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Joy Behar Page

Joy Behar`s Royal Wedding After Party

Aired April 29, 2011 - 19:00   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to "Joy Behar`s Royal Wedding After Party." And now here is your host, Joy Behar.

JOY BEHAR, HOST: Hello and welcome to the show. Well, the royal wedding is over. The bride looked stunning, didn`t she? The groom looked handsome, I thought. Charles looked -- eh.

What was with the queen`s yellow suit? She looked like Hillary Clinton on steroids. That was not attractive, I`m sorry.

And the kiss -- the other thing that I objected to, which I objected to, I mean, I`m sitting here watching this, but the groom and the bride, when they did the kiss, it was, like, not romantic, I thought. The more romantic kiss was when Michael Corleone kissed Fredo, and he was going to kill him later. It was even more -- that was a better kiss. I was so disappointed.

Anyway, welcome to the party. We`re going to have a nice time. I haven`t been this excited, actually, since the last Mel Gibson tape came out. Do you remember that? When Oksana Grigorieva said, "What kind of a man is that? Who hits a woman while she`s holding a child? What kind of man is that?" It`s one of my favorite tapes of all time. I can`t wait until the DVD comes out.

By the way, did you hear this? Fergie was not invited to the wedding. That is disgraceful. This is -- the groom`s aunt is not invited? I mean, if I didn`t invite my Aunt Rose to my wedding, would have killed herself just to annoy me. She would have jumped off a cliff just to aggravate me. You can`t do that. Who does that? It`s so wrong.

And anyway, by the way, Fergie, I consider to be the liveliest one of the whole -- the whole bloody bunch. I mean, she drinks. She was topless and had her toes sucked. She gambles. She`s - what`s not to love? The woman is a paragon of decadence, and they don`t invite her. They`re so annoyingly stupid.

Now, the Brits -- the Brits don`t like Charles. I noticed, I was reading the -- the popularity polls. They don`t like him. He was popular for a while until he cheated on Diana and went out with Nana. And how lame is he? How about remember the time he wanted to be Camilla`s tampon? What kind of man wants to be a tampon? What kind of man is that?

Now, if you don`t know this, there`s a rumor that Harry is not Charles` biological son. I don`t know if you know that. The kid has red hair and freckles. I think he`s Carrot Top`s kid. He looks nothing like Charles.

I mean, my opinion, he escaped all of that inbreeding over there, which is fabulous. I mean, there`s too much inbreeding over there, don`t you think? You know, I mean, it`s interesting. They are all related to each other. All the royals are related to each other by blood. I mean, it`s funny. In that country, if you -- if you marry a cousin, you end up in Buckingham Palace. In this country, you end up doing the movie "Deliverance." OK?

And lastly, before we start the show, I know that this is a big day for the royal family, but it`s also something else. April 29 is -- it also happens to be Bernie Madoff`s birthday. Yes, I know. It`s a big day.

And Bernie, I`d like to say happy birthday to Bernie. I want to wish you a very happy birthday. All of your old clients pooled their pennies, and they sent you a cake. Ignore the ticking and have a good day.

OK. Let`s get the party started.

Welcome, everybody, to our "Royal Wedding After Party." Tonight, we`ve got it all covered: the ceremony, the fashion, the history, and of course, the scandals, which is my favorite part because I`m like that. And we`ll even have our own champagne toast.

But before we get to the bubbly, let me introduce my fabulous guests: actress -- beautiful actress Joan Collins; beautiful actress Lisa Rinna; and beautiful Nate Merkus [SIC], designer -- Berkus -- we`re going to say Merkus [SIC].

NATE BERKUS, DESIGNER: Merkus [SIC]. I had a name change.

BEHAR: Designer and host of "The Nate Berkus Show." Not "The Nate Merkus [SIC] Show."

BERKUS: No, but that`s coming next. The sequel. Yes, going to be great.

BEHAR: Very good.

So Joan, what did you think? Let`s just go for it.

JOAN COLLINS, ACTRESS: I thought it was absolutely fantastic. I didn`t see a thing wrong with it. I loved everything. I loved the pomp, the ceremony. I loved the people in the street. I loved her dress. I thought it was perfection: not too flashy, very classical, almost medieval. I thought he looked divine. Just...

BEHAR: What was medieval, the outfit?

COLLINS: It had a medieval look with V-neck and also the medieval veil, very long. Simple and beautiful. And I thought the whole thing was amazing.

BEHAR: Really?

COLLINS: Just amazing. I didn`t -- I honestly think you Americans, no wonder you love it, because you don`t have anything like this. And we are the Brits, and we have it. You may be practically British.

BEHAR: Don`t throw it in our face.

COLLINS: I`m not.

BEHAR: What about you, Lisa? What did you think?

LISA RINNA, ACTRESS: I thought...

BEHAR: What was going through her head, do you think, Kate?

RINNA: Wow. I mean, can you imagine? I think she was just freaked. I do.

BEHAR: She didn`t look freaked.

RINNA: She didn`t look it. But I think -- I mean, there`s something about her, though, that is really grounded. So whatever was going on in her head, you would never know it.

BEHAR: Do you think?

BERKUS: Yes.

BEHAR: They keep referring to her as a commoner. Lower the girl`s self-esteem.

