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Interview With Teen Self-Esteem Expert

Aired July 08, 2003 - 13:18   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


MILES O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: As we told you earlier this hour, a New Jersey teenager is behind bars today accused of being the ringleader in a plot to kill three classmates and randomly kill other people in the community.
now joining me to talk about troubled teens is Jessica Weiner. She is a self-esteem expert, performer and motivational speaker. And she worked with students at Columbine High School after two students went on that deadly shooting rampage there, which you'll recall. Jessica, good have you with us.

JESSICA WEINER, SELF-ESTEEM TEEN EXPERT: Thanks, Miles. Good to be here.

O'BRIEN: All right, the hard part, I think, for parents is separating what is normal teenage alienation and rebellion. And there is normal alienation and rebellion for being associated with a teenager with something more sinister.

So let's try to walk parents down a road here which helps them understand. Let's talk about what's normal, first of all. What is normal alienation?

WEINER: You know normal alienation is really hard to define, so I don't blame parents for feeling like they might be missing clues here.

Normal alienation is what we all experience. Some of that teasing and ribbing that goes on in high school. We all sort of felt on the outside at one point or another.

But what's going on for these school shooters right now is there's something deeper and it's been lasting much longer than this one specific incident. This has been going to in the lives of these school shooters for a while. And what we're missing, I think, is we need to listen more than we are talking to our students.

O'BRIEN: When you say listen -- now, Parents, these days -- and I'm not trying to point a finger at parents, but there are many children, and I don't know the situation in this case, necessarily, but there are many children growing up in these latch key environments who, they're are on their own an awful lot. An awful lot of time. And they probably don't feel so listened to, do they?

WEINER: No, they don't. And it's -- certainly all of this starts at home, Miles. And we have to understand that without pointing blame. We've to take responsibility and we've got to take action now.

But there also is a community of people that have access to our students. Our counselors, our teachers, our fellow parents and coaches and people that have access to our students' lives. And we need to start listening and watching the warning signs. It's so easy to want to dismiss this as normal alienation, because we don't want to feel like we're overreacting.

But yet again we're all sitting here asking why and how. How this could happen again? And so one of the things that I think we need to do is make sure that we're looking deeper than just on the surface level.

O'BRIEN: Now as you look back on Columbine and you know that one well, when you talk to kids after the fact in that case, did they all see warning signs with hindsight, made them say, Oh my gosh, if I had only known?

WEINER: You know what? Unfortunately that's the most common sentence that I heard after those shootings and in the school shootings across the country. Students and patients alike will say, I should have listened. I should have really taken that threat seriously. I should have taken the fact that they had a list of people they wanted to have retaliatory efforts against seriously.

And, yes, there's a lot of regret. We're always asking that question of why this is happening. I think the greatest tragedy we can do today is look solely at this person's clothing, video game choice, movie choice and write it off as him being that kind of kid. There are lots of kids who listen and watch these programs who aren't committing crimes like this and don't have the intention to.

We've got to listen to our gut. We're the best metal detector and safety gauge that we have going is listening to our own instincts.

O'BRIEN: But I think perhaps one of the most strongest human emotions out there, or human behaviors, is denial.

WEINER: Absolutely.

O'BRIEN: And when we hear such things we don't want to believe that our own children would do such a thing, right?

WEINER: Of course, of course. We don't want to believe it. But you know what? We're sitting here today. There's not only this tragedy that we're dealing with. There's a shooting at a plant in Missouri (sic).

We're living in a world where this has become some sort of an acceptable effort. Not only on the adult part but on our student level as well. We're in denial but it's time for us to stop being denial and take some action.

Listening, paying attention to those warning signs and taking action about it. Speaking somebody to this gentleman did and calling the police. Students have done that in plenty of other schools where there have been foiled attempts where they've spoken up and spoken to a school counselor.

(CROSSTALK)

O'BRIEN: As I think about that -- I don't want to interrupt you, but we're just about run out of time here. When you say call the police, you almost have the sense that in some cases that could throw gasoline on the fire with some kids.

WEINER: In some cases it can.

O'BRIEN: I guess beginning a dialogue is good place to start. How do you begin that conversation if the teen is so far out there?

WEINER: You know what? The thing is we need to be able to walk our talk. We have to jump in and start the dialogue no matter what, whether you're the parent or whether you're the teacher.

So we start a dialogue by asking and talking about feelings. These kids are not accessing their emotions and their feelings. They're not being given a space to say what's on their mind, to express that anger and rage that's living inside of them.

So you begin the conversation and it may be awkward and it may be strange, but it's an ongoing dialogue. And it's a dialogue that doesn't just happen today although today is a good day for us to start talking about this. But it needs to continue in the everyday lives of our students and our children.

O'BRIEN: And you have to start the conversation probably long before their teens, don't you?

WEINER: Absolutely.

Listen, by the time you get to junior high school and high school, they are so far removed from having a consistent teacher in their life. Lives are getting more crazy and hectic. And as you mentioned in the beginning, our family lives are changing. A lot of us are latch key kids. A lot of have single parents.

We need to be making a concerted effort when we can to spend quality time talking to our youth about the real issues that are going to and not be afraid to hear what they have to say.

This kid was in a lot of pain as are a lot of students. Some of them we might mention as being normal alienation and others run a lot deeper. And we won't know that until we take the risk and talk and find out.

O'BRIEN: Jessica, I'd be willing to guess that most people in our audience here do not have on their to do list talk to their kids. It's just not a priority, is it?

WEINER: It's not a priority, but looking at recent events we should reanalyze that priority make it number one.

O'BRIEN: Jessica Weiner, good advice. Thank you very much. Hope folks were listening and hope teens were listening as well. Good to have you with us.

