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Joy Behar Page
Chris Brown Sorry, Again; The Neurotic Richard Lewis
Aired March 25, 2011 - 22:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, Chris Brown apologizes again, this time for his "Good Morning America" freak out. So should America accept yet another half-hearted mea culpa from the troubled pop star?
And actress Elizabeth Berkeley grew up in front of millions on "Saved by the Bell". She`ll tell Joy how that experience makes her a unique candidate to help today`s teen girls with body image and self esteem issues.
Plus, the always neurotic man in black, Joy`s pal Richard Lewis is here.
That and more starting right now.
JOY BEHAR, HLN HOST: Chris Brown has now apologized, sort of, for storming off the set at "Good Morning America" and then tearing off his shirt and allegedly throwing a chair through a window.
Here to talk about Chris Brown and all the news of the day are "Newsweek" and "Daily Beast" senior correspondent Rebecca Dana; comedian Alonzo Bodden, and "Village Voice" columnist and blogger of dailymusto.com, Michael Musto.
Ok, guys, let`s watch Chris Brown`s sort of apology on the BET program "106th and Park". Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CHRIS BROWN, SINGER: I want to apologize to anybody who was startled in the office, anybody who was offended or already looked disappointed in my actions, because I was disappointed in the way I acted. I felt like it was like -- they told this is just they can get us on the show to exploit me.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: I love that the music is behind him while he is apologizing. Wouldn`t you love to have that? A boom box following you?
REBECCA DANA, "DAILY BEAST": Everyone who is serious about an apology issues it from the set of "106th and Park".
BEHAR: Well, that is his terrain. But I mean is that an apology? It`s really an excuse. He says, ok, they told us this just so they can get us on the show so they can exploit me. That`s not an apology.
ALONZO BODDEN, COMEDIAN: So he`s the victim.
BEHAR: He`s the victim.
BODDEN: Well, it`s a good spin. It`s a good, you know, a good try to spin. And you do it on "106th and Park" because they`re going to friendly to you, right. They`re not going to attack you for saying it.
BEHAR: Why? Why would they be friendly to him than it was on any place at all?
BODDEN: That`s his fan base. He`s got more fans -- I`m sure he has more fans at BET than he does at "Good Morning America", you know.
BEHAR: Do you think that they approved of him, his behavior towards Rihanna? I don`t think so.
BODDEN: No, I don`t think they approve of it. But I think it`s a matter of, you know -- it`s been this much time. And him claiming he was set up -- the whole thing seems like a set-up to me, like a giant publicity stunt.
BEHAR: I agree with you. I think so too.
MICHAEL MUSTO, COLUMNIST, "VILLAGE PEOPLE": At least he`s only hitting objects now, which is good. But look, it is annoying, Joy, when an interview goes in the way you didn`t think it was going to go.
Like right now, I thought you would be talking about my book, not Chris Brown. But you have to have reps that help you and prep you and you tell you how to deal with this kind of thing.
BEHAR: Yes.
DANA: Chris Brown seems to not understand what an interview is when you go on television with a journalist. Not that "Good Morning America" is the most journalistically sound institution in all of America. But it`s not purely a promotional opportunity. Journalists will ask you questions and sometimes if you have beaten up your girlfriend, they`ll ask you unpleasant questions about that.
BEHAR: Right but he feels like they should move on from that.
BODDEN: Well, if he was an athlete they would have moved on. You know, it`s a matter --
BEHAR: Really? Why do you say that?
BODDEN: Because athletes get -- this crazy behavior happens all the time, and people don`t bring it back up later. You know, it`s kind of like -- they just gloss over it, as that`s something that happened, you know, like nobody is asking Michael Vick about dogs anymore. They ask Michael Vick about --
DANA: I don`t think that`s true.
BODDEN: -- what`s it like to be MVP and to be the best -- you know, to have made a comeback from it. And nobody jammed him up and said hey, but you are still a bad guy for doing this.
DANA: I mean, if you look at Ben Roethlisberger, a lot of these athletes, the problems they have had with women in the past dog them for a long time.
BEHAR: I don`t know, Michael Vick, I mean I don`t like him because of what he did to those dogs. I don`t.
MUSTO: I would be terrified with Michael Vick. I`d ask whatever you want. Tell me about your new album, Michael. I`m not going to ask about the dogs.
BEHAR: That`s why Robin Roberts was being very brave by saying to somebody, you know, this question, I think. And also, you know what; he knew the question was coming, according to GMA. They said he knew he was getting that question.
BODDEN: Well, I think he knew it. I think -- again, the whole thing was set up, and really -- and, you know what he did, he ruined the endorsement of his anger management place. I mean, I`m sure on their Web site, it said Chris Brown was here and now they have to take that down.
DANA: Well, I mean, you know -- he didn`t punch Robin Roberts in the face, so maybe that is an endorsement.
BODDEN: Well, there were cameras on.
(CROSSTALK)
You never work --
BEHAR: To the publicity stunt point, earlier this month, he accidentally leaks photos of his penis. What about that? Accidentally on purpose, maybe.
BODDEN: Once again, you have the sports connection. You know, Brett Favre did it. And Chris wanted to show how much bigger his was.
BEHAR: I know, but he`s not a sports guy. He`s a singer. What the heck?
MUSTO: I didn`t get that text. That`s the one penis I haven`t seen.
BEHAR: How many have you seen, Michael?
MUSTO: I`ve seen Madonna`s balls and they`re quite formidable.
(CROSSTALK)
MUSTO: I don`t believe this is a publicity stunt, I`m sorry. I don`t believe Chris has a filter. I think things just happen. I don`t believe this is part of a plan, even though he wears glasses and looks so smart. I really don`t think he is.
BEHAR: You think he looks so smart? Why do you say he looks smart?
MUSTO: No, I`m just saying the glasses are supposed to. That`s another --
BEHAR: You have glasses, you don`t look that smart.
MUSTO: That`s what I`m saying, it doesn`t work.
BEHAR: But I`m telling you, they`re all rewarded for their bad behavior. Charlie Sheen making more millions than ever. Maybe I should throw a waffle iron at Kathie Lee Gifford.
