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Joy Behar Page
"Don`t Ask, Don`t Tell" Repealed; "Pedophile`s Guide" Author Arrested; Interview With Bette Midler
Aired December 20, 2010 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
JOY BEHAR, HOST: Congress made history this weekend when they voted against discrimination and repealed "don`t ask, don`t tell", which means gays can now serve openly in the military. Fabulous. I love the troops.
But you know what else I love? Good dish. So now that everyone`s coming out, my new policy is don`t ask, do tell. So congratulations boys and boys, and girls and girls.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up, an Iranian man accidentally brings a loaded handgun on to his flight and the TSA completely missed it. So can the TSA stop potential terrorists? And is profiling the answer?
Then, "don`t ask, don`t tell" is about to end. But furious debate about the impact of the change is just beginning. Most soldiers seem to support the move. So what is motivating hard-line opponents?
Plus, the divine Miss M.; Bette Midler is here.
That and more starting right now.
BEHAR: Well, you know, there was a wedding announcement in the Sunday "New York Times" about this couple, John Partilla and local TV reporter Carol Anne Riddell. It seems they met at their children`s school, got to know each other and fell madly in love. Only problem, they were married to other people at the time.
Let me read part of the announcement in "The New York Times".
"In May 2008, Mr. Partilla invited her for a drink. Quote, `I`ve fallen in love you,` he recalled saying to her. She jumped up, knocking a glass of beer into his lap and rushed out of the bar. Five minutes later, he said she returned and told him, `I feel exactly the same way,`" end quote.
Here with me now are two people who deal with moral dilemmas, Chris Cuomo, co-anchor of ABC`s news magazine, "20/20", and chief law and justice correspondent for ABC News, plus Father Edwin Beck, religion contributor for ABC News and author of "Soul Provider". Together they host a weekly show for ABC News now called "Focus on Faith".
I always say "20/20", because Barbara, I tease Barbara. She always said "20/20".
So this is an announcement in "The New York Times". You know, you`re reading the paper and all of a sudden here`s a whole thing about the unfaithful behavior of these two. Do you think, Father Beck, that this is celebrating infidelity is appropriate?
FATHER EDWIN BECK, AUTHOR, "SOUL PROVIDER": I didn`t like it. I mean even what you just read there, it sounds like this romance novel and they got steamy toward each other and he had all this energy and she had all this energy so they couldn`t hold back. I don`t know why you want to put that out for everybody to read.
It`s not the most admirable circumstances by which to meet. You`re leaving a spouse, you`re leaving a family.
BEHAR: Yes.
FR. BECK: You know. I mean it happens. We know it happens but "New York Times" to celebrate it like that, it left a bad taste in my mouth.
BEHAR: Let me tell you, just before we went on the air we found a statement from them. "We did it because we wanted an honest account of what happened," was their answer.
CHRIS CUOMO, ABC NEWS HOST: See and that gets to it, Joy. First of all, you did give a very dramatic reading of that. And that was very nice. I felt --
BEHAR: Thank you. I`m up for an Emmy.
CUOMO: It worked well. But I think what Father picks up on here is does it happen, yes, it probably happens, and that`s my point when I look at this situation.
Carol Anne Riddell is a savvy reporter. I don`t know what she thought would come out of a piece like this. It seems to me like a trap piece. But she is probably finding herself falling victim to this culture of judgment. We`re going to judge them. They were cheating. They`re bad. And now we`re going to make fun of them.
They`re probably both feeling that in their respective lives. They`ve got kids. The moral point for me on this is everybody is going to poke fingers at them, but this is what happens in society. If they found each other and they have love in their lives now, leave them alone.
FR. BECK: Who does judge it, though? If there`s no barometer, who judges it? If not the standards of the newspaper --
CUOMO: There is no standard.
FR. BECK: Society.
CUOMO: Fifty plus percent of marriages end -- they almost all end badly. These two people they had marriages that ended badly. But they found love. The culture of judgment of what`s right and what`s wrong, nobody lives that way anyway.
FR. BECK: So nobody has the self-discipline to say I`m attracted to this person, they`re hot. But I have a husband, I have a wife, I have kids.
BEHAR: What about that?
FR. BECK: Oh, you`re with the Father? You`re turning on me just like that.
BEHAR: I`m Catholic, ok. And so are you.
CUOMO: You are a divorced woman.
BEHAR: I am a divorced woman, yes. But he was Jewish. That doesn`t count.
(CROSSTALK)
CUOMO: But, see, I don`t judge. My point would be this. Live it yourself. If you want to worry about how to be, be their way in your own relationship.
BEHAR: But what about "The New York Times" publishing this? I mean --
CUOMO: It got us here, Joy. It got us here. Smart move for them.
BEHAR: Yes, I guess. But, I mean, don`t they have any kind of obligation to print something that`s not quite so sordid as this?
CUOMO: To print something that will sell. That`s what they`re doing.
BEHAR: These two were going to the schoolyard with their kids and the kids are involved, also, the kids know about it, their friends are probably teasing them. Why do they have to print it?
FR. BECK: Maybe their motto should be all the news that can be printed, not that`s fit to print.
BEHAR: Yes, exactly.
(CROSSTALK)
CUOMO: And we love "The Times", first of all. And second of all, they`re trying to sell newspapers, and I think we have to keep our eye on this.
These people, they have kids, they`re trying to do the best for themselves now. And carol Anne Riddell putting out the statement said we wanted one account that was honest. They`re probably getting beaten up in their relative circles.
BEHAR: I`m sure they are.
CUOMO: They want to protect their kids` image of themselves. This may have been the best they thought they could do.
FR. BECK: Yes. This is like damage control. I don`t feel it.
BEHAR: Ok. That`s why you have the show, the two of you.
CUOMO: I`m a journalist. I know where these things go.
FR. BECK: There you go.
BEHAR: Ok. Here`s another story, ok. We`re going to have another dilemma.
CUOMO: All right.
BEHAR: A businessman recently went through security and boarded a plane from Houston International Airport. He was halfway through the flight when he realized he had accidentally packed his loaded car gun in his carry-on and nobody caught it.
