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Ask Amy
Aired December 18, 2003 - 15:18 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
MILES O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: Let's get to the first e-mail.
This one comes from Maria: "Dear Amy, I'm a single woman in my late 40s, never married, no kids. I have two sisters, both married with kids. I've been buying gifts on every occasion for my nieces and nephews since they were born. I have yet to even get a birthday card from them. I find this terribly unfair. And every year, I dread the holidays.
"My family still expects me to continue on with buy gifting for my great nieces now. (AUDIO GAP) I'm excluded from their lives except when there's an occasion."
AMY DICKINSON, "CHICAGO TRIBUNE": Yes.
Actually, I hear from a lot of single people at this time of year with questions just like this. And I think sometimes we feel like we are just shoveling gifts down this big hole, especially for children. And so one idea I have is that she might want to contribute to a charity that she thinks the kids might enjoy, maybe something having to do with animals, and contribute in their name.
Another idea is, she could buy a yearlong membership in a local museum and take them to the museum. So there are things you can do other than the gifts.
O'BRIEN: All right, and so it's not a good idea to put a self- stamped envelope with a form letter thank-you note, dear blank, thanks for blank, maybe as a hint?
DICKINSON: Yes. I know some people do give stationery as a last resort.
O'BRIEN: Yes. Well, that would be a thought.
Ashley in Massachusetts has this one for us: "Dear Amy, I'll be going to me my fiance's parents over the holidays." Oh, that's a dreaded moment at times. "They only speak a little bit of English." Well, that could make it easier. "I only speak a little bit of their native language, which is French. How can I make the weekend feel comfortable?"
DICKINSON: Wow. I don't know -- I remember going through this. This can be rough, especially when they don't speak the same language, although maybe that's a good thing, right?
O'BRIEN: Yes, I suppose so. DICKINSON: She could bring -- I think she's from the Boston area. She should bring something along with her that's kind of native to where she's from, maybe maple syrup or something that's kind of regional that she can bring to them, a small little thing that's very specific to where she's from, maybe a book about the Red Sox or something that shows them where she's from, as a token for them. And it might start a little conversation. Lots of gesticulating, I think, here.
O'BRIEN: Yes, I suppose you could bring the French-English dictionary and start trying that way, too.
DICKINSON: Yes.
O'BRIEN: I don't know.
DICKINSON: Her fiance also needs to help her out by really educating her.
O'BRIEN: Well, this would be the key. And, well, he could be a good translator for her. That puts a lot on him, though, doesn't it?
DICKINSON: It does. But I also think that he should make sure that they do some outings without his parents, just to kind of get her out, so they all get a bit of a break.
O'BRIEN: Yes, that's a very good idea.
DICKINSON: Yes. Yes.
O'BRIEN: A little break time is always good.
Carol (ph) has this one. I don't know if that's Christmas Carol, but Carol anyway. "Dear Amy, my son has been married for four years to a really nice woman who has a large family. Over Thanksgiving, they were invited to two functions from our family. And when I asked my daughter-in-law what her plans were, she said, I don't know yet. And then they didn't come. Now, this has happened before, where they go to her brother or sister's for the holiday. I'm feeling angry with my son for not caring enough about his family.
"I don't want to make him feel guilty." Hmm. Sure. "And I don't want to cause an argument. But I would like to handle this to avoid my feeling left out in the cold with Christmas coming. I'm sure history will repeat itself, if not."
DICKINSON: Yes.
Well, I think, at the holidays, sometimes the bigger family wins.
(CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: Really? Just sheer numbers, sheer numbers.
DICKINSON: Yes, sheer numbers. Also, sometimes the woman's family ends up kind of winning the couple, because women tend to make arrangements a little more easily than men do. I actually think that this family can work this out by the older couple, the husband's family, can basically insert themselves into this young couple's life by offering to do something maybe on Christmas Eve.
Basically, have a conversation and say, what are your plans? We'd love to come over on Christmas. We have some gifts. Why don't we cook some soup? Not to impose too much, but you do want to enjoy the holiday together at some point.
O'BRIEN: And just a final thought. When you get together with family members, there are always those kind of -- well, I suppose they're well-meaning, but they're usually a bit nosy and they're a bit prying and there are sometimes quite rude questions. What's the best way? You just kind of laugh it off and move on?
DICKINSON: Well, I love -- I don't think we do this enough. I love the idea of kind of pleasantly distracting somebody. If somebody asks you
(CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: Divert. Just like kids. Always divert, right?
DICKINSON: Always. It's just like dealing with toddlers, Miles.
O'BRIEN: Yes.
DICKINSON: Somebody asks you a rude question, you say, I love your blouse. Tell me about that. Just really...
(CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: Just keep on moving.
(CROSSTALK)
DICKINSON: Or you could say, like, moving on, moving on.
O'BRIEN: Yes. Next question.
(CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: All right, Amy Dickinson, happy holidays to you and yours. And I hope you don't have to employ too much of your advice as you spend the holidays with your group. I'll keep your advice close to heart.
Thanks very much.,
DICKINSON: Thank you.
O'BRIEN: All right. We'll see you soon.
TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com
Aired December 18, 2003 - 15:18 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
MILES O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: Let's get to the first e-mail.
This one comes from Maria: "Dear Amy, I'm a single woman in my late 40s, never married, no kids. I have two sisters, both married with kids. I've been buying gifts on every occasion for my nieces and nephews since they were born. I have yet to even get a birthday card from them. I find this terribly unfair. And every year, I dread the holidays.
"My family still expects me to continue on with buy gifting for my great nieces now. (AUDIO GAP) I'm excluded from their lives except when there's an occasion."
AMY DICKINSON, "CHICAGO TRIBUNE": Yes.
Actually, I hear from a lot of single people at this time of year with questions just like this. And I think sometimes we feel like we are just shoveling gifts down this big hole, especially for children. And so one idea I have is that she might want to contribute to a charity that she thinks the kids might enjoy, maybe something having to do with animals, and contribute in their name.
Another idea is, she could buy a yearlong membership in a local museum and take them to the museum. So there are things you can do other than the gifts.
O'BRIEN: All right, and so it's not a good idea to put a self- stamped envelope with a form letter thank-you note, dear blank, thanks for blank, maybe as a hint?
DICKINSON: Yes. I know some people do give stationery as a last resort.
O'BRIEN: Yes. Well, that would be a thought.
Ashley in Massachusetts has this one for us: "Dear Amy, I'll be going to me my fiance's parents over the holidays." Oh, that's a dreaded moment at times. "They only speak a little bit of English." Well, that could make it easier. "I only speak a little bit of their native language, which is French. How can I make the weekend feel comfortable?"
DICKINSON: Wow. I don't know -- I remember going through this. This can be rough, especially when they don't speak the same language, although maybe that's a good thing, right?
O'BRIEN: Yes, I suppose so. DICKINSON: She could bring -- I think she's from the Boston area. She should bring something along with her that's kind of native to where she's from, maybe maple syrup or something that's kind of regional that she can bring to them, a small little thing that's very specific to where she's from, maybe a book about the Red Sox or something that shows them where she's from, as a token for them. And it might start a little conversation. Lots of gesticulating, I think, here.
O'BRIEN: Yes, I suppose you could bring the French-English dictionary and start trying that way, too.
DICKINSON: Yes.
O'BRIEN: I don't know.
DICKINSON: Her fiance also needs to help her out by really educating her.
O'BRIEN: Well, this would be the key. And, well, he could be a good translator for her. That puts a lot on him, though, doesn't it?
DICKINSON: It does. But I also think that he should make sure that they do some outings without his parents, just to kind of get her out, so they all get a bit of a break.
O'BRIEN: Yes, that's a very good idea.
DICKINSON: Yes. Yes.
O'BRIEN: A little break time is always good.
Carol (ph) has this one. I don't know if that's Christmas Carol, but Carol anyway. "Dear Amy, my son has been married for four years to a really nice woman who has a large family. Over Thanksgiving, they were invited to two functions from our family. And when I asked my daughter-in-law what her plans were, she said, I don't know yet. And then they didn't come. Now, this has happened before, where they go to her brother or sister's for the holiday. I'm feeling angry with my son for not caring enough about his family.
"I don't want to make him feel guilty." Hmm. Sure. "And I don't want to cause an argument. But I would like to handle this to avoid my feeling left out in the cold with Christmas coming. I'm sure history will repeat itself, if not."
DICKINSON: Yes.
Well, I think, at the holidays, sometimes the bigger family wins.
(CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: Really? Just sheer numbers, sheer numbers.
DICKINSON: Yes, sheer numbers. Also, sometimes the woman's family ends up kind of winning the couple, because women tend to make arrangements a little more easily than men do. I actually think that this family can work this out by the older couple, the husband's family, can basically insert themselves into this young couple's life by offering to do something maybe on Christmas Eve.
Basically, have a conversation and say, what are your plans? We'd love to come over on Christmas. We have some gifts. Why don't we cook some soup? Not to impose too much, but you do want to enjoy the holiday together at some point.
O'BRIEN: And just a final thought. When you get together with family members, there are always those kind of -- well, I suppose they're well-meaning, but they're usually a bit nosy and they're a bit prying and there are sometimes quite rude questions. What's the best way? You just kind of laugh it off and move on?
DICKINSON: Well, I love -- I don't think we do this enough. I love the idea of kind of pleasantly distracting somebody. If somebody asks you
(CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: Divert. Just like kids. Always divert, right?
DICKINSON: Always. It's just like dealing with toddlers, Miles.
O'BRIEN: Yes.
DICKINSON: Somebody asks you a rude question, you say, I love your blouse. Tell me about that. Just really...
(CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: Just keep on moving.
(CROSSTALK)
DICKINSON: Or you could say, like, moving on, moving on.
O'BRIEN: Yes. Next question.
(CROSSTALK)
O'BRIEN: All right, Amy Dickinson, happy holidays to you and yours. And I hope you don't have to employ too much of your advice as you spend the holidays with your group. I'll keep your advice close to heart.
Thanks very much.,
DICKINSON: Thank you.
O'BRIEN: All right. We'll see you soon.
TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com