BODDEN: Right now, Joy, I`ll take one. I`ll take one.
BEHAR: Ok, maybe. Ok now, who will replace Charlie Sheen in "Two- and-a-Half Men"; I just brought up his name. A lot of people believe that it could be Jeremy Piven. What do you think? Is that a stupid idea, Rebecca, or a smart idea?
DANA: I think just find a white guy and put him on the show. Like -- Michael would be great. Or maybe some powder and you would be great.
BODDEN: A stretch.
DANA: It does not seem like an enormous -- it does not seem like an enormous task. I know that Charlie Sheen is a very gifted actor. But it`s not a challenging role, I don`t think. I think just -- like I could play, it really?
BEHAR: Really?
DANA: And I`m like the worst actor in the world.
BEHAR: Well, what exactly does Jeremy Piven have in common with him as an actor? Does Jeremy Piven have mercury poisoning, for example? Remember that, Michael?
MUSTO: He`s addicted to tuna fish, so they share an addiction. I`m kidding, Jeremy, don`t sue. No, I think Joy, obviously it should be a sheen taking the role. Martin Sheen although that would be too much like when Joan Crawford took her daughter`s part in the soap opera. Remember "Mommy Dearest".
BEHAR: That`s history. Google it.
MUSTO: But I don`t know, maybe the brother, Emilio Estevez, he looks like Charlie, he talks like Charlie, he`s coherent, he will show up. He doesn`t have hookers in the bathroom.
BODDEN: For one thing, the kid is getting too old, where it`s getting awkward where it`s not "Two-and-a-Half Men", it`s three weird roommates. And if you watch that show, it`s kind of the same show every episode. Like Charlie has the young hot girl, his brother has the awkward hot date.
Just keep showing the show, they won`t know that Charlie is not there anymore. Just keep rerunning them, and we are like is that a new episode? I think so. Maybe Photoshop or doing something to change the color of his shorts and you think it`s a new episode.
BEHAR: Well, you know, let me ask you something. People are paying millions all over the place he`s going to make on his stage show. He`s doing 70-minute stand-up show. Are you a little jealous?
BODDEN: I went the wrong way. I went the wrong way. I tried addiction long before it was popular. And --
BEHAR: What were you addicted to?
BODDEN: -- and, you know, the whole thing? Oh, I went to rehab back in the `80s.
BEHAR: You did?
BODDEN: Yes -- there was nothing in it. You actually went to get off drugs. What an idiot. The dumbest thing I ever did.
BEHAR: What kind of drugs were you on?
BODDEN: You name them. I took them all, yes.
(CROSSTALK)
BODDEN: I went through it. But, you know, it`s the spectacle. I mean, John Wayne Bobbitt (ph) did a stand-up tour, you know, after his whole thing, and what a train wreck that was.
BEHAR: Did you see it? You actually went to that show?
BODDEN: No, I went to clubs after John Wayne Bobbitt had been there, and they were like can you clean this up, please. Can you do anything better than what he did? And you talk about the ultimate sacrifice for an act, with all due respect for Charlie Sheen, I think John Wayne Bobbitt, went a bit farther to get on state.
MUSTO: The opening for John Bobbitt was his penis.
BEHAR: But did you ever know this about John Wayne Bobbitt, and that all think and that whole thing where she snipped off his penis, that there were no copy cats after that. Like no women came out of the closet and attacked their men.
DANA: None that you know of.
BEHAR: No, I don`t think there was.
MUSTO: There was Ivana Trump. But it didn`t make the news. It wasn`t quite so big.
Joy, I called for comp tickets for press review for the Charlie Sheen tour and they said there aren`t going to be media tickets. And I can understand that. This isn`t "Driving Miss Daisy" or something where you want it reviewed. Unless Miss Daisy is a whore that you`re driving to a booze emporium. I don`t know. And also Charlie needs the money.
BEHAR: Yes, he does now.
BODDEN: Maybe somehow in the midst of the show Chris Brown can attack Charlie.
BEHAR: That would be good.
BODDEN: Just run out there --
BEHAR: Or maybe Naomi Campbell could come on and --
MUSTO: With a cell phone.
BEHAR: Here`s this other story about, you know, there was an app on iPad. I have an iPad. Do you have an iPad?
DANA: I do.
BEHAR: Do you have one?
BODDEN: Absolutely.
BEHAR: Do you have one, Michael?
MUSTO: I have a maxi pad. I don`t even know what an iPad is, but keep going.
BEHAR: Yes, you do. What are you wearing --
MUSTO: I`m old school.
BEHAR: You really are. Yes, how old are you, anyway? But the iPad has apps, ok, Michael? Even I know that and I`m an idiot. Anyway there was an app for -- to convert to heterosexuality, in case you`re getting gay feeling. You know, you started to just -- start to dress better, for example --
BODDEN: You`re looking at me while you say that Joy. You`re making me nervous.
BEHAR: No, no, no. I mean you dress so well, I like the way you dress today.
But like, in case you felt you had gay feelings, you could go on this app and it would fix you with that into a hetero. What do you think about that? They`ve now taken it off.
BODDEN: Well I think that if you look, you know -- the people who do this, like usually in this anti-gay campaign --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
BODDEN: -- if you look to who designed the app, but somebody is gay, somebody is involved. There is always at these organizations, there`s a guy at the top who is like, incredibly gay. And -- and if you look at who designed this app --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Incredibly gay.
BODDEN: -- or who runs this company, oh, yes, a whole another level of gay.
BEHAR: Yes.
BODDEN: There`s a gay guy involved.
MUSTO: Why are you looking at me?
BEHAR: He`s not looking at you yet.
BODDEN: I wasn`t looking at you and hopefully you weren`t looking at me. I don`t know what -- I`m kidding.
BEHAR: Oh-oh.
BODDEN: I`m kidding.
BEHAR: Ok and so you think that somebody --
BODDEN: So I think somebody gay was involved in this anti gay movement. That`s usually how it works.
