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CNN Sunday Morning

Interview With Author Iyanla Vanzant

Aired June 16, 2002 - 08:22   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
KYRA PHILLIPS, CNN ANCHOR: We're going to continue to take time out to give dad his due. We're going to talk now with best-selling author, Iyanla Vanzant, her latest book is called "Up From Here." It's about understanding the emotions of men.

She joins us now live from Washington. Can we really understand the emotions of men? Come on, Iyanla, tell me.

IYANLA VANZANT, AUTHOR "UP FROM HERE": Yes, we can. We can understand what it is that they feel, what it is that they think. But what we have to recognize is that men will express their emotions very different than we will as women.

And often, we misread what it is that they're trying to express to us.

PHILLIPS: So how do you not confuse a man's behavior with the truth of his intentions?

VANZANT: Well, what we have to do is look at what could possibly be causing, what are the emotions that cause some of the behavior that we see. Because we have to admit that in our lives, as women, we meet many men who have bad behavior. But that does not mean that they're bad men.

So what we want to do is we want to understand what it is that he could possibly be feeling that will show up very often as what we can term as bad behavior.

PHILLIPS: Why do a lot of men not have appropriate outlets for their emotions?

VANZANT: Well, from the men that I've experienced and the men that I've spoken to, it just seems that men are not given the tools or the skills or the process for the appropriate expression of their emotions. As women, we will talk, we will cry, we get together, we'll call a friend, we'll let her know what's going on.

Men are not expected to do that. They're more occupied by what I call the four P's. Performance, protection, provision and pleasing. So men want to do things. They want to perform in a certain way so that they can provide, so that they can protect, and so that they can please. So they're externally referenced. While women, who want to nurture and support and intuit and figure stuff out, we work from the inside out.

PHILLIPS: Isn't that true.

VANZANT: And they simply don't have the skills.

PHILLIPS: Well, let's talk about some of these men that you highlight in your book, OK?

VANZANT: Right.

PHILLIPS: And the principals that you talk about. And tell us some stories here.

VANZANT: Well, classic, I think, in today's society when we see a man who is involved in domestic violence, or substance abuse, or just acting out. What I call acting up and acting out. We would never think that this is a man who probably lives in a very deep place of terror. Terror in his own being. Terror that he's not going to perform or please or provide adequately. Terror that his inadequacies will be discovered.

Terror is just a heightened sense of fear. And we don't like to think of men who are afraid. And men very rarely say, "I'm afraid. I don't know. I need help." So what comes forward is a very aggressive and assertive, and sometimes damaging behavior that we then confuse as the truth of who this man is.

PHILLIPS: Say, on this Father's Day, I don't know, a man, father, husband watching this and listening to you right now. How can he reclaim his spirit today?

VANZANT: Well, there are some principles that I talk about in "Up From Here" and that I teach all over the country. One of the things that men have to be -- do is be aware. Be aware of what you do, how you do it and why you do it. Once you've become aware of it, you've got to acknowledge it.

A lot of times men will call bad behavior something else. Rather than acknowledge -- yes.

PHILLIPS: It's our fault.

VANZANT: Yes, it's our fault. Rather than acknowledge: This is what I do. Once you become aware and you acknowledge what you do, the first thing you want to do is you want forgive yourself. You want to forgive yourself for any way that your bad behavior has impacted or affected anyone else in your life.

Forgiveness is a big issue for all of us, but I think it's particularly challenging for men who aren't aware how their behavior impacts and who haven't acknowledged it.

Another principle I think men really want to embrace -- I know the ladies will like this -- is commitment. You got to be committed to change. You got to be committed to growth, committed to feel. Men have to know that it really is OK to feel what's going on in your being.

PHILLIPS: Iyanla Vanzant, thank you so much for inspiring us this morning.

VANZANT: Thank you for having me, and Happy Father's Day.

PHILLIPS: And same to you. Once again, Iyanla's book is "Up From Here: Reclaiming the Male Spirit." A beautiful book.

VANZANT: Thank you.

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