RINNA: I know, I know.

BEHAR: She`s a commoner.

BERKUS: Right. A bar maid.

BEHAR: I thought -- well, no, go ahead, Nate.

BERKUS: I just thought whatever it is that was going through her mind, the poise under Grace and she was so comfortable, and it actually to me felt a little casual. That there was something -- not too casual, no, no, no. Not too casual. Not too casual, but it was -- there was a serenity to her that I thought was really beautiful, especially...

BEHAR: Don`t you think she was medicated? Come on.

BERKUS: I would have been. I`m medicated to be here. And by the way, she did her own makeup. That`s the rumor, that she did her own makeup. We didn`t do our own makeup to come on to your show. Can you imagine to her.

BEHAR: I always do my own makeup.

BERKUS: Come.

BEHAR: Well, she happens to be -- how old is she, like, 29. When I was 29, I didn`t need any makeup either. Did you, Nate?

BERKUS: Yes -- I was wearing -- yes. How old do you think I am?

COLLINS: She was wearing makeup. She had eyeliner. She had quite a bit of eye liner. She had quite a lot of blusher. And I thought it was perfectly put on. She had quite a lot of tan, whether it was fake or real. I think it was real.

BEHAR: They sent Snooki in to do that. Lisa, what about the ring? They had trouble getting the ring on her finger.

RINNA: I did see that. I was surprised by that, to be honest.

BEHAR: Did it make you nervous?

RINNA: It did make me nervous.

BEHAR: Why? What did you think would happen?

RINNA: Not get it on. It went so well that I think everyone`s looking for, oh, my gosh, I knew it would be a big moment. Oh, my gosh, he couldn`t get the ring over the knuckle. Oh, my Lord. Big deal.

BEHAR: At one point he whispered to her, "You look beautiful."

RINNA: I love that.

BEHAR: How do we know he said that?

RINNA: Because Marlee Matlin told me.

BEHAR: Marlee Matlin. Exactly. How do you make -- maybe what he really said was, "You`re not in the will."

RINNA: Now, I have a question. I have a question. Why didn`t William watch her walk down the aisle? He didn`t see her. He kept forward, and Harry turned around and saw her.

BERKUS: I don`t know the answer to that.

BEHAR: He`s not supposed to look at her, probably.

RINNA: At all? Do you think? Is that protocol?

BEHAR: Yes. It used to be that she was -- they were virgins. Right, Joan? What happened to that?

COLLINS: Well -- what happened to that? What happened to that, actually, was Princess Diana and Prince Charles, because they only met 12 times before. And I think that she probably was a virgin, and you know what happened to that marriage. It just didn`t exactly work out.

BEHAR: But he wasn`t a virgin. He was doing Camilla all that time, wasn`t he?

COLLINS: That`s what I`ve heard. I wasn`t in the bedroom, but that`s what they say.

BEHAR: I mean, you know. And then they kissed not once but twice. Is that protocol to kiss twice? Or "I didn`t get it right the first time"?

COLLINS: You mean on the balcony?

BEHAR: Yes.

COLLINS: I didn`t see them kiss twice. I only saw it once.

BERKUS: The second time...

COLLINS: Well, once was for the cameras and once was for them.

COLLINS: I mean, it wasn`t like when David Gest kissed Liza Minnelli at his wedding. I mean, the kiss went on for 20 minutes. It was like, you know...

BEHAR: Or Al Gore. He sucked her lungs out. It was like a vacuum cleaner.

Do you think that -- I would never be able to take my vows in front of all those people. It`s none of their business. All those people have to listen to me in an intimate moment like that?

COLLINS: Yes, but you`re never going to be a princess, I mean, unless you`re a Jewish princess.

BEHAR: I`m a princess in my own mind.

RINNA: Aren`t we all?

BEHAR: Aren`t we all? You know, I`m not married. I have the guy for 28 years. We go together, right? And we`re still not married.

RINNA: Why aren`t you married?

BEHAR: Well, you know because I have issues. All right? I figure, like, on my death bed is when I will -- when they say, "Till death do us part," that`s when I`ll get married, because it will be five more minutes before I have to do it.

COLLINS: Don`t you feel -- don`t you feel that you want to be committed to this guy?

BEHAR: Well, we are committed. What does that have to do with marriage?

COLLINS: I don`t know. I feel that marriage is a commitment, and I know that it`s become very unpopular these days and people don`t get married. In England we have 56 percent of kids being born without being married. But I love being married.

BEHAR: I know you do.

COLLINS: I`ve done it enough times.

BEHAR: Well, you know what? If I get pregnant, then I`ll marry him.

Thank you, everybody. Make sure to check out Nate`s -- Nate`s interview with Oprah this Tuesday. Aren`t you special?

BERKUS: It`s going to be fun.

BEHAR: We`re going to be right back with more wedding dish.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: Coming up next, Clinton Kelly talks about Kate`s dress and, yes, those crazy hats.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: Here now, welcome to "The Royal Wedding After Party" the best fashion critic around, the host of TLC`s "What Not to Wear," Clinton Kelly.

Hi, Clinton. He`s in London.

CLINTON KELLY, HOST, TLC`S "WHAT NOT TO WEAR": Hey, Joy.

