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Joy Behar Page
Interview With Chelsea Handler; Interview With Paul Reiser
Aired May 11, 2011 - 22:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
JOY BEHAR, HOST: Sarah Palin and some of the right-wingers she hangs out with at the Moose Lodge are upset about the rapper Common performing at the White House. Apparently they don`t like some of his lyrics which go like this. I`m going to read them for you now,
Why they messing with Saddam? Burn a Bush cause for peace he no push no button, killing over oil and grease, no weapons of destruction. How can we follow a leader when this a corrupt one.
What`s the problem? I like it. Tell me you can`t see Kirstie Alley twirling to that next Monday night. I dare you.
Chelsea Handler has a funny late-night TV show and she`s an author who`s been on the New York Times best seller list longer than John Grisham and Snooki put together. Check out this clip from her show.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CHELSEA HANDLER, TALK SHOW HOST: Today marks the 700th episode of "Chelsea Lately". I always knew we`ll make it to 700 episodes. I just hope the last 600 would have been on a better network. I`m still awaiting your call, Animal Planet.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
VELEZ-MITCHELL: She`s the host of "Chelsea Lately" and her new book is "Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me". Please welcome comedian and talk show host, Chelsea Handler.
So Chelsea, you`re in late night and that is really good for the women because you probably are the only one doing it right now.
HANDLER: That I`m aware of. If there was another woman in late night right now then I would be sadly misinformed. If somebody hadn`t told me about that. But hopefully there will be more to follow; I would think so. There`s a lot of female comedians out there getting a lot of attention lately. So hopefully there will be more to come.
BEHAR: You think so?
HANDLER: I would want --
BEHAR: On NBC, CBS and ABC.
HANDLER: I don`t know. I mean whatever. I mean it doesn`t matter really what network you`re on any more, look at you and look at me. It doesn`t matter.
BEHAR: That`s true. But these networks like mind and yours; they have to find us.
HANDLER: They find us, but then, you get to do whatever you kind of want to do. So it`s better to be there than to be -- if I was on NBC and I had to follow their rules, obviously I wouldn`t have a show. I would be in some sort of --
BEHAR: No, they wouldn`t like you --
HANDLER: -- a quarantined area --
BEHAR: They wouldn`t let you do it.
HANDLER: -- where they were spraying me daily.
BEHAR: But I mean it could be that late night will be (INAUDIBLE) with women. I mean do you think Madeleine Albright will ever get a show, for example?
HANDLER: Well, she`s hilarious. So I don`t see why she wouldn`t.
BEHAR: I think she`s definitely in the running.
HANDLER: She`s hilarious and she`s sexy; and those are the two components.
BEHAR: Now, you hosted the VMAs, whatever those are.
HANDLER: Yes, well I tried to find out what they are also right after I agreed to host them. They`re the Video Music Awards -- VMAs -- Video Music Awards. Got it. Yes.
BEHAR: Ok. And you did that on MTV last year, and some of the critics said that you were vulgar. Can a woman be too (EXPLETIVE DELETED) vulgar, really?
HANDLER: It`s an interesting question. I think sometimes you can be. If you`re being vulgar for the sake of being vulgar, then yes, it`s too vulgar, but I`m not. I`ve always been this way. I`m not trying to shock people, that`s the way I speak.
And I was not nearly as vulgar as I can be on that night, that I recall. So, but -- if I paid attention to what critics say or said, have said about me I wouldn`t really be, you know, I wouldn`t have a career in the first place. So I don`t, I try not to let those kinds of things upset me.
BEHAR: I often tell people, they say to me, how come you just speak your mind all the time and don`t care? I say because no one told me to shut up. Did you have that kind of a childhood too?
HANDLER: No, everyone told me to shut up.
BEHAR: They did?
HANDLER: Yes, everyone -- people are still telling me to shut up, but I just don`t -- the more someone tells me not to do something the more I want to do it. It`s very --
BEHAR: Where`d you get that? How`d you get that little rebellious streak?
HANDLER: I think I just saw my parents and I thought -- I looked at when I was a little girl I looked at my parents and I thought, this is a joke. These people are jokes.
BEHAR: Yes. I understand.
HANDLER: You know what I mean? I just didn`t want to have a life like that. I was like, you guys aren`t even working. Like, do you have jobs? I was the youngest of six kids and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was like in a close age range she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser.
And so I was -- I just thought to myself, like, I looked at my parents and it`s a perfect example of how I don`t want my life to become. So I just wanted to work, work, work, you know, and be successful, make a lot of money and have decisions so I didn`t have to stay at a Holiday Inn.
BEHAR: Right.
HANDLER: You know.
BEHAR: Good move.
HANDLER: Like, they would take us on vacations, family vacations, and not make a reservation anywhere so we would end up like at a best Western or Holiday Inn. I`m like this is now way to go through life.
BEHAR: Did they have money?
HANDLER: They weren`t poor. We weren`t poor. We were just middle class, you know, somehow they managed to buy property on Martha`s Vineyard so that people think we have money but we didn`t really have money. I mean we weren`t starving but it wasn`t ideal.
BEHAR: Yes, you were more broke than poor.
HANDLER: Yes, broke, exactly.
BEHAR: Broke is the way to look at it.
HANDLER: Exactly. Yes.
BEHAR: But you have a Jewish father and a Mormon mother. How did they ever meet? Did they meet at an Osmond concert?
HANDLER: They -- my mom was German and she was over here from Germany visiting and then my father spotted her and I guess, you know, claimed her.
BEHAR: So a Jewish guy sees a German Mormon and says I must have her?
HANDLER: Well, he liked -- my mom was very -- she was very sexy. You know, she was easy, obviously, so he -- they had some love affair, you know, that of course went straight to the pot after they had four or five kids. Of course then she was looking at my father and was like, oh, my gosh, what a nightmare.
But it was just a great example of what not to do. You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think I`m the opposite of my parents.
BEHAR: So you won`t have any children?
HANDLER: No, no, I wouldn`t want to do that to a child or to a father of a child. No. I`m busy. You`re busy, you don`t have any children, right?
