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CNN Sunday Morning
Have You Ever Been Angry at Your Children?
Aired July 15, 2001 - 08:37 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
KYRA PHILLIPS, CNN ANCHOR: All right, here's a question for mothers. Have you ever been angry at your children? Well, I think we know that answer. But how angry have you been, and what did you do about it?
Well, our next guest has a book dealing with this subject. It's appropriately titled, "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger." And we want to welcome Julie Ann Barnhill. She's been a public school teacher, a stay-at-home mom, a lecturer on anger management for mothers, and we're going to talk about this book.
JULIE ANN BARNHILL, AUTHOR, "SHE'S GONNA BLOW": Yeah.
PHILLIPS: I love the title, "She's Gonna Blow."
BARNHILL: Thanks, thanks.
PHILLIPS: We can all relate to that, right?
BARNHILL: I definitely think so.
PHILLIPS: Now what happened in your life or among your friends that triggered this book? I mean, were you on the verge of therapy?
BARNHILL: Well, actually, yes. I was an only child growing up so everything was cool and then I had kids, and all of a sudden I found myself saying things and thinking things and doing things and things driving me crazy that I never, ever read about in a book. I know that I spent like $700 on books and I never mention that kids can shut down their systems and decide to boycott going to the bathroom and such things like that. So, just things like that -- just drove me nuts.
PHILLIPS: Well, let's talk about it. You use the metaphor of a volcano in your book, OK? So maybe we should begin with, how do you divert this anger as a mom before the eruption?
BARNHILL: Right, well, I think one of the most important things is to lighten up. You know, I think we take ourselves so seriously. And my generation especially -- we've just read so many books about how to have it all together. And, you know, sometimes my daughter poked my rear end in a bank lobby with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people around.
PHILLIPS: I probably did that to my mom a time or two.
BARNHILL: And, you know, "Big bottom, big bottom." And then she changed it to, "Big butt, mom, big butt." And that's just so precious. And, you know, you laugh or die, right?
So I think so many times you can just lighten up and not take things quite so seriously. And then you have serious things in your life with your kids that I think sometimes you just have to choose laughter. You just have to choose to find something somewhere in there.
PHILLIPS: Why do we get so angry? I mean, these are our children, we love them, they're a part of us -- yet, I mean, that anger just builds up and you wonder how we get to this point?
BARNHILL: Exactly. Well, this is really profound.
PHILLIPS: OK.
BARNHILL: I'm an expert. Anger just is. It just is an emotion like everything else, and then these kids come along -- and I have found, you know what? They're so much like me. That's kind of ugly to see when that kid that's just driving you nuts, pushing every button -- all of a sudden it's like, wait a minute, he wants to control the world. Well, so do I.
You know, he wants to be in charge of everything. Well, so do I. And you see yourself a lot of times. So, sometimes you just have to step back and think -- you have to actually use your brain.
PHILLIPS: Do you have some strategies?
BARNHILL: Yes, I do.
PHILLIPS: All right, give me some strategies right now.
BARNHILL: Simple things.
PHILLIPS: OK.
BARNHILL: Wear house slippers so you don't get Cheerios stuck between your toes.
PHILLIPS: That's the worst.
BARNHILL: That's so irritating.
PHILLIPS: Or Fruit Loops.
BARNHILL: Or Fruit Loops. Depending on -- no healthy cereals around with sugar on them. And think before you -- think, just think about what's going on. Plan ahead. Know your child.
That's one of the biggest things, is temperament. Know your child's temperament. And if they need a nap, don't take them to Sears and go walking around and then get irritated because they do what kids do. Know kids in their developmental stages, know what to expect, what not to expect. And then, just lighten up and don't worry about how they act in public 100 percent of the time.
That's what always gets the biggest response when I speak. You just hear this audible, "Uhhh!" Because you know, moms are like, "Don't act like that. I can't believe you did that!" Because it's a reflection on me, you know? So you just have to lighten up.
PHILLIPS: Now, on this Sunday we of course have to touch on -- you add some biblical foundations for this change.
BARNHILL: Right.
PHILLIPS: How do you incorporate that?
BARNHILL: Well, I -- for me, it was -- I needed a heart change, because I just -- my kids -- I loved my kids, but they were just kind of burdens instead of blessings. So I just -- I believe in speaking truth, even if you don't necessarily believe it at that moment.
And one of the things I encourage moms to say is just, "Children are blessings, children are blessings," because that is scriptural, OK? We may not always believe it. So when you're in the middle of the grocery store and they're just wigging out on you -- "Children are blessings, children are blessings,"
PHILLIPS: What about when they're smoking and they're drinking and they're rebelling at 16?
BARNHILL: Well, I think that's definitely a biblical concept that you just -- you just can't control that. I mean, isn't that so much of what it is -- wanting to control and know what's best for them, but they just don't understand that? So to know that God is watching over them, that he is taking care of it. And he loves us as mothers, he really does. He didn't give them to us just to irritate us and make us crazy, really.
PHILLIPS: One thing, one small thing before we let you go quickly. If you want anyone to remember from your book, it would be?
BARNHILL: Just let it go. That's what I say to so many moms and dads. Let go. Choose what's best, let go of the rest. You know, concentrate on those kids and if there are things that are just -- causing it, let it go -- just let it go and laugh and laugh.
PHILLIPS: Yeah, we do try to find humor in everything, don't we?
BARNHILL: Yes.
PHILLIPS: "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger." Julie Ann Barnhill, thank you so much.
BARNHILL: Thanks so much for having me.
PHILLIPS: All right.
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