Watch him talk about it with ABC News.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
FARID SEIF, ACCIDENTALLY BOARDED FLIGHT WITH LOADED GUN: I mean this is not a small gun, it`s a .40-caliber gun. There`s nothing else in there. How can you miss it? You cannot miss it.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Ok. So this man is Iranian-American. You know, does -- some people say that he should have been racially profiled. Do you agree with racial profiling, either one of you? Let`s start with Father Beck.
FR. BECK: I do not under any circumstances.
BEHAR: Is it morally wrong to racially profile?
FR. BECK: I think it`s morally suspect, at least. If you`re going to look at a group of people simply by their ethnicity or their religion and say that they have a certain propensity to become terrorists, so we`re going to profile all of them, I think it`s errant behavior. I think it`s incorrect.
BEHAR: What do you think?
CUOMO: I say he had a gun in his bag. That`s what I say.
FR. BECK: And he turned himself in.
CUOMO: Why did he have a gun in his bag? I mean you have to look at these --
BEHAR: He didn`t know he had it.
CUOMO: He didn`t know that he had a big gun in his bag?
BEHAR: No. Until he was on the flight, then he goes like, "Oh, my goodness, I have a gun in my bag."
CUOMO: Yes. Oh, when I was packing my shoes, I put that huge gun in my bag.
FR. BECK: Then he turned himself in.
CUOMO: That`s -- but maybe to get on TV. Maybe this is another little bit publicity stunt.
FR. BECK: No.
CUOMO: But again, it brings up a good issue, so thank you for this gentleman.
BEHAR: Ok.
CUOMO: I`m a lawyer. I`m a journalist. I spend all day as both of you know doing stories about the little guy and protecting their rights. I`m all for it. But you have to make sure that you are invoking rights for right reason. Ok?
BEHAR: Yes.
CUOMO: We know what the threat is in this country. After 9/11 we knew it even better. And this discussion would have been very different then. When you`re going through the airport and they`re putting you through the same type of rigorous scrutiny that they`re giving somebody who looks more like someone who may have attacked the country at 9/11, you understand why people get upset about the issue.
Why are we spending so much time profiling everybody?
BEHAR: So, what should we do?
CUOMO: I think that you have to have a more intelligent look at what you`re trying to do. You can`t scan everybody the same way.
BEHAR: No.
CUOMO: Every bit of police work, every bit of investigative work has to look at a certain set of circumstances, a certain set of qualities that makes somebody more at risk than others.
BEHAR: Well, that`s like the Israeli people -- the Israeli security.
CUOMO: Yes.
BEHAR: They question them and everything else.
FR. BECK: You don`t think these people are smart enough to use kids and women and regular Caucasian people if they want to do this?
CUOMO: When we this as part of the procedure --
BEHAR: Or priests.
FR. BECK: Or priests.
BEHAR: You put a priest with blue eyes and white hair on and who would ever question you?
FR. BECK: I don`t know.
CUOMO: I`d question if he had a big gun in his bag. I think he should be questioned all day long.
FR. BECK: They missed that, though.
Look, you two are Italian-American. What if I said you know what? You`re Italian-American and you`re probably a mobster so we`re going to look at everything you`ve done, all your history because you`re Italian- American. You`d take offense at that.
CUOMO: If you say because that I`m Italian-American, I`m a mobster, I don`t like it. If you say we`re looking for mobsters --
(CROSSTALK)
CUOMO: And you`re going to look at some Italian-Americans, they have been mobsters.
FR. BECK: That`s wrong. A small minority have been --
CUOMO: All right. Look. And I`m saying let`s protect the minority, of course. That`s what we do in America but let`s not lose the sense of intelligence.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: You know, but you know Chris -- not to invoke your father but your father would have been President, I think. I bet you they would have said "Oh, he`s got mob ties."
CUOMO: He would have.
BEHAR: His father is the most upstanding citizen in the United States, most patriotic.
CUOMO: My father Mario Cuomo, same name as my son. I cannot tell you how often people meet me and they say your father didn`t run because you guys have that Mafia thing in your background. They don`t say it as an insult.
(CROSSTALK)
CUOMO: They say it as matter of fact.
FR. BECK: That`s true.
CUOMO: So there`s no question we have some cultural consistencies.
BEHAR: Who said that? "The Situation"?
CUOMO: No. He`s an Italian.
FR. BECK: There you go. Don`t hold him up.
CUOMO: But look, I`m just saying we have to have intelligence. When you ask police officers when they`re looking for people and they`re investigating crime, the way you look and who`s been involved in these crimes in the past matters. It just matters.
BEHAR: All right. Now, this is off the moral dilemmas but I had to show it to you because I saw this video recently, because everybody`s getting ready for, you know, Christmas and everything.
So some gymnast performed for the Pope. This is for you, Father.
FR. BECK: Oh, gee, thanks.
BEHAR: Watch this for a minute. It`s so cute.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(ACROBATS PERFORMING FOR THE POPE)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: The nuns were loving it.
FR. BECK: Why wouldn`t they? What a thrill that was.
BEHAR: Pope Benedict was just kind of, like, whatever.
FR. BECK: He was probably saying what are these people doing here?
BEHAR: What is this, Cirque Du Soleil at the Vatican?
FR. BECK: Those nuns have good taste.
BEHAR: But the nuns were enjoying it.
CUOMO: Why were they waving? What is that?
FR. BECK: I don`t want to ask. I hope there was nothing that was under those --
BEHAR: That was a handkerchief.
FR. BECK: I think it was a handkerchief.
CUOMO: I think that anything that humanizes the clergy is a good thing. And I think to see the Pontiff enjoying himself, to see nuns enjoying themselves, especially nuns --
BEHAR: They had a lot of fun, but they`ve been showing this because it`s just funny too.
CUOMO: It is a little funny because of the juxtaposition.
FR. BECK: Why is it funny though? Why is it funny that clerical people enjoy the same cultural kind of events that everybody else does?
CUOMO: Because the assumption is they take themselves so seriously. And now you have these topless men and all these weird poses --
FR. BECK: Look, I hang out with you. How seriously can I take myself?
BEHAR: Has he been topless?
CUOMO: You may be the model for the modern clergy.
BEHAR: Have you been topless around him? Come on.
CUOMO: He has actually.
(CROSSTALK)
CUOMO: He has. If there`s any reason to watch -- that`s why. We worked out in the gym together. He has been.
BEHAR: Ok. One more thing. Everybody is getting ready for Christmas but there are a lot of distractions this time of year. What Christmas lessons do you have for us, Father Beck?
