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CNN Sunday Morning

Interview With Peggy Post

Aired September 29, 2002 - 08:38   ET

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.

THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.


CATHERINE CALLAWAY, CNN ANCHOR: Kids today have no manners. That's probably what our parents said about us, right? And what their parents said about them. So how should kids behave? The rules, of course, are always changing. And here to give us her expert opinion is Peggy Post. She is the author of the "Gift of Good Manners." Thank you for being with us.
PEGGY POST, AUTHOR: Thank you, Catherine.

CALLAWAY: And we should say you're the great grand daughter-in- law of Emily Post. So what was it like marrying into that family? Do they all have good manners?

POST: Oh, they are very, very polite. But they also aren't stuffy about it. They just made me feel comfortable right away, and that's really what etiquette is all about.

CALLAWAY: That's right. And you obviously fit in very well. You have your own book out now. We were going to talk a little bit about teaching the kids to set the table, because, you know, everybody has to teach their kids how to do that. A little complicated sometimes to get kids to understand why you put things in certain places.

POST: Well, there's a reason we do this, and that's just to make it simple to eat, believe it or not. So if a table is set the same way every time, a child knows what to do, and so does an adult. So, the napkin and the fork on the left, the spoon and the knife on the right. And then you just start from the outside in.

So soup is first. The soup spoon is here. And then the child just takes the napkin and uses it. So it's really very simple.

CALLAWAY: But it's hard for kids to remember that.

POST: It is. It is.

CALLAWAY: They don't think that way, because they just eat whatever is in front of them.

POST: Right. Right.

CALLAWAY: You had a good suggestion about putting...

POST: Yes, for teaching children, right, for teaching children to set the table. You can actually help them by drawing it with them. And I have a little diagram here. And they love to help out, especially when they're 3 and 4. It's a great age to get your child involved.

CALLAWAY: You can laminate this too and use it as a play (UNINTELLIGIBLE). That's a great idea. What about writing notes? I go through this with my little girl. You know, they get gifts on their birthday. You've got to get the stationary and make it fun for them to write those notes.

POST: Sure, well, you hit the nail on the head. Try to make it fun for them, because then they will do it. And then tell them what you expect and expect it. People love to receive thank-you notes, and your child will feel really good about doing that.

CALLAWAY: Now, you have nice ones here, but I don't see the kind that has the sort of fill-in-the-blank ones. I know you moms know which ones I'm talking about, where it says, thank you for the -- and there is a whole for the gift. Are those rude to send out?

POST: Oh, not at all. And it's a great way to start out with children. They are some lined ones here. This is a little pack that crank puts out. It has little stickies that you can put on to make it more fun. And so just tell your child, help your child, even when they're 2 and they don't even know how to write, they can draw a picture.

CALLAWAY: But not an e-mail thank-you. You still got to get it, as they say, the snail mail way? You need to do that?

POST: People really like the warmth of a handwritten note. You may certainly e-mail and then follow up with a thank-you note, by good old-fashioned way.

CALLAWAY: All right, I'm going to ask you another question. (UNINTELLIGIBLE) e-mail, and we have been getting a lot of etiquette questions here. On the telephone, there's so many different gadgets now, from cell phone and call-waiting and those types of things. We almost need this book to help handle these new things. So what are some advice on...

POST: Well, we all need these ideas.

CALLAWAY: Call-waiting, for instance.

POST: Call-waiting.

CALLAWAY: Is it rude? Oh, it is rude.

POST: People don't like call-waiting. You can do it really quickly if you must use it. It comes in handy for emergencies, especially. So it's so crucial for parents to set a good example. And when they are out and out and about with their cell phones, don't have the ringer go off and drive everyone else crazy. Excuse yourself. Take your calls by way of a silent, the vibrating kind of thing, and then catch your messages by way of voice mail. We teach our children to do that, and they will be a lot better off. CALLAWAY: Do you have a hotline that I can perhaps call every now and then, just ask a question?

POST: We have a Web site.

CALLAWAY: Do you really?

(CROSSTALK)

CALLAWAY: Well, that's a great idea.

We're not going to let Peggy Post go just yet. When we come back, she is going to answer some of our questions. So you can give us a call. Be sure to use proper phone etiquette, though, no call- waiting. the number: 1-800-807-2620, and CNN SUNDAY MORNING will be right back with Peggy Post.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: Now for another lesson in proper etiquette for your children, here again, Peggy Post, the author of "The Gift of Good Manners." Thanks for being with us.

POST: Thank you.

CALLAWAY: We want to remind everyone that your question should be surrounding your children.

COOPER: Right, manners for children. And you can e-mail us at wam@cnn.com. Also, accepting phone calls. We have on the line Jessica from Tennessee. Jessica, what's your question?

CALLER: Yes, I'm curious, at what age should you start training your children?

