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CNN Larry King Live
Interview With Comedian Jerry Seinfeld
Aired September 23, 2010 - 21:00 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
LARRY KING, CNN ANCHOR (voice-over): Tonight --
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: My final appearance on the Larry King Live Show.
KING: Jerry Seinfeld. He has kept one of Hollywood's most buzzed about secrets until tonight. The comic reveals the true identity --
JERRY SEINFELD, COMEDIAN: It's like not even know just total shock.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, come on, Jerry, please, please, please, please, please.
KING: Someone we've only read about.
SEINFELD: It was a nom de plume.
KING: One of the funniest men on the planet is here.
SEINFELD: I mean, I think missing in the show is a menu.
KING: Jerry Seinfeld is next on LARRY KING LIVE.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING (on-camera): Good evening. I have to say this? Jerry Seinfeld is an actor, author, director and comedian.
SEINFELD: Keep going.
KING: I'm telling you, you may not know who he is. He is making his Broadway directing debut with comedian, Colin Quinn's one-man show, "Long Story Short, History of the World in 75 Minutes." And he wrote the forward to an all-new "Letters From A Nut," one of the funniest books you will ever read. And tonight, he will reveal the secret author a little later.
Jerry has been a frequent guest, long-time friend to this show. Watch. We'll show you some examples.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE) SEINFELD: Look at this piece of junk. Look at it Give me a camera. Look at this. This is like, you know, this like a 4.95 opening act. You're a headliner now.
This is a nice weather map you have here. This looks like a game of risk.
KING: What about financial success? I mean, you don't have financial worries?
SEINFELD: No.
KING: How's that changed you? You can buy anything you see.
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: OK.
SEINFELD: I want that clock. Here's the question.
KING: Go ahead.
SEINFELD: Who's the victim? Where's the victim here? You're all a victim.
KING: This looks like QVC, doesn't it? What else, Jerry? What else?
SEINFELD: That's not all you get. You get the knives.
KING: What do you make of our earlier conversation which bumped you 20 minutes?
SEINFELD: Well, I can't tell you how flattered I am that it takes the president's genitals to push me back 20 minutes. I mean, that's how big a star I am.
Let's tell them about this movie.
That shot of you and Cattenburg (ph), nose to nose --
KING: Historically.
SEINFELD: I have not seen that since I left Hebrew school.
You know, I have a Larry King in the human world too.
KING: It's a common name. Next week on the LARRY KING.
SEINFELD: No, no, I mean, he looks like you. He has a show with suspenders and different color of dots behind him --
KING: Next week on the LARRY KING.
SEINFELD: Old-guy glasses and these quotes along the bottom from the guest you're watching even though you just heard him. It's not even a new one. Do you tape this in your luggage? Oh, boy. What a budget. Goodbye, clock. Get another one.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
KING: We used to have a little clock in there. We used it frequently until Seinfeld's last appearance then we couldn't afford another. Why did you take our clock?
SEINFELD: Larry, this is my final appearance on the LARRY KING LIVE show.
KING: Because LARRY KING LIVE leaves in December.
SEINFELD: No. You will be here. I'm going.
KING: Oh, I see.
SEINFELD: And because this is my final appearance.
KING: No.
SEINFELD: I have in my hand.
KING: What?
SEINFELD: A clock that I'm going to give you. It's the cheapest clock I could find. It's $3. But I wanted a clock that looked most like the clock that you usually have on this show, which I could never even conceive that you don't know what time it is or you need to -- so, I'm replacing the clocks that I have been stealing all these years. I'm putting one down. And it got a snooze. Can you get a shot of that? It got a snooze, because when you get older, that's what counts.
KING: This clock shall be a permanent part of LARRY KING LIVE. It shall be embellished in our hearts.
SEINFELD: At the Smithsonian.
KING: And will go to Smithsonian when we send the set over. By the way, what prompted you to take it the first time?
SEINFELD: It's just annoying that a big-time, big-shot guy like you has a piece of Chazarai (ph) like that. It offended me. Chazarai, by the way, is an inexpensive item.
KING: That's correct. You're going to put the rumors to rest tonight about who wrote "Letters From A Nut."
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: Who was identified as Ted L. Nancy, which of course was a nom de plume.
SEINFELD: It was a nom of plume. Now, this idea of this character started 15 years ago. And when the idea arose, we decided to keep it a secret, who was writing these letters. KING: And tonight, we'll meet --
SEINFELD: Tonight, you're going to meet the person who has conceived of this entire character. And it was really thought of -- we did it as kind of a gag, just for ourselves to have fun and the books took off. And there's been, I think, four or five of them now. They've best sellers, and it was never intended to be that.
KING: The trouble with the book and just called trouble is you can't read it without breaking up. I mean, we'll read some letters later. This guy fiction (ph) writes crazy letters to people.
SEINFELD: And they answer him.
KING: He writes to hotels, businesses, corporations.