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: That`s interesting. But they`ve taken it down. Michael, do you have a last word?
MICHAEL: Ricky Martin tried the app and he wants his money back.
BEHAR: Ok, thank you guys, very much.
And you can pick up Alonzo`s show time special, "Who is Paying Attention?" out now on DVD. We`ll be back in a minute.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Richard Lewis works with Larry David on "Curb Your Enthusiasm", and Charlie Sheen, believe it or not on "Two and a Half Men". And you wonder why he`s in therapy 11 days a week.
Joining me fresh from a double session on his (INAUDIBLE) couch, my pal, Richard Lewis.
RICHARD LEWIS, COMEDIAN: By the way, I don`t even know about that introduction.
BEHAR: I didn`t even realize that you were in "Two and a Half Men."
LEWIS: I did a scene for my friend Chuck Lorre about five years ago. In the count and it was fun.
But let me just say something short term memory loss blows, doesn`t it?
BEHAR: Yes, yes. Well, don`t ask me. I don`t have it.
LEWIS: You called -- no, you called me in the green room, Jack Lemon, Brock Peters.
BEHAR: Brock Peters?
LEWIS: You called me Brock Peters. He was in porn that Rod Steiger (ph) got nominated for an Oscar.
BEHAR: I was commenting during the break at how soft your hands are like, almost like a woman`s hand.
LEWIS: I love women.
BEHAR: Your hands --
LEWIS: I`m not gay, but I have my -- I love the woman side of me.
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: What`s wrong with that?
BEHAR: Nothing.
LEWIS: There`s plenty wrong with it, believe me.
BEHAR: No, I would think that you never --
(CROSS TALK)
LEWIS: Don`t get me into marriage.
BEHAR: -- you never did a dish in your life.
LEWIS: No, I`ve cleaned dishes. I -- but I never changed a tire or put -- filled in a gas tank and not for any kind of diva. I have such self-depreciation in my life.
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: But I`m afraid -- I`m afraid -- Hank`s laugh, you can hear Hank -- even during World War 2, we`re killing everybody. Ha-ha-ha. Shut up, Hank, I almost killed him when it went off, moron.
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Yes so try to stay on topic a little bit, yes.
LEWIS: No, I haven`t stayed on topic, ever. If you -- when you`re born and you mother paints bars on a vagina to see if you can break out you don`t feel good about yourself, ok?
BEHAR: Is she gone, your mother from this earth?
LEWIS: That`s a nice way of saying it.
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Is she gone?
LEWIS: And you came back with sort of a Scientology phrase.
BEHAR: Oh really they say that?
LEWIS: I don`t have a clue, it`s a joke, and it`s religion. So far be it for me, I`m an agnostic, Jew, spiritual cat.
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: This sound like -- the moment.
BEHAR: You know a lot of -- a lot --
(CROSS TALK)
LEWIS: Now, what was the question? I didn`t, ok. I didn`t -- I`ve never put gas in a car, because I`m afraid that I`ll spill, because I have -- I obsess --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: -- that someone will light a match and kill their family. So I --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Really?
LEWIS: -- and I don`t do it for that reason.
BEHAR: That`s -- that`s not a common fantasy but it`s an interesting fantasy that you have that maybe you could kill your entire family that way. It`s interesting.
LEWIS: You know what I did? Let`s -- you asked me -- the other things -- is disappointments --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: Here`s what I -- I want to talk about the fact --
LEWIS: Why? What, because it`s your show? Big freaking deal?
BEHAR: I don`t care, you want to not talk about it.
LEWIS: I`ve known you for 25 years. Why should I have to talk with - -
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: I mean, I was thinking about you --
(CROSS TALK)
LEWIS: Can I just get down to the light? Your earrings -- really it looks like it`s Jane -- really, it looks like Jane Meadows -- who is Steve Allen`s wife?
BEHAR: Jane Meadows, yes.
LEWIS: Jane Meadows.
BEHAR: Yes, Jane Meadows.
BEHAR: I played poker there, that a little larger but it was a chandelier covered the entire table.
BEHAR: You know, people who are in therapy take years before they reach the point where they can free associate the way you do. Constantly, seriously.
LEWIS: Really?
BEHAR: Yes. It takes year and thousands and thousands of dollars.
LEWIS: Really I`m gifted -- and it makes me laugh because you`re so funny. But I`m not -- it went over my head I`m a fairly hip cat.
BEHAR: But -- but in analysis, the whole goal of analysis is to free associate.
LEWIS: So one shrink told you that and you bought it?
BEHAR: Yes, one shrink, Sigmund Freud, ok? You know, the -- the thing about your relationship with Larry David --
LEWIS: Let me ask you a question were there are two giraffes and two zebras or just two zebras and no giraffes?
BEHAR: Where?
LEWIS: The arc, what are the -- what did rabbi tell you? Oh, you`re not Jewish.
BEHAR: I`m not Jewish, no.
LEWIS: You look so Jewish and Italian it`s unbearable.
BEHAR: We`re the same, we`re all the same and we`re all God`s children.
Now, you know, Charlie Sheen is going to be doing stand-up.
LEWIS: Charlie who?
BEHAR: Charlie Sheen.
LEWIS: I haven`t seen him around.
BEHAR: He`s making so much money on his craziness. Are you jealous of that? You should be a little jealous.
LEWIS: That`s fine.
BEHAR: But listen --
(CROSS TALK)
LEWIS: Now I`m sad about it.
BEHAR: -- the guy is doing stand-up. And he`s doing 70 or 80 minutes --
LEWIS: I heard about, yes.
BEHAR: -- of rambling.
LEWIS: Yes.
BEHAR: So what do you think about that?
LEWIS: I`ll tell you one thing and it`s sort of sad. Two words. Box office, I`m very jealous.
BEHAR: He`s going to pull them in for a while. But don`t you think that after like 20 minutes of that --
LEWIS: No, I know Charlie Sheen and his family and Martin Sheen is a friend of mine. And he`s -- I don`t -- I don`t socialize with him.
