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American Morning

America's New War: How Do You Help Kids Cope with Their Fear and Grief?

Aired September 25, 2001 - 10:32   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
PAULA ZAHN, CNN ANCHOR: So how do you help kids cope with their fear and their grief? We're going to put that question now to child psychologist Denise Daniels. She is cofounder of the National Childhood Grief Institute, and she joins us this morning from Minneapolis.

Good to see you, welcome.

DENISE DANIELS, CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST: Good morning, Paula.

ZAHN: You know, Denise, any of us who have children have really struggled about exactly what we should tell them, and I know in my case what I've told -- and I have three of them. What I told them is very different from what I told their brother or sister.

What general guidelines can you give parents today?

DANIELS: Well, I think it's really important that we consider the age of the child. The information you would give to 4, 5 and 6- year-old would be very different than you give to a child that is, perhaps eight, nine and 10 and maybe in high school, but it's also important to remember that we often call children the forgotten grievers. They often lack the verbal skills or the coping mechanisms to deal with such a traumatic event. And it's also important for us to reassure them, and to reinforce that we're there to take care of them, to make them feel safe and secure, because the world isn't safe and secure right now, and they know that.

ZAHN: And as we all know, sometimes kids really don't want to communicate what is going on deep inside of them. What are some of the warning signs parents should look for now to see if kids are having bad dreams, and less obvious problems?

DANIELS: Well, I think that's important. If a child having bad dreams, as you just mentioned, Paula, or perhaps they're difficulty sleeping. Maybe they're not socially interacting like they used to. They may become more withdrawn, more sullen. Children don't grieve the same way adults do. They can't sustain their grief. They grieve intermittently. One minute, they may be outside playing with friends and having a good time, and the next minute, they may be withdrawn and not feeling like playing at all. And play is very important part of child's life. That's how they work through all their feeling. It's a wonderful opportunity for them to express their feeling and manage situations.

So play is very important at a time like this, too. But if you see that your child beginning to socially withdraw, not to play, to have a change in appetite, a change in their sleep patterns. Those are all signs that the child really needs support.

ZAHN: And I think that -- and because I've heard from parents in letters that I received, that we might not fully appreciate the impact this has had on children and their sense of security, who live outside of New York City.

DANIELS: That's right. Because the children who live in New York City or Washington D.C., or even Pennsylvania have been dramatically traumatized and directly traumatized. Children across the country, though, are picking up on what's going on around them. Our families are watching more television than ever before. They're hearing the news stories. We learn with children during the Gulf War as much as we want to protect our children from what's going on, it's very difficult to do, because they hear kids talking about it on the playground. They hear their parents talking about it. They pick up. Kids are very intuitive. They're very sensitive and perceptive, and they pick up on what's going on around them.

And so it is so important to be able to talk to our children, to comfort them, to give them age-appropriate information.

And we've also found in times of grief that if we can increase structure, keep the routine as consistent as possible. Bedtimes, mealtimes -- those are very important things to do to support children right now.

ZAHN: Denise, closing thought now, on some of the ideas you have in a workbook to help parents and children work through various phases of grieving. Is there anything we can all try at home?

DANIELS: Well, I think there are lots of things we can be doing at home, and that's why we wrote this workbook. And it's a free, public service that's been done by the Toys 'R' Us corporation, so the workbooks are free at Toys 'R Us stores. And parents can get them or they can download them onto them on the Web site, but some of the things that we really encourage kids to do is to get involved, to do things for other families that may be suffering right now, to be proactive. It helps them to feel a sense of competency, if we can encourage kids. Lots of kids are collecting money, and they're sending letters. The children in Oklahoma, they sent the Teddy Bears with notes to the children in New York. Anything that we can teach our children to do that would be proactive, to help them to feel like they're doing something, can make a dramatic difference in feeling they have control over the situation.

ZAHN: Some very good advice from Denise Daniels. Thanks very much for being with us this morning.

DANIELS: Thank you.

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