POST: OK. I'm glad you asked that. Because really, start right away, when your child is born. And the book is set up developmentally. So starting at age 1 and under, you can start modelling for your child right then and there, and the child will pick up some routines. Everything you do. Talking kindly to...

COOPER: And the child really does pick it up from their parents.

POST: Right. And the book goes from age 0 up to age 18. And then it's all building blocks. It's not to have a big formal place setting for a 2-year-old, but to have fewer things at the table. So build, teach your child, for example, to use a spoon and then work up to a fork and then to a knife. So you start when they are really young and model all the time. And then teach what is age-appropriate.

CALLAWAY: That's so hard to teach all the time. Because a lot of people think, you know, your manners at home can be a little bit looser than they are out in public, right?

POST: Well, yes, and no. You can be informal, but you can still be mannerly. So there are so many chances throughout the day for busy parents to just bring out some ideas and say, oh, that was really great. Praise your child for being kind to a friend, or pull him aside if he's being nasty and say how do you think he feels.

COOPER: Do you think about manners, like, 24 hours a day? Like when you're out and you see people, like, do this, you sort of cringe at everything?

POST: Of course. But the great thing about manners, especially --and that's why we call this a gift. If your children have these skills, they don't have to think about them. They come more naturally. But it's so important...

(CROSSTALK)

CALLAWAY: We have lots of e-mails. We're going to move onto this one. This one is from Adrian. "What is the significance of and how do I get my kids to stop rolling their eyes when they are corrected?"

Oh, I'm going through that already.

POST: Well, they are trying to make a statement. So tell them after this happens, don't embarrass them in front of their friends, and say, that just makes people feel uncomfortable and I don't like it. And tell your child what you expect and then expect it. And then remind them afterwards.

COOPER: All right. This e-mail from Curt in Olney, Maryland. Curt writes: "My 13-year-old daughter and her friends tend to call adults other than their teachers by their first name. What's up with that? At the tender age of 35, am I that out of touch?"

Is that OK for kids?

POST: It really is up to the parents, but most adults expect children to use their titles. So if a parent says, this is what I want you to do, I want you to say, Mrs. Smith, whatever, and if the adult says "please call me Mary," then that exception is OK. Do what that individual adult says. But it's really still, most people expect and like that title thing. And then they may loosen up if the adult says no or if it's a good family friend.

CALLAWAY: Or you can just ask. My kids do.

All right, we have Tom on the line from Virginia. Good morning, Tom.

CALLER: Good morning.

CALLAWAY: Do you have a question?

CALLER: Yeah, I was wondering about -- I don't have any children myself. And occasionally, I run across children that do not have good manners. And I'm wondering, is it appropriate to kind of steer them in the right direction and even suggest maybe to their parents that they kind of work on the manner issue? POST: Well, I'm glad it's only occasionally that you come across children that aren't mannerly. It's a little touchy to tell a parent how to raise their child when it comes to manners, but you may certainly give some clues to the child.

Let's say a child is visiting your house. And you say at our table, it's a house rule, we take our baseball caps off at the table. You may do it that way. You may set some example. You may share some information. But it's really -- you can't really tell a parent, you're doing a terrible job with your child, or this child needs to be taught this. But you may set an example yourself as an adult, and a lot of times children pick that up.

COOPER: It's also a message that's not really received very well. I was in a McDonald's just the other day, and there was this mother who was like, you know, chewing with her mouth often, and literally, I heard her say to her kid, like, you should eat more nicely. I was like, well, how is she going to eat more nicely, you know?

POST: You've hit the nail on the head. It's called the golden rule of parenting, and that is behave in a way you want your children to behave. It's really that simple. It doesn't have to be that complicated, really.

CALLAWAY: We have another e-mail, this one from Lynn. It's a little lengthy, so I'm going to try to read it quickly. "I'm a teacher, and I don't really have a question, more of a comment. We spend so much time teaching simple table manners -- use a napkin, say please and thank you, don't belch in public" -- that's a good idea -- "walk around instead of between people who are speaking and say excuse me -- the list goes on and on. Parents who want teachers to teach math and reading should send children who have manners, and we'll have more time for the three R's."

That's a good point, though. Are the -- teachers are spending a lot of time having to teach good manners. It should start at home.

POST: It really should start at home. And the parents and teachers can do it together, really. And that's why it's great for parents to have conferences with teachers. Talk about these issues. But the teachers can support what the parents are doing at home, and that's (UNINTELLIGIBLE) children, don't push in line. Let's remember to share. Let's not interrupt. Those little reminders can come throughout the day, but the parents really need to do it too.

COOPER: All right. Well, Peggy Post, thanks very much for being with us.

POST: It's been a pleasure.