BEHAR: I have one yes, but she`s 40 years old.
HANDLER: Oh, sorry, sorry.
BEHAR: I have a grandson now. I mean it`s --
HANDLER: Oh, you`re a grandmother.
BEHAR: Yes, I`m a grandma.
HANDLER: See, that`s what I want to avoid by having a child is becoming a grandmother.
BEHAR: Why? That`s the best part. You don`t have to take any responsibility.
HANDLER: Yes. That is true. Yes.
BEHAR: So now let`s talk about the stand-up performance you did in December which fascinated me.
HANDLER: What was it?
BEHAR: Well, you went off on Angelina Jolie calling her an F-ing home wrecker and the C word.
HANDLER: Gosh yes.
BEHAR: Did she ever contact you?
HANDLER: We`ve been in touch. We`re very close. Yes. She loved it. She called me and said thank you.
BEHAR: That made -- that got a lot of press, that show.
HANDLER: Well, it shouldn`t have gotten a lot of press because I`ve been talking about Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother. And I`ve been -- as has everybody else. So, it`s silly that all of a sudden people were talking about it. And it was stupid. I mean I still -- you know, I always say that about, I talk about everybody. So that was really dumb.
BEHAR: Of you?
HANDLER: No, no, it was dumb of the media.
BEHAR: The media. Well, they thought that you were channeling your girlfriend Jennifer Aniston.
HANDLER: No, I would never do that. I would never speak for anyone else, you know, any of my friends. I`m speaking from my -- from my heart and soul when I call somebody a home wrecker.
BEHAR: Yes. I hear you. I hear you.
Now, let me ask you something about your show for a second before we go to a break. Do you ever get notes from the network?
HANDLER: I delete those immediately when I get them on my Blackberry. Sometimes they send me standards and practices notes and we have to kind of abide by those rules. But I don`t really take anything -- I`ve gotten to a place now -- I mean we just did our 700th or something episode, so they kind of leave me alone. It`s kind of a cake walk at this point. But I know what I can`t do. I don`t push it too far.
BEHAR: You`re on tape, they can bleep all that stuff.
HANDLER: They can bleep stuff, yes. I mean they would prefer I didn`t make fun of Asians as often as I do but --
BEHAR: Asians in particular?
HANDLER: Well, no. Asians, Jews, black people -- anybody, any sort of minority. I like to just make sure I focus on them a fair amount of time so that one group can`t get madder than the next.
BEHAR: I see.
I remember on The View, Rosie O`Donnell got in trouble because she sort of did a joke about the Asians and they went berserk on her.
HANDLER: Well, that`s the problem. If you apologize once then you never say anything again so I don`t apologize.
BEHAR: All comedians have to apologize at some point.
HANDLER: No, I haven`t and I won`t. I`d rather quit. I have enough money from my --
BEHAR: Do you.
HANDLER: Yes, I have picked up --
BEHAR: Well, you`ve made a fortune in these books, didn`t you?
HANDLER: No, I actually picked up an extra shift at Sizzler on the weekend so that`s where I make most of my income.
BEHAR: Ok. All right.
When we come back, I want to find out how you got Gwyneth Paltrow to curse out her grandmother. You were in on that?
HANDLER: No, I wasn`t in on it. I was there and I loved it.
BEHAR: Ok. We`re going to talk about it when we come back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
HANDLER: You had a grandmother named Mutti and she was -- I guess "Mutti" means mom in German.
GWYNETH PALTROW, ACTRESS: Right.
HANDLER: And my Mutti was a real bitch.
PALTROW: My Mutti was a real (EXPLETIVE DELETED).
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: That was a look at Gwyneth Paltrow opening up about her grandma on "Chelsea Lately." All the lip readers know what she said.
CHELSEA HANDLER: Yes. Well, that`s the unfortunate thing about bleeping, that you have to kind of read lips but --
BEHAR: But so what brought that out, all of a sudden. What made her do that? That doesn`t seem like Gwyneth.
HANDLER: I have no idea. We were just having a regular conversation and just -- I talked about my grandmother, we bought called our grandmothers Mutti because that`s German for mom. So she had -- and when I was reading her cookbook, I -- I saw it and I thought, oh. And so I just mentioned it and she said that, which was hilarious and perfect because Gwyneth Paltrow is you know, everyone thinks is so prim and proper and she is just -- she is a great girl, and she`s down to earth and she`s salty too.
So it was kind of funny to hear her say that.
BEHAR: Was your grandmother a --
(CROSSTALK)
HANDLER: My grandmother was a total bitch, she was a nightmare and she hated me.
BEHAR: And Gwyneth said her grandmother hated her too.
HANDLER: Yes. Obviously, German women, there`s a problem with them. I`m actually -- I`m coming after you next, ladies.
BEHAR: Don`t you like it when people criticize you? I love that.
HANDLER: I criticize myself all the time so I don`t really have a big problem with it.
BEHAR: No. You have to have a tough skin in this business. People are going to say whatever they want.
Now, this book, "Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me", which is -- which book is this, number four?
HANDLER: Number four, but that book is under my new imprint so I didn`t write that book, everyone -- all my friends and family, brothers and sisters wrote that book about me and I oversaw it and kind of added notes at the end of everyone`s chapter. I wrote little things and put in pictures, so it`s really good because everybody thinks that I`ve been lying about my entire life in all of my books. So we say, are these true stories?
And so I wanted people to contribute to a book to show, that yes, I`m not making up any of this. I mean I`m making up a lot of stuff but I`m not making up my own life.
BEHAR: I see. I was reading some of the things that you supposedly said is lie. But they sound more like practical jokes than lies.
HANDLER: Yes they`re more --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
HANDLER: -- I wouldn`t ever lie about something serious or be, I`m not a liar like that. No, I`m very to my detriment I`m very direct and I will always tell the truth.
BEHAR: Yes.
HANDLER: But I -- when I think -- I need to be amused constantly, so I like to play jokes on people or send e-mails from people`s accounts to other people --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Yes.
HANDLER: -- and kind of off the closet --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Like -- let me tell you what, you told one of the writers to leave his honeymoon for a "Time" magazine photo shoot. What happened then when you did that?
