Return to Transcripts main page
Joy Behar Page
Kathy Out Loud; Life According to Louis
Aired August 30, 2010 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
JOY BEHAR, HOST: With me now is someone other than Mel Gibson, who knows a thing or two about crazy rants and uncontrollable swearing. The controversial comedienne and star of Bravo`s "My Life on the D-List", the very funny, Kathy Griffin.
KATHY GRIFFIN, COMEDIENNE: Double Emmy Award winning and also Emmy nominated for this year.
BEHAR: And extremely modest.
GRIFFIN: Screw you, "Myth Busters". Here I`ll bust your myth. I have no follow-up. Sorry --
BEHAR: Ok.
GRIFFIN: -- I just want to win.
BEHAR: Well, aren`t you loving Mel Gibson`s rants? Hilarious.
GRIFFIN: It`s heaven. You know Joan Rivers and I sent him a co- muffin basket. We chipped in for a muffin basket because as a woman, as an American, it`s horrible. As a comedian, it`s a gift from Baby Jesus.
BEHAR: That`s true.
GRIFFIN: It`s fantastic.
BEHAR: But you know he has an obsession with oral sex. Now you know I think --
GRIFFIN: That`s fine. That`s not the bad part.
BEHAR: Why? I think it is --
GRIFFIN: It`s the punching her teeth out that I have an issue with.
BEHAR: Yes of course.
GRIFFIN: The oral sex I`m all for it.
BEHAR: Yes but --
GRIFFIN: But when it comes with the punched-out teeth allegedly --
BEHAR: Why are you all for it when he`s demanding it? You don`t want to be --
GRIFFIN: I enjoy hearing the rants because I like to role play in my head. And I hear them and like I sit at home in my house alone --
BEHAR: Yes.
GRIFFIN: -- yelling back at the tape of him.
BEHAR: Yes.
GRIFFIN: But that`s fun.
BEHAR: But what kind of man is that? What kind of man is that?
GRIFFIN: Screw you. Who do you think you are?
BEHAR: I played her part.
GRIFFIN: I play both parts.
BEHAR: Oh no I only like her part.
GRIFFIN: Ok.
BEHAR: What kind of man is that --
GRIFFIN: What kind of man --
BEHAR: -- that hits a woman with a child -- what kind of man is that?
GRIFFIN: But I like to play his part because he does the -- like he didn`t know she had the fake boobs.
BEHAR: I know.
GRIFFIN: That was shock to him.
BEHAR: Exactly.
GRIFFIN: What? I was in my church that`s in my yard and I couldn`t believe -- I mean, I love, I love the panting and the fact that he has a church in his yard.
BEHAR: I know. It`s so great.
GRIFFIN: It`s beyond Hollywood. Because in Hollywood you have a pool, maybe a naughty pool boy. Having the church on the property, he thinks he`s the Pope.
BEHAR: He does.
GRIFFIN: Come on.
BEHAR: Well, he doesn`t want to be Pope right now. Hello.
GRIFFIN: Not today. But he might need the Pope mobile.
BEHAR: Now you got in some trouble for your own. On your own over --
GRIFFIN: I love it, yes.
BEHAR: -- over something you said on a recent episode of "My Life on the D-List".
GRIFFIN: Do we have a clip?
BEHAR: Let`s take a look -- of course, we have a clip.
GRIFFIN: The Emmy nominated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
GRIFFIN: Scott Brown, who is a Senator from Massachusetts --
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes.
GRIFFIN: -- and has two daughters that are prostitutes.
And now a brief message from Bravo`s legal team. Scott Brown`s daughters are not prostitutes. We now return you to our regularly scheduled negativity.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Ok now, whose -- whose idea was it, was the disclaimer?
GRIFFIN: Gee, I wonder. Bravo legal?
BEHAR: But that was you -- wasn`t that your voice?
GRIFFIN: Well, I love doing the voice-over. The voice-over is hysterical in my opinion and Emmy worthy.
Look, here is the deal. The genesis of the joke, you won`t like -- does anybody remember that the night he was elected he made a joke, he was clearly making a joke saying by the way, my daughters are available. And then the Washington press beat up on him saying he was pimping out his daughters.
So on "My Life on the D-List" we actually had some real -- you know Washington insider showing me like 15 pictures of people on the Hill, et cetera. And my joke was I didn`t know who they were.
So they show me a picture of Sonia Sotomayor and I say, oh the maid from "Will & Grace" -- there is the joke. Then they show me Scott Brown and I go, his daughters are prostitutes -- meaning like word association.
BEHAR: Right.
GRIFFIN: So people got the their panties in the bucket --
BEHAR: And including Barney Frank.
GRIFFIN: Barney Frank got his panties in a bunch --
BEHAR: That`s right.
GRIFFIN: -- which takes a lot. Because apparently when he and the boyfriend go to P-town, there`s a lot of panties in a bunch.
And so I met with Barney Frank, who, of course I admired, an openly gay Congressman. I`m thinking oh this is fantastic. And he sat down with me for "My Life on the D-List" and spent half the interview telling me he`d never seen it, he didn`t want to do it. His boyfriend likes me. That`s why, I`m like, yes, I`ve heard this all many times before.
But yes, whenever a statement is issued against me, I`m in heaven. I feel my next special is half written for me.