CALLAWAY: Thank you. Thanks for coming.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com







Aired September 29, 2002 - 08:38   ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
CATHERINE CALLAWAY, CNN ANCHOR: Kids today have no manners. That's probably what our parents said about us, right? And what their parents said about them. So how should kids behave? The rules, of course, are always changing. And here to give us her expert opinion is Peggy Post. She is the author of the "Gift of Good Manners." Thank you for being with us.
PEGGY POST, AUTHOR: Thank you, Catherine.

CALLAWAY: And we should say you're the great grand daughter-in- law of Emily Post. So what was it like marrying into that family? Do they all have good manners?

POST: Oh, they are very, very polite. But they also aren't stuffy about it. They just made me feel comfortable right away, and that's really what etiquette is all about.

CALLAWAY: That's right. And you obviously fit in very well. You have your own book out now. We were going to talk a little bit about teaching the kids to set the table, because, you know, everybody has to teach their kids how to do that. A little complicated sometimes to get kids to understand why you put things in certain places.

POST: Well, there's a reason we do this, and that's just to make it simple to eat, believe it or not. So if a table is set the same way every time, a child knows what to do, and so does an adult. So, the napkin and the fork on the left, the spoon and the knife on the right. And then you just start from the outside in.

So soup is first. The soup spoon is here. And then the child just takes the napkin and uses it. So it's really very simple.

CALLAWAY: But it's hard for kids to remember that.

POST: It is. It is.

CALLAWAY: They don't think that way, because they just eat whatever is in front of them.

POST: Right. Right.

CALLAWAY: You had a good suggestion about putting...

POST: Yes, for teaching children, right, for teaching children to set the table. You can actually help them by drawing it with them. And I have a little diagram here. And they love to help out, especially when they're 3 and 4. It's a great age to get your child involved.

CALLAWAY: You can laminate this too and use it as a play (UNINTELLIGIBLE). That's a great idea. What about writing notes? I go through this with my little girl. You know, they get gifts on their birthday. You've got to get the stationary and make it fun for them to write those notes.

POST: Sure, well, you hit the nail on the head. Try to make it fun for them, because then they will do it. And then tell them what you expect and expect it. People love to receive thank-you notes, and your child will feel really good about doing that.

CALLAWAY: Now, you have nice ones here, but I don't see the kind that has the sort of fill-in-the-blank ones. I know you moms know which ones I'm talking about, where it says, thank you for the -- and there is a whole for the gift. Are those rude to send out?

POST: Oh, not at all. And it's a great way to start out with children. They are some lined ones here. This is a little pack that crank puts out. It has little stickies that you can put on to make it more fun. And so just tell your child, help your child, even when they're 2 and they don't even know how to write, they can draw a picture.

CALLAWAY: But not an e-mail thank-you. You still got to get it, as they say, the snail mail way? You need to do that?

POST: People really like the warmth of a handwritten note. You may certainly e-mail and then follow up with a thank-you note, by good old-fashioned way.

CALLAWAY: All right, I'm going to ask you another question. (UNINTELLIGIBLE) e-mail, and we have been getting a lot of etiquette questions here. On the telephone, there's so many different gadgets now, from cell phone and call-waiting and those types of things. We almost need this book to help handle these new things. So what are some advice on...

POST: Well, we all need these ideas.

CALLAWAY: Call-waiting, for instance.

POST: Call-waiting.

CALLAWAY: Is it rude? Oh, it is rude.

POST: People don't like call-waiting. You can do it really quickly if you must use it. It comes in handy for emergencies, especially. So it's so crucial for parents to set a good example. And when they are out and out and about with their cell phones, don't have the ringer go off and drive everyone else crazy. Excuse yourself. Take your calls by way of a silent, the vibrating kind of thing, and then catch your messages by way of voice mail. We teach our children to do that, and they will be a lot better off. CALLAWAY: Do you have a hotline that I can perhaps call every now and then, just ask a question?

POST: We have a Web site.

CALLAWAY: Do you really?

(CROSSTALK)

CALLAWAY: Well, that's a great idea.

We're not going to let Peggy Post go just yet. When we come back, she is going to answer some of our questions. So you can give us a call. Be sure to use proper phone etiquette, though, no call- waiting. the number: 1-800-807-2620, and CNN SUNDAY MORNING will be right back with Peggy Post.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: Now for another lesson in proper etiquette for your children, here again, Peggy Post, the author of "The Gift of Good Manners." Thanks for being with us.

POST: Thank you.

CALLAWAY: We want to remind everyone that your question should be surrounding your children.

COOPER: Right, manners for children. And you can e-mail us at wam@cnn.com. Also, accepting phone calls. We have on the line Jessica from Tennessee. Jessica, what's your question?

CALLER: Yes, I'm curious, at what age should you start training your children?

POST: OK. I'm glad you asked that. Because really, start right away, when your child is born. And the book is set up developmentally. So starting at age 1 and under, you can start modelling for your child right then and there, and the child will pick up some routines. Everything you do. Talking kindly to...