FR. BECK: I have a Christmas lesson from his son, actually. Tell her what your son --
BEHAR: Mario? Little Mario?
FR. BECK: Little Mario, the only boy out of 13 grandchildren.
CUOMO: Mario is going to be 5 for Christmas, but so I`m telling him the story of the nativity. And I explain Joseph and I say this is his father. Mario says, well, God is his dad. I say, well, yes, God is Jesus` father but Joseph was the father down here.
BEHAR: Uh-huh.
CUOMO: That was it. He looked at me and he said, "That`s a lie."
BEHAR: Well, it`s confusing because it was --
CUOMO: It was confusing.
BEHAR: Supposedly a virgin birth plus the baby has a father who`s supposedly married but a virgin birth and then God is the real father. It`s confusing.
FR. BECK: Yes, but Mario says, there is no God, then.
BEHAR: Is that what he concluded?
CUOMO: Hold on a second. Let`s not beat up on my 5-year-old too fast. He was confused.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: The little atheist.
CUOMO: And you know what? I tell you what, he walks into church every Sunday and says I want to go to Baby Jesus` house. He`s a good kid, everybody. He`s a good kid.
FR. BECK: But I said to him, it was a teaching moment though to say God wants to be one of us, he loves us so much, he wants to be that close. That`s why God becomes human. That`s why he`s born among us.
But he missed the whole teaching on it.
CUOMO: It`s confusing. I just try to teach my kids --
BEHAR: It sounds like science fiction the way you described it.
CUOMO: It gets a little bit like that. It`s religious esoterica. Just tell your family, everybody like my grandparents used to say --
BEHAR: All the people say, he wants to become human. It`s like a film where the person morphs into a human being. You have to change that explanation.
FR. BECK: If he wants to be so one with his creation, humility so much a part of who he loves --
BEHAR: He comes among the people.
CUOMO: I say hug your family, look them in the eye, tell them you mean it. That`s Christmas.
BEHAR: I think you guys are just great.
FR. BECK: Hug Chris Cuomo, look him in the eye. Tell him you love him.
BEHAR: I want you to come back. You should come back here a lot. Ok.
CUOMO: But don`t profile me.
BEHAR: Ok. Thanks.
We`ll be right back.
And don`t take your shirt off.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up a little later on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, the legendary Bette Midler drops by to look back at the year and spread some holiday cheer.
Now back to Joy.
BEHAR: On Saturday, the Senate voted to repeal "don`t ask, don`t tell", setting the stage for gays to serve openly in the military. I know what you`re thinking -- Congress worked on a Saturday? And though President Obama plans to sign the bill this week, questions remain about the impact of the change and how it will be implemented.
Here now to discuss this are Steve Wilkos, host of "The Steve Wilkos Show" and a former United States Marine; and David Hall, a former United States Air Force staff sergeant who was discharged under "don`t ask, don`t tell".
Welcome, guys, to the show.
STEVE WILKOS, HOST, "THE STEVE WILKOS SHOW": Thank you.
DAVID HALL, FORMER U.S. AIR FORCE STAFF SERGEANT: Thank you.
BEHAR: Now, David, you were discharged under don`t ask. What does the repeal mean to you?
HALL: Well, you know, the repeal means to me that, you know, if I -- that I can go back into the Air Force. I can wear the uniform again. And all my friends that are currently serving that are gay or lesbian, now they`re not going to have to worry about losing their job, that if they want to be out they can be. But you know, a majority of them probably are still not going to go around telling everybody, but at least they can wake up knowing, hey I`ll still have a job tomorrow.
BEHAR: Do you want to go back?
HALL: I do.
BEHAR: You do want to go back.
HALL: Yes. I mean, I -- you know, I wanted to serve 20 years when I went in. I grew up a military brat. I loved the Air Force.
BEHAR: You did.
Steve, what do you think about the repeal?
WILKOS: Well, I`m glad. I mean it`s something that should happen no matter what your preference is. If you want to serve in the military and, you know, serve this country, I think you should be able to.
The only thing I think, I worry about the people that are going to come out because the culture, at least it was in the Marine Corps, is I would say anti-gay. When I went through recruit train, a lot of the training process you go through, if you were a non-hacker, which you couldn`t make the run or could don`t certain things up to Marine Corps standards, you were called, you know, anti- -- you know, gay slurs.
BEHAR: Yes.
WILKOS: And you could see that in the movies and the movies portray real life. And that`s what happens.
And even though I think it`s a good thing that it`s going to happen, I do think it`s going to open up some problems and some issues. And they`re probably going to have to deal with it just like they had to when they opened up immigration into the military in World War II.
BEHAR: Right. It took a while.
WILKOS: It takes a while and there`s going to be some bumps but you`re going to have to deal with it.
BEHAR: This was after World War II, 1948, Truman.
WILKOS: Like in the Korean War was the first where --
BEHAR: That`s right.
WILKOS: They started to let troops in but --
BEHAR: And they lived with it and now everybody`s fine with it.
WILKOS: Exactly. And that`s what I`m saying. Like you can`t expect to repeal this and that it`s going to go smoothly and everybody`s going to come out.
No. There`s going to be some issues. And I think some of the culture in the services are going to have to change so gays can be accepted.
BEHAR: Yes.
David, let`s talk about the day-to-day lives of these guys and girls - - women, also. How is it going to change, let`s say, on battlefields, in the barracks? What`s going to happen?
Like you said, they`re not going to suddenly come out and say I`m gay. No one`s going do that. People are just going to continue to be in the military.
HALL: That`s correct. I mean the one thing is gays and lesbians are already serving in the military. There`s about 66,000 that are currently in. And actually there`s, you know, a few of them that are already out to their -- you know, to the people that they work with. And, you know, they`ve had no issues.
I have friends that are out, you know, to their comrades, and they said you know what, no one cares. And when I was discharged, all my friends were shocked. One, that I was gay, but, then two, the one female who was our friend had ratted me out. They were pissed off at her and was wondering like, we still kick people out for being gay?
BEHAR: Why did she do that? Why did she do that?
HALL: You know, I don`t really know. I really think it was sort of a way to get back at me but then also to save herself. She wasn`t a really good cadet. And I think this was a way to be like, well, you have these gay people to deal with, leave me alone.
