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Joy Behar Page
Colin`s St. Patrick`s Day; Return of Tiger Woods
Aired March 17, 2011 - 22:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
JOY BEHAR, HOST: Well, today is St. Patrick`s Day, and who better to help us celebrate the big day than my old comedy buddy, Colin Quinn.
COLIN QUINN, COMEDIAN: Oh, I see, Joy.
BEHAR: Yes.
QUINN: Get the Irish guy. Let`s get the Irish guy to celebrate -- what am I, one of your dancing little Irish leprechauns? What`s the problem Joy? I don`t care. You couldn`t find Pierce Brosnan, you gave me a burn. Look at me.
BEHAR: All right. I`ll plug your HBO special.
QUINN: Oh, Danny boy
BEHAR: Everyone can be bought.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, just in time for St. Patrick`s Day, comedian Colin Quinn is here to talk about green beer and his hit one-man show "Long Story Short".
Then the bad boys are back. Tiger Woods plays the straight man on late night with Jimmy Fallon.
Meanwhile, Mel Gibson was finally booked for his criminal battery case, and you know what that means, a new mug shot.
Plus, money maven, Suze Orman gives her tips and tricks for surviving a bad economy. And she answers your questions.
That and more starting right now.
BEHAR: In Ireland, St. Patrick`s Day is a religious holiday celebrated by attending church, wearing green and loosening the Lenten restrictions. In America, it`s celebrated by vomiting on parade routes.
So is it time to end this annual tradition? I think so.
Here to talk about that and more, my good friend, Colin Quinn whose one-man show, "Long Story Short" airs on HBO April 9th. I think they should have the parade -- don`t get me wrong Colin -- but the vomiting has to stop.
QUINN: First of all, loosening Lenten restrictions means vomiting on a parade route. I don`t know why the Irish people are acting like they`re sitting around with a pipe and you know, sitting in some easy chair reading Joyce and Yeats. Who the hell are they kidding?
That`s how we do it over there. No, you don`t. You don`t do anything over there like that. You drink every day.
BEHAR: Are you a fan of the parade? Do you march? Because you`re wearing green, I see.
QUINN: Of course I`m a fan of the parade. But I marched when I was teenager of course. As you know, back in the days, you go there and I tried to like jump in one time with like the girls from whatever it was, sacred school --
BEHAR: Sacred Heart?
QUINN: St. Joseph by the sea -- one of these. Literally a cop picked me up, it shows how physically imposing I was, and pulled me into the crowd. I was trying to march, pick up some chicks on the parade. I would stumble in like some idiot in the movie. Hey, girls.
BEHAR: Really?
QUINN: That was the parade the way it was meant to be.
BEHAR: Now, I want you to know that I wore green here --
QUINN: I know. I appreciate that.
BEHAR: I`m wearing green earrings, just for this segment because after you leave, I go back to my regular jewelry. But for this I wore green. They have bracelets --
QUINN: Just for the segment?
BEHAR: Just for the segment. QUINN: I think your hostility toward the Irish people -- first you try to break up the parade.
BEHAR: No, I love the Irish.
QUINN: Hey, I think we should end this parade.
BEHAR: No, no, no. I adore the Irish.
QUINN: What do you want to do with the Dominican Day parade, while we`re at it? Try to end that one.
BEHAR: All these parades these days, people are drinking and cooking hibachis they say in some of those tree things.
QUINN: Who is? Now, wait you`re talking about a different parade right now. Don`t get me started, Joy.
BEHAR: No, don`t start doing ethnic slurs you`ll be like Gilbert Gottfried. What about Gilbert Gottfried?
QUINN: I know.
BEHAR: What do you think of that? Joan Rivers, all the comedians pretty much came to his defense.
QUINN: That was my Joan Rivers impression.
BEHAR: Yes, oh.
QUINN: It`s a tough one, because on the one hand it`s like -- the part that is the worst is Gilbert is so cheap, this kills him more than it would kill anybody else, to lose a dime kills him, so who knows how much money. How much do you think a guy like him grabs for a show like that, anyway?
BEHAR: Who?
QUINN: How much dough do you grab for AFLAC a year?
BEHAR: A lot.
QUINN: A million.
BEHAR: No, not a year, he doesn`t make a million, but over the years he`s made a million or two. I`m sure. He`s done it for 10 years.
QUINN: It`s more than that. He`s got to make a million a year I figure.
BEHAR: Who`s your agent?
QUINN: I don`t know.
BEHAR: Call him because if he`s making a million a year for going AFLAC, get on that parade.
QUINN: Joy, I hate to say this, but you just did a pretty good AFLAC there.
BEHAR: Well, you know, there is an opening. AFLAC.
QUINN: No, you ruined it, the first one was perfect.
BEHAR: All right. I can do it that way again, I`m an actress.
QUINN: I know. You`re feeling self-conscious.
BEHAR: Now what about -- what else about the parade? Do you want anything else to tell me about this whole thing with the -- like for instance, the parade, there`s no gays in the Irish parade?
QUINN: There`s no gays in the Irish parade.
BEHAR: No St. Patrick`s parade in New York. They don`t really want any gays --
QUINN: You`re not counting the priests.
BEHAR: I`m not counting the priests, I`m counting just --
QUINN: Mike Sweeney`s joke originally.
BEHAR: I`m talking about your run of the mill Irish people who are gay; they`re not in the parade --
QUINN: Well, they`re in the parade, but you know, they`re not there as an organization.
BEHAR: Well, they can`t say I`m gay and I`m proud and I`m Irish.
QUINN: Yes, but I understand it because look, as much as it`s kind of hypocritical with all of this stuff that goes on -- you`re going to see that part too -- there`s no such thing. It`s Irish people. We don`t want to be sexualized. You don`t sexualize anything with Irish people so, why should gays be sexualized? Do you understand?