And then I get to read statements allowed in my live shows which you can go to KathyGriffin.net and see the many, many cities I`ve picked up for my current tour.
BEHAR: Ok.
GRIFFIN: What?
BEHAR: So you`re really feeling bad about it all? Ok, I mean, when Barney Frank turns on you, one of your gays, you have to start to wonder.
GRIFFIN: Hey, the gays, look, there is -- that`s -- there is a reason that that flag has colors. There`s many levels and colors. There`s not just -- I mean, I make the joke about the gays, but there`s many, many kinds of gay people like there are many, many kinds of straight people.
And you know, he`s -- he`s one of my gays. He just doesn`t know it because he doesn`t know you know who I am, as usual.
BEHAR: Ok now you were in Washington to protest "don`t ask, don`t tell" with Lieutenant Dan Choi who was on my show.
GRIFFIN: Yes.
BEHAR: Now, yesterday he was honorably discharged for being gay? What do you make of that?
GRIFFIN: He was -- was he honorably discharged?
BEHAR: Honorably yes.
GRIFFIN: Boy, I don`t know what that means, because to me if he was discharged for being gay, then I don`t know how honorable that is.
Look, I think that the reason that I did the episode about the repeal of "don`t ask, don`t tell" is I think that people that are for the repeal of "don`t ask, don`t tell" truly are going to be on the right side of history. I mean, honestly.
BEHAR: That`s right.
GRIFFIN: I think that this is something that in a very short time we`re going to look back and we`re going to say, really? And you know, I`ve been to Iraq and Afghanistan on camera and off, and I`ve been to Walter Reed, et cetera. And knowing that there are thousands of brave men and women, gay brave men and women who have been discharged --
BEHAR: Right.
GRIFFIN: -- thousands and thousands currently serving overseas -- currently serving in the war zones, I really was just trying to give them a voice.
BEHAR: All right.
GRIFFIN: That`s the way I protest. I make jokes about it. I say silly things. I gather as many people as possible.
BEHAR: Well, you`re very good to the gay community and they know it.
GRIFFIN: And by the way, that`s why when I`m called something like scum, I really don`t care. I say fine, call me scum all day.
Yes, I know it was a little silly to get a public pap smear and my mother isn`t technically speaking to me. But you know what? I thought it was kind of wild and a wild thing to do.
And on "My Life on the D-List" we try to do things that have never been done. And in that same episode, my tour manager Tom actually had his balls waxed.
BEHAR: I`m so happy for him.
GRIFFIN: Well, that`s never been done. Don`t act like you guys do that on this show. When was the last time you had your balls waxed?
BEHAR: Only the cameramen get that done. Not the rest of the staff.
GRIFFIN: Fingers crossed guys. Go to a safe place.
BEHAR: Ok. So somebody calls you scum, you have your own way of saying things about people. So people are going to come back at you Kathy.
GRIFFIN: I trash about everybody, yes.
BEHAR: So then they`re going to say trash back to you.
GRIFFIN: Fine, of course.
By the way, you`re on a show called "The View". That`s the idea, everybody has a point of view. They`re all allowed to have a point of view.
I do shows, I have walkouts. I have people write letters of protest. I have people clap; I have people stand and everything in between. That`s what I love about it.
BEHAR: I was reading a New York magazine article about Joan Rivers.
GRIFFIN: Yes.
BEHAR: And she says that --
GRIFFIN: I love that documentary about her, by the way a piece of work.
BEHAR: Oh, it`s great. I loved it. It`s brilliant. She was saying something about you in there.
GRIFFIN: What?
BEHAR: She was just saying like that she`s frightened of you because you`re as driven as she is, as obsessed and possessed for success that she is.
GRIFFIN: She came over to my house for dinner four nights ago. And we just sat at the kitchen table and chatted. And that`s something we have in common. We have --
BEHAR: What drives the two of you to that extent?
GRIFFIN: Well, you know what -- you can call it a blind ambition or you can say -- you know, you said to me on "My Life on the D-List", you know you`re going to die alone and I said, you know, alone and miserable and I laughed. And I said, yes.
But the truth of the matter is, I really do love stand-up and it really is my first love. And so that`s why I do it so much.
Am I ruthlessly driven? I don`t know. I`m doing what I love to do the very, very most. I love doing "My Life on the D-List", I love doing stand up --
BEHAR: But you don`t have to die alone if you would just get back with Levi Johnston and take him away from that Bristol Palin
GRIFFIN: I need a minute. I didn`t know we were going to go there. Take it down, Diane Sawyer. I thought this was going to be a little more light-hearted.
I am a broken woman, Joy. I need help. You get over here and hug me because Levi has left me for that woman -- that woman.
I`m in the middle of --
BEHAR: Maybe if you got knocked up, he would have stayed with you.
GRIFFIN: Did you read the "Enquirer"? It said we had multiple sex romps. To be in the "Enquirer" and say that I had multiple --
BEHAR: A dream come true.
GRIFFIN: Oh, it was heaven. Once again, I can`t get to the stage fast enough. It`s fantastic.
BEHAR: They say that they`re staying abstinent until the wedding. Do you buy it, those two?
GRIFFIN: Is this rhetorical? Are you just -- come on --
BEHAR: I`m just asking.
GRIFFIN: You`re just asking. Just asking.
BEHAR: As they say in the hood, I`m just x-ing.