BEHAR: See. That`s interesting. It was something that people could use against you, you know?
HALL: Right.
WILKOS: I was reading David`s resume. In fact, it was quite impressive. And that`s the thing. Why wouldn`t we want a guy like David serving in our Armed Forces?
So now that it`s opened up, it can`t be used against you. But, again, I just think the biggest thing that`s going to have to change in the military is the culture of, you know, accepting, accepting others.
BEHAR: Right.
Not everybody was so in favor of this. Let`s watch a -- John McCain speaking the other day.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SEN. JOHN MCCAIN (R), ARIZONA: We are doing great damage. And we could possibly and probably -- as a commandant of the Marine Corps said, and I`ve been told by literally thousands of members of the military -- harm the battle effectiveness, which is so vital to the support and to the survival of our young men and women in the military.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: David, what`s up with McCain?
HALLS: That`s a good question. I don`t really know what`s up with him. I think maybe he`s still mad about losing the election.
But, you know, the commandant of the Marine Corps came out yesterday with a statement saying, you know what, Congress has passed this law, like he said during the hearings that they would step out for it. He would do - - you know, they would do this smartly, him and the sergeant major are going to lead on this and they`re going to show that the Marine Corps, you know, can deal with this issue and will do it better than anybody else.
BEHAR: Well, this is one of the most significant civil rights legislation in our memory, isn`t it?
WILKOS: But I just watched that with John McCain, and it`s almost unbelievable that somebody would come out and make that kind of statement that this is going to be harmful, this is going to be damaging.
BEHAR: It`s so sad.
WILKOS: It`s almost so -- and I`m sure there was a politician 50 years ago saying the same thing about immigrating --
BEHAR: Absolutely.
WILKOS: So, it`s shocking at this day and age.
BEHAR: And history shows that they look ridiculous.
WILKOS: Right. And unfortunately, he`s going to look ridiculous, too.
BEHAR: Right. Ok. Thank you very much, guys.
Be sure to check your local listings for Steve Wilkos` show.
We`ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: The man who earlier this year sparked controversy for selling a how-to book titled "The Pedophile`s Guide to Love and Pleasure" on amazon.com, has been arrested on obscenity charges. Phillip Greaves was busted in Colorado after undercover detectives in Florida purchased and received a copy of the book through the mail, giving them jurisdiction.
With me to talk about this is Preston Rudie, a reporter from WTSP in St. Petersburg, Florida; and joining us by phone is Polk County, Florida Sheriff Grady Judd.
Sheriff, let me ask you a question. I thought Greaves book, as disgusting as it is, was protected under the freedom of speech laws. How were you able to arrest him?
GRADY JUDD, SHERIFF, POLK COUNTY, FLORIDA (via telephone): Yes, Joy, a lot of folks thought that same thing. And quite frankly, that`s what sparked our interest. The obscenity law in Florida clearly states that you cannot create or replicate information about sex with a child. It`s a third-degree felony to either write or use photographs.
And in this case, it was written and it was very explicit about how to have sex with a child, and that`s against Florida law.
BEHAR: I see. So once the book went into Florida, then you could arrest him. Before that, you couldn`t do it.
JUDD: As long as we have jurisdiction, and that`s how we got jurisdiction. Our undercover detectives wrote him and asked for a copy of the book. He said he was out but he had his personal copy and he autographed it and sent it to us, and that gave us jurisdiction.
We then took our case to the state attorney and a circuit judge issued a warrant.
BEHAR: Is it possible that he could appeal on the grounds of entrapment?
JUDD: Well, first, no, really because he went online with Amazon to sell this book so, he made it available. We sent him another communication, and he agreed and sent us the book. So we didn`t force him do anything.
BEHAR: I see.
JUDD: He wasn`t predisposed to do.
BEHAR: I see. Now, Preston, the book that detectives received was Greaves` last copy, which he autographed before sending it out. Just how popular was that book?
PRESTON RUDIE, REPORTER, WTSP: You know, back in -- say back in November, Joy, when this book was first put on amazon.com for a couple days, I believe, he had sold just one copy. But as soon as the national media kind of picked up on this story, I believe that in the first day he sold about 74 additional copies. All total we`re told he sold about 300 copies before, of course, selling his last copy, his last personal copy to the Polk County Sheriff`s Office.
BEHAR: Uh-huh. Well, you know, sheriff, you mentioned something already, but let`s go over it again. He said he didn`t write the book from any personal experience. What was it? It was a how-to book? How to deal with children if you want to molest them? Is that what the book is about?
JUDD: That`s exactly what it was about. And he did say it was from a personal experience when he was a child. But it taught the techniques to sexually abuse children. It taught how to avoid injuring a child, how to practice safe sex, how to avoid the risk of discovery.
It just was a complete text on how to molest and sexually abuse children. And the examples he gave, the real-life examples, was one child 9 and one 13. I guess ostensibly when he was 9 or 13.
BEHAR: Right. I see. Thank you, gentlemen.
We`ll be back in a minute.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Well, she was on my very first show, but since then, she`s been busy with her own hit Vegas extravaganza which is now an HBO special airing on New Year`s Eve. Here`s a sneak peek from "The Showgirl Must Go On." Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(SINGING)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: It`s simple but it says it. Please welcome the divine Miss Bette Midler. Yay, yay, yay.
(CLAPPING)
BEHAR: You remind me of Lucy. Was it that Lucy episode which --
BETTE MIDLER, SINGER/ACTRESS: The greatest. The greatest. She was such a genius.
BEHAR: She was. Very, very funny. But she was not funny in real life.
MIDLER: I`ll tell you something. I didn`t care whether she was funny or not. I worshipped her, and I was lucky enough to meet her when I was a kid when I was coming through L.A. in the early, early --
BEHAR: Was she with (INAUDIBLE) at that time?
MIDLER: She was not. She was with Gary.
BEHAR: OK.
MIDLER: And they were both very kind to me. She was especially kind. And I met her, and she was like -- this is like the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. And she talked like, she talked down here because she smoked. And she spent so much time up here that she kind of, like, lost her middle notes. That was really -- and I played scrabble with her. I went to her house.
BEHAR: Really?
MIDLER: She invited me to her house.
BEHAR: We`re talking about Lucille Ball in case you missed that.