SEINFELD: Because people are so afraid of offending a customer now. No matter what he asks them for, they say, well, we don't know if we can have 10,000 --
KING: We'll reveal that in a little while. Why did you choose LARRY KING LIVE to reveal it?
SEINFELD: I have to be honest with you.
KING: Please.
SEINFELD: This is the funniest show on TV.
KING: What?
SEINFELD: This show makes no sense. That you sit here and ask these questions night after night and nobody answers them and nobody cares. And it goes on and on and on and you sit here and you look like you're ready to order. This is what this show looks like to me on TV is a guy in a deli waiting to order.
To me, the only thing missing on the show is a menu. I always think you're going to look up and go, "is the corned beef lean? Is it lean?"
KING: So, you have chosen us?
SEINFELD: Because this show is funny. Do I want to do the "60 Minutes" funny?
KING: No.
SEINFELD: No.
KING: So, you see me with President Carter, you laugh?
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: You laugh? SEINFELD: Yes. Because it's -- you know -- you're like an uncle that cornered somebody at a Thanksgiving dinner and you just start peppering them with questions and they're looking -- they're holding a piece of cake and they can't get away. And you keep asking them questions, and they're avoiding the answers and that's who you are. You're like an annoying relative that people love, but you're annoying.
KING: OK. You -- by the way, I was honored to appear in "Bee Movie."
SEINFELD: I loved you in "Bee Movie." Let me tell you why you were in "Bee Movie." First of all, you have been in more movies --
KING: 26 I think.
SEINFELD: Than any talk show host.
KING: Correct. I have that record.
SEINFELD: And that is because the show makes no sense.
KING: That's why they want me.
SEINFELD: That's why they want you. But there's something about we thought, if there was a fantasy universe where bees lives, when talked like people, no matter what universe you could conceive of, there would be some version of Larry King there. That's how Omni present you are.
KING: Omni present?
SEINFELD: You're so much a part of culture. The idea of a world with no Larry King is inconceivable, which is why CNN will change their mind before this season is over, before, what is it December 18th?
KING: 16th.
SEINFELD: 16th. It will go to the 18th. That's how strong you're --
KING: You're on a role, man. By the way, you directed me in "Bee Movie."
SEINFELD: I did.
KING: And of all the movies I do, you were the most, maybe next to Warren Beatty in "Bulworth" who drove me crazy.
SEINFELD: Right.
KING: You were the most involved director, changing scripts, little lines.
SEINFELD: I'm a nuts. KING: We were whole day with it.
SEINFELD: Yes. I noticed. I -- I wanted -- I wanted -- you weren't quite giving me Larry King.
KING: That's right. You needed more.
SEINFELD: Yes. It's too much Larry, not enough King. Too much King. Less Larry.
KING: Will you do a sequel?
SEINFELD: To "Bee Movie"?
KING: Yes.
SEINFELD: No.
KING: Why not?
SEINFELD: I loved it. In case, you haven't noticed, if you look at my career and you see what I do, being a standup comedian aside, I do things and then I just walk away. Have you noticed that? And I never go back. Do you think I'll do another sitcom?
KING: No.
SEINFELD: No. Can we roll the clip, by the way, of you asking me, it was my favorite one, one of your producers asked me, what was my favorite moment of being on LARRY KING. My favorite moment was when you asked me if my show was canceled. Do you remember that?
KING: And you got ticked.
SEINFELD: No. I was joking.
KING: You were acting, yes.
SEINFELD: But it was a big internet sensation, you know.
KING: I know.
SEINFELD: Because people thought that I really was upset.
KING: But, yes, you did it pretty good and then we were on Conan the next night. Both of us were on Conan.
SEINFELD: That's right.
KING: The cast of "Seinfeld" reunites, next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
SEINFELD: George Costanza? UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes.
SEINFELD: Is getting married. How am I going to wear this? I can't wear this.
Hey, this looks better than anything you own. I'm out.
You faked with me?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes.
SEINFELD: You faked with me?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes.
SEINFELD: No.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes.
SEINFELD: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
SEINFELD: You want bread?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, please.
SEINFELD: $3!
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What?
SEINFELD: No soup for you!
(END VIDEOTAPE)
KING: That's too funny. The cast of "Seinfeld" recently reunited on "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Let's take a look at some behind the scenes footage as they all walk onto the set.
SEINFELD: It was a year ago.
KING: Yes. Once again, let's watch. Let's go back in time.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
SEINFELD: Oh, all right. Oh, my God. Wow.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You got granite countertops.
SEINFELD: Upgrade.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh, this is the same.
SEINFELD: This is the same.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The experience of walking out and seeing the sets was interesting. The coffee shop set is exactly the same.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Frank, take one, easy Mark.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What's wrong?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What's wrong?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What's wrong?
SEINFELD: I kept thinking about the moment when I would stand in the kitchen and lean against that counter again.
What is with the blackberry people?
I couldn't believe I was going to do that again.