GRIFFIN: You know what? I`m someone who`s had multiple sex romps; I hardly go along with that.
BEHAR: All right. As always, a wonderful treat to see you, Miss Kathy.
GRIFFIN: My treat.
BEHAR: Catch her on "My Life on the D-List Tuesdays at 10:00 p.m. on Bravo and get her book or she`ll come to your house and stab you. "The Official Book Club Selection" now in paperback.
Back in a minute.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Is that ok?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, that`s ok.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How about that?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, that`s all right.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: How about this?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Jesus why?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is serious.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What`s wrong with you?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is serious.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: There`s no way it is supposed to go in and out like that.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, it can do. I`m a doctor.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: And it tells me that everything is fine up there.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Stand-up comedian Louis C.K. is no stranger to controversy and now he`ll be no stranger to TV audiences. Again, he was on TV with something else, but the star of the new comedy "Louie" joins me. Louis C.K.
LOUIS, C.K., STAR, "Louie": Hi.
BEHAR: Ok, that is hilarious. Ricky Gervais` character, well -- he got all the laughs though, in that.
C.K.: No, I was so happy to let him steal my show.
BEHAR: Oh that`s right.
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: Before we do that --
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: Did you watch the last segment on Mel Gibson?
C.K.: I kind of, yes. I`m a little confused by all that stuff. I don`t know.
BEHAR: Why, what do you think? What do you mean? What are you confused about?
C.K.: I mean, it`s just so much -- I get the collision of him and Lindsay and all these people.
BEHAR: Oh yes I know.
C.K.: I don`t know what`s going on -- did Lindsay hit a woman? I don`t understand how.
BEHAR: No, no Lindsay has nothing to do with Mel Gibson whatsoever.
C.K.: No, all right. All right.
BEHAR: So all right, forget about it. Let`s talk about your show.
C.K.: I want to apologize because I had -- I actually got a vasectomy three hours ago. I`m not kidding. And so I`m a little valiumed out and I`m a little swollen.
BEHAR: Seriously?
C.K.: Yes. I`m not kidding -- I`m not kidding it`s kind of a scheduling conflict.
BEHAR: Should you -- I`ll say.
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: Shouldn`t you be resting, at least resting part of you?
C.K.: Yes, sure. Yes. It`s not fun to be -- I`d like to be flat right now.
BEHAR: Does it hurt?
C.K.: Yes, a lot.
BEHAR: Does it hurt right now?
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: Why did you do it? You`re not even married any more.
C.K.: There was a sale and I couldn`t resist it. It hurts to laugh.
BEHAR: I cannot believe you`re here post vasectomy.
C.K.: Yes, I had to say it out loud. I wasn`t going to but just - - you looked at me and I had to say it.
BEHAR: I know -- it`s something --
C.K.: You bring out the truth in people.
BEHAR: -- something in my --
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: So -- but you`re not even married any more.
C.K.: No, I`m not. No.
BEHAR: So what do you need a vasectomy for now?
C.K.: Well, I don`t want any more kids.
BEHAR: Yes.
C.K.: And you know, I don`t know. It`s just for me. I just did it for me.
BEHAR: Sometimes you have to do things just for you.
C.K.: I don`t like my sperm. I don`t like it. I`m tired of it. So --
BEHAR: Now, this show "Louie" --
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: -- is very autobiographical.
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: I mean, you`re playing yourself; you`re playing a stand-up comic. So -- an aging divorced stand-up comedian with two daughters.
C.K.: Yes, we`re all aging, but yes. Yes.
BEHAR: Right.
So -- and you have an ugly penis in this -- I`m just bringing it back to that, because in the first episode I watched.
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: Gervais accuses you of having a very ugly penis.
C.K.: A very ugly penis.
BEHAR: And yet you come here with the story of the vasectomy.
C.K.: Yes, that`s right.
BEHAR: So is it an ugly penis? Is that autobiographical also?
C.K.: Well, it`s not -- I don`t know. It`s not ugly per se.
BEHAR: Yes.
C.K.: No, I -- I think I have a pretty good penis. It`s -- it`s - - I mean, different people have different ways of quantifying penises. It`s -- it`s big but not in a good way. It`s not big like a --
BEHAR: Oh is that right?
C.K.: -- it`s like an old man`s nose.
BEHAR: I see, ok.
C.K.: It`s like a -- it`s like a --
BEHAR: Well, that`s not very, you know, I`m turned on right now.
C.K.: -- good. It`s like a tube sock with a ball in it.
BEHAR: I can`t -- I can`t control how lustful I feel right now over that image.
C.K.: Oh sure.
BEHAR: Only thing I`m picturing is Abe Vigoda right now.
C.K.: Yes, that`s pretty good, if we --
BEHAR: I don`t know why?
C.K.: Yes. That`s probably close to what is going on down there.
BEHAR: Now, -- now I`ve seen your act, your stand-up act. I saw you at Caroline`s a couple years ago.
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: You were still married.
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: And you were just all over your family.
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: Your kids, how annoying they are and all the rest of it. Did that contribute to the divorce?
C.K.: No, I wouldn`t -- I mean, I -- it didn`t help certainly. And I do think -- it`s not a great thing to do to your wife to talk about her on stage.
I mean, I`ve always fictionalized, like I call my act in my show autobiographical fiction.
BEHAR: Yes.