MIDLER: She had a scrabble set cemented into the floor. That`s how much they loved scrabble and a gigantic dictionary next to it. She put down a seven-letter word as soon as we started, so it was like forget this.
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: You know, she`s great.
BEHAR: Wow. That`s some story. Little details of --
MIDLER: Little details.
BEHAR: Lucille Ball`s life. Yes.
MIDLER: Oh, my God how I worshipped her.
BEHAR: Now, it`s the holiday season.
MIDLER: It is.
BEHAR: Do you do Christmas? I know you`re Jewish, but do you do Christmas?
MIDLER: My husband is German. So, of course, I do Christmas. He does a big, big Christmas, and he`s feisty about it.
BEHAR: Your husband is gentile?
MIDLER: My husband is half gentile. My husband is a German, which I think -- he told me that they invented Christmas. He might be right. I don`t know. But he`s very anal about it. He has a big tree. He has real candles.
BEHAR: Real candles. It`s a fire hazard. What do you mean?
MIDLER: It`s not Christmas unless it`s fire hazard in the living room. Absolutely.
(LAUGHTER)
MIDLER: But it`s fantastic, and he goes whole hog. He has a goose, and he has -- and, you know, he rings the little bell on Christmas Eve. He`s lit all the candles. And my daughter used to climb up the stairs and say oh, you know -- 26 years already. I mean, God.
BEHAR: Enough already.
MIDLER: Well, it`s a lot of Christmases, I`m telling you.
BEHAR: Where did you meet your husband?
MIDLER: I met my husband in a bar.
BEHAR: OK.
MIDLER: Yes. Where did you meet yours?
BEHAR: At a nudist colony.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: But he was the only one nude. Everyone else was dressed.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: He`s sitting over there. It`s not true. There were other nudists also.
MIDLER: Really? You actually met him at a nudist colony?
BEHAR: Yes. These guys would walk around half naked. I wouldn`t. I wouldn`t take my --
MIDLER: Well, they don`t let you in, unless, you`re half naked.
BEHAR: No. It wasn`t a real nudist colony. It was like, you know, an adult place.
MIDLER: Oh, really? Like Plato`s retreat?
BEHAR: No, not quite.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: It was just social workers there, OK, naked social workers.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: How exciting could that be?
MIDLER: Wait. I see the whole picture. Say no more.
BEHAR: All right.
MIDLER: Say no more. So, Christmas time is the only time my husband actually ever lets me in the kitchen. Usually, he`s the chef. He won`t let me in the kitchen, but on Christmas time he lets me in. Last night, I made a lasagna.
BEHAR: Wow.
MIDLER: My first lasagna. It was very, very tricky. Who knew?
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: It`s so labor intensive.
BEHAR: Can I give you a tip?
MIDLER: Please.
BEHAR: You soak the noodles for 20 minutes in hot water. Don`t boil them.
MIDLER: Oh, you don`t boil them?
BEHAR: Don`t boil them. (INAUDIBLE) taught me this from the Food Network. It`s the best trick. And they -- you don`t have those --
MIDLER: But aren`t they kind of chewy?
BEHAR: No. They`re not chewy. Twenty minutes in hot, hot.
MIDLER: But not boiling?
BEHAR: Not boiling.
MIDLER: Next time.
BEHAR: OK?
MIDLER: OK, great.
BEHAR: Now, you`re telling me you met your husband in a bar.
MIDLER: I met my husband in a bar.
BEHAR: Were you out to pick up a guy that night?
MIDLER: No. I was out to pick up a performance artist. The performance artist was all the rage. And, of course, because I`m a performer, I like to keep up on the performing. And my girlfriend said I know one. And she said I`m going to call him. And she called him and we all went on a big party. Actually, it was the -- it was the Roxy.
We went on a big party where we see King Crimson. They`re like 20 people in the party. That was when I first went him. And we went out for dinner afterwards and his car had been robbed. That`s how I remembered him. Oh, he`s the one with the robbed Volkswagen.
BEHAR: But you know, most women that are out to look for a hedge fund, not a performance artist.
MIDLER: There were no hedge funds people. There were no hedge funds people in those days.
BEHAR: What kind of Jewish girl are you? You`re not looking for a doctor, you`re looking for a performance artist?
MIDLER: I didn`t know any better. Now, I know.
BEHAR: Now, you know.
MIDLER: Now, I know, but then, I mean, hedge funds were just coming out. Who knew?
(LAUGHTER)
MIDLER: Who knew you could make billions on the turn of a whatever, you know? Who knew?
BEHAR: All right. Let`s talk about your Vegas show.
MIDLER: Yes, please.
BEHAR: Which I`m sure is just as fabulous because I saw you in Las Vegas. It`s a great show.
MIDLER: Yes.
BEHAR: And do you know that you`re competing against Snooki?
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: On MTV.
MIDLER: Well, no contest.
BEHAR: Snooki will be dropped from a ball in Times Square.
MIDLER: Dropped from a ball.
BEHAR: From a ball.
MIDLER: She`s being dropped. Will she bounce? But wait a minute.
BEHAR: She is the ball.
MIDLER: Well, hold on a second. I`m -- Snooki kicked out -- kicked Kathy Griffin to the curb.
BEHAR: No. She`s doing something with Anderson, I think, Kathy, yes.
MIDLER: Oh, I see.
BEHAR: This is separate.
MIDLER: Oh. Wait a second. I`m on at 9:00, so believe me, it`s only an hour and a half show. It`s only an hour.
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: B the time, we`ll be done before --
BEHAR: Before Snooki drops?
MIDLER: Yes, before Snooki drops. Will you be there?
BEHAR: At Times Square? What do you think ,I`m nuts?
(LAUGHTER)
MIDLER: I went one year. I went one year. I had a great time.
BEHAR: Now, what`s this I hear -- no, I`m too claustrophobic.
MIDLER: It`s claustrophobic, yes.
BEHAR: Now, what`s this I hear that you have panic attacks and stage fright? I never knew that about you.
MIDLER: Where did you find that?
BEHAR: We found it. We looked you up.
MIDLER: What do you mean? Who put that online?
BEHAR: It was out in the press. Do you have them?
MIDLER: Of course I do, but I don`t tell anybody about them.
BEHAR: Well, now everybody --
MIDLER: Who outed me? One of you?
BEHAR: It`s nothing to be ashamed of.