BEHAR: Now, you`re an expert on fashion. What did you think of the dresses?

KELLY: I thought for the most part the dresses were boring and the hats were coo-coo-ca-chu.

BEHAR: All righty. And what about the queen`s outfit? She looked like she was waiting for the early bird special in Boca. That outfit was so hideous. I`m sorry, John.

KELLY: It kind of worked, though, for me. It was a real...

BEHAR: It was awful.

KELLY: It worked for me because it was a really cloudy day, and there she was, looking like the sun in the middle of it all. It was like a big Easter peep. I just want to pick her up and take a bite out of her.

BEHAR: What about the designer choice for Kate, Sarah Burton out of the McQueen house? What about her? Did you think she was the right choice?

KELLY: I think it was -- I think it was a great choice, actually. I mean, she looked beautiful. Kate looked stunning. She looked a little bit like Grace Kelly. I thought the dress was spot on.

The only thing that bothered me was the eyeliner on the lower lids. I could not stop staring at Kate`s eye makeup. It was driving me a little bit nuts. But I think the dress was perfect.

BEHAR: OK. And there are a lot of knockoffs already coming out. Plenty of knockoffs already. I mean, what about that?

KELLY: Well, ABS, Allen B. Schwartz is already saying that they are knocking the dress off and, quite frankly, I think that buying a knock-off dress like that is kind of lame, but if you liked Kate`s dress and you want to buy something inspired by that, I think that that`s -- that`s pretty cool. But a knock off itself is like, duh, why would you wear that?

BEHAR: How do you compare -- how do you compare it to Princess Diana`s dress? Because Diana, she looked like her dress was upholstered. It was like a couch.

KELLY: Oh, yes.

BEHAR: I mean, if you look at the dress that Diana wore, it looked like a couch compared to this dress. She looked beautiful but it was very...

KELLY: You`re absolutely right.

COLLINS: That was the `80s, though.

BEHAR: It was the `80s.

COLLINS: That was the `80s. It was a totally different era.

BEHAR: Yes. But you know what, Clinton? I thought that Pippa in a way stole the show. But we`re going to talk about that now. And anyway, thanks for joining us.

And you can catch Clinton on the encore of TLC`s wedding coverage at 8 p.m. tonight and Saturday.

OK. Now I want to ask my guests their thoughts of the fashion. Joining the conversation is the lovely and talented Rob Shooter, a columnist. OK, Rob, tell me what you thought.

ROB SHOOTER, COLUMNIST: I thought it was a little forgettable. There was not a stand-out moment for me. I think we`ll never forget Princess Diana`s dress. I could see that dress on Lisa Rinna on a Saturday night.

BEHAR: What dress? Diana`s?

SHOOTER: No.

BEHAR: I liked the girl. That dress was over the top, I thought.

COLLINS: We`re going through a recession in England. We are. I think we are here. I think to wear a dress as flamboyant as Diana`s was, as wonderful as it was in 1981, would have been so wrong. It would have been so wrong for the times. I thought she was perfection for the time.

BEHAR: Because of the economic downturn?

SHOOTER: Cut back on the horses. That was a lot of horses. That was a lot of marching bands. If you`re going to cut back, then really cut back.

COLLINS: You can`t do that. That`s why all of the Americans come over here. That`s why they want to see all those horses.

BEHAR: What about Pippa? Pippa wore -- her daughter -- her daughter. Her sister, she wore a white gown. I`ve never heard of such a thing. Where were the ugly bridesmaid dresses?

RINNA: Thank God there wasn`t. It was perfection. It was such a gorgeous dress.

BEHAR: Yes.

RINNA: I loved every second of it. I thought Kate looked beyond gorgeous. It was -- I am stunned by it. And I think those men...

BEHAR: Stunned? Stunned by it?

RINNA: Stunned. I thought it was so gorgeous. I think Clinton is high. I don`t think he knows what he`s talking about. It was not boring. It was stunning.

COLLINS: Absolutely. It was not boring. Look at those bridesmaids. Have you ever seen anything as cute as those four little girls?

SHOOTER: Absolutely.

COLLINS: And those two little pageboys. I mean, it`s just magnificent.

BEHAR: Do you think it`s interesting that Kate went with a rather nun-like look, and when she first was hooking -- at the boy she was seeing that see-through outfit.

COLLINS: That was for a costume party.

BEHAR: She did a nice turn around for the wedding.

But what about the arms on Pippa?

COLLINS: Well, I think that it`s considered to be wrong to go into the Abbey with bare arms.

RINNA: It is?

COLLINS: Oh, yes. Yes. She should have had her arms covered in some way, but she has a gorgeous figure, a ravishing figure.

BEHAR: Body. She has a great body.

SHOOTER: The lady that stole the show was Fergie`s daughter with that silly hat.

What were they thinking?

BEHAR: I think they are happy their mother was not invited.

SHOOTER: That`s right.

BEHAR: She wasn`t invited. Let me ask you about those hats on little Eugenie and Beatrice. Do you think -- I mean, it`s a psychotic moment.

RINNA: It is.

BEHAR: It`s beyond -- it`s beyond Bjorn [SIC] with the swan dress.

RINNA: It`s Lady Gaga.