Look, you know what? You do whatever you want in life. That`s the libertarian -- that`s not the whole part of it, I`m not a libertarian not by all of it, some of it.
If he wants to live with two -- two women and not see his children. If that -- if that`s proper for him, and he doesn`t feel there`s consequences, one day he might say ten years from now, and have a talk with his 13 or 14-year-old twins, you know, I really let you down.
BEHAR: Uh-huh.
LEWIS: If he -- if he lives. I don`t know -- I never used to drink with him, but clearly, you know --
BEHAR: What type of drugs does he like? He likes cocaine. What else?
LEWIS: What do I care? You know -- you know, here -- there`s a thing. When you help -- I help addicts every day. I`ve been sober almost 17 years. Not to make it --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: But no applause for that?
LEWIS: No I don`t applaud --
BEHAR: They always applaud when someone says something like. It`s like the equivalent of the old days of Merv Griffin when they say we`ve been married for 25 years, everybody has to clap. Like it`s such a big deal that you`ve been married.
LEWIS: You know there`s a friend of ours -- we have a mutual friend, and he`s a brilliant Italian comic Jimmy Labriola he started --
(CROSS TALK)
BEHAR: I know Jimmy, yes.
LEWIS: He`s very funny. Do we have to go?
BEHAR: Well, we`re going to come back with another segment.
LEWIS: All right, but I -- can I do this in 20 seconds?
BEHAR: Sure.
LEWIS: If you`re -- if you`re -- I -- I go to doctors, I`ve tried AA, I have different ways.
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: There is no -- whatever works. Like a smorgasbord.
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: You -- I have a lot of friends, they smoke, they drink wine. I -- I even buy wine for the table. I don`t crave it, because I can`t drink anymore. I`m done.
BEHAR: You don`t crave it, though.
LEWIS: Not at all, I haven`t ever.
BEHAR: Good for you.
LEWIS: Thanks very much. He said and he`ll go to a meeting, and I`m like, hi, I`m Jimmy, I`m an alcoholic. And then he`ll say this morning I cut -- I cut my wife with a razor blade and then some guy was flirting with him, I knifed him in the arm. The story goes on forever.
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: And then the group says, did you drink today, Jimmy? And he says, no. And they go, "Winner. You`re a winner."
The point is, I know a lot of sober people that are jerk-offs and I know a lot of people that drink, but if it starts to take over, and I know a lot of people who are sober who are the nicest people I`ve ever met in my life.
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: So you have -- it really comes from --
BEHAR: It`s relative.
LEWIS: It`s all relative.
BEHAR: Ok. We`ll be back with more with Richard Lewis in just a minute.
LEWIS: Winner. Winner.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with Richard Lewis.
LEWIS: People are asking -- I don`t look like a nut case from mars, right?
BEHAR: No, but you always wear black.
LEWIS: I have my whole life. Black diapers.
BEHAR: Really?
LEWIS: Yes.
BEHAR: That`s a question we have here from somebody.
LEWIS: It`s black -- I don`t care about that.
BEHAR: Twitter questions for you. One of them is --
LEWIS: Can I finish a sentence?
BEHAR: Sure.
LEWIS: And by the way, last time I was on, I thought it was a good appearance, whatever that means. 41 years -- you know what? They`ll go online, you stink, you`re a Jew this -- if anyone has time to do that --
BEHAR: And that`s only your relatives.
LEWIS: What are you, Mrs. Bob Hope? I tell you, that was on a good day, huh?
BEHAR: Let me ask you, Richard, some other Twitter questions.
LEWIS: Can`t wait.
BEHAR: What do you think happens when or if you die? That`s a good one.
LEWIS: Not much. Not much.
BEHAR: Do you believe in an afterlife?
LEWIS: I would like to believe in reincarnation, but I need to step on a grasshopper and have them say, "It`s me, Irving Halpern."
BEHAR: So you don`t believe in it.
LEWIS: No, until I hear -- I stepped -- I crushed a friend, I -- it`s an animal, you know? Or it could be a leaf. I want someone to go, hey, I`m on the maple, you dated me in sixth grade, but I knew I wasn`t going to have intercourse.
BEHAR: So what do you think happens after you die?
LEWIS: Well, I`m not going to be cremated. That freaks me out. So that`s a clue to me I feel that something can happen, because I don`t want to show up at a bar with Lenny and -- Jonathan Winters is a good friends of mine. He`s 85, and by that time, who knows, we`ll be up there together and hanging out with Phil and all the old timers and anybody. And then they are drinking and I`m dust. I`ll kill myself, again.
BEHAR: Yes. Does it make you feel old when you find out, you know, like Elizabeth Taylor died yesterday. Sad.
LEWIS: How many stars are left that really aren`t like that? This woman has -- first of all, to me, unbelievably under rated.
BEHAR: As an actress?
LEWIS: Actress. My God. Her beauty was way good. "Virginia Woolf", insanely played -- she was in here early 40s, she played like late 50s even. She`s great. A really moving obsession of the Golden Eye. She was a great actress in some films.
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: And beautiful.
And she was so generous. And back in the old days, Howard Hughes, who invented probably a lot of the films, you`ll see James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, and now I say this with respect, because they`re talented and it`s great. So the name is funny.
BEHAR: Yes.
LEWIS: So you see Jimmy Dean, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Marlon Brando, Carrot Top -- wait a minute. What the hell is that?
BEHAR: Carrot top is just a comic.
LEWIS: I know, but I`m just saying he`s -- and a great comic. I haven`t seen him but people love him. He`s talented. I`m just saying, to me, old Hollywood is old Hollywood and you`ve got to really pay your dues to make that.
BEHAR: Well, it`s never going to come back. You`re never going to see Katherine Hepburn and Betty Davis in that level anymore. It`s a whole different world.
LEWIS: I don`t know. But you think it`s (INAUDIBLE) in my life.
BEHAR: The only American actress --
LEWIS: Larry David.
BEHAR: No, the actresses are, you know, Meryl Streep, Jessica Lange, those are great actresses.
LEWIS: She`s -- they`re there. They are there.
