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American Morning

Is Paul McCartney's Plan to Marry Fiancee Driving a Wedge Between Him and Children From First Marriage?

Aired March 07, 2002 - 07:40   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
PAULA ZAHN, CNN ANCHOR: Is Paul McCartney's plan to marry his fiancee, Heather Mills, driving a wedge between him and the children from his first marriage? Reports have suggested that his kids are real upset with the couple's plans to start a new family. And while the McCartney family feud is getting the celebrity treatment, the family issues are the same ones many couples face when giving marriage a second chance.

According to renowned family psychologist, Dr. Kenneth Leman -- Kevin, that is -- second families often don't blend, they collide. And he joins us this morning from Buffalo, New York. Good morning, nice to see you again.

KEVIN LEMAN, PSYCHOLOGIST: Good morning, Paula -- nice to be with you.

ZAHN: Thank you. So doctor, when we talk about this potential collision of the McCartney family here, this is pretty predictable isn't it?

LEMAN: It is. I say in one of my books, "We have seen the enemy and they are small." In this case, Paula, they're big. They're adult children. And it's very, very common for kids to drive a wedge between you as a couple. So if you're going to go in the blender, as I call it, you better be ready to be shoulder to shoulder, because the kids will divide you and conquer you and devour you.

ZAHN: Now when you go through this blender for the first time, is there any pattern as to who has more patterns with this, the sons or the daughters?

LEMAN: Well in Paul's case, it would be predictably the daughter. Daddies and daughters have a special bond between them, as do mothers and sons. So there's usually the rub. But what you have to remember about a blended family, Paula, it takes three to seven years for a blended family to work, to make it. And the foundation of the blended family is cemented with a mortar of anger, guilt, bitterness, hurt and anger.

If you noticed, I used anger twice. And so what blended families have to do is sit down and have what I call anger meetings and just talk things through. It's all about commitment, it's not about just feelings, feelings, feelings. ZAHN: Well it also is often a reflection of how horrible a divorce was, right? And now it appears in this country of the 1.2 million couples that get divorced every year, at least one of those partners didn't have legal advice. What's the impact of that?

LEMAN: That's right. Well, I'll tell you. You know, now we have the -- the click on. You can click on, and for $249 you can get a divorce. And I think it's symptomatic of the lack of respect we show for marriage in our society. I call them pamper-like. They get soiled, you throw them away.

And back to feelings, you know, you just can't run your life on your feelings. Paula, if you and I followed are feelings for just 30 days, we'd end up in a county jail together. So what I'm saying is, what about commitment and hard work? And you talk to anybody who's been married a long time and they'll tell you there were some rough spots. So my advice is hang in there. It's best for your kids, it's best for you to stay a married couple.

ZAHN: Come back to this online service, though. It's called completecase.com, where you just described with just a click of a mouse you can start divorce proceedings. Does this process work? Would you recommend this for people who are trying to avoid high legal costs?

LEMAN: Well I'm sure it works. But I can't think of anything worse than that cavalier, that flip of an idea to just dissolve your marriage. Again, I'm one that tries to get couples together. And, again, I think some of the greatest marriages that I've been able to help put together, they've gone through really tough times They were at divorce's door, but they make it.

And when the tough gets going, they suck it up and make it happen. And like I say, I've been married 34 years in a row. And that's the hard part -- in a row. And we've got five kids from 29 to nine. We had a baby at 42 and 44 and one at 47 and 49. Those are curve balls in a marriage, but it also makes you stronger as a couple.

ZAHN: So what is your advice to people who are having trouble out there, that see the convenience of this online service and they want to make a clean break?

LEMAN: For $249, I'd invest in a good marriage counselor who wants to get rid of you. In other words, someone who's willing to roll up their sleeves, see what the issues are and try to solve them. Most people who are married today don't realize that when they got married there were six people who were married, Paula, not two. You marry your in-laws -- there's a comforting thought. And all the problems in that family, guess what, you bite the bullet when you walk down the flower-strewn aisle. So my advice is, hang in there, you can do it.

ZAHN: I guess I didn't realize how crowded it was when I walked down the aisle that day, Kevin.

LEMAN: It was. It was, Paula. ZAHN: I thought I was only marrying one person. All right. Kevin Leman, as always, great to see you. Dr. Kevin Leman, of course, who's written a number of books, including books on blended families. I appreciate your perspective this morning.

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