BEHAR: It`s worse than Lady Gaga because you`re at a wedding. Do you think that they purposely did that to stick it to -- because their mother was not invited?

SHOOTER: Yes. Yes, I do.

COLLINS: No. No. No. Absolutely not.

BEHAR: Yes, Joan.

COLLINS: Nobody in the royal family is going to stick it to somebody because their mother wasn`t invited. She wasn`t invited because she is no longer the aunt.

I mean, I love Fergie. She`s a friend -- friend of ours. And I think that the fact is that they had great difficulty with the guest list. They did not one of Diana`s best friends, which is Lady Annabel Goldsmith, because somebody crossed her.

BEHAR: Why not?

COLLINS: Because apparently somebody crossed her...

SHOOTER: Is she Jewish?

COLLINS: No. Somebody crossed her off the guest list. There were so many people that were crossed off. I mean, they did not invite ex-prime minister Gordon Brown and Tony Blair. They were not invited.

BEHAR: Tony Blair, who saved the monarchy when the queen didn`t want to go out and speak to them.

COLLINS: Yes. He called Diana the people`s princess. You can`t have everybody. I mean, you had a funny old lady, and she could barely walk.

SHOOTER: The queen?

COLLINS: No. I love the queen. Don`t you say anything against the queen.

BEHAR: OK. We`ll have more with my panel in a minute. But, first, since Fergie wasn`t invited to the wedding, as we just discussed, we`ve invited her to our after party. She`s in the green room right now. Let`s see what she`s up to.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: Welcome back to the "Royal Wedding After Party."

You know, what about little Harry? He looked like he stepped on a subway, the boy. His hair was a mess. Did you notice that?

COLLINS: It`s a look.

BEHAR: It`s a look?

COLLINS: It`s a look. He`s 26 or something. A little gel. At least he has hair.

BEHAR: But he`s not the next king. So who needs hair when you`re the king?

COLLINS: Did you see him waving to Chelsy in the audience? I thought that was nice.

BEHAR: Chelsy who? Chelsy?

COLLINS: His girlfriend. Yes, I think he has a few, but she`s still the No. 1. I think he`s great. I mean, he was -- he was looking at Kate Middleton when she arrived like, almost like, I really like her. I really think she`s great. I think he`s -- I think he`s one of the best of the royal -- of the younger royals.

BEHAR: Really?

COLLINS: Oh, yes, absolutely.

BEHAR: Don`t you remember, he dressed in a Nazi uniform for Halloween?

COLLINS: Doesn`t everyone?

BEHAR: No, particularly not in Britain, where they fought the Nazis tooth and nail. It was pretty tacky. He got into a lot of trouble for that.

COLLINS: I know. He did.

BEHAR: And he was invited and Fergie wasn`t. I like her.

COLLINS: I know you do. You both have the same color hair.

BEHAR: You know, I made a joke about Harry`s parentage. But he does not look like Charles. And now you agree that -- both of you. What do you know about the Lieutenant Hewitt?

SHOOTER: We would never be allowed back in the country. He`s the child...

BEHAR: That boy does not look like his father.

COLLINS: He looks -- he looks like his grandfather. He does.

BEHAR: Prince Phillip?

COLLINS: Hewitt admits -- no, Diana`s father. Yes. I mean, James Hewitt was on the other day, and he admitted that he was not the father. And his relationship with Diana didn`t even start until Harry was 2 years old. So do the math.

BEHAR: You don`t know that.

What about Camilla?

She was wearing a flying saucer. I mean, what was up with her?

COLLINS: I thought the outfit was fantastic, very, very chic.

SHOOTER: I think she tries to blend in.

She`s got such a difficult role to play. She has such a harsh role to play. They don`t like her. They`re really growing to like her but they really don`t...

BEHAR: Why don`t they like her?

SHOOTER: Because she`ll never be Diana.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: And he said he wanted to be a tampon in Camilla. What type of mentality -- let me ask you, Joan, what type of mentality says that? Who talks like that? And who says something like that?

COLLINS: I don`t know.

BEHAR: I mean, there`s something mentally challenged.

COLLINS: We all make mistakes.

BEHAR: I`ve never heard of such a thing.

COLLINS: Neither have I.

RINNA: I never heard that until you said it out of your mouth. I still can`t get over it.

SHOOTER: But Harry talks a little dirty to you sometimes.

RINNA: Yes, he does, but not like that.

BEHAR: What about Pippa and Harry getting together?

RINNA: I like that idea.

COLLINS: I think they`re both very eligible. Pippa is a very smart girl.

BEHAR: Really? What does she do?

COLLINS: She`s inherited the business. The mother and father are still only in their 50s, and Pippa is party planning and things like that. And she`s very entrepreneurial. And she`s very pretty.

BEHAR: She`s very pretty and very thin.

COLLINS: Very skinny.

BEHAR: OK. Thank you, Rob, for joining us. It was a pleasure to see you. And we`ll be right back after a quick break.

ANNOUNCER: Coming up next, now that William and Kate have tied the knot, can their marriage succeed when so many other royal marriages have failed? A look at royal infidelity next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: Welcome back to the royal wedding after party. The ceremony may be over but the reviews are still in. Joining me now from London with his take on the festivities is Richard Quest, CNN International correspondent.