WEINER: Thanks, Miles.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com






Aired July 8, 2003 - 13:18   ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
MILES O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: As we told you earlier this hour, a New Jersey teenager is behind bars today accused of being the ringleader in a plot to kill three classmates and randomly kill other people in the community.
now joining me to talk about troubled teens is Jessica Weiner. She is a self-esteem expert, performer and motivational speaker. And she worked with students at Columbine High School after two students went on that deadly shooting rampage there, which you'll recall. Jessica, good have you with us.

JESSICA WEINER, SELF-ESTEEM TEEN EXPERT: Thanks, Miles. Good to be here.

O'BRIEN: All right, the hard part, I think, for parents is separating what is normal teenage alienation and rebellion. And there is normal alienation and rebellion for being associated with a teenager with something more sinister.

So let's try to walk parents down a road here which helps them understand. Let's talk about what's normal, first of all. What is normal alienation?

WEINER: You know normal alienation is really hard to define, so I don't blame parents for feeling like they might be missing clues here.

Normal alienation is what we all experience. Some of that teasing and ribbing that goes on in high school. We all sort of felt on the outside at one point or another.

But what's going on for these school shooters right now is there's something deeper and it's been lasting much longer than this one specific incident. This has been going to in the lives of these school shooters for a while. And what we're missing, I think, is we need to listen more than we are talking to our students.

O'BRIEN: When you say listen -- now, Parents, these days -- and I'm not trying to point a finger at parents, but there are many children, and I don't know the situation in this case, necessarily, but there are many children growing up in these latch key environments who, they're are on their own an awful lot. An awful lot of time. And they probably don't feel so listened to, do they?

WEINER: No, they don't. And it's -- certainly all of this starts at home, Miles. And we have to understand that without pointing blame. We've to take responsibility and we've got to take action now.

But there also is a community of people that have access to our students. Our counselors, our teachers, our fellow parents and coaches and people that have access to our students' lives. And we need to start listening and watching the warning signs. It's so easy to want to dismiss this as normal alienation, because we don't want to feel like we're overreacting.

But yet again we're all sitting here asking why and how. How this could happen again? And so one of the things that I think we need to do is make sure that we're looking deeper than just on the surface level.

O'BRIEN: Now as you look back on Columbine and you know that one well, when you talk to kids after the fact in that case, did they all see warning signs with hindsight, made them say, Oh my gosh, if I had only known?

WEINER: You know what? Unfortunately that's the most common sentence that I heard after those shootings and in the school shootings across the country. Students and patients alike will say, I should have listened. I should have really taken that threat seriously. I should have taken the fact that they had a list of people they wanted to have retaliatory efforts against seriously.

And, yes, there's a lot of regret. We're always asking that question of why this is happening. I think the greatest tragedy we can do today is look solely at this person's clothing, video game choice, movie choice and write it off as him being that kind of kid. There are lots of kids who listen and watch these programs who aren't committing crimes like this and don't have the intention to.

We've got to listen to our gut. We're the best metal detector and safety gauge that we have going is listening to our own instincts.

O'BRIEN: But I think perhaps one of the most strongest human emotions out there, or human behaviors, is denial.

WEINER: Absolutely.

O'BRIEN: And when we hear such things we don't want to believe that our own children would do such a thing, right?

WEINER: Of course, of course. We don't want to believe it. But you know what? We're sitting here today. There's not only this tragedy that we're dealing with. There's a shooting at a plant in Missouri (sic).

We're living in a world where this has become some sort of an acceptable effort. Not only on the adult part but on our student level as well. We're in denial but it's time for us to stop being denial and take some action.

Listening, paying attention to those warning signs and taking action about it. Speaking somebody to this gentleman did and calling the police. Students have done that in plenty of other schools where there have been foiled attempts where they've spoken up and spoken to a school counselor.

(CROSSTALK)

O'BRIEN: As I think about that -- I don't want to interrupt you, but we're just about run out of time here. When you say call the police, you almost have the sense that in some cases that could throw gasoline on the fire with some kids.

WEINER: In some cases it can.

O'BRIEN: I guess beginning a dialogue is good place to start. How do you begin that conversation if the teen is so far out there?

WEINER: You know what? The thing is we need to be able to walk our talk. We have to jump in and start the dialogue no matter what, whether you're the parent or whether you're the teacher.

So we start a dialogue by asking and talking about feelings. These kids are not accessing their emotions and their feelings. They're not being given a space to say what's on their mind, to express that anger and rage that's living inside of them.

So you begin the conversation and it may be awkward and it may be strange, but it's an ongoing dialogue. And it's a dialogue that doesn't just happen today although today is a good day for us to start talking about this. But it needs to continue in the everyday lives of our students and our children.

O'BRIEN: And you have to start the conversation probably long before their teens, don't you?

WEINER: Absolutely.

Listen, by the time you get to junior high school and high school, they are so far removed from having a consistent teacher in their life. Lives are getting more crazy and hectic. And as you mentioned in the beginning, our family lives are changing. A lot of us are latch key kids. A lot of have single parents.

We need to be making a concerted effort when we can to spend quality time talking to our youth about the real issues that are going to and not be afraid to hear what they have to say.

This kid was in a lot of pain as are a lot of students. Some of them we might mention as being normal alienation and others run a lot deeper. And we won't know that until we take the risk and talk and find out.

O'BRIEN: Jessica, I'd be willing to guess that most people in our audience here do not have on their to do list talk to their kids. It's just not a priority, is it?

WEINER: It's not a priority, but looking at recent events we should reanalyze that priority make it number one.

O'BRIEN: Jessica Weiner, good advice. Thank you very much. Hope folks were listening and hope teens were listening as well. Good to have you with us.

WEINER: Thanks, Miles.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com