Even straight people go, you shouldn`t say that, you aren`t supposed to be sexual if you`re Irish.
BEHAR: That`s because of the church put the clamps on this sexual thing.
QUINN: That`s right. Listen, you and the Puerto Ricans were like, I don`t care.
BEHAR: Italians no.
QUINN: The Italians and the Puerto Ricans, they don`t listen. They listen to every part of the church, except the sex part. We listened to all three of them.
BEHAR: It`s true, Berlusconi, that old fart is still doing --
QUINN: Oh, my God. I`ve a (INAUDIBLE) girl, you wouldn`t believe over here.
She`s 17 years old, Silvio. Whatever, 17.
BEHAR: He`s a pig. Porca.
But just as an FYI, they do have another parade in Queens where the gays are proud and --
QUINN: Yes. Woodside. Have you been out there lately?
BEHAR: No.
QUINN: They have a whole gay -- Jackson -- which side is it?
BEHAR: Chelsea.
QUINN: They have a little side street called -- they call it Vaseline alley.
BEHAR: Stop it.
QUINN: I swear to god. I swear to my mother. Joy, a little of your Williamsburg (ph) feel, I swear to my mother. You go to Williamsburg lately?
BEHAR: Oh, my God, I can`t afford to live in Williamsburg.
QUINN: You don`t recognize it, do you.
BEHAR: I used to hang out in the mozzarella store over there. Now, there is these people -- they`ve got vintage clothing stores. How sad is that?
(CROSSTALK)
QUINN: That`s one of the greatest things I`ve ever heard. In the mozzarella store.
BEHAR: I used to sit on the (INAUDIBLE) -- they used to hoard the mozzarella in there.
QUINN: In a mozzarella barrel? What was it?
BEHAR: Then they would smoke them, and sit on that.
QUINN: She was sitting them like Nicolas Cage in "Moonstruck". I`m down here working. I lost a hand for mozzarella.
BEHAR: Ok. Let`s talk about Blagojevich.
QUINN: I bet your early life was like "Moonstruck" actually. They probably wanted you to marry some nice Daniel guy -- like hello Joy.
BEHAR: Nobody in that movie is not about Italian. There`s nobody in it that`s Italian.
QUINN: What do you mean? Cher is not Italian? She`s Armenian.
BEHAR: That other one, what`s her name, the Greek.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Dukakis, Olympia Dukakis. Remember when her cousin was running.
QUINN: Who?
BEHAR: Dukakis, Michael Dukakis.
QUINN: Michael Dukakis, yes.
BEHAR: She went on the air and she goes, this is the year of the Dukaki. Do we have to listen to this? I mean answer that.
You were on the show, I start free associating.
QUINN: It didn`t help him. Blagojevich.
BEHAR: You want to talk about Blagojevich?
QUINN: I don`t know.
BEHAR: He`s so lame.
QUINN: That`s a strong word. Like, he`s so lame. Gosh darn it, Joy, I hope you don`t want that kind of talking to you.
BEHAR: He said that his -- listen to this -- lawmakers wanted to throw me out of office long before I had my tsunami happen to me. He`s talking about his corruption scandal, he said that`s his tsunami. What an idiot.
QUINN: Yes. I understand, though. Because last night at a mediocre set, I call it my Holocaust.
BEHAR: Did you really? That was a mistake to do that.
QUINN: You think so?
BEHAR: Thank you, Gilbert Gottfried. AFLAC.
QUINN: Exactly.
BEHAR: AFLAC, audition right now. Maybe you`ll get the gig.
QUINN: That sounds great. I`ll probably be good at it, too. My voice is distinctive. AFLAC.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Now, Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen is speaking of, you know, doing stand up. Charlie Sheen has got this fantastic tour.
QUINN: Looks like a good one.
BEHAR: He`s going to be at Radio City. Have you performed there?
QUINN: I have never performed at Radio City.
BEHAR: It`s a huge venue.
QUINN: It`s a huge venue. It takes years of quality live performance before you get booked there.
BEHAR: And Charlie Sheen.
QUINN: I`ve never performed in Radio City my entire life, and Charlie Sheen`s there.
BEHAR: He has 45 hot minutes.
QUINN: Two years ago after doing comedy for what, 22 years, I was offered an opportunity to warm up the crowd at Radio City for like one of those VH 1 specials.
BEHAR: And?
QUINN: All I expected was, that`s outrageous Colin, a quality comedian like you was offered to warm up? She goes, yes, and? She wasn`t even trying to be funny. She was like, what happened, you turned it down? You had another gig. I was offered to warm-up.
(CROSSTALK)
QUINN: It`s a slap in the face. There`s no Italians (INAUDIBLE).
BEHAR: Oh, God. I have to go. We`re sort of out of time.
QUINN: Oh, heavens.
BEHAR: You want to stay longer, you could just hang out with me.
QUINN: Why not?
BEHAR: Ok. Now, I`m going to come and see your show again. You`re going to be in the Hamptons. I`ve got to see that show.
All right. So, "Long Story Short" HBO special airs April 9th and he`ll be performing this show at Gil`s Hall (ph) in Kansas, which is a charming theater. I`ve done it many times.
QUINN: You have.
BEHAR: Yes.
QUINN: Nice?
BEHAR: Yes. East Hampton is out in the Hamptons and it`s June 8 through the June 26 --
QUINN: That`s right folks. Make a left to the mozzarella store --
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Next on the JOY BEHAR SHOW, Tiger Woods comes out swinging making his fuzz late night appearance since the infamous 2009 incident.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Now, Tiger Woods made his much anticipated return to late night TV yesterday with an appearance on "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon"; his first since the cheating scandal. Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JIMMY FALLON, TALK SHOW HOST: It`s been a year and a half since you were on a show.
TIGER WOODS, PRO GOLFER: Yes.
FALLON: What have you been up to?
WOODS: Nothing. Nothing.
