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American Morning
Interview with Louise Oxhorn, Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood, "Stepwives"
Aired May 14, 2002 - 07:47 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
JACK CAFFERTY, CNN ANCHOR: At the beginning of this segment, a couple of statistics to keep in mind. Fifty-five percent of all first marriages end in divorce. Sixty-five percent of all second marriages end in divorce. That said, the relationship between ex-wife and stepmother can often be summed up with a series of four-letter words, one of which might be hate. Others we cannot share on a family program with you.
Sharing your child with another woman can be a very tough and volatile and emotional situation as evidenced by Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts in the movie, "Stepmom" -- watch.
(BEGIN MOVIE CLIP)
SUSAN SARANDON, ACTRESS: And the next time something happens and the stakes are really high, she's going to look back on this and she's going to remember how easy it was and how good it felt.
JULIA ROBERTS, ACTRESS: And she's going to stand up for herself. Dear God, what have I done?
SARANDON: You have turned her into you.
(END MOVIE CLIP)
CAFFERTY: So why can't wives number one and two bury the hatchet and just get along? Well, it's not always that easy. You are about to meet two women, though, who were once enemies and now are collaborators. They have written a new book. It's called "Stepwives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-wives and Stepmothers end the Struggle and put the Kids First." Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood, the ex-wife, and Louise Oxhorn, the stepmother, are both with us now -- nice to have you with us -- good morning.
LOUISE OXHORN, "STEPWIVES": Thank you.
LYNNE OXHORN-RINGWOOD, "STEPWIVES": Hi.
CAFFERTY: If you buy that idea that it's always darkest just before the dawn, how tough did it get before you got it turned around?
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: Well, we hated each for 10 years, and had a terrible argument, because one day we both showed up wearing the same pair of shoes. OK. I know.
CAFFERTY: Well, hey, but it was a catalyst that turned out to be a blessing in disguise, right?
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: It was.
OXHORN: Yes.
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: It was.
CAFFERTY: What was it about the sandals that were symptomatic of all that had gone before and that finally tipped you both over the edge?
OXHORN: Well, in that moment when we saw each other wearing the same shoes, we had a realization that our lives weren't our own, and we had to do something. We just could not go on being petty, jealous women arguing over a pair of shoes.
CAFFERTY: What was it then -- I mean, did you just both come to this realization at the same moment, kind of looked at each other and say, hey wait, this has gone on long enough, this is silly, we've got to figure out a better way? Or who made the first overture?
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: Well, it blew up, and there were apologies. And then we talked about it, and we realized we were both feeling the same way.
CAFFERTY: Why is it that ex-wives and present wives can't get along or don't get along or it's difficult for them to get along?
OXHORN: Ex-wives and stepmothers are predisposed to dislike each other. It's primal. It's about sharing the same territory, and for the mother, that territory is her children. For the stepmother, that territory is her man. And so oftentimes those lines get blurred causing chaos for everyone around them.
CAFFERTY: During the 10 years that you didn't get along, how did the husband and the child react? And I ask that question from a personal perspective. I have lived through having two wives, two sets of kids, and some of the -- not to the degree that you have described here, but some of the emotional tensions that can result because of that. What about Evan (ph) and the husband? How did they fit into this when you were at each other's throats all this time?
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: Well, I'll take the question about Evan (ph), and I'll let Louise talk about Greg (ph).
CAFFERTY: OK.
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: Evan (ph) was a pretty self-respectful child, and he was kind of able -- when we ever put him in the middle, he was kind of able to get us back on course and say, well, if we asked him a question, he would say, well, why don't you go ask my dad? Or why don't you ask Louise? And he was able to take himself out of the middle pretty well. CAFFERTY: A tough spot for him to be in though as a child, right?
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: Right. Right.
CAFFERTY: And what about the husband?
OXHORN: Greg (ph), it was very difficult, because of course, he needed to still communicate with Lynne.
CAFFERTY: Sure.
OXHORN: She is the mother of his child.
CAFFERTY: You have to.
OXHORN: And of course, he needed to make me, his wife, happy. So Greg (ph) is what we call the man in the middle, and men often find themselves not really knowing what to do in the middle of these two warring women.
CAFFERTY: All right. One of the things you have come up with in the book is a list of ideas that can be helpful if people watching are in the same or a similar situation. Let's put those guidelines up and talk quickly about what some of them are. Put the kids first. Easier said that done sometimes. I mean, adults have emotions and feelings too, as you talked about earlier. But try to put the kids first, right?
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: Right. Putting the kids first is crucial, absolutely crucial in this relationship, but what happens often with the step wife conflict is that the kids get put in the middle instead. And we know that kids want their mothers and their stepmothers to get along.
CAFFERTY: All right. Let's put the rest of those up, and let's just take a look at them as we kind of finish this up. Obviously respect each other. That goes without saying in any kind of a human relationship. Set limits and boundaries. Quickly, what do you mean by that?
OXHORN: Setting limits and boundaries, it's very difficult when you are sharing the same space, as we said earlier. So it's really important, for example, we encourage the mother to call the stepmother's house and talk to her children, just not 10 times a day.
CAFFERTY: Yes, I hear that. Empathize and acknowledge feelings.
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: OK. Well, what we know about that is if step wives can empathize with each other, they can begin to see each other as human beings and not just as the enemy. And they can begin to heal the relationship.
CAFFERTY: Well, I congratulate the two of you for resolving what I know is a potentially very difficult relationship and getting everything on the right track. For those of you watching who might be experiencing the same kind of a thing with today's new nuclear family, where you have a present wife and an ex-wife and kids involved, the book is called "Stepwives." The co-authors are Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood, who is the first wife, and Louise Oxhorn, who is the second wife. And they put a lot of wisdom between the covers. I thank you for being here.
OXHORN: Thank you very much.
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: Thank you.
CAFFERTY: Nice to talk to both of you.
OXHORN-RINGWOOD: Thank you.
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