BEHAR: They are there. So anyway, if you`re in New York, catch Richard Lewis at Caroline`s. Tonight through Sunday --
LEWIS: You`re brushing me off, aren`t you?
BEHAR: I have run out of time.
LEWIS: You know, I`m doing my (INAUDIBLE).
LEWIS: And check him out on his eighth season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm".
LEWIS: Thank you, Larry.
BEHAR: Come on my show, Larry.
LEWIS: He hasn`t come to your show.
BEHAR: Came once.
LEWIS: Stop it.
BEHAR: Another one.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Elizabeth Berkley is perhaps best known for playing headstrong, straight-A student, Jessie Spano on the very popular sitcom "Saved by the Bell". Look at this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So that`s what this is all about? You`re jealous. Come on. I was just helping a teammate.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, yes? When was the last time you held Rodriguez like that?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Why would I want a girl like Christy when I can have a nut cake like you?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Don`t try flattering me, it won`t get you anywhere.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Works for me every time. Now she`s all grown up and is offering advice to the next generation of girls with a new teen book "Ask Elizabeth". With me now is the lovely Miss Elizabeth Berkley.
By the way, that hair is pre-keratin days. The Brazilian blow-out.
ELIZABETH BERKLEY, AUTHOR, "ASK ELIZABETH": That has its own personality. And that basically -- I will tell you a little girly secret - - that took about a can of shaper hair spray, per show. I would flip it over.
BEHAR: So your natural hair is this?
BERKLEY: It`s curly. But I`m saying to get the voluminous, you know, poof that was my trademark.
BEHAR: I love it.
BERKLEY: Yes.
BEHAR: It was cute, actually. It was very cute.
BERKLEY: Thank you. Thank you. And the clothing is fabulous.
BEHAR: Oh, yes.
BERKLEY: I really miss that clothing.
BEHAR: `89 to `93; you look back and you say what was I thinking?
BERKLEY: Oh, my gosh. And they put me in like cavaricci (ph) poufy pants. It was awful. Yes.
BEHAR: Now, in the show, was there any hanky-panky behind the scenes when that show was going on?
BERKLEY: Everyone likes to know this.
BEHAR: Everyone wants to know.
(CROSSTALK)
BERKLEY: I will tell you, we, you know, it`s interesting because unlike a lot of other shows where there are teens, we really were 15 to -- you know, we worked together from the age of 15 to let`s say 19. So we were going through our adolescence together.
Of course we loved flirting with one another, but it was also like brothers and sisters, too. So our parents were there. We were minors. It`s not like we were 25 playing 15. So it was very innocent.
BEHAR: You really were. It`s not like "Grease" where they look like they`re in college and they`re supposed to be 15, but they look like they`re 35.
BERKLEY: Right. Right. We really -- I mean the funniest thing when we shot the show, like, you know, I was definitely the tallest, which was an awkward feeling at that time. The boys kind of came up to me. But there was one summer that we had a break. We had a hiatus. Then we came back and suddenly the boys` voices were deeper. They were -- suddenly they had shot up. And it was real. So they just put it in the script.
BEHAR: Did you ever think that Screech would be the one to do a sex tape?
BERKLEY: I can`t say that I ever had that thought. And I kind of want to delete it from my brain. Yes.
BEHAR: You know, the other thing did you was "Showgirls". The infamous "Showgirls". Let`s look at that.
BERKLEY: You want to look at that?
BEHAR: I want to see that, yes.
BERKLEY: OK. Why not?
BEHAR: I never saw it.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Go! Higher! Not that high!
One, two, three, four!
Work it!
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: You know, you could break a hip doing that.
BERKLEY: You could, if you`re not warmed up, you could. That is a fascinating scene, by the way. I`m transfixed myself.
BEHAR: Did that project, did that hurt your career in any way or help it?
BERKLEY: You know, I will tell you it was a challenging moment when it first came out. What is fascinating to me now though is the cult status that it has. It`s wildly one of MGM`s top grossing films of all time on video, which is surreal to me. So it has a cult following now, which is fun.
BEHAR: It is almost quaint. I mean, after Paris Hilton and her sex tape and the Kardashians with their sex tape. This is like child`s play.
BERKLEY: A dancer in Vegas. So it was challenging. And I had to kind of overcome some things. But I found my power after that.
BEHAR: OK, the book comes out self-esteem workshops that you`ve done.
BERKLEY: Yes.
BEHAR: You`ve interviewed so many girls for this.
BERKLEY: I, you know what, through the last five years, I have been so privileged to have the schools opening their doors to me to allow me to volunteer with my self-esteem based workshop. And I have worked with over 30,000 girls now, sharing meaningful dialogue with them on their football fields and their cafeterias and their libraries, but giving them a safe space to feel heard and ask the questions they`ve been afraid to and connect with one another.
BEHAR: OK. So besides how I do meet Justin Bieber, what is the biggest thing?
(LAUGHTER)
BERKLEY: That`s been asked a few times. Or do you know Justin Bieber. You know, the girls put anonymous questions into this little basket, typically. And what I realize is no matter where I go, the same questions get asked over and over. I could be in Texas.
BEHAR: Really?
BERKLEY: I could be in Harlem or I could be in Florida. And so I took the most asked questions, and that`s what the book is. It`s the most asked questions with girls, me, and a dream team of female experts responding in scrapbook style.
But so, they can take advice from anyone. But the main -- the main -- let`s say body image is No. 1, for example.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: That`s No. 1.
BERKLEY: Every woman -- I don`t think any woman fully accepts and embraces themselves physically, unfortunately, in our culture. No girl goes unscathed. So in this -- this is one of the most asked questions. It`s why I started that as the boldfaced question, because there are variations of it. In the book, it`s what do you do when you look in the mirror and you hate what you see?
BEHAR: Get another mirror.
(LAUGHTER)
BERKLEY: Yes, you could. You could. Actually, the mirror in my hotel was -- it was like a fun house warped mirror. It can play with your mind, you know? Those kinds of moments -- wait a minute.