HANDLER: Well, he was so paranoid that he was going to missed out on being in "Time" magazine, because that was his parents dreams and the fact that it`s on my show and then we combined the fact that "Time" magazine would be doing a piece on us, to him it was just like, he couldn`t take it. He was like, oh, my God, his parents made him go to business school, he just had to go get his masters and he was just, he couldn`t believe that he would miss out on this opportunity.
So we kind of did it as a group collectively, sent him e-mails saying, you know, it`s such a shame you can`t be here for this, it`s "Time" magazine.
BEHAR: It`s so mean. It was really mean. It was evil.
HANDLER: It was really mean. And then once he finally booked the ticket to come back and leave his honeymoon early we told him it`s a lie. I didn`t tell him but we had someone tell him. And then --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: So what happened then?
HANDLER: Well, then I forwarded all the e-mails to his wife and I said you should see who you married.
BEHAR: What about this one? You sent a phony gay e-mail to an executive at E! from one of your producers. What did you say? I`m really in love with you or something?
HANDLER: I just kept, I started talking about the Gaza Strip and you know, Israel to try and get him because he sent an all wide company e-mail saying certain sections of Los Angeles were going to be closed this weekend because the Israeli consulate was going to be in town and all this. And so I just kept writing back, talking about this crisis in the Middle East and what our last line of defense is, and nonsense.
I mean there`s no reason you would ever respond to that e-mail in the first place, and the fact that this guy was getting, from this guy you`ve never met in our office and he was a gay man. So he was responding just to be courteous like, yes, I get it. Good luck with the voting because the elections were coming up, I`m like, I really need somebody`s ear. I really want to discuss who to vote for. I`m torn. And just, so totally inappropriate e-mails back and forth.
And then finally he -- I said, you know, I`m -- I`m gay and what I really want.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Is you.
HANDLER: Is you. And in my mouth or something like that. Anyway, they ended up, they ended up making plans for them to meet up in Palm Springs for the weekend. It was amazing.
And so that was definitely, yes, that was one of my highlights. It`s fun to --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Well, you made a match.
HANDLER: But we do it with groups of people in the office so you`ll find us in the office and I mean, literally I`ve peed in my pants from laughing. Because we do it collectively so we`re just laughing so hard.
And people now when they leave their computers, I mean it`s no more fun for me to even go to work because everybody has locks and double passwords and they walk down the hallway with their computer which sometimes is a desktop so that`s awkward.
BEHAR: Have you ever checked an email -- e-mails from a boyfriend or a lover?
HANDLER: Yes, all the time. I always do that.
BEHAR: Yes.
HANDLER: I go into people`s Blackberries all the time. I have no problem with that whatsoever.
BEHAR: What did you find out about a boyfriend?
HANDLER: Oh I`ve always found stuff. Every time you look there`s always some stupid flirty thing with somebody or something. But as long as you don`t find anything, you know, I mean I do the same thing but I don`t have any problem with -- I`m not one of those people like, you can`t look at my stuff. You can`t look at my private -- like you go through my Blackberry if you want to.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: Yes there`s nothing there that they don`t know --
HANDLER: Good luck yes
BEHAR: -- they haven`t seen.
HANDLER: I`m telling you everything any way.
BEHAR: It`s impressive that you have your own imprint. I`m fascinated by that. How do you get something like that?
HANDLER: You have to sell a lot of books I think.
BEHAR: It means like -- you`re like a publisher.
HANDLER: I am. I know, it`s such a joke, too.
BEHAR: Well, your books are very popular. I mean I have an assistant here, she lives -- lives for you. When she sees you she`s going to get so happy.
HANDLER: Oh why isn`t she here? Did you fire her?
BEHAR: No, no she moved on to MTV. They paid her more money.
HANDLER: Oh yes. MTV is known for their huge budget.
BEHAR: Just shows you what kind of budget we have here.
Now, is there one person that you`re dying to have on your show? People always ask me that. I never have an answer.
HANDLER: I don`t really -- I used to say David Hasselhoff, but as I`ve said this so many times as a joke, obviously.
BEHAR: Well, he`s been here.
HANDLER: Has he?
BEHAR: Yes.
HANDLER: Really?
BEHAR: He was here with his daughters. Weird.
HANDLER: Oh when was that?
BEHAR: How long ago was that? Ages ago, yes.
HANDLER: Well, he said he won`t come on my show. He`s scared of me, he said. I don`t know why he would feel that way.
BEHAR: Why? What is he scared of?
HANDLER: Probably he`s scared of staying sober long enough for me to interview him. Was he sober when he was here?
BEHAR: I don`t know, was he?
HANDLER: Just out of curiosity.
BEHAR: He was.
HANDLER: He was with his daughters so he probably has to stay sober.
BEHAR: Yes, yes, yes.
HANDLER: No burgers, no alcohol.
BEHAR: All right.
So let`s see. I mean, I`m just fascinated by the fact that you`re such an important author all this time.
HANDLER: Well, it`s funny that I am an important author because I didn`t even graduate from college, you know. and I`m sure you have done commencement speeches before?
BEHAR: No, I`m never asked.
HANDLER: Well, ok, really? Really?
BEHAR: I mean, they ask Snooki. They don`t ask me.
HANDLER: That`s really embarrassing.
BEHAR: It is, I`m humiliated by that.
HANDLER: Well, I think it`s a good example. As a good example, I did one at Emory this weekend because my brother graduated from there and I forwarded my sister the e-mail when they asked me to do the commencement speech and my sister said, oh, my God, this is getting ridiculous.
Now you`re doing commencement speeches? You didn`t even -- you went to community college for a month. And -- but I think it`s just a great testament you know with all the books and I`m -- first of all, I love this book because you know, I didn`t have to work so hard at writing it as the other ones. But I -- I think it`s a testament to like you know, you can just do kind of whatever you want. You really can in this business.
BEHAR: I know, it`s incredible.
