re extremely good-looking. So are the producers, the director" -- can you move it a long a little -- thank you -- "And furthermore, they are a pleasure to work with."

OK. Our next letter is from Kate in Boca Raton. Kate writes, "Dear Glenn, it is so refreshing to find someone with a new perspective on what`s going on in the world today. You`re smart, you`re funny, you`re on the money. This will probably wind up in the waste basket, but I love your show!"

Well, Kate, you`re right about one thing.

OK, but what about me though? Here`s your chance to tell Glenn what a great job I`m doing filling in for him while he`s off doing community service. Drop us a line at GlennBeck@CNN.com. And since I`ve stolen his password, I can actually read them.

I`m Roe Conn. We`ll see you right back here tomorrow night. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Try to stay cool.

END