MIDLER: No, no, I know it isn`t. It depends on how stressful the event is. If it`s my own thing, I`m usually OK if I`ve had enough rehearsal. If I haven`t had enough rehearsal and I have too many other things to do, then I do -- I wake up in the morning, in the middle of the night rather screaming. I do. I do.
BEHAR: You get palpitations?
MIDLER: I get palpitations and I wake up screaming.
BEHAR: I understand that because if I don`t know my material, and I go on stage, I`m in a panic vomiting and everything else.
MIDLER: Yes, that`s it. That`s it.
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: And it all has to do with whether or not you`re comfortable in what you`re supposed to do.
BEHAR: It`s funny about performing because you can`t really rehearse that much, especially stand-up. Who are you going to do it to, the mirror? It`s all happening in the moment.
MIDLER: No, but you have to know what it is you`re going to go out and talk about. You have to have that solid. You can`t just go out and wing that.
BEHAR: You cannot.
MIDLER: Oh, my God. Bullet points.
BEHAR: Some people do that.
MIDLER: Some people do it, but they`re really --
BEHAR: But it`s not a script when you do stand-up. You have bullet points.
MIDLER: You have your chunks that you move around mentally, yes. But you basically know the structure.
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: If you go out and you don`t even know what the -- I have to sing, I have to dance, I have to hit my mark, I have to wrangle three women at the (INAUDIBLE).
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: I have to worry about whether I`m in tune or not, I have to worry about those 18 guys behind me. This was really hard. Although, I never really panicked about this because this never changed. Night after night, you did the same thing so, that was fabulous for me.
BEHAR: What are you going to do after this?
MIDLER: I`m not doing anything.
BEHAR: You`re not doing anything.
MIDLER: I`m announcing it tonight. It`s over.
BEHAR: You`re retiring?
MIDLER: No, no. I would never use that word. No, No. you know what, I got off the stage January 29th of this year, and I said I have got to lie down. And I laid down, and I didn`t get up till April. I had like adrenal failure. I was beat.
BEHAR: Adrenal failure.
MIDLER: I did. I was, like, I`m tired. This hurts.
BEHAR: It`s exhausting what you do.
MIDLER: It was. And I tell you, it wasn`t so much the show, it was the quick changes.
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: The changes just killed me.
BEHAR: You know what, this is how I see you. I told you this once before. I see you at Carnegie Hall in a black dress looking very stunning and just singing your songs alone on the stage.
MIDLER: My musical director came to me tonight -- came to me one day and she said I have the idea. Five nights, one dress.
BEHAR: That`s it.
MIDLER: Yes.
BEHAR: One dress, no feathers. You done that. Been there, done that.
MIDLER: Been there, and there`s no question about it. I see myself actually with no feathers. I see myself in a dress but I see myself with no band and no girls. I see myself just chatting, just having a schmooze, you know, not singing, merely just talking, and not stand-up exactly but kind of lecturing.
BEHAR: Lecturing?
MIDLER: Lecturing. I see myself lecturing.
BEHAR: Well, you might have to wear feathers for that.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: I mean, did you se Joan Rivers` documentary?
MIDLER: You know what, that`s the one thing I didn`t get to see and I was dying to see it.
BEHAR: OK. Her greatest fear is when she looks at a calendar with no dates on it.
MIDLER: My God, to me, that`s like haven.
BEHAR: You say that now because you`re exhausted. What if a couple of years go by and there are no dates?
MIDLER: Well, there will never be no dates. You can always amuse yourself. You can always make yourself -- entertain yourself.
BEHAR: OK. I`m just getting take hand (ph) with Ms. Bette Midler, so don`t go away.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
(SINGING)
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: That was curly tops, the divine Bette Midler in "The Showgirl Must Go On" which airs New Year`s Eve on HBO. Curly hair in that one.
MIDLER: Yes. Yes.
BEHAR: Was that a wig?
MIDLER: Of course, it was a wig. What do you think, it was my real hair?
BEHAR: Now, you know, you say in the show that you invented trashy, but you were tame compared to some of today`s girls. Explain that.
MIDLER: Well, you know, in my day, you couldn`t -- if you had a sex tape you would be jailed or hung by your fingernails. You were ostracized. In my -- I want to say -- I swore I would never use those words, "in my day."
BEHAR: OK.
MIDLER: And now, here it is, and I`m saying in my day, and that was not that long ago. A sex tape would not make you a star.
BEHAR: That`s the only thing that makes you a star now.
MIDLER: Now, it helps a lot. It seems to help a lot, but I don`t think it would help me. I don`t think it would help me.
BEHAR: You`re too funny.
MIDLER: I don`t think they would --
BEHAR: There were no (ph) comediennes doing sex tapes.
MIDLER: No, they really don`t.
BEHAR: They don`t.
MIDLER: Although, I don`t know, sometimes in that movie "The Hangover," that last scene I was absolutely appalled.
BEHAR: Appalled.
MIDLER: Completely appalled.
BEHAR: Oh, really?
MIDLER: Yes. It doesn`t take much to appall me. I`m shocked at everything.
BEHAR: Yes, yes. You`re very Presbyterian or whatever the word is.
MIDLER: I`m just shocked. I think because I was -- I was so convinced that life was the way it was. When I was growing up, you know, I settled the way life was, and I was not prepared for how fast and how violent the changes were going to be.
BEHAR: No one is.
MIDLER: Yes. No one is.
BEHAR: The whole 20th century is riddled with violence and craziness.
MIDLER: Yes.
BEHAR: Now, there`s a difference between bawdy and trashy. So, when I throw out a name to you, you tell me if they`re bawdy or trashy.
MIDLER: OK.
BEHAR: Lady Gaga.
MIDLER: She is bawdy.
BEHAR: Bawdy. Madonna.
MIDLER: She`s also bawdy, but she has a little edge of trash. No problem with that.
BEHAR: Barbara Bush.
(LAUGHTER)
MIDLER: Barbara -- Barbara Bush is Presbyterian. She is.
BEHAR: How about Angelina Jolie?
MIDLER: Angelina Jolie is neither.
BEHAR: She`s neither.
MIDLER: She doesn`t seem to have -- she doesn`t seem to be very amused or amusing about anything.
BEHAR: No. There`s the tattoos, though. Is that trashy?