Richard, hello, darling. Tell me, is there a pre-nup? Everyone wants to know.

RICHARD QUEST, CORRESPONDENT, CNN INTERNATIONAL: And I have said before that we are not talking about that sort of thing today. Why do you want to delve -- look, they are having a party back in the palace, a party for 350 of their nearest and dearest. They are quaffing the Queen`s best champagne and you`re talking pre-nups.

Did you not see the sheer love and affection on their faces as they gave their vows to each other?

BEHAR: Yes. It was beautiful. You`re right. Ok, I take it back. They don`t have a pre-nup.

But what about -- he seems to have trouble putting the ring on her finger. Maybe he needed to lubricate her finger. What happened there?

QUEST: I must confess there was a moment or two when that ring was -- I was going -- it was all a little bit too close for comfort for me.

BEHAR: Ok. Well, what are the odds that they are giving now? The gamblers give it odds that the marriage will last more than ten years.

QUEST: Ahh --

BEHAR: No, I always do that. Shocking. Oh, I`m sorry. If I tend to imply that a royal couple will not stay married. What a fool I am. Go ahead, Richard.

QUEST: You are -- you are one sick puppy.

BEHAR: I`ve heard that before. But, all right, so you don`t want to talk about that.

First of all, do the Brits feel that it`s lived up to the hype? Because there was plenty of hype.

QUEST: I`m sorry. You`ll have to repeat that.

BEHAR: I`m sorry. I can`t do that. No, I`m teasing you. Did it leave up to its hype, Richard? Did the whole ceremony -- was it as great as we all thought it would be?

QUEST: It was more than I thought it was going to be. First of all, the way they had done the abbey out with the trees. Secondly the abbey has an intimacy even though there were 2,000 people in there. The way the family comes together right at the sanctuary.

I think even a miserable old die hard like you could actually get some enjoyment from that.

BEHAR: Oh, my goodness. I thought you we`re talking about the Queen for a second.

By the way, what did you --

(CROSSTALK)

QUEST: Oh -- didn`t she -- didn`t she look radiant in her lemon or champagne or whatever you call it?

BEHAR: She looked like a school bus. Let`s put it that way. All right. I`m being mean to the queen. So what? She can`t hear me. All right.

Thank you, Richard, for your insight and your wonderful reportage.

QUEST: The only thing I need -- hang on. The only thing I need, frankly, is a good chiropodist because my feet are killing me having been standing on them for the last 48 hours.

BEHAR: Ok. Well, we feel sorry for you. Thank you, Richard. Thank you, Richard.

No, it was lovely to speak to you. I love him.

With a long history of scandal in the monarchy, William and Kate are sure to face their share of challenges. Infidelity seems to be -- I know he`s not going to like that I`m saying this -- but infidelity seems to be part of the whole royal DNA. Is it even possible for a royal couple to live happily ever after nowadays as I pointed out to them and they turned on me for?

With me now to talk about this are actress, Joan Collins; actress, Lisa Rinna; and Lisa Vanderpump --- that`s right -- co-star of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and HLN`s royal wedding contributor. Thank you for joining us, Lisa.

LISA VANDERPUMP, CO-STAR, "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS": Thank you darling.

BEHAR: You know, I have much to ask you, because you know Princess Eugenie. Right?

VANDERPUMP: Yes. I had dinner with her.

BEHAR: That`s Fergie`s daughter.

VANDERPUMP: Yes. I had dinner with the Duchess of York a couple of weeks ago and with Princess Eugenie.

BEHAR: And what did Princess Eugenie have to say about her mother`s - - the diss?

VANDERPUMP: I mean I was really disappointed that she wasn`t invited. We don`t know exactly what went down with that whole kind of fiasco. But I think she should have been invited. You know, I think united we stand, divided we fall. And I think it was a mistake. And I think it was very --

BEHAR: But did she feel bad about it?

VANDERPUMP: Yes, absolutely.

BEHAR: So she`s upset for Fergie?

VANDERPUMP: Yes.

BEHAR: See, Joan.

VANDERPUMP: Who wants to talk to Fergie?

BEHAR: You`re saying that she`s no longer the aunt.

JOAN COLLINS, ACTRESS: Well, I think that you can`t have everybody. You really can`t. And I don`t quite understand why Guy Ritchie was there. I mean he`s a wonderful director but --

BEHAR: Madonna`s ex was there?

COLLINS: Yes.

BEHAR: What about the king of Swaziland, who`s a dictator. He was there. Also the Sultan of Bahrain; their people are starving and they are there.

VANDERPUMP: Well, they were protesting outside the doors about that.

BEHAR: What do you make of that? Why the king of Bahrain?

COLLINS: I think it`s a very political thing that has to come a lot from the Queen and from Prince Charles. And I think that there are certain people who (INAUDIBLE) that this is part of the old colonial establishment of Great Britain. I think these people have to be invited.

I mean there were a lot of people there that I`m sure William and Catherine didn`t want but they had to be there. But I do think -- I think yes, you`re right. I think that Fergie should have been invited.

LISA RINNA, ACTRESS: I do too. I think she should have been invited.

VANDERPUMP: And the Obamas should have been invited.