C.K.: And so I heighten everything and I -- I talk about how it feels --
BEHAR: That`s right.
C.K.: -- rather than like what really happens.
BEHAR: Yes.
C.K.: And I guess I thought well, we`re talking about -- I think that any good marriage, any marriage is a struggle. And you`re unhappy because you`re trying. Any good -- a good father is a frustrated person, I think. A happy father who is relaxed is playing golf; he`s not really doing the work.
So I never felt like -- but I don`t -- but I didn`t really do a good job of asking my ex for permission and I should have. I mean -- I mean that seriously I could have asked for more.
BEHAR: And the kids, too. What about the kids?
C.K.: Well, the kid -- they are -- these are my kids and they know -- like they know my act --
BEHAR: You own them.
C.K.: -- they don`t know my act that I talk about them. But they know my -- I`ve let them see stuff that they can see.
BEHAR: How old are they now?
C.K.: Five and eight.
And they know what it means to act angry on stage and to -- and to play out frustration. And I do think that everything in my act that I say about my kids is because I love them. If I didn`t love them, I could just leave.
BEHAR: Right.
C.K.: I wouldn`t be frustrated at all. I`d just dye my hair and screw. You know --
BEHAR: Yes.
C.K.: But --
BEHAR: So -- so the kids you feel will give you a pass if they ever - -
(CROSS TALKING)
C.K.: I think so and I`m there with them every -- we share custody, my ex and I.
BEHAR: Yes.
C.K.: So I`m with them for half of every week. And when I`m with my kids, I`m a full-time dad. I don`t work. I -- I divide my work and my fathering up.
BEHAR: That`s good. That`s smart.
C.K.: You know I cook their breakfast and their dinner. I put them to bed; I take them to school. So if they don`t like it, you know, screw them. I mean I do what I can here.
BEHAR: I mean really you`ve bent overboard.
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: So stay right there. We`ll be -- we`ll have more with Louis C.K. in just a minute.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
C.K.: I get really sweaty all the time. And that`s also bad for sex because I just sweat -- I just rain sweat all over people. Like I`m like oh, and that`s what I`m like when I have sex. I`m like oh.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Ok. I`m back with comedian Louis C.K. It`s like the feeling of sex is what you`re describing.
C.K.: Yes.
BEHAR: The feeling of it.
C.K.: That`s right. That`s how I remember it. I don`t think it goes down like that.
BEHAR: No, let`s hope not.
Now I understand you`ve been embraced by the gay community for the new show.
C.K.: Yes, I mean embraced but --
BEHAR: Not literally but spiritually embraced.
C.K.: We had a scene on the show where I`m playing poker with my friends and we start cracking on each other. When any males start cracking on each other, we start using gay epithets. That`s how we -- that`s how we play, you know. And there`s a gay guy --
BEHAR: Why?
C.K.: What`s that? Because heterosexual males are uncomfortable with their sexuality, that`s what I think it is.
BEHAR: Around other men.
C.K.: Yes or anybody and especially around women. Gay men have to go through this crucible like they have a tough life kind of owning who they are. So I think that kind of steels them and makes them confident. Heterosexuals don`t have to go through that.
BEHAR: Oh, I see.
C.K.: I mean that`s what I think. But, anyway, there`s a gay comedian at the poker game. His name his Rick Chrome (ph) -- he`s the comic --
BEHAR: Hilarious. Love, love Rick.
C.K.: I love Rick. Yes. And so he starts -- we start asking him about gay sex and gay clubs and he starts telling us details; and we`re shrieking like little girls, we just think it`s so funny.
But it`s an interesting exchange. And then we start talking about the word (EXPLETIVE DELETED) comes up.
BEHAR: Offensive word.
C.K.: Yes. And I ask him how do you feel when I say that? You`re a comedian and you`re gay. Do you think I shouldn`t say it? And he gives this really interesting speech about what it means to gay men and where it came from, from his knowledge.
BEHAR: That`s interesting.
C.K.: Yes. So that -- it kind of hit a cord with people and a lot of gay Web sites and stuff were really happy that I put that out there. It was just an honest conversation about it; just a good exchange of ideas.
It wasn`t like a PSA like don`t say this word. It was just here`s what it means and here`s some thoughts about it.
BEHAR: I see.
Now that you`re making a lot of money and you`re a big success.
C.K.: Yes. Is this show going to show in 2040 or something?
BEHAR: Whatever. Who knows? I don`t know. But we`ll still be talking about Mel Gibson. I know that.
C.K.: Sure. He`ll hit plenty of women between now and then I`m sure.
BEHAR: Are you happy now in your life? You feel happy?
C.K.: Yes, I am. I don`t -- to me, happiness isn`t tied to how well my career is going or anything. I`m happy because of my kids mostly. I have amazing kids. They`re better people than I am. I`m just happy to be in their company. And they like me, so -- you know. I`m happy because of that.
BEHAR: But the divorce can be rough. A divorce is rough. That`s makes you very unhappy.
C.K.: Yes, but divorce is a good thing always. I know --
BEHAR: Every time?
C.K.: Every divorce is good news.
BEHAR: Because?
C.K.: Well, it doesn`t mean that people should get divorced. It means that if you did, thank God you did it. Because there`s no such thing as a bad -- there`s no such thing as a good marriage ending in divorce which would be sad if people were very happy and then they got divorced. That would be tragic.