COOPER: And the child really does pick it up from their parents.

POST: Right. And the book goes from age 0 up to age 18. And then it's all building blocks. It's not to have a big formal place setting for a 2-year-old, but to have fewer things at the table. So build, teach your child, for example, to use a spoon and then work up to a fork and then to a knife. So you start when they are really young and model all the time. And then teach what is age-appropriate.

CALLAWAY: That's so hard to teach all the time. Because a lot of people think, you know, your manners at home can be a little bit looser than they are out in public, right?

POST: Well, yes, and no. You can be informal, but you can still be mannerly. So there are so many chances throughout the day for busy parents to just bring out some ideas and say, oh, that was really great. Praise your child for being kind to a friend, or pull him aside if he's being nasty and say how do you think he feels.

COOPER: Do you think about manners, like, 24 hours a day? Like when you're out and you see people, like, do this, you sort of cringe at everything?

POST: Of course. But the great thing about manners, especially --and that's why we call this a gift. If your children have these skills, they don't have to think about them. They come more naturally. But it's so important...

(CROSSTALK)

CALLAWAY: We have lots of e-mails. We're going to move onto this one. This one is from Adrian. "What is the significance of and how do I get my kids to stop rolling their eyes when they are corrected?"

Oh, I'm going through that already.

POST: Well, they are trying to make a statement. So tell them after this happens, don't embarrass them in front of their friends, and say, that just makes people feel uncomfortable and I don't like it. And tell your child what you expect and then expect it. And then remind them afterwards.

COOPER: All right. This e-mail from Curt in Olney, Maryland. Curt writes: "My 13-year-old daughter and her friends tend to call adults other than their teachers by their first name. What's up with that? At the tender age of 35, am I that out of touch?"

Is that OK for kids?

POST: It really is up to the parents, but most adults expect children to use their titles. So if a parent says, this is what I want you to do, I want you to say, Mrs. Smith, whatever, and if the adult says "please call me Mary," then that exception is OK. Do what that individual adult says. But it's really still, most people expect and like that title thing. And then they may loosen up if the adult says no or if it's a good family friend.

CALLAWAY: Or you can just ask. My kids do.

All right, we have Tom on the line from Virginia. Good morning, Tom.

CALLER: Good morning.

CALLAWAY: Do you have a question?

CALLER: Yeah, I was wondering about -- I don't have any children myself. And occasionally, I run across children that do not have good manners. And I'm wondering, is it appropriate to kind of steer them in the right direction and even suggest maybe to their parents that they kind of work on the manner issue? POST: Well, I'm glad it's only occasionally that you come across children that aren't mannerly. It's a little touchy to tell a parent how to raise their child when it comes to manners, but you may certainly give some clues to the child.

Let's say a child is visiting your house. And you say at our table, it's a house rule, we take our baseball caps off at the table. You may do it that way. You may set some example. You may share some information. But it's really -- you can't really tell a parent, you're doing a terrible job with your child, or this child needs to be taught this. But you may set an example yourself as an adult, and a lot of times children pick that up.

COOPER: It's also a message that's not really received very well. I was in a McDonald's just the other day, and there was this mother who was like, you know, chewing with her mouth often, and literally, I heard her say to her kid, like, you should eat more nicely. I was like, well, how is she going to eat more nicely, you know?

POST: You've hit the nail on the head. It's called the golden rule of parenting, and that is behave in a way you want your children to behave. It's really that simple. It doesn't have to be that complicated, really.

CALLAWAY: We have another e-mail, this one from Lynn. It's a little lengthy, so I'm going to try to read it quickly. "I'm a teacher, and I don't really have a question, more of a comment. We spend so much time teaching simple table manners -- use a napkin, say please and thank you, don't belch in public" -- that's a good idea -- "walk around instead of between people who are speaking and say excuse me -- the list goes on and on. Parents who want teachers to teach math and reading should send children who have manners, and we'll have more time for the three R's."

That's a good point, though. Are the -- teachers are spending a lot of time having to teach good manners. It should start at home.

POST: It really should start at home. And the parents and teachers can do it together, really. And that's why it's great for parents to have conferences with teachers. Talk about these issues. But the teachers can support what the parents are doing at home, and that's (UNINTELLIGIBLE) children, don't push in line. Let's remember to share. Let's not interrupt. Those little reminders can come throughout the day, but the parents really need to do it too.

COOPER: All right. Well, Peggy Post, thanks very much for being with us.

POST: It's been a pleasure.

CALLAWAY: Thank you. Thanks for coming.

TO ORDER A VIDEO OF THIS TRANSCRIPT, PLEASE CALL 800-CNN-NEWS OR USE OUR SECURE ONLINE ORDER FORM LOCATED AT www.fdch.com