COLLINS: No, that would have been -- I don`t think so.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: Why not Obama?

COLLINS: It would have been -- I mean if you think that it was a security nightmare with them, can you imagine with Obama and then with -- you would have had to have had Sarkozy. You would have to have the one from Italy and Angela Merkel. I mean --

BEHAR: Berlusconi the one from Italy.

COLLINS: I mean it would have been the worst security nightmare in the world.

BEHAR: Berlusconi would have been coming on to Pippa.

(CROSSTALK)

RINNA: He would have been all over her.

BEHAR: Let`s talk about the checkered history of the royals. They have a lot of infidelity even though you Brits don`t like to hear this. It`s very true.

I mean Queen Elizabeth`s four kids, only the youngest Prince Edward has not divorced so far. The Queen`s only sibling, Princess Margaret, she was kind of like the way Harry is, wasn`t she?

VANDERPUMP: Yes.

BEHAR: She was the bad girl and Elizabeth was the good girl. And you have Harry as the bad boy and William is the good boy.

VANDERPUMP: there`s a lot -- there`s pressure on the second when you`re heir apparent. I mean there`s a lot more pressure on you.

BEHAR: On the first one?

VANDERPUMP: Yes absolutely. William says, you know, he says well, I`m doing my job because I have to. So it`s a very different attitude.

BEHAR: Charles and Di both admitted cheating.

COLLINS: Well, Diana said that she did cheat after he admitted cheating with Camilla. She did not before. And that is on pretty good authority from people that knew Diana. But then, of course, it`s tit for tat.

RINNA: If one does it --

BEHAR: She admitted it.

COLLINS: Yes, she admitted it.

BEHAR: That she had done it. If he hadn`t told her that he was cheating with Camilla, would she have then admitted it?

COLLINS: He didn`t just tell her. He told the world. Don`t you remember? He went on the thing on TV and talked about it.

BEHAR: She had that wonderful interview, "There were three of us in the marriage."

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: I loved that interview.

COLLINS: I have to say, to make up --

BEHAR: That is the most fabulous interview. Just say it in the British accent.

COLLINS: There were three of us in this marriage.

BEHAR: So who else? Henry VIII beheaded two of his six wives.

COLLINS: They`re both beheaded. (INAUDIBLE)

BEHAR: Do you think they would like to bring that back?

COLLINS: What? Beheading?

BEHAR: Edward VIII abdicated his throne to marry Wallis Simpson. Ok. She was no beauty. She must have done something really good. You know what I`m saying? If they will give you anything, you want New Zealand? You want Australia? Canada, it`s yours.

COLLINS: She was supposed to be spectacular clever in some areas in the bedroom.

VANDERPUMP: Yes.

BEHAR: Exactamente. I`ve looked into the Wallis Simpson. He was quite moronic.

COLLINS: Was he?

BEHAR: Yes.

COLLINS: Really? You look very sure.

BEHAR: Yes.

VANDERPUMP: When you say, he was, were you talking about Wallis Simpson. That was a bit dubious --

BEHAR: Well, I don`t know if she was -- she might have just been a bad seed. But he was basically stupid. I`ve read letters that he wrote, in the "New York Times" -- I read this, he wrote a letter to her. This is the truth.

"Dear Wallis" -- this is verbatim. "I hope a girl is missing a boy because a boy is missing a girl. And a boy loves a girl but I have to make drowsy now, he goes." This is a letter that he wrote. This guy was going to be the king of England and had a deal with Hitler.

Dear boy, I hope a boy is not thinking of invading Poland. But I have to make drowsy now. I mean these are moronic people. We are talking about here. That inbreeding has gone to the head.

VANDERPUMP: Well, his father always knew that, didn`t he? He wanted --

BEHAR: Edward`s father?

VANDERPUMP: Yes. Absolutely. He wanted --

BEHAR: And that`s when George "The King`s Speech", the stutterer, that`s when he became king --

VANDERPUMP: Absolutely.

BEHAR: -- because of this idiot, Nazi sympathizer. You know this, Joan.

COLLINS: Oh, yes absolutely. Yes. If he had become king -- thank God Wallis came along. We would have probably, you know, been in bed with Hitler.

BEHAR: Exactly.

BEHAR: And the uniform that the kid wore at Halloween would have been -- all right.

You know, last year a bishop -- I just have to do this one more point. A bishop last year predicted that their marriage would only last seven years. What do you make of that?

COLLINS: How dare a bishop do that? How dare --

RINNA: A priest would do that?

BEHAR: He called them shallow celebrities.

COLLINS: Oh, he`s just a fool. I mean you don`t do it like that. I think that -- I will take odds that this is (INAUDIBLE) -- they have been living together for nine years. They`ve lived together. They know everything about each other. They know that he leaves his stocks on the floor. He`s seen her without makeup, you know. Schlepping around --

BEHAR: On her wedding day.

COLLINS: It`s not like when some people get married and it`s just lust and then they fall in love. They`ve known each other.

BEHAR: I agree.

(CROSSTALK)

COLLINS: And within a year they will have a little ragrat or two.

BEHAR: A little ragrat. I hope it`s a boy because they have to change the law if it`s a girl.

COLLINS: Oh, yes.

RINNA: They do.

