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American Morning
Interview with Laura Doyle, "The Surrendered Single"
Aired May 01, 2002 - 09:47 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
PAULA ZAHN, CNN ANCHOR: All right, here are some numbers that might make you think a little here. According to census figures for the year 2000, 35 percent of all people between the ages of 25 and 35 have never been married. In the 35 to 44 age group, the number is 15 percent, and over the past three decades, the number of women ages 30 to 34 who have never been married has nearly quadrupled. So, what's a single woman to do?
Surrender, says author Laura Doyle, but she doesn't mean give up. On the contrary, it's a strategic retreat. In the world of modern dating, Laura Doyle is old school. Her new book is "The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who's Right for You."
And Laura Doyle is here, and she is going to take your phone calls and your e-mails -- good morning.
LAURA DOYLE, AUTHOR, "THE SURRENDERED SINGLE": Good morning, Paula.
ZAHN: You surrendered long ago to marriage.
DOYLE: Yes, I did. I have been married almost 13 years now.
ZAHN: So what do you know about surrendering as a single person?
DOYLE: Well, I used to be single. It wasn't that long ago. You know, a surrendered single is just a woman who realizes that she can't control who asks her out, or when he is going to call her, or try to corner him into a commitment, because that never works. So instead of hunting for a man, she works on attracting one, and so she does.
ZAHN: We are going to put up on the screen some quick tips before we get to our phone calls and e-mails where you suggest what people should do. Admit you want to be married.
DOYLE: Right.
ZAHN: Smile at every man you see.
DOYLE: Yes.
ZAHN: Ask men to ask you out. DOYLE: Right, and people get a little confused about that one. What does that mean exactly? And it just means that if you meet a guy that you are interested in, you might give him your phone number, and say here, call me if you're interested.
ZAHN: And number four was accept dates with men you normally wouldn't.
DOYLE: Right.
ZAHN: And resist the urge to control men and never make ultimatums. Big heavy-duty list there.
DOYLE: You think so? I think surrendering is really about becoming your best self. I mean, people will sometimes ask me, well, when do you go back to being your real self? I say, this is your real self, it's your best self. I mean, you are going to be respectful. If shows up with a shirt that you think is dorky, instead of making a critical comment you just accept his choices for himself.
ZAHN: We could all learn to do that in every day relationships. Let's move on to our first e-mail from Bill.
He writes, "Maybe the key to finding a man is to change the way women think about men and themselves. I am a highly-eligible, 43- year-old bachelor in Washington. Most of the women I meet are either obsessed with work, or they are attracted to jerks."
DOYLE: Well, I have got a good tip for Bill, actually. A lot of people write a book and just say, There you go, you're on your own. But what I did was I created a web site where it's a safe, comfortable place for like-minded people to meet. So, the surrendered singles are there, and the men who want to date them can go to surrenderedsingle.com. So, there you go, Bill.
ZAHN: We are going to take our first phone call from Susan in Ohio. Good morning, Susan.
CALLER: Good morning, how are you all doing this morning?
ZAHN: We are doing great, thanks.
CALLER: Good. I actually totally subscribe to the philosophies that y'all have mentioned so far, and my situation is...
ZAHN: Are you single, Susan?
CALLER: I'm 36 years old, and I have recently had three situations with three men that are 39 years old and never been married, and it is obvious to me why they've never been married, and what I think it is -- especially with these three guys, and I haven't quite figured how to deal with it is they don't know how to court. They don't know how to be a gentleman. Don't know that they have to woo a woman, and I am not talking about going overboard with a woman, I'm just saying that a gentleman, in my view, should go 75 percent of the way and the woman, I am talking the first date or two... DOYLE: Well, Susan the problem here...
CALLER: ... should go 25 percent of the way.
DOYLE: Since you can't control how they are going to woo you, or if they are going to woo you, then you have to make a decision -- I mean, that is out of your control, so you can say, you know what, these guys aren't right for me because they are not approaching me the right way. The only thing you can change is how you behave, and men may respond to you differently. In fact, I will tell you, they will respond to you differently when you change the way you behave, but if those guys aren't right for you, the only thing you can do is say, "Next."
ZAHN: Move on. All right. Next e-mail from Claire.
She writes, "Do women really have to play hard to get when meeting a man they want to date? Do we really have to wait for the man to be the aggressor, not calling him back right away, not asking him out, not being 'too available'? Why is dating filled with such games?"
DOYLE: Absolutely. I don't recommend any of those things. I don't recommend playing hard to get. I think the best way to be is straight forward, and enthusiastic, and honest about how you feel, and what you want. It is a big part of surrendering.
ZAHN: Except when it comes to his shirt.
DOYLE: Well -- yes, except, you also want to have some manners in the relationship. That's an important part of being intimate, is not being critical of someone. That's how you begin to feel safe, and then people will open up, and be their real selves.
ZAHN: Our next phone call is from Margaret who happens to be a widow, and she has a question for you now. Good morning, Margaret.
CALLER: Good morning, Paula. Good morning, Laura. I was just wondering, I think the rules are a little different when you are a widow. I have seven children, and trying to meet somebody -- if the children don't scare them off, the whole aspect of dating somebody who has children kind of scares people, and I don't know if the approach is different. How would you handle that?
DOYLE: That is...
ZAHN: That's a really good question.
DOYLE: That is.
ZAHN: Because there are a lot of widowed people out there.
DOYLE: Oh, yes. It's a really interesting challenge, but just to give you some hope, I actually know a story. This was on Oprah where a woman had five children, she had given up on dating completely. A man from her church asked her out. They hit it off right away, and now he is a wonderful father to those five children. He used the money he was saving for a motorcycle to buy a house with seven bedrooms so that they could all live there. So, there's hope for everyone. There's certainly hope for you, and I hope that you will consider getting yourself out there, making yourself available to the right man.
ZAHN: Luck may strike. We are going to close with a final e- mail from Elizabeth who writes, "Where do attractive, educated, professional, and middle aged women go to find potential partners with similar backgrounds?"
DOYLE: Well, one of the things that you can do is start just making yourself available where you normally go. I think a lot of people advise you, start going where the men are, and you don't really have to do that. As long as you are smiling at people you see, and asking men to invite you out, I certainly recommend that join a dating service, if not surrenderedsingles.com, another one, where you can remind yourself how very attractive you are, and see how men many are interested in taking you out.
ZAHN: Aren't you glad you aren't single? You've gone through all this. We all have. It's exhausting.
DOYLE: I think it looks like a lot of fun. What is not to love about dating? It is all about how attractive you are, and someone taking you out and treating you specially, and buying your dinner, and opening your door. So what is not to love about it.
ZAHN: Yes, if the guy does all that stuff.
DOYLE: Well...
ZAHN: It is not a given, as you can tell from our phone calls.
DOYLE: That's true, but a lot of it is how the women behave. If you are not -- if you are acting like you don't want those things, then men won't do that.
ZAHN: That's true, too.
DOYLE: So, we have to kind of watch -- I mean, a lot of times the women will go to pay for the check at the end of dinner, and that's a great way to tell a guy hey, I just want to be friends, you know.
ZAHN: We do know how to send signals, don't we?
DOYLE: We do.
ZAHN: Laura Doyle, great to see you. Good luck with the book.
DOYLE: Thank you, Paula.
ZAHN: The name of the book, "The Surrendered Single." Thanks again.
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