Hello, Newman.
I'm just really enjoying performing with Larry, because he was always there with us, but we never got to do a scene together. So, now, we're doing scenes together. It's just fantastic.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
KING: What was that like to go back?
SEINFELD: It was mind boggling. It was mind boggling, because, you know, they rebuilt the set and we were all there. And so, you know this is 12 years ago. You walk away. It's like if you go back to your old neighborhood, you can see the neighborhood, but if you go back to your old house, it's not the same. So, it was the same. So, we got to really go back in time.
KING: How do you explain the success of "Curb Your Enthusiasm"?
SEINFELD: Just really a show.
KING: It's brilliant.
SEINFELD: It's a brilliant show. And Larry has all the gifts, you know? He knows how to write. He knows how to cast. He is funny himself, you know. It's one of my favorite shows.
KING: How did "Seinfeld" come about?
SEINFELD: It came about because NBC had talked to me about doing a show, and I was standing in catch a rising star on first avenue in 1988 with Larry David, and I said, so NBC is talking to me about you know that they might want to do something, and I can't think of anything to do.
So, then, we go across the street to a Korean deli, and we're buying some food to eat, some, you know, junk, you know, chips and things, and we start making fun of everything. And he goes this is what the show should be, two comedians just talking. And that's what we started with. KING: And did NBC -- was it a hit get-go?
SEINFELD: No. No. Four years. Four years.
KING: Really?
SEINFELD: Yes. It had good demographics. In other words, we had a good audience that was sort of whatever the advertisers want, but we did have very low ratings, very low ratings. Very low ratings.
KING: Now, you continue now to do your standup? You play Vegas? How many times a year do you go?
SEINFELD: Oh, I do about 100 shows a year.
KING: That many?
SEINFELD: Yes. All over the country.
KING: New material?
SEINFELD: Not all the time. As much as I can.
KING: But a lot? You write all your own --
SEINFELD: I write all my own stuff. Yes. Do you want to hear a joke?
KING: Yes. Do a joke. Do a joke. Go ahead. Say something funny. A-ha.
SEINFELD: That's the worst setup for a comedian and you know it.
KING: I know that. You can't do that.
SEINFELD: Any guy in a deli knows that you don't tell a comedian be funny.
KING: You got me back in the deli.
SEINFELD: I love you in the deli. I don't know why this is not a deli set. There should be sandwiches here and waiters walking with around. Because that's where you belong in a deli.
KING: This is the world.
SEINFELD: Speaking of food.
KING: I'm going to get to that in a minute.
SEINFELD: Sorry to go out of order. You want to hear a joke? Two peanuts are walking long, one was a salted.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, man.
SEINFELD: The kids (INAUDIBLE) KING: I know. "Letters From A Nut," the secret revealed, next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
KING: "Letters From A Nut" by Ted L. Nancy with an introduction by you.
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: Explain this. Is there a guy named Ted Nancy?
SEINFELD: There is a guy, but I've never met him.
KING: But he gets big cut of this book.
SEINFELD: Yes. Well, I know a guy who knows him and that's where I --
KING: You have never met him.
SEINFELD: I have never met.
KING: The hero of this book?
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: He wrote all the letters?
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: And that was a little falsehood there, because in a minute, you're going to meet who the real Ted Nancy is with a new edition of "Letters From A Nut." But first, another first.
SEINFELD: One of the things that's great about being me --
KING: Among many, yes.
SEINFELD: Among many is I get to present people that I love, that have great talents and great things, and I get -- I use you to do this.
KING: I'm your prop?
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: OK.
SEINFELD: I wouldn't say prop. I would say you're my --
KING: I'm your idol.
SEINFELD: You're my idol.
KING: OK. SEINFELD: If that helps you. So, tonight is three people that I'm really here to talk about because I don't talk about myself. Not about me.
KING: I know.
SEINFELD: And this, for the first time, my wife had a huge hit book.
KING: Unbelievable.
SEINFELD: Two years ago called "Deceptively Delicious." I thought of the title, but she did everything else, and it was a giant hit, and she's finally come out with a sequel. Now, I know that your wife loves this book.
KING: Loved it.
SEINFELD: And I know that you drove all around San Francisco trying to find a copy.
KING: The last copy they had.
SEINFELD: I got the first copy of the sequel, which has never been seen anywhere before this appearance on LARRY KING LIVE. Here it s "Double Delicious," and it's signed from my wife to your wife, Shawn, warmest regards, Jessica. And that's for you, Larry.
KING: Wow. Oh, and this book is in stores when?
SEINFELD: I think you can buy it now.
KING: OK. Jessica Seinfeld, "Double Delicious," you saw it here first.
SEINFELD: She's not here.
KING: I know.
SEINFELD: She's going to be on Oprah next month.
KING: Oh, good.
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: I've heard of that show, too.
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: She goes to Oprah, you come to me. I like that.