BEHAR: They don`t. No, they don`t.
C.K.: If you got divorced it means that it wasn`t working and you stopped it, and now everything`s better. I think the pressure to stay together for the kids is -- you know, if you`re not getting along you don`t want to show your kids two people that are rotten with each other for their whole lives.
BEHAR: yes.
C.K.: Now we`re separate. I have the kids with me, and she has the kids with her and the kids are happy.
BEHAR: It`s working out. And you know what? The vasectomy is working out, too. Good luck with that.
C.K.: The vasectomy -- who knows where that will lead? Yes.
BEHAR: Thanks so much for stopping by.
C.K.: Sure.
BEHAR: You can catch "Louie" Tuesdays at 11:00 p.m. on FX.
Up next, rocker Bret Michaels drops by to discuss his near-death experience, his new show and much, much more.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: In the last three months, Bret Michaels has survived an emergency appendectomy, a massive brain hemorrhage, a mini stroke and the discovery of a whole his heart. And yet he won "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE," put out a new CD and began a world tour. Why he doesn`t clean up the Gulf or wash the feet of the poor in his spare time is anybody`s guess.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: His new CD is called "Custom Built." I`m happy to welcome back to my show, the invincible, Bret Michaels.
BRET MICHAELS, SINGER: Thank you very much.
BEHAR: OK, Bret.
MICHAELS: I`m working on those other two by the way, I`m going to get to them.
BEHAR: I think you should be down in the Gulf now plugging up that hole.
MICHAELS: Me and Jimmy Buffett.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: We`re going to fix it together.
BEHAR: Well he`s stoned.
MICHAELS: I know but he`s a lot of fun. I was on stage with him the other night and we had the best time. We did margaritaville together.
BEHAR: Of course. What else would he do?
MICHAELS: Yes, it was great.
BEHAR: He is really parlayed that margaritaville into restaurants and everything and everybody sings it.
MICHAELS: It is unbelievable. And he is just funny. He gets to go on stage. I thought, I`ve been working way too hard. This is a fun, may have been part of my hemorrhage problem. I work way too hard. Jimmy Barefoot, out on stage, pulls up with the band. He goes, hey Bret, oh excuse me a minute. He is literally talking to me, walks out and he is playing on stage. And I`m like, this is a good gig. That`s a good gig.
BEHAR: Sure, did he go like man?
MICHAELS: Uh huh, that`s exactly right.
BEHAR: OK, now -
MICHAELS: Only for medicinal reasons, of course.
BEHAR: Of course, of course. Now in this new reality show you have on VH-1, you`re basically trying to balance being a rock star and a family man. Now aren`t those two mutually exclusive?
MICHAELS: Yes, pretty much. That`s why the show is a great train wreck.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: You know, a little different than the other rock of love, the other rock of love debauchery which was also a drinking, partying and suck face train wreck. This is a different train wreck. And it shows that I can do -- I think "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE" was a great opportunity for me to do because it gave me a chance to find a show. Not only raise money and awareness for a great cause but also shows another side of me.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: But this one is finding balance between life on the road and my daughters. And my daughters are here in New York with me right now.
BEHAR: How old are they now?
MICHAELS: They are ten and five. You know and --
BEHAR: And what are their names?
MICHAELS: Rain and Georgia.
BEHAR: Rain and Georgia.
MICHAELS: Rain Elizabeth and Georgia Blue. Yes.
BEHAR: Oh that`s so cute.
MICHAELS: So they`re a lot of energy. And being a dad, I love being a father. And it`s an amazing feeling, but balancing both, and then finding that balance of being out on the road. I spend seven or eight months, you know, out on the road. And that`s what makes it tough.
BEHAR: I don`t know how you`ve been doing that with all these ailments?
MICHAELS: No, I`m working on that, too. I figure out that --
BEHAR: What`s left?
MICHAELS: I don`t have many organs left. I figure once the big one goes, then hey, they just pull the plug.
BEHAR: Let`s start with the head, the brain is good now.
MICHAELS: We think the brain is good. I have a little setback. And what happens is when I got the bleed, when I had the original bleed, the brain hemorrhage -
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: That was -- for me -- and all the things I`ve been in my life, I would never bet I would have a brain hemorrhage. And it`s this arachnoid hemorrhage which it`s much more difficult to describe because if you have an aneurysm, they go in, they find the exact spot and fix it.
BEHAR: If they catch it in time.
MICHAELS: If they catch it in time.
BEHAR: And that`s a time bomb too.
MICHAELS: That`s a ticking -- and the subarachnoid hemorrhage is just as dangerous, the problem is they don`t always detect the bleed. And that`s why I spent so much time in ICU. They didn`t, at first they didn`t know the source. And that`s why they kept - I said, I am running out of groins. I mean they keep going up with the angio tube. I`m running out of space down here. So --
BEHAR: Yes, yes.
MICHAELS: But they went -
BEHAR: Didn`t they -- isn`t this what killed Gary Coleman?
MICHAELS: That`s exactly what killed him.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: And Natasha Richardson, same thing.
BEHAR: Oh my god.
MICHAELS: I think the -
BEHAR: But hers was from a bang. Yours - I mean she fell on her head on the ski slope.
MICHAELS: But I think Gary had the same thing. You know what it is - -
BEHAR: Yes, he fell.