BEHAR: But it`s true. I think what you`re saying is true. That girls -- they`re too hippy, their boobs are too big or too small or--
(CROSSTALK)
BERKLEY: Or they`re not developed enough or they`re too much or and it`s also that --
BEHAR: Boys don`t go through that?
BERKLEY: I don`t think boys do as much. I don`t work with boys in the same way. I sit with the girls and I`m hearing from them. I think what the biggest thing for them is the comparison aspect that leads them to so much suffering. You know, they`re growing and changing so fast, and accepting these new changes is really hard. And so they`re looking for their -- for the validation in others. And that is what is so --
BEHAR: Who is the culprit out there? Because when I was a kid, it was the magazines. My family told me I was beautiful. And then "Glamour" magazine appeared on my doorstep and that was the end of it. And now they have "Elle" and "Vogue." These are war criminals who put these magazines out.
(LAUGHTER)
BERKLEY: No, it`s tough. It`s tough for the girls. And what they say, especially now, like it`s the magazines. It`s online. It`s advertising. It`s the perfected digital images.
BEHAR: Right. And it`s not even the true image.
(CROSSTALK)
BERKLEY: No, and I tell them that. I break it down with them. As an actress, it`s the one thing I can at least share with them, kind of the peak behind the curtain of what it takes. And I share with them that even sometimes when they airbrush me, I then feel insecure with my own image staring back at me. Like, why did they have to do that? Why did they have to shave off this part of my arm? What`s wrong with me? So of course the girls are looking at that, wondering for themselves, every time you`re not enough.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Nobody -- I mean, these models are grown somewhere in Czechoslovakia on a farm. They`re not real people anymore. You know what I mean? I have interviewed Paula Porizkova and Nemca Petrotrov (ph) -- is that her name? What`s her name?
BERKLEY: Petra Nemcova.
BEHAR: Yes, Nemcova.
BERKLEY: Her too?
BEHAR: They`re adorable. They`re two Czechoslovakian girls.
BERKLEY: Beautiful.
BEHAR: They`re both adorable too. I love them both. They`re very sweet and very fun.
BERKLEY: Yes.
BEHAR: But they say that girls look like that in Czechoslovakia. Oh, there`s tons of them.
BERKLEY: Everywhere you look.
BEHAR: In Czechoslovakia. And here, the girls look all different ways. Why is that held up as the only form of beauty?
BERKLEY: Well, I mean that`s really the issue, is that the girls, of course, you know, the greatest thing they talk about is they feel they don`t measure up. And so they ask this question over and over, to kind of figure out what tools can they have? And that`s what we do in the workshop is come to some sort of realization together. I`m not standing on a podium telling girls how to run their lives. I create the space so we can help one another.
So this question, you know, what do you do when you look in the mirror and hate what you see, so many girls, you know, to reach self-acceptance is a huge journey. It doesn`t -- I always say --
BEHAR: It seems like we`ve gone backwards, because in the `60s and `70s, which is really way back, girls came out. They let their hair grow out curly and they didn`t wear braziers, particularly. And girls were a little chubby, they were skinny. They were in Woodstock. You know, there were different kinds of looks going on.
BERKLEY: Now there is this one ideal.
BEHAR: Now it`s back to that one skinny ideal.
BERKLEY: Right. And if they don`t fit that, they feel annihilated. Like deleted in the presence of another, that may have that, that kind of--
BEHAR: Exactly. And when you`re a young teen, I think you just want to fit in.
Let me ask you about something else.
BERKLEY: Sure.
BEHAR: We were talking the other day about something called a smut list that was circulating in Westchester and Connecticut and different parts. 100 names of mostly girls on this list that somebody put out, the list implying that these girls were sluts. They couldn`t say slut list because of FaceBook rules. So they called it--
BERKLEY: Right, created a word for it. Isn`t that clever.
BEHAR: What would you say to a girl who finds herself on that list?
BERKLEY: Well, you know, this is one of the problems that the girls are talking about. A lot of people ask me in my -- about the workshops and they ask me, what`s different about being a teen today? A lot of parents ask what is different about being a teen today. Moms are fearful. They want to understand and get a real peek into it.
One of the things obviously is this tool, the Internet, that is so incredible for so many reasons. But it is also the place where cruelty that girls normally would deal with in school, bullying and gossip and all that. Now, there is this other platform for it. So the example you just shared is awful. And this is just one more level of these girls being challenged with their self-esteem. And what do you do with that? You know --
BEHAR: You can`t take your name off the list. And if people are taunting you about it -- I think you just make fun of it.
BERKLEY: Humor.
BEHAR: Make fun of it.
BERKLEY: Humor is always -- especially -- for someone to be that cruel, to, you know, when we talk, when I talk with the girls about bullying, it`s often about not letting those kind of poisonous darts in as your new belief about yourself. But it`s painful and hurtful.
BEHAR: I think girls should be trained to really -- to encourage their sense of humor. Boys are. Boys will act crazy. They don`t take it seriously. Girls are taught to be lady-like and don`t be funny and don`t--
BERKLEY: Right, and don`t speak up. Often, just be a good girl.
BEHAR: And don`t speak up. That has got to stop.
BERKLEY: And that is one of the biggest chapters in here about either whether it`s confronting a friend, speaking your truth and not betraying yourself in the name of something you know doesn`t feel right. Like, so that`s why building the awareness with the girls within them to know and kind of check in with themselves. It`s so much about the outside. Who am I? Tell me who I am. Am I lovable? Am I worthy of your affection, friendship? And so this -- the work we do together kind of brings it back to them to kind of check in with what feels right for them.
BEHAR: It`s a nice book. And I hope that people will pick it up.
BERKLEY: Thank you.
BEHAR: It is called "Ask Elizabeth."
BERKLEY: I`m excited for moms to read it, too. It is a great tool to open up the dialogue with their daughter, too.
BEHAR: OK.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: It`s lovely to see you, Elizabeth.
BERKLEY: You, too.
BEHAR: And we`ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Do you ever wonder, so Andy Rooney, if your next door neighbors are a little kinky? Ever wonder if you`re a little kinky? How can you tell? But my next guest has developed a sex quiz that might provide some answers. Ian Kerner, sex therapist and founder, goodinbed.com. I love that --goodinbed.com.
