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CNN Sunday Morning

Interview with Dr. Michael Popkin

Aired May 19, 2002 - 08:38   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
MILES O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: Well, the Girl Scouts have a new merit badge; it's the Stress Merit Badge. How apropos. Any parent these days can relate to the difficulties in over-scheduling or under- scheduling your child, and so as a result the Girl Scouts are responding. You can do all kinds of merit badges, just the traditional ones, and now you can also learn stress management. Dr. Michael Popkin is here to talk about that.

That seems -- it's good to have you with us -- that seems so appropriate these days. I'm sure you hit this time and again from parents.

DR. MICHAEL POPKIN: It's a high-stress world out there. It's no different for kids. I think the Girl Scouts are right on target with this. Teaching kids how to cope with stress.

O'BRIEN: Is there any way to boil this down into an easy maxim that people can latch onto, as you're presented with all these opportunities for your children?

POPKIN: Yes, I'd say each -- find your child's optimum range. You know, we think about stress being bad, but it's not. Stress can be really good. It helps motivate us, it helps peak awareness. It helps us become the best we can be.

The key is to find your child's optimum range. Too much stress is bad, too little stress is bad, too, though -- so sitting around being bored all summer is not good either.

O'BRIEN: Ah, good point. A little stress is not -- you gotta teach them that part of life, too, because stress does help us in some ways.

POPKIN: Right. Now, if your kids are getting overloaded with stress, if they're becoming anxious, if they're not eating, if they're getting sick a lot, if they're complaining that -- you know, there's just too much -- then you want to cut back and think about is it too much stress or do you just need to look at their coping skills, are they not thinking correctly about their problems and working them out?

O'BRIEN: So first, listen to your kids. That's probably a good thing to remember.

POPKIN: Yeah, communication is always important. O'BRIEN: All right. Let's get a couple of e-mails in here. This one is unsigned.

"I would like Dr. Popkin's opinion of leaving a 12 to 13-year-old girl home alone all week with a 3-year-old boy. This boy is very strong willed. I believe a 3-year-old child requires adult supervision on a full-time basis, and at least a 15- to 16-year-old babysitter on a couple of hour basis."

What do you think?

POPKIN: I think they're exactly right -- 13 is too young to be leaving a child alone, even overnight, much less for a whole week. That should be an adult. And, leaving kids alone by themselves can be real stressful for the child -- we talk about leaving kids seven -- five, six, seven years old by themselves is too much stress. Usually until they're about 11 or 12 it's not a good idea to leave your child alone much.

O'BRIEN: All right, let's give you another one from Tony from Ohio. "My wife is from Mexico, I'm from the U.S., and our daughter is just under two. Should we be speaking as much Spanish as possible; are we confusing her?"

POPKIN: I think it's great to get bilingual in our country right now, but you need to make sure she's able to speak English as the primary language, and then have Spanish as the second language.

Kids at a young age can master two languages a whole lot easier than you or I could at our age. I mean, there's a big window of opportunity, so helping your child become bilingual, even if Spanish isn't your native language, is a good opportunity.

O'BRIEN: I've heard it delays the English-speaking -- or speaking in general, somewhat, if you do it this way, but this is the time when they're little sponges for language.

POPKIN: Oh, they can master it. But, again, make sure you speak plenty of English also.

O'BRIEN: All right, let's go to the phone lines. Virginia is on the line from Alabama. Good morning, Virginia.

CALLER FROM ALABAMA: Good morning. Thank you for speaking with me about (UNINTELLIGIBLE).

I have a 9-year-old great-grandson who I am raising. His mother abandoned him. Sometimes -- I'm older -- and a significant amount of age -- and sometimes I think that I'm not doing the right thing in what I think is sheltering him, Dr. Popkin.

Do I lose my temper as normal, do I punish him as normal; his grades went down and he did not pass his third grade this year. School's out in Alabama already.