FALLON: I mean we`ve laughed at your pain, and I mean -- just -- I mean not even making jokes, it kind of wrote itself. I mean, balls, shaft, holes, foursomes, I mean, it really writes itself. I just want to say, thank you, thank you, thank you.
WOODS: You got it.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Personally I`m happy to see Tiger back. I was really tired of doing Charlie Sheen jokes. With me now to discuss this and other stories in the news are: comedian Greg Proops; Deborah Norville, host of "Inside Edition"; and Michael Fazio, author of "Concierge Confidential". Welcome to the show.
Now, Greg, as a comedian, he had to go there, right?
GREG PROOPS, COMEDIAN: Oh Jimmy?
BEHAR: Jimmy had to go there, when you know, when he says balls, shaft, hole, foursomes. Those are the buzz words.
PROOPS: Right, he left out ball washer. But I think -- I think Charlie Sheen has surpassed Tiger in the end.
BEHAR: Yes.
PROOPS: In the porn star Olympics as they call it.
BEHAR: Yes, the porn star Olympics.
PROOPS: I`ve always enjoyed Tiger Woods and Jesse James, because I`m married and they make me look great.
BEHAR: I know. That`s true.
PROOPS: You know, I might get drunk and come home a couple of minutes late but you know what I mean?
BEHAR: Yes, yes. Compared to that, you`re an angel.
PROOPS: Yes. Yes. So I`m drunk, what are you going to do?
BEHAR: Yes. Deborah, laughing at yourself is the best way to undo the bad image, right?
DEBORAH NORVILLE, HOST, "INSIDE EDITION": Absolutely. And it was a brilliant thing. The only question I have is why didn`t Tiger come out sooner? I think the reason he`s on right now, is he`s got a new video game to sell. There`s a new Tiger Woods WII game or whatever.
BEHAR: Oh boy.
NORVILLE: So there is kind of that commercial connection and I think it would have been better for him if he come out before he had something to sell and then come out again.
BEHAR: But you know, Michael, you understand this, you have to sell something. He`s always selling something.
MICHAEL FAZIO, AUTHOR, "CONCIERGE CONFIDENTIAL": Well, listen, I have one thing to say about the situation. It all could have been avoided if he had left all that organizing up to a concierge to, you know, cover all the tracks. Because it was just a little sloppy work, sorry.
BEHAR: Very sloppy indeed.
FAZIO: Yes.
BEHAR: I mean he also appeared on GMA this morning to talk about his new role as a single dad. Watch this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
WOODS: I think I`m more present. I`m -- I`m present with my kids, and that`s important. Because to be with them each and every time I`m with them, to -- to feel that and be connected to them and be present for that is -- is something that -- you know, I need to be, and I need to be for the rest of my life.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Somebody wasn`t present when he was schtooping (ph) all those porn stars.
NORVILLE: And you could have been present a lot sooner in these kid`s lives.
BEHAR: Yes, really.
NORVILLE: And who do we blame for that? Oh yes, me.
BEHAR: Yes, yes, yes, yes. I mean, come on.
PROOPS: It`s important to be present when you`re -- I don`t know -- their father? That would be good, right? As opposed to driving around the country and what not?
BEHAR: And looking for -- for you know.
PROOPS: Yes, love and all the wrong parking lots.
BEHAR: Well, I mean, you know Charlie Sheen has taken his place, I mentioned that before.
NORVILLE: Right.
BEHAR: I said the new Lothario. So is -- is Tiger on his way to making a full comeback, do you think?
NORVILLE: I think Tiger`s got to play great golf. That`s my opinion.
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: But he -- he seems to be slipping.
NORVILLE: He`s slipping in the golf.
BEHAR: Yes.
NORVILLE: In fact he admitted, he said, what he have you been doing lately? He said, well, mostly playing bad golf. He`s got a tournament this week at the Arnold Palmer Invitation; it`s hard to say that fast. And you know, he`s got to -- he`s got to play well, he`s to do well at the Masters next month.
BEHAR: Yes.
NORVILLE: If Tiger comes back on the golf course, to be honest with you, his fans will forgive him anything.
BEHAR: Well, this is almost like "Two and a Half Men" where Charlie Sheen as long as he performed well on the sitcom always forgiven. But then when he said something against that guy Chuck Lorre, the producer they turned on him and fired him.
PROOPS: Yes, you know how that works.
BEHAR: Yes.
PROOPS: Yes, Tiger`s got to win a game, or hit the ball through the dragon`s mouth to do something, to get that back. Charlie I think needs to stop dripping off the walls for five minutes. And he`s apparently going on a stand-up comedy tour which I`m thrilled.
BEHAR: Yes.
PROOPS: And by the way, Charlie, I`m available as an opener in case you need someone, because I haven`t really seen his act, but I`m guessing I have more jokes than he does.
BEHAR: I know, but he says -- I know, it takes -- you too, we`re both comics, it`s taken years to build up an hour of good material.
PROOPS: Yes.
BEHAR: This guy, 45 minutes, he`s got an act.
PROOPS: Well, sure, there`s trolls, and then Tiger blood. And then we win, win, win. And then after that you`re like, so there`s 38 minutes left.
BEHAR: Q and A.
PROOPS: Yes, yes.
BEHAR: It`s a long Q and A.
PROOPS: Who`s got a question?
NORVILLE: That`s what the goddesses are for though. You bring the goddesses in and you hang on them for a moment or two and that`s another 10 minutes of the show.
BEHAR: You know the goddesses could interview him. That`s a very good idea.
PROOPS: Is it really?
FAZIO: If there is only one goddess, right?
NORVILLE: No the other goddess came back, she went to -- no, the other goddess went to her drunk driving trial in Indiana and she has done what she had to do in front of the judge and the goddesses are back.
PROOPS: Which coincidentally the goddess Athena had to do after the conquering of Athens.