MIDLER: I don`t think -- well, on some people it is. I was looking at the website laugh out loud tatz. Have you seen that? Never mind. OK. Let`s go on.
BEHAR: I never saw that.
MIDLER: loltatz. Hilarious.
BEHAR: Really? It`s funny?
MIDLER: It`s like people who like make mistakes.
BEHAR: Oh, it sounds funny. I`ll look it up. What about Larry King, bawdy or trashy?
MIDLER: Neither. Come on. Be a good sport.
BEHAR: OK.
MIDLER: I like Larry. He was really --
BEHAR: We all love Larry. He was good to me, too. Look at him. There he is.
MIDLER: God bless him.
BEHAR: Yes. He`s going to spend time --
MIDLER: We`re going to miss him.
BEHAR: You know, when they say I have to retire because I want to spend more time with my children, he means it. He has two young kids.
MIDLER: I know that.
BEHAR: You know, he`s getting up there. He needs to spend time with them now. Let`s talk about getting older. You know, a lot of women in their 60s are working.
MIDLER: Yes.
BEHAR: Case in point, you and me. Barbra Streisand.
MIDLER: Yes.
BEHAR: Who else? I had people`s names down here.
MIDLER: Well, Barbara Walter, she`s not 60 but --
BEHAR: No. She`s older than that. She`s older than that. Diane Sawyer.
MIDLER: Diane Sawyer.
BEHAR: And then this Betty White who`s 88.
MIDLER: Candice Bergen.
BEHAR: Candice Bergen in her 60s, doing very well. I like her, too. So what is it about -- how come we`re still working? What happened to ageism?
MIDLER: It still exists. It still exists. They kind of like shut you off into some kind of a place where you`re OK, where you`re acceptable.
BEHAR: Aha.
MIDLER: You know, where you can have your demographic, where your audience will love you.
BEHAR: Well, that`s true of everybody. Everybody needs a demographic.
MIDLER: Yes, I -- well, I guess that`s -- not everybody. But -- people in show business needed demographic.
BEHAR: Yes. People in show business have to have their audience.
MIDLER: Yes. And why do you think we still keep working? I personally think that it`s very nice to be wanted. It really is nice to be wanted, and sometimes, you get to the point where you need the money. You know, you`re used to a certain kind of life and you need it.
BEHAR: That`s right.
MIDLER: It`s expensive, relatively expensive, and you need -- I don`t think that`s so hard to understand.
BEHAR: No.
MIDLER: A lot of people don`t say it.
BEHAR: No. I understand people wanting to work, it`s that usually you thrown out at a certain age, but I think that if you start younger it`s OK. I don`t know that you can start at 70 or 80.
MIDLER: You can`t start anything at -- well, that`s not true.
BEHAR: Why not?
MIDLER: Well, I was talking --
BEHAR: Remember that woman, where`s the beef? She had that big career --
MIDLER: She was one in a million.
BEHAR: OK.
MIDLER: Let`s talk about Betty White, then.
BEHAR: Yes, what about her?
MIDLER: I looked at Betty White`s calendar. I don`t know why, but somehow, I was looking at Betty White`s calendar. And this is what it said. And Betty White is very hot now.
BEHAR: She is.
MIDLER: Charity, charity, charity, charity, talk show, charity, charity, charity, charity, talk show, talk show, charity, charity, charity, charity, charity, talk show.
BEHAR: Aha.
MIDLER: Shooting, shooting, shooting, charity, charity, charity. So, there`s like a flip where they really want you to raise money for causes, and if you have a cause that`s very dear to you, as I do, you find yourself being swept up in the joy of being able to keep these organizations alive.
BEHAR: I know your organization. You`re personally determined to clean up New York City.
MIDLER: I tell you, I`m like a dog with a bone.
BEHAR: You are like a dog with a bone.
MIDLER: I am. I`m like a dog with a pile of poop --
BEHAR: You`re a dog with a broom.
MIDLER: Oh, I`m telling you --
BEHAR: But, you know, Fran Lebowitz --
MIDLER: I saw that, hilarious.
BEHAR: But she says that, you know, people like you have ruined the city by cleaning it up and making it pretty.
MIDLER: It`s true. It`s true. She is very anti- -- she`s very anti- new New York. She is very anti -- if I had to get into a car with her and another -- two other women so she could drive me along those streets that they`ve made into little seedy areas for the tourists.
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: I had to go down the -- down Broadway with her while she pointed out every mistake that they had made. She`s absolutely livid about it. And she thinks I can fix it.
BEHAR: Well, yes, I know.
MIDLER: She said you got to help me with this. I couldn`t get over it.
BEHAR: OK. Here`s another thing and I want to talk to you about.
MIDLER: OK. No punch line.
BEHAR: That`s all right. They just repealed "don`t ask, don`t tell." Aren`t you happy about that?
MIDLER: I`m very happy.
BEHAR: We have gay, guys and girls out there --
MIDLER: Absolutely. People who want to serve and serve, and they can serve honorably and they don`t have to hide.
BEHAR: It`s about time.
MIDLER: It`s about time.
BEHAR: And John McCain, this is sad day.
MIDLER: You know what, he`s a -- don`t say it`s a sad day.
BEHAR: He said that.
MIDLER: He said it`s a sad day, but look where he`s coming from. He`s a guy who served in the military, who was in, you know, in a prisoner of war camp.
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: He has very strong feelings. How old is he?
BEHAR: I don`t know.
MIDLER: Well, you`re asking him to totally change his stripes? I mean, some things are not going to change.
BEHAR: Whatever.
MIDLER: Go with the flow. Be a willow. Be flexible, don`t be rigid.
BEHAR: Listen, if I was a willow, I wouldn`t have this show, OK?
MIDLER: OK. But I just want to say this.
(LAUGHTER)
MIDLER: I just want to say this. It came through. The rest of the Congress came through.
BEHAR: I know. I`m happy about that, and gay marriage will be next and immigration, the DREAM act is the one after that. That`s what they have to do deal with. OK, now, what do you make of this Carrie Fisher thing? Or should I hold that for the next segment?
MIDLER: I have no idea what you`re talking about.
BEHAR: I`m going to hold --
MIDLER: I saw her in the show, and I liked it. BEHAR: It was great. I`m going to talk about outing people in the next segment.
MIDLER: Who did she out now?