POPKIN: And the question is, are you doing... O'BRIEN: I guess the question is how strict to be with a child, given the circumstances, in particular. Do you offer a little more leniency for a child who is...

POPKIN: No, the circumstances don't matter so much. A lot of grandparents are raising kids these days. And, they're doing a wonderful job in coming forward and that's to really be commended.

But, unfortunately, the world has changed a lot in the last 40 or 50 years so what you might have found is appropriate parenting techniques -- you know, 40 or 50 years ago when you were raising your children, have changed and gotten a little bit out of date.

So, it's important for you to do a little homework, to do some reading on parenting, to maybe take a course to talk to other people, to find out what really is good discipline skills now for the 21st century. It's not the same thing as the 1950s.

O'BRIEN: And, Dr. Popkin is too courteous to plug his own books, but, he has about a dozen of them out there -- his latest one is "Getting Through to Your Kids."

Ah, look at that. We are ready with the graphic. Imagine that. I invite you to check out his books -- there's a lot of practical advice there.

Let's get another one in: "My son has recently become the target of teasing and rejection by a group of fifth-grade boys in my son's school. I think the boys pick on my son because he's different from them. He does not play football; he is not as big and strong, more into academics, half-Japanese, half-white. More liberal attitude, so on and so forth. What can I do to help my son, and change his situation?" From Susan.

POPKIN: That's a great question. Sometimes when kids are stressed out, you want to intervene yourself. Go down to the school, talk to somebody, work it out.

Other cases like this one, you really want to talk to your child about what he can do to solve the problem. And, that's where stress can be helpful in teaching kids problem-solving skills. Be empathetic, talk to your son about it, help him express his feelings and thoughts but then think about a strategy.

What can he do to help make some friends? You know, sometimes kids think that I've gotta be liked by a certain group of friends. We all need friends, but it doesn't have to be that group. If he can find one or two good friends, maybe in a different group, or find some ways to maybe make some inroads -- but you've got to treat it as a problem, and work through him. Look at his alternatives with him, and then maybe prevent some consequences.

O'BRIEN: But empower the child.

POPKIN: That's right. That's the whole idea of stress, is it's a way of motivating us to solve the problems in our lives. We don't want to just rescue kids from things they can solve themselves, but we want to work it out with them.

O'BRIEN: Otherwise, there will be problems when they're adults, won't there, potentially?

POPKIN: That's right.

O'BRIEN: All right, let's get a phone call in. Christine (ph) is in New Jersey. Good morning, Christine. Are you there? We lost Christine. So sorry about that; Christine, call us again sometime. We'd be happy to take your call. Let's do an e-mail.

This is a long one, but I'm sure this strikes a cord with a lot of people: "I'm a 40-year-old mother of two children. My daughter is 11, my son is five. I'm currently fighting metastasized breast cancer and my daughter and I have always been very close, had a good relationship. I remember being 11; it's a difficult time. But, nothing I say or do lately is right or good enough. I give her too little freedom, I give her too much. I don't give her anything; I spoil her. It seems she just feels whatever I do is wrong."

It goes on, but basically, she's asking for advice. How does she stay in -- especially with her health issues; that certainly adds a wrinkle to it -- how do you stay in contact with those children who are facing puberty?

POPKIN: Well, she's got two problems going on now. She's got a pre-pubescent child that's conflict enough, and difficult enough for most parents, and she's dealing with a major illness in her own right, so she's under a lot of stress, so she has to do two things.

One is to deal with her own illness, and her own stress with that. And, sometimes some outside counseling or some support on that is important for the parent. When we're under stress, we don't parent our best. So making sure she handles that problem.

And then looking at, again, the parenting skills part of it. How do you structure an environment for kids that isn't too stressful, or not stressful enough in terms of discipline and support, and what are the tools and the skills you need to do that effectively?

You know, kids are going to rebel, they're going to challenge us at 11 or 12, but it's up to us to know what we're doing well enough to be able not to fall prey.