SEINFELD: Yes. Another one, gone. Nobody can hold a job around here.
KING: We're going to do a show together, a network in a deli.
SEINFELD: But the most exciting thing tonight, go ahead.
KING: Jerry read one of my favorite letters back in 1997 when he was here. It's about of all things, Mickey mantle's toenails. Watch.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
SEINFELD: This is a letter to the National Baseball Hall of Fame Museum in Cooperstown. OK?
KING: My kind of place.
SEINFELD: I have a valuable which I would like to donate to the great hall of fame in Cooperstown. In 1960, I was an employee of a hotel in Miami where Mr. Mickey Mantle was staying. As I was setting up the room service tray, I noticed Mr. Mantle clipping his toenails.
I watched out of the corner of my eye, he clipped every toe. He was then called out of room at that moment. I dropped to the carpet and secured all the toenails that had been clipped off. There are almost ten nails, nine and some shavings, but a full set.
KING: They answered?
SEINFELD: They answered. "Dear Mr. Nancy, we are very interested in your story of the Mickey Mantle toenails." This is the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown!
KING: Correct.
SEINFELD: They want the nails. They want them!
(END VIDEOTAPE)
KING: All right. That's -- all these are nutty letters. Jerry, who's with you here?
SEINFELD: Now, the man sitting next to me, the reason I am bringing him out tonight, is because in the 15 years since we have been doing this, the internet has started up and a lot of people have been out there taking credit for these letters.
KING: Oh, really?
SEINFELD: And saying I wrote the books, and they're for sale on my site and, because of the internet and you know what that's all about, it was time to reveal the mystery. It's his fifth book coming out. Ladies and gentlemen, the real author of "Letters From A Nut" is Barry P. Marder, sitting next to me, who has been a colleague of mine for over 25 years.
KING: Colleague in what way? He writes?
SEINFELD: He's a comedian, a comedy writer.
KING: How have you lived, Barry, in unanimity through all of this with famous books you know you did them?
BARRY MARDER, "LETTERS FROM A NUT" AUTHOR: Well, I don't know how to answer that.
SEINFELD: Let's move on to our next guest.
KING: Thanks to Barry. We'll have you back soon., probably December 17th, you'll be back.
MARDER: No, I just -- you know, I was just writing them and it just got out of hand and, you know.
KING: You did it originally as a lark?
MARDER: I did them about -- started about actually 16 years ago in 1994.
SEINFELD: With Fritos bag, wasn't it?
MARDER: Yes. I was sitting with --
SEINFELD: He was eating a bag of Fritos.
MARDER: You know, the actual way it happened when I was sitting in the bedroom. I was with my girlfriend, Phyllis Murphy. And she was kind of -- it was like 4 in the morning. She was watching television. This is actually how the whole thing came about, and she was watching television. I was kind of mindlessly sitting on a chair eating a bag of Fritos.
SEINFELD: You weren't thinking about the Fritos?
MARDER: No, I was just kind of, you know, just kind of looking at them.
KING: Don't interrupt him. He's on a roll.
MARDER: The Fritos bag said you, hey, you want to talk with us. You got any issues? Write Fritos, we want to hear from you. And I was like who in the world is going to write Fritos? So, I was kind of like, a nut, that's who, and she was kind of, you know, looking at me (INAUDIBLE)
KING: Did you write to them?
MARDER: Not at that point. At that point, you know, I just kind of, you know, drafted a letter and the next day, I noticed that these, you know, president's messages were all over. I had some Bon-Ami cleanser. And they actually had a thing on the side. It was a smudgy stamp from the president, and hey, you got some issues, we want to hear from you from Bon-Ami. Tell us what's on your mind, and then, you know, signed like, you know, Gordon Bukar, III or Gordon --.
KING: Get a break, come back and if you can remember the first letter. And we're going to read some of the new ones.
MARDER: OK.
KING: More with Jerry and Barry after the break.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
KING: Do you remember your first letter?
MARDER: Gosh, it's been about 15 years.
KING: Did you write to Fritos?
MARDER: I did write to Fritos.
KING: What did you ask them?
MARDER: I said, you know, I bought a bag of Fritos, and you know, I've actually described the Fritos. I said they were all curled and crunchy and salty and hard, and I threw the bag away even though I was describing a Frito. And then I bought another bag. I got the same thing, it was curled and crunchy and hard and I said help me, Fritos, help me.
And then, you know, I just -- I even wrote to the Bon-Ami guy, you know.
KING: What did you say to him?
MARDER: I said, you know, your name was smashed and smudged, and Gordon Bukar, are you the third, are you the fifth, and I though the fifth guy named Gordon Bukar in the Bon-Ami thing is what a weird life he got, you know, which is kind of communicated. That was actually (INAUDIBLE)
KING: Is he little nuts, right, your friend?
SEINFELD: A little? Let me read you a letter he wrote to the Oakland Chamber of Commerce.
KING: Oakland Chamber of Commerce.