BEHAR: Oh, yes. Because they are sexist. But I do agree, they are - - so they are in love. I think you`re right.

RINNA: I think the definitely are.

BEHAR: And I`m thrilled for them. We`ll be back with more on the royal wedding in just a moment.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up next, comedian Colin Quinn tries to make sense of the bizarre and twisted world of the British monarchy.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: Colin Quinn is not only a funny, funny guy, he`s an expert on virtually everything which you would know if you had been to his Broadway and his hit show on HBO "Long Story Short". So please welcome to the party, Colin Quinn. Yes. Ok.

So we`ve been talking -- we have been talking about the royal family.

COLIN QUINN, COMEDIAN: You sure have; interminably, in my opinion. Geez, you guys squeezed every inch out of it. Then you bring in a straight guy like me like I`m going to add anything to the discussion of the royal family.

BEHAR: Well, I feel that you would, being of Irish descent, you have a certain affinity.

QUINN: A certain affinity. Is that what they call that? Yes, well, even affinity --

BEHAR: Do the Irish really hate the Brits?

QUINN: Yes. We break pictures of the royal wedding at all weddings. We smash a picture. Everybody gets up in the middle and starts dancing.

BEHAR: They are over that now. There has been a rapprochement.

QUINN: What do you mean? We`re the last colony. We`re still the last colony.

BEHAR: What do you mean by that?

QUINN: I mean, Northern Ireland is still the last like British --

BEHAR: Of the British empire?

QUINN: Right.

BEHAR: They still own it.

QUINN: It`s the last piece. I wouldn`t say they own us but you know.

BEHAR: Yes. But anyway, who --

QUINN: They say jump, we say how high. My family is from Belfast. We don`t like that.

BEHAR: Is that so?

QUINN: Yes it is.

BEHAR: I thought they were from Brooklyn.

QUINN: They are from Brooklyn.

But what I think of the royal wedding, first of all, and I say this with total respect to Kate Middleton, she was dressed like a whore -- I`m kidding.

BEHAR: She was actually dressed like a nun.

QUINN: She was.

BEHAR: The thing on the head --

QUINN: It was kind of hot.

BEHAR: It was kind of hot, yes.

QUINN: I don`t like the fact that you called her a puta -- you called her whore in Italian two segments ago --

BEHAR: Only in the dress that was the see-through dress --

QUINN: I remember that number.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: -- a little bit then. but now she changed it.

QUINN: You like that? That`s the old school talk. I remember that number she was wearing. The king of Swaziland was there --

BEHAR: Yes.

QUINN: He was the only good dancer at the royal wedding. You always have the one black guy from the (INAUDIBLE) of his wedding. That was the king of Swaziland.

BEHAR: He could dance. He`s an evil guy. He`s an evil guy, Swaziland.

QUINN: What do you mean? How the hell do you know what the king of Swaziland is like?

BEHAR: I have -- I know all about it. He drives around a Mercedes Benz and his people are in the Prius.

QUINN: He sounds like my agent. What`s your problem? You`re calling my agent evil? You`re calling everybody we know in Hollywood is evil.

BEHAR: How did the English -- you know all this history. How did the English kings used to pick their wives? These two actually fell in love. She met him at St. Andrews and everything.

QUINN: Well, you were talking about King Henry VIII as if he was one of the scandals. But he never cheated on any of his women. He got tired of them and beheaded them and then he moved on. But he never cheated.

(CROSSTALK)

BEHAR: Did they behead them --

QUINN: He was honest. He would behead them because he didn`t want to be a cheater. He was like, Honey, you have to go.

BEHAR: I see. So it was like a mitzvah he was doing.

QUINN: Exactly.

BEHAR: It was a good deed. I see.

QUINN: I think eight is about right for guys too. Be honest, fellows. Eight and then you`ll be fine. That`s all he wanted.

BEHAR: all right. Well, the break-ups were tough, though. You couldn`t really get a divorce when Henry VIII was the king.

QUINN: That`s right. No, actually that`s why they left the Catholic -- that`s why they started the Church of England so he can get divorced, now that you think about it.

BEHAR: That`s right. Or else, we`d all be -- they would all be Catholic in England and they are not. That`s the big hype going on in Belfast.

QUINN: That`s correct.

BEHAR: But how many more years are they going to go on like this about it. It`s over. Move on.

QUINN: Well, it`s really -- it`s about a lot of other things. But I`ll tell you an interesting story. If you were honest, done a historic (INAUDIBLE). There was actually a king in England during the time of the Nazi Germany who stuttered a lot. This is a little known story.

BEHAR: "The King`s Speech".

QUINN: He got a guy to come in and help him and he gave a great speech on the eve of World War II. Just a little fun fact I picked up in my research.

BEHAR: Boy, you`re really very -- you really know a lot of stuff that nobody else knows, Colin. What other good things --

QUINN: You do your homework.

BEHAR: -- tidbits do you have?

QUINN: Well, Prince Charles used to be married to the mother of the kid that is getting married today. A lot of people don`t know that one either.

BEHAR: That`s true. Very good. So I invited you here as an expert and you`re fulfilling my wish.

BEHAR: I`m exceeding your wildest dreams/

BEHAR: What did you think of the kiss? Did you see the kiss?