O'BRIEN: Well, I suppose a parent who's facing a serious illness like that would expect to get a free pass from some of those puberty issues. That's not the case, is it?

POPKIN: No, it's not. Kids still have their issues, and they're not as sensitive to our needs as we'd like them to be. You know, kids are so into themselves right now that they're going to -- worry about what they're doing, and what's going on with them.

O'BRIEN: All right. Let's get a phone call in. Randy. Hopefully, Randy's still on the line with us. From Nebraska. Randy? Are you on the line? CALLER: Hello. How are you guys doing this morning?

O'BRIEN: We're doing well. Good to hear your voice.

CALLER: Hey, I'm a parent of six children.

O'BRIEN: Wow. Congratulations.

CALLER: Ages three, four, five, twelve, eighteen-year-old daughters, twins, and my four year old is going through a stage right now of pulling her hair out.

And I just -- I've talked to her, I've talked to her -- and she just acts like she doesn't know what I'm talking about. But, it's -- I don't know how to deal with it -- I've taken her to the doctor, and they put her on some type of a medication called Paxil.

POPKIN: Has that helped?

CALLER: Seems like she's got more hyper in the last two weeks, since she's been on the medication.

O'BRIEN: Oh, that's not good.

POPKIN: OK, so you took her to a medical doctor. Have you had her evaluated psychologically with a psychologist or another mental health professional?

CALLER: That is the next step.

POPKIN: That would be the next step. Pulling your hair out is serious enough when you want to bring in some professional consultation that it could be something physiological, but it also could be that's her way of dealing with what she's feeling is a massive amount of stress.

It's -- sometimes hurting yourself is a way of alleviating the buildup of chemicals that are -- they're feeling so stressful to you -- and what she'll need to do is to find out what's really bothering her, and find some other ways to deal with it. And, that may mean some short-term professional counseling.

O'BRIEN: Randy, we invite you to get some help on that one. Thank you very much for your call.

Al, from Groughton (ph), Connecticut has this e-mail for us: "What's the best method to teach a seven-month-old how to go to sleep by herself?"

There's that -- that's a perennial parent question. Getting the youngsters, the infants, to sleep.

POPKIN: Right. When you put her down, find a structure, even at 7 months -- maybe it's some music, maybe it's a little bit of backrub, maybe it's a prayer. Whatever is good -- I know they are counting on us to establish that, but put her down and stay with her till she's either close to sleep or you can leave some music on for her. A lot of times we've found that having a certain bedtime tape that we become associated with going to sleep, we can play that and leave. Use the rocking time, the reading time, but you know -- take about 20 minutes to really help her feel comfortable, relaxed, and then put her down in her own crib.

O'BRIEN: And then endure the cries.

POPKIN: Well, don't endure the cries. If she's immediately starts crying, go back, pick her up, reassure her, put her back down. And go back out.

If she continues to cry, go back out a little bit longer next time, maybe 10 minutes. Come back, reassure her again. Cries again? Come back in about 15 minutes. But, I don't believe in just letting kids cry it out. I think that can just build a lot of frustration. At the same time, you don't want to let her use the crying as a way to get what she wants in life, either.

O'BRIEN: Nothing's harder than hearing your own child wailing like that and not doing anything.

POPKIN: Yeah, you've got to do something, don't just ignore it.

O'BRIEN: All right. Dr. Michael Popkin, always a pleasure. We appreciate you being here to give us some good advice. We appreciate your good questions via e-mail and on the phone, and we'll keep doing this son a regular basis.

And, once again, the name of the book, which we'd be remiss if we didn't mention, is "Getting Through to Your Kids." That's just the latest in a long series, "Active Parenting" being the first, I believe, in the series. That was his thesis, and became one of the series of books on parenting.

We invite you to check out those books if you want to know more. Good to have you with us, you're welcome.

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