SEINFELD: I want to come to your city for the tiny man convention. Let me be clear, we are not midgets, small persons, diminutives, , petiteos or fun size. We are tiny men. I would like to buy tickets to the performance of Tiny Bennett. This is a tiny man that sings like Tony Bennett. They write him back.
Dear Mr. Nancy, we could not find any information on a show appearing with Mr. Tiny Bennett, but I attached a schedule for Tony. He writes back to them. I told you, it's not tiny, it's small McCartney. He is a fun-sized man that looks like Paul McCartney, and these correspondences go back and forth.
KING: They answer?
SEINFELD: They answer.
MARDER: They answer.
SEINFELD: Because they're so afraid of losing a customer.
KING: They answered because they fear?
SEINFELD: Yes. Yes. Fear.
KING: All right. Let's do another one. This is about -- this is about opening a sandwich stand in a casino bathroom. Do you have that?
MARDER: Yes.
KING: OK. Read this letter.
SEINFELD: You want too read it?
MARDER: Go ahead you read it.
SEINFELD: All right. I'll read it.
KING: Who is it to?
SEINFELD: This is to the Chinook Winds Indian Casino. "I want to sell happened ham sandwiches in your restrooms. You once had a sign on the restroom mirror that says we have the potty melt. Can you direct me to what office I would contact to request casino credit?
They reply, dear Mr. Nancy, we thank you for your interest, but at this time, we are not interested in putting any businesses in the restrooms. We have five food outlets for our customers. Thank you for considering us, but at this time, we are fine.
KING: What do you make -- your mind is wild.
MARDER: I think so.
KING: Yeah. I mean, you are -- you know you're a little nuts?
SEINFELD: What do you think the craziest one you ever wrote?
KING: Mickey Mantle wasn't bad.
SEINFELD: Mickey Mantle wasn't crazy.
MARDER: The Hamsterdam one was --
KING: What was that?
MARDER: I had written a letter to a hotel in Amsterdam. I said I am staging my play in Amsterdam and need to know what health permits I need. My play is called "Hamsterdam," and it's telling of the history of your beautiful city using hamsters. I need to bring 300 loose hamsters into your hotel and have them live in the room with me. This is for 12 nights.
The hotel replied our hotel cannot accommodate 300 hamsters in a room, please.
I wrote them back. I understand your concern about keeping 300 hamsters in my room. It is wrong. I now realize this is a disease issue. That is why I have decided to restage my "Hamsterdam" play. It is now called "Amsterclam." It involves a telling of your beautiful city using clams. I will check in with 500 clams and have them live in the room with me. Clams are not like filthy hamsters, they are wet. Please alert housekeeping, so when they open the door, they can spray.
KING: Now, let's hear about your request to bring an ice machine to a hotel?
MARDER: We had other better ones.
(CROSS TALK)
KING: All right.
SEINFELD: I like the one where you wanted to --
KING: This book is now out, "The New Letters From A Nut."
SEINFELD: Hold it up, Larry. That's how we get sales.
KING: OK. OK, one more.
MARDER: I like this one that I, you know -- I wrote to a -- I was trying to get a sign made, I am opening a business next to a coo- coo restaurant. My business is called I am the walrus. I need one big sign that I'll put next to them so the one big sign says, "I am the Walrus, koo koo ka-roo."
SEINFELD: You know Koo-Ka-Roo chicken and --
KING: Of course. hey, you are a genius much.
MARDER: That is awfully nice.
KING: Thanks for introducing him to the world. All you people on the Internet, here he is.
SEINFELD: Finally, the mystery is over.
KING: The name is Barry Marder. The book is "All new Letters From a Nut" by Ted L. Nancy. This is Ted Nancy. Jerry stays with us. We will be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: When we get married, we have to get rid of any evidence that we've ever had a prior relationship.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: She wants this guy to get rid of a sofa. And she's got her husband's old prosthetic leg. Are you kidding?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: The couch they had sex on, the plastic leg, it is a recipe for disaster.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It is getting weirder. It is getting weirder.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: They're so moronic, I don't even want to help them.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
KING: That is from Jerry's show, "The Marriage Ref." Madonna, Larry David, Ricky Gervais, what qualified them to give advice? How did you come up with this?
SEINFELD: I just love talking about marriage fights. I find them funny and I love to hear how people respond to other people's -- other people's marital issues are comedy for the world.
KING: Not yours?
SEINFELD: Not mine, no. And not yours.
KING: No, not mine. But theirs.
SEINFELD: Theirs. Anybody else, it makes you laugh. So I just thought it would be fun to have a show with funny people coming on and talking about marriage. It seems to provoke natural comedy. I love that show.
KING: When is it on?
SEINFELD: It's coming back on NBC I think the beginning of next year, January of next year.
KING: It's not on the early winter, right?
SEINFELD: I don't know what they do, but they are starting to shoot them now, the next season.
KING: Explain television to me.