MICHAELS: You can have the same bleed. You can have the same bleed, it is just detecting the bleed. I think in the faster because I`ve been diabetic my whole life really, really in tune with my body, what`s going on. And so as soon as it happened, I knew it wasn`t a pinched nerve. I go, there`s something bad just happened.
BEHAR: Yes, well you were -- who was with you when that happened?
MICHAELS: I was at my house. And it was Cristie (ph), my girlfriend and our two daughters and she was back in bed with them and I was literally sitting on the couch. I was making fun of - I was watching. But let`s just say I was watching TV.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: And all of a sudden boom, I just felt this -
BEHAR: What were you watching? I have to know.
MICHAELS: Do you really want to know?
BEHAR: Yes, I do.
MICHAELS: All right, here is the truth. The girls had went to bed. Right, so I was just channel surfing and I was watching -- I`m a sports fanatic. Watching a little MLB, I`m watching a little "Sports Center" then I got to the movie channels and found a little "Busty Cops 3 To Serve And Protect."
BEHAR: A porn flick.
MICHAELS: It was a terrifically awesome porn flick.
BEHAR: Really awesome music?
MICHAELS: Yes, terrific music. I`ve never heard better theme music in my life.
(LAUGHTER)
MICHAELS: And then when they exposed the protecting and the serving is about when the hemorrhage happened. And --
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Maybe there`s a connection.
MICHAELS: Oddly enough, there is a connection. Don`t laugh. There`s a connection.
BEHAR: Seriously?
MICHAELS: To ejaculation and a hemorrhage. I don`t know what it is but I -- that didn`t happen. What happened was I went back to "Sports Center" luckily, no I didn`t. But anyway, I did not want to bleed out. And my biggest fear was not only my daughters finding me collapsed on the floor but possibly that movie repeating in the background. And that`s the only thing that saved my life.
BEHAR: OK, so now let`s work down your body. The hole in the heart. What`s up with that? Don`t get BP to plug that up.
MICHAELS: No, no, they`re not. Trust me, we`d be here for years. But they -- what happens with the hole in the heart, it`s called PFO, right, a patent foramen Ovali. Right, I went in and I had this morning stroke - this sounds ridiculous talking like -- after a while I`m like rat boy the medical experiment. You know what I mean, how many more things can we? But it is - I went in there and they went in looking for something again wrong with my head. And they do this air bubble test. So you`re laying in bed, they`ve got the I.V. in you. You turn this way, now all my life as a diabetic, they tell you to get the air out of the syringe.
BEHAR: Oh really.
MICHAELS: They`re pumping air into my veins, I`m thinking, isn`t this going to kill me? Like I`m thinking are you just going to end it here for me. And I look over and I have - you know you`re hooked up, your heart, and you look over at the ultrasound. And you literally watch the air come up, it comes up through the vein, gets to my lungs and goes through my heart in a hole that`s in my heart. And I`m looking at everyone. I`m always joking around. I`m joking and no one else is joking any more. They are like, yes, we have a problem here. Then all of a sudden there`s like ten people in the room. So that gets operated on in the early morn.
BEHAR: OK, so brain hemorrhage, heart hole, diabetes, what is the other one? There was something else that I missed? What was the other thing you had wrong?
MICHAELS: I`m sure there was something. I just can`t remember it. I`m sure there`s something we can throw into the mix.
BEHAR: There`s something over here --
MICHAELS: Oh the appendix.
BEHAR: The appendix.
MICHAELS: That`s old news.
BEHAR: That is it.
MICHAELS: The appendix -
BEHAR: Well it was peritonitis, right?
MICHAELS: Yes, I had --
BEHAR: You have had every single thing you had could kill you instantly, except the diabetes, I guess.
MICHAELS: Here`s what I truly - no, they`re working on that. But here`s what happened, too, when I was on tour, all this stuff that had happened -- I try to explain to people. If they would have left me out of the hospital two days or a day after I had the hemorrhage and I was OK, I would have left because I hate being in the hospital.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: I`ve seen so many of them my whole life.
BEHAR: Right.
MICHAELS: And so the strange thing is when I had the appendicitis or the emergency appendectomy in San Antonio, it made me go home otherwise I was looking at the schedule. We would have been on the road somewhere, possibly you know at a truck stop at 11:00 at night after a show and had I not got to the hospital in time to barrow, there`s a good chance it would have killed me. So it is just strange how the effect all happened within that what almost two-month time period.
BEHAR: Unbelievable. I had a near death experience one time a long time ago.
MICHAELS: Right.
BEHAR: And it changed me a lot. For one thing, I let my hair go natural.
MICHAELS: Yes, you look beautiful.
BEHAR: Thank you.
MICHAELS: It looks great.
BEHAR: No this is not my natural hair. I went back to this because it`s a while now. You know I got over the near death.
MICHAELS: I didn`t know, you look great. You look great.
BEHAR: Anyway, how did it change you? Seriously, it changed me emotionally. I got a divorce after that, in fact.
MICHAELS: Right, I`m not -- should I ask? Anyway, I know what the -- I`m just saying did that cause it?
BEHAR: No, I`m just saying it changes you, it focuses you on the rest of your life, whatever`s left. You say hey. And I started to be a stand- up comic because I thought how bad could it be to die on stage? I almost died.
MICHAELS: Right. Literally.