BEHAR: Is that so, I see the connection.
PROOPS: And she`s in her chariot, and she had too much wine, it was Dionysus` festival, you know how it goes. That`s the problem with goddesses.
BEHAR: Yes it is an issue.
PROOPS: Yes.
BEHAR: So now, one other story here before we go to the next segment, because Mel Gibson was booked last night for -- for his criminal battery case. Cops fingerprinted him and took this mug shot -- Look at the mug shot -- before releasing him. Here it is. That`s his new mug shot.
Now, here`s one from the 2006 DUI arrest. Ok. Now, which one, Deborah, which one do you think he should use as a head shot?
NORVILLE: Oh I think, frankly --
BEHAR: As an 8x10 blowout thing.
NORVILLE: As an 8x10.
BEHAR: Yes.
NORVILLE: I was actually surprised to -- to see the newest mug shot, that he didn`t look better. He knew he was being photographed. The guy is a movie star. I think he needed powder and I`m -- I`m -- sort of funny but I don`t mean to be funny.
But those -- those mug shots will haunt you forever. He could have looked better.
BEHAR: It`s true, he could have, right?
FAZIO: He went in voluntarily; he could have done some prep work, exactly.
NORVILLE: Yes, he knew what was going, you know, 2006, the guy had just been pulled out of a bar in a drunken stupor. I thought he looked really good for 2006 to be in that condition.
BEHAR: Yes.
NORVILLE: And one last night should have been (INAUDIBLE).
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: You`re right, because he had time --
NORVILLE: He could use a hair and make-up.
BEHAR: -- hairstylist and a make-up artist.
FAZIO: Well, he`s creating -- he`s creating his -- his new entree back into, you know, the good side. So --
NORVILLE: It could have been better.
FAZIO: Exactly.
BEHAR: What about "The Beaver" movie, you know Jodi Foster --
PROOPS: I adore beaver movies.
BEHAR: Well, who doesn`t? Jodie Foster loves them.
PROOPS: Oh I thought you meant about Charlie Sheen. Oh yes, though, she made a picture called "Beaver".
NORVILLE: "The Beaver."
BEHAR: I know, and that -- at least the beaver -- the beaver is a puppet that keeps saying, what kind of man is that, what kind of man is that?
NORVILLE: With a Russian accent?
BEHAR: What kind of man is that? Hits a woman that has a baby in her arm, what kind of man is that?
PROOPS: Was that a beaver or a Russian minx?
FAZIO: But then, you know, they reported that she went to get the baby. So I mean it`s not to blame the victim at all. But this whole, like you`re hitting me with a baby in my arms. There are people out there, they`re saying she literally in the middle of the fight went to t get the baby.
BEHAR: We don`t know that. We weren`t there. How do we know --
FAZIO: It`s the internet.
BEHAR: What kind of man is that? We`ll be back in a minute. Stay there.
A.J. HAMMER, HLN HOST, "SHOWBIZ TONIGHT": Tonight on "SHOWBIZ TONIGHT" the "TV Danger Zone". The inside story from reporters covering the crisis in Japan at 11:00 p.m. Eastern and Pacific on HLN.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JEFF ROSS, COMEDIAN: We roasted Donald Trump, Comedy Central.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Right.
ROSS: What are the jokes that didn`t make it?
Donald Trump is a born winner. Even his haircut is called the comb- over achiever.
Donald Trump becomes president, I want to ride on Hair Force One.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: That was Jeff Ross doing a little of his shtick from the roast of Donald Trump the other night. He`s very funny. We had him on last night.
Here`s an interesting story. I`m trying not to be too gleeful. But apparently Sarah Palin`s popularity numbers have dropped faster than Wilford Brimley`s balls. Ok.
PROOPS: Wow. I`m so glad I didn`t just eat.
BEHAR: So, Deborah.
NORVILLE: Don`t ask me about him. Talk about Miss Palin.
BEHAR: What do you think accounts for the lack of -- all of a sudden, their dropping.
NORVILLE: Huge. It was 88 percent approval when she was the VP running mate with John McCain. And it`s in the 50s now.
BEHAR: Yes.
NORVILLE: What`s really even more interesting is Public Policy released a poll today, and Charlie Sheen outpolls Sarah Palin amongst independent voters and when you have Republicans and Democrats.
BEHAR: They`re kidding, right?
NORVILLE: It`s a legitimate poll. It`s a joke question but I think it does speak to they disapprove of Sarah Palin. I think there`s a lot of things going on. There`s the question of whether she`s really is a serious candidate.
And I think a lot of -- I think what you`re seeing in that survey is a lot of people are saying, she`s in it for the publicity, is she in it for the governing? She left being the governor of Alaska early. She has a tremendously lucrative speaking career. She`s going to India and Israel this weekend, presumably to burnish up her foreign policy credentials. So maybe --
BEHAR: Maybe she should go to Japan, that`s where the problem is right now. Wouldn`t that be better?
NORVILLE: There is a problem there.
Well, it depends if you`re a fan of Sarah Palin. If you`re not a fan, you might suggest that she go to Japan right now.
PROOPS: She also finished behind Hosni Mubarak and Lindsay Lohan in that poll. Things are not going that well. And cancer, she finished just below that.
BEHAR: Come on.
PROOPS: The sign Cancer.
BEHAR: We don`t like her. I don`t know why we don`t like her.
(CROSSTALK)
PROOPS: I almost think that it`s on purpose.
NORVILLE: There`s few people that adore here.
BEHAR: We, I mean us.
PROOPS: She`s hot in a scary way.
BEHAR: Like we don`t like her. Do you like her, Michael?
FAZIO: You know what? I like her as a personality, but I don`t know did she`s ready to run our country. And I just feel like I probably --
BEHAR: Hello, she`s not ready to run the country.