SEINFELD: It is like --
KING: Like "Seinfeld," you lasted four years without being a hit? Couldn't happen today?
SEINFELD: I don't know about that. Don't you believe quality always survives somehow?
KING: You really believe that?
SEINFELD: You busted out laughing at that? Quality survives somehow always. Not always, but most of the time. Don't you believe in that? KING: A television network would stick with a show having --
SEINFELD: Anything that's good eventually somehow --
KING: Finds its way.
SEINFELD: You have to believe in that or you don't go into this business, right?
KING: I guess so, yeah. It can be disappointing when you have to deal with --
SEINFELD: I have never been disappointed, fortunately.
KING: You have always had success?
SEINFELD: Always, yes.
KING: How do you deal with the suits in the business?
SEINFELD: The suits? The lawsuits or the guys wearing suits?
KING: The guys up at the --
SEINFELD: I agree with them. It's like a wife. You agree. You say that makes perfect sense. From now on, we are going to do it that way. And then you do whatever you want.
KING: Of course the suits don't watch.
SEINFELD: They don't know. They don't even watch their own network.
KING: So you agree with them. They call you in; you've got a "Seinfeld" episode they didn't like. You tell them, OK, we will change it.
SEINFELD: When we were doing "Seinfeld," a lot of times they would come in and they would go, we don't understand what you are doing. But go ahead. That was the way "Seinfeld" worked.
KING: Why did it work?
SEINFELD: It worked because there was a very loyal, powerful audience out there that loved what we did, no matter -- and no matter how crazy it was, they stuck with us. And the networks, they do watch that and they understand that. So even though they didn't get it, they knew the audience got it and the audience liked it.
So we were free. And that's the ultimate thing in this business, when you're free to do whatever you want. That's the ultimate.
KING: You have attained that now?
SEINFELD: I have. Well, obviously. I don't need to be here. I'm here because I'm free to do whatever I want. KING: So you actually chose to come here?
SEINFELD: I choose to come. I am no place that I don't want to be.
KING: What time do you wake up? What do you do in the morning? What do you do?
SEINFELD: Do you really want to know? I have three kids.
KING: That's enough.
SEINFELD: They are nine, seven and five. If you have three kids, it is like having a blender but you don't have the top. You wake up ready. You hit the ground ready. So I wake up and I have breakfast with the kids and we watch Elmo. And people say, are you ever going to do another TV series? And I say to them, I watch Elmo every morning and he jumps around and he tells jokes or she. I don't even know what the hell this thing is. And I watch Elmo every morning and I think, you know what, let him bust his little red ass.
KING: Jerry is headed for Broadway. Broadway is next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(NEWS BREAK)
KING: We're back with Jerry Seinfeld. We're joined by Colin Quinn. Colin is a comedian, writer. And his new Broadway show "Long Story Short, History of the World in 75 Minutes" debuts you said November 9th?
COLIN QUINN, DIRECTOR: I said -- that's 13 days after Jerry's wife's book really comes out.
KING: October's 26th Jerry's wife's book comes out.
SEINFELD: 28th.
QUINN: Twenty sixth, Jerry.
SEINFELD: Twenty six. My wife's book.
KING: Why are you producing a Broadway show?
SEINFELD: I'm directing, Larry. Directing. I wear a cape. I have a beret. I have a cane.
QUINN: He sits like this in the third row.
SEINFELD: I don't know.
KING: How did this come about?
SEINFELD: This is a great story. We started this in the spring, right? We were sitting around. We have breakfast together, Colin and I, multiple times a week. Like you, you go to Nate and Al's, right? We have a place here, not going to mention the name.
QUINN: Not the diner from "Seinfeld".
KING: OK.
SEINFELD: And I said to him, you know what you should do? You should do a one-man show, because one of the things that a comedian has that no other person -- an actor doesn't have is if you don't feel like dealing with networks or producers, you can go right to the audience and present what you do. And he was looking to do something, and he was thinking of television and movies. He was talking to people and having meetings. And it gets annoying.
Let's just do a one-man show where you can just go out and do your thing.
KING: What is "The History of the World in 75 Minutes"?
QUINN: Jerry wasn't done. Now look, Larry, "The History of the World in 75 Minutes" --
SEINFELD: He goes and writes this thing.
KING: Oh, Colin, I don't know why you're laughing.
QUINN: I don't know.
KING: What is the history --
SEINFELD: Nobody is paying attention. Ask Barry to read this letter, he goes, I don't want to read that one, I want to read another one with. You let him get away with it. You're Larry King. You should have said, Barry.
KING: I don't care.
QUINN: All right, I'm sorry: Jerry is on fire tonight.
KING: He is. He is cooking.
QUINN: He is rolling tonight.
KING: What is the "History of the World in 75 Minutes."
QUINN: Just that. That's exactly what it s.
SEINFELD: What is it that you don't get about that?
KING: Begin with Genesis?
SEINFELD: No.