HANDLER: And people have all these archetypes about the way they think things are supposed to happen and late night shows and they`re supposed to be this format. And you can`t put a little person on a TV show and you can`t do this and everyone`s like you can`t write a book about one- night stands and people are saying -- they`re always telling you, you can`t, you can`t, you can`t.
BEHAR: Right.
HANDLER: And what I`ve been thinking a lot about lately is you really can. You can create your own TV show. You can be, you know, author, a performer, a writer, a comedian. You can do whatever you want to do. And people, I think respond because they know that you`re being truthful, you know. You`re not fitting into somebody else`s idea of what you should be.
BEHAR: Yes.
HANDLER: And so it`s nice to kind of create your own opportunities especially as a woman. And I hate to ride that horse because I hate when people are like, is it hard being a woman --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: They`ll ride it.
HANDLER: -- in comedy because I actually think it`s easier being a woman in comedy.
BEHAR: You do?
HANDLER: Yes, I mean you get noticed more quickly, you know, if you`re -- if you`re funny.
BEHAR: It`s hard to make them laugh, though. It`s a little harder when you have a lot of drunken guys in the audience
HANDLER: Well, yes, that`s hard, but I mean I`m usually drunk anyway.
BEHAR: One time I opened for Buddy Rich, the drummer --
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: You know the famous drummer?
HANDLER: Yes, Buddy Rich from my --
BEHAR: He`s like an old, old school.
HANDLER: Then I don`t know him. Never mind.
BEHAR: He had a whole audience of drummers from Queens who were just using their sticks drumming while I was on stage. And I said, listen, Buddy will be out, he`s doing a little cocaine. Get off, they`re yelling. Get off. That was hard for 50 bucks.
We`ll be back with more.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: I`m back with Chelsea Handler. So you`re doing stand-up again?
HANDLER: I`m doing this tour for the book, the "Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me"; it`s the "Lies Tour", so we`re going to have three of the authors from the "Cleaning the Road" (ph) chapters in the book that are on the show, they`re going to open for me and I`m going to go, and then we`re going to do a big Q&A. So we`re doing, you know, every city, Denver, Phoenix, whatever -- blah, blah, blah -- Chicago.
BEHAR: Do you like to do that? Do you like to travel and do stand- up?
HANDLER: I do. I like, I like -- even though it`s hard -- it`s a hard kind of -- it`s hard to spend all that time traveling, you know.
BEHAR: But you have your friends with you.
HANDLER: Yes, well, I work with these people, too. I don`t need to be spending extra time on planes with them. But yes, I do, it`s good for the fans. I think it`s really -- I`m really grateful that I have a career, so I like to be able to show up for them. And I think it`s important for the book, and you know, they like it. If people want to spend money to see you perform then you should perform.
BEHAR: Right. That`s true.
HANDLER: I think so.
BEHAR: Not everybody can get them into those seats.
HANDLER: No, no. Right. Exactly.
BEHAR: Ok. Here`s a couple of Facebook questions. You were offered "Dancing with the Stars" but you turned it down. Why?
HANDLER: Because I have a job.
BEHAR: You don`t have time. Ok. It is a full time job.
HANDLER: That is a ridiculous program. You will never see me dancing.
BEHAR: Me either. I hate it. I mean, I watch it sometimes because it`s like --
HANDLER: I can`t even watch it. I can`t even watch it. Obviously I had to watch when Kirstie Alley was on. I wanted to see what was going to happen to the floor, but I just didn`t -- I can`t watch that show.
BEHAR: She`ll get you for that.
HANDLER: She -- no, she hates me already, it`s ok.
BEHAR: Well, she hates me too. What is that?
HANDLER: She`s mad because we make fun of her. I`m sure.
BEHAR: I never made a fat joke about her.
HANDLER: Oh, well, she hates me because -- I know why she hates me. And I sleep well at night, so I`m ok with that.
BEHAR: Is it true Chelsea broke up with 50 Cent. Did you go out with him?
HANDLER: Not seriously. I just fooled around a little bit, you know. I was just landscaping the atmosphere, trying to see what`s out there, if I still like chocolate.
BEHAR: Do you still like chocolate.
HANDLER: I liked it for a little bit but not long-term.
BEHAR: I see. What`s your color?
HANDLER: I don`t really have a color. I`m kind of like open to anything. But, you know.
BEHAR: Are you dating anyone now?
HANDLER: I am.
BEHAR: Tell me.
HANDLER: Tell you what?
BEHAR: Tell me about him?
HANDLER: He doesn`t want me to talk about him publicly.
BEHAR: You don`t have to tell me his name.
HANDLER: I didn`t say it was a man. Let`s be friends -- no, he doesn`t want to -- I have to try to -- this is the new part of my life where I`m trying to respect other people in my life instead of exploiting and humiliating them. How am I doing?
BEHAR: You`re doing great.
One more question, how did you meet your assistant sidekick Chewy? Is Chewy the little person?
HANDLER: I met -- yes, he`s the little person. Thanks for watching, Joy. He`s what I call little nugget. He`s like 4`3 and he weighs about 150 pounds, which is kind of like my favorite measurement.
BEHAR: Oh, I like that.
HANDLER: Yes, he`s cute.
BEHAR: So where`d you find him?
HANDLER: He was -- I saw him on the road, I think, probably selling fruit in L.A. or something. He`s a little Mexican is what he is. And he`s fat and he looks like something out of Super Mario Brothers. And I had to have him. So I got him.
BEHAR: I love that you put somebody like that on your show. As you said before, don`t let them tell you what to do.
HANDLER: No. No. Don`t let them tell you what to do.
BEHAR: I know.
Ok, darling, thanks very much for stopping by. Her new book is "Lies that Chelsea Handler Told Me". And be sure to go to ChelseaHandler.com for more information on the live comedy tour.
Stay right there.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Coming up a little later on THE JOY BEHAR SHOW, "Mad about You" star Paul Reiser drops by to talk about his new book "Familihood".