IAN KERNER: It`s memorable.
BEHAR: It certainly is. So what is this sex ...
KERNER: I`m going to give you a little sex quiz.
BEHAR: All right.
KERNER: Multiple choice. Very easy. So, I`ll ask some questions. And you just have to think about the answers.
BEHAR: Are we going on the assumption that most people do not know anything about sex?
KERNER: Maybe some people know something but don`t know everything or have some preconceptions, and that learning is always a good thing.
BEHAR: Yes. OK.
KERNER: OK.
BEHAR: All right.
KERNER: So very simple one to start. According to the Kinsey Institute, how many times a year does the average American adult have sex, OK? How many times a year?
BEHAR: I assume you mean with someone else.
KERNER: With a -- with a partner. Yes.
BEHAR: OK.
KERNER: Not with themselves.
BEHAR: All right.
KERNER: OK. So with a partner.
BEHAR: Yes.
KERNER: 365, which would be every day.
BEHAR: No.
KERNER: 56.9.
BEHAR: That would be once a week, sort of.
KERNER: Once a week sort of. 26.4. Every other week, sort of.
BEHAR: No.
KERNER: Or seven.
BEHAR: Oh, it`s ...
KERNER: Don`t look.
BEHAR: It depends on how old you are, I think.
KERNER: OK. Well, this is the average.
BEHAR: The average horny person.
KERNER: Yes.
BEHAR: I would say that it would be C, the third one.
KERNER: C. 26.4.
BEHAR: Yes.
KERNER: Nah. Americans are doing a little better than that. 56.9.
BEHAR: So, once a week.
KERNER: About once a week.
BEHAR: Has sex.
KERNER: Yes.
BEHAR: But -- good sex or just any sex?
KERNER: This is just not necessarily good sex.
BEHAR: All right. OK.
KERNER: OK. So, number two, the number one sex problem that men deal with is a, erectile disorder, b, low desire, c, premature ejaculation ...
BEHAR: I hate that.
(LAUGHTER)
KERNER: D ...
BEHAR: You know who had that problem? Joseph P. Kennedy.
KERNER: Yes.
BEHAR: John Kennedy`s father was a preemie.
KERNER: Preemie.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Go ahead. Yeah.
KERNER: Or D ...
BEHAR: It`s true. I read that.
KERNER: D was having a micro-penis ...
(CROSSTALK)
KERNER: ... which is like two to three inches.
BEHAR: Oh, I see. Bobby ...
(LAUGHTER)
KERNER: So, OK. Erectile disorder, low desire -- number one sex problem.
BEHAR: Well, since they`re always advertising Viagra ...
KERNER: Right.
BEHAR: It has to be erectile disorder.
KERNER: That would be -- yeah, that would be a ...
BEHAR: That would be A ...
KERNER: That would be a very logical choice, but it`s c, premature ejaculation.
BEHAR: That`s the dreaded.
KERNER: And number one ...
BEHAR: The dreaded one ...
KERNER: Not just a young men`s problem. And actually, some drugs on the horizon.
BEHAR: Oh, I`m so happy.
KERNER: So we might be seeing some ...
BEHAR: All right. Go ahead.
KERNER: OK. According to -- this is a study that was done by iVillage. What percentage of married women fantasizes about sex with someone who is not their spouse?
BEHAR: Does that include, like, you know, Donald Rumsfeld?
(LAUGHTER)
KERNER: If that`s your fantasy.
BEHAR: No, it`s not.
KERNER: Not yours, but ...
BEHAR: OK.
KERNER: So, what percentage of married women fantasizes about sex with someone who`s not their spouse? So, 12 percent ...
BEHAR: No, 100 percent.
KERNER: 99? You`re going to pick D, 99?
BEHAR: Yes, I think 99 percent.
KERNER: OK.
BEHAR: You know that -- do you know that old joke, like two people are lying in bed ...
KERNER: Yes.
BEHAR: Right, and nothing`s happening, they`re married for 10, 20 years and they look at each other finally. Say, what`s the matter? Couldn`t you think of anybody either?
KERNER: Well, all right. So the answer is 62 percent.
BEHAR: 62.
KERNER: 62.
BEHAR: Better than 59 percent. You know what I`m saying.
KERNER: But you know what`s interesting, men don`t really fantasize - - men are pretty just -- pretty much just happy to be there at the time. So we are not ...
BEHAR: But the women are thinking ...
KERNER: The women are thinking.
(CROSSTALK)
KERNER: ... are fantasizing.
BEHAR: Aren`t -- I have in the past fantasized with ...
KERNER: Yes.
BEHAR: About not movie stars, though. Just guys who really knew what they were doing.
(LAUGHTER)
KERNER: Yes. Yes. All right. All right. So two out of three women are more likely to make out with a guy, be attracted to a guy if they like a, his eyes, b, his personality, c, the way he smells or d, the thickness of his wallet.
BEHAR: Well, depends if you`re talking about the housewives of Beverly Hills.
KERNER: OK. Yeah.
BEHAR: It would be the last one. I think it might be the scent.
KERNER: Yes. Yes.
BEHAR: Is that -- Am I right?
KERNER: Yes, you totally are. You got that right.
BEHAR: The scent. Yeah, if someone smells right, even if it`s not a great smell ...
KERNER: Yes.
BEHAR: If it fits your olfactory senses ...
KERNER: Yes.
BEHAR: I think you would go with that guy.
KERNER: And women have a much keener -- men don`t get this, but women have a much keener sense of scent ...
BEHAR: Yes.
KERNER: ... than men do, and they say that women are actually able to genetically sniff out the right partner.
BEHAR: Really?
KERNER: Which is why they have such a heightened-...
BEHAR: It`s a curse also to have a good nose.
KERNER: Yes.
BEHAR: Believe me.
KERNER: Yeah, OK.
BEHAR: I`m telling you.