FAZIO: She would have rated higher if Andy Cohen and she had done a series together instead of "Sarah Palin`s Alaska". It would have been more fun. She would have won -- it almost feels like it`s a conspiracy that the Republican Party has pushed her out there and her ratings are going to drop.
That way the other Republicans can kind of slide in there.
NORVILLE: I`m not sure that the Republican Party is pushing her out there. On the contrary, I think there are many in the Republican Party who would see the presence of Sarah Palin as a serious contender and as a distraction. Because I think there are a lot of people --
FAZIO: Distraction.
NORVILLE: -- who share your opinion that she would not be the winner of a Republican/Democratic contest as president if she were the nominee. And if you want a Republican to have a chance in the next election, the nominee should probably someone other than Sarah Palin.
PROOPS: Why take a pay cut? She`s making the (INAUDIBLE) now, why go down and take a public service job when you can write books and, you know, I love America and what-not.
BEHAR: If she wants to just make the money. That may be the reason she`s losing popularity. Maybe I`ll get to like her again when she`s not running for president.
PROOPS: Like I say, she`s hot in a scary way.
BEHAR: She`s very hot.
PROOPS: You`re with a girl and all of a sudden, she`s got a swastika on you. This is crazy. I didn`t know I was going to be turned on.
BEHAR: She`s gorgeous. Julianne Moore is going to play her in the movie, "Game Change".
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Ok. Thank you guys, very much. And if you`re in New York catch Greg Probst. That`s your real name?
PROOPS: No, it`s Smith. I just wanted it to be more scatological (ph). Thank you Joy.
BEHAR: Anyway, he`s at Caroline`s tonight through Sunday.
We`ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: We all need a kick in our financial butts every once in a while, you know. And who better to kick them than Suze Orman. She`s the host of "The Suze Orman Show" on CNBC and the author of the new book, "The Money Class: Learn to Create Your New American Dream." Welcome to my show.
SUZE ORMAN, AUTHOR: Thanks, Joy.
BEHAR: Darling, what is the new American dream, my dear?
ORMAN: The new American dream is one that you can attain and keep forever. The old American dream, so we should compare it, so to know new and old.
BEHAR: OK.
ORMAN: The old American dream turned into bigger, better, more, more, more.
BEHAR: Plasma screens.
ORMAN: Plasma screens. Three homes, even though you couldn`t afford one.
BEHAR: Three?
ORMAN: Three, you know--
BEHAR: Who has three?
ORMAN: A lot of people do. As soon as people realized that I can buy one house for no money down, that house escalated. They then took money out of that house and bought another house and then they bought another house.
BEHAR: Right.
ORMAN: And everything started to become bigger, bigger, more, more. More cars, more jewelry, more everything. The problem was, is nobody had the money to pay for it. It was financed on mortgages, leases, credit cards. That came tumbling down.
The new American dream for many people now, Joy, really is not to own their own home, it`s to rent. They want to so get out of this home that they`re under water in, they don`t know what to do about it, they want out, they want to be free again, they want to rent. They want to go back to--
BEHAR: Is that a good idea?
ORMAN: I think it`s a great idea.
BEHAR: You like it?
ORMAN: I like that idea.
BEHAR: Even though owning a home usually would give you a lot of security as you got older. You always had your home to live in.
ORMAN: If you could afford the payments. The problem is, you can`t afford a payment if you don`t have a job. We don`t have jobs because we`re not making enough jobs here in the United States. Everybody tells us everything is getting better. I don`t see it.
BEHAR: You know, it`s funny, there was a period there where everybody was buying houses right before the crash. I was thinking, why can`t I -- I work, I have a good salary, I have two jobs. Why can`t I afford to buy that house? The reason I can`t afford to buy that house, is because I don`t want to be in that kind of debt and take all this money to put down, and that`s how my mind worked. A lot of people were buying those houses, didn`t put any money down, and they really couldn`t afford them to carry the mortgage.
ORMAN: That`s right.
BEHAR: So I was the one who was in reality, I think. And I couldn`t get the house. But in the long run I was right.
ORMAN: You were right, and they were so wrong. And then there were those people who did have the money to put down. They were doing everything right. They were putting money in their retirement account, and because of the actions of others, as well as the administration at the time, as well as the SEC, the banks, the mortgage companies, real estate brokers, all of them. They -- the good ones were taken down because when people started to lose their jobs, and things started to go wrong, everybody lost their job. And people who could have afforded a home couldn`t afford it anymore, and then everybody lost. And the new American dream, however, is one of where you sleep at night, you define yourself by who you are versus all these stupid things that you have around you. That you`re happy, you`re secure, and you create things that can never be taken away from you again.
BEHAR: Right. Did we ever have a period like that in America?
ORMAN: We did.
BEHAR: When was it?
ORMAN: `30s, `40s. `50s.
BEHAR: The `50s.
ORMAN: Before credit card companies came out and they said, here, little boy, here little girl, here`s some plastic so you can charge all these things. There was a time in America where if you had to buy it, you had to have cash. You had to have 20 percent down, or you weren`t able to buy a home. There were only six to eight mortgages. There weren`t the adjustable, negative amortization.
BEHAR: See, the co-ops that we have in this country, they require that you have a certain amount down. They check your credentials, your financial credentials, so they never really went down, those prices.
ORMAN: That`s correct. They went down some, but not as much as others.
BEHAR: But not as much, yes.
ORMAN: That`s correct.
BEHAR: How many credit cards should you have?
ORMAN: About two.
BEHAR: Just two?
ORMAN: You should have -- I carry an American Express and a Visa.
BEHAR: That`s what I do, too.
ORMAN: Right. And I carry a Visa simply if somebody doesn`t want to take American Express. Otherwise I love using my American Express. And why? I liked from the beginning the American Express when they had the green card and the gold card. They made it so that you had to pay it off at the end of every month.
BEHAR: Not anymore.
