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Interview With America's Worst Writer

Aired July 16, 2003 - 15:50   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


KYRA PHILLIPS, CNN ANCHOR: Insightful, original, imaginative writing will be in short supply in our next segment, but this time it is not our fault. We promise. It's Bulwer-Lytton time, that yearly contest that sifts through volumes of dreadful paragraphs for one that is exquisitely awful.
This year's winner, if we can call her that, is Maryann Simms of Wetumpka, Alabama and she graciously picked up her phone when we called her. Hi, Maryann.

MARYANN SIMMS, WINNER: Hi, how are things?

PHILLIPS: We're doing very well. Let's just get right to it. With passion and prose, let's hear your entry.

SIMMS: OK, here it goes. "They had but one last remaining night together so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a Cheddar and the white, Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provalone, or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar than the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently."

PHILLIPS: Where did the inspiration come from for this beautifully written awful piece?

SIMMS: Other than sipping a Grey Goose martini, I would say it would probably be the fact that I have children and, yes, I've purchased the infamous string cheese and it does kind of resemble the same flavor and I figured, you know, lovers entwined, string cheese. So I took it from there.

PHILLIPS: Or the Grey Goose martini. Maryann, you and I have to get together. We have a lot in common.

So do you brag about your title?

SIMMS: I haven't done so so far. I have a online comedy, interactive comedy Web site, HumorMeOnline.com.

PHILLIPS: A shameless plug.

SIMMS: Yes, let's plug it. But I haven't done anything as far as really putting stuff on. I have another person on there who plugged me, but I haven't.

PHILLIPS: Is this the first time you received such a great honor?

SIMMS: Well, this is definitely the most dubious one. I have won stuff like a TiVo in the AOL Dennis Miller rant contest, I've won four t-shirts at Letterman's Top Ten site and numerous other things. I mean I would love to -- if David Letterman is out there listening to this, please, I'm definitely available. Any other person I'm available. I would love to be a comedy writer.

PHILLIPS: What if we offered you a job, would you take it?

SIMMS: I would definitely take it, I'm not crazy.

PHILLIPS: All right. So who is your favorite writer, I'm curious?

SIMMS: Writer?

PHILLIPS: Yes. Besides yourself, of course.

SIMMS: Let me see, gosh, I'm going to get this wrong. He did "The Giving Tree."

PHILLIPS: Oh, you mean the one we read as kids with the green cover?

SIMMS: Yes.

PHILLIPS: Silverstein.

SIMMS: Shel Silverstein.

PHILLIPS: There you go.

SIMMS: I can't read that thing honestly without crying every time I read it. It's moving.

(CROSSTALK)

PHILLIPS: I'm sorry. No, you won $250 for this, right?

SIMMS: I'm not aware of that. I read that I have, but that was not my inspiration to submit to this contest. I like submitting to comedy contests and online contests and this was definitely a challenge I never figured in my wildest dreams I was going to be picked the winner.

PHILLIPS: Well we better protest, you better get your 250 bucks. If you get it, what will you spend it on? More Grey Goose?

SIMMS: There you go. More Grey Goose. Yes. Probably a nice dinner. But I just might tell the man, Scott Rice (ph) who runs this contest, who apparently doesn't get any backing from anybody that he can possibly just pocket it himself and feel free to spend it on more endeavors of this sort.

PHILLIPS: All right, Maryann. What's next for you, if it's not David Letterman, if it's not CNN...

SIMMS: I don't know. Like I said, I'm still trying to plug away my Web site. Like I said, I really would. I would love to be a comedy writer. I'm sure I can definitely handled the pressure. Living here in Wetumpka doesn't have too much arise to the occasion for comedy writing but I would definitely be interested in something like that.

I don't know if I'm going to play the contest again. Other people have asked me, are you going to try to be a winner the second time around? This is basically the Olympics of fiction writing, you know. There's only one place to go from here and it's basically down. But I might slip it in again.

PHILLIPS: Maryann Simms, I hope they build a bus and put it downtown in Wetumpka there in your honor. Thank you so much for being with us.

SIMMS: Thank you.

PHILLIPS: All right. Send your resume.