BEHAR: So how did it change you?
MICHAELS: Here is how it changed me. For me, I`ve always tried to live life since I`ve been 6 years old being diabetic, I always feel that I lived my life to the fullest. You know I`ve always felt like I`m out there --
BEHAR: Oh yes, I saw the tapes.
MICHAELS: You saw "Rock Of Love."
BEHAR: Oh, yes, baby.
MICHAELS: And other things. But I`m good to people, I hang out, I party with people.
BEHAR: You are a nice guy, everybody loves you.
MICHAELS: Yes, I love to party. And the thing is too, like, backstage I`m passionate about making music. So I have a lot of friends/family who hang out, have a great time. I think what happen for me what put it in perspective for me was when I had - the not so much the appendectomy, the hemorrhage - that immediately -- Cristie, my girlfriend, Cristie.
BEHAR: Long time right?
MICHAELS: Yes, long time. On and off, put up with me. Strong woman. And went into this relationship eyes wide open, knowing I`m going to travel and do stuff. And she and my daughters were the first -- that was absolutely the first thing I thought about.
BEHAR: So you thought family, relationship.
MICHAELS: That`s it, you know when they say that one thing - that one thing you think about. You don`t go, man, how many more days I can I do on the road or what guitar or whatever.
BEHAR: How many more orgies can I do?
MICHAELS: That was the second thought. You know -
BEHAR: I mean after a certain age -
MICHAELS: I`m lying that would have been the third thought. The second one was get busty cops off the TV while I`m -- and then the orgy.
BEHAR: Then the orgy.
MICHAELS: But family first. Then orgy.
BEHAR: So that`s what happened. That`s good. That`s good. How did Cristie take -- I saw "Rock Of Ages." How did Christy take all those you know --
MICHAELS: The "Rock Of Love."
BEHAR: "Rock of Love" I mean, Rock of Ages? I have myself in the cemetery here. But I mean, I saw that. So you know -
MICHAELS: She didn`t -
BEHAR: There were many groupies on the tour. You`re doing some, you know, wacky behavior.
MICHAELS: Wacky?
BEHAR: You know what I mean.
MICHAELS: Yes, I do.
BEHAR: How did she take all of that?
MICHAELS: You know what, a lot better than I would if I get to say this when we broke up right before we did turned it down. I turned down VH-1 the first time it came because I`d never done anything like that before you know what I mean? And but honestly, when it came back around, I said, look, if you let me go in and date and party and have fun, I said, but we can use everything that is mine, I just don`t want to use the house. You know as long as we can go somewhere and get a house, let`s party and date, and I think the reason the show worked was it was very real. It was very fun. We went in I told the girls right up front, listen, I don`t know if anything`s going to come out of this at all other than just partying and having a good time.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: Let`s see what happens. And I think that`s the reason why the show was VH-1`s number one show three years in a row.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: After the third year, I was good.
BEHAR: You were good.
MICHAELS: I`ll date. Because I realize they`ve now learned all my lines. It sucks. Once you expose yourself, you`re screwed. Meaning literally I`ve given away my best stuff. And the weirdest thing is they make you date. It is not like you would date one on one. I`d be laying good stuff on you. There`s two other people listening to you. So then you go that didn`t work. Listen, have I told you this joke, you just switch over. And you`re like, holy crap. I already heard this like three minutes ago. It`s awful.
BEHAR: OK, honey, sit right there, we will have much more with Bret Michaels.
MICHAELS: I`ve only got a couple organs left. I`m fine.
BEHAR: When we come back we`ll see what else he`s got wrong with him.
MICHAELS: Nothing.
BEHAR: You look good, I`ll tell you, you look very good.
NANCY GRACE, HLN ANCHOR: Hello, hello, stay with us friend, we are seeking justice.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What profession your father is.
MICHAELS: He`s a music dude.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He`s a musician?
MICHAELS: Slash rock star extraordinary slash party king.
UNIDNETIFIED FEMALE: Rock -
MICHAELS: That must be spelled partay.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: I`m back with Bret Michaels. Bret I must talk to you about "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE." You won.
MICHAELS: Yes, it was absolutely - "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE" was absolutely great. For me it was such a great turning point in my life. First of all, Donald Trump is an amazing guy. You know what I mean, and people have such a different impression than the one I got. I know he`s tough. But he`s very funny.
BEHAR: He`s very funny.
MICHAELS: You know what I mean, I look back into his life. I did a little due diligence before I got in the show. He`s like the rock star of real estate, but there`s got to be other things that he did or liked. And it turned out that music was one of his big passions. Just a lot of people didn`t know that.
BEHAR: He likes sports too.
MICHAELS: Yes, sports and I love sports and music. So it was - and I think he saw that I come from Pittsburgh, I come from a very blue collar family. You work real hard. There`s no self-pity. And you get it done. And when I got a chance to do the show -- and I want to watch how I word this -- not that there`s any time to get a brain hemorrhage is a good time but getting sick couldn`t have come at a worst time in my life. And this is why. I already knew that I`d been in New York and fought so hard to get to the finale of "APPRENTICE," but obviously there`s a break -- before you get to the --
BEHAR: We weren`t sure if you`d get there.
MICHAELS: Yes no, we -
BEHAR: We were talking about it all the time.
