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CNN Live At Daybreak

Mother Teresa At Times Felt Separate From God

Aired September 07, 2001 - 08:08   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
KYRA PHILLIPS, CNN ANCHOR: Now, a pretty amazing story here: Letters said to be handwritten by Mother Teresa reveal that the nun at times felt abandoned by God. She is said to have written them in the 1950s and '60s.

CNN's New Delhi bureau chief, Satinder Bindra, looks at Mother Teresa's letters of faith, or apparent lack thereof.

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SATINDER BINDRA, CNN CORRESPONDENT (voice-over): The Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 cemented Mother Teresa's image as a strong-willed and dedicated servant of both the Catholic Church and the poor.

But these letters, not widely read until now, portray a different trailer, and at times, deeply traumatized personality, "I am told that God lives in me, and yet the reality of darkness, coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul."

These letters were written in the 1950s and '60s to her confessors, spiritual guides appointed by the Church. "Where I try to raise my thoughts to heaven, there is convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul. Love -- the word -- it brings nothing," this from a woman known as a "Messiah of Love."

FATHER EDWARD LE JOLY, AUTHOR: She felt spiritually among them. That is what we call the "black night" or the "dark night."

BINDRA: "Dark night," a term borrowed from Christian mystical writing, suggests a person's acute suffering generally brought about by feelings of abandonment by God.

LE JOLY: She was complaining: "Jesus, I don't feel him. I don't find him. Jesus, where are you. Why do you leave me, and I need you." Repeatedly she complained, "I am miserable."

BINDRA: Father Edward Le Joly was once a spiritual advisor to the sisters in Mother Teresa's order, the Missionaries of Charity. He has already written three books on Mother Teresa, and he and other senior church leaders say the letters are authentic.

(on camera): For years, Mother Teresa's letters were forgotten. And two years ago, as the Vatican started gathering paperwork for her sainthood proceedings, it ordered all of her confessional letters handed over. These letters have just been sent to Rome, but not before a few of them quietly got published in this virtually unknown "Journal of Theological Reflection."

(voice-over): The letters were written when Mother Teresa was first opening her mission, an enormous and challenging task, which explains their tone: "The child of your love has now become as the most hated one. The one you have thrown away as unwanted, unloved. I call, I cling, I want, and there is no answer."

Even as she suffered, Mother Teresa managed to mask her darkness while she cared for the sick: "People say they are drawn close to God -- seeing my strong faith. Is this not deceiving people? Every time I have wanted to tell the truth that I have no faith, the words just don't come -- my mouth remains closed -- and yet I still keep on smiling at God and all."

These letters, say supporters gathered at her gravesite, reveal what other holy figures went through: a deep conflict and then eventual spiritual victory.

Senior church figures in Kolkata tell CNN they believe the letters further buttress Mother Teresa's case for sainthood, because as Father Le Joly put it, "You can't be a saint without having suffered."

Satinder Bindra, CNN, Kolkata.

PHILLIPS: Now to take your own look at letters written by Mother Teresa, just go to CNN.com. On AOL, your keyword is CNN.

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