BEHAR: John Travolta.
MIDLER: She did. When did she do that?
BEHAR: She did that. She said, wow, I mean, my feeling about John has always been that we know and we don`t care. Look, I`m sorry he was uncomfortable with it, and that`s all I can say. Travolta is furious. I mean, he`s never even been to a Bette Midler concert.
(LAUGHTER)
MIDLER: You waited all that time just for that punch line, didn`t you. That`s all right. I don`t care.
BEHAR: So, anyway --
MIDLER: What do I think?
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: I have no idea. I have no feelings about it. Does she know John Travolta?
BEHAR: Yes. She says she`s a friend of his and she outed him.
MIDLER: Well, she`s not much of a friend.
BEHAR: If she outed him and it`s true, we don`t know if it`s true, she said that.
MIDLER: I don`t know if it`s true either. I would never make that --
BEHAR: Unless I`ve slept with a guy, I will not say that.
MIDLER: That`s what I saw. You are a poor performer, and I`m going to tell them you`re gay. I mean, how does she know? How does she know?
BEHAR: I don`t know.
MIDLER: I think that`s so strange.
BEHAR: We`ll be back with more from Ms. Bette Midler.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with Bette Midler. OK. I have some Twitter questions for you. People are interested in you. Would you ever do "Dancing with the Stars"?
MIDLER: No.
BEHAR: Why? I think you`d be a very good dancer.
MIDLER: You mean dance? I would judge it. I would never dance.
BEHAR: No, dancing.
MIDLER: Are you kidding? That stuff hurts.
BEHAR: Did you watch it? Did you watch Bristol Palin?
MIDLER: I did not, but I can get it on YouTube or anything.
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: I haven`t watched it yet.
BEHAR: Do you watch television?
MIDLER: I do watch television.
BEHAR: You do?
MIDLER: I do watch television. I watch YouTube all the time. Constantly. I love it.
BEHAR: YouTube. You like YouTube.
MIDLER: I love YouTube. That`s all the stuff you miss.
BEHAR: So, what are you, catching up on --
MIDLER: Yes, catching up.
BEHAR: From when? From when you were born in Hawaii? Oh, God. All right. Ask her if she was drunk when she had sex with Geraldo?
MIDLER: Was I drunk? No. I was wide awake.
BEHAR: How was he?
MIDLER: Wasn`t bad.
(LAUGHTER)
MIDLER: It was all right.
BEHAR: OK.
MIDLER: He chased me and chased me until he caught me
BEHAR: Really.
MIDLER: And I couldn`t figure it out. I said, what does this guy want with me? I couldn`t figure out. That was before he lost his mind. He`s probably going to sue me. Let`s go on.
BEHAR: No, he`s not. All right. Now, do you --
MIDLER: What happened to him? Is he still on TV?
BEHAR: Yes. He has a show on Fox. He`s very good. Do you miss the bathhouses?
MIDLER: No, I do not miss this bathhouse, one bathhouse.
BEHAR: Oh, the bathhouse was playing there unimaginable fun or have we romanticized it, some would say?
MIDLER: I think you have romanticized it. It was a tremendous amount of fun, but I think a lot of people have romanticized it. And I`ll tell you why, because if the number of people that were actually there, the number of people that have come up to me to say they were there, if I was actually playing to that number of people, I would have been playing Madison Square Garden.
BEHAR: Aha.
MIDLER: And I was playing, like, the room the size of this table.
BEHAR: Really?
MIDLER: Yes. I mean, thousands of people over the years have said, you know, I was there. It`s like the kind of that I was there. So, you know.
BEHAR: So, it`s romanticized. How does Miss M. say in such great shape?
MIDLER: I`m not in very good shape today.
BEHAR: Yes, you are.
MIDLER: No. I had the lasagna.
BEHAR: Do you diet? Are you constantly dieting?
MIDLER: No. I don`t diet at all.
BEHAR: You don`t?
MIDLER: I eat everything. It`s the booze that does it to you, though. The booze that really put --
BEHAR: Why? Because it retains?
MIDLER: No, no, because the booze turns to sugar instantly and the sugar turns to fat. There you go.
BEHAR: Is there anything you can drink?
MIDLER: It doesn`t stop me from drinking. I drink anyway.
BEHAR: Yes.
MIDLER: But it does pack on the pounds. I don`t care.
BEHAR: It does. What do you think, red wine?
MIDLER: No. I hardly drink red wine. It acidifies your system, and in fact, it will completely ruin your whole system. I don`t like red wine.
BEHAR: Red wine. How about white wine?
MIDLER: White wine is a little bit better. I drink hard liquor.
BEHAR: Like scotch?
MIDLER: No, no, no, like gin.
BEHAR: Gin.
MIDLER: Gin and tonic. I`ll have a knock back a couple of those, but I can only have two drinks. I can only have two drinks. If I have more than two drinks, and actually, two drinks is the top of my limit. I can`t have more than two drinks.
BEHAR: So, that doesn`t make you as fat as the wine?
MIDLER: It does make you fight. I`m saying -- what I`m saying is you have to exercise. That`s the part --
BEHAR: I know. So, do you do that constantly?
MIDLER: The exercise is key. Constantly, I wouldn`t say. The other day, I went to hot yoga, to Bikram yoga.
BEHAR: Oh.
MIDLER: (INAUDIBLE)
BEHAR: Oh, my God. I hate yoga with a passion.
MIDLER: You do?
BEHAR: Oh!
MIDLER: Why?
BEHAR: I`m sitting there. I was so bored. I`m thinking of food. I hate it.
MIDLER: I love yoga. What`s wrong?
BEHAR: Now, anything that makes me think of food. That`s why I don`t smoke pot.
MIDLER: I don`t smoke pot either.
BEHAR: Talk about making you fat, you`re in the refrigerator.
MIDLER: That is so true.
BEHAR: I have to end this. It was a pleasure.
MIDLER: Why?
BEHAR: I know. We`re really getting warmed up. I got to go. It`s only an hour show.
MIDLER: Was I here for an hour?
BEHAR: No. You were here for half an hour.
MIDLER: Oh, well, all right.
BEHAR: Be sure to watch "The Showgirl Must Go On" on HBO at 9:00 p.m. on New Year`s Eve. Don`t watch Snooki. Watch her. Good night, everybody.
END