MICHAELS: And I was pretty sure I wasn`t going to get there. But I was determined if I won or not win. If I knew that I was going to be in the final two, I was going to do everything I could to get back after I got sick. And then I already knew I was doing "AMERICAN IDOL" and I was doing a tour. In fact, I was in the tour when it happened. And that`s the thing for me, you -- there`s a song by Tim McGraw, a friend of mine wrote, it is called "Live Like You`re Dying."
BEHAR: That`s right.
MICHAELS: That`s the way I live my life. I cannot, I played shows, broke my finger in the morning, played a show that night, got sick, played a show. And I just learned from my family that self-pity for me doesn`t work. Now I laugh, I said if I had a job or boss I hated or a job that sucked -
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: I would have probably milked it for two more years. You know what I mean, literally would have said I can`t get out of bed. But I couldn`t wait to get out of the hospital.
BEHAR: Now was it hard to compete on the show, with you know, against Holly. She lost.
MICHAELS: Very hard.
BEHAR: Do you think you got the sympathy vote?
MICHAELS: I`m going to say this, she did the hotness dress vote. Did you see the dress she wore?
BEHAR: OK, you both -
MICHAELS: I`m telling you, I was like, I didn`t play the sympathy thing. When I get out there, I`m playing the sympathy thing. Because she was all low key. Bret, I`m going to go out with this. And then she came out with that bam dress on.
BEHAR: She did.
MICHAELS: I see what you`re doing here. And then so I came out and I plopped down at the table. And acted like I couldn`t breathe.
BEHAR: Oh it was brilliant.
MICHAELS: It was great.
BEHAR: I would like to do that show. You think I can play the menopause part?
MICHAELS: exactly. Think about this. If you play the menopause card, yes -- let me tell you what -- talk back about getting sick. When I won "APPRENTICE" because I worked so hard being a lifelong diabetic and my daughter is borderline, getting sick -- I barely talk about "CELEBRITY APPRENTICE." like I won it and I want to do this big campaign. But I`m one of the few people that -- I got to say this -- with diet Snapple and I made that drink so it didn`t suck, it tastes great. And so now we`re actually going to roll something from "APPRENTICE" to roll out this drink and I`m going to represent the Trop Rock and diet Snapple brand so it`s going to be unbelievable.
BEHAR: That`s great so you have a new career in a way.
MICHAELS: Yes, diet Snappleiciouness.
BEHAR: I love that. You know as a rock star you can look at Mick Jagger. He is - I mean I went to see them in Jersey, the Rolling Stones. They -- first of all, they sell out --
MICHAELS: Everywhere.
BEHAR: -- handicapped parking, like that.
MICHAELS: Right, because I was in that handicapped parking.
BEHAR: So you can go on forever is what I`m saying.
MICHAELS: Absolutely. And that`s what I`m saying all the shows, everything we`re doing right now is all sold out, whether it is Solar or when I`m out with the band or out with Poison. I mean it has been a great career. And I think that`s the reason so many fans know -- they know I`m a fighter. But the bummer, like I said, being sick, when you get sick is sometimes it takes over. But the recovery, I think, in the middle of all the horrific things going on right now, I think occasionally feel-good story, I`m lucky. I`m one of the few knock on wood under glass.
BEHAR: Do you think you`re pushing yourself a little too hard?
MICHAELS: Maybe, but I don`t feel like it. Being in ICU is really depressing. And I feel -- listen, I didn`t work so hard to live to go out there and die. And if I feel sick, I`ll stop.
BEHAR: Right, OK, so as soon as you feel sick you should --
MICHAELS: Yes, I`ll be done.
BEHAR: You`re in touch with your body. Now what about "AMERICAN IDOL," they`ve been talking about you replacing Simon Cowell. You`re too - really not like him at all.
MICHAELS: No I was -
BEHAR: You are sweet, he`s not sweet.
MICHAELS: Here`s the thing, Simon Cowell, what happen was, that night no one had talked to me at all about being a judge on "AMERICAN IDOL".
BEHAR: The night you were there, yes.
MICHAELS: The night I was there. We got done. I felt like it was a great performance. We cut the song in half because I wasn`t quite all there yet. But the performance was great. The only standing ovation we got of the night, which was a killer. And what happen was Simon Cowell made a really nice comment after the show. He just said Bret would be a great replacement. He`s lived this life. He has lived this life.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: And listen, I think the biggest mistake "AMERICAN IDOL" can make whether they choose me or not, Simon Cowell is an original. Brutally honest but an original.
BEHAR: Yes.
MICHAELS: He made that show great.
BEHAR: He did and I don`t know if it can survive without him.
MICHAELS: And I`m telling you I feel they won`t survive without him if he try to replace him with someone that`s a knockoff of Simon Cowell. I think if they put someone on that show --
BEHAR: Do you want to do it?
MICHAELS: I would love to do it.
BEHAR: You would.
MICHAELS: I would really bring it to the table.
BEHAR: Well you`re saying it here, so --
MICHAELS: Yes, I`m saying I would love to do it. I think I love - I passionately love music. And watching people perform and play I could --
BEHAR: What would you say to somebody like that Hung kid, Bill Hung?
MICHAELS: Yes, the one that was kind of a joke right?
BEHAR: Yes the joke.
MICHAELS: Yes, here`s the thing I would say exactly - dude that is (EXPLETIVE DELETED).
END