QUINN: I thought the kiss was very English. Jesus.

BEHAR: Why? You mean just dainty and not really passionate?

QUINN: Yes. The Mafia kisses more intimately than that.

BEHAR: That`s right. Taking your vows in public like that, would you like that if you`ve got -- you`ve never married, right?

QUINN: No. Well, sort of, but I don`t want to talk about that.

BEHAR: A near miss?

QUINN: Yes. But I thought it was kind of weird that at the reception the Archbishop of Canterbury was the D.J. I thought that really took it -- played a lot of Lady Gaga and tongues are wagging. Let`s put it that way.

BEHAR: What about a gift? If you were going to send a gift to the royal family, what would it be?

QUINN: Well, actually -- the United States was going to send them Palestine but they said it was a re-gift from when they gave it to us.

BEHAR: There you go.

And about become Charles and Camilla, how do you feel about them?

QUINN: What do you mean?

BEHAR: As a couple, do you think that they are well suited? They certainly look --

QUINN: To give you an idea of how little I know about the royal family, I didn`t even know Charles and Camilla were a couple.

BEHAR: Seriously?

QUINN: No. I had no idea. I knew he was married to Diana and I thought he was flying solo.

BEHAR: No, no, no. He cheated on Diana with Camilla.

QUINN: I know. I heard that in the other segment.

BEHAR: Ok. So now that you know that, so what do you think about that?

QUINN: I didn`t know they were together. Are they still together?

BEHAR: They got married.

QUINN: And they`re still together.

BEHAR: Didn`t they get married? They got married and now she`s allowed at the wedding.

QUINN: What the hell is going on?

BEHAR: The bar-mitzvah. Ok. Thank you, Colin. If you`re in the New York area, you can see Colin`s show "Long Story Short" in June at Gill`s Hall and East Hampton.

QUINN: He`s here for one day and he`s taken over the rhythm of the show.

BEHAR: Play Hava Nagila.

Our champagne toast is next. But first let`s check in with Fergie one last time.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up next, Joy and her guests pick the favorite moments from today`s royal wedding.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BEHAR: Welcome back, everyone, to our own royal wedding after party. Back with me are the fabulous actresses Joan Collins, Lisa Rinna and reality star Lisa Vanderpump. Ok ladies, let`s talk about our weddings, ok?

RINNA: Sure.

BEHAR: First of all, Joan, you`ve been married many times. How many times?

COLLINS: Five.

BEHAR: Five. You`re catching up to Elizabeth Taylor.

COLLINS: I hope not where she is.

BEHAR: Well, of course. But let me ask you. Were you a virgin when you got married?

COLLINS: Yes.

BEHAR: On which wedding --

COLLINS: Well, the first -- what do you think?

BEHAR: Were you really a virgin?

COLLINS: Yes, yes, yes.

BEHAR: How old were you?

COLLINS: 18. That`s why I got married and it was a very big mistake. It only lasted for about a year. And that`s what you did in those days. You know, you got married and then you found out what it was all about on the wedding night.

BEHAR: Why, what happened? What happened on the wedding night?

COLLINS: Not a lot.

BEHAR: Not a lot. Well, maybe he was a virgin too, he didn`t know what to do.

COLLINS: No. Stupidly enough, he was my favorite actor when I was at school, when I was a schoolgirl. He was an actor. You would have never heard of him. He was a famous British actor. I met him. And he was very tall and he was 14 years older than me. Yes. So it was a huge mistake -- huge, huge, huge.

That`s what you do when you`re a virgin. You get married. You shouldn`t.

BEHAR: Yes. That`s true.

Let`s show pictures of your wedding because we have those pictures.

And Lisa, what about you? Were you a virgin on your --

RINNA: Oh, absolutely.

BEHAR: Somehow I don`t believe it.

RINNA: Oh, why, Joy?

BEHAR: How many years have you been married? You`re married to Harry Hamlin.

RINNA: Harry Hamlin. Well, I`m his third wife, you know, and I -- but it is my first and only, and we`ve been married 14 years which is 140 in Hollywood.

BEHAR: That`s very good. I mean do you have any tips for the couple on how to stay married?

RINNA: It sounds corny, but communication.

BEHAR: Communication.

RINNA: And therapy. Therapy`s good.

BEHAR: A lot of therapy. Have you done marriage counseling?

RINNA: Absolutely. If you need it. Little tune-ups.

BEHAR: We went to marriage counseling, we got a divorce right afterwards.

RINNA: That can happen because it can really bring it all up.

BEHAR: It takes it right there where you say things to each other. Lisa, how about you, darling?

VANDERPUMP: 30 years this year. Can you believe it?

BEHAR: What about the virgin question? You skipped that.

VANDERPUMP: Yes. Exactly. I wasn`t a virgin. I was a virgin on the ridiculous. How about that?

BEHAR: That`s cute. Anyway, you can check out Lisa Rinna on "Big Time Moms" May 7th on Nickelodeon.

And a special thanks to our wedding singer for the night, Kenny Woods. Thank you Kenny.

Thanks, everyone, for being a great part of our royal wedding after party.

Before we go, I want to propose a toast to the lovely couple. I wish them the best as the Brits say. Ok.

COLLINS: Cheerio.

END