SIMMS: I will. Bye-bye.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com






Aired July 16, 2003 - 15:50   ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
KYRA PHILLIPS, CNN ANCHOR: Insightful, original, imaginative writing will be in short supply in our next segment, but this time it is not our fault. We promise. It's Bulwer-Lytton time, that yearly contest that sifts through volumes of dreadful paragraphs for one that is exquisitely awful.
This year's winner, if we can call her that, is Maryann Simms of Wetumpka, Alabama and she graciously picked up her phone when we called her. Hi, Maryann.

MARYANN SIMMS, WINNER: Hi, how are things?

PHILLIPS: We're doing very well. Let's just get right to it. With passion and prose, let's hear your entry.

SIMMS: OK, here it goes. "They had but one last remaining night together so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a Cheddar and the white, Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provalone, or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar than the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently."

PHILLIPS: Where did the inspiration come from for this beautifully written awful piece?

SIMMS: Other than sipping a Grey Goose martini, I would say it would probably be the fact that I have children and, yes, I've purchased the infamous string cheese and it does kind of resemble the same flavor and I figured, you know, lovers entwined, string cheese. So I took it from there.

PHILLIPS: Or the Grey Goose martini. Maryann, you and I have to get together. We have a lot in common.

So do you brag about your title?

SIMMS: I haven't done so so far. I have a online comedy, interactive comedy Web site, HumorMeOnline.com.

PHILLIPS: A shameless plug.

SIMMS: Yes, let's plug it. But I haven't done anything as far as really putting stuff on. I have another person on there who plugged me, but I haven't.

PHILLIPS: Is this the first time you received such a great honor?

SIMMS: Well, this is definitely the most dubious one. I have won stuff like a TiVo in the AOL Dennis Miller rant contest, I've won four t-shirts at Letterman's Top Ten site and numerous other things. I mean I would love to -- if David Letterman is out there listening to this, please, I'm definitely available. Any other person I'm available. I would love to be a comedy writer.

PHILLIPS: What if we offered you a job, would you take it?

SIMMS: I would definitely take it, I'm not crazy.

PHILLIPS: All right. So who is your favorite writer, I'm curious?

SIMMS: Writer?

PHILLIPS: Yes. Besides yourself, of course.

SIMMS: Let me see, gosh, I'm going to get this wrong. He did "The Giving Tree."

PHILLIPS: Oh, you mean the one we read as kids with the green cover?

SIMMS: Yes.

PHILLIPS: Silverstein.

SIMMS: Shel Silverstein.

PHILLIPS: There you go.

SIMMS: I can't read that thing honestly without crying every time I read it. It's moving.

(CROSSTALK)

PHILLIPS: I'm sorry. No, you won $250 for this, right?

SIMMS: I'm not aware of that. I read that I have, but that was not my inspiration to submit to this contest. I like submitting to comedy contests and online contests and this was definitely a challenge I never figured in my wildest dreams I was going to be picked the winner.

PHILLIPS: Well we better protest, you better get your 250 bucks. If you get it, what will you spend it on? More Grey Goose?

SIMMS: There you go. More Grey Goose. Yes. Probably a nice dinner. But I just might tell the man, Scott Rice (ph) who runs this contest, who apparently doesn't get any backing from anybody that he can possibly just pocket it himself and feel free to spend it on more endeavors of this sort.

PHILLIPS: All right, Maryann. What's next for you, if it's not David Letterman, if it's not CNN...

SIMMS: I don't know. Like I said, I'm still trying to plug away my Web site. Like I said, I really would. I would love to be a comedy writer. I'm sure I can definitely handled the pressure. Living here in Wetumpka doesn't have too much arise to the occasion for comedy writing but I would definitely be interested in something like that.

I don't know if I'm going to play the contest again. Other people have asked me, are you going to try to be a winner the second time around? This is basically the Olympics of fiction writing, you know. There's only one place to go from here and it's basically down. But I might slip it in again.

PHILLIPS: Maryann Simms, I hope they build a bus and put it downtown in Wetumpka there in your honor. Thank you so much for being with us.

SIMMS: Thank you.

PHILLIPS: All right. Send your resume.

SIMMS: I will. Bye-bye.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com