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Sarah Ferguson, also known as the duchess of York, appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show today to talk about not being invited to the royal wedding. Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SARAH FERGUSON, DUCHESS OF YORK: It was so difficult because I wanted to be there with my girls and to be getting them dressed and to go as a family. And also, it was so hard because the last bride up that aisle was me.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: It`s sad that her daughters got to go and she didn`t. I`m sure she also wanted to wear a hat that looked like an IUD with a bow.
Here to talk about Fergie`s royal dis and others in the news are Rob Shuter, AOL`s PopEater columnist. Countess Luann de Lesseps, the countess is here, co-star of the "Real Housewives of New York." And John Fugelsang, actor and comedian, currently starring in the off-Broadway show "Laughing Liberally." Welcome to the show.
Luanne, now, you are a countess, as I pointed out.
COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS, REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK: Yes.
BEHAR: Do you identify with the royalty and the dissing and the whole thing here?
DE LESSEPS: Yes, I understand it. I understand why they didn`t invite her. I feel sorry because people make mistakes, but I think she should be happy to be close to Prince Andrew and have a good relationship with her husband.
BEHAR: She does have that.
DE LESSEPS: And her ex-husband and her children. And I think it`s more important. And you know, the royal wedding is over, right?
BEHAR: You`re a Brit.
ROB SHUTER, AOL`S POPEATER COLUMNIST: I feel terrible for her. I feel really sad for her. She`s really messed everything up. But what she shouldn`t be doing, what the royal family do not want her to do is sit down with Oprah and tell this. This is exactly why they don`t like Sarah Ferguson. She won`t shut up.
BEHAR: But (inaudible), they hate her any way, what does she care?
SHUTER: Exactly.
BEHAR: Might as well get some publicity for herself.
DE LESSEPS: And a show, right? Isn`t she doing a show--
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: She has a show on Own.
JOHN FUGELSANG, ACTOR/COMEDIAN: Well, I have it on good authority the queen did not want her there because the queen is still upset about the song "My Humps" and got the wrong Fergies confused. But you know what, it`s so easy--
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: She`s not senile yet.
FUGELSANG: It`s so easy to not alienate the royals. All you have to do is marry into this family, be rich for life, never work and pretend to be in love with someone you`re not. That`s all you have to do.
(CROSSTALK)
(LAUGHTER)
DE LESSEPS: She`s not rich for life. She didn`t get the money that Di got.
BEHAR: That`s the problem. I know.
DE LESSEPS: That was the problem. That`s what got her into the problem she had.
FUGELSANG: But also, you know, I think the whole thing of, like, illegally trying to sell access to your ex-husband didn`t really look too good for the family.
DE LESSEPS: It looked terrible. She crossed the line and that`s the problem.
BEHAR: But he does not care. He`s on the phone with her during the wedding or something.
SHUTER: They still live together.
(CROSSTALK)
SHUTER: They live together in London.
BEHAR: So it was really more of a disgrace to the family. But anyway.
DE LESSEPS: She has a reputation that they have to uphold. I mean, they are the royal family of England so they do have a reputation to uphold.
FUGELSANG: And the giant spider ovary hat went for her. So--
DE LESSEPS: Yes, that`s right. I mean, Fergie, she should have been there to dress those girls, because you know, I would have played it totally cool and classic if I were to go with the girls to the wedding.
(CROSSTALK)
FUGELSANG: You would not have a married man suck on your toes in front of the royal family.
(CROSSTALK)
FUGELSANG: Not yours, of course.
SHUTER: Of course not.
BEHAR: A couple of other things from the Oprah show that were kind of interesting. I mean, first of all, she realizes that she did the snob -- that she was snubbed for a good reason. But the one that really got to me was that when she makes mention of Princess Di. Watch this.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
FERGUSON: I think Diana would be so proud of her son. And both of them. You know, they did a great job. And I sort of really love the feeling that -- sort of Diana and I, we both weren`t there, but I`m here to say how proud she would have been.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: Disgraced family, dead. They are not equal. I`m sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
DE LESSEPS: I don`t know where she pulled that one out. She pulled that one out of some crazy hat. I don`t know. That was from -- that was the weirdest comment. And no doubt Di would have been proud, but Di`s not here. And to compare yourself to Di was just, you know, weird.
SHUTER: Sarah has a very high opinion of herself. I`ve known her for a couple of years, and she certainly does think of herself as a royal highness, which she still is, she still has the title. And I`m not at all surprised she put herself in the same category as Diana.
BEHAR: How come they gave her the title? They let her--
SHUTER: Because she did not get the money. Diana got the money, but no title. Diana lost HRH, but got a huge cash settlement.
BEHAR: She (inaudible), she should have taken the money.
SHUTER: But you would have thought HRH would have been worth a fortune. She could have played clubs--
(CROSSTALK)
FUGELSANG: Her royal highness.
BEHAR: Her royal highness.
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: HRH--
FUGELSANG: It sounds like a horrible woman`s disease. To get that, you know, she got the Weight Watchers money, and it was brilliant to watch. It was a beautiful wedding. I liked when the men were all in their military uniform like Sergeant Pepper`s Inbred German Royals Club Band.
BEHAR: By the way, the hat, the infamous Beatrice hat is being auctioned on eBay. What do you think it will bring in? Would you bid on it?
DE LESSEPS: Not me, darling. I think it`s a really thing that it`s being auctioned. I don`t think she`ll have any use for it again.
BEHAR: Why, it`s a great conversation piece.
(LAUGHTER)
DE LESSEPS: I think it`s great for somebody to have as a memento.
SHUTER: (inaudible) about $3,000 is what she paid for it, so maybe she`ll get a little more.
BEHAR: She`ll get more.
FUGELSANG: I would send it into the Fukushima plant to stop the radiation.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: I know you like this topic, but we`re moving on to another one. Arnold Schwarzenegger made his first public comments since he and his wife, Maria Shriver, announced they are separating after 25 years of marriage. Take a look.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, FORMER GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA: I just talked to Maria an hour ago before I came here, and we both were saying the same thing. We`re amazed to be extremely blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people, so many wonderful friends. We both love each other very much. We are very fortunate that we have four extraordinary children. And we`re taking it one day at a time.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: I think the Terminator is verklempt.
SHUTER: He seemed pretty emotional.
