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American Morning

Actress and Model Tawny Kitaen Getting Some Very Unwanted Attention

Aired April 05, 2002 - 07:49   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
PAULA ZAHN, CNN ANCHOR: She is perhaps best known for her sexy outfits in music videos and B movies, but this morning, actress and model, Tawny Kitaen, is getting some very unwanted attention. She was arrested earlier this week and charged with spousal abuse against her husband, Major League baseball pitcher, Chuck Finley. Police say Kitaen attacked Finley with her high heeled shoes during an argument in their car.

Now, while we hear more about domestic abuse by men against women, abuse by women against men has also reached alarming levels, so Phillip Cook has written a book on the subject. He joins us now from Portland, Oregon this morning. Also with us from Chicago is Dave Nevers, a domestic survivor -- good morning, gentlemen -- thank you for both for being with us.

PHILLIP COOK, AUTHOR: Good morning.

DAVID NEVERS, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVOR: Good morning, Paula.

ZAHN: Good morning. So, David, you lived for a long time in what you have described as an abusive relationship. What happened to you?

NEVERS: Well, I guess the first part of the marriage I suffered what I will call low-level aggression, slaps, being slapped, being hit, having things thrown at me. It really kind of escalated, though, when I lost a job, and we were kind of moving toward a divorce. Then it escalated to some serious violence, where I made several trips to the emergency room.

ZAHN: What did your wife do to you?

NEVERS: Oh, I have had second degree burns. I have had a broken nose, a torn kneecap, a concussion, stitches from having a piece of broken window removed from me.

ZAHN: You know, we are looking at these pictures of your ex- wife, and I am sure what is going through everyone's mind is, wait a minute. How can this be? You were much larger than your wife. You stayed in this marriage for 15 years. Why did you put up with it?

NEVERS: Well, first of all, the issue of being larger, that's one of the misconceptions that I think we really have to deal with. We tend to stereotype domestic abuse by whoever the larger person is is the aggressor, and that's really not always the case, as I found out.

Why did I stay? I guess my mom and dad had been married for 53 years, and my dad passed away. I understood that marriage was a lifetime commitment, and that's why I stayed. When things started to fall apart during the divorce, I stayed because I wanted to get custody of my children.

ZAHN: And I think that is a reason why a lot of people stay in bad relationships today. Phillip, we are going to look at some of the statistic now, and as we put this up on the screen, I think we need to also, for a little perspective, remember that 95 percent of all domestic violence cases involve women getting hurt by men. But people might be surprised by these statistics put together by the Department of Justice. Some 840,00 men are victims of domestic violence every year by an intimate partner, which means that every 37.8 seconds in America, a man is battered.

Now, that same report says that men in domestic violence incidents are most likely to be threatened or cut with a knife, hit with an object, kicked, bitten or have something thrown at them. Tell us more, Phil, about the psychology here.

COOK: Well, I do need to correct you probably in the 95 percent figure you mentioned there. In that same report, it showed that 1.5 million women are abused from that very same report. So if you do the math, that actually makes the number of abuse men out of the total, totaling nearly 40 percent out of all domestic violence victims. So I just want to correct that.

The psychology is much like David Nevers mentions, that is the first thing is, well, why do men stay? If they have children, there is grave concern, and unfortunately rightly so, that they may never see their children again. They don't feel that they will get a fair shake in the courts regarding custody no matter what happens or what she does.

And it's actually true. There are many cases that I know of in which a woman was actually arrested for domestic violence still receive custody of the children. And of course, the men fear that in the hands of a controlling and vindicate spouse, they may never see their children again. So that's certainly a reason in those cases why men stay.

ZAHN: David, what was the biggest mistake you made as you look back on I know what you would describe as an increasingly tortured marriage?

NEVERS: I think the first mistake I made, the serious mistake was that I didn't recognize it as a pattern of aggression. Probably the next mistake, which was equally important, was the first time I went to the emergency room, I couldn't admit what happened. I told them that I was backing up in the house, and I backed into the glass storm door, and that's how it had broken, that's how I was cut by it. I just wasn't willing to admit that this was really going on. ZAHN: And what did happen after each time your wife would hurt you like this? Would you separate for a while?

NEVERS: No. We stayed under the same roof until the divorce was final. She would typically either deny that anything happened, or try to pass it off as an accident, something that she never intended to happen.

ZAHN: So in closing this morning, your book was one of the first to tackle this issue of what you say is an increasing phenomenon in this country, and you have been quite active in trying to educate people about the perils of it. What progress has been made?

COOK: Well, I think the progress is slow, although we are seeing the beginnings of a trend, if you will. There is now a national organization called SAFE, Stop Abuse for Everyone. There is a Web site, www.safe -- with the number -- 4all.org or just plug in Stop Abuse for Everyone. And that has had some success in education, which is the first step really from the American Medical Association to the American Bar Association on down to the local police departments, social service agencies, crisis lines and shelters and so on. The training is available, so it certainly has the trainers available.

It should be inundated really with calls for training and presentations, so that folks can adopt a gender inclusive instead of a gender exclusive program. It's really just a matter of basic fairness, of justice, and nondiscrimination, because when discrimination happens, that hurts, of course, everyone. And it certainly hurts women too, as well as men. For example, there are very few anger management programs for women in this country, and those who are suffering, you know, some problems with their anger and controlling it, and they are available for men. Of course, men may get to go to jail, but those programs really aren't available for women.

And then discrimination also filters down to our treatment of same-sex violence, which also occurs. So...

ZAHN: All right. We are going to have to leave it there this morning. Phillip Cook, congratulations on your book. Thank you for your time this morning.

COOK: Thank you.

ZAHN: And thank you for getting up at that horrible time in the morning, Portland time.

COOK: It's all right.

ZAHN: And Dave Nevers, we appreciate your telling us your very painful story and we hope your wife gets on a little happier track. You seem more at peace than that painful time of your life -- thank you for your time this morning.

NEVERS: Thank you.

COOK: Thank you.

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