ORMAN: Not anymore. But when it originated--
BEHAR: Yeah. That`s why I did it too.
ORMAN: And that`s why I did it.
BEHAR: It controls you.
ORMAN: That`s right, and I liked that, yes.
BEHAR: And also, well, American Express charges a lot of these companies more than, say, Visa or MasterCard. That`s why--
ORMAN: In the interchange fees, so a lot of companies or a lot of retailers don`t take American Express because of that. But that`s OK, so I have a Visa.
BEHAR: And how much do I hate these banks! If you go to an ATM machine, and you just want to take $100 out, they charge you $2.50 for that.
ORMAN: Yeah.
BEHAR: They`re despicable.
ORMAN: Yeah, you cannot hate them more than I hate them.
BEHAR: Well, I hate them more than you hate them.
ORMAN: You do not! Let`s have a hating contest. I hate them more.
(CROSSTALK)
ORMAN: Seriously, how dare they? No, but it`s true. How dare Citibank, Chase--
BEHAR: They`re despicable.
ORMAN: These banks, how dare they at a time when the consumer needed their help, what did they do? They increased the interest rate on their credit card debt, Citi up to 29.99 percent.
BEHAR: Usury.
ORMAN: They increased the minimum payment due from 2 percent up to 5 percent. The balance transfer fees up to 5 percent. Are you kidding me?
BEHAR: Yeah, yeah, they`re very, very dangerous. So what are two things that people should do to get this new American dream, and two things they should not do.
ORMAN: Two things they need to do are, the most important class I would be taking is this. A class to learn how to stand in your truth. You have to know how much money you have coming in, how much money you have going out. Where are you standing? And from that point on, you have got to do what`s true for you. Not to keep up with so and so, not what -- what is true for you in your particular situation? Once you know what`s true, then the next thing you have to do is you have to live below your means, but within your needs. So it used to be --
BEHAR: Below your means, within your needs.
ORMAN: Yes. So if it`s a need, you have to buy it. But just because you have money, it doesn`t mean that you can afford it. If you -- the reason people got in trouble is they would have a car. Then they got a raise and then they thought, oh, I can get rid of this car and I could get another car because I just made money, I have the money for more payments. Just because you make more doesn`t mean you should spend more.
BEHAR: That`s good.
ORMAN: If you live below your means--
BEHAR: So it`s really not how much you make. It`s how much you spend.
ORMAN: Yes.
BEHAR: That really counts.
ORMAN: Yes. That is true. So those are two of probably the most important things that one could do.
BEHAR: And what about the things you should not do? Just don`t buy those things if you don`t need? If (inaudible)--
ORMAN: What you should not do is, No. 1, you shouldn`t buy real estate just because you think today that real estate prices are down, so, therefore, it`s a good buy.
BEHAR: Really?
ORMAN: One of the biggest mistakes you will make -- let`s just say Tampa, Florida, for instance. Tampa, Florida a few years ago, you bought a house for $750,000. That same house is now worth 150,000. So you think, oh, my God, look at that great deal. It used to be 750, now it`s 150.
BEHAR: So then why not buy it for 150?
ORMAN: Because you don`t care about if it`s 150. Compared to 750. You care about, is it 150, then you want to get it for 130. So you want to compare the price of real estate to what everything is selling around you now, not to what it used to sell three years ago.
BEHAR: OK. So you say you should buy the house at -- if they`re asking 150, only get them down to 130.
ORMAN: But you should only buy it if you have 20 percent down. Besides the 20 percent down, you need an eight-month security emergency fund for yourself. That`s your security. You need to be able to afford a fixed rate mortgage of 15 or 30 years. You need to--
BEHAR: Which is better, 15 or 30?
ORMAN: 15. 15 is always half a percent less, but it`s more money every single month.
BEHAR: And do you believe in carrying a mortgage or paying it off if you can?
ORMAN: If you have cash, I would pay it off like this.
BEHAR: Pay it off.
ORMAN: Yes.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Interesting.
ORMAN: Yeah.
BEHAR: OK, now what about these people out there who have been searching for jobs for over a year? What should they be doing now?
ORMAN: They have to really kind of suck it up. A lot of people are going, I was making $80,000 a year, I`m going to not take a job until I make $80,000 a year again. Wrong. If you can find a job that`s paying you $35,000 or $40,000 a year, just take it, because something is better than nothing.
BEHAR: That`s right.
ORMAN: Because if you continue to do nothing, you`ve gone through your emergency fund, now you`re taking money out of your retirement accounts, and now everything is gone to become the biggest financial nightmare. Take a job. Work your way up. Do it again all over.
BEHAR: All that idle time can cause alcoholism. OK. No, seriously, you start to drink, you get upset. You`re depressed, you need medication. And then -- take the job.
ORMAN: And then you go out there and you spend more money, because you want to go out, you`re bored, you don`t know. Take the job. Take the damn job, thank you very much.
BEHAR: It`s like the house was worth 750, now it`s 150. Your job was 80, now it`s 40.
ORMAN: That`s correct.
BEHAR: Same concept, really.
Now, what about Social Security, now? You say in your book that you think people should retire at 67. Our grandparents or parents retired at 60.
ORMAN: What I`m really saying is don`t think about retiring until at least 67. If you can work until 70, that would be better, even further. Do you know--
BEHAR: How about 80?
ORMAN: If you can work until 80, go for it.
BEHAR: 90?
ORMAN: If you can, go for it.
BEHAR: I`ll raise you 10, 100.
ORMAN: 150, you got it! Right? But here`s the thing, is that you know that if you took Social Security at 62, fine. You`ll get your Social Security--
BEHAR: You got less money, though.
ORMAN: You got less money. But if you waited until you were 67 to retire, you would have 40 percent more money in retirement than if you retired at 62. If you waited until you were 70 to retire, you would have 60 percent more in retirement than if you started at 62, in terms of all the money that you have.