BEHAR: Yes. What do you think?
SHUTER: I think it`s really sad. I can`t imagine being married that long and now deciding to call it off.
BEHAR: Oh, it happens every day. Grow up.
(LAUGHTER)
DE LESSEPS: I hope he`s going to stick to his line, which is, I`ll be back. And, you know? And that they`ll try and make it work. Not that it, you know, it will, but I think there`s nothing wrong with saying that, even though they`re separating, they still love each other. You know, you have a family, you have to love each other. It is sad. I mean, I hate to see any marriage --
BEHAR: Do you love your ex-husband?
DE LESSEPS: I do love my ex-husband, I do. He`s the father of my children. He`s a great guy.
BEHAR: Then why didn`t you stay married then if he`s such a great guy?
DE LESSEPS: It didn`t work out. When things don`t work out, you know, sometimes it`s better to part.
BEHAR: So it`s not enough to be -- to just love each other?
DE LESSEPS: I think you love each other a certain way, like as parents and respecting each other, but sometimes you just can`t love each other the way that you want to be loved. And I think that`s really important. What`s life without being loved, like, loved?
(CROSSTALK)
BEHAR: You`re talking about sex now, aren`t you?
DE LESSEPS: Yes. Absolutely.
(LAUGHTER)
FUGELSANG: Or you can be Charlie Sheen and have a room full of people--
(CROSSTALK)
FUGELSANG: I think it`s sad but let`s keep a few things in mind. They may still get back together. Also, 25 years, that`s six marriages in Hollywood, really. And you know, and again, we`ve all heard the rumors of Schwarzenegger`s philandering, the rumors, the innuendo, the irrefutable first-person accounts, we`ve all heard them. But you know what, it`s -- I`ve got to say, if that`s true, Arnold, you don`t cheat on a Kennedy, they cheat on you.
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: Get with the program. Get with the program.
(CROSSTALK)
FUGELSANG: But I mean, that said, if the daughter of the guy who invented the Special Olympics and son of a Nazi can`t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
(LAUGHTER)
BEHAR: I mean, she is a Kennedy but even she has her limits. Apparently he can`t keep his pants up. You know?
FUGELSANG: Again, that`s just innuendo and loads of first-person accounts.
BEHAR: All right. OK, now I want to talk about one of your favorite subjects. Sarah Palin and other right-wingers are objecting to rapper Common being invited to the White House for a poetry event. They say some of his past lyrics have been violent and even took aim at George W. Bush.
FUGELSANG: A rapper attacking Bush?
BEHAR: Can I just read you one line that he wrote? OK. Why they messing with Saddam? No, why they messing with Saddam? Burn a Bush, `cause for peace he no push no button.
FUGELSANG: Yes. That`s--
BEHAR: Grammatically I take issue, but --
DE LESSEPS: It`s a biblical thing.
FUGELSANG: Exactly. And a lot of people missed that. And if you have actually read the Bible, Ms. Palin, you`ll know that burning bush is a biblical reference. And that`s not even one of his songs. That was a poem he did for HBO`s Def Poetry. Common is exactly the kind of rapper that Republicans should be embracing. He`s pro-family, he does Queen Latifah romantic comedies. Sarah Palin defended Dr. Laura after saying the N word 11 times in five minutes, and she`s getting uppity now? I don`t think so.
BEHAR: What about the crosshairs on the Gabrielle Giffords website? How about that?
FUGELSANG: Exactly. She`s really in no position for it. Again, you know, I mean, it`s not like they invited Wu Tang Clan and Flava Flav to come to the White House for poetry night.
BEHAR: Oh, I love them. Why didn`t they invite them?
FUGELSANG: I know, really.
(CROSSTALK)
DE LESSEPS: He really is one of the most positive as far as rap artists go. Right?
(CROSSTALK)
SHUTER: I think they really tried to pick somebody that would not offend, and, of course, it did offend.
FUGELSANG: Sarah Palin is just trying -- her purpose in life is to have people talking about her, so we`re doing it because she`s hilarious, the quitter on Twitter.
BEHAR: Hey, the quitter on Twitter. Thank you guys very much. You can see the countess on the new season of "Real Housewives of New York" Thursday nights on Bravo. And catch John performing in Syracuse Saturday night with the Stephanie Miller Sexy Liberal Comedy Tour. Back in a minute.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BEHAR: Actor, comedian and author Paul Reiser has been happily married to the same woman for 22 years and unlike certain people he`s managed to do it without the aid of herbal Viagra. In his new book, "Familyhood", he writes about marriage, kids and mid-life, so please help me welcome to the show, Paul Reiser. Applause, applause, applause.
PAUL REISER, AUTHOR, "FAMILYHOOD": Applause. Oh.
BEHAR: OK. It`s a sad group, but they`re here.
REISER: But it`s our group.
BEHAR: It`s our group. All right. Now, I was reading that you`re married for 22 years.
REISER: Yes.
BEHAR: And ...
REISER: I have no joke there.
BEHAR: No, there`s no joke.
REISER: No.
BEHAR: Because I`m ...
REISER: To the same woman.
BEHAR: I know, to the same woman.
REISER: Consecutive, yeah.
BEHAR: Did you know that Maria and Arnold have split up?
REISER: Yes. You cannot put that on me. I had nothing to do with it. Are there rumors? No.
BEHAR: After 25 ...
REISER: 25 years.
BEHAR: And some people were talking about how, you know, how come after all those years when you`ve really gotten through the worst part of it, why bother getting a divorce then?
REISER: I don`t know.
BEHAR: I mean ...
REISER: You`d have to ask them. It seems-- who knows? Who knows.
BEHAR: I mean what would you do? I mean would you ...
REISER: It`s -- Well, first of all, I have never been governor of a major state.
BEHAR: No.
REISER: I imagine that`s taxing on a marriage. I`ve been, you know, I`ve been governor of little states, but ...
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: You know, in the middle there.
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: So, so, you know, it`s not the same strain.
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: But also you have to keep in mind, we`re very different people, Arnold Schwarzenegger and me. I don`t know if you know that.