KERNER: All right. So -- how many -- this one I actually didn`t know this one. How many positions are depicted in the original Kama sutra? 64, 82, 101 or 120?
BEHAR: Oh my God -- the last book I read was, what, you know ...
KERNER: "The Kite Runner?"
BEHAR: I mean I think it was "Little Women."
KERNER: So.
BEHAR: I would say the third.
KERNER: The third. 101.
BEHAR: Yes.
KERNER: Close, it`s actually 64.
BEHAR: Oh.
KERNER: But you know what -- guess what ...
BEHAR: Again.
KERNER: But guess what the ...
BEHAR: Nuts.
KERNER: Guess what the number one position is for ...
BEHAR: Missionary?
KERNER: Missionary.
BEHAR: I know.
KERNER: Even though it`s not ...
BEHAR: It`s the easiest one.
KERNER: It`s the easiest -- it`s not the one that`s most likely ...
BEHAR: Isn`t it the easiest one and it`s easy to say, get off of me already, OK?
KERNER: For guys it can be a little -- it can be ...
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: All right, we`ll have more of this with Ian when we come back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with sex therapist Ian Kerner, who apparently knows everything about sex, more than he needs to know maybe.
KERNER: Thank you.
BEHAR: Where did you do your internship?
KERNER: Here, here in New York and at home with my wife.
BEHAR: Yes? Oh really?
KERNER: Yes. And ...
BEHAR: Do you and your wife experiment on a lot of sex?
KERNER: No. We`re pretty -- we`re not really thrill seekers.
BEHAR: Oh, you are boring.
KERNER: We`re comfort creatures. Yes, but we`re both, you know, we`re both tuning (ph) the same way. So it`s enough for us.
BEHAR: Where did the term missionary position come from anyway? Was it a mission?
KERNER: You know, I don`t know. It`s a good -- I`ll get the answer.
BEHAR: Yeah. I`m wondering.
KERNER: I`ll get the answer.
BEHAR: OK. All right. You have another question?
KERNER: I do have a couple more. So, this is about fetishes.
BEHAR: A lot of men have fetishes. Women don`t have fetishes.
KERNER: A lot of men have them, women do not have them.
BEHAR: We like to shop. We can`t be bothered with a fetish.
KERNER: So, people with endytophilia, OK. They like to a, have sex in elevators ...
BEHAR: Are they indicted? I don`t get the term.
KERNER: E, N, D, Y, T, O, philia.
BEHAR: Endytophilia?
KERNER: Endytophilia.
BEHAR: Endo -- meaning outside oneself. Endo.
KERNER: Like to have sex in elevators ..
BEHAR: Outside the house -- that`s good.
KERNER: Like to do it with their clothes on.
BEHAR: That would be outside your body.
KERNER: Never have sex because they`re afraid of germs.
BEHAR: That would be never having sex.
KERNER: Like to roll around in dirt.
BEHAR: I like that one.
KERNER: It`s -- you like that one, like you like it or ...
BEHAR: No, no. I would go with endo meaning outside.
KERNER: Yeah, that`s ...
BEHAR: Isn`t that what that means?
KERNER: Yeah, it does. Yeah.
BEHAR: So, I would say have sex in elevators.
KERNER: Well, have sex with their clothes on.
BEHAR: Oh, with their clothes on.
KERNER: ... which could be in an elevator, too.
BEHAR: I think that`s a turn-on, but not all your clothes.
KERNER: Yes.
BEHAR: Like if you`re wearing a coat ...
KERNER: It`s kind of going back to the teenage years a little, right?
BEHAR: But like a couple of articles of clothing, and I can see the point.
KERNER: Well, you know, the thing about a fetish, is if you are both sort of into it, then it`s not a problem. It only becomes a problem if one person ...
BEHAR: Right.
KERNER: Isn`t interested in it.
BEHAR: OK. What else?
KERNER: OK. Which -- which mammal has a retractable penis?
BEHAR: Charlie Sheen.
(LAUGHTER)
KERNER: That was a good choice. That really -- that was a choice. And can use it like a groping hand. Do you still pick Charlie Sheen?
BEHAR: No. Who else -- what else do you have?
KERNER: OK. One -- a dolphin ...
BEHAR: A retractable penis? A dolphin has a penis? It`s a fish.
KERNER: It`s a mammal.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: It`s a fish, but it`s a mammal. But it`s a fish.
KERNER: Well, a hippopotamus.
(CROSSTALK)
KERNER: A hippopotamus?
BEHAR: A hippo? I`d go a hippo.
KERNER: It`s a dolphin.
BEHAR: A dolphin has a retractable penis?
KERNER: Yes, and ...
BEHAR: Do they know that at Sea World?
(LAUGHTER)
KERNER: And Joe, the guy from "Maxim" who was just on, he was -- he was telling me that they`re considered to be very randy, very horny creatures as well.
BEHAR: Joe Levy has a retractable penis.
(LAUGHTER)
KERNER: All right. Last one.
BEHAR: I`ll check next time he`s on.
KERNER: Last one.
BEHAR: All right.
KERNER: OK, what percentage of women prefer sleep to sex?
BEHAR: How many women sleep during sex is really the question. Yes.
KERNER: 98 percent.
BEHAR: Prefer sleep to sex?
KERNER: 62 percent.
BEHAR: Depends on how tired you are. I mean, that question is ridiculous.
KERNER: 41 percent.
BEHAR: Prefer sleep to sex.
KERNER: Two percent.
BEHAR: What about going out for a pizza? It`s not on the list. I would say two percent.
KERNER: 41 percent of women.
BEHAR: Prefer sleeping to sex?
KERNER: Would rather sleep than have sex.
BEHAR: Boy, that`s sad. You girls, you hear what this is? That`s terrible.
KERNER: Yeah, well, you know, and actually, though I deal with a lot of low-desire men, I`ve got to say that there`s a lot of men, too, these days.
BEHAR: Really? I don`t know too many of those. They`re more worried about premature ejaculation. All right. Thank you guys, very much. Thank you, Ian.
KERNER: My pleasure.
BEHAR: And thank you for watching. Good night, everybody.
END