QUINN: No.
SEINFELD: Way before that. QUINN: No offense, I start with the New Testament. No, I'm kidding. But we start -- we start with the cavemen. We get to Genesis in a way.
KING: Caveman?
SEINFELD: Then the birth of Larry King right after that, right?
KING: Oh.
SEINFELD: Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me for making fun of anything.
QUINN: The Greeks first.
KING: When you're directing a one-man show, what do you do tell him, move to the left, stand there? What do you do?
SEINFELD: That's what I do, exactly that, move to the left.
QUINN: What does a director who directs a ten-person show say? Move to the left.
SEINFELD: I go, who do you have to know to get a latte around here? That's what I do.
KING: It's all a monologue, right? Background scenes?
QUINN: Background scenes, bunch of background stuff, music and lighting.
SEINFELD: But Colin really has a very -- he is very smart. He doesn't seem smart. He is very intelligent. He is well read. And he knows about culture and, you know, different --
KING: He is smart.
SEINFELD: He's really smart. Yeah.
QUINN: Erudite. The fact that I know the word erudite should tell you I'm kind of smart.
SEINFELD: He knows about Serbian empires and Ottomans and --
KING: Will the public get it, though?
SEINFELD: It is a comedy. I know comedy. He is smart.
KING: Does you know Serbian empires?
SEINFELD: No, I don't know half of what he is talking about.
KING: Why are we going to laugh?
SEINFELD: Because we present it as a comedy. It is a comedy telling of the history of the world in 75 minutes. Is that clear, Larry.
KING: Yes. Did you write it all?
SEINFELD: He wrote the whole thing.
KING: And you're the director?
SEINFELD: I'm the director. Have you ever seen --
KING: Are you nervous.
SEINFELD: This doesn't look like Broadway to you.
KING: No. No.
SEINFELD: You're thinking Broadway? Maybe off-Broadway.
QUINN: Tommy Tune Christmas.
KING: Are you nervous about opening night?
SEINFELD: We are terrified.
KING: Are you in rehearsal?
QUINN: Sure, we're in rehearsal. We rehearsed yesterday.
KING: You're new to 75 minutes. You know what you're doing. There's no intermission, I guess?
QUINN: No intermission.
SEINFELD: Here is the great appeal, and this is why you would love a show like this. You'll think, I could be at dinner by 9:00.
QUINN: Asleep by 12, and Nate and Al's next morning.
KING: You could pitch this easy to people. Get out early.
SEINFELD: We will get you the hell out of there. Yes. That is why people love this show.
KING: You really like it if they look at their watch?
SEINFELD: Yeah.
KING: That means you're succeeding.
SEINFELD: We apologize if it is 76 minutes.
QUINN: He has been on a roll. I'm not going to make it to the next segment, am I? Be honest.
KING: No, you're not. But November 9th --
SEINFELD: Wait a minute. KING: Helen Hayes Theater.
SEINFELD: Do you know how rare it is? You know, because you know a little bit about this business. We started in how many seats down there in 45 Bleaker? A hundred seat -- we did 100-seat theater. Investors came in. They loved the show, said -- we didn't want to take it to Broadway.
QUINN: No.
SEINFELD: We were just screwing around. And they go this is a Broadway show. We went, really? They go, yeah, we will put up all the money.
QUINN: It is true.
KING: You didn't put up any of your money.
SEINFELD: No! Well --
KING: Good luck, Colin.
QUINN: Thank you, Larry.
KING: We will be back with more of this. By the way, if you understand this, please send us a card, I understand this at CNN. Don't go away.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
SEINFELD: Jerry Seinfeld remains with us. Time now for our Heroes section. Anderson Cooper reveals our top ten for 2010.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: I'm Anderson Cooper. All year, we've been introducing you to our CNN Heroes, everyday people changing the world. Today, we're announcing the top ten CNN Heroes for 2010.
The honorees are, in alphabetical order, Guadeloupe Arizpe De La Vega. She's providing health care in the increasingly violent Juarez, Mexico. Susan Burton, her re-entry program helps female ex-convicts get back on their feet.
Linda Fondren, she's brought her community together to shed pounds. Anuradha Koirala rescues and rehabilitates Nepali girls from sex trafficking.
Narayanan Krishnan serves three meals a day to homeless by hand.
Magnus MacFarlane-Barrow feeds more than 400,000 kids every day.
Harmon Parker build bridges connecting Kenyans with life-changing resources.
Aki Ra restores safety by finding and diffusing land mines planted by the Khmer Rouge.
Evans Wadongo is lighting the way to prosperity for rural Kenyans with his solar powered lanterns.
And Dan Wallwrath, who builds custom homes for wounded veterans returning from service.
Congratulations to the top ten CNN Heroes of 2010. Which one inspires you the most? Go to CNNHeroes.com right now to vote for CNN Hero of the year.
KING: OK, Jerry, follow that.