BEHAR: Well, you`re built similarly. But ...
REISER: We`re built similarly but different sensibilities ...
BEHAR: Yeah.
REISER: And I don`t know what it`s like to be married to him. I`m told being married to me it`s a dream.
BEHAR: Really?
REISER: It`s like -- I`m like -- I`m just a remarkable pussycat. All roses and perfect.
BEHAR: Really?
REISER: Yes.
BEHAR: Did you waterboard her to get that information out of her?
REISER: What we do in our home is none of our business.
BEHAR: OK. So now I was reading on Twitter that you`re a little peeved.
REISER: Right off the bat with the Twitter.
BEHAR: You were peeved that your show was canceled after two episodes?
REISER: No, people don`t realize, that`s the publicity thing.
BEHAR: Oh.
REISER: The truth is the show ...
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: ... was a big promotion, a whole complex thing, just to sell the book. We get a little publicity, oh, there`s a show, oh, now there`s no show, it creates an interest.
BEHAR: That`s right.
REISER: What the heck happened to him? Boom, come out with a book. Is that clever?
BEHAR: It`s brilliant strategy.
REISER: It`s expensive, it`s time consuming, but it is working.
BEHAR: I mean ...
REISER: It is working.
BEHAR: It`s very good.
REISER: Yeah, we`ve been -- the book is out a few days, it sold over 14 copies so far. That`s just in domestic, so we`re very, very hopeful.
BEHAR: That`s good. That`s ...
REISER: And here`s the beauty, you cannot cancel a book.
BEHAR: No.
REISER: Because the show, they want you to watch the book -- watch the show right away.
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: You`ve got to see a movie on Friday or they take it away Saturday.
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: A book, you could buy it Tuesday, you don`t have to read it Tuesday.
BEHAR: You could read it in ten years.
REISER: Yes. There`s no rush. It`s yours.
BEHAR: That`s right.
REISER: Take your time. You can go back and read it again. Well, a movie, you can`t -- they can`t say, what did he say? Too late. Moving on.
BEHAR: I know. It`s true.
REISER: That`s why I think a book is really the best.
BEHAR: But you know, do you think it has something to do with the fact, the cancellation, that it was up against "American Idol?"
REISER: Do people watch "American Idol?" I was told that was on its way down, but apparently people still watch that.
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: Yes, so, it was a lovely show business experience. We`re going to give you no lead up, and we`re not spending literally a nickel on the promotion and you`ll be up against "American Idol." And I said, might that be problematic?
BEHAR: Let me take a guess, NBC.
REISER: Yes. And as I`ve said, you don`t -- you know, when you`re the last place network, they`re fifth out of four networks, they`re in fifth place. And when you achieve a level like that, you don`t -- you don`t want to jeopardize that standing so, you know, why take a risk on a show that perhaps in three or four weeks will find its wings. But, you know, no bitterness. You said peeved.
BEHAR: But the good news is that you know, you don`t have to do the grind of a daily thing anymore.
REISER: There`s that.
BEHAR:
REISER: Believe me, I`m there already. I said, well, I`m disheartened because it was a great show, I`m disheartened that it got bobbled but we don`t have to come up with 22 scripts by next week. So that`s good.
BEHAR: See.
REISER: I have my afternoons free again.
BEHAR:
REISER: Which gives us our time back.
BEHAR: Exactly.
REISER: Yes.
BEHAR: OK, so, now the book ...
REISER: Yes.
BEHAR: It`s the third book, "Familyhood" after "Couplehood" and "Babyhood."
REISER: Yes.
BEHAR: Do you have like that ...
REISER: Do you see the theme?
BEHAR: Yes, I see a theme building here.
REISER: Next is "I`msotiredhood" and "Working My Way Towards Deathood," which I must make a note to write before my own death ...
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: ... because afterwards it`s so hard to sit down and ...
BEHAR: Are you afraid to die?
REISER: I accept your challenge, go. I`m not afraid to die.
BEHAR: No.
REISER: My fear is that I would not die.
BEHAR: Ever.
PR : Yes. And then like, you know, I`m not going to know anybody. I`ve outlived everybody I know ...
BEHAR: Yes, yes, yes.
REISER: I`ll be so old.
BEHAR: Well, that`s not going to happen so don`t worry about that.
REISER: So I will die.
BEHAR: You will die.
REISER: Am I glad we spoke.
BEHAR: See the good news? You`re going to die, the show is canceled, you can have lunch.
REISER: Yeah, and people said you would be a downer. I don`t see that. No!
BEHAR: Everything`s coming up roses.
REISER: Yes! This is nothing but uplifting!
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: There`s a handgun in my bag.
BEHAR: Shoot yourself.
REISER: No, not me, babe.
BEHAR: Now, you made a list about growing up.
REISER: Yes.
BEHAR: Things I`m not crazy about, my family. What`s on the list?
REISER: I -- you know, you make mental notes when you`re growing up, which is why when you have kids of your own you want to do it a little differently. I had -- you know, minor things I wanted. My dad was a great dad but he was working all the time, so I made a note, I`m going to be home. I`m going to be home. So the last ten years I was basically, I was home, thinking my kids would appreciate this, until they one day said, Dad ...
BEHAR: Get out!
REISER: Get out. We get it. We see what you look like. Give somebody else a chance. Get out in the world and mingle, for God`s sake. We get it. Let mom stay home. You go do something. So, you know, we had -- but it doesn`t always work. Your best plans to try and, you know, adjust your family in the best way, it doesn`t happen. You end up screwing them up, but just in a different direction.
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: So like, you know, my family growing up, we never -- there was not a lot of communication. We didn`t -- you know, if you had a thought, you weren`t really encouraged to speak your mind if you had a problem with somebody, so things were swept under the rug. I said now, with my family, new and improved Reiser family, we`re going to do things differently, we`re going to talk whatever is on your mind, and again my kids go, Dad, too much, too much talking. We just -- too much information. So there`s no winning, is my point. You cannot win.
BEHAR: I see. OK. The other thing you say in the book.
REISER: Oh, I say many things. It`s a big thick book.