BEHAR: But you should check your life expectancy too, shouldn`t you? I mean, if you feel like you`re not going to make it to 70, I mean, really, then you should take it early.
ORMAN: Obviously if you have an illness, you should do whatever it takes.
BEHAR: Right.
ORMAN: But more people are going to spend more time in retirement than they ever did, right, working. You know that when they -- you`re going to love this one. When they first created Social Security in the `30s, take Social Security at 65. People didn`t live until 65. The average life expectancy was 62. Those suckers never thought you were going to live until 65.
BEHAR: And that they were going to have to pay it.
ORMAN: That is correct.
BEHAR: Well, they -- so what -- do you -- just before we go to the next segment, do you think that they should privatize? The Republicans want to privatize Social Security. Look what happened in the crash, we would have lost everything.
ORMAN: No, I don`t think that we should privatize Social Security. People do not know how to invest their money. They`re scared to death of their money, and the people that need it most won`t know what to do, so can we just forget this privatization, it is the worst ...
BEHAR: Right.
ORMAN: The worst idea I`ve ever heard.
BEHAR: Just forget it. OK. We`re just getting started with you, we have a lot more to talk about with Suze Orman. When we come back, she`ll answer some of your questions. So don`t go away.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ORMAN: When you know you don`t have the money to go out to eat, don`t go out to eat. Stay at home. If you know that you don`t have the ability to cosign a loan for somebody because of they can`t pay for it, you`re not going to be able to pay for it, just so "No."
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: I`m back with Suze Orman, her new book is "The Money Class: Learn To Create Your New American Dream." And we`re taking your calls and Facebook questions now. OK, let`s start. First of all, before we take a call, I love the survey that I read, almost half of American millionaires say $7 million is not enough to be rich.
ORMAN: That is correct.
BEHAR: How do you respond to that?
ORMAN: I agree with it.
BEHAR: Really?
ORMAN: Yes. And I will tell you why.
BEHAR: Why?
ORMAN: If you have $7 million, let`s just say you happen to have that in cash, and now you want to invest it, and let`s just say even if you invested it in a five percent municipal bond, five percent of $7 million is what, $350,000 a year? They are used to living on 1, 2, 3 million dollars a year. $350,000 a year isn`t going to make it for them.
BEHAR: Well, you know what -- Maybe these American millionaires need to get the new American dream?
ORMAN: Maybe they do. But that`s why they`re saying that.
BEHAR: Ah-ha.
ORMAN: You know, because interest rates are so low right now, there`s no place to really generate money on your money. And who this really affects ...
BEHAR: But they can live on $7 million for 25 years?
ORMAN: Not if they are spending 3 million a year.
BEHAR: But they need to take the Suze Orman test.
(CROSSTALK)
ORMAN: They do. They need to be denied.
BEHAR: Denied. OK. Let`s talk to Donna from New Jersey who`s on the phone. What`s your question, Donna?
DONNA, NEW JERSEY: Hi, Suze, Hi, Joy.
BEHAR: Hi.
DONNA: I`m one of the Americans that is currently unemployed. I have been unemployed since 2009. I have done some freelance and part-time types of gigs but nothing full-time, I`m looking for that right now. My concern is that I`m starting to run out of my money, out of my savings, and thinking about either hitting my 401K or my pension that I have ...
ORMAN: OK, let me just stop you right there, and let me tell you why you don`t want to do either of those, especially your 401K. Girlfriend, 401K`s are protected against bankruptcy. If you really can`t find a job, you don`t know what to do, and you take money from your 401K plan that`s just going to put a band aid on this problem and is going to postpone you having to find work, forcing you need to go out there and do whatever it is you can.
BEHAR: So, what should she do?
ORMAN: So she needs to not touch her 401K plan ...
BEHAR: Yes.
ORMAN: Because that is money she`s going to need later on. Honest to God, if she touches it now, if you do touch it now, you`re going to have a 10 percent penalty. You`re going to have to pay ordinary income tax. Donna, please, don`t do that. What you should be doing is this. You need to, for whatever reason, you said you have part-time work, you do this. It feels like your safety blanket has been your emergency fund, so you haven`t gone out there and forced yourself to take anything and everything to make it, correct?
DONNA: I`ve been out, actually I mean I`ve just been having a hard time in my business finding work. I mean, I am aware of the fact that I`m probably going to have to take a cut in my salary, what I was used to making. I made a nice salary, you know, at the job that I ...
ORMAN: I believe you. But here`s the solution to your problem. Be a warrior and don`t turn your back on the battlefield. You used to make a nice salary, go out there and just make a salary. Stop using your savings and all these other things as a stopgap measure, because when they`re gone you will be in serious trouble. You got that?
DONNA: OK.
ORMAN: Got that.
BEHAR: OK, Donna, thank you very much. Let me read a question from Facebook. "I work as a nanny and I have credit card debt, but really want to buy the new iPad 2, which is about $800 with extras. Should I buy it?"
ORMAN: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Let me iPad this to you. You are so denied, you have credit card debt. You are a nanny. What are you thinking, like you think that the iPad is going to be really that valuable to you? You want money what -- you want money to pay off your credit card debt, you want money for an emergency fund, you want to live the new American dream. Do you want to continue to get into credit card debt? That is the old American dream. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than that.
BEHAR: So no iPad 2?
ORMAN: No iPad.
BEHAR: No, no, no.
ORMAN: No way.
BEHAR: OK, let`s hear from Francie in Kansas city. What`s your question?
FRANCY: Hi there.
ORMAN: Hi.
FRANCIE: I have a five-year old. And the current topic of choice on the playground right now is 529 ...
ORMAN: Yes.
FRANCIE: And when should we be saving -- how much should we be saving, should I be -- you know, investing in the 529?
ORMAN: So, here is my question for you -- for everybody watching tonight, a 529 plan is a college savings program where parents, grandparents could put money in, they do not pay taxes on the money when they take it out, in order to send your child to school.