SEINFELD: Yes, thanks, Larry. Let's throw up the Zapruder film also.
KING: But you like our heroes concept.
SEINFELD: I do. I love the Heroes. That's beautiful.
KING: It's nice to salute everyday people.
SEINFELD: That is the classiest thing on CNN. I love it. Don't you think? That's really classic. That's great. That's great. No jokes.
KING: Have you done heroic things ever?
SEINFELD: What was this?
KING: This is a heroic thing?
SEINFELD: This is like a medevac. I come on -- you're on a show here as a comedian with no audience. That's, you know --
KING: But there's people here.
SEINFELD: Yeah, I guess. But I would say to you, what's funny about this show is there's no audience but you can still bomb. You can still go right down in jokes.
KING: When's your next in-person appearance?
SEINFELD: I'm in Memphis tomorrow night, Friday.
KING: Memphis.
SEINFELD: Memphis, Tennessee. Yes, the good people of Memphis.
KING: Theater. Big theater?
SEINFELD: It's a little tiny theater. Of course it's a big theater. It's a huge theater. I don't know what it is.
KING: Do you -- truly, do you ever bomb any more? Are you too big to bomb? SEINFELD: No one's too big to bomb. No one's too big to bomb.
KING: So you don't automatically have -- you have them for the first -- Bob Hope said you have them for the first minute.
SEINFELD: You get a free minute, because if you have -- if you're well known. But after -- nobody -- as I like to say, nobody laughs at a reputation. If you're funny that night, they laugh. If you're not, they don't. They want to say, I went to see this guy. He bombed. They're dying to tell that story.
KING: How self confident you are.
SEINFELD: Yes.
KING: We'll be back with our remaining moments with Seinfeld. He's in Memphis. Don't bother, they're sold out, I'm sure.
SEINFELD: Sold out. Double Delicious, October 26th.
KING: Don't go away. We'll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
KING: Wish we had more time, Jer. When we did the scene in the bee movie, you pulled up in one of the wildest looking cars.
SEINFELD: Oh, really?
KING: You're a car freak.
SEINFELD: I'm a total car nut, yes.
KING: How many cars do you own?
SEINFELD: More than I need.
KING: Why? You only need one to get somewhere. Why?
SEINFELD: Because when you're in a car, you're inside, and you're outside. And you're moving and you're still, all at the same time.
KING: You're moving and you're still.
SEINFELD: You're moving and you're still, and you're inside and you're outside.
KING: So why do you need four of them or five of them?
SEINFELD: Because I -- I love that experience of --
KING: What's your favorite car?
SEINFELD: My favorite car is a Porsche 73 RS, that only a Porsche fanatic would know. KING: What does it do that other cars --
SEINFELD: It makes certain sounds. It has a certain feel to it. It's just a hobby. It's an interest.
KING: Are you a fast driver?
SEINFELD: No, I drive reasonably --
KING: You live in the city of New York?
SEINFELD: I live in New York City, yes.
KING: You drive around New York City?
SEINFELD: Not around. No, I leave. I go outside the city and I drive.
KING: I don't know why that's -- you have space to park all these cars?
SEINFELD: I have a little garage I keep my cars. I keep most of the cars someplace else. I'm not telling the thieves where they are.
KING: You lived in L.A. for a while, didn't you?
SEINFELD: I lived in L.A. for 18 years, from 1980 until the end of the show in 1998. Then I came right back to New York, because I believe New York makes you funny. And L.A. makes you less funny.
KING: Why? Why would a city --
SEINFELD: Some cities are funny. Do you ever watch the local news in New York and they interview a garbage man? He's always funny, right?
KING: That's right. Not funny in L.A.?
SEINFELD: Not funny. Garbage men aren't funny in L.A.
KING: What's another funny city?
SEINFELD: Minneapolis is funny. Miami is funny. Wouldn't you agree? Miami is funny. Tijuana is funny.
KING: Is New Haven funny?
SEINFELD: New Haven is not funny.
KING: Toronto.
SEINFELD: Funny.
KING: Montreal?
SEINFELD: Less funny. KING: You've got to be so hip to get this, the band don't get it. Do you have any goals left? You've got a Broadway show, books.
SEINFELD: I wasn't kidding you. I love these people I brought on the show tonight, Barry Marder, Colin Quinn. I love these people. I think they're great talents. And that is my goal, that the public should connect with this talent that hasn't quite been discovered yet. So that's my goal for Barry and for Colin.
KING: And you will succeed, because you're a good guy and you're a funny guy.
SEINFELD: Thank you, Larry. And you're a great man. And we thank you for all your years of service.
KING: And thanks for the clock. It shall be here nightly.
SEINFELD: That really makes me feel good.
KING: The cast of "Saturday Night Live" is here tomorrow night.
SEINFELD: Where?
KING: In New York.
SEINFELD: That was my gag in the bee. He's always telling you about some other show. Tomorrow night.
KING: It's time now for "AC 360."