BEHAR: No, I had to pick a few things that interested me.
REISER: Yeah, and by -- It`s thick enough, by the way, that even if you don`t read it, it`s a lovely coaster.
BEHAR: Yes. It is.
REISER: When you`re done, you put it there, you put a hot coffee on there, you won`t stain the wood.
BEHAR: That`s true.
REISER: It, you know ...
BEHAR: You could put it right on top of your face. Now, you say in the book there`s, quote, this is a quote, "Great liberation, there`s great liberation in being a simpleton." Is this why George Bush always seems so happy? I mean I found that very interesting. What do you mean?
REISER: Well, there`s a little -- there`s a story I tell in there where if -- I was walking with my wife on the beach. On a rare opportunity, a lovely beach, and we stumbled, it was a lovely day, and we stumble upon a dead goat. On the beach.
BEHAR: Again?
REISER: The same one!
BEHAR: OK.
REISER: So, we were intrigued. I said, oh, a dead goat. My wife was really intrigued, she said, where would that come from? I don`t know. But anyway, so we kept walking and she said, wait a second, why would there be a goat? And she was really -- she needed to know the answer.
BEHAR: Sure.
REISER: I didn`t really -- I said, whatever. Honey, it`s a miracle, it`s a -- there`s got to be some reason. As we walk, she`s increasingly -- increasingly perturbed but now she`s not upset about the goat, she`s upset that I`m not as upset about the goat as she is.
BEHAR: Right.
REISER: I go, would you be happier if I was upset about the fricking goat? Yes, I would feel you were respecting me and hearing me. OK, I`m upset about the goat. And I said, I really did -- I just -- God put the goat there. I`m a simpleton. And I had the rest of my afternoon free, whereas she had to work through the goat issue and her animosity towards me.
BEHAR: I got it. I got it. It`s a brilliant strategy. So, so we`re going to be talking a little bit more. We come back after this very short commercial.
REISER: Sure.
BEHAR: No flipping.
REISER: No flipping.
BEHAR: As Larry said (inaudible).
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
REISER: It`s amazing, (inaudible). I kind of like it. I like it. I don`t know why they`re traveling, first of all. Where are they going? You know what I mean? They got job interviews? Where are they going?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
BEHAR: That was the very funny and fully-haired Paul Reiser ...
REISER: Yes.
BEHAR: ... doing standup back at Caroline (ph).
REISER: Again, that was all a setup. I went with big, bushy hair for 20, 30 years so that now when I get the hair how I like it, it will be like refreshing.
BEHAR: I know. But you kept your hair. It looks great.
REISER: Yes.
BEHAR: Do you still do standup?
REISER: I haven`t been. And just lately I started to dip my toe back in the water. It`s very fun.
BEHAR: Really?
REISER: Yeah.
BEHAR: Where did you dip your toe?
REISER: I dipped my toe, my comedic toe, I went when I was in New York last summer I went up with the comic strip, told a few jokes ...
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: And ...
BEHAR: Did you find it hard to ...
REISER: Well, it was -- it was interesting, because I was doing jokes about my life, and, you know, having kids and being a little older, and, you know, you put on weight when you hit 50s and -- and I look at the audience and they`re 12. They`re 12 years old.
BEHAR: I know. I know. We`re too old for ...
REISER: How many of you notice when your second kid is going to school --- they`re 12.
BEHAR: One time they just yelled out to me do you know Shakira? And I was like, no.
REISER: What I do as now, I just tell the jokes as I intend them. And I say just trust me, this is funny. In 30 years from now, you will find this amusing.
BEHAR: It`s a delayed laugh.
REISER: Yeah, why not? It is a delayed laugh. But I`ve built up enough confidence with today`s youth that they trust me.
BEHAR: But in your -- in your ...
REISER: In my day.
BEHAR: In your ...
REISER: In the `40s, yes.
BEHAR: ... standup when you were really doing it a lot.
REISER: There was -- I was with Ray Milland (ph).
REISER: We had ...
BEHAR: "Lost Weekend."
REISER: No, whether -- we had a whole song and dance thing.
BEHAR: I remember your act. You were very funny.
REISER: Thank god!
BEHAR: Yes. And you -- your personal is that you were every man.
REISER: I`m every man.
BEHAR: Right.
REISER: It could be everywhere at every time.
BEHAR: But now that you`re extremely wealthy from your sitcom, "Mad About You."
REISER: Right now I`m just sitting here losing money.
BEHAR: Yeah. And, you know, in the book, there`s millions you`re going to make on this. Are you still everyman? Can you relate to it?
REISER: I`m just some men.
BEHAR: Not every man.
REISER: It`s exhausting to be every man.
BEHAR: It is some. A few wealthy ...
REISER: Some men and then ultimately just like one or two guys. And I go, you`re not -- that Reiser, is he everyman? He`s like one or two guys. But if I find those two guys in an audience, oh, will they enjoy it.
BEHAR: Now, what do you think -- what did you think of Gilbert Gottfried and how he got in so much trouble over this ...
REISER: This is why people should not Twitter. Do you understand?
BEHAR: Yes.
REISER: It`s a dangerous thing. Because you think you`re talking to your friends. Hey, we are all friends! Kiss to the world.
BEHAR: I know. You have to be careful.
REISER: I don`t -- I don`t talk to the world.
BEHAR: No. But do you think they should have fired him from Aflac?
REISER: I have a list of all my concerns ...
BEHAR: Yes, that`s not on it.
REISER: It`s a big list. I`m concerned about a lot of things, this, you know, and I love Gilbert but ...
BEHAR: OK. Well, it`s lovely to see you.
REISER: Lovely to see you!
BEHAR: I haven`t seen you in years. It`s always fun.
REISER: You look ever, ever more lovely every time I see you.
BEHAR: Thank you so much. You`re so sweet.
REISER: I`m every man.
BEHAR: You`re every man. I wish every man would say that to me.
REISER: They will.
BEHAR: His new book is called "Familyhood." Thank you for watching, good night, everybody. Take your time. So, good night, Paul.
REISER: Good night.
Good night.
END