BEHAR: Nobody pays taxes on it?
ORMAN: No.
BEHAR: Never? Ever?
ORMAN: No, never.
BEHAR: Wow!
ORMAN: Wow!
BEHAR: Wait a minute -- so -- so, I just have a new grandson.
ORMAN: Yes, so you should be doing a 529.
BEHAR: I should be doing a 529. How much do you have to put into that?
ORMAN: You can put as little as you want, or you could put a whole lot into that.
BEHAR: But -- but like you figure, the kid will be going in college in 18 years, or 17 years.
ORMAN: So, then we go on a calculator, we figure out how much you can put in one lump sum now, or you can put it in little by little every single month.
BEHAR: How come the government is letting us get away with this?
ORMAN: This has been around for a long time. This is a way that people fund their college education.
BEHAR: Well, that`s the least they can do.
ORMAN: Yeah, and -- and ...
BEHAR: It`s going to cost $1 million to go to Harvard in 20 years.
ORMAN: I know, we have to really wonder if it`s worth it.
BEHAR: And I know my grandson will get in.
ORMAN: No doubt. Maybe if you`re nice to me, I`ll write him a recommendation.
BEHAR: OK. All right.
(CROSSTALK)
ORMAN: Maybe Suze Orman will give us some money. But anyway -- here`s the thing. Do you have credit card debt?
FRANCIE: No.
BEHAR: Do you have an eight month emergency fund?
FRANCIE: Six months.
BEHAR: Six months? You need eight months. You know what I tell you all. Have you been funding your retirement accounts to the max? That`s a no. Did you hear the breath -- It`s like your wheezing on me, right? No. You don`t. And you`re talking to me about funding your child`s college education. No, you don`t have the money. Have a conversation with your kid, tell the kid to get good -- great grades, get scholarships, but you don`t have the money to do so.
FRANCIE: OK. Thank you. We`ll have more with Suze in just a minute. Don`t go anywhere.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I was late for a charity event I was hosting. So I quickly got dressed, ran down to the lake, hopped on my covered jet ski that turns into a motorcycle and scooted on down to the Tampax Pearl Women`s Business expo. It was a magical evening raising a lot of money for women, for good ladies who have small businesses and big periods.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: She`s just right a -- spot on. Take was SNL`s take on my guest Suze Orman, and she`s answering your questions. So, let`s go. The next caller is Sarah from New Jersey. Sarah.
SARAH: Hi, thank you for taking my call.
BEHAR: OK
SARAH: Suze, I need help with investing. I -- other than my retirement accounts and my son`s college fund, I don`t know where to begin. I have money just sitting in a standard savings account that`s collecting almost no interest. And I don`t know what to do with this money.
ORMAN: Do you own a home?
SARAH: I do.
ORMAN: Do you have a mortgage on the home?
SARAH: I do.
ORMAN: At what interest rate?
SARAH: Five percent.
ORMAN: And is this a home that you`re going to keep for the rest of your life?
SARAH: For the next ten or 15 years probably.
ORMAN: And -- and this -- and how old are you?
SARAH: I`m 39.
ORMAN: 39? Here`s what I would be doing at 39. Because you`re going to keep it for ten or 15 more years, it`s possible you could keep it even longer than that. Why don`t you just use this extra money and pay down the mortgage of that home? That is a guaranteed five percent return on your money. It doesn`t matter if the market goes up, it doesn`t matter if the market goes down. And your -- your biggest expense in retirement happens to be what? The mortgage on your home. So if I had extra money and I didn`t know what to do with it, which means I`m not comfortable in investing it, pay off the mortgage on your home. It`s just that simple.
BEHAR: OK. Thank you for calling. Now, here`s the Facebook question. "I bought my house for $325,000, it`s now worth $195,000. Should I sell it?"
ORMAN: No, no, listen to me (inaudible). That`s me imitating Kristen Wiig imitating me. But that`s beside the point.
BEHAR: OK, this is so post-modern.
ORMAN: I`m telling -- this is what I say. Yes, you should -- you should sell it. The chances of that house ever coming back to 325 are nil -- in -- nil.
BEHAR: Take the hit?
ORMAN: So take the hit right now. And the reason you want to take the hit right now is this. December 31st of 2012 if you -- after that date if you do a short sale, which means you owe -- you owe, let`s just say you owed $300,000 on this home and all you can get is $200,000 in a short sale, you will owe income tax on that $100,000 difference. Prior to that, if it`s your primary residency, you do not owe income tax on the difference between the two numbers that you just read to me. So, therefore, if you`re going to do it, do it now.
BEHAR: OK, that`s very interesting. Get rid of it if you can.
ORMAN: Otherwise the difference -- everybody thinks that it`s not a big deal, do a short sale. I owe 200,000 whatever. It`s a big deal after December 31st, 2012.
BEHAR: OK, we don`t have any time left. But you know, do we have time for one more caller?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: No.
BEHAR: No, we don`t. I`m sorry out there.
ORMAN: No problem.
BEHAR: I was terrific, though. You`re so good. But what makes you really mad these days? What thing is making you really mad?
ORMAN: What really makes me mad is when I see what the banks are doing to people ...
BEHAR: Right.
ORMAN: ... what financial advisors tell people that help every day good, ordinary people are really getting ripped off right and left with insurance policies, with this and that and they`re wasting money and they don`t have the money to waste. That really makes me mad.
BEHAR: OK, what about those people like remember, when they`d knock on your door you just won $100,000. It`s a bunch of baloney, right?
ORMAN: Yeah, most of them. But every once in a while it`s true. So you might as well try to cash the check. Who cares if it bounces. It might just cash.
BEHAR: OK. All right. Any way. Thank you so much. Her book is called "The Money Class." Thanks for watching. Good night, everybody.
END
