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CNN Saturday Morning News
Interview With Michael Popkin
Aired August 31, 2002 - 07:08 ET
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
MILES O'BRIEN, CNN ANCHOR: So just how common is it for parents to kidnap their own children as a result of a custody battle? And what impact does it have on the child?
Joining me now to talk about this is parenting specialist Dr. Michael Popkin. He is the author of, among other things, "Getting Through to Your Kids."
Good to have you with us, Dr. Popkin, again, as always.
DR. MICHAEL POPKIN, PARENTING SPECIALIST: Thanks, Miles, good to be back.
O'BRIEN: Let's -- first of all, big picture here. We've been talking all this summer about missing children, and in most cases not involving custody battles. This time...
POPKIN: Right.
O'BRIEN: ... custody battle, and that is the more typical scenario, isn't it?
POPKIN: Actually it's about 100 times more likely that a child would be abducted by a non-custodial parent than by a stranger.
O'BRIEN: And give us a sense of the numbers. How many of these children are going missing, and is it their parent, one way or another, involved?
POPKIN: It's hard to get accurate numbers, but the most recent numbers that I have are about 350,000 a year, so it's a huge problem in this country...
O'BRIEN: All right.
POPKIN: ... about parents getting bitter and taking the law into their hands, essentially.
O'BRIEN: Divorce, custody battles, perhaps the most bitter things that any adult can go through, and in a sense, we can all identify with the emotions that go along with this.
POPKIN: Sure, yes.
O'BRIEN: What are the words to the wise here, though, for people encountering a divorce, to try to keep those emotions down and to try to remember the child...
POPKIN: Right, that's...
O'BRIEN: ... is important?
POPKIN: ... that's the key, is to focus on the child and put your child first, which might mean sacrificing some of your own desires, some of your own wants, for the sake of the child, that -- Certainly abduction is going to be harmful for kids. We know that kids that are found after being abducted, they often -- you know, they're being -- hair dyed and taken from one place to another, they're -- often the hygiene is poor, their schooling is interrupted.
And then often parents tell the big lie, which is, Your other parent doesn't love you any more, so that I need to take you, which is just terribly devastating to kids.
O'BRIEN: And parents should never say that under any circumstances, right?
POPKIN: No, no. That's going to be harmful. That can really leave emotional scars.
But even, you know, in normal divorces where you don't have an abduction, parents still need to put the child first. And that means don't fight your battle with your ex through your child. You need to learn to cooperate and turn it into a businesslike relationship even if you don't really like the guy any more, or the woman.
O'BRIEN: Businesslike, that's an interesting way of putting it.
POPKIN: That's right.
O'BRIEN: Now, you've written about this in sort of -- you know, if you will, a template for people who are divorcing to keep the kids from being harmed too much. What are the other things to look out for?
POPKIN: Well, if you're the parent and you're in a divorce and your -- and your ex is giving you a tough time, you want to make sure you get some outside help. You may need to get some counseling, you may need to have some family counseling brought in to help you and the child figure out how to deal with this.
But you also need to keep the lines of communication open with your child. You know, can't just say, Don't go with them, but you need to know what they're hearing and what they're finding out, so you can make their judgments.
O'BRIEN: What -- when it comes down to custody issues, though, if the child is with one parent or the other primarily, inevitably the other parent feels left out.
POPKIN: Right.
O'BRIEN: How do you contend with that issue? POPKIN: Well, there's often a reason the other parent's left out. I mean, these parents that are abducting kids are not probably doing the best job in the world to begin with, which is why the court makes that judgment.
O'BRIEN: There's a bit of an understatement this morning, I'd say, yes.
POPKIN: (UNINTELLIGIBLE). So you need to, again, to alert the school, to let them know what the court order is and the situation. If you've got child care, you need to let them know. And you need to talk to your child so that they know they're not to go with that parent.
O'BRIEN: Put us in the child's mind, not necessarily this particular child, but, you know, if you can, give us some insights as to what a child is feeling in the midst of a battle like this.
POPKIN: Well, in any kind of major custody battle, the child's wondering, What's going to happen to me? Am I going to ever see my other parent again? Do they both love me? Is it my fault?
And we want to reassure kids that one...
O'BRIEN: They blame themselves.
POPKIN: Often, very often. But we always want to reassure kids that the divorce is the parents' failure, it's never the child's fault. And that to let them know and to get through to them in terms of what's going to happen to you? Either you are going to be able to see the other parent or you're not.
But they need to understand what the situation is, and that they are still loved, and that they're going to be cared for. It's (UNINTELLIGIBLE)...
O'BRIEN: Inevitably, they become pawns.
POPKIN: Not always. Not -- I won't say inevitably, but often in those kind of custody battles, they do. We've published a program that I didn't write called Cooperative Parenting and Divorce, which is an excellent program that many courts are ordering parents to take, so they (UNINTELLIGIBLE) divorce to learn how not to put your child in the middle, how to communicate effectively with someone that you don't like any more for the sake of the children.
And make -- parents can learn that. But there are a lot of tips, a lot of information that they need to take the time to go ahead and study a little bit.
O'BRIEN: It's sad how the priorities can become misplaced in these situations, isn't it?
POPKIN: Well, love is such a deep emotion, and that when someone you feel has hurt you, it's very easy to want to hurt them back. And one of the ways you can do that is by using the kids, to try to turn the kids against the ex. But it's never helpful.
For one thing, if you badmouth your ex, and the child believes you that he's no good or she's no good, kids have this blood theory that I've got his blood in my veins, so I must not be very good either at some level. So it never really works to the child's interest. You've got to really take the high road and keep it respectful.
O'BRIEN: Interesting. They're always much more perceptive than I think we give them credit for (UNINTELLIGIBLE).
POPKIN: Right, and resilient, fortunately, because...
O'BRIEN: Well, that's a...
POPKIN: ... most of the time they do recover from divorce and do fine.
O'BRIEN: Well, that's good, that's a good way to leave it right now. Dr. Michael Popkin, who is author of "Active Parenting" and most recently "Getting Through to Your Kids," always a pleasure to have you with us...
POPKIN: Thanks, Miles.
O'BRIEN: ... talking about child issues, and we appreciate your being with us this morning.
POPKIN: Sure.
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